Original subtitles

[clattering, metal creaking]

[motor whirring]

[engine starts]

[customs officer] Welcome back to the United Kingdom.

Where have you come from today, sir?

Uh, Holland.

[officer] It's the Holland ferry.

Can you be more precise, please?

Uh, yes. Amsterdam.

[officer] Business or pleasure?

Do I have to say?

[officer] I'll ask again. Business or pleasure?

Uh, pleasure.

[officer] On your way.

[vehicle door opens]

[door unlocks]

Took your time.

Seventy grand's worth. Right there.

Bloody hell, kid.

I never thought you'd actually go and do it.

[Lomper] I've remortgaged the café for this.

High stakes player, me, Vince.

This'll show Dennis what sort of a man I really am, hmm?

- Cheers. - [glasses clink]

Well, come on then.

[cooing]

[Lomper] As soon as she lays an egg, Vince,

we're gonna be rich.

[Vince] Ey up. The boyfriend's here.

[cooing]

[cooing grows louder]

This had better work.

This is every penny I've ever nicked.

[pigeon fancier] Never failed yet, mate.

You'll have an egg in ten days.

[chuckles]

[cooing]

[groans]

Should've laid by now, right?

May be discombobulated from travelling.

She's a racing pigeon.

Travelling's what they do.

[stammers] Weather's been bad. It affects 'em.

And hanging over her with a shotgun

ain't gonna relax her much, is it?

Listen, I raided the Christmas Club subs

for that there pigeon.

- There's a lot at stake here. - Yeah, well,

she doesn't know that, does she?

Then tell her!

[cooing continues]

- You heard. - [pigeon cooing]

Get laying.

Go on.

Go on.

[horn honking]

["Heavy Steady" playing on radio]

[scatting]

[horn honking]

[scatting continues]

[honking continues]

- [scatting continues] - [console beeping]

[Horse] Shit.

- [horn honking] - Oh. Oh, shit.

Shit. [grunting]

Oh! [screams]

- [tyres squealing] - Oh! Ah, shit!

[song continues]

[Horse screaming]

[horns blaring]

[sighs]

Come on, love. Gotta open up!

[Jean] All right, I'm comin'.

[Dave] Wow.

It's either the Oscars or parents' evening.

What you talking about?

You in your finery.

Well, you-- [sighs] You can't let yourself go, can ya?

[inhales sharply]

[footsteps departing]

- [sighs] - [Jean] Come on, love.

I thought you said we had a hurry on.

[Dave] I'm coming.

[horns honking]

[grunts]

- [horn honks] - [shouts]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[sniffs]

[spits]

[sighs]

[sighs]

- [phone beeps] - [Guy's partner] Guy, love,

hope the conference is good.

If you tell me what time you're back,

I'll make something nice. Just ring me, eh?

- Love you. - [horn blares]

All right, you cock! Just give us a sec.

[brakes squeal]

[seat belt clicks]

Horse?!

Are you there?

Yvonne! Hi!

It's all a bit Robinson Crusoe, this, isn't it?

Me battery's flat!

I'm on me way to, uh, a benefits assessment thingy in Castleford.

I'm that late, if I miss me slot,

they're gonna cut me bloody money!

- I'm going that way! - Are ya?

Hop in, Horse.

What did you do with the rest of Man Friday?

Oh, I cooked him and I ate him!

- [cackling] - [Yvonne laughs]

[cooing]

[sighs]

[Big Bill] Yeah. I've had a part exchange come in.

What's your best price on a 2007 Ford Focus?

Fifty quid scrap?

Okay. Well, unless I can find some idiot to buy it...

[chuckles] Yeah, well, you wouldn't want to be seen

driving that pile of junk anyway.

Tell you what. Give me 60, and I'll drop it round.

- Ta-ta. [inhales deeply] - [hangs up receiver]

["Oh Yes Baby I Love You So" playing on radio]

Lomper.

You don't want a car, do you?

No, thanks.

Be seated.

No, I'm--

He can always tell, can Bill.

[chuckles]

He got a sixth sense.

Should be on the telly.

I-I got a load of leads out.

Couple of bites from buyers abroad.

It's looking good.

But bird's a bit late laying.

I-I need an extra week.

The repayment.

The second instalment. Due today.

It's funny, Bill. The end bit's always the same,

but the first bit's always different.

[smacks lips] It's fascinating.

Yeah.

You're definitely the first person we've had

whose life has been endangered by a pigeon.

My life?

Oh, he exaggerates.

We'll give you an extra week.

Won't we, Bill?

'Course we will.

And to help you along, we'll give you a car.

I was thinking a nice 2007 Ford Focus.

Lovely little runner.

Lovely.

Five-hundred quid to you.

[song continues]

It's an elephant.

[florist, on phone] Lilies are a bit more expensive.

So what we talking? Total figure.

With the church, table decorations,

bridesmaids' posies, and the bouquets,

it's around about, uh, eight all in, I'm afraid.

Eight thousand?

[florist] Yeah.

[groans]

More flavour in the packaging.

[florist] Still there, Yvonne?

Mmm. [smacks lips] Yep.

Decision made. I want the lilies,

so I shall have the lilies. And, uh, Guy shall have a fit,

but, hey, you only get married once. Let's do it!

- [florist] On it. - [clicks button]

Weddings, Horse. A lot of bloody money.

Yeah. Eight grand for a wedding, eh?

No, that's just for the flowers, love.

Wow. [stammers] I never knew you and Guy were getting married.

Guy gave you an invite.

- Did he? - Yeah, you RSVP'd.

- Did I? - Said you were visiting

your rellies in Liverpool, couldn't come.

- But I haven't got no rel-- - Hey, what do you think

about this for a business idea? Botox Rocks.

- Is that a band? - Botox

and hot-stone treatments at the same time.

I've got the hypodermics and gel in my bag right here.

I'll do you a freebie!

Well, I've got to be at the assessment centre

- for, uh-- Yeah. - No bother.

Doesn't have to be today.

I've not got a lot on at the moment, to be honest.

Guy's busy with work, and I'm just

sort of waiting about for the baby.

I mean, there's the wedding, of course, but...

Sometimes I just... drive around.

It's nice having company.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

[assessor] Good, good. Next question.

Are you able to stand up independently?

Um, you've just asked me to sit down.

No, I mean as a rule at home.

Oh. Um...

well, I can't do it without me stick, you know?

'Cause, um, I sleep in the lounge now

because I find it difficult getting up and down the stairs.

But with the stick, you can stand up?

- Uh, yeah, yeah. - Good, good. So that's a yes.

Are you able to prepare and cook your own meals?

I like MasterChef, you know?

But, um, I think, like,

I'm--I'm more of a, uh, Pot Noodle man, if I'm honest.

But you could?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think so, yeah.

Good, good. I'm going to put another yes.

Uh, short journeys. How's your mobility?

I see you've managed to get here from...

Sheffield. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it wasn't easy, love, I'll tell ya.

We broke down on the-- on the-- the dual carriageway,

- like, I know-- - And yet, here you are.

So, well done, you.

It's another yes.

Good, good.

[laughter, indistinct chatter in distance]

[food truck attendant] Here you go, love.

£1.25, please.

[customer] Thank you.

[[indistinct conversation]

[dog barking in distance]

[Lomper] Yes!

- What you doin'? - [gasps, stammers]

Uh, nothin'.

Uh, we need another 20 litres of sunflower oil.

Not at 2:30 in the morning, we don't.

I'm just trying to help.

By waking me up?

S-Sorry.

[Lomper] We finally got a buyer.

He's coming over from South bloody Korea, Vince.

Sang-Chol, he's called. Mr Sang-Chol. I Googled him.

He's a-a software billionaire, apparently.

Knows his pigeons, oh, that--that's--that's right.

Has he paid you then, this Sang-Chol fellow?

First 20 grand banked. Oh, now we're talkin'.

- So, when can you pay me back? - Not just yet, Vince.

But there's another 20 once he's seen it,

and he's checked over all the paperwork and she's laid.

Yeah, and about that, when is she gonna lay?

Oh, any day now, Vince. Any day.

And I've named her. Lewis.

Like that detective off the telly?

No, like Lewis Hamilton.

Fastest pigeon in Europe, she were, in her day.

Yeah? Well, I wish she'd get a shift on.

She will, she will.

Trust me, Vince. Trust me.

[upbeat song playing on piano]

[brakes squeal]

[song continues on piano]

- Nice to meet ya. - [speaks Korean]

Mr Sang-Chol is very happy to make your acquaintance.

Oh. [stammers] Well, me too.

[speaks Korean]

My name is Mun-Hee.

[stammers] Lomper. Pleased to meet you.

This is a great day for Mr Sang-Chol.

He's most desirous of seeing

the eggs of the propitious pigeon.

Uh, the propitious pigeon hasn't actually laid yet.

[speaking Korean]

No?

No.

- [speaks Korean] - [speaks Korean]

[motor whirring]

[cooing]

[shutter clicks]

Just tea bags.

[cupboard door closes]

[shutter clicks]

[speaking Korean]

Mr Sang-Chol will stay at the hotel until Lewis has laid.

You will pay for the unheralded extension to his stay.

- Oh, right. - If you need to contact him,

he is in the presidential suite.

[stammers] That--That's nice.

[clatters]

[speaks Korean]

[door creaks]

He don't look like the sort of fucker you mess with.

[sighs]

I can't force her to bloody lay.

[pants] I didn't know they even had a presidential suite.

[cooing]

I've been thinking.

What if she's a ringer?

She isn't. I got all the paperwork and everything.

- Paperwork. - Yeah.

- Paperwork? - Yeah.

You can do owt on a computer these days.

- Oh. - And what about

that male pigeon? Shooting blanks, maybe.

No, he's famous. He's sired half of Britain's best racers.

Oh, we can all have our rough days on that front.

- Oh. - Ask Ellie.

- On second thoughts, better not. - [sighs]

[stammers] If she hasn't laid by tomorrow,

I'll take her to see Reg, yeah?

At least get her checked over by a specialist.

Oh, come on, Mrs Pigeon.

It doesn't take that long to lay a bloody egg.

Come on. Get on with it.

[cooing]

[Revenge Choir] What is this I see? ♪

- Oh! ♪ - You don't come home to me ♪

Oh, no! ♪

♪ When you don't come home to me, can't deal, can't bear ♪

♪ You keep tellin' me lies ♪

But to your surprise ♪

♪ Look, I hope you're happy ♪

♪ Since you're caught out there ♪

♪ I hate you so much right now! ♪

♪ I hate you so much right now! ♪

[shouting]

♪ I hate you so much right now! ♪

♪ I hate you so much right now! ♪

[knocks]

[singing continues]

Hey.

It's harassment. It's musical bullying.

It is pretty good though, isn't it?

Yeah, but that's not the point, Mr Amagee.

Not at all.

Hey, Jean.

Have you thought more about, you know, what I said?

Thought about it? Dil, I've thought about nothing else.

- And? - Oh, Christ. I don't know.

I don't wanna sneak around anymore, you know?

- [singing continues] - It's--It's not us. It's wrong.

It's deceitful.

- We need to be honest. - Yeah, I know.

Even if it hurts people we care about.

I know.

♪ But to your surprise, look, I hope you're... ♪

[birds chirping]

Come on, now. Give me some good news.

There's a love.

- [groans] - I booked the vet's for 1:30,

so you better get going.

I need to nip to the bog first.

Terry's blocked it again. Gone for the plunger.

[groans] Well, I'm gonna have to stop off at the café.

Yeah? Well, don't be late.

I wanna know what the hell's going on with that bird.

Okay.

You want more lettuce?

Yeah, if it's not a problem.

Problem? No. No.

Not at all.

Dennis. I've got this letter.

Oh, won the pools, have we?

It's from the Benefits Agency.

They're telling me that I'm fit for work,

and I don't quite know how to--

I'm right busy, Hor--

Here.

[groans] I'm not stayin'.

Where have you been?

Cut some more lettuce, will ya?

It says you're a fit and functioning member of society.

- Congratulations. - But I can't even--

Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Yes! The lettuce.

[groans]

Now where's he gone? [sighs]

Oh, not on the prep table!

How many times?

[sighs]

[cooing]

Oh! [groans]

Oh, go on! Out! Out!

- [pigeon squawks] - [Dennis groans]

Dirty fucking things!

[sighs]

- [door opens] - [toilet flushes]

- [groans] - [door closes]

Ooh, that's better. Caught short there.

I have told you one million times...

- I'm just gonna-- - ...shut that back door.

I have just had a bloody pigeon in here.

- A pigeon? - Imagine if the health inspector

had been on patrol. He'd have shut us down.

What--

- Where is it? - [Dennis] What?

- The pigeon. - In the salad.

- [customer] Excuse me? - [Dennis] Nearly there!

Your bloody Majesty.

- [Lomper] Where's the-- - I've shooed it out!

What do you think?

- What-- Out? - [Dennis] Yes.

But-- W-W-Where did it-- If it went-- Which--

If you're having a stroke, could you wait

till the lunch rush is over?

[dish clatters]

- [door bells jingle] - [panting]

[gasps]

[Horse] Hey, Lomps.

- Lomps, I've got this letter. - [pants] Oh, no.

- I don't know what to do. - Not now, Horse.

Um, oh, all right. All right.

[panting, whimpering]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[panting, whimpering continues]

Lomper, I called the vet.

I know you never showed.

Just so you know,

the last person who double-crossed me

lost both his kneecaps.

Call me! Urgently!

I hope you know the Korean for "fuck up", love.

'Cause we've got one.

- Where are you? - [door bells jingle]

I had to do the whole lunch rush on me own. Call me.

Honestly.

[sighs] What can I get you, gentlemen?

Lomper. You can get us him.

He's not in.

[Big Bill] Oh, dear.

Bill.

[clicks tongue] Indeed.

[inhales deeply] Personal question, so, you know,

feel free not to answer it.

But married, are ya? You and Lomper?

We are, as a matter of fact. Yes.

Ah, so what's yours is his. What's his is yours.

- Mmm. - For richer, for poorer.

Ain't that how it goes?

Uh, I seem to remember something similar

from the marriage vows, yes.

Well, that is a big relief. Isn't it, Bill?

- Relief? - Huge.

'Cause your husband owes us £17,500.

He what?

And if he hasn't paid the next instalment

by the end of the week,

plus the one that he's just missed...

well, then we're coming to get it from you.

- This? - Mmm.

We'll see you soon.

Ta-ra.

- [Little Bill] Mmm. - [door bells jingle]

That was fuckin' lovely.

[door slams]

We're going to have to close. [panting]

Now. Personal circumstances.

- So sorry. - Well, I was in the middle

of a very interesting conversation

with a Nigerian lawyer.

Apparently, I've been left some money in a will.

- Come on. Out you get. - [muttering]

Okay, thank you.

- So sorry. Bye, bye, bye. - [customer mutters]

[sighs]

[Lomper] I can't get to me phone, so leave me a message.

[phone beeps]

Lomper, what the hell is going on?

[panting] Where are you?

[door bells jingle]

[sighs] Sorry, we're closed.

I said we're--

[door closes, door bells jingle]

[speaks Korean]

Mr Sang-Chol is not interested in a cup of tea.

Mr Sang-Chol is interested in the whereabouts of Mr Lomper.

Who are you?

Mr Lomper owes Mr Sang-Chol a lot of money.

He does?

How much?

- You, out. - Gladly.

- [door bells jingle] - This place is a madhouse.

- Oh, my God. - [door closes]

He's not upstairs.

[gasps, yelps]

So, where is the bastard?

[thunderclap]

[thunder rumbling]

- [line ringing] - Amsterdam?

- [person on phone] Hello? - Oh, hello.

Um, it's Dennis Godfrey here.

- Uh, yes, Lomper's husband. - Ah, right.

[inhales sharply, stammers] Who am I speaking to, please?

This is Richard.

Richard?

As in Lomper's Uncle Dickie, Richard?

Yes.

But...

...you're dead.

- Is he here? - Who?

Oh, don't give me that. I've seen the way you look at him.

- My husband, that's who. - Lomper?

- Oh, so you do know. - Mate, you just told me.

Enjoy Amsterdam, did ya?

- Amsterdam? - Ah, so you admit it.

I'm not understanding the rules of this conversation at all.

[Yvonne] Guy?

Do you know what your boyfriend gets up to, Yvonne?

Eh, do you? His proclivities, hmm?

Do I know Guy's bisexual and went out with Lomper

25 years ago? Yeah, I do.

Oh.

Very modern, I'm sure.

Dennis, mate, what's up?

He's gone, Guy.

He's got somebody else.

It's all been a tissue of lies.

[Dennis sighs]

[grunts]

I might have known I'd find you here.

[Lomper] Best view in Sheffield.

Oh. I'm sorry, Dennis.

I guess you know.

If you mean Amsterdam, oh, yes, I know.

- Right. - And the remortgage.

Uh-huh.

So how much of our money have you frittered away,

you old fool?

About 70 grand, give or take.

70 grand?

Oh. Well, that's us bust, good and proper.

Got a name, this dirty, little secret of yours, eh?

- Lewis. - Lewis, oh?

[chuckles] Nice.

- Where'd you meet him? - Her.

[groans] Worse and worse.

Online.

So predictable.

I've been looking for a couple of years.

You think I didn't notice

all those late-night sessions on the computer?

Disgusting.

Picked her up in Amsterdam.

Had to smuggle her in, like.

Trafficking?

Jesus Christ, Lomper.

I were trying to breed from her.

You swore blind you never wanted kids.

Just not with me, it seems.

[stammers] Lewis is

a Northern Light Black Busschaert.

You think I care what you call the bitch?

A pigeon.

Right. I know that.

Hang on a sec.

You spent 70 grand on a bloody pigeon?

You really are a fucking idiot.

Well, wh-who's the fucking idiot

who kicked it out the kitchen door, eh?

[grunts] Oh.

[Dave] What? This is what we're looking for?

Oh, yeah. Now, I think I've seen this one in the bins

round the back of the school with all its mates.

It's a pigeon.

- Answers to the name of... - Health hazard.

Pecker.

Lewis, if you must know.

Like Lewis Hamilton?

Yeah. Like Lewis Hamilton.

- 'Cause she's fast? - Brilliant, Horse.

It's all about the tyre changes, apparently.

You got slicks, uh, wets, intermediates--

Shut up, you.

- [laughs] - What?

Laugh all you like, but there's a thousand-pound reward

for the person who finds her.

A grand? For a flying rat?

If that's the reward, then what's she worth?

My life, literally.

He really lights up a room, doesn't he?

Come on then.

["Needle In A Haystack" playing]

- Well, well, I once believed ♪ - [cooing]

Too late, too late ♪

[cooing]

Too late, too late ♪

♪ Girls, you'd better get yourselves on the right track ♪

♪ 'Cause findin' a good man, girls ♪

♪ Is like findin' a needle in a haystack ♪

- What'd I say, girl? ♪ - ♪ Needle in a haystack ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[singers vocalising]

[cooing]

As far as I can tell, any of them could be Lewis.

- Or none of them. - Or none of them.

[Destiny] Lewis!

Lewis!

Well, I don't know, do I?

I don't mind looking daft for a grand.

♪ They'll tell you that their love is true ♪

[both] Lewis!

- [Destiny] Lewis! - [Cal] Lewis!

- [Tabani] Lewis! - [Dave] Lewis!

♪ Is like findin' a needle in a haystack ♪

What did I say, girl? ♪

♪ Needle in a haystack, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[singers vocalising]

[Dennis groans]

What kind of celebrity bird would hang out here?

Before you leave ♪

Bottom line, a pigeon's a pigeon.

Yeah, though some silly fucker would still pay £70,000 for one.

Uh, look, I thought, you know, go big or go home.

I would go home, but you've remortgaged it!

The real betrayal is the deception and the lies.

Not a word to me after 22 years.

- Well, you'd only have said no. - Seventy grand on a thing

with feathers you can't even wear on a Friday night?

- You're damn right I would. - Yeah, you have no faith in me.

None at all. You never have had.

You think I'm usel-- [groans]

[groans]

♪ Is like findin' a needle in a haystack ♪

What did I say, girl? ♪

Needle in a haystack ♪

This is ridiculous.

How many CEOs are out looking for pigeons, do you think?

♪ Needle in a haystack, you better... ♪

I only went out with Lomper for a few months.

Boy, have I paid for that.

Nope.

[sighs] I've got way too much on for this.

♪ When he leaves you alone, girl ♪

- Needle in a haystack ♪ - What did I say, girl? ♪

- [Tabani] Lewis! - [Dave] Lewis!

- [Destiny] Lewis. Lewis. - [Dave] Lewis.

[Cal] Lewis. Lewis.

[Tabani] Lewis.

[song ends]

[Destiny sighs]

Oh, don't tell me Lewis is in there getting a bit of shopping.

Nah, it's menswear.

See this hoodie?

Is that--

[scoffs] I don't know.

Could I wear that?

- Guess so. Why not? - Mmm.

You'd be bang on trend with that, Mr Horsfall.

- You're not taking the piss? - No.

All right. I'll catch you up.

[all chuckling]

[pigeons cooing]

I can see you moving.

What?

Oh, Garry.

I thought you was one of them living statues.

- You're not, are you? - No.

Funny way to earn a living, if you ask me.

You wanna get yourself a proper bloody job.

Not that there are any proper bloody jobs anymore.

I'm looking for a pigeon.

Not often I say this about you,

but you have a success story on your hands here, kid.

No. A particular pi--

Andy.

Don't move.

I don't much these days.

[cooing]

I've got it.

I'm a grand up.

[laughs]

[Gaz sighs] Stood there most of the day, I was.

One particular little bugger on me head most of the time.

- [chuckles] - Still, worth it.

Do you do cash, Lomps?

[Lomper grunts]

[sighs] That's not her.

It is.

Got the thingy on its leg.

Has to be. Look, the tag.

Tag's from Barnsley Loft.

You sure?

Looks nowt like her, Gaz.

Great.

Pigeon shit all over me jacket.

[door chimes]

[pop music playing on speakers]

[sighs]

I see you're hiring.

Uh, yeah.

How are you with cappuccinos, frappuccinos, espressos, mochas?

I can do coffee.

[door chimes]

[Horse sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[typing]

Hiya.

[typing continues]

Hiya, love.

Been out?

Yeah.

[typing continues]

I have.

Mmm.

So, uh...

what do you think?

Of what?

- The-- The togs. - Hmm?

Oh. Been raiding the lost property box again?

No, no. I went shoppin'.

Did ya?

What for?

Well, uh... smarten up a bit.

Oh.

[grunts] Good for you.

Um, listen, I've, um, gotta...

- Uh, there's, um... - [typing]

half a-- half a lasagne left in the, uh...

...in the, uh-- in the kitchen...

[typing continues]

if you're, uh-- you're hungry.

[typing continues]

[shop worker] Sorry, man. I hope you find something.

[sighs]

[groans, sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[bells jingle]

[Lomper] No, couldn't find her.

[bells jingle]

I know I moan about this place a lot...

...but I will miss it.

It's more than a café. It's a place where people come.

I mean, who else is gonna give Horse free cake?

[stammers] You give him free cake?

Of course I do.

He hasn't got two pennies to rub together, has he?

Where are folks like him gonna go when we shut, eh?

Do you think Costa and Starbucks are gonna give them free cake?

It had a purpose, this place.

I had a purpose.

How did we come to this, Lomper?

[stammers]

I don't know.

All that debt, the risk.

Those people in cheap leather jackets.

I mean, I say leather.

[sighs]

What possessed you?

I wanted you to notice me.

Well, mostly, I'm invisible.

Then, every once in a while, you spot I'm here,

and there's this look crosses your face

like you really don't like me anymore.

Well, I do.

You said you want-- wanted adventure in therapy that time.

Uh, I thought with Lewis,

maybe I could do something a bit adventurous,

something to surprise you, to make you proud of me.

The surprise bit worked.

I mean, every couple has their ups and downs, right?

When was the last up?

Old Andy's 70th.

[stammers] That's only 'cause you put Gaz's cocaine

on your dinner.

[chuckles]

Best chips I've ever had.

That were eight years ago, Den.

Really?

I disappoint you.

I do. I wish I didn't, but I do.

[sighs]

I'll go sleep up on Edge.

You never know. She may come back.

But even if she don't, you deserve better, Dennis.

[door bells jingle]

[crying]

[Destiny] ♪ The not-so-funny put-down jokes ♪

♪ The not-so-subtle trying to lech through my clothes ♪

The not-so-accidental gropes ♪

♪ No, you've not pulled, do not get your coat ♪

♪ Tie 'em in knots, grab 'em by the throat ♪

♪ Throw 'em in traffic on Ecclesall Road ♪

♪ Check the status quo, I'ma do it on my sen ♪

♪ Patriarchy full of creeps, they're not your friend ♪

He's creepy ♪

He's creepy, creepy, creepy ♪

Creepy, creepy-- ♪

- [music stops] - Get out me room!

- You're scaring the neighbours. - Get out my fucking room!

[chuckles] See, that's what I'm talking about, innit?

If I start sharing the rent with your mum,

then... is it your fucking room?

Discuss.

Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here.

Your mum and I love each other.

You don't like that. I get it.

So, 500 is a deposit on a room somewhere.

And you can stop paying me back for the windscreen.

My mum know you're trying to blackmail me

out me own house, does she?

[chuckles]

And who do you think she's gonna believe?

[Brian inhales sharply]

[sighs] Worked out well last time, didn't it?

[sighs]

[keys jangle]

[power plug thuds]

Oh. No hurry.

[pigeons cooing]

Vince.

Vince, I've seen her near the stadium!

Call Dennis for me!

- [whistle blows] - Let's go.

Make sure the ball gets to feet. Let's have good headers.

[chattering]

Gaffer, gaffer.

I'm not good with heights, Vince.

Not-- Not good at all.

No? Then how about I don't push you off

if you get the bird?

Deal.

Come on. Lewis.

Lewis. Come on, Lewis.

Come on. Come on.

Since when's a pigeon turn its beak up at grain?

She's a quality bird, Vince. I've always said so.

[Dennis] Lomper! What are you doing?!

Come down!

No!

Please, don't be an idiot!

I'm-- I'm not! I-I've found her!

Lewis!

Oh, no.

[Mr Sang-Chol speaking Korean]

Mr Sang-Chol would prefer that Mr Lomper comes to Earth.

Yeah, me too, darling. Me too.

She's gone down here, Vince. I'm sure of it.

I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm right behind ya.

[speaking Korean]

He says that at least it would be an honourable death.

Right. Well, you tell him another comment like that,

and I'll bloody drop him. That's my man we're talking about.

- [Mr Sang-Chol speaking Korean] - [Dennis] Lomper!

[Mun-Hee speaking Korean]

I found her, Vince!

I think I know why she's not coming.

[sighs] Oh, let me guess.

The grain's not fucking organic.

No, I know exactly why.

- Come on. Come on. - [coos]

[Dennis] Lomper!

Lomper, what the hell are you doing?!

[Mr Sang-Chol speaking Korean]

- [groans] - [Vince] Lomper, get back here!

Jesus, now what's he doing?

[Mr Sang-Chol speaking Korean]

[grunting]

[Dennis] Lomper, what the hell are you doing?!

[gasps] I think she's laid!

I don't care!

For God's sake, come down!

No. Whatever happens, you're not losing Grand Pain.

Grand Pain. How many times?

[Lomper] What?!

Look, I don't care about Le Grand--the café.

I don't care about anything except you!

[voice breaking] I love ya.

[grunts]

Really?

- Oh! - Lomper!

[Lomper grunting]

[Dennis] Lomper!

- [grunting continues] - Come down, for God's sake!

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunting]

[mouthing words]

We have eggs!

Yes. Yes!

[grunting]

[grunting]

- [sighs] - [Lomper sighs]

[panting]

Is that enough adventure for ya?!

- [Vince laughing] - [Dennis groans]

[both laughing]

["Love Really Hurts Without You" playing]

[applause, cheers]

- Oh, Lomper! - ♪ You run around town ♪

♪ Like a fool and you think that it's groovy ♪

Hey, no, Dennis.

Dennis, Dennis, wait, wait. No, no, no!

Oh, you daredevil!

- [Dennis grunts] - [eggs crack]

[song stops]

[Lomper whimpers, pants]

[both gasp]

[Dennis] Oh.

[Lomper groans]

[gasps]

[sighs]

[both sigh]

[Dennis groans]

[Vince groans]

- [gasps, laughs] - Game on!

- [all laughing] - [song resumes]

- [gasps] - [onlookers cheer]

[Dennis] Oh!

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Love really hurts without you ♪

♪ And it's breaking my heart, but what can I do, baby? ♪

♪ Baby, love really hurts without you ♪

♪ Baby, love really hurts through and through ♪

♪ And it's breaking my heart, but what can I do, baby? ♪

♪ Baby, love really hurts without you ♪

[song fades out]