Original subtitles

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[air whips]

[whimsical music plays]

Whoa! Got a couple bogies on my tail!

-I'm gonna get you! -Gonna tear you up good!

Oh, no! He's still back there!

[Rottweilers growl]

I'm gonna die!

-[whimpers] -[panting]

-He's fast! -I mean, can't we all just get along?

[laughs] Suckers.

-He's over there. -Get him!

Thor: No one makes a fool of Thor and Damien

and lives! Yeah!

Damien: Yeah.

[circus music plays]

[clown chuckling]

Whoa.

[panting]

Wha-- Oh, uh-oh.

[chuckling]

Whoa, too fast, down shift, down shift.

Damien: Oh, hey! Slow down, you!

-Chihuahua: Oh. -Child: Hey, check it out!

-Hey, kids, how's it going? -Kids: Whoa!

-Kids: Whoa! Hey! -Thor: Hey!

-Chihuahua: Whoa. -Look at 'em go!

-Thor: Hey, wait up! -Chihuahua: Whoa!

-[kids giggle] - [puppy chuckles]

[kids shouting]

Alley-oop!

Carrot cake, my favorite!

Chihuahua: Whoa!

[laughing]

[gasps]

[groans]

[laughing]

[growling]

Thor: Ooh, I heard clowns taste like chicken!

-Get him! -[clown gasps]

-[shoes squeaking] -[panting]

Whoo! Hello?

-Huh? -[kids chatter]

-[squeaking] -You better run, clowny.

[growling]

Hey, fellas, where're you going?

[shoes squeaking]

[snarling]

-[barking] -[screams]

[laughs] Hey, you clowns, over here.

-[barks] -Hey, there goes our lunch.

-Damien: Oh yeah, hurry up.

He's getting away, man.

[mimics airplane]

-Whoa! -Got ya!

Thor: Let me out of here!

Damien: Oh, it's muy, muy, muy mal.

[Chihuahua barks]

[barking]

Hey, little doggie, good boy.

-[barking] -Come on, little doggie.

-Atta' boy, just stay still. -[growling]

-Come here, doggie. -Okay.

[screams]

[muffled] Make a run for it, fellas!

Thor: Thanks, pal, we owe you one.

-[dogcatcher screams] -Don't mention it.

I'll just hang out back here.

[screaming]

-[door creaks closed] -[keys jingle]

[lock clanking echoes]

Male Basset: Somebody get me...

-out... of here! -Prim Female: What is that terrible smell?

-Darling, do something. -Prim Male: I demand to see a lawyer.

-Really! -Male Dog: Hey, when do we eat, huh?

I'm starving. Throw me a bone or something, huh?

Hey, hey, I'm innocent, I tell ya'. I'm innocent.

It was all a big mistake. It was just a nip.

I never even broke the skin.

Okay, now look, if we use the air vent,

we can be out of here before sunrise.

[sighs]

Well, ol' boy,

you really done it to yourself this time--

the slammer.

It's one thing to break out of a backyard,

but this--

I should have stayed with that last kid.

Having cans tied to my tail

doesn't seem so bad now.

-[sighs] -[door opens]

[woman through P.A.] Please bring the papers up on the schnauzer mix.

Hello! Anybody home?

[over P.A.] We need a clean-up in kennel eight.

[sighs]

[bell rings]

Hi.

-May I help you? -Hm-hmm.

-Psst, hey you! -Who, me?

Yeah, listen, I'm gonna break out of here.

-Break out of here! -Yeah, just listen, listen.

Okay, we're gonna get out of here tonight.

We're leaving. [snickers]

Chihuahua: You mean you want to take me with you?

Mutt: Look, will you just-- Will you just--

Stop looking at me, will you? They're gonna get suspicious.

I'm not looking at you. I'm not.

Mutt: Don't be so obvious. You understand?

-[whistles] -Chihuahua: Okay.

Mutt: Someone's coming. Someone's coming.

Now here is a nice friend.

-She's very gentle. -Oh, no, no, no.

This won't do. I'm looking for a small kitty.

Oh, I thought you wanted a dog.

Basset: Meow.

Chihuahua: Uh-oh. It's diaper man.

-[mutt laughs] -Basset: Spare the diaper.

Dogcatcher: Remember me?

Don't I get a last request or something?

- Uh ... -Dead dog walking.

This is getting kind of serious.

-[Dogcatcher laughs] -Mutt: So long, pal.

You can have my collar. I won't be needing it.

And you, you can have my fleas.

Golden Retriever: [laughs] Oh, thanks.

Hey, Max, I got about a dozen bones

buried under the old oak tree in the park.

They're all yours.

Well, so long, fellas.

-Here we go. - Huh?

-This is more like it. -But you said you wanted--

I know what I said. I want this one.

Oh, boy! A grandmother!

I finally get to snuggle up on a crocheted mat

in front of a fireplace.

-Male Dog: What a lucky dog. -Deal's off, guys!

Stay away from my stuff or I'll kill you.

-Grr, grr. -You'll like him.

-He's sweet. - Ciao, diaper boy.

No, he's not for me. I'm getting him for my granddaughter.

What? A kid?

Oh, put me back. Please, please put me back!

Hmm, kind of a strange-looking kitty.

Help! Help! Please!

-[engine revs] -[tires squeal]

Man: Hey, slow down!

[man mutters]

Hey, how fast you going?

No peeking, kitty.

You're supposed to be a surprise for Hayley.

I'll be mincemeat surprise if you don't slow down.

[sighs]

Hi, my name's Stephen. What's yours?

What's that? "The Scarlet Pimpernel"?

What's it about?

Sounds cool.

You're new, huh?

Everyone at school thinks you're stuck up,

but I don't. I think you're nice.

Bye.

[car honks]

Hi, Hayley.

[tires screech]

[people muttering]

Uh-oh, we got company.

- Ow! Ow! -Sorry, kitty.

-[huffs] -[crowd clamoring]

Man: Ms. Jeffries, Ms. Jeffries, Ms. Jeffries, over here.

Can I ask you a quick question, please?

[overlapping speech]

I have no comment.

[clamoring]

I have no comment. Leave me alone.

Are you hounded by the IRS?

Are you going to give in to the harassment by the IRS, Mrs. Jeffries?

I am not. I have no comment.

I have nothing to say to you.

Please, leave me and get off my property.

Reporter: The money is the important part

and the viewers need to know what's gong on here.

[clamoring continues]

[television turns on]

This is KPJK coming to you live from the Jeffries mansion

where Ethel Jeffries,

the owner of a chain of bakeries...

Cameraman: Hey, there's someone in there!

-Man: Oh, yeah? -Hey, little girl!

-Come here! Come here! -No, don't shut the window.

Don't shut it!

The IRS has no idea exactly how much those profits are.

The IRS has asked Mrs. Jeffries if they could search her house

to verify the amounts of profits she claimed,

but she has denied their request.

Woman: Please tell us what's going on!

-Mrs. Jeffries! -If you could--

Mrs. Jeffries, good afternoon.

I'm Special Agent Bruce Mechanic.

This is Special Agent Ellen Meiser.

We're from the Fresno office of the IRS.

I've already told you my money stays where it is.

Now get off my property.

The old lady's loaded?

* Dreams do come true

[laughing] I'm rich!

-Whoohoo! -[gun clicks]

It's a giant rat! Giant rat!

-What? -Put the gun away, Agent Meiser.

Remember, we're from the new, kinder, gentler

Internal Revenue Service.

That's right. I forgot.

Mechanic: Oh, we'll be back, Ms. Jeffries,

with a court order.

You do that.

Reporter: A kinder gentler IRS

or wolves in sheep's clothing?

I'll be back with the full story

right after this break.

Hayley, where are you, honey?

Hi, Grandma, you were just on TV.

I hope they captured my good side.

Hayley: I guess so.

I wasn't paying attention.

-I was reading. -Reading?

Well, I hope if was a Nancy Drew mystery.

No, "Les Miserables."

Hmm, well, I guess it could be worse.

It could be "Lady Chatterley's Lover."

No, I read that last year.

-You did? -Hm-hmm.

[sighs]

I, um-- I bought you a present.

I don't want any more presents.

You know, Hayley,

it's been six months since your parents died.

I can't expect you not to be sad, sweetheart,

but to stay locked in your room

morning, noon, and night reading, it really worries me.

"The love of learning, the sequestered nooks,

and all the sweet serenity of books..."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

You know your parents would want you to be happy.

So do I.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Grandma.

Look, I know that you like kitties.

So I went to the pound and I bought you one.

Where?

Surprise! How you doin', babe?

[screams]

Hey, come back. I'm better than a cat.

So I'm short. What's the big deal about size anyway?

Isn't that sweet?

They're playing already.

Reporter: Ethel Jeffries,

millionaire owner of a cash-only bakery chain,

the IRS says she must deposit all of those millions

so she doesn't cheat the government out of taxes.

She claims that if she wants to keep all the money

in her house, it's her business.

Yesterday, she was quoted as saying,

"In spite of all the pressure the IRS is putting on me

"and my bakeries,

the dough must go on."

-And now for sports... -Thanks for the tip, buddy.

Let's go to--

So we gonna rob her bakeries?

What? Are you stupid or something?

Well...

yeah.

She's got millions stashed in her house.

This is gonna be like taking candy from a baby,

like shooting fish in a barrel!

Think about it, ding-a-ling!

Yeah.

If she's got millions in her house,

then she must have a whole load of cash

in every one of those stores.

Ow! Ow!

Cut it out, Stu.

I'm trying to cook breakfast over here.

-Is my bacon ready yet? -[sizzling]

Ow, ow!

-[sputtering] -Gah!

[spitting]

[hacking]

[gags]

-[pops] -[hissing]

Hey, I'm getting hungry back here.

[gargles]

[coughing]

[hissing stops]

[gasps]

You can make your own darn eggs.

I think I will.

Top notch, Louie.

Top notch.

[slurps]

[groans]

What a lovely backyard.

So peaceful and quiet, too quiet.

-[gunfire] -I smell Charlie company.

I'm going in.

[sniffing]

What? What?

[gunfire]

What in the--

I shouldn't be here.

-[gunshot] -Come on.

Gather yourself together.

-[panting] -[gunfire]

-It's hot. -[gunfire continues]

What?

I can tell they're near, but where are you guys?

-[shouts] -[cat yowls]

[overlapping shouts]

Ow! Ow! Guys!

[barks]

I'll pulverize you!

I'll mincemeat out of you.

Don't make me come up there!

-Grr, grr. -Siamese 1: Oh, yeah, pulverize what?

My tail? Ha ha!

You're more like a hot dog than a real dog.

-Hey. -Siamese 2: Hot dog? That very funny.

Siamese 1: You shut up!

Let's jump this rat and stick him in a box.

Siamese 2: Yeah, with the mustard.

What are you two doing on my turf anyway?

Siamese 1: On your turf?

Everyone knows we run this neighborhood.

Siamese 2: Yeah, yeah, what she said, you tough guy.

You two have a serious attitude problem.

Siamese 1: Yeah, go chase your tail!

Siamese 2: Yeah, scram, you hot dog.

Oh, go hack up a couple fur balls.

-What a jerk! -Yeah.

Although, I kinda like him.

Typical cats, always scratching and clawing.

Why do the neighbors always have to be so spooky?

Huh.

[car honks]

[knocking]

-Yes? -Hi, Mrs. Jeffries.

Sorry, do I know you?

It's me-- Lucretia.

Oh! Yes, Lucretia.

Come on in.

I thought you were a redhead.

That's when I wanted to be a fashion model.

This is the new me.

My boyfriend Drac says that models

have sold out to the imperialist corporate parasite.

I've decided to go goth.

Well, that's very interesting, dear.

You do look a little different.

That's the idea.

When me and my friends turn eighteen,

we're all gonna get our bellybutton's pierced

to show our individualism.

[screams]

Mrs. Jeffries, you've got rats!

Where? Where?

Hey, be nice.

Oh, that's not a rat.

That's Haley's new kitty.

Oh my gosh. I'm late for my rehearsal.

You know the phone numbers

and you know where Hayley is.

-Up in her room reading. -Reading.

I'm gonna take my bike

and you just help yourself to anything in the fridge.

Bye-bye.

Move! Move!

What's your name, anyway?

Mickey Rat?

What's yours? Turd face?

[knocks]

Hayley?

[knocks]

Hayley?

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Who are you?

It's me. Lucretia.

I thought you were a redhead.

Well, I'm not, so I'll be downstairs

and then I might go outside for some fresh air.

So you can make out with your boyfriend?

-What? -Nothing. Good night.

[engine starts]

[engine revs]

Okay, she's gone.

The house is empty.

I hope.

Here, write this down.

Granny leaves on motorcycle

with saxophone at, uh, 1947.

Nineteen?

Huh?

It's military time, you idiot.

Just write it down.

1947.

What?

7:47.

Jumbo jet?

Ow! Ow!

Okay!

Here, hold this!

-[sizzling] -Oh, Ohh! It's hot!

It's hot!

[gasping]

Whoo! Ah! Ah!

[groans]

Uh-oh.

-[screaming] -[clattering]

[music from TV]

[dramatic music]

[screeching]

You all right?

[spooky music plays]

-[punching] -Man: Emily!

[man screams]

-[crunching] -[screaming]

[screaming continues]

-Mwuahahaha! -[shrieks]

-[laughs] -You stupid idiot.

You scared me half to death.

[laughs] You should have seen your face.

It was classic.

You do that again and I'll smack you.

How'd you get in here, anyway?

[muffled] Uh, your back door was unlocked.

You know, you guys really

should lock your doors at night.

You never know what kind of creature

might be lurking in the dark.

[inhales]

Gross.

Come here.

Give me a kiss.

I told you. No kissing in the house.

Why not? It's not like someone's gonna see...

except for maybe him.

What's happening, hot stuff?

Eww, get away from me!

What is it? Do my feet stink?

Lucretia, real goth chicks don't say things like "eww."

-Yeah. -Well, look at him. He's freaky.

-Look who's talking. -He's just a giant rat.

What? You too?

I think he's kinda cool.

Aw, that's what I'm talking about.

-[TV clicks] -Hey, I was watching that.

What are you doing? "Home Alone"'s almost on.

I love that little Macaulay guy.

Siamese 2: So what do you think?

We jump him or what?

Siamese 1: Nah, stupid.

We like cat burglars.

Hey, you smell that?

That short guy smell kinda like a burrito.

Both: Ahhh, burrito!

[sniffing] I'm famished.

Hey, come back.

[barks]

-[whimpers] -I think you better stay here and wait

for her to cool off.

Hey, buddy, how about some of that pop...

corn?

[huffs]

Whew! Well, it'll take some work,

but I'll figure out a way to open up that thing.

Open sesame.

[laughs] Yeah, baby.

Salami, chitterlings, lobster,

pork butt!

Wait, no pork butt?

Cat food?

-Yuck! -[glass clinking]

What was that?

[whispering] Sorry.

[straining]

[sniffing]

I don't hear anything, but...

[sniffing]

it smells like a burrito out there.

[gasping]

I better check the windows.

-[electrical surge] -[grunting]

[screaming]

Looks secure.

I'll check out back.

-[whispering] -[giggling]

Huh, nobody here either.

Must be losing my touch.

Now where was I? Oh, yeah, cat food.

-[wood clattering] -[gasps]

That time I'm sure I heard something.

Hmm, nothing.

Oh well.

[wood breaks]

[grunting]

Did you see the size of that rat?

Let's go.

This is humiliating.

If the guys back in the old neighborhood

knew I was eating cat food,

I'd never hear the end of it.

Actually, it's not that bad.

Ew, I hate rats.

I just get all funny whenever I see one.

Aw, shut up, Louie, act like a man.

Spider! [shrieks]

[muffled screams]

What was that, Drac?

It was probably Hayley's pet rat.

Come on, Lucretia!

If you want to be a high Gothic elite...

[inhaler puffs]

you have to relish in the dark.

Be strong.

[grunts]

Get your hand off my leg.

[farts] Oops.

[farts] Ugh, this is some powerful stuff.

It's locked.

Louie, stick your head down in that doggie door

and take a look-see.

Well, why do I always have to do that?

What if there's some big nasty old dog in there?

If there's a big nasty old dog in there,

I'll stick my head in.

So get down there and take a look.

Oh.

Okay.

-[farts] -[sniffing]

-Eww! -Get back in there!

Huh? Hey!

[screams]

Rat!

Louie!

I heard something that time.

It was nothing.

-[grunts] Hey! That-- -Shh!

Rat!

-[barks] -[screams]

-[screaming] -Did you invite your friends again?

No, I swear.

I mean...

[dramatically] no.

[screaming]

Louie!

Ohh!

Good luck catching that van, fat boy!

Aww, man, they need to put an elevator in here.

Classical again?

Girl, what you need is some Snoop Dog.

He's the bomb.

Well, Hayley's okay.

What could those two be after?

I'll tell you one thing--

if they come back, I'll be ready for 'em.

Doors, check.

Windows, check.

Right flank, clear.

Left flank, clear.

Perimeter check, complete.

Everything seems to check out.

Chihuahua- one. Intruders- zero.

[door opens]

[rustling]

Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty.

How was your rehearsal?

Oh, I think we're gonna be ready for next Saturday.

The new base player kept up with us no problem.

Hey.

It's 8:00.

You don't want to sleep the whole weekend away,

-do you? -Grandma,

I don't know about Lucretia babysitting me.

Oh, honey.

Try not to be too critical of Lucretia.

She-- she's just trying to find her own way.

Couldn't she find her way somewhere else?

You know, Hayley, if you could just make a small effort

to accept her way of expressing herself,

you'd find she's a very sweet girl.

Okay?

Okay, Grandma.

Breakfast is ready when you are.

I'm making sausages. Your favorite.

Thanks, Grandma.

[classical music plays]

Hey, Hayley, what's going on?

[whines]

-[barks] -[screams]

Ahh!

Quit doing that.

It really scares the heck out of me.

Out, out.

Aw, come on, kid. I'm trying to make friends here.

I promise I won't lick your face.

Out, dog.

All right, I'll get.

Hey, you called me a dog!

Well, now, that's a good sign. Maybe we could--

Ethel: Here, kitty, kitty. Come and get it.

Oh, boy! Grandma's cooking!

Oh, I'm famished.

-You're just gonna love it. - Here I come.

-Come on. -I'm right here.

There you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

-I brought you something. -[squeaking]

Oh, brother.

Well, aren't you gonna play with it?

[sighs] If I must.

-[missile falling] -We got to end this war.

[gunfire]

[gunfire]

Grr.

[helicopter whirs]

-[creature roars] -What's that?

[gunfire continues]

-[cats roar] -Not again!

Ow! Guys, liste-- Ow!

-Hey! -[giggling]

You want a piece of me? Come on, come on!

Siamese 1: A piece is about all that is left of you, hot dog.

But I brought you a toy.

Siamese 1: Oh, I like toys.

Both: Shut up! Shut up!

I was kinda hoping you could help me with the girl.

Siamese 1: Ah, so the lady's man needs help, huh?

You're worthless.

What do you mean? I just gave you a cat toy.

I'll bring you every toy the lady buys me.

Come on.

Siamese 1: Like we really want your hand-me-downs.

Siamese 2: Yeah, reject from a reject.

If you wasn't a cat, I'd--

-Grr. -Hey, we once licked the bottom of her bare feet.

-Really? -She liked that a lot.

Siamese 2: Yeah, maybe she like it if you do it.

That's a great idea.

I'll go try it right now.

What a moron. He'll believe anything.

What an ignoramus!

[giggling]

[Hayley screams]

Hayley: Out, dog.

-[door closes] -Hayley: Yuck.

[barks]

[barks]

Come on, come on.

Let's go! Let's go.

Let's get this baby in the air.

We have lift-off!

[giggles] Yeah, baby.

Uh, uh, uh.

Houston, we have a problem.

[screams]

I can't hold it!

She's breaking up! She's breaking up!

[screams]

How many frequent flier feet was that?

That must have been at least 100 feet.

How'd he get way over there?

Hmm.

[loud bang]

Okay, Louie, I say we hit this place Saturday night.

Saturday's laundry night.

Shut up, Louie.

After this job, we'll be able to pay somebody to do our laundry.

[scoffs]

No one's doing my undies.

-[scoffs] -Louie, no one's gonna care

about your dirty undies.

Mom cared.

Why am I having this conversation?

I want to be talking about the money,

not your underwear.

Well, you started it.

[Louie farts]

[Stu laughs]

[both chuckle]

[screams]

[groaning scream]

Ow!

Now do you have dirty undies?

Man, you are mean to me.

Hayley: Little dog.

Hey, Hayley, you awake? What's going on?

Hey, dog, come here.

Hey, kid, what's up?

Come on, I got something for you.

-Really? -[metal door opens]

-Uh-oh. -Remember me?

[screams]

Huh? Oh.

I got to lay off that spicy cat food before bed.

Seems nice and quiet.

-Sleeping like a baby. -[creaking]

I heard that.

Someone's up in the attic.

Hey, look, knit needles.

Hmm, don't know much about that croquet.

Ahh, the kite.

Oh-ho, a scuba tank.

Maybe we can go scuba diving someday.

Hey, what's this?

"Private: Keep out."

Sounds like an invitation to me.

One more time. One more time.

Little help. Little help.

One more time. Almost there.

Whoa!

Hey, who turned out the lights?

[laughs]

Well, I hope nobody saw that.

I got to get out of here.

[stretching]

-What the-- -[boing]

Whoa!

Huh? Whoa.

Yikes!

Aww, man, I got to get ahold of myself.

Well, everything seems to be in order.

I better get some shut-eye.

Wait, it's counter-clockwise.

No clockwise. No counter-clockwise.

[mumbling, sighs]

Hayley: Hey, dog, come here.

Come on, I've got something for you.

Ooph, deja vu.

Poor little guy.

Okay, I'm here, but no tricks.

All right, sis, what's on your mind?

I've been mean to you

and I want you to know I'm sorry.

It's not you.

It's that my parents died recently

and I've really been mean to everyone lately.

I love my grandma and she's trying her best,

but she thinks I'm supposed to be outside

playing with other kids.

I don't do that.

Well, why tell me this?

I'm a dog. Nobody cares what a dog thinks.

[sighs]

Nobody cares what a kid thinks.

Is there an echo in here?

Here, I got you something.

Another cat toy?

It's a piece of chicken, but don't eat the bone.

Grandma still thinks you're a cat.

She's too vain to wear her glasses.

Oh, girl, you rock.

So are we friends?

Shall we shake?

Oh, we don't play that.

Eesh.

[sighs]

Meiser: Okay, I can handle this.

-Okay, yeah, just calm down. -Just back me up.

I got your back. Relax.

It's your job, here we go.

[Agent clears throat] No guns.

Meiser: Good afternoon, Mrs. Jeffries...

[light chuckle]

Where are your friends, the news cameras?

Did you forget to call them?

We're not in the habit of involving parties

who have no bearing on the case.

On the contrary, they have great bearing on the case.

They keep you two from acting like outlaws.

Outlaws? I can't say I know what you mean, Mrs. Jeffries.

Thanks for letting the whole world

know about my finances.

What are you two doing here, anyway?

I've got a lot of work to do.

We want to give you one last chance.

Do you have a court order?

No, we're trying to be helpful.

You know, my father built that business up from nothing

the year that I was born.

He was a good man who taught us to work hard and be honest.

That's how he ran things.

We're not here to argue whether or not you're right or wrong.

When your father ran the business,

he had one store. You have over 50.

Over 50.

My accountants have been instructed

to honestly report all taxes

and I have just sent an accounting of my personal cash reserve.

Frankly, Mrs. Jeffries,

we don't believe you or your accountants.

-Oh, really? -Hmm.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Meiser: Tough cookie.

Mechanic: They don't pay me enough for this.

Yeah, cookie...

They put a man on the moon,

but they can't make a paw-friendly faucet.

Mrs. Jeffries, this is your last chance.

If we have to come back, it'll be with a court order

and the police.

Get off my land!

[echoes]

[screams]

[laughs] You guys are all wet.

[indistinct shouts]

[dog howls]

[knocking]

Hi, Mrs. Jeffries.

Hi, Lucretia, come on in.

Keeping the same hair this week?

I'm gonna be like this forever.

-[Ethel chuckles] -I'm kind of like

in love with Drac, my boyfriend.

He's cool

and not afraid of anything or anyone.

Really? How do you know?

-He told me. -Oh.

So tonight's a big night at the new club.

Yeah, we're all a tad nervous.

By the way, help yourself

to the macaroni and cheese on the stove.

-Where's Hayley? -Upstairs...

Both: Reading.

I'm gonna go and change.

Okay.

-[television clicks] -Oh, what you watching?

Oh, karate.

-[man grunting] -Man: Use the attacker's strength against him.

It's a question of balance, not wax-on, wax-off.

Defensive posturing and strength

could render the opponent helpless,

and with a minimal amount of moves,

could throw him to the ground.

Chihuahua: Hmm.

Can I come in?

Sure, Grandma.

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Why did their plane have to crash?

I miss Mom and Dad so much.

Oh, honey.

So do I.

It's not fair, Grandma.

[sighs]

I wish I knew a way to explain it...

but life is a series of good and bad things that happen to us.

The important thing is how we react.

We can't let the bad things destroy us, honey.

Sometimes when things don't go well,

well, we just have to accept it and go on.

I know what you're saying, Grandma,

but it still hurts.

Can I be alone for a little while?

Of course.

I love you, honey.

Love you too, Grandma.

Hayley, would you prefer to live with your aunt Helen?

I think she has kids about your age.

Don't you want me to live here with you, Grandma?

Of course I do.

I just don't want you to feel trapped.

I don't. I'd rather stay here with you.

Okay.

Wow, I thought I had it tough.

Come on, kitty.

This kitty stuff's got to stop.

Uh-oh.

Those goons are back.

[Chihuahua growls]

Oh! Isn't that cute?

The kitty's purring.

Why, if you wasn't a dame...

Now, kitty, you take good care of Hayley

while I'm gone.

Bye.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lucretia: Goodnight, Mrs. Jeffries.

Ethel: Goodnight, Lucretia.

Lucretia: Good luck.

Fasten your seat belts,

looks like it's gonna be a bumpy night.

[motorcycle revs]

[upbeat music plays]

[woman giggles]

[somber music plays]

[object clatters]

Stu: You want to wake up the neighborhood?

Fun's about to start.

Here we go.

-[woman's frightened gasping] -What are you doing?

Woman: Oh God! Drive! Eddie, drive!

-Hurry! -I know!

Take me home!

-Hurry up! -[car tires screech]

[frightened chatter]

Man: Just take it easy, will you?

-I know what I'm doing. -Where're you going?

-[creaking] -Hurry.

Man: Just take it easy.

This doesn't look like my house.

Just got to get a burger, okay?

[grunts]

This is a heavy megaphone.

-Uh-oh. -[door rattles]

Woman: Eddie.

-[barks] -Hey, cut it out.

[barking]

[barking continues]

[barking]

[barking continues]

[barking]

-[Eddie screams] -[barks]

-Man: Hey, kids, what you eating? -Kid: Pancakes!

Wake up, babe, I'm trying to tell you something.

Wait a minute.

You want me to go into the kitchen?

One of the Amazing Wallendas, folks,

right here in front of me.

They're back.

Whatever you do, don't open that door.

-Boo! -[barking]

-Drac, what are you doing? -[barking]

The door was locked.

That was like so uncool.

Saying "like" is like so uncool.

They are like so stupid.

[both grunt]

Huh?

Hmm.

Siamese 2: Hey, here comes the cat burglars.

Siamese 1: Check this out.

[both giggling]

Siamese 2: Oh.

Ow.

-[giggling] -What?

Quit screwing around.

-I didn't do any-- -Shh!

[hissing giggles]

[wicked giggles]

Hayley, I'm going out to the gazebo for awhile.

[both giggle]

[orchestral piano]

[laughing shriek]

[Lucretia giggles]

I'm ready for that little rat this time.

Yeah, yeah, just get in there and unlock the door.

Hurry up.

Little rat.

Where are you?

- [deep growling barks] -[screams]

- [deep growling barks] -[screaming]

[grunting]

There's a really big dog in there.

I just heard, like, a really big dog barking.

[sighs]

If you're gonna worry about every little sound

that you hear, I'm just gonna leave.

No, no.

I'd rather you stayed.

[gasps]

Louie, Louie...

I'll take care of your really big dog.

Get out of the way!

[harsh breathing]

Really big dog... [scoffs]

[metal clanks]

Strike! [laughs]

Stu?

Stu!

* What did I do

* to deserve this wreck of mine? *

Are you all right?

Speak to me!

Wake up.

Oh thank god!

[grunts]

Let's go try around the front.

Hey, wobbly legs, having trouble walking?

[groaning] Lend me an aspirin.

Stu, we'll get you a nice, hot bubble bath.

Where're you going?

I can't concentrate.

I got to go check on Hayley.

[huffs]

[man on television]: Where is he now?

There's no body.

There's no blood,

no indications there's been an attack.

[woman cries] I don't know what happened.

Eddie was standing right there

and then all of a sudden

this thing jumped out from nowhere

and started tearing him to pieces.

I just ran away.

-I couldn't-- -That's what it is.

[television clicks]

[clock chimes]

-[floorboards creak] -[owl hoots]

[knocks]

Hayley?

-Hi. -Uh, hi.

Just seeing if you're, like, all right.

Like, yeah.

Whatever.

I know I saw a wire around here, somewhere.

Oh, there it is.

[mimics gun reloading]

[mimics gunfire]

[mimics gunfire]

Ohh! Ooh!

Whoa-wa!

-What are you doing? -[high pitch warrior cry]

Practicing... Whaa!

Hey.

Give me back my hat.

[cats giggling]

Quit screwing around.

[barks]

She's got those things on her ears.

[saxophone plays]

[distant clattering]

[barking]

Ah, she's no help.

I guess it's up to me again.

Do I got to do everything around here?

-This little piggy went to the market. -Ow.

-This little piggy went home. -Ah!

-This little piggy had pork butt. -[screams]

Oh boy. [screams]

Ooh, ran out of piggies.

-[crashes] -[chuckles]

[Lucretia giggles]

Drac: Ow.

-Whoa! -[clanks]

Wow.

Where am I, Mommy?

I don't want to go to bed yet.

[huffs]

Get up!

[men grunt]

[barks]

There you are, you little--

-[barks] -Stu!

[giggles] Have a nice trip.

See you next fall.

[screams]

[grunts]

Aww, I just can't resist.

-[screams] -[ripping]

Where's that weird chick with the black hair?

[scoffs]

I think the babysitter needs a babysitter.

Louie: Did you get it? Did you get it?

-[thudding] -Both: Ow! Ow.

Ah, the trusty rolling pin.

I got to get access to that one.

[grunts]

Three, two,

one, blast off!

Piece of cake.

[grunts]

Stu: Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

Stu: There he is!

Look what you did to me!

[barking]

Get him!

We'll stuff him.

He'll look good in the van.

[screaming]

Thanks for flying butt head airlines.

[grunting]

That dog is dog meat.

[coughs]

I got to find something.

There's gotta be something I can use against these knuckleheads.

Hmm.

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, what's this?

Perfect, this'll work.

Here, little doggie.

Where are you?

You want to come out and play with Uncle Stu?

This is gonna be good.

All ready.

Hey, little feller.

Watch where you're pointing that thing.

Aim.

Whoa.

-If I could just get my paw in here. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Whoa! -Fire!

[screams]

[grunts]

Oh my.

Louie, get that dog!

Louie...

[murmurs]

Uh-oh.

Louie, take him someplace.

Any place

far away from here

before I kill him!

Louie: Okay, Stu.

I'll see you later.

-Louie! -Have a nice day.

Louie, get back here.

Don't worry, I'll be right back.

[groans]

[whines]

[upbeat music]

What's that?

Anyway, if I thought fourth grade was tough,

fifth grade was just out of the question.

So at 16, I left school

and got a job with Mr. Smiley Freeze,

but that didn't go so well.

Why am I not surprised?

You know, you're not such a bad little guy.

Heck, if we weren't robbing you,

we would've probably been friends, huh?

Want a chip?

[chuckles] There you go.

-[crunching] -Hey, you like that, don't you?

Ah, finger food, yum.

-[biting crunch] -[screams]

So long, stabby.

Okay, this blows.

This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Gotta get a taxi out here.

What am I doing? I got to save Hayley.

[groans]

When I get down from here,

I'm gonna teach Louie...

[music plays]

[plate clinks]

[pop music plays]

Hey, Stu.

Louie.

How's it hanging?

Oh!

Just get me down from here, you idiot.

[groans] Fine.

[strains]

Whoops.

Ohh.

Ohh!

I am going to wring your neck.

-Stu-- -You stupid...

-Stu. -brainless--

Money, money.

Oh, right!

Right.

I'll kill you later.

You know, there's a little girl up there.

I just want to get the money and get out of here.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the money.

Nobody is gonna put a million bucks

in an armoire by the front door.

They're gonna put it in a boiler

or a safe, somewhere.

Right.

Ahh.

Rats, rats, rats.

Ah-ha!

What are you doing?

I'm thirsty.

You don't know whose lips

have been wrapped around that.

There could be nasty germs in that can.

The acids in my mouth can handle any germs.

Oh yeah?

Well, let's see if the acids in your mouth

can handle this?

[coughs]

[cough]

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm just seeing

if she stashed the money in here.

You're eating! You're not looking. You're eating!

Hey, Louie.

Ooh!

[muffled]

[laughing]

Lucretia: Ow!

[laughing] Ow.

-Hey, Louie! -What?

Check up there and see if you can find a light switch.

I got it.

[grunts]

[clattering]

Here we go.

Where's the money?

[clattering]

[clattering, glass breaking]

Will you--

-Hey! -What's up?

Ow! Ow!

-Stu! -Just get down here.

Money, money, money, money,

money, money, money,

-money. -[farts]

Stu: It's got to be over here.

Where?

Do you see it?

Uh-uh.

Lucretia?

Little dog?

Anybody home?

Hmm.

I bet they're making out in the gazebo.

Yuck.

[cans clatter]

Lucretia?

[rummaging]

You better not be making out in the basement

with Dracula man.

Grandma says we're not supposed to go down there.

Almost there.

I got to keep going.

Lucretia?

Lucretia?

-[Hayley screams] -[jazz music plays]

[snapping]

Hey! Look where you're going.

Sorry. Sorry, you all right?

She's good.

See any seats?

Those?

I said we're gonna need your seats.

IRS.

-Let's go. -Official business, sir.

I know. Here, take your drink.

Hey, hey! Pay your taxes.

-Woman: Sit down! -Come on.

[angry muttering]

-Hey, hey! IRS! -Hey!

-Hey, hey. -Sit down! Sit down!

What's your name? You want to mess with me?

Huh?

[angry muttering]

[jazz music continues]

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, I'd like, uh,

a Shirley Temple.

-Okay, and you, sir? -Bloody Mary.

Wait, a virgin. We're on the clock.

-She's pretty good. -Yeah.

-[applause, whistling]

[cheering]

Ethel: Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.

Take five, ladies.

[applause continues]

Let's go.

-Hey, leave her alone! -Hey!

-[booing] -Hey!

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, calm down or I'll find you.

-[booing] -Watch your step.

[clattering]

[laughs] All right.

Hey, hot stuff, ladies!

Whoohoo! [cheering]

We're groovin' tonight, you gals!

Yay!

What are you two doing here?

Just keeping tabs on a possible tax cheat.

You're not supposed to be back stage.

I don't care if you want to watch the show,

but I prefer if you stay away from here.

It's for artists only.

We're expecting to get our search warrant tonight, Mrs. Jeffries.

When we do, we'll be at your house

with the police.

Bouncer: Okay.

Hey, what are you doing, pal? Hey!

-Come on. -Hands off, man!

-That's government property. -Come on.

-Get your hands off of me! -Are you crazy?

Get your hands off of me!

-Ooh. -Bye-bye, bye-bye.

We're gonna leave her here and that's the end of it.

She can identify us.

Well, what do you want to do?

Take her with us?

Stu: Yeah.

Like a hostage.

Well, I'm not sharing my half of the money with her.

I'm gonna tell you that right now.

If you don't stop that, I'm going to throw up.

[phone rings]

-What's that? -It's called a telephone.

It makes noise and strange voices come out of it.

[phone ringing]

Louie, focus!

We've got to find the money.

-[ringing continues] -Yeah.

[slurping]

Eww, what are you doing?

-That was a French kiss. -[phone ringing]

In my ear? Gross!

[slurping]

Oh.

Get off me.

-[metal clicks] -I can't.

[muffled] I'm stuck.

[whimpers]

Oh, it's really stuck!

-Uh-huh. -[yelps]

We need a mirror. Come on.

-[phone rings] -Come on.

-[ringing] -Oh my god, it's the phone!

Ow.

-[shrieks] -Oh god, my braces.

Hurry up!

It's not like she's gonna kill you.

Ow! Ow, ow.

-[moaning] -[keys jingle]

[ringing]

[ringing]

Lucretia: Yes!

-Lucretia? - Yeah.

Oh, yes, it's me, Ethel.

How's Hayley?

Everything's fine.

She's upstairs.

You want me to get her?

No, no, honey, don't bother.

No, I-- I just had a feeling I should call.

I was just gonna watch a karate movie on cable.

Glad everything's all right.

-I think we're a big hit. -Cool!

-Ethel. -Let's go.

Oh, look, look. I have to go now.

They're calling me.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.

Bye.

Ow!

[chuckles]

My god.

That's for almost getting me in trouble.

Hayley?

Hayley?

Lucretia: Hayley?

Who the heck is that?

My babysitter.

Maybe she knows where the money is.

You guys are done for. She knows karate.

Oh yeah?

Hai-ya!

You said this house was gonna be empty.

First the rat, and then the girl,

now a babysitter.

Ah, shut up, Louie.

I'm trying to think.

[sniffing]

Hey, this smells familiar.

Smells like-- Uh-oh.

Thor: Well, look what we have here,

a meal on legs.

Damien: We don't like punks on our turf.

Hey, fellas, it's me. Remember?

I busted the dog catcher's eggs.

[nervous laugh] Remember?

-Damien: Oh, yeah! -Thor: That's right!

We thought you went down!

I did, but I got adopted at the last minute

by this lady who thinks I'm a cat.

[laughs] What a crack up!

I can see it though.

Oh, come on, guys. I need your help.

There's a couple of burglars

trying to steal my new owner's money

and they might hurt the little girl.

Thor: Whoa there, buddy.

We don't get involved in that kind of business.

-Capisce? -Yeah, because there's nothing in it for us.

-But-- Come on. -You're on your own, man.

Damien: We stay on our turf and that's final.

I don't believe this!

Sorry, kid.

Thor: Yeah, poor little guy.

Probably should have helped him. C'est la vie.

She's not in her room.

I just heard a noise in the basement.

She's not supposed to go down there.

I'll deal with it. Stay here.

Oh, great! I'm back where I started!

What's the use?

I'm never gonna get back in time to rescue Hayley.

I shouldn't have done that taco commercial.

Who knew it was gonna be so big?

Hit me. Do the world a favor.

-[tires screech] -Come on.

This must be the white light everyone talks about.

[country music plays] * God knows you loved her

* You know you lost her

Hey, little feller.

Hey, old timer.

What are you doing out here at night all alone?

I'm trying to save my friends.

What does it look like I'm doing?

[chuckles]

Come on.

I'll give you a ride and get you some food.

-Food, oh. -Yeah.

[country music plays]

[engine starts]

Well, look at you.

What are you afraid of, partner?

I'm scared of what might happen to my friends,

what might happen to me.

Eh, why be afraid?

Fear is just something

to keep you from doing what you were born to do.

-Huh? -Maybe the odds are all stacked up against you,

but you never know when just the right spark hits

and cha-ching, cha-ching it all falls into place.

But I'm just a little dog.

And right now you're thinking you're a goner.

So why not give it your all.

If you're destined to succeed, you will.

If not... [chuckles]

then what do you got to lose?

Oh my gosh, you're right!

What was I thinking?

Hayley and Ethel, they need me.

Let me out of here.

Hurry, come on. Come on!

Wait, now, hold on there.

Now there goes a good little dog.

Wait a minute.

Did that guy know what I was thinking?

Feet don't fail me now.

-Woman: My baby! - Did you know mosquitoes are attracted to black clothing?

[television clicks]

What's taking...

[drumming]

I've got to get a new girlfriend.

You know, Lucretia,

if you're gonna keep me waiting around

here like an idiot, then I'm leav--

Stu: Who the hell are you?

Watch your language. There's a little kid here.

[high-pitched] Uh, Lucretia?

Drac, do something.

You guys are in for it now.

My boyfriend knows karate

and he's not afraid of anything.

He's not?

Uh...

Stay back!

Don't come any closer!

Stay.

[ragged breathing]

[panting]

[inhaler puffs]

Big karate man.

Scary ninja man.

[both laugh]

Your boyfriend's a dweeb.

[laughing continues]

Look at him.

Stu: That's a good one. [laughing]

[Louie laughing]

[Stu laughing]

They're going down!

[distant chatter]

-Oh, man. -Hayley: Put you away for a long, long time.

There's a brand new record in the state.

It's really tough.

Stu: You guys are making me crazy.

Now one of you knows where the money is.

If we did, don't you think

we would've told you by now?

It's not like we, like, like having you around

or something.

Huh?

[barking]

Get back here.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

Whoa!

[screams]

Whoohoo!

Whoohoo!

Whoa!

How do you stop this crazy thing?

It's the dog.

How'd he learn to do that?

I'll be right with you ladies.

He's coming back.

-[yelps] -[screaming]

Ahh!

[wheezing]

[laughing]

[screaming]

3-5 to gold leader, I'm going in.

Ahh!

[clock chiming]

[giggling]

I sure cleaned his clock.

Run, get help!

Who do I look like? Lassie?

Huh? Ow.

Where'd he go?

Hmm?

Come on out and fight like a man, you little midget!

I know you're out here someplace.

Hey, up here, burrito butt!

-[laughs] -That was a terrible shot!

You aim like a dog!

Is that the best you can do?

I've seen better shots at doctor's offices!

Ha! You missed me!

Why don't you show me something, you little two-bit canine?

[fabric stretching]

[gasping]

Incoming!

[screams]

Bullseye!

Wake up! Louie!

Louie, wake up!

[groans]

He's in the attic, come on!

Okay.

Louie: He's trapped.

[groaning]

I'm gonna kill that dog.

[grunts]

Huh? Oh!

Stu, what's this?

It looks like a...

-Uh, uh... -That's right,

a booby trap.

-No. -No.

-No! No, no. -No, no, no, no.

Both: No!

Who else is up there?

Just that dog.

[both wheezing]

I'm gonna kill that dog.

Stu, maybe we should just go.

Stu: He's just a little dog!

A little dog!

No Chihuahua's gonna kick my butt.

Stu?

Stu?

Come on come on.

Here, come on.

Come on, chop chop. They'll be back in a second.

They're outside. Lock the windows.

[screams]

You get the girl. The dog is mine.

Hey!

Want some smack and cheese?

Mac and cheese?

No.

Smack and cheese!

Uh-oh.

You're a dead dog.

D-E-D, dead.

Check your spelling.

Hayley!

Now what?

I don't know. Maybe we should go next door

-and call the police. -Good idea, let's go.

[screams]

-[Lucretia screams] -Let me go.

Ooh! Ow!

[screams]

Both: Let me out! Let me out!

Now that is what you put in an armoire!

[barks] Hey, up here!

Come and get me.

Forget him, Stu.

Let's just find the money and get out of here.

Thor: The scent leads in here!

Ai, Chihuahua!

You came after all.

Thor: Our pleasure.

[barking]

[screaming]

-Damien: Eh, bandidos! -Thor: Let's get 'em.

[growling]

[screaming]

Stu: Get out of the way!

[panting]

[barks]

[growls]

Nananana.

[laughs]

[barks]

[barks]

There he is.

[barking]

-Get him. -[barking]

[barking]

Careful.

[barking]

Here, doggie.

Louie: Time to say your prayers.

Both: Huh?

What?

-[barking] -Oh.

What the--

Huh?

Hey, let go of me.

Whoa!

[both whimper]

Stu, I just want to go home.

Me too, little brother.

Me too.

[blows]

-Mommy. -Damien: Way to go, little guy.

-[Thor laughs] -We'll keep an eye on 'em.

-Nice doggie. -[growls]

-Good doggie. -[growling]

[barking]

Sit! Sit!

[barks]

Who's the man? Who's the man?

[police sirens wail]

What the--

[barks]

Who are you?

We're just checking the gas meter.

It's working good.

Lucretia.: Help! Let us out! Somebody!

Hayley: Grandma!

What have you done?

Lucretia, Hayley! Oh my!

Are you all right?

I'm fine, Grandma.

What happened here? Who are these people?

-Burglars-- they tied us up. -Mrs. Jeffries, I'm sorry,

but you leave us no choice. We-- What is going on here?

We have a warrant to search and seize

sizable cash holdings.

You want the money? Take it. It's in there.

Policeman: We've been looking for you two.

You couldn't find a safer place than the armoire?

They didn't find it.

The armoire.

[both grunt]

Policeman: All right, let's cut 'em down.

All right, guys, easy.

You have the right to remain silent--

How'd you catch these guys?

He's the one who saved us.

[sighs] Well, that's some cat, I tell you.

Oh, brother.

Louie: Stuart did it.

Hey, babe, you okay?

[grunts]

Oh, man.

I think I'm going back to cheerleading.

-Stu: Oh, officer, are those cuffs-- -Hey,

are you two looking for a home?

Who? Us?

Come on, boys.

Thor: Heh, she can chain me up any day.

Louie: Please don't tell our mom.

Stu: Shut up, Louie.

Thanks for walking me home, Stephen.

No biggie. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Sure.

Home sweet home.

-Hi, Grandma. -Hi.

Oh, I'm so glad to see that you're making new friends.

He's nice.

Hm-hmm.

You know what?

I'm taking our cash

and I'm gonna put it in the bank

as an investment for your future.

Is it because they made you or because you wanted to?

Ugh, those two idiots

couldn't make me wish for sunny day.

They're back there processing their tax returns.

I'm doing it because you're very,

very important to me, sweetheart.

Thanks, Grandma.

I love a happy ending.

Have you come up with a name

for your kitty yet?

Well, I figure when the odds are totally against him,

he bounces back quick,

like a ping pong.

So I'll call him Ping.

Ping, I like that.

Well, it beats monkey face.

Oh, my god!

He's a dog!

That's right. Just an ordinary dog.

[woofs]

[music plays]