Original subtitles

BETA: Chaos bots have been sent from the future

to stop the one person who can save the world.

Me?

CHORUS: (SINGING) Hey, hey, hey! Hailey's on it!

HAILEY: Teach a cat to play the piano Roller-skate all the way to Orlando

Use my ear wax?

To make a candle

CHORUS: Hey, hey, hey! Hailey's on it!

HAILEY: Win first place for world's cutest pet rock

Do a corn maze Hope I don't get lost

Eat an onion

Kiss my friend Scott?

(SCOTT GROANS)

CHORUS: Hey, hey, hey! Hailey's on it!

GREGORY: Legend shall speak of this day,

whence a hero will be not born, but made.

Let's do this.

(CAR LOCK BEEPS)

Welcome, all, to Oceanside's Annual Sandcastle Building Contest,

brought to ye by the Oceanside Shakespeare Company.

-And also, by Gravy Cakes. -(FEEDBACK SCREECHES)

MAN: (SINGING) Soggy and brown The best cakes in town, Gravy Cakes

KAI: Hey, the Banks are here.

Oh, Peter, hair's looking good, news reporter good.

Hi, Mrs. Dawson.

You better get that award-winning lemonade away from me

if you want to keep any.

Good morrow, Gregory.

My dad and I are kind of a big deal at the Sandcastle Building Contest.

We've been doing it for years.

It's become our tradition.

My dad has this cherished triple-packing technique,

which takes forever. So, we never really make a big castle,

or win or place at all.

But we do always have a good time

and get those sweet participation ribbons.

[Scott groaning]

Hey, Scott.

[Scott exclaims]

Thanks for watching Dwayne and Johnson so we can do this.

Oh, it's easy.

When they get bummed, I just give them cookies.

-[babies cooing] -Ahhh!

Nice to finally have a relaxing day to be... Holy Kettle Corn!

Beta, why are you here?

You hate the sun and people

and birds and sand.

All true, but I'm here because you need to win

the contest this year.

List item number 167.

I didn't tell you earlier, because I know how you are.

-You'd freak out. -I do not freak out!

I express my concerns loudly and quickly

because they're all buzzing around in my head.

Now this contest took on world-altering stakes.

Yes, I'm totally freaking out right now!

Hey, you got this, Hailey.

You know what? Dad and I can totally win.

Nobody here takes this contest seriously, anyways.

BOY: Hello, Hailey Banks.

HAILEY: This is A.C., and yeah, that's how he always looks.

Way back at Taylor Dyer's sixth birthday party,

I apparently beat him at Duck, Duck, Goose,

and he's claimed to be my bitter rival ever since.

I've tried ignoring him. I tried explaining

that both people have to care for it to be an actual rivalry.

But he's always just there.

Hope you brought aloe vera, Hailey Banks,

because you're about to get burned.

Why are you here, A.C.?

As you know, I have been keeping track of every competition we've ever had.

-Oh, jeez, not the paper... -On this paper.

And you are currently one up.

I am here to settle the score,

and nothing will stop me.

Aw! What the beans?

The folds keep going the wrong way,

and once you start, it's just messed up from the...

(BUGLE SOUNDING)

(CHUCKLES) We're having fun, aren't we?

Okay, we're gonna read the rules, folks.

Teams can bring three plastic shovels,

two pails and one personal bag into the area of their choosing.

All builders must stay in their roped-off area,

using only things within it to build their castle.

Exciting stuff!

Don't do that.

Architects! Nigh is the time of...

-(AIR HORN BLOWING) -Look how loud this is. So loud, right?

Can you believe how loud this is?

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Whoa!

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Hi! Good pick, Hail. Water access, shade from the bluffs,

sand is a bit loose,

but nothing our triple-packing technique can't fix.

Rookie move, picking the least level area, A.C.

You're already off to a bumpy start.

Oh, no! Whatever will I...

Wait, what's this, that just happens to be buried here?

Gee, I just hope I can guess the password

on this here control tablet.

Hey, it's my birthday.

(CHUCKLES MALICIOUSLY)

That is such a lucky break.

We're just going to have to step up our game. Hey, Dad?

And, done. First brick.

Phew! I gotta pace myself. Musubi break.

You know, Dad, I was thinking, maybe we could try

for a little bigger castle this year.

I mean, what if we just did double packing?

(LAUGHS) And make a sandcastle that will only last a week?

Isn't this a one-day contest?

Hailey, mai maka'u i ka hana.

Any job worth doing

is worth doing right.

Yeah. Dad, you know what?

I'm gonna work over here for a bit.

Scott, give me some raisins.

Wait, what is this?

This beach is crawling with carpenter crabs,

who build around their food sources to protect them.

GREGORY: Ah! A western power casts its shadow

upon the eastern giant.

ZOOT: I like those little robots.

(SLURPS)

Is that a sardine?

-Ahhh! Beta! -You are mine.

(GRUNTING)

Oh! All under control.

Thanks, Beta. Good luck.

How dare she thwart my brilliant sabotage?

This means war.

Gee, who knew the beach would be so warm?

I'd sure be a "fan" of something that could cool me down.

Pun intended and well executed.

Wow. The Breeze Blaster 4000.

The world's most powerful battery-operated fan,

which just so happens to be available

at my parent's store, Fans Plus.

What a coincidence!

Yeah, that's a huge coincidence.

I'm starting to think A.C. buried some of that stuff beforehand.

-To cheat! -(SCOFFS)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

GREGORY: The Black Plague, the Sacking of Rome,

shampoo in thine eyes,

tragedies all but small compared to this.

What the beans? Is that sea...

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, it's seaweed.

Fire!

-(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) -(HUMMING)

All droids to the front lines. All droids to the front lines!

Hailey, you should know, A.C.'s droids are overpowering the crabs

on the battlefield.

Yes, Scott, I can see. It's literally three feet away.

It's time. Release the twins.

Heaven help us all.

(RUMBLING)

(COOING)

(LAUGHING)

GREGORY: The crab queen's monsters all heave and smash

but unseen to all, looms the sugar crash.

What? Greg, have you been speaking in rhyme this entire time?

Have I?

(GRUNTS)

(SNORING)

Time to finish this.

The crabs are gone,

the catapults are dismantled, the twins are passed out.

Honestly, I don't want to wake them up.

-(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) -(HUMMING)

Aquari... Aguami... Uh...

Oh! Just do the thing we talked about.

(CRYING)

That thing that you just...

Whoa.

Contest got kind of crazy this year.

What have I done?

Now, we're never going to win.

And everyone else's castles are destroyed, too.

Not everybody's.

But the wind, the water, the small-scale war?

Are no match for the triple-packing technique.

-Remember, any job worth doing... -Is worth doing right.

Whoa!

Déjà vu.

Except your dad said it earlier and we were there.

It didn't sink in with you then,

-but now you've learned... -I get it, Scott.

What ho!

This last bastion shan't be other than victor's hall.

I think you win by default.

(CLAPPING SOFTLY)

(BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

What the beans?

Oh, yeah. Even better than a participation ribbon.

And don't forget your sweet $25 Gravy Cakes gift card.

-Who wants wet cake? -ALL: We do!

This is disgusting.

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

KAI: Too wet.

We did it, old friend. We did it.

(SQUAWKS)

Come on, bug off, you dumb...

No, I didn't mean to... Ahhh!

Not today, Hungry Hank.

(BELL RINGING)

And tongs down. The lunch buffet is closed.

Scott, Hailey, clean it up.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

HAILEY: Oh, yeah

SCOTT: Yeah.

-Yeah. -(EXCLAIMS)

HAILEY: You're probably wondering

what I'm doing with a hot dog and chocolate pudding pizzarito, right?

Wait, is that what I look like when I eat?

Anyway, when the lunch buffet ends at U.F. Dough,

Scott and I graciously donate our time to clean up the leftover food,

and by cleanup, I mean stuff our face-holes.

Your gluttony disgusts me.

Do you want a bite?

Even if I could eat, I wouldn't eat that.

Now focus up, chow hounds.

The next most optimal list item for you to complete is number 89.

Be in a school musical.

Me? Sing in front of lots of people?

Hailey, that's crazy perfect timing.

The school musical is just a few weeks away.

And my girlfriend Kristine, who I'm full on dating now,

well, she's writing, directing and starring in Hats, The Musical.

Let me guess, it's about hats.

How did you know that?

-You really are a supercomputer. -Whoa!

Be in a musical?

Me? I mean, sure, I've always wanted to be in a musical. Who hasn't?

But I've never sung in front of an audience.

I'd be so nervous.

Come on, Hai, you sing for your uncles' band all the time.

ALL: (SINGING) Just look at the sky glow

Who cares where the time goes A beautiful night

Totally different.

I don't sing for my uncles, I sing with them.

Hey, maybe we could sing together. I got a lead role.

-BOTH: Really? -Yeah.

But it was a tough audition process.

Hi, I'm Scott. And I'd like to...

(EXCLAIMS) You got the part, boyfriend!

Show business is hard work.

SUNNY: You talking about the musical?

I love musicals, and I'm so glad

Scott is putting himself out there and exploring the arts.

Unlike me, who spent my best years in a dark room studying anatomy,

when all I wanted to do was bring a slice of happiness to the people.

(MAN BURPS)

Even him. Anyway, great news,

I'm taking the whole night off to see your show.

You are? But you never take time off. Not even for Becker's birth.

What can I say?

I like to multitask, plus, Darryl's gonna cover for me.

-Ahhh! -(DISHES SMASH)

Or maybe I'll close for the night. Are you gonna be in the musical too?

Uh, I don't know.

You wouldn't be performing alone. I'd be there to back you up.

Come on. It might be fun.

I'll do it. I just need to find the perfect role.

Perfect.

ALL: (SINGING) He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah, Unignorable

Yeah, yeah.

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

He's fedorable

You guys, that was incredible.

Snaps all around, but a little constructive criticism.

Some of you are dancing like you have two left feet.

But I do have two left feet.

I apologize, Tina.

That cliche is outdated and offensive.

And you were the only one doing it right.

Everyone else, be more like Tina!

Now, let's take a break.

Then Scott and I will rehearse our big love duet.

Eee!

You heard the boss. Take five, a true five.

Everyone, clear the stage. Important set piece coming through.

And it ain't stopping for no one.

Clear, clear, clear.

-What's up, Hailey? -Becker?

I didn't take you as a theater fan.

I'm not.

But I am a fan of smashing the sets with a sledgehammer

once the show is done.

The perk of being a techie.

Becker, or should I call you "sister,"

now that Scott and I are full on dating?

Not if you like your eyebrows.

There's one teeny, tiny thing I need.

The spotlight at the end of the Fedorable number

just isn't quite bright enough.

It's already at the highest setting, boss.

Well, it's very important it's even brighter.

We need to get the scene the perfect hat-mosphere.

Well... (SIGHS)

We're already working with 3,000 lumens in a two-way converter box,

but I guess I could bypass the restrainer block.

I don't understand a word of that, but it sure sounds exciting.

Eee!

Grand jeté!

Isn't this fun?

Then we do the whole spinny thing and then we tappity-tap,

and then...

La, la, la, la

I just want the show to be really good for my mom.

No worries. The show is great.

Whoo-hoo!

HAILEY: The show is not great. The story doesn't make sense,

the costumes are ridiculous, and it's way too long.

But there are some surprisingly catchy songs.

(SINGING) He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah

Unignorable The softest brim

A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

-O-M-G-sharp. -(GROANS)

Hailey, your voice is glam-tastic.

I need to write you a coat rack solo called, I'm Hooked.

Oh, no, I'm happy as a silent coat rack.

Aw. Sad face emoji.

Well, you can still change your mind.

We still have a few weeks till opening night.

It's opening night!

Boys, act louder.

Tina, the box set starts on your rightmost left foot.

I don't know which is which anymore.

Becker, did you brighten the spotlight for the end of the Fedorable number?

Don't worry, boss.

I read you loud and clear.

(PANTING)

Looks like the audience is brimming with excitement.

(CHUCKLES) Am I right?

(CHUCKLES) Killer hat pun, Hails, but something's happening.

I have this weird rumbling in my stomach,

like little butterflies are being eaten by fire-breathing dragons

Sounds like nerves.

There's a first time for everything.

Wait, you've never been nervous before?

-I feel that way all the time. -Really?

If I had to sing in front of that audience tonight,

I'd be so nervous I'd freeze and forget all the words

and then tumble off the stage and break both my legs.

Uh... Well, break a leg.

I mean, you know, not literally, just, have fun out there!

(SINGING) Welcome to Hattington's Selling you a hat again

No shenanigans

Any hat on a platter, man.

Every shape and style A go-to shop

Come in and grab a brim Welcome to Hattington's

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yes!

Hat on a hat, on a hat, on a hat

What could be better than that?

Sombrero, sombrero

Wish I were a sombrero

Instead I'm a lame beret

Three-million four-hundred Ways to hide your head

Why bother washing your hair

Just cover it instead

Am I a hat?

In my dreams I cover the whole head

Instead of being just a brim

He's fedorable

Yeah, yeah Unignorable

Yeah, yeah

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town

He's fedorable

-(SCREAMS) -(AUDIENCE GASPS)

-(GASPS) -Ahhh!

Ow!

Jonathan, Thad...

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

You're welcome.

Ow! Oh!

My ankle. And before our big love duet.

It's impossible to sing with a sprained ankle.

But it's the best song.

-I wanted my mom to see it, and... -Hailey, you could do it.

-You have an incredible voice. -Me?

But the nerves, the butterflies, the dragons.

I know. But once you start singing, that will totally go away.

Please?

I want to, but I'm sorry.

I just can't.

It's okay. I can do it by myself.

Kristine, sun hat costume, please.

But, Scott, you can't sing a duet by yourself.

Yeah. Well, they said man would never walk on the Sun either.

But those brave astronauts proved them wrong.

Break a leg, boyfriend.

Pillbox, Stetson, bonnet, balaclava,

shower cap, the Santa hat.

We're like pancakes and ice cream

Public pools and chlorine

(GASPS)

Like spaghetti and...

Like spaghetti and...

Um... Mango?

HAILEY: Going out on that stage in front of all those people

was the last place on Earth I would ever want to be.

But for some reason, at that moment, it didn't matter.

Because Scott needed my help.

Like spaghetti and... Like spaghetti and...

Like spaghetti and meatballs Are meant for each other

Or two puzzle pieces

BOTH: Like hot dogs and mustard

You, you fit me perfectly

Can't help but serenade ya 'Cause our love is tailor-made, yeah

You, you fit me perfectly

If I'm a lock, then you're the key You fit me perfectly

Yeah

You fit me perfectly Yeah, yeah

-Like pancakes and ice cream -Waffles and ice cream

BOTH: Anything and ice cream

You fit me perfectly

Oops.

-Yeah, Scott! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I owe it all to the hats.

Thanks for saving me out there, Hails.

And hey, you actually sang on stage in front of people.

Wait, I totally did.

And it was kind of awesome.

I think I want to do it again.

(ALL GASP)

KRISTINE: Becker! Stop!

We still have five more performances.

Why? The show is already a smash hit.

KRISTINE: Becker!

-(SMASHING CONTINUES) -(BECKER LAUGHS)

(CHORUS SINGING)

He's fedorable! Yeah, yeah!

Unignorable! Yeah, yeah!

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town!

With the softest brim A dented crown

He's the slickest lid in town!

He's fedorable!