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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:02,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:05,219 --> 00:00:08,070 - ( music playing ) - ( chatter ) 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:30,149 --> 00:00:33,009 Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michelle Wolf! 5 00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:35,090 ( cheering, applause ) 6 00:00:47,229 --> 00:00:52,219 Oh, stop, stop! 7 00:00:54,049 --> 00:00:58,179 Thank you, thank you! 8 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:02,140 Guys! 9 00:01:02,159 --> 00:01:04,200 Boy! 10 00:01:04,219 --> 00:01:09,060 What a time to be alive, huh? 11 00:01:09,079 --> 00:01:11,060 I probably don't need to say this, 12 00:01:11,079 --> 00:01:13,019 but I should just let everyone know, 13 00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:15,019 - I am a feminist. - Woman: Whoo! 14 00:01:15,039 --> 00:01:17,030 I-- yeah, one person, that's all. 15 00:01:17,049 --> 00:01:20,019 Uh, that's about average. 16 00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:24,000 Oh, feminism is fairly unpopular, so I should also point out 17 00:01:24,019 --> 00:01:26,210 I'm not, like, a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist. 18 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,079 We all have our lines. Mine is at the bar. 19 00:01:32,099 --> 00:01:35,219 It's like, "I want equal pay and a chardonnay!" 20 00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,219 Well, then, just the chardonnay. 21 00:01:43,219 --> 00:01:46,049 I do think as feminists 22 00:01:46,069 --> 00:01:48,159 we're fighting for too many things right now. 23 00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:50,159 Like, there's some feminists that are like, 24 00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:52,060 "We wanna be in charge of stuff 25 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:54,030 and we wanna get paid the same." 26 00:01:54,049 --> 00:01:55,189 And then there's other feminists that are like, 27 00:01:55,210 --> 00:02:00,069 "We wanna free the nipple on Instagram." 28 00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:03,120 It's like, "Hey, can we focus? 29 00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:07,129 I know she's more fun, but can we focus?" 30 00:02:07,150 --> 00:02:09,110 It's like if during the Revolutionary War, 31 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,090 if some soldiers were like, "We wanna be independent!" 32 00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:13,180 and then other soldiers were like, 33 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:18,210 "We wanna free the nipple on Instagram!" 34 00:02:18,229 --> 00:02:22,180 You'd be like, "Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you. 35 00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:26,189 You sound like you'd be fairly irresponsible." 36 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:31,110 Also just logically, we focus our attention and power on one thing. 37 00:02:31,129 --> 00:02:33,219 We're much more likely to get it accomplished. 38 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,000 So, personally, I think we should go after equal pay. 39 00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:41,020 But if all the women voted, and we got on the same page, 40 00:02:41,039 --> 00:02:43,060 and we wanted to go after nipple, fine, 41 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:46,199 I'll fight nipple, I'm a team player. 42 00:02:46,219 --> 00:02:52,060 It's just hard for me to even believe that that was a woman's idea. 43 00:02:52,079 --> 00:02:56,150 Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting and he was like, 44 00:02:56,170 --> 00:03:01,039 "We gotta get these nipples on Instagram! 45 00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:03,169 Did you hear we can't? 46 00:03:03,189 --> 00:03:06,000 It's not fair... 47 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,090 for the women. 48 00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:12,030 You know me, my main concern is the women." 49 00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:14,159 ( exhales ) 50 00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:18,150 "It's why I call 'em 'the women.'" 51 00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:21,069 And the whole debate is men are allowed to have 52 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:24,129 their nipples on Instagram; women aren't. 53 00:03:24,150 --> 00:03:26,189 Well, here's an easier solution. 54 00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:30,150 Just get male nipples off of Instagram. 55 00:03:30,170 --> 00:03:33,000 I've never seen a man's nipple and been like, 56 00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:35,189 "Oh, now my day's better. 57 00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:39,150 Boy, do I love looking at those useless skin tags." 58 00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:43,009 We gotta focus! 59 00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:45,060 We gotta focus on what we're fighting for. 60 00:03:45,079 --> 00:03:47,150 Stop going after shiny objects. 61 00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:50,110 Like, we kept campaigning to get women on money. 62 00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:52,050 We're gonna get one. 63 00:03:52,069 --> 00:03:54,050 I don't care who's on my money. 64 00:03:54,069 --> 00:03:55,150 I mostly use a credit card, 65 00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:58,060 and there's a picture of a cat on that. 66 00:03:58,079 --> 00:04:02,030 And I picked it, 'cause I'm the person you think I am. 67 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:06,009 There were a ton of options. I was like, "Cat." 68 00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:07,120 And then I saw a second cat option. 69 00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:10,090 I was like, "I gotta open another account." 70 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:13,000 I can't choose between two cats! 71 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,159 I'm not a monster. 72 00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:18,009 No, I don't wanna donate to your children's charity. 73 00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:24,009 Like, why you wanna put a woman on a dollar, anyway? 74 00:04:24,029 --> 00:04:26,019 It's not like a man's gonna look down at it 75 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:31,129 and be like, "Oh, right, I gotta start respecting these. 76 00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:35,129 I'm sorry, stripper, I can't give this to you. 77 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:39,209 I mean, Mrs. Stripper." 78 00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:42,180 So much is happening right now. 79 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,110 I think a lot of us are still trying to figure out 80 00:04:45,129 --> 00:04:47,110 how Hillary lost. 81 00:04:47,129 --> 00:04:50,230 I do have a theory on why Hillary lost. 82 00:04:51,009 --> 00:04:54,120 I think it's 'cause no one likes her. 83 00:04:54,139 --> 00:04:58,029 Like, I voted for her, but I don't like her. 84 00:04:58,050 --> 00:05:00,089 Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, 85 00:05:00,110 --> 00:05:03,170 I'd be like, "I'm sorry. I have to go to the bathroom." 86 00:05:03,189 --> 00:05:06,009 And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, 87 00:05:06,029 --> 00:05:09,079 I'd be like, "I'm sorry. I have to use the men's room. 88 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,069 I just made a life choice." 89 00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:15,000 But you shouldn't like Hillary. 90 00:05:15,019 --> 00:05:16,180 She's a bitch. 91 00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:19,170 You have to be a bitch to be that powerful. 92 00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:23,230 We're never gonna have a nice lady run for president. 93 00:05:24,009 --> 00:05:26,199 Nice ladies aren't in charge of things. 94 00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,139 And if you're in charge of something 95 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:32,040 and you think you're a nice lady, no one else does. 96 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,139 ( laughter and applause ) 97 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,120 There are whole email chains 98 00:05:41,139 --> 00:05:45,009 about how much you're not a nice lady. 99 00:05:45,029 --> 00:05:48,209 And Hillary isn't nice, she's not fun, 100 00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:51,090 she doesn't go to brunch. 101 00:05:51,110 --> 00:05:53,220 She eats, like, a hard-boiled egg in the morning 102 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,220 and then nothing the rest of the day. 103 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,040 She doesn't even peel it. 104 00:05:58,060 --> 00:06:01,149 She just squashes it in her fist. 105 00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:03,040 She gets hungry in the afternoon 106 00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:06,180 and then slaps a man and goes, "Full now." 107 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,120 ( applause ) 108 00:06:10,050 --> 00:06:13,060 And I get it, I get not liking Hillary, 109 00:06:13,079 --> 00:06:16,139 but the one thing that I think is completely unforgivable 110 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,139 is some people would be like, "Well, you know what it is? 111 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,089 I just can't listen to her. 112 00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:24,120 She has such a shrill voice," and it's like, 113 00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:26,120 ( shrilly ) well, sometimes... 114 00:06:26,139 --> 00:06:27,220 ( laughter ) 115 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,189 ...that's just what happens to your voice. 116 00:06:30,209 --> 00:06:34,209 Sometimes you're a person with a shrill voice, 117 00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:38,139 and there's nothing you can do about it, 118 00:06:38,159 --> 00:06:41,159 ( increasingly shrill ) 'cause you don't get to choose your voice! 119 00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:49,090 I was never like, "Oh, you know what, 120 00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:54,009 I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside. 121 00:06:54,029 --> 00:06:56,079 No, no, I want it to be so shrill 122 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,189 that if I suck the helium out of a balloon, 123 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:01,230 it wouldn't change my voice at all." 124 00:07:02,009 --> 00:07:06,040 That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me. 125 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:12,180 I wasn't like, "No, leave the sexy voices for someone else. 126 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:17,100 This hair will take care of the rest of it." 127 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:22,069 That's a real one-two punch. "Hi, how are you?" 128 00:07:22,089 --> 00:07:25,019 ( deeper ) "Well, this seems like it'll be normal." 129 00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:28,110 And I get it, I get it! 130 00:07:28,129 --> 00:07:30,110 You don't want four years of this voice, 131 00:07:30,129 --> 00:07:33,230 just like I know you don't wanna wake up next to this voice. 132 00:07:34,009 --> 00:07:37,139 You don't want me going, "Hey, good morning! 133 00:07:37,159 --> 00:07:40,199 Oh, you lost your boner?" 134 00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:43,159 This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice! 135 00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,170 This isn't a phone sex voice. 136 00:07:46,189 --> 00:07:48,129 No one's calling in to hear, 137 00:07:48,149 --> 00:07:51,060 "Where do you want to put your penis?" 138 00:07:53,029 --> 00:07:55,079 It's not a fun voice, I get it, 139 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,069 but it is the voice of someone that gets shit done. 140 00:07:58,090 --> 00:08:00,189 It's like, "Hey, I'm gonna keep talking 141 00:08:00,209 --> 00:08:03,069 unless you agree to this!" 142 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,000 We gotta focus, 'cause a lot of times 143 00:08:09,019 --> 00:08:11,079 I think people think we're moving forward, 144 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,040 like women are moving forward, we're making progress, 145 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,199 and I'm like, "Is that progress?" 146 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:19,120 Like, "Sports Illustrated" will put a plus-size model 147 00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:22,139 on their swimsuit issue, and a lot of women will be like, 148 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,029 "Bravo, 'Sports Illustrated.' 149 00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:28,040 You're so innovative." 150 00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:29,129 That's not innovative! 151 00:08:29,149 --> 00:08:30,230 They just finally realized 152 00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:34,029 that men will also masturbate to fat women. 153 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,059 You wanna be innovative? 154 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,059 Put a completely clothed woman in there 155 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,190 and just talk about her personality. 156 00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:45,100 Like, "This is Rhonda. She loves quilting. 157 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,019 Let's get into the detail." 158 00:08:49,039 --> 00:08:52,129 Even women would be like, "I don't wanna read that." 159 00:08:52,149 --> 00:08:56,070 Also you don't have to yell it. It's a magazine. 160 00:08:56,090 --> 00:08:58,039 ( chuckles ) 161 00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,179 And there's this whole wave of women right now, 162 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:02,179 that we're showing that we're confident 163 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,049 by posting naked or almost naked pictures online. 164 00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:09,200 Being like, "I don't care what you think about my body. 165 00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:13,139 I'm confident. Please like and subscribe." 166 00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:19,000 And it feels anti-feminist to be like, "Don't post that," 167 00:09:19,019 --> 00:09:22,169 but at the same time, I don't know what our goal is here. 168 00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:24,149 I don't know what we're working toward. 169 00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:28,090 Like, I think there's other ways to show that you're confident. 170 00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,049 Like, I don't think Ruth Bader Ginsburg's 171 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,039 ever been like, "I gotta get out of this robe 172 00:09:32,059 --> 00:09:35,190 and show people what I'm really about. 173 00:09:35,210 --> 00:09:39,149 Plus I know you're all dying to see this little bird body." 174 00:09:39,169 --> 00:09:41,149 ( laughter ) 175 00:09:44,009 --> 00:09:46,019 We want every woman to be confident 176 00:09:46,039 --> 00:09:47,179 and every woman to be beautiful. 177 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,159 We have to be beautiful. 178 00:09:49,179 --> 00:09:52,100 Like, Bruce Jenner turned into Caitlyn, 179 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,019 and immediately we were like, 180 00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:57,000 "She is so brave and beautiful." 181 00:09:57,019 --> 00:09:59,049 Okay, fine, I'll give you brave. 182 00:09:59,070 --> 00:10:01,039 ( laughter ) 183 00:10:03,149 --> 00:10:05,230 She wants to be who she is and she should be, 184 00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:11,059 but she should know who she is is an okay-looking older lady, 185 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,110 the kind of person that if you were in a room, 186 00:10:13,129 --> 00:10:16,190 you'd be like, "Oh, she could help me move." 187 00:10:16,210 --> 00:10:19,029 ( laughter ) 188 00:10:19,049 --> 00:10:20,210 But that's a great trait! 189 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:23,059 That's why we should respect people, 190 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,090 not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. 191 00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,169 What would you rather have, a pretty friend 192 00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:32,019 or a friend that can help you move? 193 00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,029 Always a friend that can help you move, 194 00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:36,190 because then maybe you're the pretty friend. 195 00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:45,019 We gotta stop, we gotta stop telling everyone they're beautiful. 196 00:10:45,039 --> 00:10:47,009 We need ugly people. 197 00:10:47,029 --> 00:10:49,120 Ugly people get shit done. 198 00:10:49,139 --> 00:10:52,059 There's no one in a lab trying to cure cancer 199 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,120 'cause he was just drowning in pussy. 200 00:10:55,139 --> 00:10:58,080 He's working very hard to cure cancer 201 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,220 so that later he can drown in pussy. 202 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,149 That's the American dream. 203 00:11:03,169 --> 00:11:06,070 If you want your children to be successful, 204 00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:09,179 tell them they're ugly, tell them every day. 205 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,120 And I know, parents, that's very hard 206 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,179 because you made a perfect angel, 207 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,019 but you look her in the face and you say, 208 00:11:17,039 --> 00:11:21,230 "You have a face that means you're gonna need to work hard." 209 00:11:22,009 --> 00:11:24,129 That kid will change the world 210 00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:26,190 or murder you. 211 00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:29,169 But that's a risk you should take for us. 212 00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:33,029 And I'm glad, I'm so glad we live in a world 213 00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:35,110 where people like Caitlyn Jenner can exist. 214 00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,059 I just wish we were saying 215 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,090 what we really wanted to say about it, 216 00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:42,139 which is I'm glad you get to be who you wanna be. 217 00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:45,210 We should all be who we wanna be. 218 00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:49,210 I still fucking hate your personality. 219 00:11:54,149 --> 00:11:56,110 Whether you're a man or a woman, Caitlyn, 220 00:11:56,129 --> 00:11:58,110 you still killed a lady with your car. 221 00:11:58,129 --> 00:12:02,110 Yeah. That lady's still dead. She can't come back as a man. 222 00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:04,179 ( laughter ) 223 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,029 And everyone's like, 224 00:12:06,049 --> 00:12:08,230 "She's so brave, she's such a hero." 225 00:12:09,009 --> 00:12:11,000 Well, if Bill Cosby turned into a lady, 226 00:12:11,019 --> 00:12:13,070 would we just forget about all the rapes, 227 00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:16,029 like, more than we already have? 228 00:12:16,049 --> 00:12:17,179 He's getting away with it. 229 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,029 The detective work on that has been lazier than his eye. 230 00:12:22,049 --> 00:12:24,220 Oh, come on, I think the least we can do at this point 231 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,169 is make fun of Bill Cosby's eye. 232 00:12:28,190 --> 00:12:30,120 ( applause ) 233 00:12:32,059 --> 00:12:34,120 For years, for years 234 00:12:34,139 --> 00:12:36,149 people were like, "Don't, he's a legend." 235 00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:38,190 His eye is, like, the only part of his body 236 00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:42,110 that was like, "I can't do this anymore. 237 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:45,039 I gotta look away." 238 00:12:45,059 --> 00:12:47,039 And he was like, "One Quaalude for you, 239 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:50,080 and one Quaalude for you. 240 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,210 Shh, go to sleep." 241 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,169 So much is happening! 242 00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:00,159 We're trying to figure out where trans people 243 00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:03,049 can go to the bathroom... 244 00:13:03,070 --> 00:13:05,120 Who saw that one coming? 245 00:13:05,139 --> 00:13:08,039 Probably trans people. 246 00:13:08,059 --> 00:13:09,190 And here's the thing. 247 00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:13,070 Most politicians are men, so men are making the laws, 248 00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:17,100 and they think that if trans women use women's bathrooms 249 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,100 that women will feel unsafe, 250 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,019 and I think that comes from a fundamental misunderstanding 251 00:13:23,039 --> 00:13:25,129 about what happens in a women's bathroom. 252 00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:26,220 ( laughter ) 253 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:32,129 And to be fair, we have made it very mysterious. 254 00:13:32,149 --> 00:13:34,179 We always go in groups, 255 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:38,090 there's a huge line outside, 256 00:13:38,110 --> 00:13:42,120 people go in, but they never come out... 257 00:13:42,139 --> 00:13:46,029 It's a whole Willy Wonka situation. 258 00:13:46,049 --> 00:13:48,080 When we finally do get back to the table, 259 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,019 we're all giggly, and you're like, "What happened?" 260 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:54,159 And we're like, "We can't say. 261 00:13:54,179 --> 00:13:57,100 But I have new hair now. 262 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,169 Also this is my new best friend Ashley. 263 00:13:59,190 --> 00:14:03,019 She's gonna live with us." 264 00:14:03,039 --> 00:14:06,019 Every woman has some sort of Ashley from the bathroom 265 00:14:06,039 --> 00:14:07,139 in their phone. 266 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:12,059 Men do, too, but for a very different reason. 267 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,110 So we've had-- we've made bathrooms very mysterious, 268 00:14:15,129 --> 00:14:18,080 but in reality, in a women's bathroom, 269 00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:21,049 at any point, if you see genitals, 270 00:14:21,070 --> 00:14:24,110 something has gone terribly wrong. 271 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:27,129 We're a very private people. 272 00:14:27,149 --> 00:14:29,149 No one's walking in the bathroom 273 00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:33,190 being like, "Labias out, ladies! 274 00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:36,120 Let's get to comparing. 275 00:14:36,139 --> 00:14:40,080 You're another redhead. I wanna see that." 276 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:41,200 No, we're private! 277 00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:44,029 We go in the bathroom, we go in the stall, 278 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,220 we lock the door, we pee, poop, or cry, 279 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,049 and then we leave. 280 00:14:49,070 --> 00:14:51,019 The only thing we're ever really worried about 281 00:14:51,039 --> 00:14:54,190 is "Do they know I'm the one that pooped?" 282 00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:59,190 I tried to cough a lot and only go when the hand dryer was on... 283 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:03,090 which is a crazy thing for women to worry about 284 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,100 in a women's bathroom. 285 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,100 Who are you trying to impress in there? 286 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,210 If anything, you should poop very loudly, 287 00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:14,039 'cause then if there's an attacker in there, 288 00:15:14,059 --> 00:15:16,149 he'll be like, "Well, not that one!" 289 00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:18,129 ( laughter ) 290 00:15:24,019 --> 00:15:27,049 "I'm evil, I'm not crazy." 291 00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:29,090 That's good self-defense in general. 292 00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:31,009 You have to walk home late at night, 293 00:15:31,029 --> 00:15:33,230 fart the whole way. 294 00:15:34,009 --> 00:15:37,000 Be your own rape whistle. 295 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:40,210 Like, "Not ( imitates fart ) to- ( imitates fart ) -day." 296 00:15:42,230 --> 00:15:46,120 That's a great strategy if you just accidentally fart in public. 297 00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:48,100 Like, you thought it was gonna be silent, 298 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,220 and then your body betrayed you, 299 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000 next time just be like, "Yeah, that was just a warning. 300 00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:57,230 I'm a very dangerous person. 301 00:15:58,009 --> 00:16:00,049 There's more where that came from. 302 00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:03,159 Now if you turn your attention back to this PowerPoint..." 303 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,139 ( laughter ) 304 00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:07,169 "...you'll see that third-quarter profits 305 00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:09,179 are on their way up." 306 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,169 Men, you wanna make bathrooms better for women? 307 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:18,129 Get those four-year-old little boys out of there! 308 00:16:18,149 --> 00:16:22,190 Always poking their creepy little heads under the stalls 309 00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:25,080 being like, "Are you my mom?" 310 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:28,059 "I told you, not anymore, Kevin!" 311 00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:33,000 And I don't know why men are so concerned 312 00:16:33,019 --> 00:16:34,200 about our bathrooms. 313 00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,090 I'm worried about your bathrooms. 314 00:16:37,110 --> 00:16:39,200 You don't lock yourselves in a stall. 315 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:44,080 You just stand up against a wall and watch each other pee. 316 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:48,139 You have your pants undone while you're looking at a wall. 317 00:16:48,159 --> 00:16:51,019 You are just ripe for the raping. 318 00:16:51,039 --> 00:16:53,070 ( laughter and applause ) 319 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,210 And you designed both bathrooms. 320 00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:04,039 You gave yourselves a shittier bathroom. 321 00:17:04,059 --> 00:17:08,099 Give yourselves enough stalls, sit while you pee, 322 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,089 rest those legs. 323 00:17:10,109 --> 00:17:13,180 You gotta be tired from stomping on us all day. 324 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,109 ( cheers and applause ) 325 00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:20,220 Seriously, I feel bad 326 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,119 that men don't get to sit while they pee. 327 00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:27,180 You have to walk in the bathroom knowing what your intention is. 328 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,109 You have to walk in the bathroom 329 00:17:29,130 --> 00:17:32,200 being like, "I'm going to poop now." 330 00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:36,039 Women, we get to be like, "Hey, I'm pooping now!" 331 00:17:36,059 --> 00:17:37,119 ( laughter ) 332 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,089 "This is a fun surprise afternoon poop." 333 00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:44,160 "This has turned my day around. 334 00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:48,059 I'm so glad I had that yogurt this morning. 335 00:17:48,079 --> 00:17:51,210 Thank you, Jamie Lee Curtis." 336 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:54,009 ( applause ) 337 00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:57,109 Stop it! Stop using "We're protecting women" 338 00:17:57,130 --> 00:17:59,180 as your excuse for getting things done. 339 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,180 It's bullshit and it's insulting. 340 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:06,109 I've never, ever been scared of trans people. 341 00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:09,160 The only people that have ever consistently scared me 342 00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:11,009 are straight men. 343 00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:13,170 You guys have a terrible track record. 344 00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:16,009 ( cheers and applause ) 345 00:18:18,099 --> 00:18:20,140 I like to think all those women clapping 346 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,049 are with a guy right now, 347 00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,109 and they're like, "I do?" 348 00:18:28,109 --> 00:18:32,230 No, you keep using like, "We gotta protect women from trans people." 349 00:18:33,009 --> 00:18:34,210 When gay people wanted to get married, 350 00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:37,000 you were like, "Well, we can't let that happen, 351 00:18:37,019 --> 00:18:40,119 because then they're gonna start fucking dogs." 352 00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:41,200 Yeah, you only ever said that 353 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:45,140 because you thought about fucking a dog. 354 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,170 You were like, "People want to fuck dogs," 355 00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:51,009 and gay people were like, "I mean, not us." 356 00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:54,230 And you were like, "Some people do! 357 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,160 Some people love a cute little puppy butt." 358 00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,140 ( laughter ) 359 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,220 ( barks ) 360 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,230 Stop it! Stop using "We're protecting women" as your excuse. 361 00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:08,039 I was on a date. 362 00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:10,000 A guy offered to walk me to my door. 363 00:19:10,019 --> 00:19:12,200 He was like, "I just want to make sure you get home safe." 364 00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,109 That's bullshit! 365 00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:17,009 That's not why you're walking me to my door. 366 00:19:17,029 --> 00:19:20,230 That's your last-ditch effort to touch a boob. 367 00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:22,079 At that point in the night, 368 00:19:22,099 --> 00:19:26,220 the most dangerous thing at my door is you! 369 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,160 And if a robber came by, 370 00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:30,150 I don't think you'd be able to do anything about it, 371 00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,029 'cause earlier that night at dinner, 372 00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:34,130 I learned you have a gluten allergy! 373 00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:36,019 ( laughter ) 374 00:19:36,039 --> 00:19:38,230 You can't protect me from a biscuit. 375 00:19:40,130 --> 00:19:43,039 Also, that's why you're not coming up. 376 00:19:43,059 --> 00:19:45,069 There's nothing less sexy than hearing a guy 377 00:19:45,089 --> 00:19:48,180 be like, "Well, I can't eat bread." 378 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:52,140 'Cause I'm gonna need you to be okay with yeast. 379 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,140 ( laughter and applause ) 380 00:19:58,029 --> 00:20:01,009 But did you get it? 381 00:20:01,029 --> 00:20:04,119 I just wanna make sure you got it. 382 00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:06,049 I'd hate for there to be someone in the back 383 00:20:06,069 --> 00:20:10,019 being like, "I didn't get the yeast part." 384 00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:13,059 Go home, call your mom. She'll tell you all about it. 385 00:20:15,009 --> 00:20:18,039 And there are so many big things happening right now. 386 00:20:18,059 --> 00:20:21,009 Like, the environment is in terrible shape, 387 00:20:21,029 --> 00:20:24,029 and most people pretend that they care about it. 388 00:20:24,049 --> 00:20:27,009 I don't believe anyone actually does. 389 00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:30,079 If anyone actually cared about the environment, 390 00:20:30,099 --> 00:20:33,220 there's no way fountains would still exist. 391 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:39,009 Fountains are a real big fuck-you to thirsty people. 392 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,230 Imagine bringing a little kid 393 00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:44,000 from a third-world country to see a fountain. 394 00:20:44,019 --> 00:20:46,180 He'd be like, "Look at all the water! 395 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,069 Can I have a sip?" 396 00:20:48,089 --> 00:20:49,140 And you'd have to be like, 397 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:53,190 "Oh, no, no! That's for decoration." 398 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:56,119 "Well, can I at least grab the money out of it?" 399 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,150 "No, those are wishes..." 400 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,089 "that were thrown there by people 401 00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:04,049 that can afford to throw money. 402 00:21:04,069 --> 00:21:06,039 And you know what they didn't wish for? 403 00:21:06,059 --> 00:21:08,099 Water. 404 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,190 Now, come on, I'm gonna show you a water park. 405 00:21:11,210 --> 00:21:14,130 That's where the water's for peeing in." 406 00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:19,210 But climate change, it is a real big deal, 407 00:21:19,230 --> 00:21:21,230 and everyone says, "Mother Nature." 408 00:21:22,009 --> 00:21:24,150 And I do believe nature is a woman, 409 00:21:24,170 --> 00:21:26,069 because she's trying to kill us 410 00:21:26,089 --> 00:21:30,019 in the most passive-aggressive way possible. 411 00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:34,009 It's not some sort of immediate fire or flood 412 00:21:34,029 --> 00:21:36,140 or a cool explosion. 413 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,019 She's just like, 414 00:21:38,039 --> 00:21:41,029 "What? I raised the temperature a little." 415 00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:44,099 ( laughter and applause ) 416 00:21:49,190 --> 00:21:53,079 "Oh, are you uncomfortable? 417 00:21:53,099 --> 00:21:54,210 Well, maybe I wouldn't have 418 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:59,029 if you'd taken out the recycling like I asked! 419 00:21:59,049 --> 00:22:00,220 I'm fine." 420 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,039 Nature is a woman, and she hates us women. 421 00:22:06,059 --> 00:22:07,079 She hates us! 422 00:22:07,099 --> 00:22:09,039 She gave us all the icky stuff. 423 00:22:09,059 --> 00:22:11,109 She's a mean girl. 424 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,230 We're the ones that bleed every month. 425 00:22:14,009 --> 00:22:17,140 She made orgasms impossible to find. 426 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:21,079 We're supposed to have the babies and then feed them? 427 00:22:21,099 --> 00:22:23,230 That seems like a thing you could've split up. 428 00:22:26,049 --> 00:22:29,069 There were two people involved in that! 429 00:22:29,089 --> 00:22:30,180 You got most of the way! 430 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,190 You gave men nipples! 431 00:22:33,210 --> 00:22:35,180 What happened? All of a sudden at the last second 432 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,059 you were just like, "You know what, 433 00:22:37,079 --> 00:22:39,130 we're gonna keep it over here with women. 434 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,190 But, men, hang on to those nipples. 435 00:22:41,210 --> 00:22:44,079 Do whatever you want with them." 436 00:22:44,099 --> 00:22:47,130 And we're the ones that have the babies, 437 00:22:47,150 --> 00:22:50,140 and she made the hole too small, 438 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,190 way too small. 439 00:22:52,210 --> 00:22:57,069 That's a real square-peg, round-hole situation. 440 00:22:57,089 --> 00:22:59,160 It's a design flaw. 441 00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:02,170 If every time an elevator went down a building 442 00:23:02,190 --> 00:23:05,009 it broke the building... 443 00:23:05,029 --> 00:23:06,140 ( laughter ) 444 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,230 ...you'd be like, "We should fix that." 445 00:23:11,009 --> 00:23:13,059 Every time I hear a woman talk about giving birth-- 446 00:23:13,079 --> 00:23:16,049 honestly talk about giving it, not the Facebook version 447 00:23:16,069 --> 00:23:20,180 of like, "This is magical and I'm blessed"-- 448 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,009 honestly talk about giving birth, 449 00:23:23,029 --> 00:23:25,180 it always feels like the beginning of an infomercial 450 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,019 where some guy's gonna pop out and be like, 451 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:33,230 "Are you tired of a hole ripping from your vagina to your butt? 452 00:23:34,009 --> 00:23:37,130 Is pooping on a table in front of strangers 453 00:23:37,150 --> 00:23:41,079 leaving you feeling embarrassed? 454 00:23:41,099 --> 00:23:45,049 Have you been pushing for 20 hours with no end in sight, 455 00:23:45,069 --> 00:23:49,130 thinking, 'There's gotta be a better way!' 456 00:23:49,150 --> 00:23:51,049 Well, there's not!" 457 00:23:51,069 --> 00:23:53,119 ( applause ) 458 00:24:00,150 --> 00:24:04,130 And that is why I don't recycle. 459 00:24:04,150 --> 00:24:07,150 'Cause if Mother Nature's not gonna take care of my house, 460 00:24:07,170 --> 00:24:10,009 I'm not gonna take care of her house! 461 00:24:10,029 --> 00:24:13,140 Also, recycling is very hard. 462 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,000 ( laughter ) 463 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:23,099 I do think, though, there's a really serious problem right now 464 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:25,059 that no one's talking about. 465 00:24:25,079 --> 00:24:29,049 I think right now it's a really hard time to be a man. 466 00:24:29,069 --> 00:24:31,150 You guys are struggling. 467 00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:35,049 You can't be the first to do anything anymore. 468 00:24:35,069 --> 00:24:37,170 You've done almost everything. 469 00:24:37,190 --> 00:24:41,029 It's almost like there's no reason for you to live. 470 00:24:41,049 --> 00:24:43,079 ( laughter ) 471 00:24:43,099 --> 00:24:45,000 It's a great time to be a woman. 472 00:24:45,019 --> 00:24:48,170 I mean, we're at rock bottom, but we can only go up. 473 00:24:48,190 --> 00:24:51,049 We'll still have the first female president, 474 00:24:51,069 --> 00:24:53,019 the first woman on the moon, 475 00:24:53,039 --> 00:24:56,170 the first woman to assassinate a president... 476 00:24:56,190 --> 00:25:00,000 ( laughter and applause ) 477 00:25:00,019 --> 00:25:03,069 It's exciting! It could be you! 478 00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:05,029 I think it would be very easy 479 00:25:05,049 --> 00:25:07,130 for a woman to assassinate a president. 480 00:25:07,150 --> 00:25:10,230 She just had to be beautiful and walk up and be like, 481 00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:14,019 "I just wanna talk to the president for a second." 482 00:25:14,039 --> 00:25:15,099 ( laughter ) 483 00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,059 "Please?" 484 00:25:18,079 --> 00:25:21,069 I'm posed like all my bones are broken. 485 00:25:21,089 --> 00:25:23,099 ( laughter ) 486 00:25:25,230 --> 00:25:28,049 We haven't had a female assassin 487 00:25:28,069 --> 00:25:30,150 because women are too nice. 488 00:25:30,170 --> 00:25:33,089 We've got close enough to kill the president, 489 00:25:33,109 --> 00:25:36,170 but instead we just end up having sex with him. 490 00:25:36,190 --> 00:25:40,059 That's a very nice thing that we do. 491 00:25:40,079 --> 00:25:44,059 In general, I don't think we're thanked enough for that. 492 00:25:44,079 --> 00:25:46,009 Think about it. 493 00:25:46,029 --> 00:25:49,210 Monica Lewinsky had the president's dick in her mouth. 494 00:25:49,230 --> 00:25:53,039 She could've assassinated him. 495 00:25:53,059 --> 00:25:56,230 She could've been selfish and gotten anything she wanted. 496 00:25:57,009 --> 00:25:59,000 If you don't think you can get anything you want 497 00:25:59,019 --> 00:26:01,150 when you just have a regular guy's dick in your mouth, 498 00:26:01,170 --> 00:26:04,230 next time bite down just a little 499 00:26:05,009 --> 00:26:07,019 and see if he isn't immediately like, 500 00:26:07,039 --> 00:26:10,119 "Yeah, fine, we can go on vacation with your sister! 501 00:26:10,140 --> 00:26:13,170 Just release, release!" 502 00:26:13,190 --> 00:26:16,130 Try it when you go home tonight. It'll be fun. 503 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:21,180 She had the leader of the free world's dick in her mouth. 504 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,140 She could've assassinated him, 505 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,000 she could've gotten anything she wanted, 506 00:26:26,019 --> 00:26:29,220 but instead she was a nice lady and she blew him, 507 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,119 and then we were mean to her 508 00:26:33,140 --> 00:26:37,009 for being a nice lady. 509 00:26:37,029 --> 00:26:39,009 I thought at least men would've stood up for her 510 00:26:39,029 --> 00:26:42,089 and been like, "Hey, that woman's a patriot!" 511 00:26:48,089 --> 00:26:50,079 But it's a good time to be a woman. 512 00:26:50,099 --> 00:26:52,210 We're on our way up. It's exciting for us. 513 00:26:52,230 --> 00:26:56,190 But, men, you're done! It's over! 514 00:26:56,210 --> 00:27:00,009 There's nothing new for you to do. 515 00:27:00,029 --> 00:27:02,069 You've been to the moon! 516 00:27:02,089 --> 00:27:05,119 You've been all the presidents! 517 00:27:05,140 --> 00:27:09,230 Even if you were like, "I'm gonna win an Olympic medal and then turn into a lady," 518 00:27:10,009 --> 00:27:11,200 you'd be the second! 519 00:27:11,220 --> 00:27:14,019 ( laughter and applause ) 520 00:27:17,019 --> 00:27:18,130 I feel bad for men. 521 00:27:18,150 --> 00:27:21,220 I think it's a really hard time to be a man right now. 522 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,180 You have a ton of erection medicine. 523 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,180 I hope everything's okay. 524 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,190 Seems like it might not be. 525 00:27:30,210 --> 00:27:33,049 And I'm glad you guys have erection medicine. 526 00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:34,210 I think that's great. 527 00:27:34,230 --> 00:27:37,140 A soft penis is very sad. 528 00:27:39,039 --> 00:27:42,150 A soft penis looks like the sound of sad. 529 00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:44,130 ( laughter ) 530 00:27:44,150 --> 00:27:47,190 You know, like, wow. 531 00:27:47,210 --> 00:27:51,079 If you showed a deaf kid a picture of a soft penis, 532 00:27:51,099 --> 00:27:55,019 he'd be like, "I know you're talking about sad. Thank you." 533 00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:57,099 That's actually how they taught Helen Keller. 534 00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:59,059 They just let her feel a soft penis, 535 00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:01,069 and she was like, "This means sad." 536 00:28:01,089 --> 00:28:02,160 ( laughter ) 537 00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:05,180 "Thank you for teaching me this new word." 538 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,180 It's the only way you could've done it. 539 00:28:12,170 --> 00:28:16,210 I actually think a soft penis feels very neat. 540 00:28:16,230 --> 00:28:20,109 Every woman in here, if you had a soft penis at your desk at work, 541 00:28:20,130 --> 00:28:23,190 you would play with it all day. 542 00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:25,089 It's soft and squishy. 543 00:28:25,109 --> 00:28:27,220 It's a stress reliever. 544 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,119 Sometimes I'll have a soft penis in my hand, and it'll get hard, 545 00:28:31,140 --> 00:28:34,109 and I'm like, "Hey, you're ruining my good time. 546 00:28:34,130 --> 00:28:36,210 This is less fun now." 547 00:28:36,230 --> 00:28:39,000 How I feel about soft penises 548 00:28:39,019 --> 00:28:41,109 is as close as I'll ever get to understanding 549 00:28:41,130 --> 00:28:43,170 about how men feel about boobs. 550 00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:46,000 'Cause those are also soft and squishy. 551 00:28:46,019 --> 00:28:49,009 I'm guessing that's part of their appeal. 552 00:28:49,029 --> 00:28:50,230 Now, imagine when you felt them, 553 00:28:51,009 --> 00:28:54,089 if all of a sudden they got rock hard. 554 00:28:54,109 --> 00:28:57,180 You'd be like, "These seem like weapons." 555 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,019 That's how we feel about your penis. 556 00:29:00,039 --> 00:29:01,130 But it's good. 557 00:29:01,150 --> 00:29:04,140 You guys got erection medicine, that's great. 558 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,160 No one should have a broken body part. 559 00:29:07,180 --> 00:29:10,029 But you make it hard for women to get birth control, 560 00:29:10,049 --> 00:29:11,150 and that's not fair. 561 00:29:11,170 --> 00:29:14,019 That's like saying, "Let's have a duel, 562 00:29:14,039 --> 00:29:16,210 but only one of us gets a gun, 563 00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:21,079 and on average that gun shoots 20 million bullets." 564 00:29:21,099 --> 00:29:24,019 And we're just asking for a shield, 565 00:29:24,039 --> 00:29:26,160 and you're like, "No." 566 00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:28,160 We don't even want another gun. 567 00:29:28,180 --> 00:29:30,150 We just want a shield. 568 00:29:30,170 --> 00:29:35,079 We're saying you can have all the players on both hockey teams. 569 00:29:35,099 --> 00:29:38,049 We just want one goalie. 570 00:29:38,069 --> 00:29:40,119 It doesn't even have to be your best goalie! 571 00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:42,190 We'll take your third-string goalie! 572 00:29:42,210 --> 00:29:45,039 You can give the Zamboni guy a stick. 573 00:29:45,059 --> 00:29:48,109 We just need someone to hit a couple pucks away! 574 00:29:48,130 --> 00:29:51,019 ( laughter and applause ) 575 00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:58,109 Even cars get windshield wipers. 576 00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:01,190 Come on, give us a chance! There's a downpour. 577 00:30:01,210 --> 00:30:03,180 ( laughter ) 578 00:30:05,079 --> 00:30:08,109 We should be constantly given birth control! 579 00:30:08,130 --> 00:30:09,170 It should be annoying. 580 00:30:09,190 --> 00:30:11,039 Like, when you leave a restaurant, 581 00:30:11,059 --> 00:30:13,180 instead of mints it should be birth control. 582 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,000 When you push a door instead of pull it, 583 00:30:16,019 --> 00:30:18,109 birth control should pop out. 584 00:30:18,130 --> 00:30:20,180 Like, "You're not ready yet." 585 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,160 ( laughter ) 586 00:30:22,180 --> 00:30:25,069 "Let's work on some other skills." 587 00:30:26,230 --> 00:30:28,130 It's a human! 588 00:30:28,150 --> 00:30:30,220 You'd be making a human! 589 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,119 It should be hard to make a human! 590 00:30:33,140 --> 00:30:36,039 It's hard to make a croissant. 591 00:30:36,059 --> 00:30:37,210 ( laughter ) 592 00:30:37,230 --> 00:30:40,180 It takes three days to make a croissant! 593 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,220 You can make a human in that bathroom. 594 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,089 You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom. 595 00:30:47,109 --> 00:30:51,200 Like, how many people here have successfully made a croissant? 596 00:30:51,220 --> 00:30:56,170 How many people here have accidentally made a human? 597 00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:58,170 And those two people are never the same, 598 00:30:58,190 --> 00:31:02,109 'cause croissant-makers are planners. 599 00:31:02,130 --> 00:31:04,220 And they're usually a little less fun. 600 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,170 Now, if when you had sex you accidentally made a croissant, 601 00:31:07,190 --> 00:31:09,099 that would be great. 602 00:31:09,119 --> 00:31:12,049 ( laughter and applause ) 603 00:31:12,069 --> 00:31:15,059 Finally, women would be like, "No, I'm paying for the drinks, 604 00:31:15,079 --> 00:31:17,190 and we're leaving now. 605 00:31:17,210 --> 00:31:20,170 Drink it up, little lady, we're going home! 606 00:31:20,190 --> 00:31:24,119 I'm hungry and I want a flaky snack!" 607 00:31:24,140 --> 00:31:26,029 Then finally men would be like, 608 00:31:26,049 --> 00:31:29,160 "I feel like you're just using me for the croissant. 609 00:31:29,180 --> 00:31:30,230 I mean, I don't care, 610 00:31:31,009 --> 00:31:32,210 I just want you to know how I feel." 611 00:31:32,230 --> 00:31:34,180 ( laughter ) 612 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,069 And if having sex with a black guy 613 00:31:36,089 --> 00:31:38,000 meant you got a chocolate croissant, 614 00:31:38,019 --> 00:31:40,200 that "never go back" thing would be 100% true. 615 00:31:40,220 --> 00:31:42,220 ( laughter and applause ) 616 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,220 Even white men would be like, "Go! 617 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,079 I get it! Go! 618 00:31:47,099 --> 00:31:51,109 You have to go! The croissants are better! 619 00:31:51,130 --> 00:31:53,039 And bring one home." 620 00:31:54,180 --> 00:31:55,220 It should be hard. 621 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,039 It should be hard to have a human. 622 00:31:58,059 --> 00:31:59,119 We have enough. 623 00:31:59,140 --> 00:32:01,230 We don't need as many as we used to. 624 00:32:02,009 --> 00:32:04,200 At this point, if you wanna have a baby, 625 00:32:04,220 --> 00:32:07,099 you should have to take a test or two. 626 00:32:07,119 --> 00:32:08,220 Something simple, 627 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,009 like, "Let me see your iPhone screen. 628 00:32:12,029 --> 00:32:14,009 Oh, it's cracked? Then no!" 629 00:32:14,029 --> 00:32:16,059 ( laughter and applause ) 630 00:32:18,140 --> 00:32:22,079 You can't carry a phone, you can't carry a baby. 631 00:32:22,099 --> 00:32:24,140 They're wigglier. 632 00:32:26,220 --> 00:32:29,009 I don't want to have a baby. 633 00:32:29,029 --> 00:32:30,190 This isn't an abortion joke. I'm not pregnant. 634 00:32:30,210 --> 00:32:33,039 I'm not like, "I don't want to have a baby, 635 00:32:33,059 --> 00:32:35,079 and I gotta get out of here!" 636 00:32:38,130 --> 00:32:40,109 I don't want to have a baby or a family. 637 00:32:40,130 --> 00:32:42,210 I want a career. That's what I want. 638 00:32:42,230 --> 00:32:45,049 And I know there's a lot of people out there that are like, 639 00:32:45,069 --> 00:32:48,079 "But, Michelle, you don't have to choose. 640 00:32:48,099 --> 00:32:51,089 You can have it all. 641 00:32:51,109 --> 00:32:53,210 Women can have it all." 642 00:32:53,230 --> 00:32:56,049 Yeah, stop saying that. 643 00:32:56,069 --> 00:32:58,079 You act like "all" is good. 644 00:32:58,099 --> 00:33:00,049 "All" does not mean good. 645 00:33:00,069 --> 00:33:02,099 You've never left an all-you-can-eat buffet 646 00:33:02,119 --> 00:33:05,009 and thought, "I feel really good about myself." 647 00:33:05,029 --> 00:33:07,009 ( laughter and applause ) 648 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,160 "Mm, that crab and pudding 649 00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:14,039 is sitting really well together. 650 00:33:14,059 --> 00:33:17,049 I sure am glad I went back for spare ribs." 651 00:33:20,210 --> 00:33:22,039 "All" is not good. 652 00:33:22,059 --> 00:33:24,130 And even if we do try to have it all, 653 00:33:24,150 --> 00:33:27,140 even if a woman out there definitely wants it all, 654 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,140 we've put up too many obstacles 655 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:31,150 in your way to make it possible. 656 00:33:31,170 --> 00:33:35,079 It's like, "Oh, congratulations, you're having a baby? 657 00:33:35,099 --> 00:33:37,000 Great. Couple things... 658 00:33:37,019 --> 00:33:39,019 We're gonna need you to get that car accident of a body 659 00:33:39,039 --> 00:33:41,140 back to work as soon as possible, because this is America 660 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,119 and we don't think you need time to recover. 661 00:33:43,140 --> 00:33:45,170 Also, you should breastfeed. It's what's best for the baby. 662 00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:47,089 But don't do it in public, you pig. 663 00:33:47,109 --> 00:33:49,019 Do it in the old janitor's closet underneath the bridge 664 00:33:49,039 --> 00:33:51,019 with the rest of the breastfeeding trolls. 665 00:33:51,039 --> 00:33:53,109 And don't ask to take time off from work when your kids are sick. 666 00:33:53,130 --> 00:33:54,170 We'll think you're not dedicated. 667 00:33:54,190 --> 00:33:56,150 Also, why are you such a bad mom? 668 00:33:56,170 --> 00:33:59,130 By the way, your salary is just enough to cover the cost of childcare. 669 00:33:59,150 --> 00:34:01,230 And we know you're exhausted and you don't really know who you are anymore, 670 00:34:02,009 --> 00:34:04,039 and you're trying to balance your old life and your new life, 671 00:34:04,059 --> 00:34:06,029 but, quick, go have sex with your husband! He's about to leave! 672 00:34:06,049 --> 00:34:07,150 He doesn't understand what you're going through! 673 00:34:07,170 --> 00:34:10,170 Quick, go now! And, sweetie, smile!" 674 00:34:10,190 --> 00:34:13,159 ( cheering and applause ) 675 00:34:25,210 --> 00:34:28,119 I don't want it. Men don't try to have it all. 676 00:34:28,139 --> 00:34:32,099 They're just like, "I got a job and a sandwich. I'm good. 677 00:34:32,119 --> 00:34:34,179 My wife says if I behave for another year, 678 00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:38,019 she'll give me a section of the garage where I can sit." 679 00:34:38,039 --> 00:34:39,230 ( laughter ) 680 00:34:42,039 --> 00:34:44,000 "I love sitting." 681 00:34:48,110 --> 00:34:49,170 I don't want to be a mom. 682 00:34:49,190 --> 00:34:52,030 I wouldn't mind being a dad. 683 00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:54,110 ( laughter and applause ) 684 00:34:56,019 --> 00:34:58,150 That seems like more fun, 685 00:34:58,170 --> 00:35:00,170 and there are great dads out there. 686 00:35:00,190 --> 00:35:03,010 There are very good dads out there, 687 00:35:03,030 --> 00:35:06,230 but a great dad is still just an okay mom. 688 00:35:07,010 --> 00:35:09,099 A fork is a shitty spoon. 689 00:35:13,039 --> 00:35:16,119 I know, I can't be a dad. It's very upsetting. 690 00:35:16,139 --> 00:35:20,000 I don't wanna be a mom, so I want a career. 691 00:35:20,019 --> 00:35:23,110 And I thought knowing what I wanted in life made me special, 692 00:35:23,130 --> 00:35:26,030 but it really just kind of makes me a waste. 693 00:35:26,050 --> 00:35:28,119 Like, having a baby is arguably 694 00:35:28,139 --> 00:35:31,090 the coolest thing your body can do. 695 00:35:31,110 --> 00:35:34,019 Like, I have a friend who has one arm, 696 00:35:34,039 --> 00:35:37,099 and then she just had a baby that had two arms. 697 00:35:37,119 --> 00:35:39,050 ( laughter ) 698 00:35:39,070 --> 00:35:43,079 You can make shit you don't even have! 699 00:35:43,099 --> 00:35:44,219 Also, how pissed did she have to be 700 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,230 when she saw that sonogram, like, "Two arms?! 701 00:35:48,010 --> 00:35:50,210 This is bullshit! 702 00:35:50,230 --> 00:35:54,010 I give this sonogram one thumbs down!" 703 00:35:56,019 --> 00:35:58,000 Imagine how frustrating it would be 704 00:35:58,019 --> 00:36:00,230 to be tying your shoe with one hand 705 00:36:01,010 --> 00:36:06,010 knowing you have two new hands growing inside of you 706 00:36:06,030 --> 00:36:08,199 that you're not allowed to keep! 707 00:36:08,219 --> 00:36:11,139 Two new hands that you will push out of your body 708 00:36:11,159 --> 00:36:14,059 that will walk away, wave good-bye, 709 00:36:14,079 --> 00:36:17,090 and never love you as much as they should. 710 00:36:19,230 --> 00:36:23,190 Not to mention you can grow a penis inside a vagina, 711 00:36:23,210 --> 00:36:27,030 like the world's most terrifying greenhouse! 712 00:36:28,210 --> 00:36:33,059 Find me a horror movie with a scarier plot! 713 00:36:33,079 --> 00:36:36,179 It is the coolest thing your body can do. 714 00:36:36,199 --> 00:36:38,219 Me not wanting to have a baby 715 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:40,190 is like a bird being like, 716 00:36:40,210 --> 00:36:42,159 "No, I'll walk." 717 00:36:44,219 --> 00:36:47,110 "Okay, but you're built to fly." 718 00:36:47,130 --> 00:36:49,130 "I know. I'm gonna walk. 719 00:36:49,150 --> 00:36:51,110 And believe me, these wings work. 720 00:36:51,130 --> 00:36:54,199 We've had to cancel a couple flights." 721 00:36:54,219 --> 00:36:56,190 That was the abortion joke. 722 00:36:56,210 --> 00:36:58,190 ( laughter and applause ) 723 00:37:03,219 --> 00:37:06,070 You have to have one. 724 00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:09,010 Joke or abortion. I don't know, take your pick. 725 00:37:11,119 --> 00:37:14,099 We care so much about how we look! 726 00:37:14,119 --> 00:37:18,059 Women, we put in so much effort into being beautiful. 727 00:37:18,079 --> 00:37:20,150 And I think we should be more like men 728 00:37:20,170 --> 00:37:22,159 'cause they don't really care about their bodies, 729 00:37:22,179 --> 00:37:24,070 and look at them! 730 00:37:24,090 --> 00:37:26,139 They're successful! 731 00:37:26,159 --> 00:37:28,230 They're presidents! They're CEOs! 732 00:37:29,010 --> 00:37:30,130 You never heard a CEO go, 733 00:37:30,150 --> 00:37:33,070 "I wanna get profits up and keep costs down 734 00:37:33,090 --> 00:37:35,099 and love me for me!" 735 00:37:37,050 --> 00:37:39,070 You know who should care about their bodies? 736 00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,019 Men! You have weird bodies, men! 737 00:37:42,039 --> 00:37:43,170 You're gross! 738 00:37:45,150 --> 00:37:48,090 Your balls are gross! 739 00:37:49,190 --> 00:37:51,059 I've never seen a guy and been like, 740 00:37:51,079 --> 00:37:53,000 "Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off 741 00:37:53,019 --> 00:37:57,059 and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs!" 742 00:37:57,079 --> 00:37:59,050 What is it? 743 00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:02,000 It's like a goblin's coin purse. 744 00:38:03,179 --> 00:38:05,139 It's like when you go to a haunted house 745 00:38:05,159 --> 00:38:07,030 and you stick your hand in a jar? 746 00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,230 You're like, "Please be grapes." 747 00:38:11,010 --> 00:38:14,119 Balls seem like a real God whoopsy. 748 00:38:14,139 --> 00:38:16,099 It's like when you're putting together furniture 749 00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:18,050 and you have a couple leftover pieces, 750 00:38:18,070 --> 00:38:21,170 and you're like, "Aah! Those were supposed to go somewhere. 751 00:38:21,190 --> 00:38:23,119 They look important. 752 00:38:23,139 --> 00:38:26,110 I guess I'll hang 'em from a satchel!" 753 00:38:27,199 --> 00:38:29,090 Even the name sounds like a mistake! 754 00:38:29,110 --> 00:38:30,199 Like, "What are you gonna call 'em?" 755 00:38:30,219 --> 00:38:33,210 ( gruffly ) "Scrotum!" "Okay, I'm sorry. 756 00:38:33,230 --> 00:38:36,070 I didn't realize it was a bad time. I'm so sorry." 757 00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:42,059 You are so lucky that we get our faces near them! 758 00:38:42,079 --> 00:38:44,110 If a woman puts your balls in her mouth, 759 00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:47,019 you should pay her a lot of money. 760 00:38:47,039 --> 00:38:49,119 And not like a prostitute kind of way. 761 00:38:49,139 --> 00:38:52,119 In like, "That was a very nice thing you just did, 762 00:38:52,139 --> 00:38:55,000 and I don't know how to say thank you. 763 00:38:55,019 --> 00:38:57,000 Here is some money." 764 00:38:58,159 --> 00:39:01,019 It's a selfless act! It's selfless! 765 00:39:01,039 --> 00:39:02,199 There's not a single woman in the world 766 00:39:02,219 --> 00:39:04,039 sitting around in her book club 767 00:39:04,059 --> 00:39:07,099 being like, "You know what gets me off? 768 00:39:07,119 --> 00:39:09,179 A lumpy skin sac hanging out my mouth." 769 00:39:12,150 --> 00:39:15,030 I don't know how we ever let you guys get away 770 00:39:15,050 --> 00:39:16,190 with calling our boobs saggy. 771 00:39:16,210 --> 00:39:18,210 Your balls are saggy! 772 00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:21,059 You wear a bra! 773 00:39:21,079 --> 00:39:22,139 And you make it fancy! 774 00:39:22,159 --> 00:39:24,170 You dress up for me! 775 00:39:24,190 --> 00:39:27,030 ( laughter and applause ) 776 00:39:32,110 --> 00:39:35,099 I get one wrinkle, my career is over. 777 00:39:35,119 --> 00:39:39,030 I have to put paint on my face to leave my home, 778 00:39:39,050 --> 00:39:40,199 and you guys get to walk around 779 00:39:40,219 --> 00:39:43,230 with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap. 780 00:39:44,010 --> 00:39:46,139 You should have to put makeup on them! 781 00:39:46,159 --> 00:39:50,159 Or, at the very least, googly eyes. 782 00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:52,179 I don't know if that would be better or worse, 783 00:39:52,199 --> 00:39:54,199 but it would be fun. 784 00:39:54,219 --> 00:39:59,019 "He's happy! He's sad! He lost his boner." 785 00:39:59,039 --> 00:40:01,139 A real Mr. Magoo. 786 00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:11,059 And the thing is, I think we should all be ashamed of our bodies, 787 00:40:11,079 --> 00:40:14,010 every single one of us! 788 00:40:14,030 --> 00:40:16,210 Like, that's why we wear clothes! 789 00:40:16,230 --> 00:40:19,099 That's why animals have fur! 790 00:40:19,119 --> 00:40:22,030 You ever seen a shaved cat? 791 00:40:22,050 --> 00:40:26,010 You look that cat in the eyes, and you're both ashamed. 792 00:40:26,030 --> 00:40:28,039 If you saw a turtle outside of its shell, 793 00:40:28,059 --> 00:40:31,079 you'd be like, "Get the fuck back inside your shell!" 794 00:40:31,099 --> 00:40:32,150 I don't care how confident you are 795 00:40:32,170 --> 00:40:35,150 in your weird, turtle-y body. 796 00:40:35,170 --> 00:40:39,150 Also, can we be sure that turtles have bodies? 797 00:40:39,170 --> 00:40:42,150 Is it just a head and feet? 798 00:40:42,170 --> 00:40:45,039 It seems like it might be a scheme. 799 00:40:46,210 --> 00:40:49,190 And I'm the worst, because I say we shouldn't care 800 00:40:49,210 --> 00:40:53,059 about how we look, but I work out all of the time. 801 00:40:53,079 --> 00:40:56,059 I run every day. I love running. 802 00:40:56,079 --> 00:40:59,190 I have no idea what I'm training for. 803 00:40:59,210 --> 00:41:03,019 'Cause I am not physically gaining any skills. 804 00:41:03,039 --> 00:41:06,000 Like, the only way working out is ever gonna help me in life 805 00:41:06,019 --> 00:41:09,050 is that at some point someone tries to rob or rape me 806 00:41:09,070 --> 00:41:11,159 by chasing me for three to five miles 807 00:41:11,179 --> 00:41:14,230 at a moderately slow pace. 808 00:41:15,010 --> 00:41:18,119 From the beginning, if some guy's like, 809 00:41:18,139 --> 00:41:22,030 "Watch out! I'm gonna rape you!" 810 00:41:22,050 --> 00:41:24,230 I'm like, "Nuh-uh, not unless you can keep this up 811 00:41:25,010 --> 00:41:27,119 for 30-ish minutes. 812 00:41:29,019 --> 00:41:30,119 Although, I'm gonna have to stop 813 00:41:30,139 --> 00:41:32,179 about a mile in to stretch my hamstring. 814 00:41:32,199 --> 00:41:34,139 Could you help me with that? No funny stuff! 815 00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:36,050 Could you help me with that?" 816 00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:41,130 Women, we spend so much time trying to be beautiful. 817 00:41:41,150 --> 00:41:43,139 We spend so much time 818 00:41:43,159 --> 00:41:47,019 when ugly things are constantly happening to us. 819 00:41:47,039 --> 00:41:50,170 Like, every month we get our period. 820 00:41:50,190 --> 00:41:55,059 I know... we're not supposed to talk about it. 821 00:41:55,079 --> 00:41:57,219 It's very nice that we don't talk about it. 822 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:01,030 It is the only time a human is bleeding 823 00:42:01,050 --> 00:42:04,090 and that's not what the conversation is about. 824 00:42:06,030 --> 00:42:09,010 Like, if Paul got his arm ripped off 825 00:42:09,030 --> 00:42:11,039 and it was shooting blood 826 00:42:11,059 --> 00:42:13,210 and he walked into the office... 827 00:42:13,230 --> 00:42:15,059 I should tell you, 828 00:42:15,079 --> 00:42:17,130 a couple of my guy friends have come up to me 829 00:42:17,150 --> 00:42:19,010 after the show and been like, 830 00:42:19,030 --> 00:42:22,090 "Hey, you shouldn't use arm-ripping-off as your example. 831 00:42:22,110 --> 00:42:24,000 It's too extreme." 832 00:42:24,019 --> 00:42:25,139 "Oh, is it?" 833 00:42:28,110 --> 00:42:30,190 One of them actually said, 834 00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:33,090 "You should use nosebleed instead." 835 00:42:33,110 --> 00:42:35,199 "Oh, you think it's like a nosebleed?" 836 00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:39,010 ( laughter and applause ) 837 00:42:44,190 --> 00:42:47,000 All this time, I could've just tipped my hips up 838 00:42:47,019 --> 00:42:48,210 and it would've gone away. 839 00:42:50,170 --> 00:42:53,079 I'm such a dumb lady! 840 00:42:55,039 --> 00:42:58,130 Both arms viciously torn from his body! 841 00:42:58,150 --> 00:43:00,159 ( laughter and applause ) 842 00:43:05,199 --> 00:43:08,190 It's torn from his body, he walks into the office, 843 00:43:08,210 --> 00:43:13,119 no one's gonna be like, "How are the expense reports coming, Paul?" 844 00:43:13,139 --> 00:43:15,179 And Paul wouldn't be expected to respond, 845 00:43:15,199 --> 00:43:18,030 "Great! And I feel fine. 846 00:43:18,050 --> 00:43:20,199 Just a normal day for me. 847 00:43:20,219 --> 00:43:24,019 Nothing weird happening here. 848 00:43:24,039 --> 00:43:26,019 I don't want to murder you." 849 00:43:26,039 --> 00:43:29,010 Paul wouldn't be sneaking off to a corner of his office 850 00:43:29,030 --> 00:43:31,170 to see if blood had gone through his bandage. 851 00:43:31,190 --> 00:43:33,099 That's happening at your work. 852 00:43:33,119 --> 00:43:35,030 Women are walking around being like, 853 00:43:35,050 --> 00:43:37,210 "Did I tie my shoe? Oh, I'm good, never mind." 854 00:43:37,230 --> 00:43:39,210 ( laughter and applause ) 855 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:43,219 And you poor, dumb men are like, 856 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,090 "She doesn't even have laces! 857 00:43:47,179 --> 00:43:50,030 Carol's having a weird day." 858 00:43:52,079 --> 00:43:55,159 The only thing you ever really ask about periods 859 00:43:55,179 --> 00:43:58,059 is "When is it gonna be over?" 860 00:43:58,079 --> 00:44:00,219 And we always give you the same answer. 861 00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:02,050 "Soon." 862 00:44:02,070 --> 00:44:05,110 'Cause we have no fucking clue. 863 00:44:05,130 --> 00:44:07,090 It could be over in 20 minutes, 864 00:44:07,110 --> 00:44:09,130 it could be over in ten days. 865 00:44:09,150 --> 00:44:11,000 It can be over in three days 866 00:44:11,019 --> 00:44:12,190 and then take a break for two days, 867 00:44:12,210 --> 00:44:15,110 and then come back for a day. 868 00:44:15,130 --> 00:44:18,119 It can be gone, and then we just put on clean underwear 869 00:44:18,139 --> 00:44:20,210 and it's like, "I smell white." 870 00:44:20,230 --> 00:44:24,030 ( laughter and applause ) 871 00:44:24,050 --> 00:44:26,039 A period's like an outdoor cat. 872 00:44:26,059 --> 00:44:30,000 You know it's coming back, but you have no idea when. 873 00:44:30,019 --> 00:44:33,010 And it's probably gonna have a mouse. 874 00:44:33,030 --> 00:44:35,230 I don't know what mouse is in that analogy, 875 00:44:36,010 --> 00:44:37,170 but it's gross. 876 00:44:39,159 --> 00:44:43,139 Every day, every day, at some point during your day, 877 00:44:43,159 --> 00:44:45,139 you talk to a woman who has her period 878 00:44:45,159 --> 00:44:48,050 and you don't know it because she says things to you 879 00:44:48,070 --> 00:44:51,139 like, "I'm good. How are you?" 880 00:44:51,159 --> 00:44:53,130 when all she wants to do 881 00:44:53,150 --> 00:44:56,019 is lay down on the ground and fart. 882 00:44:56,039 --> 00:44:57,190 ( laughter ) 883 00:44:57,210 --> 00:45:01,179 That's it, and like a fart you never even heard before. 884 00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,150 A fart that after you heard it, you'd be like, 885 00:45:03,170 --> 00:45:06,190 "I don't know who you are as a person." 886 00:45:06,210 --> 00:45:08,010 Like, men, if you don't know 887 00:45:08,030 --> 00:45:09,179 the kind of fart I'm talking about, 888 00:45:09,199 --> 00:45:13,110 it's the kind of fart you leave a party for. 889 00:45:13,130 --> 00:45:16,099 One where you're like, "Get your coat! We gotta go! 890 00:45:16,119 --> 00:45:17,219 No, it's not safe here anymore! 891 00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:21,150 Something might've happened! Get your coat!" 892 00:45:21,170 --> 00:45:23,119 Like, "But, honey, we're on a cruise ship." 893 00:45:23,139 --> 00:45:27,099 "It doesn't matter! We're going swimming!" 894 00:45:27,119 --> 00:45:29,000 That kind of fart. 895 00:45:29,019 --> 00:45:32,039 A lady fart. 896 00:45:32,059 --> 00:45:33,219 You know that picture of Marilyn Monroe 897 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,099 where her skirt's blowing up? 898 00:45:35,119 --> 00:45:36,179 Yeah, that wasn't an air grate. 899 00:45:36,199 --> 00:45:38,179 That was a period fart. 900 00:45:38,199 --> 00:45:40,150 Masturbate to that. 901 00:45:44,019 --> 00:45:47,090 You also say things like, "Why are you so emotional? 902 00:45:47,110 --> 00:45:49,099 Why are you so emotional?" 903 00:45:49,119 --> 00:45:51,059 Well, maybe it's the hormones, 904 00:45:51,079 --> 00:45:53,150 or maybe it's the fact that I haven't shit in a week 905 00:45:53,170 --> 00:45:58,090 and I got a turd the size of Danny DeVito inside of me. 906 00:45:58,110 --> 00:46:02,059 Just a real angry Danny DeVito who's like, 907 00:46:02,079 --> 00:46:05,000 "I'm not going anywhere! 908 00:46:05,019 --> 00:46:09,099 I was the star of 'Twins.'" 909 00:46:09,119 --> 00:46:12,000 That'll make anybody cry. 910 00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:13,199 I think if men got periods, 911 00:46:13,219 --> 00:46:16,010 we'd have a three-week work month. 912 00:46:16,030 --> 00:46:17,150 They'd be like, "Let's sync up. 913 00:46:17,170 --> 00:46:19,150 We gotta take a week." 914 00:46:19,170 --> 00:46:21,079 But I also think if men got periods, 915 00:46:21,099 --> 00:46:23,119 they would've figured out a better way to deal with it. 916 00:46:23,139 --> 00:46:26,070 They would've demanded a better way to deal with it. 917 00:46:26,090 --> 00:46:30,019 They'd be like, "All the money in science, we got a problem. 918 00:46:30,039 --> 00:46:33,190 Put down your cancer tubes. We got a problem. 919 00:46:33,210 --> 00:46:37,030 We'll save the children another day. 920 00:46:37,050 --> 00:46:39,099 Now bring the monkeys. 921 00:46:39,119 --> 00:46:40,190 The monkeys can help. 922 00:46:40,210 --> 00:46:43,130 It's all hands on deck over here." 923 00:46:43,150 --> 00:46:45,119 And those poor monkeys are like, 924 00:46:45,139 --> 00:46:48,150 "I have to get lipstick put on me. 925 00:46:49,230 --> 00:46:53,010 Every day I got to feel pretty. 926 00:46:53,030 --> 00:46:56,059 I don't want to work on periods." 927 00:46:57,170 --> 00:46:59,039 Women, it's our fault 928 00:46:59,059 --> 00:47:02,039 we're not further along in period technology. 929 00:47:02,059 --> 00:47:04,110 'Cause we're okay that our best solution 930 00:47:04,130 --> 00:47:07,039 is a rolled-up piece of cotton. 931 00:47:07,059 --> 00:47:09,039 We're okay that our best solution 932 00:47:09,059 --> 00:47:12,199 is a craft project from a special kid, 933 00:47:12,219 --> 00:47:16,190 one who was like, "I made you a Christmas ornament." 934 00:47:16,210 --> 00:47:19,159 The only advancement we've made 935 00:47:19,179 --> 00:47:21,199 is sometimes they're smaller. 936 00:47:21,219 --> 00:47:24,099 Because that was the problem. 937 00:47:24,119 --> 00:47:26,179 We were causing too much of a commotion 938 00:47:26,199 --> 00:47:30,000 carrying our bazookas to the bathroom. 939 00:47:31,170 --> 00:47:34,139 Women trade tampons stealthier 940 00:47:34,159 --> 00:47:37,119 than drug dealers trade heroin. 941 00:47:37,139 --> 00:47:40,099 ( laughter and applause ) 942 00:47:40,119 --> 00:47:42,090 I've given out four tampons 943 00:47:42,110 --> 00:47:44,230 since I've been onstage. 944 00:47:46,199 --> 00:47:49,159 If there was only women dealing drugs in "The Wire," 945 00:47:49,179 --> 00:47:51,219 no one would've gotten caught. 946 00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,170 Stringer Bell would still be alive. 947 00:47:54,190 --> 00:47:57,210 Stringer Bell is what I call taking out a tampon. 948 00:47:59,150 --> 00:48:01,019 Is that gross? 949 00:48:01,039 --> 00:48:03,030 'Cause a woman did it today and then shook your hand 950 00:48:03,050 --> 00:48:05,130 and said, "I'm good. How are you?" 951 00:48:05,150 --> 00:48:07,190 ( laughter and applause ) 952 00:48:14,050 --> 00:48:17,050 - I'm single. - ( laughter ) 953 00:48:19,090 --> 00:48:22,019 And I don't want to be in a relationship. 954 00:48:22,039 --> 00:48:23,210 I don't want to be in a relationship 955 00:48:23,230 --> 00:48:26,139 for the same reason I don't want a kid. 956 00:48:26,159 --> 00:48:28,099 I don't want anything in my life 957 00:48:28,119 --> 00:48:30,019 to be more important than me. 958 00:48:30,039 --> 00:48:32,090 And maybe that's selfish and mean, 959 00:48:32,110 --> 00:48:35,170 but the jig is up: I'm not a nice lady. 960 00:48:35,190 --> 00:48:38,079 ( laughter and applause ) 961 00:48:40,030 --> 00:48:42,019 And a lot of my friends, they'll say things like, 962 00:48:42,039 --> 00:48:44,150 "But aren't you scared of dying alone?" 963 00:48:44,170 --> 00:48:46,110 Is that why you got married? 964 00:48:46,130 --> 00:48:48,119 So you wouldn't die alone? 965 00:48:48,139 --> 00:48:51,030 So you'd have five minutes before you died 966 00:48:51,050 --> 00:48:53,199 where you're like, "Well, this isn't the worst. 967 00:48:53,219 --> 00:48:57,070 Those 40 miserable years were wor--" 968 00:48:57,090 --> 00:48:59,030 ( laughter ) 969 00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:02,110 He died. 970 00:49:02,130 --> 00:49:04,079 ( laughter ) 971 00:49:06,230 --> 00:49:09,000 I'm not scared of dying alone. 972 00:49:09,019 --> 00:49:12,190 I'm terrified of people seeing how I live. 973 00:49:14,019 --> 00:49:15,230 I live like a divorced dad 974 00:49:16,010 --> 00:49:19,079 who's not trying to get custody of his kids back. 975 00:49:21,099 --> 00:49:24,130 There's just hot sauce in the fridge. 976 00:49:24,150 --> 00:49:27,139 One side of my bed is covered in laundry. 977 00:49:27,159 --> 00:49:29,090 It's now in the shape of a person, 978 00:49:29,110 --> 00:49:31,050 and every morning when I wake up, 979 00:49:31,070 --> 00:49:34,099 I roll over and I'm like, "Today I'll try to be better." 980 00:49:38,150 --> 00:49:40,010 I don't want to be in a relationship. 981 00:49:40,030 --> 00:49:42,079 I don't even like dating. I don't. 982 00:49:42,099 --> 00:49:43,170 Sometimes I try to do it. 983 00:49:43,190 --> 00:49:45,210 Sometimes I try to be a nice, normal lady. 984 00:49:45,230 --> 00:49:47,110 I'll go out on a date. 985 00:49:47,130 --> 00:49:50,099 I went on a date with a personal trainer from my gym. 986 00:49:50,119 --> 00:49:51,179 I thought that'd be fun-- 987 00:49:51,199 --> 00:49:54,039 a big, strong guy who could pick you up 988 00:49:54,059 --> 00:49:57,010 and then set you down in a controlled manner. 989 00:49:59,219 --> 00:50:01,039 The date was not fun. 990 00:50:01,059 --> 00:50:03,050 All he talked about was exercise, 991 00:50:03,070 --> 00:50:05,059 and then finally in the restaurant we were in, 992 00:50:05,079 --> 00:50:07,179 that song "Empire State of Mind" came on. 993 00:50:07,199 --> 00:50:09,090 You guys know that song, right? 994 00:50:09,110 --> 00:50:11,110 ??New York, concrete jungle ?? 995 00:50:11,130 --> 00:50:12,150 ??Where dreams are... ?? 996 00:50:12,170 --> 00:50:15,099 He sang the whole song, 997 00:50:15,119 --> 00:50:19,059 both Jay-Z and Alicia's parts. 998 00:50:19,079 --> 00:50:21,139 This joke is three minutes long. 999 00:50:21,159 --> 00:50:24,099 That song is four and a half minutes long, 1000 00:50:24,119 --> 00:50:26,199 which means after this joke is over, 1001 00:50:26,219 --> 00:50:30,079 he'd still be singing for a minute and a half. 1002 00:50:30,099 --> 00:50:31,219 You know if someone sings at you 1003 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:33,090 for more than four minutes, 1004 00:50:33,110 --> 00:50:35,170 you're legally allowed to kill them? 1005 00:50:35,190 --> 00:50:38,130 ( laughter ) 1006 00:50:38,150 --> 00:50:40,019 So, finally, the bill comes. 1007 00:50:40,039 --> 00:50:41,130 It's $84. 1008 00:50:41,150 --> 00:50:44,119 He throws down 40 and he goes, "Is that enough?" 1009 00:50:44,139 --> 00:50:46,190 And, listen, I'm an independent woman, 1010 00:50:46,210 --> 00:50:50,079 I'll pay for half my meal, but that's not half. 1011 00:50:51,190 --> 00:50:54,030 So, I never really want to see this guy again, 1012 00:50:54,050 --> 00:50:55,159 but he keeps texting me. 1013 00:50:55,179 --> 00:50:58,110 And one day he just sent me a picture of his bed. 1014 00:50:58,130 --> 00:51:00,030 And I didn't know how to respond. 1015 00:51:00,050 --> 00:51:03,150 I was like, "Congratulations on making your bed?" 1016 00:51:03,170 --> 00:51:05,070 So, one of my friends goes, 1017 00:51:05,090 --> 00:51:08,050 "Just text him you're not interested." 1018 00:51:08,070 --> 00:51:09,159 And then my other friend goes, 1019 00:51:09,179 --> 00:51:12,019 "Text him the weirdest stuff possible. 1020 00:51:12,039 --> 00:51:13,150 Then he'll leave you alone." 1021 00:51:13,170 --> 00:51:16,019 I was like, "That's the one I'm gonna do." 1022 00:51:16,039 --> 00:51:18,079 And I'm gonna read them to you now. 1023 00:51:18,099 --> 00:51:21,030 ( laughter and applause ) 1024 00:51:23,119 --> 00:51:24,210 I took screenshots of them, 1025 00:51:24,230 --> 00:51:26,090 and I just have to scroll through 1026 00:51:26,110 --> 00:51:28,190 a ton of selfies to get there. 1027 00:51:28,210 --> 00:51:31,159 And I know a lot of people don't like selfies. 1028 00:51:31,179 --> 00:51:33,079 They think you shouldn't take them. 1029 00:51:33,099 --> 00:51:36,000 I think you should take them and you should post them, 1030 00:51:36,019 --> 00:51:40,170 but you should also post the number of times you tried taking the picture. 1031 00:51:40,190 --> 00:51:43,179 Like, "This is me looking cute 67." 1032 00:51:45,190 --> 00:51:49,070 Okay, can you just confirm that these are real text messages? 1033 00:51:49,090 --> 00:51:50,230 Yeah, those look pretty real. 1034 00:51:51,010 --> 00:51:53,099 All right, you heard it from that guy 1035 00:51:53,119 --> 00:51:55,070 with a puka-shell necklace. 1036 00:51:55,090 --> 00:51:58,030 ( laughter ) 1037 00:51:58,050 --> 00:52:01,190 I guess we'll have to trust him! 1038 00:52:01,210 --> 00:52:03,150 No one's ever said that about a guy 1039 00:52:03,170 --> 00:52:06,059 with a puka-shell necklace before. 1040 00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:08,210 They've been like, "I gotta cover this drink." 1041 00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,119 ( laughter and applause ) 1042 00:52:17,030 --> 00:52:18,210 He goes, "Hey, Michelle." 1043 00:52:18,230 --> 00:52:20,230 I go, "Hey, Wildcat." 1044 00:52:23,010 --> 00:52:26,000 That's a pretty strong start. 1045 00:52:26,019 --> 00:52:28,130 We've been on one date. 1046 00:52:28,150 --> 00:52:31,210 "Wildcat" is an aggressive nickname out of the gate. 1047 00:52:34,059 --> 00:52:36,139 "'Wildcat?' LOL. That's new. 1048 00:52:36,159 --> 00:52:39,159 Kinda like it. What made you choose that nickname?" 1049 00:52:39,179 --> 00:52:44,000 And I go, "Just something tick-tocking in my old noggin." 1050 00:52:44,019 --> 00:52:46,130 ( laughter ) 1051 00:52:46,150 --> 00:52:48,159 That should be it, right? 1052 00:52:48,179 --> 00:52:50,019 If someone texted you that, 1053 00:52:50,039 --> 00:52:51,179 you'd be like, "Oh, she's insane. 1054 00:52:51,199 --> 00:52:55,079 I have to never talk to her again." 1055 00:52:55,099 --> 00:52:57,159 But instead, he comes back with "Love it! 1056 00:52:57,179 --> 00:53:00,139 Keep it up. How was your day?" 1057 00:53:00,159 --> 00:53:03,170 And, honestly, I get a little excited at this point, 1058 00:53:03,190 --> 00:53:05,079 because he's still holding on, 1059 00:53:05,099 --> 00:53:06,179 and I know I can just shift it 1060 00:53:06,199 --> 00:53:08,210 into a higher gear to lose him. 1061 00:53:08,230 --> 00:53:11,150 I feel like I'm in a car chase, and all of a sudden I'm like, 1062 00:53:11,170 --> 00:53:15,210 "All right, buddy!" ( imitates engine revving ) 1063 00:53:15,230 --> 00:53:19,050 That's a pretty good car sound. 1064 00:53:19,070 --> 00:53:21,039 He goes, "How is your day?" 1065 00:53:21,059 --> 00:53:22,199 and I respond with, 1066 00:53:22,219 --> 00:53:25,179 "Still chipping away at the ham." 1067 00:53:25,199 --> 00:53:28,130 ( laughter ) 1068 00:53:28,150 --> 00:53:31,079 That's not a saying! 1069 00:53:31,099 --> 00:53:34,070 For that to be a saying, it means that at some point in time, 1070 00:53:34,090 --> 00:53:37,079 people spent their day chipping ham, 1071 00:53:37,099 --> 00:53:41,070 and it took so long, they'd have to send word to their loved ones, 1072 00:53:41,090 --> 00:53:42,190 "Honey, I'm sorry. 1073 00:53:42,210 --> 00:53:44,190 I can't come home for dinner tonight. 1074 00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:48,000 I'm still chipping away at the ham. 1075 00:53:48,019 --> 00:53:52,079 You know, at my job at the ham-chip factory." 1076 00:53:52,099 --> 00:53:56,139 Which does sound delicious. 1077 00:53:56,159 --> 00:54:00,019 And this is how I knew he was a formidable opponent. 1078 00:54:00,039 --> 00:54:01,150 He came back with, 1079 00:54:01,170 --> 00:54:05,059 "Shit, make sure you leave a slice for me, too!" 1080 00:54:05,079 --> 00:54:07,110 ( laughter ) 1081 00:54:07,130 --> 00:54:08,170 "And by the way, 1082 00:54:08,190 --> 00:54:12,000 I have the honey to go alongside the ham." 1083 00:54:13,099 --> 00:54:15,210 Gross! 1084 00:54:15,230 --> 00:54:19,000 What's the honey? I don't want the honey! 1085 00:54:19,019 --> 00:54:21,010 Take the honey away! 1086 00:54:21,030 --> 00:54:22,199 If the honey's what I think it is, 1087 00:54:22,219 --> 00:54:25,219 no woman has ever wanted the honey. 1088 00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,070 Sometimes we take the honey to be nice, 1089 00:54:28,090 --> 00:54:31,090 but, honestly, it's an inconvenience. 1090 00:54:31,110 --> 00:54:32,190 Most of the time we're like, 1091 00:54:32,210 --> 00:54:35,179 "Hey, wipe this up. I'm getting sticky!" 1092 00:54:38,119 --> 00:54:41,110 So, I don't respond. I need time. 1093 00:54:41,130 --> 00:54:43,159 I need to regroup. 1094 00:54:43,179 --> 00:54:45,159 I need to train. 1095 00:54:45,179 --> 00:54:48,110 Normally when I'm this stressed out, I go to the gym, 1096 00:54:48,130 --> 00:54:50,010 but I can't do that. 1097 00:54:51,170 --> 00:54:53,110 Couple of days later he texts me, 1098 00:54:53,130 --> 00:54:55,119 "Hi, Wolfgang. LOL." 1099 00:54:55,139 --> 00:54:58,170 And I 100% believe he LOL'd at that. 1100 00:54:58,190 --> 00:55:01,050 ( laughter ) 1101 00:55:01,070 --> 00:55:03,039 He was like, "She gave me a nickname. 1102 00:55:03,059 --> 00:55:05,050 I'm gonna give her a nickname. 1103 00:55:05,070 --> 00:55:08,170 Wolfgang! Ha-ha! 1104 00:55:08,190 --> 00:55:10,130 I am the best." 1105 00:55:12,010 --> 00:55:13,179 "Hi, Wolfgang. LOL. 1106 00:55:13,199 --> 00:55:15,230 I was wondering if you'd accompany me Friday night. 1107 00:55:16,010 --> 00:55:19,050 I'm taking some of my clients out for their birthday." 1108 00:55:19,070 --> 00:55:22,139 And I responded with, "No dice, Squirrel Man! 1109 00:55:22,159 --> 00:55:25,030 Got plans on plans on waffles." 1110 00:55:25,050 --> 00:55:27,039 ( laughing ) 1111 00:55:27,059 --> 00:55:30,159 That is some of the best work I've ever done. 1112 00:55:32,130 --> 00:55:34,039 I'm pretty sure Squirrel Man 1113 00:55:34,059 --> 00:55:38,139 is a huge downgrade from Wildcat. 1114 00:55:38,159 --> 00:55:41,010 If someone started calling me Wildcat 1115 00:55:41,030 --> 00:55:44,000 and then switched to Squirrel Man, 1116 00:55:44,019 --> 00:55:48,070 I'd be like, "Oh, my God, what did I do?" 1117 00:55:48,090 --> 00:55:52,099 And I don't know what "plans on plans on waffles" means, 1118 00:55:52,119 --> 00:55:56,019 but it's too much before breakfast. 1119 00:55:56,039 --> 00:55:59,010 And this bitch comes back with 1120 00:55:59,030 --> 00:56:02,079 "Oh, cool, make sure you don't forget the syrup." 1121 00:56:02,099 --> 00:56:04,139 ( laughter ) 1122 00:56:04,159 --> 00:56:06,170 And I don't know what to do at this point, 1123 00:56:06,190 --> 00:56:10,230 because I'm pretty sure he's falling in love with me, 1124 00:56:11,010 --> 00:56:14,210 and I think maybe I'm falling in love with him. 1125 00:56:14,230 --> 00:56:17,210 So I text him "I love you," 1126 00:56:17,230 --> 00:56:20,110 and then I never heard from him again. 1127 00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:22,130 ( laughter and applause ) 1128 00:56:22,150 --> 00:56:24,110 Thanks a lot, guys! You've been great! 1129 00:56:24,130 --> 00:56:25,219 I'm Michelle Wolf! 1130 00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:29,219 ??She was an American girl ?? 1131 00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:33,179 ??Raised on the promises ?? 1132 00:56:33,199 --> 00:56:36,210 ??She couldn't help thinking that there ?? 1133 00:56:36,230 --> 00:56:39,090 ??Was a little more to life ?? 1134 00:56:39,110 --> 00:56:41,170 ??Somewhere else ?? 1135 00:56:41,190 --> 00:56:45,199 ??After all, it was a great big world ?? 1136 00:56:45,219 --> 00:56:49,210 ??With lots of places to run to ?? 1137 00:56:49,230 --> 00:56:52,190 ??Yeah, and if she had to die ?? 1138 00:56:52,210 --> 00:56:56,039 ??Tryin' she had one little promise ?? 1139 00:56:56,059 --> 00:56:59,079 ??She was gonna keep ?? 1140 00:56:59,099 --> 00:57:01,090 ??Oh, yeah ?? 1141 00:57:01,110 --> 00:57:03,039 ??All right ?? 1142 00:57:03,059 --> 00:57:05,059 ??Take it easy, baby ?? 1143 00:57:05,079 --> 00:57:07,150 - ??Make it last all night ??- ??Make it last all night ?? 1144 00:57:07,170 --> 00:57:12,000 ??She was an American girl. ?? 82272

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