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1
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:03,636
♪
2
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,878
[piano music and
ambient chatter]
3
00:00:11,911 --> 00:00:13,146
Can I get you another?
4
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,181
No, you don't have to do that.
5
00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:16,716
I insist.
6
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,884
Okay, fine.
7
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,152
Gin and tonic.
8
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,653
Coming right up.
9
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,189
We'll take two gin
and tonics, please.
10
00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:25,759
So, you come here often?
11
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:28,228
Often? Try... a lot.
12
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:30,930
Why don't I try giving
you a call instead?
13
00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:32,098
Hmm?
14
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,976
Sorry, I thought
my phone vibrated
15
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,878
but it was just my
leg being weird.
16
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:38,014
MAN: I get that. My
legs are the weirdest.
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,074
Why do you think I'm
wearing pants right now?
18
00:00:41,107 --> 00:00:43,019
WOMAN: I feel like I
know you from somewhere.
19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,177
Are you an actor?
20
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,680
I don't know, you tell me.
21
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,558
- Ring any bells?
- I'm not sure.
22
00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:51,594
You kind of just rubbed
your eyes really hard...?
23
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:52,952
MAN: That was my line.
24
00:00:53,019 --> 00:00:54,454
You didn't say anything.
25
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:56,565
- Acting is reacting.
- [vigorous ice shaking]
26
00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:58,691
WOMAN: Yeah, I guess it is.
27
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,127
MAN: So, tell me about
yourself, Boo-Boo.
28
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:03,396
Yeah... can you not
call me Boo-Boo?
29
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,241
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
that was your name.
30
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:07,076
WOMAN: And why would
that be my name?
31
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,778
MAN: Well, I noticed
you have a Band-Aid,
32
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,279
which means somebody
has a boo-boo!
33
00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,906
WOMAN: Oh, we're giving
each other nicknames now?
34
00:01:12,939 --> 00:01:15,241
Well, I notice that you're
clearly wearing a wig,
35
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:17,253
so why don't I call
you Fucking Weird?
36
00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:19,455
MAN: Can't say I haven't
heard that one before.
37
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,424
I have what Will
Smith's wife has.
38
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:22,882
WOMAN: Hmm, alopecia?
39
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,027
No, just a badass attitude
and my own talk show.
40
00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,429
- [bartender grunts]
- Who's Alopecia?
41
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:27,654
WOMAN: You're really cute.
42
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,131
Oh, I thought I was
"Fucking Weird."
43
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:30,433
- Nice to meet me!
- [giggles]
44
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,468
- [loud crash]
- Wanna get out of here?
45
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:34,692
I don't think we're ever
gonna get our drinks.
46
00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:37,163
If a bear shits in the
woods, does anybody hear it?
47
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,565
I'm in love with you.
48
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:41,301
Let's get outta here.
Speeches are about to start.
49
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,803
♪
50
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,805
♪
51
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:49,142
[screams]
52
00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:52,479
[theme music]
53
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:55,415
♪
54
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:58,084
♪ I'm a different person now ♪
55
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,954
♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪
56
00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:03,823
♪ There's an elephant ♪
57
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,626
♪ There's an elephant... ♪
58
00:02:06,659 --> 00:02:10,997
♪ There's an elephant ♪
59
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,103
This is a special day
60
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:22,275
for my son and his
beautiful new wife, sure,
61
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,177
but for us, too.
62
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:27,981
[in a whisper] I love you!
63
00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:33,219
As you all know, 17 years ago,
my wife and I sat in a room
64
00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:37,524
and were told by a doctor
that our 11-year-old son...
65
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:39,792
had an incurable brain tumour,
66
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,861
and only had a
year left to live.
67
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:43,363
DOCTOR: Mm-mm, mm-mm!
68
00:02:43,396 --> 00:02:46,032
No, I didn't!
69
00:02:46,065 --> 00:02:47,033
Excuse me?
70
00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:48,134
No, I didn't!
71
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,070
Oh! [chuckles
nervously] Dr. Hong!
72
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,781
Why is he wearing
his doctor's outfit?
73
00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:54,884
I did not, nor would
I ever, tell a parent
74
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,143
that their child had
only a year left to live.
75
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,479
-Oh, uh... Well,
thank you for coming.
76
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:00,513
We hope that...
77
00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:02,015
-I simply gave you the facts
78
00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,893
and stated that only a
small percentage of people
79
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,319
with the type of brain
tumour he had would survive.
80
00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,330
Your son being one of
them does not change
81
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:10,757
the specific information
you were given.
82
00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:12,592
I guess I just meant...
83
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,170
-You gotta keep
your facts straight.
84
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,395
Hey...
85
00:03:15,428 --> 00:03:16,663
This guy's a liar!
86
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:17,764
Oh...!
87
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:19,508
You insulted his
profession, you dick!
88
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,201
You're insulting my profession!
89
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:22,244
[crowd murmuring angrily]
90
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,646
[in a whisper] I hate you.
91
00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:24,837
I hate you too.
92
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,406
MAN: Boo!
93
00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:28,074
DAD: Everyone, no!
94
00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:30,043
KEVIN: No!
95
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,411
DAD: Please!
96
00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:33,580
That... that's not what I meant!
97
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:38,284
I just stretched
the truth a little.
98
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:40,954
Stretching the truth
is the same as lying.
99
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:44,257
Maybe even worse.
100
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:46,092
What's that?
101
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:47,093
Fucking idiot.
102
00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:50,897
La, la, la, la, la.
103
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:53,766
♪
104
00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,307
- Hi.
- Hi, there.
105
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,543
[soft piano music]
106
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:08,081
- [scanner beeping]
- [plastic crinkling]
107
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,792
This stuff's not
for me, you know.
108
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,217
It's for my niece.
109
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,595
She's having a
bachelorette party,
110
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:14,396
and she felt weird
about getting this stuff
111
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,055
so I said I'd help her out.
112
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,466
Uncle of the Year
over here, huh?
113
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:18,791
I wish!
114
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,769
Point is, I won't be
using, eating, drinking,
115
00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:23,596
or sniffing any of these
hilarious gag gifts.
116
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,465
Okay, let's see, then.
117
00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:28,001
Penis-shaped straws...
118
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,336
Penis-shaped shot glasses...
119
00:04:30,403 --> 00:04:32,672
Penis-shaped cake pan...
120
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:33,973
Nice!
121
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,975
Penis-shaped candles...
122
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,143
Of course.
123
00:04:37,176 --> 00:04:38,745
Yeah, you need those, right?
124
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:40,146
Bag of pubes.
125
00:04:40,179 --> 00:04:41,848
Okay...
126
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:44,517
[quietly] Could you not say
every item out loud, please?
127
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,619
It's just a little
bit embarrassing.
128
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:48,130
[quietly] Don't worry, sir.
129
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:51,257
- I'm almost done.
- Mm-kay.
130
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,901
[loudly] Penis-shaped
water gun!
131
00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:54,761
- Penis confetti!
- Really?
132
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,030
A 24-carat diamond bracelet
133
00:04:57,096 --> 00:04:59,165
with a penis-shaped
ruby jewel on top!
134
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:00,309
You're enjoying
this, aren't you?
135
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,301
A little.
136
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:02,635
Cum juice...
137
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,937
Cum soda...
138
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,540
a jar of synthetic
cum. [chuckles]
139
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:08,875
Oh, uh, this has been opened.
140
00:05:08,941 --> 00:05:10,486
You didn't drink
from it, did you?
141
00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:12,121
No, I didn't drink
any synthetic cum.
142
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,989
- Because it can cause diarrhea.
- Really?
143
00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:15,691
Not that I would
know from experience.
144
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:16,825
I didn't drink it, okay?
145
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,785
[stomach rumbling]
146
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,153
If you say so.
147
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:21,263
Penis-shaped flip-flops...
148
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,389
A penis pinata.
149
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,533
- Yep!
- Penis pasta...
150
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:25,725
[stomach rumbling]
151
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:27,169
- And alfredo sauce!
- Yeah.
152
00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:29,462
Someone's eatin' good
tonight. [laughs]
153
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:32,231
- Oh, uh, this isn't working.
- Yeah, it's $3.99.
154
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:33,809
I'm gonna have to
call my manager.
155
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,277
- Okay, listen...
- [farting]
156
00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:37,737
If you were a toilet, where
would you be right now?
157
00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:40,707
A toilet to go
diarrhea-ing in, you mean?
158
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,008
Yes, if you really must know.
159
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,242
[farting]
160
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:45,478
I would be at the
back of the store,
161
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:46,655
- waiting for you.
- [farting]
162
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,081
Okay, thank you.
163
00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:50,183
I'll be right back
to pay for this.
164
00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:51,794
Don't forget to wash
your hands! [laughs]
165
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,986
- [chuckles]
- [farting]
166
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:57,490
I like him.
167
00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:00,693
[farting]
168
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:04,163
♪
169
00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:06,666
Okay...
170
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,902
Two Girls, One Cup.
Marry, fuck, kill?
171
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,571
Uh...
172
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:12,705
Kill?
173
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,273
Damn it!
174
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,851
- That's right.
- Yes!
175
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,076
4-0, me.
176
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,711
Try this one:
177
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,780
Bed, Bath & Beyond.
178
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:24,851
MARY: You know, you
two are playing wrong.
179
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,862
KID 1: That's none
of your business.
180
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,188
KID 2: Yeah, mind
your own business.
181
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,757
Actually...
182
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,258
it is my business.
183
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,093
I invented the game.
184
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,928
Name's Mary.
185
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:38,097
Mary Fuquekill.
186
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,533
- Bullshit.
- You made that up.
187
00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:42,101
Alright.
188
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,871
- Fine.
- [joints crack]
189
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,907
I'd marry Bill Murray,
I'd fuck Queen Latifah,
190
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:50,243
and I'd kill Ben Affleck.
191
00:06:50,276 --> 00:06:52,779
Holy shit... It's true!
192
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,547
KID 2: It's her!
193
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,916
Well, enjoy the rest
of your game, fellas.
194
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:58,951
Wow, look at that suit.
195
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,286
KID 1: I know, right?
196
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:03,289
I wanna marry/fuck
that suit so bad.
197
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:07,326
KID 2: Hey, ma'am,
where'd you get that suit?
198
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:09,295
You two seem like good boys.
199
00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:10,897
Come with me.
200
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:14,934
I wanna show you something
that I think you might like.
201
00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:15,978
[screaming and cheering]
202
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,937
Let's go!
203
00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,739
[screaming]
204
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,574
Break her fucking legs, Angie!
205
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,676
We want blood!
206
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:25,311
Where the hell are we?
207
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,079
Yeah, why'd you bring us here?
208
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,314
I don't know.
209
00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:29,816
I thought you'd enjoy this!
210
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,250
Are you not having a good time?
211
00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,253
[women screaming]
212
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,589
Ew, I hate blood!
213
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:39,091
-I thought you were going
to give us free suits.
214
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,161
Why would I give two
random kids free suits?
215
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,463
Because you're rich?
216
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:45,164
No, I'm not!
217
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:49,602
I've been married, I've
fucked, and now I'm gonna kill!
218
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,037
[women screaming]
219
00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:52,514
- [loud punch]
- Ow, my nose!
220
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:55,374
♪
221
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:03,683
♪
222
00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:05,718
♪
223
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:08,054
♪ Are you ready? ♪
224
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,056
♪ It's time to dunk. ♪
225
00:08:10,122 --> 00:08:11,290
♪ Let's hoop! ♪
226
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,493
♪ Basketball is
where I can shine ♪
227
00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:16,062
♪ I rock super fly shoes
while droppin' dimes ♪
228
00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,140
♪ I'm chuckin' bombs
from super deep ♪
229
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,333
♪ I can score 30
points in my sleep ♪
230
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:22,478
♪ I'm gonna crissycross
'em up, day or night ♪
231
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,037
♪ I go left, go right.
Ooh, that's tight! ♪
232
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,306
♪ Now I'm gonna flash
that super spin move ♪
233
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,717
- ♪ And I dribble... ♪
- [loud crunch]
234
00:08:28,741 --> 00:08:30,376
Ow, ow, fuck!
235
00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:32,178
Oh, oh my gosh.
236
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:34,514
That's a sprain, for sure.
237
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,558
Oh my God, don't cry, don'.
238
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:38,251
Okay... Phew!
239
00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:40,920
♪ I need to text my man,
I don't think I can walk ♪
240
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:43,198
♪ Can someone drive me home?
I'm just around the block ♪
241
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,558
♪ Relaxing at the crib till
I'm back on the court ♪
242
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:47,703
♪ Thank God for Kevin
and his moral support ♪
243
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:49,805
♪ Not gonna lie, the
ankle hurts real bad ♪
244
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:51,063
♪ The thumping won't stop ♪
245
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,431
♪ Gonna need rehab! ♪
246
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:56,702
♪ Basketball, when
ball is life ♪
247
00:08:56,736 --> 00:09:01,173
♪ Shoot your shot and
then take flight ♪
248
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:05,678
♪ Alley-oops, guard the three ♪
249
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:10,049
♪ Protect the paint
and dunk on me ♪
250
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:12,552
♪ Been drinkin' every night
just to numb the pain ♪
251
00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:14,730
♪ I wonder if I'm ever
gonna hoop again... ♪
252
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,689
So what do you think?
253
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:20,793
I don't know. Feels
kind of derivative.
254
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,540
- [video stops]
- Yeah.
255
00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:26,174
So you were telling
me about your new job?
256
00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,467
Uh, yeah, yeah, I just
started it recently.
257
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,869
I was really nervous...
258
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,413
[voice in head] Look at me.
259
00:09:31,437 --> 00:09:33,582
I'm finally on a hot date
and all I can think about
260
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,617
is how hard my goddamned
nipples are right now.
261
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,519
-Sell sheeting in my
quarterly interludes...
262
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:40,246
-Why'd they have to sit me
next to the air conditioning?
263
00:09:40,279 --> 00:09:42,357
I should have taped them down
right before I left the house.
264
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:43,716
Mom was right.
265
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,294
-It kind of reminded me
of Lord of the Rings...
266
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,195
-I don't have a clue
what she's talking about!
267
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:48,964
-My hypothesis is that
green is yellow...
268
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:50,028
-Great going, Todd!
269
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,457
-Stuff like BEDMAS...
270
00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:54,560
-Quick, say something so s!
271
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,896
Noice!
272
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,665
- Pardon?
- You know, just "noice."
273
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,877
Like I'm really enjoying
what you're saying right now.
274
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:05,471
Uh, I think you're really noice
and I'm having a noice time.
275
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:06,772
Noice!
276
00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:08,584
[voice in head] You're
blowing this, Todd!
277
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,152
Just go home. She hates you.
278
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,111
Everyone hates you.
279
00:10:12,144 --> 00:10:14,447
Hey, sorry, not to be weird
or anything but, um...
280
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,458
your nipples are like
really hard right now.
281
00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:19,919
- Um, is everything okay or...?
- It's so weird you say that.
282
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,296
I was just thinking to myself,
283
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,489
"Oh, my nipples are
feeling soft today."
284
00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:25,734
So I think it's funny
that you would think that,
285
00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:27,460
because it's so not true.
286
00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:29,438
- [laughs awkwardly]
- Well, anyways!
287
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,863
I have to go to the bathroom.
288
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,164
It was nice meeting you.
289
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:34,433
- Are you leaving?
- Hmm?
290
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,011
-You said it was nice meeting me
291
00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:38,080
like you were gonna leave
and never come back.
292
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,639
Did I do something wrong or...?
293
00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:42,041
I just really need
to leave right now.
294
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:46,612
This isn't about you or my
super soft and mushy nipples,
295
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,015
I just have to go
to the bathroom.
296
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:52,618
It was very nice to meet you.
297
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,863
[voice in head] Don't let
her see you cry, Todd.
298
00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:56,698
-[De Niro voice] I
got nipples, Greg.
299
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,057
Can you milk me?
300
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,825
-What'd you just say?
301
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:01,327
I said I got nipples, Greg.
302
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,562
Can you milk me?
303
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:05,498
I got nipples, Greg.
304
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:06,666
Milk me!
305
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,467
Milk this, Fokker!
306
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,536
I got nipples, Fokker, milk 'em!
307
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:13,005
[both laugh]
308
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:16,242
- De Niro's the best!
- I was just gonna say that.
309
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,411
SERVER: Hey, uh,
sorry to interrupt...
310
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:20,046
whatever this is.
311
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,024
But your nipples are really
disturbing the other tables.
312
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:23,849
Do you mind covering up?
313
00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:26,052
[De Niro voice] Are
you talkin' to me?
314
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:28,196
-[De Niro voice] I don't
see anyone else around!
315
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,722
You must be talkin' to me!
316
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,024
[voice in head]
I hate this job.
317
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:35,227
♪
318
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:39,598
[message notification]
319
00:11:39,665 --> 00:11:41,643
Kevin, our photos
are here! Come look!
320
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,502
Geez, I don't even wanna look!
321
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,846
Come on, we've been
waiting forever!
322
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,272
-Can we do this another time?
323
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:48,016
You know I always look
terrible in photos.
324
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,484
-Okay, well, you
always look handsome
325
00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:51,520
and you especially looked
handsome on our wedding day.
326
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,188
- Come on!
- Okay, you buttered me up.
327
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,081
Let's see these damn things!
328
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:57,917
♪
329
00:11:57,950 --> 00:11:59,118
KEVIN: Huh...
330
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:03,055
These are actually not so bad.
331
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:05,124
I don't know.
332
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:10,262
[ominous music]
333
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:11,564
CLOE: What the hell?
334
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:13,175
These are all
horrible! What is this?
335
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:14,467
Come on, these are good!
336
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,653
I look like dog shit!
This is a nightmare!
337
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:17,746
What? No, no, no.
338
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,071
You look beautiful.
339
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,606
Are you fucking blind?
340
00:12:20,639 --> 00:12:23,609
These are the worst wedding
photos I've ever seen.
341
00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:25,377
-I am not blind.
342
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,713
And, in fact, I can clearly
see a gorgeous woman,
343
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,382
and I'm the luckiest
man in the entire world.
344
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:36,088
[ominous music]
345
00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,324
This is demented! Why
would she take these?
346
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,928
I look like a fucking monster!
347
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:44,940
I look like a fucking
ugly stupid goblin!
348
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,098
Now, now...
349
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,909
-No, I look like a
fucking ugly goblin!
350
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,502
Here, let me get you a water.
351
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:51,146
Now, I know this seems
bad, honey, but...
352
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:52,714
Oh my God, is that Eugene Levy?
353
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:56,408
- What, where?
- Here, come here.
354
00:12:56,442 --> 00:13:02,114
[dramatic music]
355
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,482
CLOE: I don't see him!
356
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:06,118
He's there, trust me.
357
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:09,155
♪
358
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,289
♪
359
00:13:10,322 --> 00:13:11,757
CLOE: Are you sure it's him?
360
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:16,128
Yeah, I'd know
Jim's Dad anywhere.
361
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:17,839
CLOE: I don't even
see anybody out there.
362
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,598
Calling me a liar?
363
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,000
♪
364
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,601
[keys tapping furiously]
365
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,970
♪
366
00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:28,784
I'm sorry, Kevin, but Eugene
Levy is not out there.
367
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,943
Augh, you must've
just missed him.
368
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,279
But anyway, what do you
think of this photo?
369
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,115
'Cause I think you look
pretty amazing in it.
370
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,716
-I guess that one's not bad.
371
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,819
Not bad? Not bad?!
372
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:41,053
You look gorgeous!
373
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,831
Look at this stunning,
beautiful woman.
374
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,190
The camera loves you.
375
00:13:44,223 --> 00:13:46,826
You're just a star who
hasn't been discovered yet.
376
00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:48,603
How did I ever get
so lucky to find you?
377
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:50,129
-Aww!
378
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,840
You always know what to
say to make me feel better.
379
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:52,798
I love you.
380
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,834
I love you too.
381
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:59,338
♪ There's so much
more to see... ♪
382
00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:01,874
[sentimental music]
383
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:05,177
♪
384
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,581
[honky-tonk piano music]
385
00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:11,150
[laughter and rowdy chatter]
386
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,220
[footsteps]
387
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:16,822
[whip noise and
bottles breaking]
388
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,863
My God, that is the sexiest
cowboy I have ever seen.
389
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:29,101
MAN: Christ, look
how sexy he is!
390
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:31,370
MAN 2: Have you seen
how sexy that guy is?
391
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:33,072
What am I, blind?
392
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:35,741
MAN 4: He's insanely sexy.
393
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:37,409
MAN 5: The legends are true!
394
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,011
Hey, Billy Bob!
395
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:42,014
Looks like you ain't the s.
396
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:45,017
The hell I ain't!
397
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,785
Now, you listen to me, mister!
398
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,163
- I'm the sexiest...
- [whip noise]
399
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:51,090
- [rooster crows]
- Holy shit, you're hot!
400
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:52,858
Oh my...
401
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,861
Are you kidding
me? What the hell?
402
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,630
WOMAN: Okay, he's so damn sexy
403
00:14:57,696 --> 00:14:59,040
there's gotta be
something off about him.
404
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,366
-Yeah, yeah, you're right.
405
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,444
Betcha he's got a weird
voice or something.
406
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,403
I reckon you'd be wrong.
407
00:15:04,436 --> 00:15:05,714
Probably can't
handle his liquor!
408
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:09,375
Been drinkin' all damn day.
409
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,576
Ahh!
410
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:11,620
Goddamn, you're sexy.
411
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,746
Maybe he's bad at darts?
412
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,748
- Whoa.
- Probably can't hold a tune.
413
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:20,386
♪ I'm back in the
saddle again! ♪
414
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,930
Hey, he's probably
got a tiny pecker!
415
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:23,422
Yeah!
416
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,758
[zipper unzips]
417
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:30,629
Nope!
418
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,607
I guess there ain't
nothing wrong with him.
419
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:35,234
[rooster crows]
420
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,238
WOMAN: Maybe this sexy drifter
is just a yella-bellied coward.
421
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,007
[everyone gasps]
422
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:44,977
No one calls me a coward.
423
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,346
That so?
424
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,483
SEXY COWBOY: I'm sorry,
425
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,819
but I don't hit little girls.
426
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:55,254
-Lucky for me...
427
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:56,956
I do.
428
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:59,425
[loud thud]
429
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,759
What the hell?
430
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,328
His boots got lifts on 'em!
431
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,863
BILLY BOB: But... sexy drifter!
432
00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:06,799
SEXY COWBOY: Fine, fine.
433
00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,133
Ya got me.
434
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:12,538
I wear boots that make me
look six inches taller.
435
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,107
- But who among you...
- [shotgun cocks]
436
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,811
Best be moving along
now, small fry.
437
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:22,681
[uneven footsteps]
438
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,783
Disgusting.
439
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:27,019
[whip noise]
440
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:32,024
♪
441
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,860
[car honks]
442
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,328
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
443
00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:38,139
I hope you all had
a great weekend,
444
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,898
but I want to dive into things.
445
00:16:39,965 --> 00:16:43,569
This is a big week for the
firm, but I think we can all...
446
00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:45,904
Uh... everything alright, Leia?
447
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,706
- Tough weekend?
- No.
448
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,985
I just stayed at home with
the hubs and the kids.
449
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,152
You know, watched some sports.
450
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:52,887
My daughter is on
TikTok now, though,
451
00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:54,513
so you guys know how that goes.
452
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:58,083
- But you're okay?
- Yeah, never been better.
453
00:16:58,150 --> 00:16:59,985
Right, back to business.
454
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,388
Kelly, I'm gonna need you
to draft up those contracts.
455
00:17:02,421 --> 00:17:04,299
I'm talking the Chinese
restaurants, the bank,
456
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:07,393
- the hospital, um...
- [Leia whimpering]
457
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:09,094
Leia, do you need an Advil?
458
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,330
No, not at all. Why
would you even ask that?
459
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,599
Well, you're whimpering
like a sick dog, so...
460
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,000
No, that wasn't me.
461
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,811
I actually think
that was Charlotte.
462
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,813
Her husband just left
her or something, so...
463
00:17:18,837 --> 00:17:20,482
-Mm-hm. I know that
wasn't Charlotte.
464
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:23,175
-Yeah, and she's also making
this really weird ringing noise
465
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,511
that's stuck in my head.
Can you tell her to stop?
466
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,155
It's really distracting
for all of us.
467
00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:28,714
Leia, is that you?
468
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:30,449
Huh?
469
00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,184
REPORTER: [TV] ...by a child.
470
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,828
Excuse me, ma'am, what happened?
471
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,888
It was that kid!
He Home Aloned me!
472
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,690
That kid's a psycho!
Everything hurts!
473
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,902
REPORTER: And what do you
mean he "Home Aloned" you?
474
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:43,062
Look at me! He gave
me the works, okay?
475
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:45,898
Torched door, Micro Machines,
paint can to the face,
476
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,742
paint can to the nuts,
it wouldn't stop!
477
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,244
-But how do you
know the assailant?
478
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,570
His parents are in Paris
again and they asked me
479
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:54,706
to check in on him, but I didn't
know he was a little psycho!
480
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,976
That little reptile has
no soul! Cold-blooded!
481
00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:00,913
Leia, did a preteen
boy boobytrap you?
482
00:18:00,946 --> 00:18:03,715
Oh! That's not me.
483
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,560
I think that's actually
Jennifer Lawrence.
484
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,152
That's not Jennifer Lawrence.
485
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,288
- That's definitely you, Leia.
- Really?
486
00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:10,722
'Cause now that you mention it,
487
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,600
I think that looks a lot
like Jennifer Lawrence.
488
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:13,568
You're missing a tooth...
489
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,103
What? Where?!
490
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,429
[under her breath] My gold
tooth... I'll kill him!
491
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:19,808
REPORTER: My producers have
informed me that we do have
492
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,576
the home security footage
of the incident, but...
493
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,078
Come on, don't show the video.
494
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,379
REPORTER: viewer
discretion is advised.
495
00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,638
[cartoon sound effects]
496
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,173
[laughs]
497
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,241
[exaggerated boom]
498
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:30,576
[laughter]
499
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,554
Okay, the sound effects
do make it funny...
500
00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:33,812
Sorry I'm late.
501
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,481
Crazy weekend.
502
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:37,116
Oh, hey, J-Law?
503
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,650
I love her.
504
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,752
[coughs] Ugh!
505
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:44,022
♪
506
00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:46,768
ANNOUNCER: [robotic
voice] Hello, everyone.
507
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,603
It's time for the
Half Time Dance Cam.
508
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:51,797
Football fans,
get on your feet!
509
00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:53,966
Nice moves!
510
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,335
Nice moves!
511
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,769
Oh, what do we have here?
512
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,639
Looks like she doesn't
want to move it.
513
00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:02,183
Come on, the Dance
Cam has found you!
514
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,443
You gotta move it!
515
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,187
Come on, everyone, give
her some encouragement!
516
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,513
[crowd cheers]
517
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:10,616
ANNOUNCER: There we go. Yeah!
518
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:15,187
That's it. Got for it!
519
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,556
[crowd cheering]
520
00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:19,791
EXECUTIVE: Are you seeing this?
521
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,894
EXECUTIVE 2: Of course
I'm seeing this.
522
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,705
It's everything that
we've been looking for.
523
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,397
♪
524
00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:29,668
EXECUTIVE 2: Quirky, adorable,
beautiful, charismatic...
525
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:31,703
♪
526
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,506
I can't look away.
527
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,842
That is the new face
of our franchise.
528
00:19:36,875 --> 00:19:39,144
Yeah, more like chest
of our franchise!
529
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,547
- Come on, grow up.
- Sorry.
530
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:43,582
[crowd cheering]
531
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,651
What do you think, sir?
532
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:48,754
I think...
533
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:52,024
A star is born!
534
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:54,059
Yes!
535
00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:57,896
[crowd cheering]
536
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,566
[inspirational music]
537
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:04,036
[distant traffic noise]
538
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:07,105
♪
539
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:09,908
♪
540
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,278
♪
541
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:17,182
♪
542
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,219
One day I'll catch my break.
543
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:24,089
[radio plays upbeat
indie pop song]
544
00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:24,783
♪
545
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,463
♪
546
00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:36,702
♪ I met you at
the wrong time ♪
547
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:41,807
♪ Fireworks like 4th of July ♪
548
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:45,811
♪ Stars were out
shinin' so bright ♪
549
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:48,046
(What the fuck was I thinking)
550
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,883
♪ It was like the blind
leading the blind ♪
551
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:56,555
♪
552
00:20:56,588 --> 00:21:01,093
♪
37991
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