Original subtitles

♪

MAN: Don't get me wrong,

we all love the Nike logo, but you're Michael Jordan.

You need your own logo.

So for your upcoming shoe release,

we went ahead and made you one.

WOMAN: And I don't want to sound too cocky,

but we think it's gonna make this

look like ET's crooked wang.

I like that.

MAN: Now imagine you could have any round object in your hand.

What would it be?

But it has to be a sports object.

Easy, a basketball.

-I thought so, but what would you do with it?

Dunk it!

WOMAN: Yes! See, that.

Now imagine you're going for this dunk.

Are you gonna use two hands like all those small-handed players

that nobody respects?

Hell no, I'm gonna one-hand the shit out of it!

MAN: I wanna talk about your legs for a second.

How would you want them positioned

for this amazing one-handed dunk?

Close, tight.

I wanna be straight like a pencil.

Okay, but then people might think

you don't have much going on between the legs, Mike.

Just saying. People talk.

Yeah, you're right.

Spread it then, like an eagle.

WOMAN: Yes! And what are eagles known for?

- Eating their prey. - Yes, yes, but other than that.

They eat birdseed?

Maybe at a zoo, but let's move on from what they eat.

Start thinking about what they do.

They hop?

No, I'm just playin'. Those things soar.

Weird joke, but you're right.

They soar through the...?

MICHAEL: Air. Wait...

What if we called the new shoes...

Air Jordans?

Oh my God, why didn't we think of that?

Oh, wait... we did.

MAN: Now, keep in mind, it's just a rough.

WOMAN: It tested through the roof.

We call it the Jump Man.

We're gonna be rich!

Jordan.

[theme music]

♪

♪ I'm a different person now ♪

♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪ There's an elephant... ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪

[light switch flicking]

Eww.

-Oh my God, this is so creepy.

-Holy shit, check these out.

See, I told you Grandpa was a hoarder.

I just feel like we should put him in a home.

-Wait, can you put that down and help me look?

I swear I've seen moonshine down here before.

[mysterious music]

Oh my God, no way.

-Eww! Grandpa's such a perv!

I guess that's where Uncle Frank gets it from.

- That's my dad. - You're right, sorry.

-Who do you think was his favourite?

-Ooh, let's guess!

- Her maybe? - Maybe her.

That's a great bathing suit.

Same with that one, too.

That's so weird. Why is there a guy in here?

I don't know.

Hey, there's one on this page, too.

[giggling]

- Wait, is that Grandpa? - Oh my God, it is!

- Why is he making that face? - This is so bizarre.

[intense music]

Hey, girls. What's taking so long?

Grandma's baking your favourite... oh...

Oh, no.

Oh my dear lord, no. [sighs]

I thought I'd destroyed them all.

I can't show my face anymore.

Where did you find that?

Oh, just on the shelf here.

-Okay, I admit it.

That's me, your grandpa.

You must remember, back in the day,

it was highly unusual for a man to appear

in an all-women's sexy car wash calendar.

Oh, well...

I guess you look pretty good.

I was in excruciating pain.

Really, why?

See the water? Scalding hot.

Why did they make it hot?

The photographer wanted a real raw expression from me,

sexual and primal.

We tried to shock the world, but the world wasn't ready.

Sales plummeted after opening weekend.

I mean... the cover is pretty misleading.

First rule in life, always check the fine print.

-"With women and men"?

Second rule, if you're gonna integrate men

into a women's car wash calendar,

an 80 to 20 ratio of men to women is too much, too soon.

I tried to tell them to use equal parts men and women,

but they called me a Commie.

You girls have no idea how good you have it.

So anyways, I guess I always wanted to get caught.

Grandpa, honestly, it's fine.

Well, it's out there now.

And I guess that's...

Girls, look!

It's Eugene Levy!

Uh... what?

Jim's dad from American Pie, that's him!

Grandpa... are you okay?

That's Eugene Levy standing right there behind you!

Okay, Grandpa, I think you're just upset

that we found your calendar.

Forget the stupid fucking calendar.

I'm your grandfather.

I love you and would never li,

Eugene Levy is standing right there!

I can see him!

- Okay, fine. - [sighs]

♪

[cartoon sneaky noise]

[muffled coughing]

Grandpa... we see you under the carpet.

[muffled] This carpet is home now.

What did he just say?

I think he said "carpet is home now."

- [muffled coughing] - Oh, man...

♪

[laughter]

No, no, no, I'm the office Seinfeld,

Phil is Kramer, and Megan, you're Elaine.

End of story!

- Wait, so I'm George?! - Mm-hm!

No way. No, no, no!

- No soup for you! - [laughter]

Sorry, what show is this?

Uh... Seinfeld?

The biggest show of the '90s.

I don't know, I'm only 23.

Oh, Jesus, right, I always forget you're such a baby.

[laughter]

BRIAN: Okay, here's a real brainteaser.

The four of us as the "C.

I know what you're gonna say, and yes, I'm a total Del!

JANE: Oh, in your dreams, Brian!

- [drops fork] - I'm not wearing a diaper!

- What? - Brian said I'm a baby.

I'm not one.

And I don't have a binky.

I go to the bathroom the same as the rest of you...

Pants down, take a seat, let it all go.

And it all lands in the bowl every single time.

Okay... I think we're gett.

- Uh, yeah. - Maybe we can move on.

Did you guys know that Brian buys beer for kids?

- Ha-ha. - What?

BRIAN: Hey, could I talk to you outside for a second, please?

Sure.

- What are you doing? - You.

Now they think I have jaundice!

Phil is a total Annie.

You know what? Fine, if I'm Annie,

then you are Miss Caroline Duffy herself.

Megan, no one thinks that, okay?

All we're trying to say is we're old, you're young, okay?

I'm sorry if that offends you.

You're just as capable as everyone else

and just as good, okay?

Fine.

And we're back.

You two okay?

Oh, yeah, Brian was just asking if I had any friends my age

who wouldn't mind getting gross with an old fuck.

- Oh my God. - Ohh...

BRIAN: Now, why would I say that about myself?

Okay, we've heard about enough out of you, you old pervert!

- Phil! - I can't even be here anymore.

- Come on! - Me neither.

- How could you? - Jane, you know better!

- Bye! - She's lying... obviously.

You know, you really shouldn't have said anything, Brian.

Now everyone at work is gonna think you're an old fuck.

Yeah, and a pervert. I get it, Megan, thank you.

Why are you even still here?

I don't have my license.

You have to drive me home, remember?

- [sighs] - 'Cause I'm a widdle baby!

Wah!

Waaah!

♪

This party is gonna be so funny.

Hilarious.

Why do you two keep saying that?

It's all the people that we met at that...

- Introduction to improv class. - Improv class!

Oh no...

This is a comedy party.

-Uh, yeah!

All the funniest people in the city in the same place.

It's gonna be a riot!

- [laughter] - Look around.

Do you see anyone laughing?

That's hilarious.

I mean, everybody knows that comedy comes in threes,

but I presuppose it could come in twos...?

Let's get outta here.

Okay, relax. It's not that bad.

You don't get it. Any minute from now,

some guy's gonna show up that everyone here

is trying to impress because he sold a show

and they all want writing jobs from him.

- And then... - [doorbell rings]

- [door opens] - [man laughing]

So, so then I turn to McKay and I'm like,

"That's not what I meant by bottomless mimosas!"

ALL: Blitzo's here!

Blitzo's here. Woo! Let's go!

One lap and we're out.

- You're being dramatic. - No, I'm not!

Now, if anyone asks you to watch their skit, just say no!

WOMAN: It's actually called a sketch.

Skits are something you do at camp.

- [sighs] - Where's Bella?

Just leave her. She's already gone.

Trust me, he doesn't want notes.

Bella!

♪ Farts and butts and boobs and cum ♪

♪ Periods and tampons, anal and poops! ♪

[strums ukulele]

[screaming]

Through here, through here!

Over here...

ALL: We're watching Kyle Mooney's cut for time

SNL sketches on YouTube.

They're way funnier than the ones that get on air.

Jill, let...

JILL: So subverted...

[screams]

[yelling incoherently]

I guess you just don't get it.

Whatever. It's already finished.

Why would you ask me for notes if you didn't want any changes?

- [screaming] - [loud crash]

BLITZO: [laughs] Oh, yes!

[groaning in pain]

Oh! Oh, great pratfall, man!

- Fuck... - Great pratfall!

Blitzo?

- Big fan. - Yeah!

Look, man, are you a comedian?

'Cause I'm actually looking for writers for my new show.

-Big time.

I've been working on a skit... sketch.

It's called "Dr. Fartstein."

- I'm listening. - Okay.

It starts with a fart, you know?

[farting noises]

- But it gets better. - Yeah.

He's really farting...

♪

Well...

I hurt someone yesterday.

- COP 2: Again? - MAN: Ah...

- Aah, help! - COP 2: Oh my God!

I've been beaten, tortured! I need your help!

Who did this to you?

My sister. She's a fucking maniac.

- Your sister did this? - I got video.

I got the whole goddamn thing. You gotta see.

Yeah...

MAN: Thank you...

MAN: [video] Oh, she's coming!

SISTER: What the fuck are you doing?

Sit down!

- [cartoon boing sounds] - Ow, fuck!

My knee! I need those!

COP: Uh, what's with the sound effects?

[cartoon boing sounds]

She must have gotten to it. Hacked the mainframe!

Just watch! Look what she's done!

MAN: [video] What are those? What are those?

Ow, ow!

[clanking and slide whistle]

- Please, this is serious! - COP: Sorry.

SISTER: Do you want the brick?

MAN: No, I don't. Unless you hand it to me maybe?

SISTER: Okay, I'll hand you the brick.

- [boing sound effect] - [laughter]

SISTER: Pick it up!

- Pick it up. - Okay, okay!

Hey, Mary, um... you gotta see this.

MARY: See what?

SISTER: I'm not gonna hit you again, I promise.

[loud boing and chirping birds]

- [laughter] - MAN: See?

Don't you see what she's doing? She's a maniac!

My mom won't do anything, either!

COP: Your mom? Aren't you, like, 40?

MAN: [video] Do you have an Advil?

[laughter]

Stop! I'm in so much pain!

- Just watch! - [mutes video]

Watch!

- Well, this isn't funny at all. - It's not supposed to be funny.

It's illegal!

MAN: [video] Just no more ball stuff, maybe?

SISTER: Okay!

- [clown nose honk sound] - [laughter]

- [loud boings] - [laughter]

SUPERVISOR: Hey, hey! What's the commotion out here?

[sound of whip cracking]

MAN: [video] Oww!

- [chuckles] - [laughter]

♪

[whistle blows]

Time out, purple!

I think it's broke, Coach!

Oh, no... Not now!

REF: Sorry, Coach, you need five to play.

You find someone else or you forfeit.

Damn it!

You.

You wanna play for me?

Me?

But I'm not in high school.

Not you, idiot! Him!

Roger? My dog?

He's perfect!

I'm a genius.

Come on down!

Okay. Let's go, Roger.

OTHER COACH: No, no, no!

What the heck's going on here?

Ain't no rule says a dog can't play basketball.

You sure?

- You don't seem sure. - Yeah.

Oh, that mutt's gonna play.

And damn it...

He's gonna win!

[inspirational music]

Come on, Roger. You can do it, boy!

[whistle blows]

COACH: The dog! Give it to the dog!

Shoot! Shoot it!

[Roger barks]

♪

[buzzer]

[crowd cheers]

[triumphant music]

♪

♪

♪

[chanting] Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger!

- [camera shutter clicks] - [cheering fades out]

♪

[players cheering]

[players cheering]

♪

♪ Let's take a look at my yearbook ♪

♪ The best class in town ♪

♪ Janey was pretty and Joe was a clown ♪

♪ And those were the years we'll never forget ♪

♪ Number one in the state, every record was set ♪

♪ Years from now, when we look back ♪

♪ I know I'm gonna say those were the best years ♪

♪ Me and my friends drivin' all over town ♪

- [music stops] - [camera shutter clicks]

Must have OD'ed around 4 or 5 am.

Party just got the best of him.

Bad dog. Very bad dog!

Come on, get that piece of shit outta here!

[sniffles loudly]

♪

[school bell rings]

Morning, class. [snaps fingers]

My name's Dr. Rosato,

and I want to extend a huge thank you to your teacher

for letting me swing by to tell you

a few things about my favourite subject:

dinosaurs.

Can someone grab the lights, please?

Thank you.

Oh, what do we have here?

The Ornithomimus.

Many experts believe it was a distant relative

of the modern ostrich.

It was a fast and fierce creature.

But don't worry...

I could still take him.

[laughter]

Ah... my old friend, the Parasaurolophus.

Despite the fact that they could s

in size, I could still grab him by that heady thing

and bring him down that way.

- [laughter] - Yes... Stegosaurus.

Famous for its protective backplates.

But don't let these sharp spikes fool you,

I could still smash him to smithereens pretty handily!

And to be honest, it wouldn't even be all that hard.

[laughter]

Brontosaurus, I'd beat the heck out of him.

Big turtle guy, put him in the hospital.

- The Velociraptor... - KID: Oh, come on.

There's no way you can beat up a dinosaur.

Really?

Yeah, it's like impossible.

- Oh, is that a fact? - He'd just eat you!

[students chuckle]

Could I have a word with you both in the hallway

for a moment, please?

KIDS: Ooh...

Don't worry, class. We'll be right back.

[door closes]

So, neither of you think

I can beat any of those damned things' asses?

KIDS: Uh-huh.

Let's find out about that, shall we?

[electric zapping]

Here we go again.

♪

[whoosh noise]

[distant roar]

You comin'?

[distant roar]

- [whoosh noise] - KIDS: Whoa!

Oh my gosh!

Now, let's see what we have here.

- So, what grade are you guys in? - Nine.

Oh, cool. I love Grade 9.

[dinosaur growling]

DR. ROSATO: Brontosaurus.

She's big, but she's slow.

Are you gonna fight it?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

I don't hit chicks. Let's go.

Either of you have a girlfriend?

- No. - Oh.

Me, either.

Never settle, boys!

Never settle.

There's someone out there for all of us, trust me.

Now we're talkin'.

Hey, you Jurassic fuck!

- [raptor growls] - Come get your ass beat!

[raptor snarls]

Watch this.

♪

Let's dance.

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

- [raptor chitters] - [grunting]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

He's just toying with him!

[thuds and growls]

- [raptor snarls] - [loud crunch]

- Clever boy... - [loud thud]

Ohh!

- Just stay down, Mister! - No!

I said I'd beat his ass.

Don't worry about that, just stay down!

Who's the guest speaker, me or you?

- You. - Exactly.

Watch and learn.

[dramatic music]

[thuds and grunts]

[choking sound]

[groans]

[dramatic music]

- You really are a Jurassic fuck. - [raptor chirps]

Now it's time for you to get...

- [loud thwack] - [yells]

[breathing heavily]

Nuh-uh, I can't do it!

I can't beat his ass, it turns out!

Hey, Mister... I think you might need this.

A grenade? Where'd you guys get this?

Heh, wouldn't you like to know.

Yeah, I would, but...

no, I gotta use my bare hands.

KID: Beat him... and end him.

You kids are fuckin' crazy.

Alright, I'll be back.

[raptor roars]

[clapping]

[dramatic music]

[thwacking sounds]

Ha!

Kick the shit out of him!

- [raptor roars] - [grunting]

- [loud thwack] - Ha!

You got him. You got him!

Woo!

[grunting]

- Hi-yah! - [raptor snarls]

End that fucking dinosaur!

[dramatic Hollywood-style music]

[screams]

[gasp]

- [loud crunch] - [yells]

[laughs maniacally]

Gotcha!

- [panicked screech] - [explosion]

[splattering sounds]

[relaxed, triumphant music]

[chuckles]

I guess he always did want to give me head.

- Right, kids? - What?

Nothing.

Hey, what's that?

Well...

It's either the end or the beginning

of an ass-beating.

Come and get some!

♪

[rumbling and whooshing]

[loud explosion]

[screaming]

♪

[school bell rings]

♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Before all the trouble came ♪

♪ Baby, I was your man, you were my wife ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ You opened up my eyes... ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ I saw you floating there ♪

♪ Uh-huh... ♪