Original subtitles

♪

[piano music and ambient chatter]

Can I get you another?

No, you don't have to do that.

I insist.

Okay, fine.

Gin and tonic.

Coming right up.

We'll take two gin and tonics, please.

So, you come here often?

Often? Try... a lot.

Why don't I try giving you a call instead?

Hmm?

Sorry, I thought my phone vibrated

but it was just my leg being weird.

MAN: I get that. My legs are the weirdest.

Why do you think I'm wearing pants right now?

WOMAN: I feel like I know you from somewhere.

Are you an actor?

I don't know, you tell me.

- Ring any bells? - I'm not sure.

You kind of just rubbed your eyes really hard...?

MAN: That was my line.

You didn't say anything.

- Acting is reacting. - [vigorous ice shaking]

WOMAN: Yeah, I guess it is.

MAN: So, tell me about yourself, Boo-Boo.

Yeah... can you not call me Boo-Boo?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was your name.

WOMAN: And why would that be my name?

MAN: Well, I noticed you have a Band-Aid,

which means somebody has a boo-boo!

WOMAN: Oh, we're giving each other nicknames now?

Well, I notice that you're clearly wearing a wig,

so why don't I call you Fucking Weird?

MAN: Can't say I haven't heard that one before.

I have what Will Smith's wife has.

WOMAN: Hmm, alopecia?

No, just a badass attitude and my own talk show.

- [bartender grunts] - Who's Alopecia?

WOMAN: You're really cute.

Oh, I thought I was "Fucking Weird."

- Nice to meet me! - [giggles]

- [loud crash] - Wanna get out of here?

I don't think we're ever gonna get our drinks.

If a bear shits in the woods, does anybody hear it?

I'm in love with you.

Let's get outta here. Speeches are about to start.

♪

♪

[screams]

[theme music]

♪

♪ I'm a different person now ♪

♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪ There's an elephant... ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

This is a special day

for my son and his beautiful new wife, sure,

but for us, too.

[in a whisper] I love you!

As you all know, 17 years ago, my wife and I sat in a room

and were told by a doctor that our 11-year-old son...

had an incurable brain tumour,

and only had a year left to live.

DOCTOR: Mm-mm, mm-mm!

No, I didn't!

Excuse me?

No, I didn't!

Oh! [chuckles nervously] Dr. Hong!

Why is he wearing his doctor's outfit?

I did not, nor would I ever, tell a parent

that their child had only a year left to live.

-Oh, uh... Well, thank you for coming.

We hope that...

-I simply gave you the facts

and stated that only a small percentage of people

with the type of brain tumour he had would survive.

Your son being one of them does not change

the specific information you were given.

I guess I just meant...

-You gotta keep your facts straight.

Hey...

This guy's a liar!

Oh...!

You insulted his profession, you dick!

You're insulting my profession!

[crowd murmuring angrily]

[in a whisper] I hate you.

I hate you too.

MAN: Boo!

DAD: Everyone, no!

KEVIN: No!

DAD: Please!

That... that's not what I meant!

I just stretched the truth a little.

Stretching the truth is the same as lying.

Maybe even worse.

What's that?

Fucking idiot.

La, la, la, la, la.

♪

- Hi. - Hi, there.

[soft piano music]

- [scanner beeping] - [plastic crinkling]

This stuff's not for me, you know.

It's for my niece.

She's having a bachelorette party,

and she felt weird about getting this stuff

so I said I'd help her out.

Uncle of the Year over here, huh?

I wish!

Point is, I won't be using, eating, drinking,

or sniffing any of these hilarious gag gifts.

Okay, let's see, then.

Penis-shaped straws...

Penis-shaped shot glasses...

Penis-shaped cake pan...

Nice!

Penis-shaped candles...

Of course.

Yeah, you need those, right?

Bag of pubes.

Okay...

[quietly] Could you not say every item out loud, please?

It's just a little bit embarrassing.

[quietly] Don't worry, sir.

- I'm almost done. - Mm-kay.

[loudly] Penis-shaped water gun!

- Penis confetti! - Really?

A 24-carat diamond bracelet

with a penis-shaped ruby jewel on top!

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

A little.

Cum juice...

Cum soda...

a jar of synthetic cum. [chuckles]

Oh, uh, this has been opened.

You didn't drink from it, did you?

No, I didn't drink any synthetic cum.

- Because it can cause diarrhea. - Really?

Not that I would know from experience.

I didn't drink it, okay?

[stomach rumbling]

If you say so.

Penis-shaped flip-flops...

A penis pinata.

- Yep! - Penis pasta...

[stomach rumbling]

- And alfredo sauce! - Yeah.

Someone's eatin' good tonight. [laughs]

- Oh, uh, this isn't working. - Yeah, it's $3.99.

I'm gonna have to call my manager.

- Okay, listen... - [farting]

If you were a toilet, where would you be right now?

A toilet to go diarrhea-ing in, you mean?

Yes, if you really must know.

[farting]

I would be at the back of the store,

- waiting for you. - [farting]

Okay, thank you.

I'll be right back to pay for this.

Don't forget to wash your hands! [laughs]

- [chuckles] - [farting]

I like him.

[farting]

♪

Okay...

Two Girls, One Cup. Marry, fuck, kill?

Uh...

Kill?

Damn it!

- That's right. - Yes!

4-0, me.

Try this one:

Bed, Bath & Beyond.

MARY: You know, you two are playing wrong.

KID 1: That's none of your business.

KID 2: Yeah, mind your own business.

Actually...

it is my business.

I invented the game.

Name's Mary.

Mary Fuquekill.

- Bullshit. - You made that up.

Alright.

- Fine. - [joints crack]

I'd marry Bill Murray, I'd fuck Queen Latifah,

and I'd kill Ben Affleck.

Holy shit... It's true!

KID 2: It's her!

Well, enjoy the rest of your game, fellas.

Wow, look at that suit.

KID 1: I know, right?

I wanna marry/fuck that suit so bad.

KID 2: Hey, ma'am, where'd you get that suit?

You two seem like good boys.

Come with me.

I wanna show you something that I think you might like.

[screaming and cheering]

Let's go!

[screaming]

Break her fucking legs, Angie!

We want blood!

Where the hell are we?

Yeah, why'd you bring us here?

I don't know.

I thought you'd enjoy this!

Are you not having a good time?

[women screaming]

Ew, I hate blood!

-I thought you were going to give us free suits.

Why would I give two random kids free suits?

Because you're rich?

No, I'm not!

I've been married, I've fucked, and now I'm gonna kill!

[women screaming]

- [loud punch] - Ow, my nose!

♪

♪

♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ It's time to dunk. ♪

♪ Let's hoop! ♪

♪ Basketball is where I can shine ♪

♪ I rock super fly shoes while droppin' dimes ♪

♪ I'm chuckin' bombs from super deep ♪

♪ I can score 30 points in my sleep ♪

♪ I'm gonna crissycross 'em up, day or night ♪

♪ I go left, go right. Ooh, that's tight! ♪

♪ Now I'm gonna flash that super spin move ♪

- ♪ And I dribble... ♪ - [loud crunch]

Ow, ow, fuck!

Oh, oh my gosh.

That's a sprain, for sure.

Oh my God, don't cry, don'.

Okay... Phew!

♪ I need to text my man, I don't think I can walk ♪

♪ Can someone drive me home? I'm just around the block ♪

♪ Relaxing at the crib till I'm back on the court ♪

♪ Thank God for Kevin and his moral support ♪

♪ Not gonna lie, the ankle hurts real bad ♪

♪ The thumping won't stop ♪

♪ Gonna need rehab! ♪

♪ Basketball, when ball is life ♪

♪ Shoot your shot and then take flight ♪

♪ Alley-oops, guard the three ♪

♪ Protect the paint and dunk on me ♪

♪ Been drinkin' every night just to numb the pain ♪

♪ I wonder if I'm ever gonna hoop again... ♪

So what do you think?

I don't know. Feels kind of derivative.

- [video stops] - Yeah.

So you were telling me about your new job?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I just started it recently.

I was really nervous...

[voice in head] Look at me.

I'm finally on a hot date and all I can think about

is how hard my goddamned nipples are right now.

-Sell sheeting in my quarterly interludes...

-Why'd they have to sit me next to the air conditioning?

I should have taped them down right before I left the house.

Mom was right.

-It kind of reminded me of Lord of the Rings...

-I don't have a clue what she's talking about!

-My hypothesis is that green is yellow...

-Great going, Todd!

-Stuff like BEDMAS...

-Quick, say something so s!

Noice!

- Pardon? - You know, just "noice."

Like I'm really enjoying what you're saying right now.

Uh, I think you're really noice and I'm having a noice time.

Noice!

[voice in head] You're blowing this, Todd!

Just go home. She hates you.

Everyone hates you.

Hey, sorry, not to be weird or anything but, um...

your nipples are like really hard right now.

- Um, is everything okay or...? - It's so weird you say that.

I was just thinking to myself,

"Oh, my nipples are feeling soft today."

So I think it's funny that you would think that,

because it's so not true.

- [laughs awkwardly] - Well, anyways!

I have to go to the bathroom.

It was nice meeting you.

- Are you leaving? - Hmm?

-You said it was nice meeting me

like you were gonna leave and never come back.

Did I do something wrong or...?

I just really need to leave right now.

This isn't about you or my super soft and mushy nipples,

I just have to go to the bathroom.

It was very nice to meet you.

[voice in head] Don't let her see you cry, Todd.

-[De Niro voice] I got nipples, Greg.

Can you milk me?

-What'd you just say?

I said I got nipples, Greg.

Can you milk me?

I got nipples, Greg.

Milk me!

Milk this, Fokker!

I got nipples, Fokker, milk 'em!

[both laugh]

- De Niro's the best! - I was just gonna say that.

SERVER: Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt...

whatever this is.

But your nipples are really disturbing the other tables.

Do you mind covering up?

[De Niro voice] Are you talkin' to me?

-[De Niro voice] I don't see anyone else around!

You must be talkin' to me!

[voice in head] I hate this job.

♪

[message notification]

Kevin, our photos are here! Come look!

Geez, I don't even wanna look!

Come on, we've been waiting forever!

-Can we do this another time?

You know I always look terrible in photos.

-Okay, well, you always look handsome

and you especially looked handsome on our wedding day.

- Come on! - Okay, you buttered me up.

Let's see these damn things!

♪

KEVIN: Huh...

These are actually not so bad.

I don't know.

[ominous music]

CLOE: What the hell?

These are all horrible! What is this?

Come on, these are good!

I look like dog shit! This is a nightmare!

What? No, no, no.

You look beautiful.

Are you fucking blind?

These are the worst wedding photos I've ever seen.

-I am not blind.

And, in fact, I can clearly see a gorgeous woman,

and I'm the luckiest man in the entire world.

[ominous music]

This is demented! Why would she take these?

I look like a fucking monster!

I look like a fucking ugly stupid goblin!

Now, now...

-No, I look like a fucking ugly goblin!

Here, let me get you a water.

Now, I know this seems bad, honey, but...

Oh my God, is that Eugene Levy?

- What, where? - Here, come here.

[dramatic music]

CLOE: I don't see him!

He's there, trust me.

♪

♪

CLOE: Are you sure it's him?

Yeah, I'd know Jim's Dad anywhere.

CLOE: I don't even see anybody out there.

Calling me a liar?

♪

[keys tapping furiously]

♪

I'm sorry, Kevin, but Eugene Levy is not out there.

Augh, you must've just missed him.

But anyway, what do you think of this photo?

'Cause I think you look pretty amazing in it.

-I guess that one's not bad.

Not bad? Not bad?!

You look gorgeous!

Look at this stunning, beautiful woman.

The camera loves you.

You're just a star who hasn't been discovered yet.

How did I ever get so lucky to find you?

-Aww!

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

I love you.

I love you too.

♪ There's so much more to see... ♪

[sentimental music]

♪

[honky-tonk piano music]

[laughter and rowdy chatter]

[footsteps]

[whip noise and bottles breaking]

My God, that is the sexiest cowboy I have ever seen.

MAN: Christ, look how sexy he is!

MAN 2: Have you seen how sexy that guy is?

What am I, blind?

MAN 4: He's insanely sexy.

MAN 5: The legends are true!

Hey, Billy Bob!

Looks like you ain't the s.

The hell I ain't!

Now, you listen to me, mister!

- I'm the sexiest... - [whip noise]

- [rooster crows] - Holy shit, you're hot!

Oh my...

Are you kidding me? What the hell?

WOMAN: Okay, he's so damn sexy

there's gotta be something off about him.

-Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Betcha he's got a weird voice or something.

I reckon you'd be wrong.

Probably can't handle his liquor!

Been drinkin' all damn day.

Ahh!

Goddamn, you're sexy.

Maybe he's bad at darts?

- Whoa. - Probably can't hold a tune.

♪ I'm back in the saddle again! ♪

Hey, he's probably got a tiny pecker!

Yeah!

[zipper unzips]

Nope!

I guess there ain't nothing wrong with him.

[rooster crows]

WOMAN: Maybe this sexy drifter is just a yella-bellied coward.

[everyone gasps]

No one calls me a coward.

That so?

SEXY COWBOY: I'm sorry,

but I don't hit little girls.

-Lucky for me...

I do.

[loud thud]

What the hell?

His boots got lifts on 'em!

BILLY BOB: But... sexy drifter!

SEXY COWBOY: Fine, fine.

Ya got me.

I wear boots that make me look six inches taller.

- But who among you... - [shotgun cocks]

Best be moving along now, small fry.

[uneven footsteps]

Disgusting.

[whip noise]

♪

[car honks]

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

I hope you all had a great weekend,

but I want to dive into things.

This is a big week for the firm, but I think we can all...

Uh... everything alright, Leia?

- Tough weekend? - No.

I just stayed at home with the hubs and the kids.

You know, watched some sports.

My daughter is on TikTok now, though,

so you guys know how that goes.

- But you're okay? - Yeah, never been better.

Right, back to business.

Kelly, I'm gonna need you to draft up those contracts.

I'm talking the Chinese restaurants, the bank,

- the hospital, um... - [Leia whimpering]

Leia, do you need an Advil?

No, not at all. Why would you even ask that?

Well, you're whimpering like a sick dog, so...

No, that wasn't me.

I actually think that was Charlotte.

Her husband just left her or something, so...

-Mm-hm. I know that wasn't Charlotte.

-Yeah, and she's also making this really weird ringing noise

that's stuck in my head. Can you tell her to stop?

It's really distracting for all of us.

Leia, is that you?

Huh?

REPORTER: [TV] ...by a child.

Excuse me, ma'am, what happened?

It was that kid! He Home Aloned me!

That kid's a psycho! Everything hurts!

REPORTER: And what do you mean he "Home Aloned" you?

Look at me! He gave me the works, okay?

Torched door, Micro Machines, paint can to the face,

paint can to the nuts, it wouldn't stop!

-But how do you know the assailant?

His parents are in Paris again and they asked me

to check in on him, but I didn't know he was a little psycho!

That little reptile has no soul! Cold-blooded!

Leia, did a preteen boy boobytrap you?

Oh! That's not me.

I think that's actually Jennifer Lawrence.

That's not Jennifer Lawrence.

- That's definitely you, Leia. - Really?

'Cause now that you mention it,

I think that looks a lot like Jennifer Lawrence.

You're missing a tooth...

What? Where?!

[under her breath] My gold tooth... I'll kill him!

REPORTER: My producers have informed me that we do have

the home security footage of the incident, but...

Come on, don't show the video.

REPORTER: viewer discretion is advised.

[cartoon sound effects]

[laughs]

[exaggerated boom]

[laughter]

Okay, the sound effects do make it funny...

Sorry I'm late.

Crazy weekend.

Oh, hey, J-Law?

I love her.

[coughs] Ugh!

♪

ANNOUNCER: [robotic voice] Hello, everyone.

It's time for the Half Time Dance Cam.

Football fans, get on your feet!

Nice moves!

Nice moves!

Oh, what do we have here?

Looks like she doesn't want to move it.

Come on, the Dance Cam has found you!

You gotta move it!

Come on, everyone, give her some encouragement!

[crowd cheers]

ANNOUNCER: There we go. Yeah!

That's it. Got for it!

[crowd cheering]

EXECUTIVE: Are you seeing this?

EXECUTIVE 2: Of course I'm seeing this.

It's everything that we've been looking for.

♪

EXECUTIVE 2: Quirky, adorable, beautiful, charismatic...

♪

I can't look away.

That is the new face of our franchise.

Yeah, more like chest of our franchise!

- Come on, grow up. - Sorry.

[crowd cheering]

What do you think, sir?

I think...

A star is born!

Yes!

[crowd cheering]

[inspirational music]

[distant traffic noise]

♪

♪

♪

♪

One day I'll catch my break.

[radio plays upbeat indie pop song]

♪

♪

♪ I met you at the wrong time ♪

♪ Fireworks like 4th of July ♪

♪ Stars were out shinin' so bright ♪

(What the fuck was I thinking)

♪ It was like the blind leading the blind ♪

♪

♪