Original subtitles

[waves lapping on shore]

[seagulls cawing]

[soldiers shouting in Turkish]

[screaming]

[soldier shouts in Turkish]

[screams]

[cannonball whistling]

- Okay. - Get back in there.

- My wife's in there! And my children! - [baby crying]

[groans] Help me.

[groaning]

[bell tolling]

[groaning]

[groaning continues]

[woman] Hurry up there. Come on.

- [people chattering] - [baby crying]

[officer] Sergeant, get those men back to barracks!

[child groaning]

[officer] Sergeant, get those men back to barracks!

[bell tolling]

[actor] And so as the sun rose over the island of Cheese,

casting long shadows through the sausage bushes,

illuminating the tops of the honey trees

and warming the fields of smoked salmon,

- I, Baron Munchausen, who am renowned... - [orchestra playing accompaniment]

first and foremost for telling the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth —

[chuckles]

For while it has been my privilege...

- [actress 1] Oh! Oh, tighter, tighter. - [actor continues speaking monologue]

[actress 2] Hold steady.

How can you become a great actress like me, poor darling,

if you get blown to pieces?

Come on! [exhales]

...my native land.

- [heckler 1] Oh, yeah! - [heckler 2] That's a good one, isn't it?

[audience chattering, jeering]

- There to attempt the education... - [audience gasping, laughing]

...of the provincial and narrow- minded

and stupidly incredulous fellow countrymen,

we heaved anchor and set sail.

[audience laughing]

[orchestra continues playing accompaniment]

[chuckles]

We heaved anchor and set sail!

[whispers] The waves. The waves!

Oh, bugger!

- [actor] We heaved anchor and set sail! - We are actors. [groans]

- Where the devil are the stagehands? - Dead!

- They can't all have been killed. - Not killed, ducky. Suicide.

Nothing to do with your acting.

And...

- We heaved anchor — - [laughing continues]

But ill luck pursued me.

I was blown towards the waiting jaws of a whale

of such prodigious size and length

- that I could not... - [baby crying]

...even with a telescope,

see the end of him.

[audience gasps]

[both] ♪ What will become of the Baron? ♪

♪ Surely this time there is no escape ♪

♪ What will become of the Baron? ♪

♪ Surely this time there is no escape ♪

[set creaking]

I have learned from experience

that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.

[laughs]

[steam hissing]

[screams, laughing]

[audience applauding lightly]

- Hell's bells and buckets of blood! - [sighs]

- Where were the waves? - [groans]

- The waves — Ah! You've stabbed my vitals! - Oh, God!

You incompetent imbecile!

It wasn't me. It was — It was her!

It wasn't me! It was him!

- You big pintle! - [baby crying]

We are supposed to be professionals!

And we're trying to stay alive!

Sally!

- All right. All right. Shh. - [baby continues fussing]

Now, stay in here or I shall lock you up.

- Where's my brother? - What?

You haven't got a brother.

Then you just tell me why it says, "Henry Salt and Son."

I'm your daughter.

Should never have taught you to read.

"And Son" is traditional.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

[grumbling]

What's this?

Bah!

[grumbling]

No. The Sultan's demands are still not sufficiently rational.

The only lasting peace is one based on reason and scientific principle.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Jackson.

The first act didn't go quite as we would have liked.

One or two little technical problems.

Oh, please don't apologize, Mr. Salt.

I'm sure you're doing your best in very trying circumstances.

- [whispers] Your attention. - Hmm? Ah, excuse me.

[assistant whispers] They're our soldiers.

[Jackson] Ah, the officer who risked his life

- by single handedly destroying... - Six.

...six enemy cannon

- and rescuing... - [assistant] Ten.

[Jackson] ...ten of our men held captive by the Turk.

Yes, sir.

The officer about whom we've heard so much.

[officer] I suppose so, sir.

Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.

I only did my best, sir.

Have him executed at once.

[guard] Yes, sir. Come along!

[Jackson] This sort of behavior is demoralizing

for the ordinary soldiers and citizens

who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives.

Things are difficult enough as it is

without these emotional people rocking the boat.

[whimsical music playing]

Ah! Constantinople!

- [assistant muttering] - The court of the Grand Turk.

What a surprise that a passing zephyr

should waft me here.

Perhaps fate wishes me to teach the Sultan a lesson or two. [laughing]

[audience laughing]

His Highness, the Sultan, loved a good wine

and could never resist a wager,

characteristics that were to cost him dear.

Lies! Lies! The scoundrels!

I won't put up with it! It's intolerable!

Stop this travesty! Stop it!

I think we should —

- It's an insult. An indignity. [audience murmuring]

I've never seen so much rubbish in all my life.

You don't know what you're talking about.

- After a sumptuous dinner... - [intruder] Outrageous!

Is this supposed to happen?

- ...the Sultan bade me to accompany him... - Yes, I think so.

...to his private apartments.

[Salt] Please — No, no, no. Please — Please leave the stage.

This blackguard's an impostor.

I am Baron Munchausen, and I won't be made a fool of.

Please, leave. You cannot come up here.

We are presenting a performance.

[Munchausen] You are presenting a mockery.

You present me as if I were a ridiculous fiction, a joke.

I won't have it. [muttering]

[gasps] - [screaming, shouting]

- [Salt] Get him out of here! - What the devil's going on?

Whoa!

- [shouting continues] - [chattering, jeering]

- Come and see! - [dog barking]

[gasping]

[Salt] Curtain!

Ring the curtain!

[audience booing, jeering]

Get off. Get him off, get him off! Get him off!

Get rid of the old fool! You're ruining the show!

Quick, Jeremy, Bill, do something. I must talk with my audience.

- [booing, jeering continues] - Ladies and gentlemen, I must —

I must apologize for this — this most dreadful occurrence.

I can assure you that...

[actors gasping]

[Salt] ...we will endeavor to continue with the performance

as advertised in your sheet.

- Hello. - Hello.

Beautiful ladies.

Hello.

Beautiful ladies.

You have really great taste, sir.

Otherwise, it's all quite wrong!

Listen, cocky, uh, w—we've got a show to do and —

Good Lord. Berthold.

Who's Berthold?

How on earth —

It's marvelous to see you. How are you?

Where have you been? How are your legs?

- Where are the others? - [whispers] Sally, come away.

[Munchausen] Albrecht.

Adolphus.

Gustavus.

I can't believe it. This is miraculous.

- I'm Bill. - He's Bill.

Is he still here? Will you get rid of him, for goodness' sake!

- What is the matter? - Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

We're just about to start the second act afresh.

- [whispers] "Afresh"? - [Jackson] Who is this?

I've no idea. Some old lunatic.

He's Baron Munchausen.

Oh, I see.

The real Baron Munchausen.

[all chuckle]

[chuckles]

Yes, indeed.

And who, sir, may I ask, are you?

A public servant.

I am responsible for, among other things, the licensing of this theater.

This, sir, is the Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson,

who just happens to be winning the war and saving the city.

Ha!

Now, please leave us.

- He's an ass. - [gasps]

Only I can end this war.

Explain yourself.

I can end it because I began it.

I am the cause.

I'm afraid, sir, you have rather a weak grasp of reality.

Your reality, sir,

is lies and balderdash,

and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

[actors gasping]

- [whimpers] - [actor gasps]

This man obviously needs a doctor.

- Doctor? Doctor? - [screaming]

[Munchausen muttering]

We will continue with the show. So thank you very much, Your Ordinariness.

Right. Off!

Please! Please be reasonable.

If we don't get on with it, he'll throw us to the Turks.

- I'll get on with it. - [Salt gasps]

I'll show them how it should be.

[actors gasping]

[audience murmuring, jeering, clapping]

My lords.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Baron Munchausen at your service.

[audience member] Pruned any noses recently?

[all laughing]

- [audience member] Give us a song! - Now, wait, wait.

- Most of you won't remember me... - Get him off there.

...or my adventures, but I assure you they are true.

[audience member] Let's have it then!

The truth is,

I am the cause of this siege.

- Don't be stupid! - What about the Turks, then?

[audience member] You're the cause of the border dispute, are you?

- It's the sea routes we're fighting for! - No, it isn't!

- That was last time! - Get him out!

- You poor, deluded fools. - [audience continues chattering]

If you would only do me the courtesy

- of accepting the word of a gentleman, - [audience quiets]

I will reveal the true cause of this war.

[mumbling]

[chattering, gasping]

- After my — - Oh!

Oh, dear.

After my return from Egypt,

I was most warmly welcomed by the Grand Turk.

[gong resounds]

His Highness, the Sultan,

who knew of my reputation

and held me in high esteem.

In fact, so delighted was he with my company

that he offered me access to his harem.

[chuckles]

- [Munchausen] One day... - Go on. Go on.

...the Sultan brought me a bottle of his favorite Tokay.

[laughing, chattering]

Thank you.

Mmm.

[smacks lips]

What do you think of that, eh?

Not bad.

[chuckling] "Not bad"?

My dear Munchausen, it's impossible to find better.

Humbug, Your Majesty.

What do you wager that I won't procure for you, within the hour,

a bottle of Tokay far superior to this

from the imperial cellar at Vienna,

a mere thousand-odd miles away?

[chuckles] Accept my challenge.

If I don't succeed, you may cut off my head.

These are my stakes. What are yours?

I accept.

And if you succeed, you may take from my treasury

as much treasure as the strongest man can carry.

Agreed.

Give me pen and ink and I will write to the empress immediately.

Berthold?

[Munchausen, echoing] Berthold!

Coming!

Oh, blast. Sorry, gents. I've gotta go.

[chains rattling]

[gasps]

[attendants squealing]

[grunting]

Take this to Vienna, to the empress.

She will give you a bottle of wine.

Bring it straight to me.

Right- o.

[huffing]

[panting]

[yelling]

[yelling]

Perhaps you would care for a little light entertainment while you wait.

[prisoners whimpering]

I have been composing a short opera.

- Would you like to hear a song or two? - No, thank you.

Oh, you'll love it. It's a comedy.

It's called The Torturer's Apprentice.

Here's the overture.

- [prisoners screaming, grunting] - [organ playing]

[prisoners yelping in musical pitches]

[screaming, yelping continue]

- [overture ends] - [yelping subsides]

- The curtain — - [prisoner whimpers]

[sighs]

The curtain rises on a typical, everyday torture chamber.

Yosrick, the young apprentice,

sings of his joy in his job.

- ♪ A torturer's apprentice ♪ - [screaming, grunting resumes]

♪ Went his merry way to work one day ♪

- ♪ I bend and stretch and ply my trade ♪ - [gasping]

[loud thud]

♪ Making people all afraid ♪

♪ But things look black Business is slack ♪

♪ There is no one on the rack but me ♪

[prisoner groans]

Act 4 is set in an abattoir. Heh- heh!

I see a lot of slapstick. [chuckles]

We begin with the arrival of the eunuchs' chorus who sing,

"Cut Off in My Prime, Mein Herz, Mein Herz."

[organ playing]

[falsetto] ♪ Cut off in my prime ♪

♪ Surrounded by beautiful women ♪

♪ All the time ♪

[all falsetto] ♪ A eunuch's life is hard ♪

♪ A eunuch is life is hard ♪

♪ A eunuch is life is hard ♪

♪ And nothing else ♪

Excuse me a moment.

Oh, you won't want to miss this aria.

It reminds me of my school days in England.

[whistles]

[horse whinnies]

[organ playing]

[Sultan] ♪ Life is rather like a game ♪

♪ It's important that you win ♪

- ♪ And though it seem a terrible shame ♪ - [screaming]

♪ If you lie and cheat and sin ♪

Hyah!

♪ Play up and win the game ♪

[Munchausen] Steady.

Where the hell's Berthold?

Don't know. I thought he was with you.

Well, if he's not here in three and a half minutes,

the Sultan is going to cut off my head.

And?

"And"?

Is that all?

I'm sorry. I don't find that funny. Do you find that funny?

This isn't a joke. It's a wager.

[all] A wager?

- [Berthold snoring] - He's asleep.

You can hear him snoring, about 900 miles away.

Come on.

- Hey! - [Adolphus grunts]

- He's under a tree. - [snoring]

- Near Belgrade. - [Munchausen] What?

- [Adolphus] There's a bottle beside him. - I hope he hasn't been at it.

[Munchausen] So do I.

What's the wind speed, Gus?

Three knots.

Mmm.

- [bullet ricochets] - [bird chirps]

[gasps]

[whimpers]

Oh! [gasps]

[panting]

[yells]

[Sultan] ♪ I'm a modern man ♪

♪ These days, I find ♪

♪ You have to be awfully cruel To be kind ♪

♪ I'm a modern man, you will agree ♪

♪ It's either you or me ♪

[Sultan titters]

Well...

Time's nearly up, I think.

[clears throat]

[growling]

Ready.

[grunts]

There.

[executioner grunts]

Now.

[grunts]

- [Berthold yelling] - Huh?

[bell rings]

- Not late, am I? - [Munchausen] No.

Not late, thank you very much.

Thanks. I needed a trim.

Much obliged.

From the empress.

Ah.

Mmm. [sniffs] Ooh.

[chuckles]

[sniffs]

[Sultan] Mmm!

Delicious.

You win.

Treasurer, allow my friend here to take from the treasury

as much as the strongest man can carry.

Yes.

[hinges creaking]

Yes. That's it.

[grunting]

[chuckles]

Thanks, squire.

[chuckles]

I must speak with the Sultan.

- What is it? - Excellency, they've taken everything.

What?

[children giggling]

[Sultan grumbling]

- Aah! - [crowd gasps]

[grumbling]

[grunts]

[all gasp]

Ha! Right.

Uh- oh.

Ah!

Gustavus.

[inhaling]

Stop them!

[soldiers shouting]

[laughing]

Bring them back!

[Munchausen] Gustavus, again.

[laughing]

[grunting]

[laughing]

Fire!

[groans]

Don't shoot!

[soldiers continue shouting]

- [Munchausen] Stand firm, my friends! - Take cover!

Whoa!

- [whimpering] - Regroup!

[grunts]

Don't leave me!

[both scream]

[laughs]

- [grunts] - Let me in, let me in!

[audience screaming, shouting]

And so, as you can see, the Sultan is still after my head.

Wait, stop. Don't go.

Come back. There's more. There's more!

I haven't finished. Don't leave now.

[whimpering]

[all clamoring]

Gustavus. Adolphus. Albrecht.

We're about to make off with the Sultan's treasure.

We can't just stop.

Berthold!

The name's Desmond, mate.

We're actors, not figments of your imagination.

Now, get a grip!

Oh, come back.

Come back.

Come back!

[explosions continue nearby]

What the devil is the Sultan playing at?

It's Wednesday, isn't it?

I'm terribly sorry, sir, about the show. One or two minor setbacks here, sir.

This theater's closed. I want you and your company out of this city by tomorrow.

Oh, no, sir, no! No, sir, sir, please! Give us a se —

Sir, look at these favorable endorsements from all over Europe, sir.

"Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror up to nature." Vienna Clarion.

"Great value for money." Paris Echo.

"A good night out." Glasgow Herald. Just give us one second...

[grunting]

[whimpering]

Here, boy. Good boy. It's all right.

[barks]

- [barking continues] - Here, boy. Here, boy.

[dog whimpering]

- [growling] - [dog growling]

[gasps]

[shrieking]

- [grunts] - [shrieking continues]

[dog growls, barks]

[whimpering]

[sighs]

Are you all right?

Am I dead?

No.

Blast.

- Who are you really? - [groans]

Baron Munchausen isn't real. He's only in stories.

Go away. I'm trying to die.

Why?

Because I'm tired of the world,

and the world is evidently tired of me.

But why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

Because it's all logic and reason now.

Science. Progress.

Tsk, tsk.

Laws of hydraulics. Laws of social dynamics.

Laws of this, that and the other.

No place for three legged cyclopes

in the South Seas.

No place for cucumber trees

and oceans of wine.

No place for me.

- What happened in the story? - What?

In the Sultan's palace. Did you escape?

- Were you killed? - I don't know.

It was all a long time ago.

Who cares?

I do.

I'm very tired.

Goodbye.

Please tell me.

- No. - Go on.

Buzz off.

Tell me!

Please.

You really want to know, don't you?

[rumbling]

[Sally] Stop it!

Stop it! We'll all be killed!

[groans, chuckles]

And then I'll never know the end of the story!

Wait. Wait, where are you going?

Come back. Come back!

[Sally] Stop it!

Wait. Wait. Come back.

Take cover!

Wretched child.

[dog barking]

- [explosions] - [cannonball whistling]

[soldier] Get that powder under cover!

[Sally] No!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Get away! Stop it!

- Get down! - Stop it!

- [groaning] - No!

You'll get us both killed.

I thought you wanted to die.

Yes, but I'm old enough.

Gentlemen, don't you think it would be a good idea

to silence those enemy cannon?

No, sir.

No?

It's Wednesday.

Oh, my. Wednesday...

[grumbling]

[grunting]

[Munchausen yells]

[yelling]

[grunts]

[soldier] Left! Left! Left!

Oh, no!

[Munchausen yelling]

Oh!

[Munchausen laughs]

- [shrieking] - [grunts]

- [laughing] - [shrieking continues]

[Munchausen yelling]

[groaning]

The Turks are about to storm the walls.

You really are Baron Munchausen.

- [cannon fires in distance] - [cannonball whistling]

[all yelling]

[horses whinnying]

This is the end.

It's all over.

Generations of theatrical expertise

snuffed out in the twinkling of an eye.

[Salt] Sally?

Sally!

Ah! Get off!

Sally, come here.

You cretinous, senile old fart!

[all screaming]

Thanks to you, we're to be thrown to the Turks.

[Munchausen mutters] Oh, yes.

But he is Baron Munchausen.

The real one.

- You must believe me. - [Salt] Hurry!

[Sally] No, honestly, he is, he is.

Ah, shut up!

But he is, and he can save us.

- Can't you? - Shambles.

[Sally] He jumped onto a cannonball.

He really did.

And he flew miles up into the sky, above the elephants and soldiers —

God, stop lying!

I'm not lying!

Am I?

As a matter of fact, you are.

But he did.

And those soldiers saw him too.

They'll tell you!

Oh. They're dead.

[groans]

But he did!

No, I didn't.

Now you're lying!

I never lie.

[whimpers, grunts]

- Oh! - [gasps]

[Salt] Sally! Stay here! What's got into you?

I didn't fly miles.

It was more like a mile and a half.

And I didn't precisely fly.

I merely held on to a mortar shell in the first instance

and then a cannonball on the way back.

You maniac. You've done for us.

Actually, it doesn't matter whether you're thrown out or stay here.

The Turks are about to take the town.

- [soldier] Quickly, bring those guns out! - [shouting] Come on!

- [whimpers] - Oh!

And I was just coming into my prime!

I'm just on the cusp between Romeo and King Lear.

My public will kill me for dying at a time like this.

- Save us! - Yes. [whimpering]

Save us!

Don't disappoint me.

Please, Baron, please. Oh.

You are a Baron, aren't you? Huh?

You're our only hope.

You are my only hope.

Ladies, ladies, please.

Please.

I swear that as long as I,

Hieronymus Karl Frederick Baron von Munchausen,

live and breathe,

you shall come to no harm.

[ladies exclaiming]

You so remind me of Catherine the Great,

empress of all the Russias,

whose hand in marriage I once had the honor to decline.

They all remind you?

Yes. Why not?

Some bits here, some bits there.

I have a plan.

- I will set forth immediately... - [ladies shriek]

[Munchausen grunts]

...to find my extraordinary servants

and with their help raise the siege and save the town.

Oh, brilliant. Oh, very good. Bravo.

[matron] How?

[Munchausen] Ladies, I shall require your assistance.

- Of course. - Anything.

Just tell us what to do.

Kindly be so good as to remove your knickers.

[all gasp]

[giggling, sighing]

[chattering]

Yes. Just like this. Yes, well done there.

Look at all that underwear.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's like a dream come true.

It's the dawning of the age of lovely, intimate things.

[Bill] But it's madness. He'll kill himself.

Yeah, but well worth it, eh?

That's enough nattering. Keep pumping. Keep pumping!

[chattering, shouting]

- Better report this. - You're right.

[cannonball whistling]

[Jackson] No, no, no, no.

We need a very simple plan. These are far too complicated.

- Simplicity is of the essence. - Sir.

Sir, those actors have made an air balloon.

They're trying to escape.

Arrest them at once.

[explosion outside]

Throw them out of the town.

We can't open the gates, sir.

Well, throw them over the walls, then.

Yes, sir.

[explosion outside]

We can't start escaping at a time like this.

What would future generations think of us?

[crowd clamoring]

Right! Follow me!

[grunting]

[Munchausen] Hold it, hold it. Don't let it go.

Whoa!

Hold it, Adolphus.

[Munchausen] Bring it down, bring it down.

That's it. Bring the ladder over here.

- That's it, that's it. - Take care.

My dear.

Baron!

Oi! Have you seen Sally?

No.

Ah, thank you, my dear.

[soldier] Stop! You are under arrest!

Let go! Let go!

- [Munchausen] Quickly now. Quickly! - [growling]

[Munchausen] Let go!

Shoot him down! Take aim!

- [barking] - Fire!

[gunfire]

[crowd cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I shall shortly return with reinforcements.

Don't lose heart.

And for all those ladies to whom I'm indebted

for half a ton of frilly silk and lacy linen,

don't catch cold.

- Au revoir. - [barks]

Stay, Argus, stay. I'll soon be back.

I will wait for you!

Come back soon!

He won't get far on hot air and fantasy.

[grunts]

- [Sally screaming] - [gasps]

Blast!

[yelling]

[Munchausen] Hang on, hang on.

[Munchausen] Kids!

[grunting]

Thanks.

Now you've ruined everything.

I'll have to douse the fire to let you down. Tsk, tsk.

I'll never get off again.

- I'm going with you. - I absolutely and utterly refuse.

If we go down now, we'll land on the Turks.

[soldiers shouting]

Huh?

[elephant trumpets]

[horse whinnies]

[screams]

[shouts, groans]

[laughing]

- Ah! - [screams]

We've got to find your servants and get back here quickly.

That is what I had in mind.

[grumbles]

Where are we going?

To the moon.

What? That'll take ages.

- No, it won't. - Of course it will.

Why are we going there?

That's where I last saw Berthold.

- Have you ever been to the moon? - No.

Ah, interesting place.

The King and Queen are charming.

You know about their detachable heads, don't you?

- No. - Ah.

Their heads go off for intellectual pursuits,

while their bodies engage in more, uh, bodily activities.

The trouble is, their heads and bodies don't always see eye to eye.

[chuckles]

You do believe me, don't you?

I'm doing my best.

Mmm.

[thunder rumbling]

[grunts]

Are you scared?

Certainly not.

- Are you? - Certainly not.

[screams]

[Sally screaming]

- [Munchausen grunting] - [Sally coughing]

[Sally] Oh!

[Munchausen] Grab the rope!

[both grunting]

[Sally screaming]

[yawns]

We're here.

You look different.

Younger.

I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure.

For heaven's sake, don't you get any younger

or I'll have to find a wet nurse.

Look.

You'll find that I'm one of the King's special favorites.

We shall receive a right royal welcome.

[fanfare playing]

[crowd cheering]

[bells clanging]

- [crowd continues cheering] - [fanfare continues playing]

[cheering stops]

[fanfare fades]

Now what?

I've got you at last.

Benvenuto alla luna, Baron.

Your Majesty. What a great pleasure it is to see you again.

May I introduce my friend Sally?

Sally, King of the Moon.

Well, his head, at any rate.

I'm sorry, you must refer to me by my complete title:

King of Everything.

Re di Tutto. But you may call me Ray.

You know, the moon is a very insignificant part of my domain now.

There is so much, much, much, much, much more. [chuckles]

[moaning]

My old friend, you — you seem to be in some discomfort.

What ails you?

Nothing ails me.

Can you not see that I am at one with the cosmos, hmm?

Ah.

"Ah"? I tell you that, and all you can say is "ah"?

What are you, blind?

Baron, let me explain it to you.

Since you were last here, I, that is, my head,

that which is left of me,

where the brilliant and important parts are located,

is now ruling and governing the known universe.

And that which I don't know, I create.

[makes kissing sound, clucks, tweets]

I just created spring.

But seriously, without me, there would be nothing. Not even you.

Cogito ergo es.

I think, therefore you is.

[moaning]

Your old friend's a lunatic.

- So it would seem. - [King singing]

He's certainly fallen prey to delusions of grandeur.

Being in tune with every molecule in the universe

requires a great deal of concentration.

That is why having you on the loose, Baron, does not help.

You see, your little stories are somewhat of a distraction to me.

You are like a mosquito in the Taj Mahal.

[moaning]

I must inform you, my liege,

without my adventures you wouldn't be here.

Well, so I am now part of your adventures?

[chuckles]

Well, we shall see about that, huh?

[moaning, laughing]

Hmm.

[gasps]

Now, Baron, who created who? I hope you'll be very comfortable.

- Ciao. - [Queen] Oh, Roger!

There goes my revolting body with the Queen.

Oh, stop. Oh, I'm tired.

Oh! Go away. Damn it, he can't hear me.

Please. Oh!

Oh, you stinking, horrible man. Leave me alone!

It's so embarrassing. Please don't look.

Maybe he will go away.

It is hard to believe my body and I were ever attached.

We are so totally incompatible.

He is still dangling from the food chain, and I am in the stars.

Oh, it is so unmetaphysi — No. No, go away.

[growling]

No. I despise you. Let me go.

No! No, no!

[screaming, grunting]

[moaning]

[laughing]

I'm back!

I got lips again, and I'm gonna use 'em, baby.

It's me. I'm your elephant of joy.

- [imitates elephant trumpeting] - Oh!

[both shouting]

- Give me bacio, baby. - Yes, but eat first, darling.

[laughs] That's right.

You gotta mangia before baci.

[laughs]

Mmm, mmm. I need this stuff.

[King belching]

[King] You can't do that when you don't got no mouth.

Baron.

- I'm back in business. - [farts]

[moaning] Ah, oh. Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey! You don't go nowhere.

[laughing]

- Baron. - Your most wondrous Majesty.

- Hey! I know you. - Oh!

You're the little guy tried to make off with my Queen last time you were here.

- Huh? - Eh, moi?

We'll have no more of that, piccolo Casanova. [laughing]

What are you looking at?

[chuckles]

[clanging]

Here you go, lovebirds. I'm sure you'll be very uncomfortable.

[laughs]

[groaning]

[gibbering]

[spits]

Oh, I am free again. Free to concentrate on higher things.

[King chuckles, razzes]

Heh- heh. Oh! Oh.

Oi! Oh. Ha.

[King] Why don't you go back and amuse yourself in the slime, huh?

Oh, you miss me. Oh!

I'm blind. Wait! My kingdom for a handkerchief.

Wait, don't. Oh! No, let me go!

I've got tides to regulate, comets to direct.

I don't have time for flatulence and orgasms.

I hate that face you make me make, that —

Please, please, no. I don't want any more bodily functions.

Oh! Oh, no, please, let me go!

- I don't have time for this. [screams] - [Queen] Farewell, Baron.

[groans]

One of the King's favorites?

This cage isn't real.

It's just part of the King's lunacy. [chuckles]

It seems solid enough to me.

I see we're in a not- very- helpful frame of mind.

How are we supposed to save the town from here?

The town is perfectly all right.

The present assault is over. Everyone is quite safe there.

How do you know?

I just know.

[soldiers yelling]

[grunts]

- Ow! Ow. - [screams]

- Huh? What the devil? - Ow!

[Munchausen] All right, I'm coming.

[chattering, faint]

Come out. Come out of there.

[Sally] Help.

- Come out. - [grumbling]

- Come out of there. - Ow!

- Stop that. What'd you do that for? - I beg your pardon.

- I thought you might be unfriendly. - Of course I'm unfriendly.

- You'd be unfriendly if I prodded you. - Who are you?

I can't remember. I've been here so long.

We'll be like that if we don't escape.

Why are you here?

Oh, I'm a very wicked criminal.

What have you done?

I can't remember.

Then how do you know you're very wicked?

Well, uh, f—for one thing, um, I'm in here.

And, uh, for another,

I've got these shackles on.

- Berthold! - Eh?

It's Berthold.

Berthold.

It's me, the Baron.

I knew I'd find you on the moon.

I'm gonna take you back to Earth so you can help us fight the Sultan.

Get off! Get off me!

You're Berthold. Berthold, my old servant.

Those leg irons are to slow you down, stop you tearing off all over the place.

- You must be joking. - You always wore them, remember?

- You're crackers. - I'm Baron Munchausen.

Hmm. That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

- We're wasting time. - [Queen moaning]

[moaning continues]

Darling Baron.

- Ariadne. - [lock and key clanking]

I'm sorry I could not speak to you before,

but Roger's so difficult.

Where exactly is Roger?

In bed with my body, of course.

[screams, moans]

Stop it. Stop it.

If he discovers my head's with you...

[Queen moaning] Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Climb into my hair.

[moaning]

Why is she making those funny noises?

[Queen] No, not there. Yes, yes, yes!

Her body is with the King, and...

he is, uh...

[Queen laughing]

tickling her feet.

[Queen] Yes, yes, yes! No! Oh, no!

- Berthold, come on. - Let go of me.

- You're coming with us. - No chance.

- Why not? - I can't remember.

- You're not frightened, are you? - That's it.

- Come on, help me. - [Queen] Stop it.

- [gasps] Hurry, hurry. - [Munchausen] Come on, quickly.

- Climb aboard. - [Queen] Ooh, la, la!

- Give me your hand. - Roger. Oh! [giggling]

- Hold tight. - [Berthold] I don't want to escape!

- [Sally yells] - [Berthold] Oh, no! Aah!

- [Sally continues yelling] - [Berthold] Oh, gosh. I can't hold on!

[both continue yelling]

[Queen continues moaning]

[King cackles] Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh. I love this! I'll tickle you till dawn, darling.

There we go. Ahf — Ahf — [sneezes, laughs]

Oh, there. I wipe everything away there. Tickly, tickly, tickly.

[clicking]

Oh, darling, you love this. I know you do.

But you don't say anything. Why you don't say anything?

[gasps] You are a pillow biter, that's it.

Hey, tickly, tickly, tickly.

[moans, trills]

[moaning continues]

Oh, Baron, I — I must get back to Roger before he notices I am headless.

I quite understand.

Darling,

take me with you.

- Back to Earth? - Yes.

Oh, yes!

Uh... without your body?

I thought you loved me for myself.

Oh, I did. [chuckles] I-I mean, I do.

- Of course I do. I-It's just, uh — - We have to go!

I think you're right, aren't you? It's impossible.

[sighs] Here, take a lock of my hair.

Just a lock, cocky, not the whole carpet.

I shall treasure it always.

[Queen gasps] The King!

Oh! Oh! I must go! Oh!

Au revoir, my dear Baron.

Oh. [whimpering]

Mmm!

Oh, yes!

I am coming, Roger.

I'm coming!

[King] Darling, I am going to drive you to China. Let it out —

Oh, my God! Where is your head?

No wonder you so quiet, eh?

I'm too rough. I knock it off, huh?

It's around here. I'll find it, we play head- and- seek.

Hold on. Darling —

Oh, you play a trick, eh? Darling, come out.

[laughing]

You're not here. Oh... Where are you? Where —

You are with the Baron.

You are with that little man.

You told me size don't make a difference!

Oh, you puttana!

No head to hit. That's it!

I'll find you, Baron, and then I'll kill you.

[King shouting, faint]

[Munchausen] Faster. Faster.

I'll make a Baron brochette. Sybil, andiamo!

- [King] Fly! - [squawking]

Come on, faster!

We can't. Berthold can hardly move.

[Munchausen] Take his weights off.

- [Sally] I have! - What?

- He's old. He can't run anymore. - Nonsense!

He's just out of practice.

- [King yelling] - [squawking]

- [grunts] - Come on, Berthold.

Come on.

[Sybil squawking]

You look for him. Nowhere to run to.

Nowhere to hide for you, Baron.

What are you looking at? Look down there. That's it.

Come on.

[King] There he is, Sybil! Down there!

I got you now, Baron!

[Berthold gasping, whimpering]

[squawking]

No, wait! No, Sybil, wait!

[speaking in Italian]

[yells]

[whimpering]

[grunts]

Whoa!

There they are. Oh!

Are you hungry, my darling? Are you? Ha- ha- ha.

All right, you take the Baron, you take the bald one,

and for you, my sweet, the little girl, because you're my favorite.

All right. Dinner is served.

[Sybil squawking]

Teamwork, Sybil!

- You go that way, I'll go this way. - You're the last of your species!

- Come on! - Work with me, girls! Stay together!

No, girls, don't split up on me now!

Mayday!

We're going down! Mayday!

Sybil, don't desert me now!

I love you, Sybil!

[King screaming]

[King] I'm free. I'm free at last. The body is dead.

The body is dead. Long live the head. It's finished! Finito! Heh- heh!

Bye, body. Mmm. Ha- ha!

I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive.

I am omnipotent. Ha- ha!

Yes. Oh! Oh, no, I got an itch.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh! Oh, no. No, no.

[stammers]

[sneezes]

- Well done, Sally, well done. - [Sally] Thanks.

[Munchausen chuckles]

Baron?

Baron M—Munchausen.

How great to see you.

- What are you doing here? - Get off me.

I-It's me, Berthold, your old servant.

- Berthold, remember? - Yes, yes, we've been through all that.

Oh. Uh... where are we?

On the moon.

Oh, yeah. [chuckles] Same old Baron, eh?

- [Sally] Can we go now? - Get weaving.

Hang on. Hang on.

It's all coming back.

I've been stuck here for over 20 years.

Ever since you were last here on the moon.

You abandoned me here. You swine.

You toddled off with that old Queen of tarts

and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you?

And now you come back here just because it suits you,

after wasting half my life,

and expect me to follow you to the ends of the Earth.

Yes.

Oh, all right.

Berthold,

do you know where the rest of the gang are?

Not a clue.

Oh! Ow.

Oh...

This is precisely the sort of thing that no one ever believes.

Right, Berthold.

[grunts]

You go first.

Then Sally.

[Sally] Careful.

[grunting]

Whoa!

[Munchausen] Off you go.

That's it.

Finito.

There's no more rope.

- Mind out, I'm coming back up. - [Munchausen] Wait a moment.

Here.

Tie this to the end of it.

Where'd you get this from?

- I cut it from the top. - From the top?

Naturally. Where else do you think I'd get it from?

- But — - Yes, yes, yes.

Splice it to the end so that we may continue our descent.

Oh.

Very clever. Great.

[Berthold] Why didn't I think Of that?

That's why he's a Baron and I'm a prole.

[Munchausen, Sally scream]

[Berthold screams]

[screaming continues]

[Sally] We'll never rescue them now!

[Sally whimpering]

[workers shouting]

Two and a half percent on the basic rate.

- That's not enough. - That's what I got to offer!

...a separate agreement for overtime!

Six percent!

Yeah!

Two and a half percent! Take it or leave it!

- Five percent, or no increased production. - [blows raspberry]

[shouting continues in distance]

[Sally yelling]

[workers chanting] We want more! We want more!

- We want more! We want more! - [groaning, coughing]

[shouting subsides]

[Sally] I'm still in one piece.

I think.

- I can't imagine why. - Oh.

Our descent in what I take to be the volcano of Mount Etna

should have been slowed by a rising cushion of warm air.

Damn thing seems to have gone out.

[Berthold] Oh, no. Not more giants.

Can I help you tiny mortals?

I-I-I sincerely hope so.

I'm, uh, Baron Munchausen.

You may have heard of me.

My friends and I are looking for three men.

One with exceptional eyesight,

one with superb hearing and powerful lungs,

and one who is extremely large and strong.

[laughing]

Oh, we're all extremely large and strong here.

[grunts]

[laughing maniacally]

I am Vulcan,

the God.

And, uh, these...

are my giant employees,

the cyclopes.

Who even now are going back to work!

- [cyclopes grumbling] - [work whistle blowing]

I'm willing to supply arms and equipment

to anyone that's prepared to pay the price.

Greeks, Trojans, Romans, Huns.

It's not my fault that they're crazy enough

to slaughter each other, is it?

[Cyclops groans]

[Vulcan] You manky crew!

Your go- slows don't impress me. I'm God!

I've got all the time in the universe!

Hear that? All the time, me!

You know, in the old days, the staff used to get paid, on the dot,

every thousand years.

This lot expect them every century. Hacks.

Outrageous!

What's this?

Oh, this is our prototype.

RX, uh, intercontinental,

radar sneaky,

multi-warheaded nuclear missile.

Ah.

- What does it do? - Do?

Kills the enemy.

- All the enemy? - Aye, all of them.

All their wives and all their children and all their sheep and all their cattle

and all their cats and dogs.

All of them. All of them gone for good.

That's horrible.

Ah.

Well, you see,

the advantage is,

you don't have to see one single one of them die.

You just sit comfortably,

thousands of miles away from the battlefield,

and simply press the button.

Well, where's the fun in that?

Oh.

We cater for all sorts here.

You'd be surprised.

Would you care for a little fodder, perhaps?

Mmm. Delicious.

Ah, aye, it's not a bad drop of tea,

as far as nectar of the gods go, you'll understand.

You can all stay for as long as you like. It's nice to have fresh company for tea.

Thank you. It'll be a pleasure.

I'm sorry, but we have to go soon.

We're in a hurry.

- [door closes] - [humming]

[Vulcan] Oh, here comes my midget manservant

with the petits fours.

- Albrecht. - Albrecht.

Baron. Berthold.

- What are you doing here? - Looking for you.

Haven't got the treasure — Treasure anymore.

I spent it — I mean, I gave it all t... to charity.

I don't want the treasure.

Albrecht, this is Sally.

- Sally, Albrecht. - Hello.

Hi.

I want you to come and help us fight the Turk again.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. No.

Not since I've found myself. No, no, I really —

No, I never really wanted to be big and strong

and lug heavy things about.

No, I now know I want to be dainty and sensitive.

They call me their midget down here.

I love it. It's bliss.

He's gone funny.

[wind whistling]

- [waves crashing] - [seagulls cawing]

Hello.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my — My dearest. Oh.

[smooching]

[laughs] Oh! [clears throat] Excuse me.

May I introduce you to Baron Munchausen

and his, uh, little friend over there, Sally,

and, uh... [chuckles] Berthold.

Ah. Ah.

Um, this is, uh, Venus.

- The goddess. - [lows]

My wife.

Madam,

I am overwhelmed.

Oh...

Oh, my — my love, my life.

Alpha and the omega of my existence.

I've got something here for you.

[clears throat]

[rumbling]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[hissing]

[chuckles]

A diamond.

For you, my precious.

You're so sweet.

Another diamond.

Madam,

I am, alas, unable to offer you

so splendid a gift,

but allow me to say that you excel in beauty

even the magnificent Catherine the Great of Russia...

Here we go.

...whose hand in marriage I once had the honor of declining.

- Baron, you flatter me. - Not one jot, madam.

Not one tittle.

What a handsome...

mustache.

Shall we... dance?

[growling]

Come and see the ballroom.

Come and see the ballroom.

[waltz playing]

[grumbling]

Nice, isn't it?

We've just had it done!

Did you know that?

Uh...

I can dance. Here, watch this.

[waltz continues playing]

[panting]

Sally, you can dance, can't you?

- No. - [Berthold sighs]

Thanks a lot.

[panting continues]

Hey!

Stop!

Baron!

Can we go now?

Hello!

Hey!

Stop it.

Come down.

We've got to get back.

We've got to get back and save the town!

Please, Baron.

Please?

Don't fret. The town is in no immediate danger.

[lows]

[grunting]

The Baron's kissing your wife.

- [sighs] - What?

[growling]

I mean... what?

- You're a harlot! - [gasps]

Whore! Do you hear?

Whore, whore, whore!

That's enough of that, you strumpet.

[gasps]

[Munchausen] No, wait, please.

[laughing maniacally]

- But, darling — - Don't you "darling" me!

- [Munchausen muttering] - [Venus gasping]

Do something. Save him.

Darling, don't be jealous!

Jealous?

- I'm not jealous. I'm — - [Munchausen] I... I... I'm sure I —

- Give him back to me! - [Albrecht] Oh, excuse me.

Please. Please.

You never let me have any friends!

I won't have you wiggling at philanderers, you floozy!

- [gasps] Floozy? - Sir? Sir, I must assure you —

Floozy? I am a goddess! I can do what I like!

And I am the god, so shut up!

[both grunting]

[whimpers]

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. - [Venus] Put him down, you brute!

[panting]

- Ungrateful mortal! - Please don't. No. Oof!

You'll pay for this! Do you hear me?

I — I must insist that the lady is blameless.

[Albrecht] Please. Please. Please.

[Berthold] Please, put the Baron down.

- Now, let's not be too hasty. - [Berthold] He's always like that!

- [Vulcan yells] - [Sally] No!

[Munchausen yells]

[Albrecht yelling]

What have you done to them?

[Venus] You small- minded, petit bourgeois —

Shut up, you trollop!

[whimpers]

What have you done to the Baron?

You want the Baron?

You can have the Baron.

Uh — No, thanks, it's okay. I don't need him!

[yelling]

- [Vulcan grunts] - [gasps]

[screams]

[roaring]

- Did you enjoy that? - [sighs]

[growls]

Did I... excite you?

[growls]

[cyclopes humming "Ar Hyd y Nos"]

[all screaming]

[all gurgling, groaning]

What? Huh?

Oh, damn. I can't swim.

[Sally] What's happening?

You've got old again.

Well, what do you expect?

I've just been expelled from a state of bliss.

And it's all your fault.

Where are we?

Answer me!

The most probable explanation, if you're not an incurable skeptic,

is that we've been dropped through the center of the world

and come out on the other side, somewhere in the South Seas.

That's miles away.

Oh, well done.

- I was happy in my volcano. - So was I.

Look! An island!

[seagulls cawing]

- Is there a volcano on it? - Oh, shut up about your poxy volcano!

I think there... is a volcano on it.

It's moving!

I spy with my little eye something beginning with M. [coughs]

[Albrecht] It's a demon of the deep!

That begins with D, you klutz.

It's M, for monster.

[gasps] Will it eat us?

With any luck.

[yells]

[gasps]

[yelling]

[all screaming]

[coughing]

[groans]

Baron!

Baron?

Baron!

Quick, give me a hand.

He looks dead to me.

[Sally] He can't be dead.

Come on, then.

Place him over here.

[Albrecht] He doesn't look very perky, does he?

Is there a doctor in the fish? [chuckles]

No doctors.

- No doctors. - [accordion playing in distance]

[Sally] We've got to get him warm and dry.

- [accordion continues playing] - What's that noise?

It's... music.

That's not music.

Look.

There's a light.

- Come on. - [grunting]

[Sally] This way. Careful.

[ship creaking]

- [accordion continues playing] - [person singing, faint]

[singing continues]

[grunting, gasping]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Once I had a sweetheart ♪

♪ A sweetheart once I had ♪

♪ She was the truest beauty... ♪

Excuse me. Hello?

[Sally] We need some help.

- [singing continues] - Excuse me.

- We need some help. - No doctors.

[Munchausen] No doctors!

♪ Oh, once I had a sweetheart... ♪

[hoarsely] Do I hear the Baron?

Eh?

Do I hear the Baron?

No doctors.

Do I hear the Baron?

I just said that.

Use your trumpet.

[grunts]

- [yells] - [crashing]

Adolphus. Gustavus.

Is it really you?

Baron. Berthold.

- Albrecht! - The Baron!

I don't believe it. It's a miracle.

Sally, this is Adolphus,

who used to be able to hit a bull's eye from halfway round the world.

And this is Gustavus,

who could blow over a whole forest with just one breath.

Those were the days, eh?

When we were young and alive.

[laughing]

How do you mean?

It's no good fighting it.

- We're not dead. - [Gustavus] You have to accept it.

We're all dead here.

This is hell.

Heaven. [chuckles]

- Hell! - Heaven!

Don't be stupid.

[laughing]

Well, sit down, relax. Have a game.

You're dead for a very long time.

Come on, come on, sit down.

Let's have a nice game, eh?

What are you doing?

You're giving up, aren't you?

Well, you can't give up. I won't let you.

Go away. Clear off.

What about Rose and Daisy

and my father and all the others?

You promised to help them.

They are perfectly safe.

They can look after themselves.

Besides, there are more important things.

Such as?

Well...

[screaming]

[moaning]

You horrible little brat!

Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?

- [howling] - [whinnying]

[crashing]

Huh?

What the...

[whinnying]

[gasps]

Ha!

Bucephalus.

My Bucephalus.

[chuckles]

He must have heard me shouting.

This is a — a good omen, what?

Oh — Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Prepare a rowing boat and be ready to leave.

Come on, boy.

I have learned from experience

that a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.

[loud grumbling]

[gasps]

[sniffs]

[grumbling]

[grunting]

Ahchoo!

[all yelling]

[all screaming]

I'll never eat fish again.

Wh — Where's the Baron?

Baron?

Baron!

[Sally] Baron!

Baron?

[sobbing]

Baron!

[Berthold] Baron, where are you?

Baron?

Huh?

Ha! Ha- ha!

- [Sally] It's the Baron! - [Gustavus] The Baron!

[laughing]

Well, come on.

[all laughing]

I can't keep this up forever.

[whinnies]

Look! The town!

- We're here! - [Bucephalus whinnying]

- [laughing] - Hey, look!

[Munchausen] Yes, and the flag's still flying.

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

- [screams] - [whinnies]

[soldier yells in Turkish]

Oh, my God, it's the Sultan's army.

Quick! Back in the fish!

They're inviting us to defeat them.

We must oblige them.

- On the count of three. - [all grunting]

[Sally screams]

Gustavus, blow them back to Asia Minor.

Adolphus, find the Sultan and shoot him.

Albrecht, row for the shore.

Berthold, make yourself useful.

One, two, three!

Couldn't make that four, could you?

We're going down! We're going down!

Abandon ship!

- [whinnies] - Abandon ship.

I think the ship's abandoning us, mate.

Hup! Hup!

[Munchausen yelling]

Come! Come!

[soldier yells in Turkish]

[gasps, whimpering]

I still can't swim.

- This is absolutely dreadful. - It's hopeless.

I've never before been in such a disastrous rout.

I'm usually on the winning side.

If you weren't so competitive, you wouldn't get so upset.

[Berthold] Albrecht's useless.

We might as well give up now.

You mustn't say that. Not you.

Now, if we begin attacking in two directions simultaneously,

we confound surprise with confusion.

Albrecht and Gustavus will provide the major themes as per to the battle,

- while Adolphus and Berthold — - Baron.

Don't interrupt.

What is it?

- This isn't going to work. - What do you mean?

They're all old and tired now.

- [neighs] - It isn't like it used to be.

Don't you see?

Where are you going?

- To give myself up. - What?

I gave my word that I would raise the siege and save the town,

and I gathered you all here for that purpose.

If you want to see Baron Munchausen again,

you'd better do something about it.

You can't give yourself up.

They might kill you.

And then we'll have spent all that time in that smelly fish for nothing.

Bah.

[speaking in Arabic]

[soldiers shouting]

So it's agreed.

Friday the 28th, you surrender.

- That's three weeks from tomorrow. - No, no, no.

We can fix the details later.

No, no, no, no. You surrender.

With respect, Sultan, we've been through all this.

You surrender.

But we're winning.

Uh, we surrendered last time.

- So? - So now it's your turn.

Ah.

What about the virgins?

Please, forget the virgins.

We're out of virgins.

Let us instead concentrate on reaching a rational,

sensible and civilized agreement,

which will guarantee a world fit for science, progress and —

But not Baron Munchausen.

Baron!

You. You old lunatic.

- I'm afraid so. - Help, guards!

Murder! Murder!

Who let this man into my tent?

Sultan, if you are still interested in my head,

it's yours.

I'm tired of it.

Send for the executioner!

So, Mr. Jackson, still the rational man?

How many people have perished in your logical little war?

There are certain rules, sir, to the proper conduct of living.

We cannot fly to the moon.

We cannot defy death.

We must face the facts.

Not the folly of fantasists like you, who do not live in the real world

and who consequently come to a very sticky end.

[chanting]

[bell tolling]

[grunts gently]

Have you any famous last words?

Not yet.

"Not yet"? Is that famous?

The man's a buffoon.

[drum roll]

Executioner...

execute.

[grunting]

[sighs]

There you go.

Oh...

[all whimpering]

[executioner grunting]

- [Servant] Now! - [gunshot]

- Ah!

[whimpers]

- Aye. - [laughs]

- He did it! - [all laugh]

[whinnies]

- Bring him back to me! - [laughing]

- General, stop that man! - [Munchausen] Hey!

[Munchausen laughs]

[whinnies]

[soldiers shouting]

[gasps]

- Ah!

- [cheering] - [Sultan yells]

I knew we could do it. All together, now.

[puffing]

[wind howling]

[trumpets]

- [coughs] - [Sally] Steady!

Steady.

[gasps]

Well blown, Gustavus!

[gasping deeply]

[grunting]

- They're coming. - Go on, go on.

Hurry, hurry!

Quickly, now!

[all yelling]

Aha!

[Munchausen laughs]

[soldiers whooping]

[whinnying]

Come on! Come on!

- [hammer clicks] - Oh.

Berthold, run.

[panting]

[shrieks]

[yelling]

[thud]

Ugh. Huh?

[gasps]

[panting]

Ow! Ah!

[yelling]

[screeching]

Ow!

Aah!

[grunts]

Damn it, man. Make yourself useful. I can't do everything.

[sighs]

Oh!

- This way! - Oh. Trouble!

Aah!

[Munchausen] That's the way! Bravo!

[Munchausen laughing]

Hey, hey, hey!

[laughs]

- Hey, hey. - [groans]

- Hey. - [groans]

- [gasps] - Ha ha! Hey!

- [groans] - [grunts]

Aah!

[whimpering]

[grunting]

[Gustavus] Watch it!

[roaring]

Gently this time.

- [inhales] - Gently.

[squeaking]

- [blows] - [both laugh]

[elephant trumpeting]

[soldier whimpers]

[both laugh]

- [screaming] - [elephant trumpets]

- [trumpets] - [groans]

[Sultan] Oh, help! Oh!

Oh, help!

[grunting]

[laughs]

[all yelling]

[whinnies]

Aha!

[laughing]

[all cheering]

Hooray! Ha ha!

We did it. We did it!

[all laughing]

Hooray! Hooray!

Look! They don't believe it!

We've won! We've won!

We beat them! We beat them!

[laughing continues]

Hey hey!

- [Sally] Yippee! They've gone! - [imitates gunshot]

Good riddance, and don't come back!

- We've won! - But of course!

- [playing victory march] - [crowd cheering]

[laughs]

Sally! Sally!

Oh, the joy!

Ah!

- Happy day! - [barks]

[rifle cocks]

[Bucephalus whinnies]

[all screaming]

[Bucephalus whinnies]

Put me down. Put me down.

Oh, my goodness.

He's up there! In the church tower!

- [rumbling] - What is it?

- There he is! - Shoot him!

Oh, damn.

Bring a doctor! Quickly!

- Fetch a doctor! - Sally.

Don't leave me, Baron. Please.

[sobbing] Don't leave me.

- Get off him! - Yes, yes.

Give him some air.

[baby crying]

Oh, here is the doctor.

Oh! Oh, Sally. Sally.

- It's all right. It's all right. - Take care of Sally.

[faintly] No doctors.

[growls]

No doctors.

[gasps, grunting]

No! No!

[shrieks]

- Get away! - Stop!

Leave him alone!

Sally!

- No! - Sally, please — Sally's having a fit!

Get away! Get away!

Leave him alone!

Stop it.

[Sally] Please!

He's dead.

[Bucephalus neighs]

[sobbing]

[Munchausen chuckles] And that was only one of the many occasions

on which I met my death,

an experience which I don't hesitate strongly to recommend.

And so, with the help of my inestimable servants,

I defeated the Turks and saved the day.

And from that time forth,

everyone, uh, who had a talent for it

lived happily ever after.

Ah!

[Jackson] Stop this nonsense at once!

You, sir, are under arrest

for spreading ridiculous tales at a time of great danger

when the enemy is at the gate.

- Arrest him. - [crowd protesting]

Open the gates.

Hey.

I order you to arrest that man at once.

Am I or am I not the elected representative?

- Arrest him! - Open the gates!

[crowd cheering]

This way!

Come on!

- [gasps] - [Jackson] Do not open the gate!

The Turk is outside, and we are not about to surrender.

Open the gates! [chuckles]

Open the gates!

Come on, dear ladies!

Forward the players!

Do not open the gate!

Full on, mates. Move along. Keep up. Steady as you go.

Come back! I'm warning you! Do not open those gates!

This way!

[Jackson] Anyone who opens those gates is guilty of treason!

- Follow me! - [child] Yeah!

[Munchausen] This way, my friends!

Stop!

The gates will remain closed!

Open the gates.

Open the gates!

Shoot anyone who disobeys my orders.

- [soldier] Ready! Take aim! - [crowd screaming]

[barking]

Hold your ground. Hold your ground.

Open the gates, dear friends, and then seize the day.

N—No!

Or close our minds up with inventions, death and fear.

There's nothing so destroys a man as ignorant dullness and conformity.

Grasp for the mantle. Grasp the —

No, no, no. Quite wrong.

Open the gates!

- Shoot them! - [crowd clamoring]

[Jackson] Have I not made myself clear?

Shoot these people at once!

Aye, so... it's treason, is it?

Treason!

Right! You're all under arrest!

All of you!

- Get inside — - [grunts]

[Jackson] Get inside my office now!

[all cheering]

Baron!

[Bucephalus whinnies]

[whistles]

Bucephalus. My Bucephalus.

Good boy, good boy.

[laughs]

[Bucephalus whinnies]

Come on. Come on.

Beautiful ladies.

Beautiful ladies.

[Sally clears throat]

It wasn't just a story, was it?

[all cheering]