Original subtitles

♪

["Gymnopédie No. 1" by Satie playing]

[child laughing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[zebra snorts]

[inspirational music]

♪

[snorts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[lion growls]

♪

♪

♪

[hyenas barking]

[theme music]

♪

♪ I'm a different person now ♪

♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪ There's an elephant... ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

you've seen the evidence, heard all the testimony.

It should now be clear beyond a shadow of a doubt

that that guy... fuckin' did it!

- Fuck you! - Oh, come.

- Obviously! - Obviously, he fucking didn't!

He fucking did it, and everybody fucking knows it!

- Your Honour, what the fuck? - [gavel bangs]

Okay, knock it the fuck off.

This is horseshit. That's what this is.

-Okay, where was I? Right.

- This guy's guilty as fuck! - Fuck this shit, come on!

-Are you seriously saying yo?

Are you that fucking silly?

First of all, he didn't fucking do it.

Second of all, you're fucking silly,

- you stupid piece of shit! - [gavel bangs]

Order, order! I said to shut the fuck up!

Look at that prick over there! I didn't do shit!

- [gavel banging] - Shut the fuck up!

[in a whisper] He's fucking angry.

You'll get your chance, dickhead.

Now, can I fucking finish? Please?

Go ahead.

[in a whisper] Goddamn motherfucker.

- I gotta go take a shit. - Okay.

[farting]

Thank you. Now where was I?

Right...

This guy eats his own dick.

- Fuck you! - Fuck me? Fuck you!

Fuck you, you fucking goblin.

Aah, that's so mean! Fuck you!

-Fuck you! I hope you fucking die!

Enough, enough, enough! What is all this,

f-this, f-that?

Is this supposed to be funny o?

'Cause it's not, I assure you.

I am on trial for my life.

Is it too much to ask

for just a little bit of professionalism here?

Please?

Whoa... where's this fucking guy been?

I told you. Didn't I fucking tell you?

-This fucking guy rules.

- The balls! - Next time, fucking listen!

Well, okay!

Judge, drop all the fucking charges.

There's no way this fucking guy did it.

- [gavel bangs] - Halle-fucking-lujah!

[triumphant music]

[applause]

I think I clogged the fucking toilet.

Now I gotta take a shit!

♪

WOMAN: Hey, hi!

Hi, uh, have you heard of YippKart?

- Excuse me? - YippKart?

- YippCar? - Kart.

- Cart? - Yes, YippKart.

No, I don't think I have, actually.

-Oh, YippKart is this super-cool new app

which is the quickest way to order groceries online.

Just enter this promo code here for 10% off your first order.

Yes, I'll do this.

-But if you really think about it,

you're getting 10% off your groceries

while getting it delivered to your front...

Wait... really?

Yeah, I mean, I have to get groceries anyways,

might as well get 10% off, right?

-[gasps]

[laughing in amazement]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, wow! This is amazing!

Seriously, you will?

Because...

they'll hurt me if you don't.

Yes, I-I'll use it. I mean it.

I'm serious. They Home Aloned

the last employee that didn't meet their quota.

I'm talking paint cans to the face, to the crotch,

Micro Machines, the works.

Oh, um...

Maybe I shouldn't get involved...?

No, no, no, no, no, no, you have to, you have to!

- Please. - Okay, I will.

Look what they've done already.

Oh my God.

God? God?!

What kind of god would let this happen to me?!

Okay, well, fine. I'll use the promo code, then.

You promise? You have to promise.

- I will. - YippKart promise.

Yeah...

Promise.

You get him to use your promo code

to get 10% off his first order on the YippKart app?

Yes, yes, I-I swear!

She telling the truth?

- She is. - You sure?

You don't seem sure...

[ominous music]

I'm sure. I'll use it.

[exhales in relief]

I actually think you're really gonna enjoy this app.

It's such a great deal. I think you're gonna love it.

Me too.

♪

[keyboard tapping]

Hey, don't forget,

dinner at my house tonight.

Tell Judy to save room for my famous ribs.

Oh, she'll have plenty of room!

We're looking forward to it.

Oh, and...

don't eat too much.

Our toilets don't work.

What do you mean?

Yeah...

Bring a shit bag.

I'll see you two later.

[dial tone sound]

You're so fucked, Johnson.

No shits? Good luck.

You might as well go to the bathroom now

and try to get it all out.

Hey, sweety.

Babe, I'm freaking out about dinner tonight.

Why?

Dinner at your boss's should be fun.

- The toilets work, right? - No.

- That's the problem. - Oh.

Well, I better just take a shit now, then.

[quietly] Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.

But guess what? I can't shit right now.

Well, I just flushed mine, so I'm good for the night.

Don't force it. You'll be fine.

You've gone 2.5 days without shitting before.

- Just bring a shit bag. - Really?

You don't think that'll be weird?

Not at all. You're too self-conscious.

Says the woman who just took a shit.

What? I'm still bringing mine.

Yeah, you're right. Bring one for me, too.

Okay. Love you.

[sighs]

WIFE: I can't wait for those applewood-smoked ribs.

Yeah, I can already taste them.

[jazzy version of "Jingle Bells" playing]

- [stomach rumbling] - Ugh!

Hey, hey! Whoa, somebody overpacked!

What, are you staying here for the week or something?

[laughter]

- [farting] - Johnson!

[in a whisper] Sorry.

JOHNSON: Here comes the shit...

- That's disgusting. - [sound of pooping]

♪

Darlene, thank you so much again for such a yummy lunch.

She doesn't miss. Just like when I was a kid.

Hmm! Thanks, you two.

Speaking of when Todd was a kid,

I was cleaning out the garage the other day

and I found these old VHS tapes of him

- when he was a little boy! - Oh!

Mom, you're embarrassing me!

GIRLFRIEND: This is too fun!

I want to see little Todd as a kid!

Alright, alright. You win, again.

Let the embarrassment begin.

It'll be cute!

We haven't seen these in years.

- Oh! - [giggling]

Hey, I'm Todd, and welcome to my tea party.

Oh my God, this is way too cute.

I need some more sugar.

Ohh, remember that tea set?

How could I forget?

Best imaginary tea in the neighbourhood.

[laughter]

LITTLE TODD: [TV] Oh, hi.

My lady, could I interest you in a spot of tea?

[intriguing music]

CRYSTAL: [TV] Sir, a spot.

MOM: Wow, I haven't seen Crystal in years.

You two were the cutest little couple on the block.

- We were cuties. - [Mom chuckles]

Whatever.

LITTLE TODD: If I could give you all the tea in the world,

- I would, my lady. - You're too kind.

That's so stupid.

- You okay? - I'm fine.

And I don't give a shit about Crystal, so...

Maybe we should shut this off.

[kiss sound]

No, no, no, I'm just messing around.

I wanna see more of cute widdle Todd

and cute widdle Cwystal.

CRYSTAL: How much would it cost me

for all the tea in the world, fine sir?

LITTLE TODD: For you, my lady, fwee.

- Oh, come on! - TODD: Calm down.

You have never liked me from the start.

And you knew that pulling up this video

of Todd and his ex-girlfriend

would be the exact kind of thing to drive us apart.

Well, guess what?

It worked.

- I'm leaving. - Babe...

Goodbye...

fine sir!

[gasps]

Hey, it was 20 years ago and she meant nothing!

[front door shuts]

Wow.

- Wait, you know I would never... - Oh, Mom, I know.

Trust me. That was just...

I don't know what that was, actually.

I'm sorry.

Cwystal, have you met my new mommy?

I will love her fowever.

She's more beautiful than your real mom.

What the fuck, Todd?!

♪

[cheesy '90s sitcom music]

♪ Some days you wake up surprised to see ♪

♪ It ain't easy livin' transparently ♪

♪ But rent is due, so rise and shine ♪

♪ 'Cause life is worth living, even at 109 ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to find that chemistry ♪

♪ When you're living one life platonically ♪

♪ And now every day...

we're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Every day...

we're gonna find our way ♪

♪ My ghost roommate and me ♪

[audience laughs]

- [door creaks open] - Hey, Ghost, what gives?

I was getting ready for my sexy date tonight.

[audience cheers and whoops]

REGGIE: [TV] And I turned on the faucet and blood came out!

You wouldn't happen to know a?

Oh, F off! Cold again!

REGGIE: [TV] I told you, Ghost, you gotta knock it off!

[audience laughs]

"If I wanted cold fries,

"I would have ordered them to the North Pole.

"Never ordering from you dorkholes again."

REGGIE: [TV] If our super fot

in here, we'd both be out on our keisters, meester!

[audience laughs]

- GHOST: [TV] I am nowhere. - [phone notification]

GHOST: [TV] I exist outside of your reality.

I love sassy brand Twitter. It's so good.

REGGIE: [TV] I mean it, Ghost.

No more pranks or you're gonna be in serious trouble!

[audience laughs]

Capeesh?

[text message notification]

GHOST: [TV] I have seen beyond the pale of eternity.

I have passed through the fabric

that connects time and the infinite.

I have laid witness to all...

"Hey, you little dough boy, you pudgy little hog,

"your Tweet sent me flying off the fucking rails.

"If I could, I would shove your p

"and I would keep going until you dropped dead."

Jesus Christ!

[eerie music]

Okay, I'm blocking this account.

REGGIE: [TV] Is that it, Ghost?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

WOMAN: [phone] How would you like it

- if I put you in the ground? - What?

WOMAN: Did I stutter?

What if I committed arson on your apartment

with you still in it, you little warthog?

- Hendy's? - [phone disconnects]

- [glass shatters] - [screams]

REGGIE: [TV] Well, I guess that means you know

whether or not I'm gonna score tonight.

[audience whooping]

REGGIE: [TV] Come on, gimme a hand.

First base, second...?

[ominous music]

REGGIE: [TV] No, wait, don't tell me, third, isn't it?

- [knock on door] - Or do I hit a home run?

- [knock on door] - Hello?

[knock on door]

♪

[audience laughter on TV]

Can I help you?

Hey, what are you doing?!

This is my house! Hey, get off!

You just gave me a noogie!

Sorry about that.

We're trying to make the list of the sassiest Twitter brands

of 2023.

Um...

Um... Here you go.

Sorry again.

We good?

-So what are your benefits like for this?

-Mm, not bad. Hey, can I use your shit bag?

It's been 2.5 days...

GHOST: A little over-the-pants action

- and she never calls you back! - [audience laughs]

-Ghost!

-Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go scare the crap out of Old Man Carruthers.

Don't you dare or...

you're a dead man.

[audience laughs]

♪

[cheering and applause]

Welcome back!

Coming up a little bit later, the woman behind the viral

basketball rap video that's got everybody talking is here.

Quinn, you see this thing yet?

- [blows one note] - [audience laughs]

It's great! It's time for our first guest.

You know him from movies like "Best in Show," "Like Mike,"

and "American Pie," and most recently

the Emmy Award-winning series "Schitt's Creek."

Ladies and gentlemen, Eugene Levy.

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

[laughter]

You know this one...

[cheering and applause continues]

Eugene, you look great.

You somehow get more successful

and better-looking the older you get.

Why, thank you, Turner, you're too kind.

We have a lot to talk about, so let's get right into it.

What have you been up to lately?

Turner, your producers told me there wouldn't be any

- hardballs tonight. - [laughter]

Yeah, but anyway, after Schitt's,

I decided I needed a little break.

TURNER: I don't blame ya.

I'm the same way.

- [drum rimshot] - [laughter]

I set 'em up, you knock 'em down.

But seriously, I've been spending a lot of my free time

with my close friends, Steve Martin, Martin Short...

anyone with the name "Martin" in it, basically.

[laughter]

I guess that's it for my questions!

- [drum rimshot] - [audience cheers]

Anyway, uh, I guess we should talk about your new project,

unless that's something that you...

[ominous music]

- Cat got your tongue, Turner? - [laughter]

Did you... drop something, Eugene?

Oh. Well...

Looks like I'm straight tripping, Boo!

- [laughter] - Ahh...

These things don't stay on like they used to.

[laughter]

Sorry, folks. This is extremely embarrassing,

but for some inexplicable reason

this man is not the real Eugene Levy.

Oh, Turner, you're starting to sound like my son, Jim,

- from "American Pie." - [laughter and shouting]

Regardless, you're gonna have to leave the set, sir.

I know you don't know me well, but...

the Eug doesn't leave the stage.

Okay. Security?

- [applause] - MAN: Stop this!

Stop this, everyone!

He may wear fake eyebrows,

but I swear on my fucking life

that that man is Eugene Levy.

Who are you?

Steve...

Martin.

[audience cheers loudly]

Case closed.

- [laughter] - [band music]

["Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1" by Elgar]

[crowd calling out indistinctly]

[crowd murmuring]

[clears throat]

As your valedictorian, I look out today at the faces

of my fellow graduates and I can see...

[whispering and laughter]

I... I, um, I hope we...

[microphone feedback]

[sighs] I'm sorry. Um...

TEACHER: [whispering] Hey, Jeremy!

You got this!

Phew, okay.

It's my hope that we continue to believe in each other

and ourselves.

But what does that mean, to believe in yourself?

As you all know, ten years ago, when I had my accident,

my doctor said I would never walk again,

- but then... - DR. HONG: No, I didn't!

- [crowd gasps] - JEREMY: Dr. Hong?

Jeremy, I did not, nor would I ever,

tell a patient that they'd never walk again.

I simply gave you the facts and stated that a small percentage

of people will regain bipedal mobility,

albeit with a limited capacity.

Geez, I...

I guess you're right.

I know I am, because stretching the truth

is just as bad as lying.

TEACHER: That's something only losers do,

isn't it, Dr. Hong?

That is correct.

Because the truth is...

EVERYONE: Winners never lie!

Hong, that was terrific!

Geez, my muscles were supposed to be much bigger than that!

STEVE: You two are the best fucking friends

in the whole goddamn world.

Thanks, Steve Martin.

♪

[techno music]

- Mm-mm! - You're not getting it in.

- We got this. - We got this, man.

Mm-mm!

[kiss] Ooh...

[both cheer and laugh]

- Ugh! - It's alright.

Alright, alright! Good game, guys.

Oh, thanks, Katie.

Always a pleasure kicking your ass.

[laughter]

Okay, okay, what do you guys want to play next?

I'm so tired of losing at Beer Pong.

Oh, uh, Flip Cup?

Ooh, Truth or Dare?

- Never Have I Ever? - Mommy Feeds Baby.

[in a whisper] Who is that?

[in a whisper] That's Rory's older brother.

WOMAN: Rory, come back to the party!

Wait, what?

-Mommy Feeds Baby. Maybe we should play that game.

Yeah, yeah, we heard you, but what is that?

Come with me.

WOMAN: No.

No, guys, no way.

Let's... Come on!

[under her breath] Fuck!

RORY'S BROTHER: Okay, so you're telling me

no one's heard of Mommy Feeds Baby?

-No one here has ever heard of Mommy Feeds Baby.

Okay, fine.

So who wants to be Mommy?

Fine, I'll be the mommy, I guess.

First, you have to pick out your baby.

Same as they do at the hospital.

But that's not what they do at the hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you know how to play the game, or do I?

Okay, so now pick your baby.

Um...

Teddy's my baby.

-Okay, so you can do it. It's not that hard, see?

Okay, Teddy, come on up.

Okay...

- You sit down. - Me?

- Yeah. - Now what?

Okay, now you climb onto Mommy's lap and she feeds you

beer like a bottle till you have an accident.

What?! No, no way!

She's obviously gonna change you afterward, dude.

- Calm down! - Let's... let's just

- play something else. - No, you're doing it wrong.

Babies don't talk. They just eat, sleep, and piss.

Hey, say, "Goo-goo ga-ga!"

Okay, okay, get the hell outta here, man.

You gotta go.

We didn't even play the game yet!

Nobody wants to play your weird perv game!

But being the Mommy is the best part!

- Go home, dude! - Get out!

Fuck off, Rory's brother!

- MAN: That's your friend. - W!

MAN: You guys were in the washroom together!

- MAN: You invited him! - MAN 2: I need a drink.

[forlorn music]

♪ I woke you up

when I got out of bed ♪

♪ I kissed you on the cheek ♪

♪ I got your coffee ready ♪

[man crying like a baby]

♪ I like it when we're dreamin' ♪

♪ Can we stay right here forever? ♪

♪

♪ Can you fall back asleep in my arms? ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ When I'm beside you ♪

♪ I can do no wrong ♪