Original subtitles

? Who's the improbable duo That you heard about? ?

? Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal ?

? Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent? ?

? Who's still standing? ?

? When you see The dust settle? ?

? It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster ?

? Hamster and Gretel ?

? If they can't do it Then nobody can ?

? Hamster, Hamster, Hamster ?

? Hamster and Gretel ?

? There's also Kevin In the minivan ?

Tonight, "Is your pillow trying to kill you?"

That and other questions

designed to add fear and anxiety to your life

on Action News at 11:00.

This is Veronica Hill reporting back to you.

That was so cool.

I had no idea my pillow was trying to kill me.

Is it?

Nothing's libelous if said in the form of a question.

You girls can quote me on that

in your little career day notebooks.

We really lucked out getting to shadow, you.

We almost got stuck at Frank's Fish Guttery.

? Frank's Fish Guttery ?

? We hope they don't Have feelings ?

I covered a story at Frank's Fish Guttery once.

An employee embezzled money

and left poor Frank on the hook for it.

Puns are a necessary part of TV journalism.

Yes, write that down.

(BLOWS) Don't take this the wrong way,

but you look like something the dog

changed his mind about eating.

(BLOWS) Well, no offense,

but your hair looks like a kid who drives a minivan

and can't get a date.

I think we do need professional help.

(BLOWS) Therapy? (BLOWS) Haircuts.

(BOTH BLOWING)

Have you always wanted to be a TV news reporter, Ms. Hill?

As far back as I can remember.

WOMAN: This is a lamby.

Can you say, baa.

Baa!

Take you in the studio.

VERONICA: And you came on the perfect day.

I'm being promoted from underappreciated field reporter

to lead serious correspondent.

A lead serious correspondent does sit down interviews with the big bananas.

Tonight, on Action News,

Veronica Hill goes from pillows to policy.

Nice one, kid.

Keep that up and you could be on TV.

Ooh, are you going to interview any big bananas today?

You bet.

Our very own Mayor, merry Meyer.

Miss Hill, corporate would like to speak to you in the conference room.

Ooh, Corporate.

They only ever have good news.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (BELL CHIMES)

Yeah. Not so keen on this anymore.

French decor makes me squeamish.

(SHUSHES) Dogs don't talk.

Welcome to my salon,

where we pamper people and their pups.

I am Jacques Cassoulet.

Hi, um, I made an appointment for myself and my, uh...

A teacup Bichon Frise.

Right. Right, one of those.

He is gorgeous.

Such a rare breed.

Come, I shall work on this little one myself.

I, I just want a trim and...

There is no such thing as a little trim.

Oh. So, what do I want?

A French mullet,

and a pixie pompadour for the Bichon.

I'm so excited to be here,

and very happy that the girls I'm mentoring today,

will get to witness this great moment

in the history of the network.

No need to sit, Veronica. We just wanted to tell you

there's been a small change of plans.

We're hiring someone else to be lead serious correspondent.

He'll be interviewing Mayor Meyer today.

Oh, and here he comes now.

Harrison Philtrum is the name,

hard news is my game.

Who writes this stuff?

I do. (ALL LAUGHING)

Great to meet you, Vicki.

Loved your puff piece on dryer lint.

Hello, random children.

Hey, have we ever met before?

Oh, you've probably seen my mug on TV.

Speaking of, gotta prep for my big sit down with Mayor Meyer.

Ta-ta. (ALL CHEERING)

Tall and handsome.

One more thing, Veronica,

we've assigned you a fab field piece today

on Tum Tum the koala who can make exact change.

You're gonna crush it.

Mayor Meyer, if I may be blunt,

serious and hard hitting,

what is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Great question, Harrison,

but I'm not sure how to answer that.

Oh, no need. As long as my question was great.

I'm getting a hero hunch.

I just know I've seen him somewhere before.

I have to excuse myself now

and go scream into my stuffed bear.

(SCREAMING)

You hanging in there?

Oh, I'm fine. (LAUGHS)

I've screamed into Bearbra Walters

since I was a little girl.

It's the only thing that really helps when things get tough.

Unfortunately, it's time for me

to throw in the old news towel and find another job. (GASPS)

Sorry for messing up your career day.

But you can't quit. She's right.

This is just a setback.

And what do we do when there's a setback?

Get back up. Get back up.

Oh, you girls are so thoughtful,

but I've already lost this battle.

And if I resign now,

I can get back to my family's dirt farm,

just in time for dirt season.

Uh... I am thrilled

with the French mullet. What do you think?

Uh... I do not care.

But I am not happy with the pomp on the pup.

I'll need to correct him in my patented prim-o-matic.

Our design system makes the almost perfect, perfect.

As long as you do not turn it up past the red line.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BARKING) Yeah, I don't know

if he needs... Oh, he needs it.

Best sit down I've ever seen.

Do me a favor and don't run for mayor.

Funny you should mention that,

it's been on my bucket list for a while.

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Time to get this over with.

Excellent work, Philtrum.

You've got some real sit down chops.

Well, thanks, Vicki. Keep up that attitude

and they'll promote you to weather.

(LAUGHS)

I know I've seen that guy before.

Harrison Philtrum.

Harrison Philtrum.

You know, the philtrum is those two lines on your upper lip.

Harry Philtrum, like a mustache.

(GASPS) It's him.

Who's him?

In light of all that's happened,

I'd like to submit my... So we meet again.

Excuse me?

Don't play dumb, Harrison Philtrum.

Harry Philtrum.

My Hero hunches are never wrong.

Hey... Ow! What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. Please stop.

Mustache punch!

(GROANS)

If you want to play dirty,

then dirty we shall play.

You won't get the better of me this time.

ALL: Huh.

They call me Van Dyke.

? Van Dyke Mind controlling facial hair ?

VAN DYKE: (EVIL LAUGH)

(SIGHS) Am I still pretty?

Carl, get over here with the camera

and my microphone.

This is Veronica Hill,

reporting live from the WHOA studios

where superhero Gretel is fighting a, uh...

I'm not sure what it is.

It's a mustache.

An evil mind-controlling sentient mustache

that used to be a half-bearded goatee.

A Van Dyke.

Right. Named Van Dyke.

Now if y'all excuse me,

I'm gonna go bash some stache.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

? We get to bash the stache ?

? You know This isn't a re-hash ?

? 'Cause when we Did it before ?

? You know He had a goatee ?

? Fighting a beard Was weird ?

? But now he's reappeared ?

? He's only half the villain That he used to be ?

? I know we did this Once before ?

? And we didn't think ?

? That we would have to Do it anymore ?

? We're fighting facial hair ?

? We're fighting Facial hair again ?

? And now He's just a mustache ?

? If we want to be precise ?

If I had a nickel for every time

I fought facial hair, I'd have two nickels.

? Which isn't a lot ?

? But it's really happened twice ?

? It isn't a lot ?

? But it's really happened twice ?

Ah.

You and your furry friend did this to me.

Get off Mayor Meyer.

Wait! Don't punch him!

I have a few hard-hitting questions

for this hair suit heretic.

Van Dyke, why are you doing this?

And more importantly,

why do you want my job so much?

It's complicated. I've got all day.

Maybe we should... sit down.

It's gonna be a sit-down.

Somebody grab some chairs.

I was once a mild mannered scientist,

until I accidentally turned myself

into sentient facial hair.

Then I was defeated by Hamster and Gretel,

and a lawn mower.

Once I pulled myself back together into a mustache,

I went searching for a really good-looking host.

Ooh, a birdie.

I knew with my brain and an underpants model's looks,

I could get a job in television.

Is it safe to assume that your evil plan all along

was to get close to Mayor Meyer,

take over his body, then the city,

then the world? How did you know that?

Because I'm good at my job.

The job you took away from me.

(ALL CHEERING) Hear, hear.

Great interview. Time for jail.

As you can see,

the evil mustache has control of the mayor,

while superhero Gretel does her best

not to hurt the wrong man.

So, how long is it...

Uh... Gretel. We gotta go.

I need my dog! Get him out of there!

I can't. It's mid-cycle.

He's fine. I do not care.

But I'll bring it back later.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL GRUNTING)

(BOTH GASPING)

(SCREAMS)

You look great.

(EVIL LAUGH)

I'm real sorry about this, Gretel.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Okay, this is getting tiresome.

Gretel. Kevin!

Where's Hamster?

Mustache, step away from the girls.

Hamster! I'm so glad you're... A poodle?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

They need a distraction.

(GASPS) Van Dyke, viewers are saying

that your plan for world domination

is lame and overdone. Any comment?

Wow. I have feelings, you know,

Hamster!

(GROANING)

HAMSTER: Kevin.

No! Crank it up

past the red line.

(MACHINE WHIRS)

VAN DYKE: (SCREAMS)

Hm. Could somebody please get me a tiny barrel?

Way ahead of you.

Oh, this is worse than the lawn mower.

All this dog hair in here.

Ah. Who invented this machine?

(THUDS) For what purpose?

(ALL CHEERING)

And there you have it.

The age old story of evil sentient facial hair

being taken down by pint-sized superheroes.

This is Veronica Hill reporting for the last time.

Peace out. (MIC THUDS)

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: That was magic.

From this point on,

you will be our lead serious correspondent

and do all the sit-downs with the big bananas.

But... I just quit.

Well, I just rehired you and doubled your salary.

What do you say?

What do I say?

I say...

And that's the story of Tum Tum the koala

who can make exact change.

This is Veronica Hill,

your lead, hard-hitting serious puff piece correspondent,

reporting...

ALL: Back to you in the studio.

Hey, you're five cents short.

(KOALA BELLOWS) (SCREAMS)

You're getting all this, right, girl?

(SCREAMS)

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