Original subtitles

Not today, Hungry Hank.

(BELL RINGING)

And tongs down. The lunch buffet is closed.

Scott, Hailey, clean it up.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

HAILEY: Oh, yeah

SCOTT: Yeah.

- Yeah. - (EXCLAIMS)

HAILEY: You're probably wondering

what I'm doing with a hot dog and chocolate pudding pizzarito, right?

Wait, is that what I look like when I eat?

Anyway, when the lunch buffet ends at U.F. Dough,

Scott and I graciously donate our time to clean up the leftover food,

and by cleanup, I mean stuff our face-holes.

Your gluttony disgusts me.

Do you want a bite?

Even if I could eat, I wouldn't eat that.

Now focus up, chow hounds.

The next most optimal list item for you to complete is number 89.

Be in a school musical.

Me? Sing in front of lots of people?

Hailey, that's crazy perfect timing.

The school musical is just a few weeks away.

And my girlfriend Kristine, who I'm full on dating now,

well, she's writing, directing and starring in Hats, The Musical.

Let me guess, it's about hats.

How did you know that?

- You really are a supercomputer. - Whoa!

Be in a musical?

Me? I mean, sure, I've always wanted to be in a musical. Who hasn't?

But I've never sung in front of an audience.

I'd be so nervous.

Come on, Hai, you sing for your uncles' band all the time.

ALL: (SINGING) Just look at the sky glow

Who cares where the time goes A beautiful night

Totally different.

I don't sing for my uncles, I sing with them.

Hey, maybe we could sing together. I got a lead role.

- BOTH: Really? - Yeah.

But it was a tough audition process.

Hi, I'm Scott. And I'd like to...

(EXCLAIMS) You got the part, boyfriend!

Show business is hard work.

SUNNY: You talking about the musical?

I love musicals, and I'm so glad

Scott is putting himself out there and exploring the arts.

Unlike me, who spent my best years in a dark room studying anatomy,

when all I wanted to do was bring a slice of happiness to the people.

(MAN BURPS)

Even him. Anyway, great news,

I'm taking the whole night off to see your show.

You are? But you never take time off. Not even for Becker's birth.

What can I say?

I like to multitask, plus, Darryl's gonna cover for me.

- Ahhh! - (DISHES SMASH)

Or maybe I'll close for the night. Are you gonna be in the musical too?

Uh, I don't know.

You wouldn't be performing alone. I'd be there to back you up.

Come on. It might be fun.

I'll do it. I just need to find the perfect role.

Perfect.

ALL: (SINGING) He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah, Unignorable

Yeah, yeah.

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

He's fedorable

You guys, that was incredible.

Snaps all around, but a little constructive criticism.

Some of you are dancing like you have two left feet.

But I do have two left feet.

I apologize, Tina.

That cliche is outdated and offensive.

And you were the only one doing it right.

Everyone else, be more like Tina!

Now, let's take a break.

Then Scott and I will rehearse our big love duet.

Eee!

You heard the boss. Take five, a true five.

Everyone, clear the stage. Important set piece coming through.

And it ain't stopping for no one.

Clear, clear, clear.

- What's up, Hailey? - Becker?

I didn't take you as a theater fan.

I'm not.

But I am a fan of smashing the sets with a sledgehammer

once the show is done.

The perk of being a techie.

Becker, or should I call you "sister,"

now that Scott and I are full on dating?

Not if you like your eyebrows.

There's one teeny, tiny thing I need.

The spotlight at the end of the Fedorable number

just isn't quite bright enough.

It's already at the highest setting, boss.

Well, it's very important it's even brighter.

We need to get the scene the perfect hat-mosphere.

Well... (SIGHS)

We're already working with 3,000 lumens in a two-way converter box,

but I guess I could bypass the restrainer block.

I don't understand a word of that, but it sure sounds exciting.

Eee!

Grand jeté!

Isn't this fun?

Then we do the whole spinny thing and then we tappity-tap,

and then...

La, la, la, la

I just want the show to be really good for my mom.

No worries. The show is great.

Whoo-hoo!

HAILEY: The show is not great. The story doesn't make sense,

the costumes are ridiculous, and it's way too long.

But there are some surprisingly catchy songs.

(SINGING) He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah

Unignorable The softest brim

A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

- O-M-G-sharp. - (GROANS)

Hailey, your voice is glam-tastic.

I need to write you a coat rack solo called, I'm Hooked.

Oh, no, I'm happy as a silent coat rack.

Aw. Sad face emoji.

Well, you can still change your mind.

We still have a few weeks till opening night.

It's opening night!

Boys, act louder.

Tina, the box set starts on your rightmost left foot.

I don't know which is which anymore.

Becker, did you brighten the spotlight for the end of the Fedorable number?

Don't worry, boss.

I read you loud and clear.

(PANTING)

Looks like the audience is brimming with excitement.

(CHUCKLES) Am I right?

(CHUCKLES) Killer hat pun, Hails, but something's happening.

I have this weird rumbling in my stomach,

like little butterflies are being eaten by fire-breathing dragons

Sounds like nerves.

There's a first time for everything.

Wait, you've never been nervous before?

- I feel that way all the time. - Really?

If I had to sing in front of that audience tonight,

I'd be so nervous I'd freeze and forget all the words

and then tumble off the stage and break both my legs.

Uh... Well, break a leg.

I mean, you know, not literally, just, have fun out there!

(SINGING) Welcome to Hattington's Selling you a hat again

No shenanigans

Any hat on a platter, man.

Every shape and style A go-to shop

Come in and grab a brim Welcome to Hattington's

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yes!

Hat on a hat, on a hat, on a hat

What could be better than that?

Sombrero, sombrero

Wish I were a sombrero

Instead I'm a lame beret

Three-million four-hundred Ways to hide your head

Why bother washing your hair

Just cover it instead

Am I a hat?

In my dreams I cover the whole head

Instead of being just a brim

He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah Unignorable

Yeah, yeah

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

He's fedorable

- (SCREAMS) - (AUDIENCE GASPS)

- (GASPS) - Ahhh!

Ow!

Jonathan, Thad...

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

You're welcome.

Ow! Oh!

My ankle. And before our big love duet.

It's impossible to sing with a sprained ankle.

But it's the best song.

- I wanted my mom to see it, and... - Hailey, you could do it.

- You have an incredible voice. - Me?

But the nerves, the butterflies, the dragons.

I know. But once you start singing, that will totally go away.

Please?

I want to, but I'm sorry.

I just can't.

It's okay. I can do it by myself.

Kristine, sun hat costume, please.

But, Scott, you can't sing a duet by yourself.

Yeah. Well, they said man would never walk on the Sun either.

But those brave astronauts proved them wrong.

Break a leg, boyfriend.

Pillbox, Stetson, bonnet, balaclava,

shower cap, the Santa hat.

We're like pancakes and ice cream

Public pools and chlorine

(GASPS)

Like spaghetti and...

Like spaghetti and...

Um... Mango?

HAILEY: Going out on that stage in front of all those people

was the last place on Earth I would ever want to be.

But for some reason, at that moment, it didn't matter.

Because Scott needed my help.

Like spaghetti and... Like spaghetti and...

Like spaghetti and meatballs Are meant for each other

Or two puzzle pieces

BOTH: Like hot dogs and mustard

You, you fit me perfectly

Can't help but serenade ya 'Cause our love is tailor-made, yeah

You, you fit me perfectly

If I'm a lock, then you're the key You fit me perfectly

Yeah

You fit me perfectly Yeah, yeah

- Like pancakes and ice cream - Waffles and ice cream

BOTH: Anything and ice cream

You fit me perfectly

Oops.

- Yeah, Scott! - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I owe it all to the hats.

Thanks for saving me out there, Hails.

And hey, you actually sang on stage in front of people.

Wait, I totally did.

And it was kind of awesome.

I think I want to do it again.

(ALL GASP)

KRISTINE: Becker! Stop!

We still have five more performances.

Why? The show is already a smash hit.

KRISTINE: Becker!

- (SMASHING CONTINUES) - (BECKER LAUGHS)

(CHORUS SINGING)

He's fedorable! Yeah, yeah!

Unignorable! Yeah, yeah!

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town!

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town!

He's fedorable!