Original subtitles

I think it's really sweet

that you're throwing this jewelry party for Tinsley.

I want my best friend and my girlfriend

to be able to hang out together.

We can. I mean, sure, it didn't go great at that sip 'n' paint.

I brought lemonade, she brought Banksy.

And you called her Porsche a "Porsh."

Only poor people do that.

But this is gonna be perfect.

-Just three girlfriends making friendship bracelets. -Mm.

-Yeah. -What could go wrong?

Sorry to barge, but can someone help with this?

Oh, I'll help.

-I love helping friends. -Wonderful.

Just bring it in and put it on the ottoman.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Oh, what is in here? Bricks?

No! Diamonds.

Good morning, Tinsley.

You're lovelier than Princess Dianá.

Whose booty did you have to plunder to get these?

They're for the jewelry party.

Where we dust our jewels.

But I thought... friendship bracelets.

Made of string?

String isn't jewels.

You do know that string isn't jewels, don't you?

We can do both.

You start weaving, and we'll start

dusting this necklace that looks like it came from the Titanic.

It did.

Wow! These are beautiful.

You like those?

-Take them. -Where?

Oh, you mean, like, to have.

-No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Please!

No, I couldn't possibly.

I mean, where would I even put them?

My earring baggie is already pretty full.

Take the earrings.

We'll get you another baggie.

Carly, I swear, if you don't take those,

I'm gonna toss them out the window at pigeons.

I beg you.

Harper, have you ever seen me beg?

Not in a way that is appropriate to talk about right now.

Carly, say yes. Yes! Or yup.

Or yeah, or suredledee-doo, or whatever you 99 percenters say.

Okay. Suredledee-doo.

Oh, wonderful. This calls for champagne.

Wow. I hope these weren't expensive.

I think they were, like, 80.

$80?

No. $80,000.

$80,000?

I can't.

Pirates!

♪ I know♪

♪ You see♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me♪

♪ And be so wonderful♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation♪

♪ It's your time to be♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one♪

♪ And the time to see the brighter side♪

♪ Of every situation♪

♪ Some things are meant to be♪

♪ So give your best and leave the rest to me.♪

And Tinsley was just so happy to sip on her fabulous wine

and polish her fabulous jewels.

-It was all just so... -Fabulous?

Exactly.

A perfect party. Thanks, Carly.

I finally feel like you two are gelling.

-It couldn't have gone better. -Totally.

I only fainted once.

Hey. That's not funny.

-I could have hit my head. -You didhit your head.

What?

No, I'm not laughing at your hilarious head injury.

Did you know if you type "funny cat videos" into Google,

there's a lot of stuff?

I'm making a piece for the Seattle Cat Museum's

-fundraising gala. -Hmm.

"The 20th annual Catillion

benefiting the cats of Seattle."

This year's guest of honor is someone named

- Archduke Lucius Snibbington. - Hmm.

Snibbles the cat?!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Spencer's gonna meet Snibbles.

Why don't you come with? You and Freddie can meet Snibbles, too.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Spencer, how about you and Millicent just go?

I feel like you two should spend more time together.

Ah, we just hugged.

I got to go. Tinsley's making her servants bite each other,

and I got $20 on Wellington.

Thanks again for the party, Carly.

And I'm glad you got a little something

for yourself, too.

Yes, a little something.

A meaningless trinket.

A trifle, really. Bye.

It is not a trifle!

I am in a deep, dark hole of anxiety.

Like the summer I spent in that well?

No, like the night Tinsley gave me $80,000 earrings.

-Lemony Snicket. -Whoa, mama. -Pirates.

What am I supposed to do with them?

Not go outside, that's for sure.

You're just going to leave them in a drawer forever?

No! I have to buy a safe.

I'm seeing a Groupon for two-for-one safes.

Does anyone else need a safe?

Hey, you're overthinking this, okay?

I'm sure Tinsley wanted you to have the earrings, and...

Holy friggin' what?!

You're right. You have no business with those.

-Maybe I can borrow... -Get back!

These are precious gems.

Uh-oh. Look, she's gone full Gollum!

How can I sleep in these earrings

knowing how much good $80,000 could do?

You're going to sleep in them?

No, I'm going to leave them out

for the burglars who watched me get two safes delivered. Think.

Look at these poor cats, living on the streets,

probably turning to booze and drugs.

Yeah. Just like the ones in the musical.

I know.

I can donate the earrings to the silent auction.

Then the cats get food and shelter, I can relax,

and Tinsley never has to know.

Goodbye, my precious.

Great. Let's go down to the Cat Museum

and make the donation right now.

I bet Snibbles will want to meet the young girl

who gave such an amazing gift.

I'm that girl.

We'll discuss the details in the car.

How long did it take me to get that smoothie?

Greetings, peasant.

I present to you the newly-constructed

Edin-fur-a Castle.

Ah, impressive.

Why aren't you coming to the gala?

Is it because you don't look good in a tux?

I look bad in a men's tux.

I look great in a youth XL.

It's actually because...

I'm kind of afraid of cats.

I guess it all started when I was a kid.

Remember that cat that was trapped

in the walls of the Bushwell?

I used to hear it yowling in the night.

Sometimes I still can.

You know what you need?

Feline exposure therapy.

What is feline expos...?

I don't like it!

I don't like it.

Well, then you're gonna hate when I rub my ass on you.

That's what cats do.

And this is the Paw-trait Gallery,

where we'll be hosting our silent auction

and our meet-and-greet with our VIP--

very important pussycat.

Is that where Snibbles is gonna be?

Why don't you go take a closer look?

This is the best day ever.

Wow, Myrtle.

Thank you for that private tour of the Cat Museum.

I had no idea there was a cat pope.

Who do you think converted the Swedes?

I'm just so relieved that you accepted my donation.

$80,000 earrings are just not me.

I mean, who am I? The cat pope's mistress?

We need more young people

to take an interest in feline issues.

It can't all be skateboards and climate change.

Your donation will save at least a dozen street cats

from booze and drugs.

God bless you, dear.

Wow, Carly.

You got me behind-the-scenes Snibbles content,

and you helped a charity.

Color me almost impressed.

That was the sweetest backhanded compliment ever.

I did a good thing.

I did a good thing.

You did a very bad thing!

A very bad thing!

She didn't even want the earrings.

She literally said she was going to throw them at pigeons.

That's just an expression she overuses because she thinks

that's what regular people do with their trash!

She probably doesn't even remember the earrings.

And besides, there's no way she will ever find out

that I donated them to the Catillion.

We're all going to the Catillion!

What? How?

What?

How?

Where is that little bebé you spend so much time with?

Millicent? Homework, a movie. Some type of movie homework.

I don't know.

You're going to make a great second mom.

Well, drat. I got stuck

in some chitty-chatty with the little thing,

and she was droning on and on about some Catillion.

So I bought a seat on the board of the cat charity

and a VIP table at the gala so we can all go with her.

The whole friend group, which includes me.

Oh, good. The thing I wanted so desperately

to happen is happening.

And the best part is, you'll get to debut your new earrings.

Do you know what this calls for?

-More champagne? -More champagne! Oh!

See? We're clicking.

Harper, I promise you I will get those earrings back

beforethe gala.

And I promise you... you'd better.

Spencer? You here?

Dude, why are the lights off?

Let the exposure therapy begin.

Check this out.

- No, thank you. - Okay.

♪ La-la-la-la...♪

Attack!

No, no, stop!

No!

Spencer!

No, no, don't you do it.

Stop. You stop.

Don't you... Stop.

That was your vase.

Meow! Okay, walk.

I'm doing this for Millicent. Aah! Oh.

I'm doing this for Millicent. I'm doing this for Millicent.

How do you stop me from scratching your face off?!

-Answer now! -I don't know!

Take control, or I will feast on your blood!

Um... I'm in charge!

-Excellent. -What?!

You understand me a little bit better now.

You will do as I command!

Oh, that was a mistake.

Huh?

No! No!

-Yeah, what do I want? -To ruin lives?

To make me pee myself?

Why is this so fun for you?!

You want to play.

That's exactly what I want.

Does this mean I'm ready?

-Not even close. Yay! -No! No!

It'll be easy to get the earrings back.

The little old lady in charge of the auction is obsessed with me.

Little old ladies always are.

-It's 'cause we speak the same language. -Oh.

It's called Granny Chat.

Sometimes I wonder why we're friends.

Okay, so I told Tinsley all I wanted

for our 14-week anniversary was to reunite The Beatles.

She doesn't know two of them are dead,

so we have some time.

You have to get those earrings back,

even if you have to steal them.

Stealing? But that's... wrong.

Why arewe friends?

Carly Shay, my angel.

It's almost too easy.

Hi, Myrtle.

Just in time. Look what I had made.

-Wow. -I hope you don't mind,

we photoshopped in little Butterscotch.

This tiny guy hasn't met a street drug he doesn't like.

I'm talking tango, jackpot, study buddies,

zow, kangaroo, Bob Cratchit.

And thanks to your donation,

we can finally afford to send him to rehab.

Say "thank you," Butterscotch.

"I love you, Carly.

You saved me when no one else would."

I love you, too, buddy.

Okay, funny story about the earrings.

I kinda need 'em back.

Right?

So get this.

My friend who gave me the earrings would be really mad

if she knew that I just gave them away,

and I don't want that.

I'll tell you what you don't want.

You don't want to wake up in the middle of the night,

cold and alone on a road you've never seen,

with no phone, no car,

no one to call for help, and no way to get home.

In what situation would that happen?

Let the cats keep the emeralds, and you never have to find out.

Come on, Butterscotch.

Let's finish setting up our auction.

Bad news. There is no way that I can...

Gah! Tinsley! Gah!

You look so beautiful.

Gah! So do you.

Is that a thing we're saying now?

We're giving it a spin.

Gah! Did you hear about The Beatles?

So sad.

Apparently, two of 'em died.

Carly, I just want to say, about the earrings I gave you...

Oh, you mean my most favorite gift I've ever received? Go on.

They're my way of saying how much it means to me

that you've made such an effort to be my friend.

-Oh. -Whenever you wear them,

think of my Naná Edná, who died clutching them.

Her most prized possession.

Toodles.

I'm gonna steal those earrings.

That's why we're friends.

We're gonna pull a jewel heist at a cat ball?

I guess I owe that carnival fortune teller an apology.

She told me I'd die in a parade accident.

Doesn't sound so bad right now.

Okay, Harper, you distract Tinsley from the auction table

while we pull the job.

Pull the job?

That's how criminals talk, doll.

With moxie.

Oi, can I talk like

I'm in a Guy Ritchie movie, love?

Okay, I'll talk like me.

Millicent, you're on Myrtle.

-Granny Chat her up. -What?

Talk about things she knows. Why is it so cold?

What's wrong with your generation? World War I.

I'll buy the earrings for you

if you can name three countries in that war.

Spencer, you're gonna create a massive distraction.

-I was think... -Bup, bup, bup.

I don't need tips on how to become the center of attention.

Carly, you saw how I overshadowed you

in all of our family photos.

You don't need me to do anything with cats, do you?

Not that that would be a problem if you did. I'm very brave.

You're gonna hack into the museum's security,

disable the alarms and the cameras

so I don't get caught. You have your laptop, right?

What? Why would I bring a computer to a...?

Yeah, I brought it.

Once the alarm's off, I'll grab the earrings,

wear them while I chat with Tinsley, fake appendicitis,

and then put the earrings back on the table

just in time for the auction.

Harper wins, the cats win,

even that bitch Myrtle wins.

It's foolproof.

I foresee no issues with this plan at all.

You all set?

I am cool as a cucumber, daddy-o.

Aw. Thanks for getting in on my moxie.

You're a square gee.

Oh.

Keep it together, Mills.

He's just a cat.

Lower your eyes.

You should all be bowing.

Remember when you said more young people need to take

an interest in feline issues? I'm 12, start talking.

It all began a long time ago when a young cat named Petey

helped the Wright Brothers invent jazz.

Here's to the kitties that live in our cities.

Now let's show them our...

-Harper! -Generosities.

Adios, cameras.

Why is he looking at me?

Welcome, lads and ladies.

I know you're all here to honor Archduke Snibbington,

aka Snibbles, but you've not yet met his court.

Yes, run, Cat Sajak!

Go, Puma Thurman!

Flee, Leonardo DeCatsmeow!

Oh, I am their god!

Okay, you mugs.

It's go time.

Need to disable... alarm.

They just want to play. They just want to play.

Thief, robber,

dog lover for all I know.

Harper, why are my earrings at the silent auction?

Did Carly give them away?!

I can't lie to you, my sweet.

I have no idea.

-Tinsley, I can explain. -This one really hurt, Carly.

And I've had Gloria Vanderbilt spike a volleyball

straight into my face!

Well, feline exposure therapy was a failure.

And I rubbed my butt on you and everything.

Yeah, you're a good friend.

-Aw. -I know. I don't say it enough,

-but I really do appreciate you trying... -No, shut up, it's a cat.

What?

It worked!

Okay, I can see by your face it did not work.

This hell fiend just crawled into my lap

because I'm holding his cushion.

Get a camera and Millicent. Get Millicent right now!

So, nine lives, huh?

That's nice to have in your back pocket.

You found Snibbles!

This is the best day ever, and you're the best dad ever.

Okay.

Great. Now let's do a silly one.

We can still get the earrings back.

Do you know how to do an Act of Congress?

Please stop.

I appreciate you trying,

but you and Tinsley are just too different to be friends.

It's fine.

No. We can make this work.

I'll just hang out with you two separately.

Tinsley and I will vacation in St. Barts,

and you and I will throw our trash at pigeons.

You are easily one of the most awful people I've ever met.

You have ruined this event.

And if Butterscotch relapses, that's on you.

Dang, no need to bring Butterscotch into this.

Who's Butterscotch?

Carly's tiny boyfriend with the fedoras?

Perhaps you're really the one to blame.

We never should have given you a seat on the board.

I was beguiled by your pretty face and your grotesque fortune,

but apparently you don't have the heart

or the integrity to represent our...

Myrtle, that is enough!

You can say what you want about me,

but Tinsley has been nothing but generous and gracious to me,

to your charity, and to the cats.

You are...

...mean!

Tinsley, I am so sorry

that I gave away your grandmother's earrings.

All I ever wanted was for the three of us

to be able to hang out together.

Carly, you strange little duck.

We come from different worlds,

but you stood up for me, and that's what matters.

That's what matters? It would have been cool to know that

before I committed grand larceny.

You didn't commit. You attempted.

Well, I'm committed to buying the earrings

for my dear friend Carly.

Naná Edná would have loved your moxie.

Well, I bet Naná and nan-I would have been great friends.

She also said you can have the earrings. So what do you say?

I know, but now I'm gonna have to get a bigger baggie.

I mean, thank you!

Oh!

-You look beautiful. -Thanks.

-I feel beautiful. -Hmm.

I get so tired of the food at these things.

It's always the same.

Yes, the same old... saucer of milk?

How are we supposed to...?

I like it.

Ooh!