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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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- ( music playing )
- ( chatter )
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Michelle Wolf!
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( cheering, applause )
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Oh, stop, stop!
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Thank you,
thank you!
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Guys!
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Boy!
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What a time
to be alive, huh?
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I probably don't need
to say this,
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but I should
just let everyone know,
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- I am a feminist.
- Woman: Whoo!
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I-- yeah, one person,
that's all.
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Uh, that's about average.
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Oh, feminism
is fairly unpopular,
so I should also point out
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I'm not, like,
a buy-my-own-drinks
kind of feminist.
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We all have our lines.
Mine is at the bar.
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00:01:32,099 --> 00:01:35,219
It's like, "I want equal pay
and a chardonnay!"
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Well, then,
just the chardonnay.
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I do think as feminists
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00:01:46,069 --> 00:01:48,159
we're fighting
for too many things right now.
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00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:50,159
Like, there's some feminists
that are like,
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00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:52,060
"We wanna be
in charge of stuff
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00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,030
and we wanna
get paid the same."
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00:01:54,049 --> 00:01:55,189
And then there's
other feminists
that are like,
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00:01:55,210 --> 00:02:00,069
"We wanna free the nipple
on Instagram."
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00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:03,120
It's like,
"Hey, can we focus?
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00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:07,129
I know she's more fun,
but can we focus?"
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00:02:07,150 --> 00:02:09,110
It's like if during
the Revolutionary War,
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00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,090
if some soldiers were like,
"We wanna be independent!"
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00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:13,180
and then other soldiers
were like,
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00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:18,210
"We wanna free the nipple
on Instagram!"
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00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:22,180
You'd be like,
"Yeah, maybe England
should stay in charge of you.
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00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:26,189
You sound like you'd be
fairly irresponsible."
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00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:31,110
Also just logically,
we focus our attention
and power on one thing.
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00:02:31,129 --> 00:02:33,219
We're much more likely
to get it accomplished.
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00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000
So, personally, I think
we should go after equal pay.
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00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:41,020
But if all the women voted,
and we got on the same page,
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00:02:41,039 --> 00:02:43,060
and we wanted to go
after nipple, fine,
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00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:46,199
I'll fight nipple,
I'm a team player.
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00:02:46,219 --> 00:02:52,060
It's just hard
for me to even believe that
that was a woman's idea.
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Sounds like a man infiltrated
a meeting and he was like,
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00:02:56,170 --> 00:03:01,039
"We gotta get these nipples
on Instagram!
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00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:03,169
Did you hear we can't?
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00:03:03,189 --> 00:03:06,000
It's not fair...
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00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,090
for the women.
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00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:12,030
You know me, my main concern
is the women."
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00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:14,159
( exhales )
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00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:18,150
"It's why I call 'em
'the women.'"
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00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:21,069
And the whole debate is
men are allowed to have
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00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:24,129
their nipples on Instagram;
women aren't.
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00:03:24,150 --> 00:03:26,189
Well, here's
an easier solution.
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00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:30,150
Just get male nipples
off of Instagram.
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I've never seen a man's nipple
and been like,
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00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:35,189
"Oh, now my day's better.
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00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:39,150
Boy, do I love looking
at those useless skin tags."
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00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,009
We gotta focus!
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00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:45,060
We gotta focus
on what we're fighting for.
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00:03:45,079 --> 00:03:47,150
Stop going after
shiny objects.
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Like, we kept campaigning
to get women on money.
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We're gonna get one.
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I don't care
who's on my money.
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I mostly use a credit card,
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and there's a picture
of a cat on that.
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00:03:58,079 --> 00:04:02,030
And I picked it,
'cause I'm the person
you think I am.
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00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:06,009
There were a ton of options.
I was like, "Cat."
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00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:07,120
And then I saw
a second cat option.
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00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:10,090
I was like, "I gotta open
another account."
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00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:13,000
I can't choose
between two cats!
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00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,159
I'm not a monster.
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00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:18,009
No, I don't wanna donate
to your children's charity.
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00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:24,009
Like, why you wanna put
a woman on a dollar, anyway?
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00:04:24,029 --> 00:04:26,019
It's not like a man's
gonna look down at it
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and be like, "Oh, right,
I gotta start respecting these.
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00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:35,129
I'm sorry, stripper,
I can't give this to you.
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I mean, Mrs. Stripper."
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00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:42,180
So much is happening
right now.
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00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,110
I think a lot of us
are still trying to figure out
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00:04:45,129 --> 00:04:47,110
how Hillary lost.
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00:04:47,129 --> 00:04:50,230
I do have a theory
on why Hillary lost.
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00:04:51,009 --> 00:04:54,120
I think it's 'cause
no one likes her.
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00:04:54,139 --> 00:04:58,029
Like, I voted for her,
but I don't like her.
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00:04:58,050 --> 00:05:00,089
Like, if she came up
to talk to me at a party,
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00:05:00,110 --> 00:05:03,170
I'd be like, "I'm sorry.
I have to go to the bathroom."
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00:05:03,189 --> 00:05:06,009
And then if she tried
to talk to me in the bathroom,
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00:05:06,029 --> 00:05:09,079
I'd be like, "I'm sorry.
I have to use the men's room.
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00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,069
I just made a life choice."
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00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:15,000
But you shouldn't
like Hillary.
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00:05:15,019 --> 00:05:16,180
She's a bitch.
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00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:19,170
You have to be a bitch
to be that powerful.
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00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:23,230
We're never gonna have
a nice lady run for president.
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00:05:24,009 --> 00:05:26,199
Nice ladies aren't
in charge of things.
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00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,139
And if you're in charge
of something
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00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:32,040
and you think
you're a nice lady,
no one else does.
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00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,139
( laughter and applause )
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00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,120
There are
whole email chains
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00:05:41,139 --> 00:05:45,009
about how much
you're not a nice lady.
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00:05:45,029 --> 00:05:48,209
And Hillary isn't nice,
she's not fun,
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00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:51,090
she doesn't go to brunch.
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00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:53,220
She eats, like,
a hard-boiled egg in the morning
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00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,220
and then nothing
the rest of the day.
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00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,040
She doesn't even peel it.
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00:05:58,060 --> 00:06:01,149
She just squashes it
in her fist.
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00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:03,040
She gets hungry
in the afternoon
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00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:06,180
and then slaps a man
and goes, "Full now."
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00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,120
( applause )
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00:06:10,050 --> 00:06:13,060
And I get it,
I get not liking Hillary,
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00:06:13,079 --> 00:06:16,139
but the one thing that I think
is completely unforgivable
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00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,139
is some people would be like,
"Well, you know what it is?
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00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,089
I just can't
listen to her.
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00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:24,120
She has such
a shrill voice,"
and it's like,
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( shrilly )
well, sometimes...
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00:06:26,139 --> 00:06:27,220
( laughter )
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00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,189
...that's just what happens
to your voice.
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00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:34,209
Sometimes you're a person
with a shrill voice,
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00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:38,139
and there's nothing
you can do about it,
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00:06:38,159 --> 00:06:41,159
( increasingly shrill )
'cause you don't get to
choose your voice!
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00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:49,090
I was never like,
"Oh, you know what,
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00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:54,009
I'll take the voice that causes
dogs to gather outside.
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00:06:54,029 --> 00:06:56,079
No, no, I want it
to be so shrill
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00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,189
that if I suck the helium
out of a balloon,
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00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:01,230
it wouldn't change
my voice at all."
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00:07:02,009 --> 00:07:06,040
That might be a 100% real thing
that happened to me.
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00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:12,180
I wasn't like,
"No, leave the sexy voices
for someone else.
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00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:17,100
This hair will take care
of the rest of it."
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00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:22,069
That's a real one-two punch.
"Hi, how are you?"
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00:07:22,089 --> 00:07:25,019
( deeper )
"Well, this seems
like it'll be normal."
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00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:28,110
And I get it, I get it!
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00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:30,110
You don't want
four years of this voice,
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00:07:30,129 --> 00:07:33,230
just like I know you don't wanna
wake up next to this voice.
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00:07:34,009 --> 00:07:37,139
You don't want me going,
"Hey, good morning!
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00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:40,199
Oh, you lost your boner?"
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00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:43,159
This is a real
wind-out-of-the-sails
kind of voice!
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00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,170
This isn't
a phone sex voice.
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00:07:46,189 --> 00:07:48,129
No one's calling in
to hear,
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00:07:48,149 --> 00:07:51,060
"Where do you want
to put your penis?"
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00:07:53,029 --> 00:07:55,079
It's not a fun voice,
I get it,
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00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,069
but it is the voice of someone
that gets shit done.
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00:07:58,090 --> 00:08:00,189
It's like,
"Hey, I'm gonna keep talking
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00:08:00,209 --> 00:08:03,069
unless you agree to this!"
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00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,000
We gotta focus,
'cause a lot of times
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00:08:09,019 --> 00:08:11,079
I think people think
we're moving forward,
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00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,040
like women are moving forward,
we're making progress,
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00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,199
and I'm like,
"Is that progress?"
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00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:19,120
Like, "Sports Illustrated"
will put a plus-size model
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00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:22,139
on their swimsuit issue,
and a lot of women will be like,
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00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,029
"Bravo,
'Sports Illustrated.'
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00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:28,040
You're so innovative."
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00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:29,129
That's not innovative!
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00:08:29,149 --> 00:08:30,230
They just finally realized
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00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:34,029
that men will also masturbate
to fat women.
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You wanna be innovative?
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00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,059
Put a completely clothed woman
in there
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00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,190
and just talk
about her personality.
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00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:45,100
Like, "This is Rhonda.
She loves quilting.
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00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,019
Let's get into the detail."
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00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:52,129
Even women would be like,
"I don't wanna read that."
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00:08:52,149 --> 00:08:56,070
Also you don't have to yell it.
It's a magazine.
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00:08:56,090 --> 00:08:58,039
( chuckles )
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00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,179
And there's this whole wave
of women right now,
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00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,179
that we're showing
that we're confident
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00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,049
by posting naked
or almost naked pictures online.
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00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:09,200
Being like, "I don't care
what you think about my body.
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00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:13,139
I'm confident.
Please like and subscribe."
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00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:19,000
And it feels anti-feminist
to be like, "Don't post that,"
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00:09:19,019 --> 00:09:22,169
but at the same time,
I don't know what
our goal is here.
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00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:24,149
I don't know
what we're working toward.
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00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:28,090
Like, I think there's other ways
to show that you're confident.
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00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,049
Like, I don't think
Ruth Bader Ginsburg's
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00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,039
ever been like,
"I gotta get out of this robe
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00:09:32,059 --> 00:09:35,190
and show people
what I'm really about.
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00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:39,149
Plus I know you're all dying
to see this little bird body."
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00:09:39,169 --> 00:09:41,149
( laughter )
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00:09:44,009 --> 00:09:46,019
We want every woman
to be confident
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00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:47,179
and every woman
to be beautiful.
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00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,159
We have to be beautiful.
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00:09:49,179 --> 00:09:52,100
Like, Bruce Jenner
turned into Caitlyn,
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00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,019
and immediately
we were like,
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00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:57,000
"She is so brave
and beautiful."
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00:09:57,019 --> 00:09:59,049
Okay, fine,
I'll give you brave.
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00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:01,039
( laughter )
183
00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:05,230
She wants to be who she is
and she should be,
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00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:11,059
but she should know who she is
is an okay-looking older lady,
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00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,110
the kind of person
that if you were in a room,
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00:10:13,129 --> 00:10:16,190
you'd be like,
"Oh, she could help me move."
187
00:10:16,210 --> 00:10:19,029
( laughter )
188
00:10:19,049 --> 00:10:20,210
But that's a great trait!
189
00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:23,059
That's why
we should respect people,
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00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,090
not for how pretty they are,
for how useful they are.
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00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,169
What would you rather have,
a pretty friend
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00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:32,019
or a friend
that can help you move?
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00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,029
Always a friend
that can help you move,
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00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:36,190
because then maybe
you're the pretty friend.
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00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:45,019
We gotta stop,
we gotta stop telling
everyone they're beautiful.
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00:10:45,039 --> 00:10:47,009
We need ugly people.
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00:10:47,029 --> 00:10:49,120
Ugly people get shit done.
198
00:10:49,139 --> 00:10:52,059
There's no one in a lab
trying to cure cancer
199
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,120
'cause he was
just drowning in pussy.
200
00:10:55,139 --> 00:10:58,080
He's working very hard
to cure cancer
201
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,220
so that later
he can drown in pussy.
202
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,149
That's the American dream.
203
00:11:03,169 --> 00:11:06,070
If you want your children
to be successful,
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00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:09,179
tell them they're ugly,
tell them every day.
205
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,120
And I know, parents,
that's very hard
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00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,179
because you made
a perfect angel,
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00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,019
but you look her
in the face and you say,
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00:11:17,039 --> 00:11:21,230
"You have a face that means
you're gonna need to work hard."
209
00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:24,129
That kid will change
the world
210
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:26,190
or murder you.
211
00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:29,169
But that's a risk
you should take for us.
212
00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:33,029
And I'm glad, I'm so glad
we live in a world
213
00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:35,110
where people
like Caitlyn Jenner can exist.
214
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,059
I just wish we were saying
215
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,090
what we really wanted
to say about it,
216
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:42,139
which is I'm glad you get to be
who you wanna be.
217
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:45,210
We should all be
who we wanna be.
218
00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:49,210
I still fucking hate
your personality.
219
00:11:54,149 --> 00:11:56,110
Whether you're a man
or a woman, Caitlyn,
220
00:11:56,129 --> 00:11:58,110
you still killed
a lady with your car.
221
00:11:58,129 --> 00:12:02,110
Yeah. That lady's still dead.
She can't come back as a man.
222
00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:04,179
( laughter )
223
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,029
And everyone's like,
224
00:12:06,049 --> 00:12:08,230
"She's so brave,
she's such a hero."
225
00:12:09,009 --> 00:12:11,000
Well, if Bill Cosby
turned into a lady,
226
00:12:11,019 --> 00:12:13,070
would we just forget
about all the rapes,
227
00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:16,029
like, more than
we already have?
228
00:12:16,049 --> 00:12:17,179
He's getting away with it.
229
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,029
The detective work on that
has been lazier than his eye.
230
00:12:22,049 --> 00:12:24,220
Oh, come on,
I think the least
we can do at this point
231
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,169
is make fun
of Bill Cosby's eye.
232
00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:30,120
( applause )
233
00:12:32,059 --> 00:12:34,120
For years, for years
234
00:12:34,139 --> 00:12:36,149
people were like,
"Don't, he's a legend."
235
00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:38,190
His eye is, like,
the only part of his body
236
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:42,110
that was like,
"I can't do this anymore.
237
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:45,039
I gotta look away."
238
00:12:45,059 --> 00:12:47,039
And he was like,
"One Quaalude for you,
239
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:50,080
and one Quaalude for you.
240
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,210
Shh, go to sleep."
241
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,169
So much is happening!
242
00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:00,159
We're trying to figure out
where trans people
243
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:03,049
can go to the bathroom...
244
00:13:03,070 --> 00:13:05,120
Who saw that one coming?
245
00:13:05,139 --> 00:13:08,039
Probably trans people.
246
00:13:08,059 --> 00:13:09,190
And here's the thing.
247
00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:13,070
Most politicians are men,
so men are making the laws,
248
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:17,100
and they think
that if trans women
use women's bathrooms
249
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,100
that women will feel unsafe,
250
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,019
and I think that comes
from a fundamental
misunderstanding
251
00:13:23,039 --> 00:13:25,129
about what happens
in a women's bathroom.
252
00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:26,220
( laughter )
253
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:32,129
And to be fair,
we have made it very mysterious.
254
00:13:32,149 --> 00:13:34,179
We always go in groups,
255
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:38,090
there's a huge line outside,
256
00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:42,120
people go in,
but they never come out...
257
00:13:42,139 --> 00:13:46,029
It's a whole Willy Wonka
situation.
258
00:13:46,049 --> 00:13:48,080
When we finally
do get back to the table,
259
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,019
we're all giggly,
and you're like,
"What happened?"
260
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,159
And we're like,
"We can't say.
261
00:13:54,179 --> 00:13:57,100
But I have new hair now.
262
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,169
Also this is
my new best friend Ashley.
263
00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:03,019
She's gonna live with us."
264
00:14:03,039 --> 00:14:06,019
Every woman has some sort
of Ashley from the bathroom
265
00:14:06,039 --> 00:14:07,139
in their phone.
266
00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:12,059
Men do, too,
but for a very different reason.
267
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,110
So we've had-- we've made
bathrooms very mysterious,
268
00:14:15,129 --> 00:14:18,080
but in reality,
in a women's bathroom,
269
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:21,049
at any point,
if you see genitals,
270
00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:24,110
something has gone
terribly wrong.
271
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:27,129
We're a very private people.
272
00:14:27,149 --> 00:14:29,149
No one's walking
in the bathroom
273
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:33,190
being like,
"Labias out, ladies!
274
00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:36,120
Let's get to comparing.
275
00:14:36,139 --> 00:14:40,080
You're another redhead.
I wanna see that."
276
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,200
No, we're private!
277
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:44,029
We go in the bathroom,
we go in the stall,
278
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,220
we lock the door,
we pee, poop, or cry,
279
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,049
and then we leave.
280
00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:51,019
The only thing we're
ever really worried about
281
00:14:51,039 --> 00:14:54,190
is "Do they know
I'm the one that pooped?"
282
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:59,190
I tried to cough a lot
and only go when the hand dryer
was on...
283
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:03,090
which is a crazy thing
for women to worry about
284
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,100
in a women's bathroom.
285
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,100
Who are you trying
to impress in there?
286
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,210
If anything,
you should poop very loudly,
287
00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:14,039
'cause then if there's
an attacker in there,
288
00:15:14,059 --> 00:15:16,149
he'll be like,
"Well, not that one!"
289
00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:18,129
( laughter )
290
00:15:24,019 --> 00:15:27,049
"I'm evil,
I'm not crazy."
291
00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:29,090
That's good self-defense
in general.
292
00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:31,009
You have to walk home
late at night,
293
00:15:31,029 --> 00:15:33,230
fart the whole way.
294
00:15:34,009 --> 00:15:37,000
Be your own rape whistle.
295
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:40,210
Like, "Not ( imitates fart )
to- ( imitates fart ) -day."
296
00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:46,120
That's a great strategy
if you just accidentally fart
in public.
297
00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:48,100
Like, you thought
it was gonna be silent,
298
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,220
and then your body
betrayed you,
299
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000
next time just be like,
"Yeah, that was just a warning.
300
00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:57,230
I'm a very dangerous person.
301
00:15:58,009 --> 00:16:00,049
There's more
where that came from.
302
00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:03,159
Now if you turn your attention
back to this PowerPoint..."
303
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,139
( laughter )
304
00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:07,169
"...you'll see
that third-quarter profits
305
00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:09,179
are on their way up."
306
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,169
Men, you wanna make bathrooms
better for women?
307
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:18,129
Get those four-year-old
little boys out of there!
308
00:16:18,149 --> 00:16:22,190
Always poking their creepy
little heads under the stalls
309
00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:25,080
being like,
"Are you my mom?"
310
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:28,059
"I told you,
not anymore, Kevin!"
311
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:33,000
And I don't know
why men are so concerned
312
00:16:33,019 --> 00:16:34,200
about our bathrooms.
313
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,090
I'm worried
about your bathrooms.
314
00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:39,200
You don't lock yourselves
in a stall.
315
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:44,080
You just stand up against a wall
and watch each other pee.
316
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:48,139
You have your pants undone
while you're looking at a wall.
317
00:16:48,159 --> 00:16:51,019
You are just ripe
for the raping.
318
00:16:51,039 --> 00:16:53,070
( laughter and applause )
319
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,210
And you designed
both bathrooms.
320
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:04,039
You gave yourselves
a shittier bathroom.
321
00:17:04,059 --> 00:17:08,099
Give yourselves enough stalls,
sit while you pee,
322
00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,089
rest those legs.
323
00:17:10,109 --> 00:17:13,180
You gotta be tired
from stomping on us all day.
324
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,109
( cheers and applause )
325
00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:20,220
Seriously, I feel bad
326
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,119
that men don't get to sit
while they pee.
327
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:27,180
You have to walk in the bathroom
knowing what your intention is.
328
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,109
You have to walk
in the bathroom
329
00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:32,200
being like,
"I'm going to poop now."
330
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:36,039
Women, we get to be like,
"Hey, I'm pooping now!"
331
00:17:36,059 --> 00:17:37,119
( laughter )
332
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,089
"This is a fun surprise
afternoon poop."
333
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:44,160
"This has turned
my day around.
334
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:48,059
I'm so glad I had that yogurt
this morning.
335
00:17:48,079 --> 00:17:51,210
Thank you,
Jamie Lee Curtis."
336
00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:54,009
( applause )
337
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:57,109
Stop it! Stop using
"We're protecting women"
338
00:17:57,130 --> 00:17:59,180
as your excuse
for getting things done.
339
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,180
It's bullshit
and it's insulting.
340
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,109
I've never, ever been scared
of trans people.
341
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,160
The only people that have
ever consistently scared me
342
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:11,009
are straight men.
343
00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:13,170
You guys have
a terrible track record.
344
00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:16,009
( cheers and applause )
345
00:18:18,099 --> 00:18:20,140
I like to think
all those women clapping
346
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,049
are with a guy right now,
347
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,109
and they're like, "I do?"
348
00:18:28,109 --> 00:18:32,230
No, you keep using like,
"We gotta protect women
from trans people."
349
00:18:33,009 --> 00:18:34,210
When gay people
wanted to get married,
350
00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:37,000
you were like, "Well,
we can't let that happen,
351
00:18:37,019 --> 00:18:40,119
because then they're gonna
start fucking dogs."
352
00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:41,200
Yeah, you only ever
said that
353
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:45,140
because you thought
about fucking a dog.
354
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,170
You were like,
"People want to fuck dogs,"
355
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:51,009
and gay people were like,
"I mean, not us."
356
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:54,230
And you were like,
"Some people do!
357
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,160
Some people love
a cute little puppy butt."
358
00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,140
( laughter )
359
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,220
( barks )
360
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,230
Stop it! Stop using
"We're protecting women"
as your excuse.
361
00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:08,039
I was on a date.
362
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:10,000
A guy offered
to walk me to my door.
363
00:19:10,019 --> 00:19:12,200
He was like,
"I just want to make sure
you get home safe."
364
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,109
That's bullshit!
365
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:17,009
That's not why you're
walking me to my door.
366
00:19:17,029 --> 00:19:20,230
That's your last-ditch effort
to touch a boob.
367
00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:22,079
At that point
in the night,
368
00:19:22,099 --> 00:19:26,220
the most dangerous thing
at my door is you!
369
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,160
And if a robber came by,
370
00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:30,150
I don't think you'd be able
to do anything about it,
371
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,029
'cause earlier
that night at dinner,
372
00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:34,130
I learned you have
a gluten allergy!
373
00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:36,019
( laughter )
374
00:19:36,039 --> 00:19:38,230
You can't protect me
from a biscuit.
375
00:19:40,130 --> 00:19:43,039
Also, that's why
you're not coming up.
376
00:19:43,059 --> 00:19:45,069
There's nothing less sexy
than hearing a guy
377
00:19:45,089 --> 00:19:48,180
be like,
"Well, I can't eat bread."
378
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:52,140
'Cause I'm gonna need you
to be okay with yeast.
379
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,140
( laughter and applause )
380
00:19:58,029 --> 00:20:01,009
But did you get it?
381
00:20:01,029 --> 00:20:04,119
I just wanna make sure
you got it.
382
00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:06,049
I'd hate for there to be
someone in the back
383
00:20:06,069 --> 00:20:10,019
being like, "I didn't get
the yeast part."
384
00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:13,059
Go home, call your mom.
She'll tell you all about it.
385
00:20:15,009 --> 00:20:18,039
And there are so many big things
happening right now.
386
00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:21,009
Like, the environment
is in terrible shape,
387
00:20:21,029 --> 00:20:24,029
and most people pretend
that they care about it.
388
00:20:24,049 --> 00:20:27,009
I don't believe
anyone actually does.
389
00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:30,079
If anyone actually cared
about the environment,
390
00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:33,220
there's no way fountains
would still exist.
391
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:39,009
Fountains are a real big
fuck-you to thirsty people.
392
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,230
Imagine bringing
a little kid
393
00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:44,000
from a third-world country
to see a fountain.
394
00:20:44,019 --> 00:20:46,180
He'd be like,
"Look at all the water!
395
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,069
Can I have a sip?"
396
00:20:48,089 --> 00:20:49,140
And you'd have to be like,
397
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,190
"Oh, no, no!
That's for decoration."
398
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:56,119
"Well, can I at least grab
the money out of it?"
399
00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,150
"No, those are wishes..."
400
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,089
"that were thrown there
by people
401
00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:04,049
that can afford
to throw money.
402
00:21:04,069 --> 00:21:06,039
And you know
what they didn't wish for?
403
00:21:06,059 --> 00:21:08,099
Water.
404
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,190
Now, come on,
I'm gonna show you
a water park.
405
00:21:11,210 --> 00:21:14,130
That's where the water's
for peeing in."
406
00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:19,210
But climate change,
it is a real big deal,
407
00:21:19,230 --> 00:21:21,230
and everyone says,
"Mother Nature."
408
00:21:22,009 --> 00:21:24,150
And I do believe
nature is a woman,
409
00:21:24,170 --> 00:21:26,069
because she's trying
to kill us
410
00:21:26,089 --> 00:21:30,019
in the most passive-aggressive
way possible.
411
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:34,009
It's not some sort
of immediate fire or flood
412
00:21:34,029 --> 00:21:36,140
or a cool explosion.
413
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,019
She's just like,
414
00:21:38,039 --> 00:21:41,029
"What? I raised
the temperature a little."
415
00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:44,099
( laughter and applause )
416
00:21:49,190 --> 00:21:53,079
"Oh, are you uncomfortable?
417
00:21:53,099 --> 00:21:54,210
Well, maybe I wouldn't have
418
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:59,029
if you'd taken out
the recycling like I asked!
419
00:21:59,049 --> 00:22:00,220
I'm fine."
420
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,039
Nature is a woman,
and she hates us women.
421
00:22:06,059 --> 00:22:07,079
She hates us!
422
00:22:07,099 --> 00:22:09,039
She gave us
all the icky stuff.
423
00:22:09,059 --> 00:22:11,109
She's a mean girl.
424
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,230
We're the ones that bleed
every month.
425
00:22:14,009 --> 00:22:17,140
She made orgasms
impossible to find.
426
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:21,079
We're supposed to have
the babies and then feed them?
427
00:22:21,099 --> 00:22:23,230
That seems like a thing
you could've split up.
428
00:22:26,049 --> 00:22:29,069
There were two people
involved in that!
429
00:22:29,089 --> 00:22:30,180
You got most of the way!
430
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,190
You gave men nipples!
431
00:22:33,210 --> 00:22:35,180
What happened? All of a sudden
at the last second
432
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,059
you were just like,
"You know what,
433
00:22:37,079 --> 00:22:39,130
we're gonna keep it
over here with women.
434
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,190
But, men, hang on
to those nipples.
435
00:22:41,210 --> 00:22:44,079
Do whatever you want
with them."
436
00:22:44,099 --> 00:22:47,130
And we're the ones
that have the babies,
437
00:22:47,150 --> 00:22:50,140
and she made
the hole too small,
438
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,190
way too small.
439
00:22:52,210 --> 00:22:57,069
That's a real square-peg,
round-hole situation.
440
00:22:57,089 --> 00:22:59,160
It's a design flaw.
441
00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:02,170
If every time an elevator
went down a building
442
00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:05,009
it broke the building...
443
00:23:05,029 --> 00:23:06,140
( laughter )
444
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,230
...you'd be like,
"We should fix that."
445
00:23:11,009 --> 00:23:13,059
Every time I hear a woman
talk about giving birth--
446
00:23:13,079 --> 00:23:16,049
honestly talk about giving it,
not the Facebook version
447
00:23:16,069 --> 00:23:20,180
of like, "This is magical
and I'm blessed"--
448
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,009
honestly talk
about giving birth,
449
00:23:23,029 --> 00:23:25,180
it always feels like
the beginning of an infomercial
450
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,019
where some guy's
gonna pop out and be like,
451
00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:33,230
"Are you tired of a hole ripping
from your vagina to your butt?
452
00:23:34,009 --> 00:23:37,130
Is pooping on a table
in front of strangers
453
00:23:37,150 --> 00:23:41,079
leaving you
feeling embarrassed?
454
00:23:41,099 --> 00:23:45,049
Have you been
pushing for 20 hours
with no end in sight,
455
00:23:45,069 --> 00:23:49,130
thinking, 'There's gotta be
a better way!'
456
00:23:49,150 --> 00:23:51,049
Well, there's not!"
457
00:23:51,069 --> 00:23:53,119
( applause )
458
00:24:00,150 --> 00:24:04,130
And that is why
I don't recycle.
459
00:24:04,150 --> 00:24:07,150
'Cause if Mother Nature's
not gonna take care of my house,
460
00:24:07,170 --> 00:24:10,009
I'm not gonna take care
of her house!
461
00:24:10,029 --> 00:24:13,140
Also, recycling
is very hard.
462
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,000
( laughter )
463
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:23,099
I do think, though, there's
a really serious problem
right now
464
00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:25,059
that no one's talking about.
465
00:24:25,079 --> 00:24:29,049
I think right now
it's a really hard time
to be a man.
466
00:24:29,069 --> 00:24:31,150
You guys are struggling.
467
00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:35,049
You can't be the first
to do anything anymore.
468
00:24:35,069 --> 00:24:37,170
You've done
almost everything.
469
00:24:37,190 --> 00:24:41,029
It's almost like there's
no reason for you to live.
470
00:24:41,049 --> 00:24:43,079
( laughter )
471
00:24:43,099 --> 00:24:45,000
It's a great time
to be a woman.
472
00:24:45,019 --> 00:24:48,170
I mean, we're at rock bottom,
but we can only go up.
473
00:24:48,190 --> 00:24:51,049
We'll still have
the first female president,
474
00:24:51,069 --> 00:24:53,019
the first woman
on the moon,
475
00:24:53,039 --> 00:24:56,170
the first woman
to assassinate
a president...
476
00:24:56,190 --> 00:25:00,000
( laughter and applause )
477
00:25:00,019 --> 00:25:03,069
It's exciting!
It could be you!
478
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:05,029
I think it would be
very easy
479
00:25:05,049 --> 00:25:07,130
for a woman to assassinate
a president.
480
00:25:07,150 --> 00:25:10,230
She just had to be beautiful
and walk up and be like,
481
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:14,019
"I just wanna talk
to the president for a second."
482
00:25:14,039 --> 00:25:15,099
( laughter )
483
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,059
"Please?"
484
00:25:18,079 --> 00:25:21,069
I'm posed like
all my bones are broken.
485
00:25:21,089 --> 00:25:23,099
( laughter )
486
00:25:25,230 --> 00:25:28,049
We haven't had
a female assassin
487
00:25:28,069 --> 00:25:30,150
because women
are too nice.
488
00:25:30,170 --> 00:25:33,089
We've got close enough
to kill the president,
489
00:25:33,109 --> 00:25:36,170
but instead we just end up
having sex with him.
490
00:25:36,190 --> 00:25:40,059
That's a very nice thing
that we do.
491
00:25:40,079 --> 00:25:44,059
In general, I don't think
we're thanked enough for that.
492
00:25:44,079 --> 00:25:46,009
Think about it.
493
00:25:46,029 --> 00:25:49,210
Monica Lewinsky had
the president's dick
in her mouth.
494
00:25:49,230 --> 00:25:53,039
She could've
assassinated him.
495
00:25:53,059 --> 00:25:56,230
She could've been selfish
and gotten anything she wanted.
496
00:25:57,009 --> 00:25:59,000
If you don't think
you can get anything you want
497
00:25:59,019 --> 00:26:01,150
when you just have
a regular guy's dick
in your mouth,
498
00:26:01,170 --> 00:26:04,230
next time bite down
just a little
499
00:26:05,009 --> 00:26:07,019
and see if he
isn't immediately like,
500
00:26:07,039 --> 00:26:10,119
"Yeah, fine,
we can go on vacation
with your sister!
501
00:26:10,140 --> 00:26:13,170
Just release, release!"
502
00:26:13,190 --> 00:26:16,130
Try it when you go home tonight.
It'll be fun.
503
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:21,180
She had the leader
of the free world's dick
in her mouth.
504
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,140
She could've
assassinated him,
505
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,000
she could've gotten
anything she wanted,
506
00:26:26,019 --> 00:26:29,220
but instead
she was a nice lady
and she blew him,
507
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,119
and then we were mean
to her
508
00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:37,009
for being a nice lady.
509
00:26:37,029 --> 00:26:39,009
I thought at least men
would've stood up for her
510
00:26:39,029 --> 00:26:42,089
and been like,
"Hey, that woman's a patriot!"
511
00:26:48,089 --> 00:26:50,079
But it's a good time
to be a woman.
512
00:26:50,099 --> 00:26:52,210
We're on our way up.
It's exciting for us.
513
00:26:52,230 --> 00:26:56,190
But, men, you're done!
It's over!
514
00:26:56,210 --> 00:27:00,009
There's nothing new
for you to do.
515
00:27:00,029 --> 00:27:02,069
You've been to the moon!
516
00:27:02,089 --> 00:27:05,119
You've been
all the presidents!
517
00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:09,230
Even if you were like,
"I'm gonna win an Olympic medal
and then turn into a lady,"
518
00:27:10,009 --> 00:27:11,200
you'd be the second!
519
00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:14,019
( laughter and applause )
520
00:27:17,019 --> 00:27:18,130
I feel bad for men.
521
00:27:18,150 --> 00:27:21,220
I think it's a really hard time
to be a man right now.
522
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,180
You have a ton
of erection medicine.
523
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,180
I hope everything's okay.
524
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,190
Seems like it might not be.
525
00:27:30,210 --> 00:27:33,049
And I'm glad you guys
have erection medicine.
526
00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:34,210
I think that's great.
527
00:27:34,230 --> 00:27:37,140
A soft penis is very sad.
528
00:27:39,039 --> 00:27:42,150
A soft penis looks
like the sound of sad.
529
00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:44,130
( laughter )
530
00:27:44,150 --> 00:27:47,190
You know, like, wow.
531
00:27:47,210 --> 00:27:51,079
If you showed a deaf kid
a picture of a soft penis,
532
00:27:51,099 --> 00:27:55,019
he'd be like, "I know
you're talking about sad.
Thank you."
533
00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:57,099
That's actually
how they taught Helen Keller.
534
00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:59,059
They just let her
feel a soft penis,
535
00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:01,069
and she was like,
"This means sad."
536
00:28:01,089 --> 00:28:02,160
( laughter )
537
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:05,180
"Thank you for teaching me
this new word."
538
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,180
It's the only way
you could've done it.
539
00:28:12,170 --> 00:28:16,210
I actually think a soft penis
feels very neat.
540
00:28:16,230 --> 00:28:20,109
Every woman in here,
if you had a soft penis
at your desk at work,
541
00:28:20,130 --> 00:28:23,190
you would play with it
all day.
542
00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:25,089
It's soft and squishy.
543
00:28:25,109 --> 00:28:27,220
It's a stress reliever.
544
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,119
Sometimes I'll have
a soft penis in my hand,
and it'll get hard,
545
00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:34,109
and I'm like, "Hey,
you're ruining my good time.
546
00:28:34,130 --> 00:28:36,210
This is less fun now."
547
00:28:36,230 --> 00:28:39,000
How I feel
about soft penises
548
00:28:39,019 --> 00:28:41,109
is as close as I'll ever get
to understanding
549
00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:43,170
about how men
feel about boobs.
550
00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:46,000
'Cause those are also
soft and squishy.
551
00:28:46,019 --> 00:28:49,009
I'm guessing
that's part of their appeal.
552
00:28:49,029 --> 00:28:50,230
Now, imagine
when you felt them,
553
00:28:51,009 --> 00:28:54,089
if all of a sudden
they got rock hard.
554
00:28:54,109 --> 00:28:57,180
You'd be like,
"These seem like weapons."
555
00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,019
That's how we feel
about your penis.
556
00:29:00,039 --> 00:29:01,130
But it's good.
557
00:29:01,150 --> 00:29:04,140
You guys got erection medicine,
that's great.
558
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,160
No one should have
a broken body part.
559
00:29:07,180 --> 00:29:10,029
But you make it hard
for women to get birth control,
560
00:29:10,049 --> 00:29:11,150
and that's not fair.
561
00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:14,019
That's like saying,
"Let's have a duel,
562
00:29:14,039 --> 00:29:16,210
but only one of us
gets a gun,
563
00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:21,079
and on average that gun
shoots 20 million bullets."
564
00:29:21,099 --> 00:29:24,019
And we're just asking
for a shield,
565
00:29:24,039 --> 00:29:26,160
and you're like, "No."
566
00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:28,160
We don't even want
another gun.
567
00:29:28,180 --> 00:29:30,150
We just want a shield.
568
00:29:30,170 --> 00:29:35,079
We're saying
you can have all the players
on both hockey teams.
569
00:29:35,099 --> 00:29:38,049
We just want one goalie.
570
00:29:38,069 --> 00:29:40,119
It doesn't even have to be
your best goalie!
571
00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:42,190
We'll take
your third-string goalie!
572
00:29:42,210 --> 00:29:45,039
You can give
the Zamboni guy a stick.
573
00:29:45,059 --> 00:29:48,109
We just need someone
to hit a couple pucks away!
574
00:29:48,130 --> 00:29:51,019
( laughter and applause )
575
00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:58,109
Even cars get
windshield wipers.
576
00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:01,190
Come on, give us a chance!
There's a downpour.
577
00:30:01,210 --> 00:30:03,180
( laughter )
578
00:30:05,079 --> 00:30:08,109
We should be constantly
given birth control!
579
00:30:08,130 --> 00:30:09,170
It should be annoying.
580
00:30:09,190 --> 00:30:11,039
Like, when you leave
a restaurant,
581
00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,180
instead of mints
it should be birth control.
582
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,000
When you push a door
instead of pull it,
583
00:30:16,019 --> 00:30:18,109
birth control
should pop out.
584
00:30:18,130 --> 00:30:20,180
Like,
"You're not ready yet."
585
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,160
( laughter )
586
00:30:22,180 --> 00:30:25,069
"Let's work on
some other skills."
587
00:30:26,230 --> 00:30:28,130
It's a human!
588
00:30:28,150 --> 00:30:30,220
You'd be making a human!
589
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,119
It should be hard
to make a human!
590
00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:36,039
It's hard to make
a croissant.
591
00:30:36,059 --> 00:30:37,210
( laughter )
592
00:30:37,230 --> 00:30:40,180
It takes three days
to make a croissant!
593
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,220
You can make a human
in that bathroom.
594
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,089
You cannot make a croissant
in that bathroom.
595
00:30:47,109 --> 00:30:51,200
Like, how many people here
have successfully made
a croissant?
596
00:30:51,220 --> 00:30:56,170
How many people here have
accidentally made a human?
597
00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:58,170
And those two people
are never the same,
598
00:30:58,190 --> 00:31:02,109
'cause croissant-makers
are planners.
599
00:31:02,130 --> 00:31:04,220
And they're usually
a little less fun.
600
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,170
Now, if when you had sex
you accidentally made
a croissant,
601
00:31:07,190 --> 00:31:09,099
that would be great.
602
00:31:09,119 --> 00:31:12,049
( laughter and applause )
603
00:31:12,069 --> 00:31:15,059
Finally, women would be like,
"No, I'm paying for the drinks,
604
00:31:15,079 --> 00:31:17,190
and we're leaving now.
605
00:31:17,210 --> 00:31:20,170
Drink it up, little lady,
we're going home!
606
00:31:20,190 --> 00:31:24,119
I'm hungry
and I want a flaky snack!"
607
00:31:24,140 --> 00:31:26,029
Then finally men
would be like,
608
00:31:26,049 --> 00:31:29,160
"I feel like you're just
using me for the croissant.
609
00:31:29,180 --> 00:31:30,230
I mean, I don't care,
610
00:31:31,009 --> 00:31:32,210
I just want you
to know how I feel."
611
00:31:32,230 --> 00:31:34,180
( laughter )
612
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,069
And if having sex
with a black guy
613
00:31:36,089 --> 00:31:38,000
meant you got
a chocolate croissant,
614
00:31:38,019 --> 00:31:40,200
that "never go back" thing
would be 100% true.
615
00:31:40,220 --> 00:31:42,220
( laughter and applause )
616
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,220
Even white men
would be like, "Go!
617
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,079
I get it! Go!
618
00:31:47,099 --> 00:31:51,109
You have to go!
The croissants are better!
619
00:31:51,130 --> 00:31:53,039
And bring one home."
620
00:31:54,180 --> 00:31:55,220
It should be hard.
621
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,039
It should be hard
to have a human.
622
00:31:58,059 --> 00:31:59,119
We have enough.
623
00:31:59,140 --> 00:32:01,230
We don't need as many
as we used to.
624
00:32:02,009 --> 00:32:04,200
At this point,
if you wanna have a baby,
625
00:32:04,220 --> 00:32:07,099
you should have to take
a test or two.
626
00:32:07,119 --> 00:32:08,220
Something simple,
627
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,009
like, "Let me see
your iPhone screen.
628
00:32:12,029 --> 00:32:14,009
Oh, it's cracked?
Then no!"
629
00:32:14,029 --> 00:32:16,059
( laughter and applause )
630
00:32:18,140 --> 00:32:22,079
You can't carry a phone,
you can't carry a baby.
631
00:32:22,099 --> 00:32:24,140
They're wigglier.
632
00:32:26,220 --> 00:32:29,009
I don't want
to have a baby.
633
00:32:29,029 --> 00:32:30,190
This isn't an abortion joke.
I'm not pregnant.
634
00:32:30,210 --> 00:32:33,039
I'm not like, "I don't want
to have a baby,
635
00:32:33,059 --> 00:32:35,079
and I gotta get
out of here!"
636
00:32:38,130 --> 00:32:40,109
I don't want to have a baby
or a family.
637
00:32:40,130 --> 00:32:42,210
I want a career.
That's what I want.
638
00:32:42,230 --> 00:32:45,049
And I know there's a lot
of people out there
that are like,
639
00:32:45,069 --> 00:32:48,079
"But, Michelle,
you don't have to choose.
640
00:32:48,099 --> 00:32:51,089
You can have it all.
641
00:32:51,109 --> 00:32:53,210
Women can have it all."
642
00:32:53,230 --> 00:32:56,049
Yeah, stop saying that.
643
00:32:56,069 --> 00:32:58,079
You act like "all"
is good.
644
00:32:58,099 --> 00:33:00,049
"All" does not mean good.
645
00:33:00,069 --> 00:33:02,099
You've never left
an all-you-can-eat buffet
646
00:33:02,119 --> 00:33:05,009
and thought, "I feel
really good about myself."
647
00:33:05,029 --> 00:33:07,009
( laughter and applause )
648
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,160
"Mm, that crab and pudding
649
00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:14,039
is sitting
really well together.
650
00:33:14,059 --> 00:33:17,049
I sure am glad
I went back for spare ribs."
651
00:33:20,210 --> 00:33:22,039
"All" is not good.
652
00:33:22,059 --> 00:33:24,130
And even if we do try
to have it all,
653
00:33:24,150 --> 00:33:27,140
even if a woman out there
definitely wants it all,
654
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,140
we've put up
too many obstacles
655
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,150
in your way
to make it possible.
656
00:33:31,170 --> 00:33:35,079
It's like, "Oh, congratulations,
you're having a baby?
657
00:33:35,099 --> 00:33:37,000
Great.
Couple things...
658
00:33:37,019 --> 00:33:39,019
We're gonna need you to get
that car accident of a body
659
00:33:39,039 --> 00:33:41,140
back to work
as soon as possible,
because this is America
660
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,119
and we don't think
you need time to recover.
661
00:33:43,140 --> 00:33:45,170
Also, you should breastfeed.
It's what's best for the baby.
662
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:47,089
But don't do it
in public, you pig.
663
00:33:47,109 --> 00:33:49,019
Do it in the old janitor's
closet underneath the bridge
664
00:33:49,039 --> 00:33:51,019
with the rest
of the breastfeeding trolls.
665
00:33:51,039 --> 00:33:53,109
And don't ask
to take time off from work
when your kids are sick.
666
00:33:53,130 --> 00:33:54,170
We'll think
you're not dedicated.
667
00:33:54,190 --> 00:33:56,150
Also, why are you
such a bad mom?
668
00:33:56,170 --> 00:33:59,130
By the way, your salary
is just enough to cover
the cost of childcare.
669
00:33:59,150 --> 00:34:01,230
And we know you're exhausted
and you don't really know
who you are anymore,
670
00:34:02,009 --> 00:34:04,039
and you're trying to balance
your old life and your new life,
671
00:34:04,059 --> 00:34:06,029
but, quick,
go have sex with your husband!
He's about to leave!
672
00:34:06,049 --> 00:34:07,150
He doesn't understand
what you're going through!
673
00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,170
Quick, go now!
And, sweetie, smile!"
674
00:34:10,190 --> 00:34:13,159
( cheering and applause )
675
00:34:25,210 --> 00:34:28,119
I don't want it.
Men don't try to have it all.
676
00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:32,099
They're just like,
"I got a job and a sandwich.
I'm good.
677
00:34:32,119 --> 00:34:34,179
My wife says if I behave
for another year,
678
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:38,019
she'll give me a section
of the garage where I can sit."
679
00:34:38,039 --> 00:34:39,230
( laughter )
680
00:34:42,039 --> 00:34:44,000
"I love sitting."
681
00:34:48,110 --> 00:34:49,170
I don't want
to be a mom.
682
00:34:49,190 --> 00:34:52,030
I wouldn't mind
being a dad.
683
00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:54,110
( laughter and applause )
684
00:34:56,019 --> 00:34:58,150
That seems like more fun,
685
00:34:58,170 --> 00:35:00,170
and there are great dads
out there.
686
00:35:00,190 --> 00:35:03,010
There are
very good dads out there,
687
00:35:03,030 --> 00:35:06,230
but a great dad
is still just an okay mom.
688
00:35:07,010 --> 00:35:09,099
A fork is a shitty spoon.
689
00:35:13,039 --> 00:35:16,119
I know, I can't be a dad.
It's very upsetting.
690
00:35:16,139 --> 00:35:20,000
I don't wanna be a mom,
so I want a career.
691
00:35:20,019 --> 00:35:23,110
And I thought knowing
what I wanted in life
made me special,
692
00:35:23,130 --> 00:35:26,030
but it really just kind of
makes me a waste.
693
00:35:26,050 --> 00:35:28,119
Like, having a baby
is arguably
694
00:35:28,139 --> 00:35:31,090
the coolest thing
your body can do.
695
00:35:31,110 --> 00:35:34,019
Like, I have a friend
who has one arm,
696
00:35:34,039 --> 00:35:37,099
and then she just
had a baby that had two arms.
697
00:35:37,119 --> 00:35:39,050
( laughter )
698
00:35:39,070 --> 00:35:43,079
You can make shit
you don't even have!
699
00:35:43,099 --> 00:35:44,219
Also, how pissed
did she have to be
700
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,230
when she saw that sonogram,
like, "Two arms?!
701
00:35:48,010 --> 00:35:50,210
This is bullshit!
702
00:35:50,230 --> 00:35:54,010
I give this sonogram
one thumbs down!"
703
00:35:56,019 --> 00:35:58,000
Imagine how frustrating
it would be
704
00:35:58,019 --> 00:36:00,230
to be tying your shoe
with one hand
705
00:36:01,010 --> 00:36:06,010
knowing you have two new hands
growing inside of you
706
00:36:06,030 --> 00:36:08,199
that you're not allowed
to keep!
707
00:36:08,219 --> 00:36:11,139
Two new hands that you will
push out of your body
708
00:36:11,159 --> 00:36:14,059
that will walk away,
wave good-bye,
709
00:36:14,079 --> 00:36:17,090
and never love you
as much as they should.
710
00:36:19,230 --> 00:36:23,190
Not to mention
you can grow a penis
inside a vagina,
711
00:36:23,210 --> 00:36:27,030
like the world's
most terrifying greenhouse!
712
00:36:28,210 --> 00:36:33,059
Find me a horror movie
with a scarier plot!
713
00:36:33,079 --> 00:36:36,179
It is the coolest thing
your body can do.
714
00:36:36,199 --> 00:36:38,219
Me not wanting
to have a baby
715
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:40,190
is like a bird
being like,
716
00:36:40,210 --> 00:36:42,159
"No, I'll walk."
717
00:36:44,219 --> 00:36:47,110
"Okay, but you're
built to fly."
718
00:36:47,130 --> 00:36:49,130
"I know.
I'm gonna walk.
719
00:36:49,150 --> 00:36:51,110
And believe me,
these wings work.
720
00:36:51,130 --> 00:36:54,199
We've had to cancel
a couple flights."
721
00:36:54,219 --> 00:36:56,190
That was the abortion joke.
722
00:36:56,210 --> 00:36:58,190
( laughter and applause )
723
00:37:03,219 --> 00:37:06,070
You have to have one.
724
00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:09,010
Joke or abortion.
I don't know, take your pick.
725
00:37:11,119 --> 00:37:14,099
We care so much
about how we look!
726
00:37:14,119 --> 00:37:18,059
Women, we put in so much effort
into being beautiful.
727
00:37:18,079 --> 00:37:20,150
And I think we should be
more like men
728
00:37:20,170 --> 00:37:22,159
'cause they don't really care
about their bodies,
729
00:37:22,179 --> 00:37:24,070
and look at them!
730
00:37:24,090 --> 00:37:26,139
They're successful!
731
00:37:26,159 --> 00:37:28,230
They're presidents!
They're CEOs!
732
00:37:29,010 --> 00:37:30,130
You never heard a CEO go,
733
00:37:30,150 --> 00:37:33,070
"I wanna get profits up
and keep costs down
734
00:37:33,090 --> 00:37:35,099
and love me for me!"
735
00:37:37,050 --> 00:37:39,070
You know who should care
about their bodies?
736
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,019
Men! You have
weird bodies, men!
737
00:37:42,039 --> 00:37:43,170
You're gross!
738
00:37:45,150 --> 00:37:48,090
Your balls are gross!
739
00:37:49,190 --> 00:37:51,059
I've never seen a guy
and been like,
740
00:37:51,079 --> 00:37:53,000
"Oh, I can't wait
to get his pants off
741
00:37:53,019 --> 00:37:57,059
and see that weird bag of stuff
between his legs!"
742
00:37:57,079 --> 00:37:59,050
What is it?
743
00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:02,000
It's like
a goblin's coin purse.
744
00:38:03,179 --> 00:38:05,139
It's like when you go
to a haunted house
745
00:38:05,159 --> 00:38:07,030
and you stick
your hand in a jar?
746
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,230
You're like,
"Please be grapes."
747
00:38:11,010 --> 00:38:14,119
Balls seem like
a real God whoopsy.
748
00:38:14,139 --> 00:38:16,099
It's like when you're
putting together furniture
749
00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:18,050
and you have
a couple leftover pieces,
750
00:38:18,070 --> 00:38:21,170
and you're like,
"Aah! Those were
supposed to go somewhere.
751
00:38:21,190 --> 00:38:23,119
They look important.
752
00:38:23,139 --> 00:38:26,110
I guess I'll hang 'em
from a satchel!"
753
00:38:27,199 --> 00:38:29,090
Even the name
sounds like a mistake!
754
00:38:29,110 --> 00:38:30,199
Like, "What are you
gonna call 'em?"
755
00:38:30,219 --> 00:38:33,210
( gruffly ) "Scrotum!"
"Okay, I'm sorry.
756
00:38:33,230 --> 00:38:36,070
I didn't realize
it was a bad time.
I'm so sorry."
757
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:42,059
You are so lucky
that we get our faces
near them!
758
00:38:42,079 --> 00:38:44,110
If a woman puts your balls
in her mouth,
759
00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:47,019
you should pay her
a lot of money.
760
00:38:47,039 --> 00:38:49,119
And not like a prostitute
kind of way.
761
00:38:49,139 --> 00:38:52,119
In like, "That was
a very nice thing you just did,
762
00:38:52,139 --> 00:38:55,000
and I don't know
how to say thank you.
763
00:38:55,019 --> 00:38:57,000
Here is some money."
764
00:38:58,159 --> 00:39:01,019
It's a selfless act!
It's selfless!
765
00:39:01,039 --> 00:39:02,199
There's not a single woman
in the world
766
00:39:02,219 --> 00:39:04,039
sitting around
in her book club
767
00:39:04,059 --> 00:39:07,099
being like, "You know
what gets me off?
768
00:39:07,119 --> 00:39:09,179
A lumpy skin sac
hanging out my mouth."
769
00:39:12,150 --> 00:39:15,030
I don't know how we ever
let you guys get away
770
00:39:15,050 --> 00:39:16,190
with calling
our boobs saggy.
771
00:39:16,210 --> 00:39:18,210
Your balls are saggy!
772
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:21,059
You wear a bra!
773
00:39:21,079 --> 00:39:22,139
And you make it fancy!
774
00:39:22,159 --> 00:39:24,170
You dress up for me!
775
00:39:24,190 --> 00:39:27,030
( laughter and applause )
776
00:39:32,110 --> 00:39:35,099
I get one wrinkle,
my career is over.
777
00:39:35,119 --> 00:39:39,030
I have to put paint
on my face to leave my home,
778
00:39:39,050 --> 00:39:40,199
and you guys
get to walk around
779
00:39:40,219 --> 00:39:43,230
with those wrinkly,
dangly bags of crap.
780
00:39:44,010 --> 00:39:46,139
You should have to put
makeup on them!
781
00:39:46,159 --> 00:39:50,159
Or, at the very least,
googly eyes.
782
00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:52,179
I don't know if that
would be better or worse,
783
00:39:52,199 --> 00:39:54,199
but it would be fun.
784
00:39:54,219 --> 00:39:59,019
"He's happy! He's sad!
He lost his boner."
785
00:39:59,039 --> 00:40:01,139
A real Mr. Magoo.
786
00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:11,059
And the thing is,
I think we should all be
ashamed of our bodies,
787
00:40:11,079 --> 00:40:14,010
every single one of us!
788
00:40:14,030 --> 00:40:16,210
Like, that's why
we wear clothes!
789
00:40:16,230 --> 00:40:19,099
That's why animals
have fur!
790
00:40:19,119 --> 00:40:22,030
You ever seen
a shaved cat?
791
00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,010
You look that cat in the eyes,
and you're both ashamed.
792
00:40:26,030 --> 00:40:28,039
If you saw a turtle
outside of its shell,
793
00:40:28,059 --> 00:40:31,079
you'd be like, "Get the fuck
back inside your shell!"
794
00:40:31,099 --> 00:40:32,150
I don't care
how confident you are
795
00:40:32,170 --> 00:40:35,150
in your weird,
turtle-y body.
796
00:40:35,170 --> 00:40:39,150
Also, can we be sure
that turtles have bodies?
797
00:40:39,170 --> 00:40:42,150
Is it just a head and feet?
798
00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:45,039
It seems like
it might be a scheme.
799
00:40:46,210 --> 00:40:49,190
And I'm the worst,
because I say we shouldn't care
800
00:40:49,210 --> 00:40:53,059
about how we look,
but I work out all of the time.
801
00:40:53,079 --> 00:40:56,059
I run every day.
I love running.
802
00:40:56,079 --> 00:40:59,190
I have no idea
what I'm training for.
803
00:40:59,210 --> 00:41:03,019
'Cause I am not physically
gaining any skills.
804
00:41:03,039 --> 00:41:06,000
Like, the only way
working out is ever gonna
help me in life
805
00:41:06,019 --> 00:41:09,050
is that at some point
someone tries to rob or rape me
806
00:41:09,070 --> 00:41:11,159
by chasing me
for three to five miles
807
00:41:11,179 --> 00:41:14,230
at a moderately slow pace.
808
00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:18,119
From the beginning,
if some guy's like,
809
00:41:18,139 --> 00:41:22,030
"Watch out!
I'm gonna rape you!"
810
00:41:22,050 --> 00:41:24,230
I'm like, "Nuh-uh,
not unless you can keep this up
811
00:41:25,010 --> 00:41:27,119
for 30-ish minutes.
812
00:41:29,019 --> 00:41:30,119
Although,
I'm gonna have to stop
813
00:41:30,139 --> 00:41:32,179
about a mile in
to stretch my hamstring.
814
00:41:32,199 --> 00:41:34,139
Could you help me with that?
No funny stuff!
815
00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:36,050
Could you help me
with that?"
816
00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:41,130
Women, we spend so much time
trying to be beautiful.
817
00:41:41,150 --> 00:41:43,139
We spend so much time
818
00:41:43,159 --> 00:41:47,019
when ugly things
are constantly happening to us.
819
00:41:47,039 --> 00:41:50,170
Like, every month
we get our period.
820
00:41:50,190 --> 00:41:55,059
I know... we're not supposed
to talk about it.
821
00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,219
It's very nice
that we don't talk about it.
822
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:01,030
It is the only time
a human is bleeding
823
00:42:01,050 --> 00:42:04,090
and that's not
what the conversation is about.
824
00:42:06,030 --> 00:42:09,010
Like, if Paul got
his arm ripped off
825
00:42:09,030 --> 00:42:11,039
and it was shooting blood
826
00:42:11,059 --> 00:42:13,210
and he walked
into the office...
827
00:42:13,230 --> 00:42:15,059
I should tell you,
828
00:42:15,079 --> 00:42:17,130
a couple of my guy friends
have come up to me
829
00:42:17,150 --> 00:42:19,010
after the show
and been like,
830
00:42:19,030 --> 00:42:22,090
"Hey, you shouldn't use
arm-ripping-off as your example.
831
00:42:22,110 --> 00:42:24,000
It's too extreme."
832
00:42:24,019 --> 00:42:25,139
"Oh, is it?"
833
00:42:28,110 --> 00:42:30,190
One of them actually said,
834
00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,090
"You should use
nosebleed instead."
835
00:42:33,110 --> 00:42:35,199
"Oh, you think
it's like a nosebleed?"
836
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:39,010
( laughter and applause )
837
00:42:44,190 --> 00:42:47,000
All this time, I could've
just tipped my hips up
838
00:42:47,019 --> 00:42:48,210
and it would've gone away.
839
00:42:50,170 --> 00:42:53,079
I'm such a dumb lady!
840
00:42:55,039 --> 00:42:58,130
Both arms viciously torn
from his body!
841
00:42:58,150 --> 00:43:00,159
( laughter and applause )
842
00:43:05,199 --> 00:43:08,190
It's torn from his body,
he walks into the office,
843
00:43:08,210 --> 00:43:13,119
no one's gonna be like,
"How are the expense reports
coming, Paul?"
844
00:43:13,139 --> 00:43:15,179
And Paul wouldn't be
expected to respond,
845
00:43:15,199 --> 00:43:18,030
"Great!
And I feel fine.
846
00:43:18,050 --> 00:43:20,199
Just a normal day
for me.
847
00:43:20,219 --> 00:43:24,019
Nothing weird
happening here.
848
00:43:24,039 --> 00:43:26,019
I don't want
to murder you."
849
00:43:26,039 --> 00:43:29,010
Paul wouldn't be sneaking off
to a corner of his office
850
00:43:29,030 --> 00:43:31,170
to see if blood
had gone through his bandage.
851
00:43:31,190 --> 00:43:33,099
That's happening
at your work.
852
00:43:33,119 --> 00:43:35,030
Women are walking around
being like,
853
00:43:35,050 --> 00:43:37,210
"Did I tie my shoe?
Oh, I'm good, never mind."
854
00:43:37,230 --> 00:43:39,210
( laughter and applause )
855
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:43,219
And you poor, dumb men
are like,
856
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,090
"She doesn't
even have laces!
857
00:43:47,179 --> 00:43:50,030
Carol's having
a weird day."
858
00:43:52,079 --> 00:43:55,159
The only thing you ever
really ask about periods
859
00:43:55,179 --> 00:43:58,059
is "When is it
gonna be over?"
860
00:43:58,079 --> 00:44:00,219
And we always give you
the same answer.
861
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:02,050
"Soon."
862
00:44:02,070 --> 00:44:05,110
'Cause we have
no fucking clue.
863
00:44:05,130 --> 00:44:07,090
It could be over
in 20 minutes,
864
00:44:07,110 --> 00:44:09,130
it could be over
in ten days.
865
00:44:09,150 --> 00:44:11,000
It can be over
in three days
866
00:44:11,019 --> 00:44:12,190
and then take a break
for two days,
867
00:44:12,210 --> 00:44:15,110
and then come back
for a day.
868
00:44:15,130 --> 00:44:18,119
It can be gone,
and then we just put on
clean underwear
869
00:44:18,139 --> 00:44:20,210
and it's like,
"I smell white."
870
00:44:20,230 --> 00:44:24,030
( laughter and applause )
871
00:44:24,050 --> 00:44:26,039
A period's like
an outdoor cat.
872
00:44:26,059 --> 00:44:30,000
You know it's coming back,
but you have no idea when.
873
00:44:30,019 --> 00:44:33,010
And it's probably
gonna have a mouse.
874
00:44:33,030 --> 00:44:35,230
I don't know what mouse is
in that analogy,
875
00:44:36,010 --> 00:44:37,170
but it's gross.
876
00:44:39,159 --> 00:44:43,139
Every day, every day,
at some point during your day,
877
00:44:43,159 --> 00:44:45,139
you talk to a woman
who has her period
878
00:44:45,159 --> 00:44:48,050
and you don't know it
because she says things to you
879
00:44:48,070 --> 00:44:51,139
like, "I'm good.
How are you?"
880
00:44:51,159 --> 00:44:53,130
when all she wants to do
881
00:44:53,150 --> 00:44:56,019
is lay down
on the ground and fart.
882
00:44:56,039 --> 00:44:57,190
( laughter )
883
00:44:57,210 --> 00:45:01,179
That's it, and like a fart
you never even heard before.
884
00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,150
A fart that after you heard it,
you'd be like,
885
00:45:03,170 --> 00:45:06,190
"I don't know who you are
as a person."
886
00:45:06,210 --> 00:45:08,010
Like, men,
if you don't know
887
00:45:08,030 --> 00:45:09,179
the kind of fart
I'm talking about,
888
00:45:09,199 --> 00:45:13,110
it's the kind of fart
you leave a party for.
889
00:45:13,130 --> 00:45:16,099
One where you're like,
"Get your coat!
We gotta go!
890
00:45:16,119 --> 00:45:17,219
No, it's not safe
here anymore!
891
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:21,150
Something might've happened!
Get your coat!"
892
00:45:21,170 --> 00:45:23,119
Like, "But, honey,
we're on a cruise ship."
893
00:45:23,139 --> 00:45:27,099
"It doesn't matter!
We're going swimming!"
894
00:45:27,119 --> 00:45:29,000
That kind of fart.
895
00:45:29,019 --> 00:45:32,039
A lady fart.
896
00:45:32,059 --> 00:45:33,219
You know that picture
of Marilyn Monroe
897
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,099
where her skirt's
blowing up?
898
00:45:35,119 --> 00:45:36,179
Yeah, that wasn't
an air grate.
899
00:45:36,199 --> 00:45:38,179
That was a period fart.
900
00:45:38,199 --> 00:45:40,150
Masturbate to that.
901
00:45:44,019 --> 00:45:47,090
You also say things like,
"Why are you so emotional?
902
00:45:47,110 --> 00:45:49,099
Why are you
so emotional?"
903
00:45:49,119 --> 00:45:51,059
Well, maybe
it's the hormones,
904
00:45:51,079 --> 00:45:53,150
or maybe it's the fact
that I haven't shit in a week
905
00:45:53,170 --> 00:45:58,090
and I got a turd
the size of Danny DeVito
inside of me.
906
00:45:58,110 --> 00:46:02,059
Just a real angry
Danny DeVito who's like,
907
00:46:02,079 --> 00:46:05,000
"I'm not going anywhere!
908
00:46:05,019 --> 00:46:09,099
I was the star
of 'Twins.'"
909
00:46:09,119 --> 00:46:12,000
That'll make
anybody cry.
910
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:13,199
I think if men
got periods,
911
00:46:13,219 --> 00:46:16,010
we'd have
a three-week work month.
912
00:46:16,030 --> 00:46:17,150
They'd be like,
"Let's sync up.
913
00:46:17,170 --> 00:46:19,150
We gotta take a week."
914
00:46:19,170 --> 00:46:21,079
But I also think
if men got periods,
915
00:46:21,099 --> 00:46:23,119
they would've figured out
a better way to deal with it.
916
00:46:23,139 --> 00:46:26,070
They would've demanded
a better way to deal with it.
917
00:46:26,090 --> 00:46:30,019
They'd be like,
"All the money in science,
we got a problem.
918
00:46:30,039 --> 00:46:33,190
Put down your cancer tubes.
We got a problem.
919
00:46:33,210 --> 00:46:37,030
We'll save the children
another day.
920
00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:39,099
Now bring the monkeys.
921
00:46:39,119 --> 00:46:40,190
The monkeys can help.
922
00:46:40,210 --> 00:46:43,130
It's all hands on deck
over here."
923
00:46:43,150 --> 00:46:45,119
And those poor monkeys
are like,
924
00:46:45,139 --> 00:46:48,150
"I have to get
lipstick put on me.
925
00:46:49,230 --> 00:46:53,010
Every day I got
to feel pretty.
926
00:46:53,030 --> 00:46:56,059
I don't want to work
on periods."
927
00:46:57,170 --> 00:46:59,039
Women, it's our fault
928
00:46:59,059 --> 00:47:02,039
we're not further along
in period technology.
929
00:47:02,059 --> 00:47:04,110
'Cause we're okay
that our best solution
930
00:47:04,130 --> 00:47:07,039
is a rolled-up
piece of cotton.
931
00:47:07,059 --> 00:47:09,039
We're okay
that our best solution
932
00:47:09,059 --> 00:47:12,199
is a craft project
from a special kid,
933
00:47:12,219 --> 00:47:16,190
one who was like, "I made you
a Christmas ornament."
934
00:47:16,210 --> 00:47:19,159
The only advancement
we've made
935
00:47:19,179 --> 00:47:21,199
is sometimes
they're smaller.
936
00:47:21,219 --> 00:47:24,099
Because that was
the problem.
937
00:47:24,119 --> 00:47:26,179
We were causing
too much of a commotion
938
00:47:26,199 --> 00:47:30,000
carrying our bazookas
to the bathroom.
939
00:47:31,170 --> 00:47:34,139
Women trade tampons
stealthier
940
00:47:34,159 --> 00:47:37,119
than drug dealers
trade heroin.
941
00:47:37,139 --> 00:47:40,099
( laughter and applause )
942
00:47:40,119 --> 00:47:42,090
I've given out
four tampons
943
00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:44,230
since I've been
onstage.
944
00:47:46,199 --> 00:47:49,159
If there was only women
dealing drugs in "The Wire,"
945
00:47:49,179 --> 00:47:51,219
no one would've
gotten caught.
946
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,170
Stringer Bell
would still be alive.
947
00:47:54,190 --> 00:47:57,210
Stringer Bell is what I call
taking out a tampon.
948
00:47:59,150 --> 00:48:01,019
Is that gross?
949
00:48:01,039 --> 00:48:03,030
'Cause a woman did it today
and then shook your hand
950
00:48:03,050 --> 00:48:05,130
and said, "I'm good.
How are you?"
951
00:48:05,150 --> 00:48:07,190
( laughter and applause )
952
00:48:14,050 --> 00:48:17,050
- I'm single.
- ( laughter )
953
00:48:19,090 --> 00:48:22,019
And I don't want to be
in a relationship.
954
00:48:22,039 --> 00:48:23,210
I don't want to be
in a relationship
955
00:48:23,230 --> 00:48:26,139
for the same reason
I don't want a kid.
956
00:48:26,159 --> 00:48:28,099
I don't want
anything in my life
957
00:48:28,119 --> 00:48:30,019
to be more important
than me.
958
00:48:30,039 --> 00:48:32,090
And maybe that's
selfish and mean,
959
00:48:32,110 --> 00:48:35,170
but the jig is up:
I'm not a nice lady.
960
00:48:35,190 --> 00:48:38,079
( laughter and applause )
961
00:48:40,030 --> 00:48:42,019
And a lot of my friends,
they'll say things like,
962
00:48:42,039 --> 00:48:44,150
"But aren't you scared
of dying alone?"
963
00:48:44,170 --> 00:48:46,110
Is that why
you got married?
964
00:48:46,130 --> 00:48:48,119
So you wouldn't die alone?
965
00:48:48,139 --> 00:48:51,030
So you'd have five minutes
before you died
966
00:48:51,050 --> 00:48:53,199
where you're like,
"Well, this isn't the worst.
967
00:48:53,219 --> 00:48:57,070
Those 40 miserable years
were wor--"
968
00:48:57,090 --> 00:48:59,030
( laughter )
969
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:02,110
He died.
970
00:49:02,130 --> 00:49:04,079
( laughter )
971
00:49:06,230 --> 00:49:09,000
I'm not scared
of dying alone.
972
00:49:09,019 --> 00:49:12,190
I'm terrified of people
seeing how I live.
973
00:49:14,019 --> 00:49:15,230
I live like a divorced dad
974
00:49:16,010 --> 00:49:19,079
who's not trying to get custody
of his kids back.
975
00:49:21,099 --> 00:49:24,130
There's just hot sauce
in the fridge.
976
00:49:24,150 --> 00:49:27,139
One side of my bed
is covered in laundry.
977
00:49:27,159 --> 00:49:29,090
It's now
in the shape of a person,
978
00:49:29,110 --> 00:49:31,050
and every morning
when I wake up,
979
00:49:31,070 --> 00:49:34,099
I roll over and I'm like,
"Today I'll try to be better."
980
00:49:38,150 --> 00:49:40,010
I don't want to be
in a relationship.
981
00:49:40,030 --> 00:49:42,079
I don't even like dating.
I don't.
982
00:49:42,099 --> 00:49:43,170
Sometimes I try
to do it.
983
00:49:43,190 --> 00:49:45,210
Sometimes I try to be
a nice, normal lady.
984
00:49:45,230 --> 00:49:47,110
I'll go out on a date.
985
00:49:47,130 --> 00:49:50,099
I went on a date
with a personal trainer
from my gym.
986
00:49:50,119 --> 00:49:51,179
I thought
that'd be fun--
987
00:49:51,199 --> 00:49:54,039
a big, strong guy
who could pick you up
988
00:49:54,059 --> 00:49:57,010
and then set you down
in a controlled manner.
989
00:49:59,219 --> 00:50:01,039
The date was not fun.
990
00:50:01,059 --> 00:50:03,050
All he talked about
was exercise,
991
00:50:03,070 --> 00:50:05,059
and then finally
in the restaurant we were in,
992
00:50:05,079 --> 00:50:07,179
that song "Empire
State of Mind" came on.
993
00:50:07,199 --> 00:50:09,090
You guys know
that song, right?
994
00:50:09,110 --> 00:50:11,110
??New York,
concrete jungle ??
995
00:50:11,130 --> 00:50:12,150
??Where dreams are... ??
996
00:50:12,170 --> 00:50:15,099
He sang the whole song,
997
00:50:15,119 --> 00:50:19,059
both Jay-Z
and Alicia's parts.
998
00:50:19,079 --> 00:50:21,139
This joke
is three minutes long.
999
00:50:21,159 --> 00:50:24,099
That song is
four and a half minutes long,
1000
00:50:24,119 --> 00:50:26,199
which means
after this joke is over,
1001
00:50:26,219 --> 00:50:30,079
he'd still be singing
for a minute and a half.
1002
00:50:30,099 --> 00:50:31,219
You know if someone
sings at you
1003
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:33,090
for more than four minutes,
1004
00:50:33,110 --> 00:50:35,170
you're legally allowed
to kill them?
1005
00:50:35,190 --> 00:50:38,130
( laughter )
1006
00:50:38,150 --> 00:50:40,019
So, finally,
the bill comes.
1007
00:50:40,039 --> 00:50:41,130
It's $84.
1008
00:50:41,150 --> 00:50:44,119
He throws down 40
and he goes, "Is that enough?"
1009
00:50:44,139 --> 00:50:46,190
And, listen,
I'm an independent woman,
1010
00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:50,079
I'll pay for half my meal,
but that's not half.
1011
00:50:51,190 --> 00:50:54,030
So, I never really want
to see this guy again,
1012
00:50:54,050 --> 00:50:55,159
but he keeps texting me.
1013
00:50:55,179 --> 00:50:58,110
And one day he just sent me
a picture of his bed.
1014
00:50:58,130 --> 00:51:00,030
And I didn't know
how to respond.
1015
00:51:00,050 --> 00:51:03,150
I was like, "Congratulations
on making your bed?"
1016
00:51:03,170 --> 00:51:05,070
So, one of my friends goes,
1017
00:51:05,090 --> 00:51:08,050
"Just text him
you're not interested."
1018
00:51:08,070 --> 00:51:09,159
And then
my other friend goes,
1019
00:51:09,179 --> 00:51:12,019
"Text him
the weirdest stuff possible.
1020
00:51:12,039 --> 00:51:13,150
Then he'll leave you alone."
1021
00:51:13,170 --> 00:51:16,019
I was like, "That's the one
I'm gonna do."
1022
00:51:16,039 --> 00:51:18,079
And I'm gonna read them
to you now.
1023
00:51:18,099 --> 00:51:21,030
( laughter and applause )
1024
00:51:23,119 --> 00:51:24,210
I took screenshots
of them,
1025
00:51:24,230 --> 00:51:26,090
and I just have
to scroll through
1026
00:51:26,110 --> 00:51:28,190
a ton of selfies
to get there.
1027
00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:31,159
And I know a lot of people
don't like selfies.
1028
00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:33,079
They think
you shouldn't take them.
1029
00:51:33,099 --> 00:51:36,000
I think you should take them
and you should post them,
1030
00:51:36,019 --> 00:51:40,170
but you should also post
the number of times you tried
taking the picture.
1031
00:51:40,190 --> 00:51:43,179
Like, "This is me
looking cute 67."
1032
00:51:45,190 --> 00:51:49,070
Okay, can you just confirm
that these are real
text messages?
1033
00:51:49,090 --> 00:51:50,230
Yeah, those look
pretty real.
1034
00:51:51,010 --> 00:51:53,099
All right, you heard it
from that guy
1035
00:51:53,119 --> 00:51:55,070
with a puka-shell necklace.
1036
00:51:55,090 --> 00:51:58,030
( laughter )
1037
00:51:58,050 --> 00:52:01,190
I guess we'll have
to trust him!
1038
00:52:01,210 --> 00:52:03,150
No one's ever said that
about a guy
1039
00:52:03,170 --> 00:52:06,059
with a puka-shell necklace
before.
1040
00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:08,210
They've been like,
"I gotta cover this drink."
1041
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,119
( laughter and applause )
1042
00:52:17,030 --> 00:52:18,210
He goes,
"Hey, Michelle."
1043
00:52:18,230 --> 00:52:20,230
I go, "Hey, Wildcat."
1044
00:52:23,010 --> 00:52:26,000
That's a pretty strong start.
1045
00:52:26,019 --> 00:52:28,130
We've been on one date.
1046
00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:31,210
"Wildcat" is
an aggressive nickname
out of the gate.
1047
00:52:34,059 --> 00:52:36,139
"'Wildcat?' LOL.
That's new.
1048
00:52:36,159 --> 00:52:39,159
Kinda like it.
What made you choose
that nickname?"
1049
00:52:39,179 --> 00:52:44,000
And I go,
"Just something tick-tocking
in my old noggin."
1050
00:52:44,019 --> 00:52:46,130
( laughter )
1051
00:52:46,150 --> 00:52:48,159
That should be it, right?
1052
00:52:48,179 --> 00:52:50,019
If someone
texted you that,
1053
00:52:50,039 --> 00:52:51,179
you'd be like,
"Oh, she's insane.
1054
00:52:51,199 --> 00:52:55,079
I have to never talk
to her again."
1055
00:52:55,099 --> 00:52:57,159
But instead,
he comes back with "Love it!
1056
00:52:57,179 --> 00:53:00,139
Keep it up.
How was your day?"
1057
00:53:00,159 --> 00:53:03,170
And, honestly,
I get a little excited
at this point,
1058
00:53:03,190 --> 00:53:05,079
because he's
still holding on,
1059
00:53:05,099 --> 00:53:06,179
and I know
I can just shift it
1060
00:53:06,199 --> 00:53:08,210
into a higher gear
to lose him.
1061
00:53:08,230 --> 00:53:11,150
I feel like I'm in a car chase,
and all of a sudden I'm like,
1062
00:53:11,170 --> 00:53:15,210
"All right, buddy!"
( imitates engine revving )
1063
00:53:15,230 --> 00:53:19,050
That's a pretty good
car sound.
1064
00:53:19,070 --> 00:53:21,039
He goes,
"How is your day?"
1065
00:53:21,059 --> 00:53:22,199
and I respond with,
1066
00:53:22,219 --> 00:53:25,179
"Still chipping away
at the ham."
1067
00:53:25,199 --> 00:53:28,130
( laughter )
1068
00:53:28,150 --> 00:53:31,079
That's not a saying!
1069
00:53:31,099 --> 00:53:34,070
For that to be
a saying, it means that
at some point in time,
1070
00:53:34,090 --> 00:53:37,079
people spent their day
chipping ham,
1071
00:53:37,099 --> 00:53:41,070
and it took so long,
they'd have to send word
to their loved ones,
1072
00:53:41,090 --> 00:53:42,190
"Honey, I'm sorry.
1073
00:53:42,210 --> 00:53:44,190
I can't come home
for dinner tonight.
1074
00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:48,000
I'm still chipping away
at the ham.
1075
00:53:48,019 --> 00:53:52,079
You know, at my job
at the ham-chip factory."
1076
00:53:52,099 --> 00:53:56,139
Which does sound
delicious.
1077
00:53:56,159 --> 00:54:00,019
And this is how I knew
he was a formidable opponent.
1078
00:54:00,039 --> 00:54:01,150
He came back with,
1079
00:54:01,170 --> 00:54:05,059
"Shit, make sure you leave
a slice for me, too!"
1080
00:54:05,079 --> 00:54:07,110
( laughter )
1081
00:54:07,130 --> 00:54:08,170
"And by the way,
1082
00:54:08,190 --> 00:54:12,000
I have the honey
to go alongside the ham."
1083
00:54:13,099 --> 00:54:15,210
Gross!
1084
00:54:15,230 --> 00:54:19,000
What's the honey?
I don't want the honey!
1085
00:54:19,019 --> 00:54:21,010
Take the honey away!
1086
00:54:21,030 --> 00:54:22,199
If the honey's
what I think it is,
1087
00:54:22,219 --> 00:54:25,219
no woman has ever
wanted the honey.
1088
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,070
Sometimes we take
the honey to be nice,
1089
00:54:28,090 --> 00:54:31,090
but, honestly,
it's an inconvenience.
1090
00:54:31,110 --> 00:54:32,190
Most of the time
we're like,
1091
00:54:32,210 --> 00:54:35,179
"Hey, wipe this up.
I'm getting sticky!"
1092
00:54:38,119 --> 00:54:41,110
So, I don't respond.
I need time.
1093
00:54:41,130 --> 00:54:43,159
I need to regroup.
1094
00:54:43,179 --> 00:54:45,159
I need to train.
1095
00:54:45,179 --> 00:54:48,110
Normally when
I'm this stressed out,
I go to the gym,
1096
00:54:48,130 --> 00:54:50,010
but I can't do that.
1097
00:54:51,170 --> 00:54:53,110
Couple of days later
he texts me,
1098
00:54:53,130 --> 00:54:55,119
"Hi, Wolfgang.
LOL."
1099
00:54:55,139 --> 00:54:58,170
And I 100% believe
he LOL'd at that.
1100
00:54:58,190 --> 00:55:01,050
( laughter )
1101
00:55:01,070 --> 00:55:03,039
He was like,
"She gave me a nickname.
1102
00:55:03,059 --> 00:55:05,050
I'm gonna give her
a nickname.
1103
00:55:05,070 --> 00:55:08,170
Wolfgang!
Ha-ha!
1104
00:55:08,190 --> 00:55:10,130
I am the best."
1105
00:55:12,010 --> 00:55:13,179
"Hi, Wolfgang.
LOL.
1106
00:55:13,199 --> 00:55:15,230
I was wondering
if you'd accompany me
Friday night.
1107
00:55:16,010 --> 00:55:19,050
I'm taking
some of my clients out
for their birthday."
1108
00:55:19,070 --> 00:55:22,139
And I responded with,
"No dice, Squirrel Man!
1109
00:55:22,159 --> 00:55:25,030
Got plans on plans
on waffles."
1110
00:55:25,050 --> 00:55:27,039
( laughing )
1111
00:55:27,059 --> 00:55:30,159
That is some of the best work
I've ever done.
1112
00:55:32,130 --> 00:55:34,039
I'm pretty sure
Squirrel Man
1113
00:55:34,059 --> 00:55:38,139
is a huge downgrade
from Wildcat.
1114
00:55:38,159 --> 00:55:41,010
If someone started
calling me Wildcat
1115
00:55:41,030 --> 00:55:44,000
and then switched
to Squirrel Man,
1116
00:55:44,019 --> 00:55:48,070
I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
what did I do?"
1117
00:55:48,090 --> 00:55:52,099
And I don't know
what "plans on plans
on waffles" means,
1118
00:55:52,119 --> 00:55:56,019
but it's too much
before breakfast.
1119
00:55:56,039 --> 00:55:59,010
And this bitch
comes back with
1120
00:55:59,030 --> 00:56:02,079
"Oh, cool, make sure
you don't forget the syrup."
1121
00:56:02,099 --> 00:56:04,139
( laughter )
1122
00:56:04,159 --> 00:56:06,170
And I don't know
what to do at this point,
1123
00:56:06,190 --> 00:56:10,230
because I'm pretty sure
he's falling in love with me,
1124
00:56:11,010 --> 00:56:14,210
and I think maybe
I'm falling in love with him.
1125
00:56:14,230 --> 00:56:17,210
So I text him
"I love you,"
1126
00:56:17,230 --> 00:56:20,110
and then I never heard
from him again.
1127
00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:22,130
( laughter and applause )
1128
00:56:22,150 --> 00:56:24,110
Thanks a lot, guys!
You've been great!
1129
00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:25,219
I'm Michelle Wolf!
1130
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:29,219
??She was an American girl ??
1131
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:33,179
??Raised on the promises ??
1132
00:56:33,199 --> 00:56:36,210
??She couldn't help
thinking that there ??
1133
00:56:36,230 --> 00:56:39,090
??Was a little more to life ??
1134
00:56:39,110 --> 00:56:41,170
??Somewhere else ??
1135
00:56:41,190 --> 00:56:45,199
??After all,
it was a great big world ??
1136
00:56:45,219 --> 00:56:49,210
??With lots of places
to run to ??
1137
00:56:49,230 --> 00:56:52,190
??Yeah,
and if she had to die ??
1138
00:56:52,210 --> 00:56:56,039
??Tryin' she had
one little promise ??
1139
00:56:56,059 --> 00:56:59,079
??She was gonna keep ??
1140
00:56:59,099 --> 00:57:01,090
??Oh, yeah ??
1141
00:57:01,110 --> 00:57:03,039
??All right ??
1142
00:57:03,059 --> 00:57:05,059
??Take it easy, baby ??
1143
00:57:05,079 --> 00:57:07,150
- ??Make it last all night ??- ??Make it last all night ??
1144
00:57:07,170 --> 00:57:12,000
??She was
an American girl. ??
82272
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