All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.In.Philadelphia.S16E04.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH.ENG

Frank!

Frank, come on, man!
We got to go!

- We got to go!
- Oh, what?

Come on, man,
we're gonna miss it.

- Wake up, wake up. Come on.
- Wh-What?

- Right away!
- Okay.

Guys, make way.
Make way, please.

- Hey, wait, no, no, please.
- Cutting it pretty close there, pal.

Ah, I feel like
I got to take a shit.

No, no, no, no, no.
There's no time for that.

- Oh, God, excuse me. Come on.
- No, no, no, no, no autographs.

- I'm not ready for this.
- Listen, listen.

- You got it, you got it, you got it.
- Listen to me.

- Back off, back off.
- Frank, you are ready.

Everything you need
is already inside you.

Move. No, out of the way.

- Dennis, please. Just...
- God, no.

Please, please.
Pretty please, just help me.

No! No, Mac.

I'm not helping you, okay?

Stop talking to me about Johnny.

Well, hey, I could help you
with your guy troubles.

No, thanks, Dee.
You suck with men.

Tell that to the guy leaving
my apartment this morning.

That's right. Your girl
got her guts pumped last night.

Oh, my God, that is disgusting.

- Your guts pumped?
- Aren't you, like, 60?

- You're not a girl.
- Yeah, come on, Dee. This is insane.

- I mean... really.
- Who talks like that?

And, by the way, anybody can
get a guy to bang them once.

Okay, well, I guarantee you

he'll be coming back
for seconds.

In fact, he pulled
an old move of mine.

He took my phone "by mistake"

so that he could see me again.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- How's he gonna call you?

- Dennis, can you help
me get my phone... - No.

- Dennis, Dennis, I need your help really quick, man.
- No!

Do you remember when we stole a
restaurant buzzer the other day?

I can't find it anywhere.

It's a matter of
national security here, man.

Oh, yes, no, no, I'm sure, yeah.

You know what? Maybe it's in
the back office. Let me check

the back office. Frank,
let me check the back office.

Hey, uh, Frank, could you
help me with something?

- Yeah.
- Are you kidding?

You want Frank's help
with your guy troubles?

He's insanely homophobic.

Huh? Not anymore.

No, once Mac did the dance,

then I get it.
I get the gay thing.

He gets it.
He's an ally now.

Okay, so, Frank, I need
some relationship advice.

- Yeah.
- I'm having some issues

- with this guy that I'm dating.
- Yeah.

I want to take it to the
next level, you know, -Right.

by actually meeting this guy.

What, you've never met the guy?

No, never met him,

never spoken with him,
never seen him,

but it's not weird

because we're in
constant communication

through the beads.

The beads?

Oh, yes.
The extra-large anal beads

that I shoved up my butt,

and Johnny can control them

via an app on his phone.

And when I feel the buzz,

I know it's time
to go to the motel

and wait.
It's very romantic.

Uh, yes, he's never
actually showed up before,

but one day he will,
and it's going to be hot.

That's it.
I'm out.

I'm out. That's it. I don't
get it. I am never gonna get it.

- Beads? You never said anything about beads.
- Let me-let me explain it again.

- What beads?
- It's beads that go into my ass.

The dance never said anything
about no beads.

Frank, I found it. I found it.
I found it.

Let's get the hell out of here.

We got it, guys, we're good.

Anal beads up his ass.

Dennis, can you please help me
get my phone back?

'Cause I need my phone.

No, Dennis, help
me, though. Help me because

- I need help...
- No, you are beyond help, okay?

You let a stranger
hack your butthole. Dennis...

Enough! Enough.

It is clear that I'm not going
to get a moment's peace until

I foist you two
off on someone else,

so, fine, I will help you.

- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, yeah! All right, all right,

let's go.

This is all I could find.

Yeah, no, this is good. Um...

Okay, are there, like, a pair
of, like, weird spy glasses

in here or anything?

- Aw, shit.
- They dropped all those charges weeks ago. Wh...

Call you back.

Hey, what are you guys doing
with all my research equipment?

Charlie and Frank
are gonna play spies.

Yeah, well, we're not
playing spies,

we're playing chess, okay?

There's a Russian grandmaster
coming to town.

I'm entering Frank
in the tournament,

and then he's gonna
rise through the ranks,

and he's gonna beat
this guy's ass, USA style.

So, I need the glasses,
Uncle Jack,

because Frank's got to be able
to transmit me the board

while I play along on a computer

and I signal him the moves
with the restaurant buzzer.

No, stop, stop, stop.
Uh, you're gonna break it.

This is, uh,
very sensitive equipment.

Right, yeah, okay.

Look, do you have
the spy glasses or not, dude?

Fine. I'll let you borrow them,
but I'm coming with.

Okay? I don't want you
breaking any of this.

A play date.

- Goddamn it.
- Oh, yeah.

- Like we used to.
- We never did.

- Ah... You don't remember.
- Man, we never did.

I mean, what is taking
Uncle Jack so long?

Well, why don't we just go in?

Hang on.

- What the...
- Is that-is that him?

Holy shit.

Uh, Uncle Jack,

what-what is this?

My ice cream truck.

You know, I-I have, like,
a side business.

Ugh. All right, fine. You know
what? Actually, this could work.

- You got the spy glasses?
- Yeah. Here they are. - Glasses.

- Here's how this goes. Frank, you got the buzzer?
- Yeah, I got the buzzer.

- All right, so Frank's got a buzzer in his pocket, okay?
- I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

So, he'll hover his hand
over the piece, you know,

one buzz for yes,
two buzzes for no,

three if you need him to switch
to a different piece, okay?

Same goes for where
to put it down. Got it?

- Okay. Yup.
- You clear?

- Give me a Push Pop, will you?
- And get him a Push Pop.

What? Oh, no, I-I don't have
any ice cream.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God. All right, fine.

Just... just...

- get to your spot and play the... Ugh.
- Okay.

Hey, I'll be watching you.

Hm...

Should I go here?

Mm. Or should I go...

here?

Charlie, don't look at the kid,

look at the board. Actually,

one quick look at the kid again,
so I can get a screen grab.

- Gross, no, man, no.
- No? No?

I... No, not you. Sorry.

Talking to the voices
in my head, so...

- Stay on the board.
- Yup. Yes.

Don't mind my friend.
He's schizophrenic.

I am, yeah.

- Got it.
- Go eh...

Boom.

I took your little
castle-y thing.

Suck on that,

boy!

If he does, let me get
another screen grab.

Shut up, dude.
That's gross, man.

- Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Sir?

Uh, sir, may I have
a word with you?

Um, absolutely not because
I'm in the middle of watching

a game of chess.

Uh, there is no alcohol allowed
on the premises.

What? Wh-What do you mean?

Like, I got to drink wine
or something?

No alcohol at all.

- At a sporting event?
- That's crazy.

Fine, dude. Here you go.

Frank, I'm gonna have to find
some way to sneak beer in here.

Excuse me?

Dude, are you still here?
Go away.

I gave you the beer, man.

Now, as you're both aware,
I have a foolproof system

for attracting a woman.

But I also have
a foolproof system

for attracting a man.

- Aw, awesome.
- No way.

- Why? - How come?
- Shh, shh.

Shh. Shh.

Okay.
Now, it begins

with me setting you both up
with nice, normal dates.

You will begin by greeting them

with the traditional
pleasantries.

Very nice to meet you, Patrick.

Kyle, it's a pleasure.

Pleasure's all mine.

I'll be nearby, of course,

to make sure nothing goes awry.

Step one.

S... suppress your instincts.

See, your first instinct

is going to be to try
to make yourself

seem awesome to him,
but that's wrong.

'Cause this isn't about you.

This is a man
we're talking about.

It's always about him.

Okay?

So, you're going to...

I... inflate his ego.

Make him feel like
he's awesome, he's funny,

he's the most interesting
person in the room.

You're the most interesting
person in this room.

Uhp, uhp, uhp. Hi.

Hello.

I just wanted to come over
and introduce myself.

I'm-I'm the manager

- of the establishment.
- Yes, I was just saying

that he's the most interesting
man in the room.

Yeah. You know, it's...
I-I caught that, actually,

and I wanted to say to you

that, uh, Mac does,

in fact, know everyone here,

which he would, of course,

have to in order to have said
something like that.

So, it's meaningful.

Now, once your man's
feeling important,

you're gonna show him
that you...

N... need his power.

Mm.

See, every man's greatest fear

is that he's a... pussy.

- Mm.
- You need to make him feel powerful.

Oh, boy.

Oh... man. I just can't seem
to get this open.

Do you think you could
help me out?

Sure.

Oh, this is really on tight.

Uh, are
you-are you being serious?

Oh, Christ, Bozo, give it back
to me. I'll do it.

Wai... No, no. Uh, no.
Yeah, it's... You can't.

You can't. You couldn't.

No one could,
because these bottles...

are all, uh...

they're defective
and un-openable.

Yeah, there's been a recall,
actually. See?

It's-it's impossible.
Nobody could...

...get these
open today.

- Mm.
- You know what? You do look very, very strong.

You mind giving this
one more shot for me?

Let's see if you can get it.

- Oh!
- Whoa.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Now that your man's
feeling powerful,

on top of the world, you must...

rip it away from him.

You're going to N...
negate his power.

Yeah, but this
needs to be subtle.

A man's ego is... fragile.

The goal here is to make him
feel that he may be a...

tad bit inadequate,

in comparison, maybe,
to a former lover.

- Yes?
- Oh.

But don't lay it on too thick.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Subtle.

I used to fuck LeBron James.

Oh, God.

Now, even if things have gone

a little off the rails
at this point,

we can get things back on track

with a classic.

E... engage physically.

- Hey-o. -
- Yeah.

But you got to make sure
that your physical engagement

is appropriate
to the environment, okay?

Your demeanor wants to remain
elegant and classy.

- Right.
- Mm. Got it.

What are you doing?

I'm grabbing your ding-dong.

No!

No, yeah. That's, uh...

And now for the final step,

the most profound move
of the entire system.

D.

"Do you want a tissue?"

- Huh?
- Huh?

You see, with this one
simple but profound question,

you instantly transport
this man back to a time

when he was a tiny,
snot-nosed little bitch

who depended on the most
important person in his life

for absolutely everything.

The person who inflated his ego,

who made him feel powerful,

but also powerless.

The person whose validation

he's been seeking
his entire life.

Guys,

the way to make a man

fall in love with you

is to make him feel

like you are...

his mommy.

Well, it's getting late.

Yeah.

Yeah, we should
probably call it.

I have, uh, one thing
that I'd like to ask you.

Um... do you need a tissue?

Do you need a tissue?

- What?
- What?

- You need a tissue.
- You need a tissue.

Oh. Oh, really? Ah...

Ah, just...
That's-that's embarrassing.

Hang on, all right, stop it.

There we go. Come here.

There we go. Now

my little man
is all ready for his day.

Before, they wanted

nothing more than
this date to be over.

But now they can't help
but ask...

Hey, um, any chance...

Would you want to...

...do this again...

...sometime?

Mm.

It worked.

And there you have it.

That, my friends, is...

the SINNED system.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- Oh, ho!
- Amazing.

-Crazy creepy, though,
-Oh, yeah, very creepy.

with all the mom stuff, and...

the name's a little
heavy-handed.

Yeah, took a-took a lot
to get there.

It's not as clean
as the DENNIS system.

Well, but listen,
the DENNIS system...

that's a system
for getting a woman.

This is a system
for getting a man,

and that's why SINNED
is actually...

DENNIS backwards.

Oh, my God!

- That's amazing.
- How-how did that line up like that?

Yeah, like,
what are the odds, though?

- Oh, wow.
- What do you... The odds of what?

What are the odds that
the steps to the system

would be DENNIS backwards

and that they would spell out
the word "sinned?"

High! High.
'Cause I made it up.

- Oh! Yeah, he did it on purpose.
- Oh, my... He made it up.

- Hey-o!
- Hey-o!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's up, guy...

You know what, I got to say,

I am, I'm still, like,
buzzing from last night.

- Got a little hairy there for a second, didn't it?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but we pulled it off.

- We sure did!
- We really did.

- We really did.
- Success.

All right, so talk to me,
when are those

- second dates?
- Ooh, yeah, no, that's not happening.

What do you mean,
that's not happening?

Well, I got home last night,
and, I, uh, found myself

real horny, so I popped
a couple of Mommy's magic beans

and headed over to Kyle's house.

Roofies. I roofied myself. Yeah,

not 100% sure
if we plowed or not,

but I do know I got this.

You stole his phone.

-Yeah, well, I'll be honest,
-Aw...

the details
are a bit hazy, still,

but I do know
I stole somebody's phone.

- And you?
- Oh, I'm not doing it either.

- Yeah!
- Okay, but I have a good reason, Dennis.

I have a really good reason,
'cause I'm not a-a rapist

and a thief like Dee is.
I'm-I'm just a boy in love.

I'm just a boy
in love with Johnny,

and I realized that
I-I have to be with him.

Well, no, see,
that's-that's the thing...

Johnny doesn't love you.
He doesn't even like you.

- You don't know him.
- No, no, no.

You don't know him.

I know him better than you.

Do you? Because I am him.

What?

I invented Johnny as a means

of getting you
out of the apartment

when you were irritating me.

I don't understand.

Okay, like,
when "Johnny" sent you out

to go get those
soft-shell crabs,

- you remember that?
- Yeah.

Yeah. And he was
supposed to meet you,

- but he didn't. He ghosted you, right?
- No.

And so, you came sauntering back
in the house and all depressed,

and I was like,
"Well, I tell you what, buddy,

I'll eat the soft-shell crabs.
They are my favorite."

And I said, "Oh, my God,
what a coincidence

because they're-they're
Johnny's favorite, too."

- Yeah, because I am Johnny.
- Then who's Dennis?

- What do you mean?
- Well, if you're Johnny, then who... who's you?

I'm Dennis!
I've always been Dennis.

L-L-Let me... This is gonna make
it all clear. This is my phone,

- Don't want to get into this... -
and when I push a certain button...

Wait, hold on. H-Hold on a second.

- What, what?
- Johnny's buzzing me. I got... Look.

- No, I pushed the button.
- I haven't heard from him in a while,

and I'm going to the motel.
I got to meet him.

- I'm sorry.
- Mac, it's not Johnny. I pushed the button on my phone...

I can't engage with you
on this right now.

I got to-I got to go see Johnny.

Dennis! Dennis.
I need your help, man.

- I need your help, big-time.
- No, no!

I am done helping people.

Dude, we're so close, man.
We're in the finals.

- Yeah? I don't care.
- And there's no way

I'm gonna be able to sneak a
restaurant buzzer in now.

Okay, you know what?
You're not gonna stop talking.

- So, I-I'm just...
- Yes... No, I'm not, because,

Dennis, I need your
help. Look, I've -I don't care.

been controlling Frank using
the restaurant buzzer, okay?

- Wait a-wait a... whoa, what...
- And it's the perfect plan.

Hold on a second.

Sorry, did you just say
you've been...

controlling Frank
like a pawn in a game?

Like a puppet?

Uh, I didn't say
any of those words, but yeah.

I've been-I've been controlling
Frank, uh, in chess, yes.

Very interesting.

And Frank's been aware
of the puppetry the entire time?

Yeah, of course. He's in on it.
But dude, it's over, right?

Unless you know a way
I can sneak

something into this tournament
that vibrates.

I think I may have a way,
but, uh...

Frank's not gonna like it.

- Dee.
- Mm.

Got any more
of those magic beans?

Yeah.

'Cause we're gonna need

to turn the lights out.

- Frank! Frank, get up!
- Wow, what...

- Wake up! Wake up, man! We're late!
- Okay. What?

We're gonna miss it, dude.

Move. No, out of the way.

Jesus, Frank. Cutting it
pretty close there, pal.

Ah, feel like
I got to take a shit.

What? You got to sh...
Don't shit, don't shit.

- No, no, no. There's no time for that.
- I'm not ready for this.

No, listen to me, listen to me.
You are ready.

Everything you need
is already inside you.

Move. No, out of the way.

The excitement here is palpable.

At last, the moment
we've all been waiting for,

Mr. Reynolds is about
to make his first move.

You got this, Frank!

You got this, man!

I don't know what I'm doing.

Frank, trust your gut.

Ooh.

Oh.

He seems a little
uncomfortable, Susan.

Just think about
the incredible amount

of pressure
he's feeling right now.

Oh...

Ho, ho.

Ho, ho!

Yes. Yes.

Oh.

- Oh, God, no.
- Mr. Reynolds seems to be going through

a range of emotions

while contemplating
his first move.

You don't have to do this.

You don't have to do it.

S-Should I go here?

Oh...

Uh... There?

Oh!

Take your time, take your time.

Take your time. Take your time.

You don't have to do this!

Should I go there?
Aah!

Hey, Dennis.

Oh, man, I had
the craziest night last night,

'cause I think I, like,
blacked out, and then,

when I woke up, I think
that Johnny broke up with me,

- 'cause he was gone.
- Mac, I can't do this right now.

Here?

Here?

Don't lose your shit, man.
Don't lose your shit.

A language warning
for anybody watching at home.

Ho! Aah, aah, aah! Oh!

Nice.

I am Johnny! I don't know
how else to tell you!

Look, I have the texts.
I will show you the texts.

Look, these are the texts that
I sent to you from my phone.

Oh, my God.
You have Johnny's phone.

- This is my...
- Give it to me.

- Give me Johnny's phone.
- Goddamn it! - Whoa, whoa.

You motherfucker!

Oh, God.

It won't...
it won't go down.

What have you done?

Take my king. Take my king.

Take him.

Take it. Take it.

Oh...

Kd2! Kd2!

That is checkmate. What
a brilliant endgame by Reynolds.

- He won?
- He won!

Frank won?

Get it out! Get it out!

- God. Take it out, take it out.
- You did it, Frank!

- Frank, you did it! You beat the Russian!
- Take it out. Take it out.

- You beat the Russian!
- Stop it, stop.

Stop this, Charl... It's gonna
split me in half, Charlie.

He won! He won!

- USA! USA!
- Kill the Wi-Fi! Kill the Wi-Fi!

- USA! USA!
- Kill it. Kill the Wi-Fi!

Kill the Wi-Fi!

Ooh. Ooh.

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org