Original subtitles

♪

I'm flossing! I'm flossing!

Yeah, you're actually kind of good at that.

Bella, hello! Check this out.

Uh... Oh, yeah, cool. Good stuff, guys.

Bella, what's wrong?

It's my head.

I think my soft spot's coming back.

- What? - [squishing sounds]

Jesus!

Don't you have to see a doctor or something?

- [grunting in pain] - What are you doing?

I gotta "poppa da dent out," like my dad used to say.

- What was he, Italian? - No, close... Jamaican.

- Gotcha. - Wait, wait, I got an idea.

Hey, can you, like...

squeeze my head really hard, like you're popping a pimple

- and pop it back out? - Yes, 100%.

I just feel like it's sinking into my brain more now.

Okay, it's not. You're fine.

- Um, geez... like this? - [squishing sounds]

No, you're pushing! You need to squeeze.

Squeeze harder!

- Get the dent. - I'm trying!

Shane, can you come give it a stab?

Get outta here. Gimme that!

Ohh, yeah! That's a good squeeze!

That's a good fuckin' squeeze.

Oh, it feels good for me, too.

Come on, you gotta poppa da dent out!

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, you're taking me to Squeeze Town!

[screaming]

[pop]

[all exhaling in relief]

[coughs]

Much better. Much better.

Yeah. Hey, woo-whoop!

Check this out.

- You're so good at that. - Yeah!

I'm doin' it!

[theme music]

♪

♪ I'm a different person now ♪

♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪ There's an elephant... ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪

NARRATOR: This is the story of the greatest coach

to ever grace the hardwood.

With more championship rings than fingers on his hands,

this is Phil Jackson: The Zen Master.

I should have brought my rings.

[inspirational music]

♪

Phil?

God, he was more than a coach, you know?

He was a mentor.

♪

♪

- [whistle blows] - Play ball!

Okay, they're already playing. Okay, let's go, Bulls!

Oh, you missed that one. That's okay.

People call me the greatest of all time.

The GOAT. [chuckles]

I don't know about that, but Phil,

he was the greatest coach of all time.

Bulls, go Bulls!

Without a doubt, without a doubt.

Air ball!

Aaand, gimme that!

That went on, though. Good one, Jordan, continue.

Play ball, play ball. Go, Bulls!

You thought I was wild? He was the wild one.

Rodman, Rodman, Rodman!

Pass to me, pass to me, pass to me, pass to me!

Play, play ball. Play ball. [blows whistle]

He was like a mad scientist,

but more mad than scientist.

Defence, da-da-do, defence, boom-boom.

Let's go in... And, okay, you got it!

Unconventional? I guess you could say that.

-Wag your tongue like a dog. Wag it!

I didn't care if my tactics were unorthodox, though.

I knew, controversial or not, I always planned for success.

-[imitates buzzer noise]

Is that messing you up? Do you not like that?

I'll leave you alone.

What would my legacy look like without Phil?

Lemme put it this way...

Bad.

Dribble it, dribble it, bounce it, give it to J-Bone!

- Who's J-Bone? - Jordan!

No one calls him that.

Well, you knew who I meant!

Pippen, now, he was a really good player.

-Pippen, really good.

Jordan? Oh my.

He was a really, really good player.

-And, yes! Ha-ha! Really, really good.

Give it to him. Two points... for us!

And Rodman?

Well, he was our rebound guy.

-Worm man! Rebound.

Always on your toes.

He was a tyrant. [chuckles]

But dammit if it didn't pay off.

Hey! Hey, hey, two of those.

One time I had gone up to him to say hi...

and it wasn't him.

He had hired a man that looked like him

and he introduced himself as Bill Jackson.

Not Phil, Bill Jackson.

And he got away with it too!

Phil was a master motivator.

-Are you a bouncer guy, too? You can bounce it?

He knew exactly what to say at the right time

to get the most out of everybody.

Hey, is that Eugene Levy?

Oh-ho, I'm better than you!

I'm way older than you, and I'm better.

The way he was with the coaching staff?

It was magical.

-See Jordan? Should we ask him to score?

-What's that guy's name in the middle there?

Not the big guy that I hate... that guy.

Bulls! Go, Bulls!

Quick anecdote.

Game was on the line.

Two seconds on the clock.

I said, "Give it to Jordan."

We won that game.

[inspirational music]

♪

WOMAN: Ugh, I effing need this night out.

ANGIE: Tell me about it.

Who do you think's gonna be there tonight?

-Oh, well, definitely Jake because he's a big suck-up.

Knock-knock, who's ready to party?

There you are. We gotta get going.

Wait... why are you guys dressed like that?

Uh, it's a Halloween party. Duh!

No, I mean like with the huge tits and stuff.

You're joking, right?

-You have to know what this costume is, Jodie.

-Oh my God, she's not joking.

- We're Grandma Milkbags! - Yeah, Grandma Milkbags.

I'm actually Sexy Grandma Milkbags.

Holy shit, she's never heard of Grandma Milkbags.

Do you live on the fucking Moon?

Okay, can someone just tell me

what the hell Grandma Milkbags is?

Just the most popular show on the fucking planet, Jodie.

JODIE: Okay, so it's a TV show?

Yeah! Grandma Milkbags!

She's like... insane.

She'll fuck anybody.

- Huh? - It's Canadian.

But also, she has huge fucking honkers.

- [fly buzzing] - Okay, I'm confused.

So they call this lady "Grandma Milkbags"?

- Isn't that kind of mean? - No, no, no.

It's what she likes. She wants that!

I'm like shocked that you've never heard of it.

ANGIE: Can we just go? We're gonna be so late, guys.

JODIE: Wait, wait, wait, I don't know if I wanna

go out with you guys dressed like that.

Everyone's gonna think you're nuts.

You think so, huh?

-Um, yes. Kind of.

[phone rings]

Hey, Deborah, what are you wearing tonight?

DEBORAH: [phone] Um, a Grandma Milkbags costume?

- What kind of... - [hangs up phone]

See? Do you not trust me?

Of course I trust you. You're my fucking life, Angie.

Let's just go to the party and drop this, okay?

No, no, no. Listen.

[ominous music]

Grandma Milkbags.

Grandma... Milk... Bags.

Okay, yes, I understand, I get it, let's go.

Grandma Milkbags...

Grandma Milkbags.

Grandma Milkbags...

Okay, you guys are fucking scaring me right now.

- Grandma Milkbags, Jodie. - Can you...

- Grandma Milkbags! - Grandma...

- Guys, stop. - Grandma Milkbags...

You're hitting me with your nipples.

- Grandma Milkbags. - Grandma Milkbags.

[overlapping repeating voices] Grandma Milkbags...

- Guys, stop it, please! - Grandma...

- Milk... - Bags...

Do you not trust me, Jodie?

I'll watch it!

I'll watch every single season, I promise!

- Get out of my face! - [doorbell rings]

[ominous music]

[doorbell rings twice]

[ominous music]

Can you girls keep it down?

Now, that's a Grandma Milkbags!

[boing sound effect]

Who?

♪ Everybody bounce up and down ♪

♪ It's Grandma Milkbags! ♪

[rapping] ♪ They say age before beauty,

but she has them both ♪

♪ This granny's so hot, she turns bread to toast ♪

♪ Can't judge a book by its cover

or the edge of its spine ♪

♪ You just blow off the dust when she lookin' this fine ♪

♪ Like a vintage wine... ♪

♪

NARRATOR: The Zen Master.

What was coming to mind when you think of Phil?

Uh, cool, calm, zen.

Total, uh, control.

♪

♪

Idiots. Get the fuck away from me.

Are you drunk? You drunk?

You're out of bounds, Pippen!

I, uh, once watched him coach a game

and he was wearing those big glasses

that make it look like your eyes are open when they're not,

and he was, uh, sleeping.

They won by 40 points that game.

What's going on here now?

Yes, Jordan! Ha!

I was a student of the game.

That's what it all came down to.

Learning, absorbing the decades of strategy

that every coach before me already experimented with.

Like if Rodman wanted to shoot a three, I'd say,

"Maybe let Kerr do that."

Yes, give it to him!

Hey, shoot that three.

And... yes!

- Hurray! - There we go!

PHIL: Good three-pointer!

Look at me shoot that three.

It's worth three points, and good job.

Three claps for me.

But if Kerr wanted to get a rebound, I'd say,

"Remember when Rodman let you shoot that three?"

Then of course Kerr would oblige.

Sometimes it felt like he didn't even know

what he was doing. Pretty cool.

I know I'm Michael Jordan,

but Phil never pandered to the stars.

You're cut, Jordan. I'm kidding.

Best player on the team.

Best player in the world.

Everyone was equal to Phil.

Kerr? Kerr, Kerr...

Kukoc? You're doin' it.

Kukoc, now, that's a... That's a mouthful.

Getting his name right, that was, uh, that was hard enough.

There you go, Kuky!

But I knew that he could score sometimes.

They had just beaten Reggie.

I go up to shake his hand and he says, "Ha ha ha,

"my team is better than yours!

"I'm better than your brother!"

Then he moonwalks away, but it wasn't even a moonwalk.

He kind of shuffled his feet backwards and called it a day.

MICHAEL: Phil's sense of humour is deep.

Uh, you've gotta kinda hang around him

to kind of get to know him, but, uh...

our little family within the locker room,

we got to know each other very well,

and we really appreciated Phil's humour

because he made us laugh all the time.

I like to keep things light.

Unless it's the championship.

Then I'm a bit of a hard-ass.

Phil, uh, Phil was, uh...

Yeah, he lost his composure.

A couple times.

No! No! No!

Oh, fuck, we fucked up. Somebody passed to Luc.

Fuck, no! No!

Luc...

I don't even wanna talk about that asshole.

-Gimme that! Pow!

Ball. Nice pass, asshole.

Phil kicked the ball really well.

See this ball? Pretend it's a hot potato.

And if, heaven forbid, you find the potato in your hand,

you give it to literally anyone else!

And don't worry, all the other good guys in this scenario,

they're wearing oven mitts

so they can handle the heat of the potato.

You understand the words comin' outta my mouth?

I honestly can't talk about him.

It makes me mad just thinking about him.

Run it again. [blows whistle]

Fuck!

He was big, but he was ugly.

The only thing uglier than him was his game.

[chuckles] That's a little joke.

You can keep that in.

You can show that to Luc if you see him.

No, but I really hate him.

-Yeah, okay, last play, and then we're gonna, uh,

hit the showers.

Including me. Just kidding.

Was Phil Jackson a good coach?

No. No.

♪

And another one for you, my lady.

Ooh, I wonder what it is!

Oh my gosh, Kevin, these are beautiful.

I love them so much. Thank you!

- Now one for you! - Mm-hm?

This one.

[giggles]

[jazzy Christmas music playing on stereo]

I just thought maybe it would help with...

What I do in the bathroom is my business, Cloe.

- This gift sucks ass! - [dramatic music]

Kevin, please, you're making yourself sick!

Bullshit!

I'll show you making myself sick.

Kevin! Kevin, just read it!

Kevin, no, no!

Kevin, don't eat that soap in there!

KEVIN: Too late! You stressed me out.

CLOE: [knocks on door] Kevin, open up!

Just read it, okay? For me?

Tastes so fuckin' good...

CLOE: I can hear you eating soap in there!

Kevin, come on, open up!

Just read it, won't you?

Oh, I'm reading it, alright.

Very interesting!

CLOE: You're so stubborn. It's Christmas morning!

Stop eating soap? Make me, you fucking book!

[knocking on door]

CLOE: Kevin, open this door right now!

You're just like your mother!

- You're pregnant? - That's right.

We're having a baby, you soap-eating son of a bitch.

I'm gonna be a dad.

CLOE: [knocks on door] Kevin!

I'm busy! [sighs]

♪

NARRATOR: The Zen Master.

[whistle blows]

Throw it around.

One time, he coached a game from the stands.

Didn't talk to anybody and just ate three hot dogs.

Plain. No ketchup.

And they still won by 45 points.

What a guy! Ha-ha!

[inspirational music]

♪

There's squares, there's rectangles,

but triangles?

Where do I come up with this stuff?

I'll tell you where...

My brain.

I have a smarter brain than most people.

Which makes me smart.

He did all the little things.

Pushed us out of our comfort zone.

Dribble, dribble, back and forth, back and forth!

He gave us room to breathe. Extremely hands-off.

Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!

And... yup! It's okay, you can miss.

Phil had this calm about him.

I'm gonna pretend to guard you. Pants down, nope!

MICHAEL: All the intensity,

the bravado around the game,

it floated over him.

Luc, D me up. I'm going for a layup.

Psych! Hey! Hi, Mom!

Oh, my mom's here!

Boom goes the dynamite.

I invented that, you know.

That viral video clip?

That was me who came up with that.

He cried a lot.

Big crier, Phil Jackson.

If they lost, he would cry for sure, but if they won,

most of the time, too.

[sighs] He wasn't gonna make it easy for us...

but we had faith in him to get it done.

Ever see a master chef at work?

Somehow taking all these ingredients

and magically combining them into a gourmet meal?

That was Phil.

I still don't know how he did it.

And not just with the Bulls, but the Lakers, too?

Yes, okay, give it to Kobe!

Kobe Bryant! Now, Kobe, grab it, yeah.

Give it to Shaq. Shaq got it!

I really found that having all the best players

in the world made coaching a heck of a lot easier.

-Yes, just like that!

Lemme let you in on a little s.

In the game of basketball,

the team that scores the most baskets

is probably gonna win the game.

Well, theoretically speaking, a team could score 90 baskets

and another team could score 86 baskets,

but if the 90 baskets are only one-pointers, free throws,

and the 86 baskets were three-pointers,

then the team with 90 baskets would only have 90 points

and the team with 86 would have 258 points.

I actually saw that happen before, you know.

The other day. I even filmed it on my iPhone.

I'd show it to you, but my phone ran out of space

and I had to delete it.

True story.

♪

[medieval fanfare]

- [crash] - [horse whinnies]

[people cheering]

♪

[sword pulled from sheath]

♪

♪

MAN: How many turkey legs did you guys eat?

Because they just kept dropping them in front of me,

so I just kept eating them and eating them.

- Oh, it was so good! - I know, I couldn't stop.

I know!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, guys, guys!

- Guys! - What?

Look who that is!

The Red Knight!

Whoa, it is!

Oh, we have to get him to party with us.

Oh my God, that would be hilarious.

- Yeah, let's go! - Wait, wait.

I don't know, I don't know if we should do that.

- Why? - Look at him.

So?

I've heard those knights party really hard.

He's not a real knight, he's just an actor!

Probably a totally normal guy.

- Okay. - Yes!

Mister, uh, Red Knight, sir?

Can I help you?

Um, we were wondering if, uh, you know, if you wanna party.

Like, you know, with us?

Well, I was thinking about heading back to my place to...

unwind, if you know what I mean.

You and your friends are welcome to join me.

Really?! Wait, you sure?

Sure. Come on.

Follow me.

Wait, guys, I don't like that. Maybe we should just stay here.

Stop it.

I told you, he's not a real knight.

Yeah, seriously, let's go!

What's the worst that could happen?

WOMAN: Jesus, okay.

[intense music]

GRANDMA MILKBAGS: [TV] So today I'm shopping for a new bra,

which as you can imagine, for these girls,

is not as easy as it sounds!

BENJAMIN: [TV] Good morning. You must be Mrs. Milkbags.

GRANDMA: You can go ahead and call me Grandma Milkbags

- like everybody else. - BENJAMIN: Mm-hm!

GRANDMA: That's right, my bosoms were begging me

to get them a new holder.

Thanks again for the pizza, man.

- No problem. - Yeah, man, thanks.

GRANDMA: Grandma always delivers!

BENJAMIN: First of all, my name is Benjamin.

Pleasure to meet you both.

- I love this show. - I've never seen it before.

Oh, no? How are you liking it?

It's not bad!

Yeah, it's really good.

GRANDMA: I'm a lover, not a fighter.

But Kitty, Kitty'll claw your goddamn eyes out.

BENJAMIN: Your bust. Like, your chest measurements.

GRANDMA: Are you talking about my bosoms?

Hey, you were really good today, by the way.

- Hm, totally. - Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hm! - Thanks.

BENJAMIN: Oh, wow, that's quite large!

How long have you been a knight for?

I don't know, a couple months, I guess.

Hmm, cool.

GRANDMA: Who knows,

maybe I'll be able to help you out...

[laughter]

- Man, this show's crazy. - Totally.

- How old is she? - Guys, please.

- Sorry. - [clears throat]

BENJAMIN: Grandma Milkbags, please, I could lose my job!

GRANDMA: You could lose your drawers,

or I'll lose them for you!

We were back there, I guess, about 30, 40 minutes.

Where's the, um, bathroom?

Oh, around the corner, second door.

Cool, thanks.

BENJAMIN: Very rough sex in the back room!

GRANDMA: You're gonna have to deal with my cookies...

BENJAMIN: Was I expecting it? No.

Did I enjoy it? Very much.

KITTY: [TV] That Grandma Milkbags,

she'll fuck anybody.

But he did eventually help her pick out

a wonderful bra afterwards.

Bye, Benjamin!

GRANDMA: Kitty, behave!

[loud urinating]

BENJAMIN: Let's just say it was very good,

and I'm glad we had that sex!

GRANDMA: Now, after all those back room antics,

- I'd built up an appetite. - [toilet flushes]

- Nothing satisfies Grandma Milkbags

after a day of shopping and intercourse

like a big, old carton of 2%. Grandma like milky!

Go get me a shopping cart there.

KITTY: What do you need a shopping cart for?

We're just getting a little old carton of milk.

[medieval fanfare]

GRANDMA: So there's this guy

just standing there blocking me from my milk!

Did I mention Grandma like milky?

- I miss anything? - Nope, you're all good.

She's just looking for milk and that guy won't help her.

Oh, awesome.

GRANDMA: A second?

How about less than a second, as in right now?

Help a grandma out!

Hey, I'm getting another one of these.

- You good? - I'm good, yeah.

Actually, we should probably head out soon, guys.

We got that, uh, team-building thing in the morning.

- Oh! - Oh, true.

Oh no, that sucks. Let's finish this episode.

No, he's right.

We should probably call it a night, guys.

Hey, maybe we should call you a knight!

- [laughter] - All good, all good.

Well, thanks for hanging out, and very nice meeting you all.

Thanks for having us! And thanks for the pizza.

- Yeah! - Yeah, absolutely.

Don't even mention it. My treat.

Hey, man, it was nice meeting you.

GRANDMA: Ooh, you go, Grandma!

- We'll see you around? - Yeah.

- [door unlatches] - Totally.

- Bye! - See ya.

Thanks, see you later!

Okay, bye!

Be safe.

GRANDMA: Uh-oh, there's that look again!

Chug this milk, you bad boy!

CLERK: It was actually really good!

GRANDMA: I'm lactose and intolerant!

CLERK: I wouldn't have thought I'd enjoy sex

- with Grandma so much. - [knock on door]

CLERK: But guess what? I did!

KITTY: That Grandma Milkbags will fuck anybody!

GRANDMA: Cheque, please!

I think I left my phone.

Oh! Thought you just missed me.

- [laughs] - [TV show theme music]

♪ Everybody bounce up and down, it's Grandma Milkbags! ♪

KNIGHT: Got it?

MAN: Yeah, thanks again.

- Alright. - Yeah.

- Till we meet again. - Yeah, absolutely.

♪ You just blow off the dust when she lookin' this fine ♪

♪ Like a vintage wine from a premium rack... ♪

♪

♪

♪ Whoa... (Stand up!) ♪

♪ Hey... (Sit down!) ♪

♪ Everybody bounce up and down, it's Grandma Milkbags! ♪

♪ Whoa... (We doin' it!) ♪

♪ Hey... (Do the Bartman!) ♪

♪ Everybody bounce up and down, it's Grandma Milkbags! ♪

[chuckles] Milkbags.