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1
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:03,636
♪
2
00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:10,410
[laughs] Dude, check this out.
3
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:11,978
Whoa!
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,956
We almost just kissed on the.
5
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:15,015
Oh my God, whoops!
6
00:00:15,048 --> 00:00:16,082
WOMAN: Aww!
7
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:17,293
You guys are a cute couple.
8
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,485
Oh, no...
9
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,029
We're not a couple.
We're just friends.
10
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,221
Oh.
11
00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:22,756
But you just kissed on the lips.
12
00:00:22,822 --> 00:00:25,392
Oh, no, he was just gonna
show me a meme on his phone
13
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,861
and I turned and he was
closer than I thought he was,
14
00:00:27,894 --> 00:00:29,572
so our lips almost
touched, but they didn't.
15
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:30,906
Yeah. Completely accidental.
16
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,265
Not at all a kiss.
17
00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:34,510
-Yeah, we think being a
couple would be great.
18
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:37,037
You know, I'm a liberal.
But we're not gay, so...
19
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:39,506
-Yeah, because I go around
kissing my friends on lips
20
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,417
who I'm not in love
with and aren't dating.
21
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:42,542
We didn't kiss!
22
00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:44,086
-Yes, you did. I
got it on video.
23
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:45,678
Look.
24
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:49,215
[soft, inspirational music]
25
00:00:49,249 --> 00:00:52,419
Whoa... What?
26
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:56,122
[inspirational music]
27
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:59,726
I guess we... did kiss?
28
00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,761
I... love you?
29
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,897
Yeah, I... love you too.
30
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,102
♪
31
00:01:09,135 --> 00:01:11,237
What a beautiful couple.
32
00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:16,409
[applause]
33
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:19,112
Honey? It happened again.
34
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:22,282
[theme music]
35
00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:25,552
♪
36
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,154
♪ I'm a different person now ♪
37
00:01:28,221 --> 00:01:31,157
♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪
38
00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:33,793
♪ There's an elephant ♪
39
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,563
♪ There's an elephant... ♪
40
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,966
♪ There's an elephant ♪
41
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,550
MALE VOICE: Shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots!
42
00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:50,310
FEMALE VOICE: Condom,
shmondom, who gives a fuck?
43
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:53,018
[card reader beeps]
44
00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:04,958
[swallows]
45
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,494
KID: Dude...
46
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:09,171
Did you just put a
pill in your ear?
47
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,930
And swallow your AirPod?
48
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,298
No...!
49
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,243
What, do I look like the
world's biggest idiot?
50
00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:15,535
Show me your ear, then.
51
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:18,004
Fine.
52
00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:19,272
[grunts in pain]
53
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,508
See? No pill.
54
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,510
You just pushed it further in.
55
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,479
-You know that can cause
significant damage, right?
56
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,448
You can go deaf.
57
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,859
What? [giggles]
58
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:33,052
-I'd be more worried about
swallowing an AirPod...
59
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:35,788
I didn't swallow my AirPod!
60
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,957
But if I had, which I haven't...
61
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,792
[electronic beep]
62
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,537
- [faint music playing]
- I hear something.
63
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:43,897
Sounds like...
Imagine Dragons.
64
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:47,467
Imagine Dragons?
That band sucks.
65
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,035
-You just swallowed an AirPod?
66
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,704
Those things have
batteries in them.
67
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,239
-That face!
68
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,017
That's the same
stupid face you made
69
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:57,377
when you swallowed it
in the first place.
70
00:02:57,410 --> 00:03:00,847
I didn't swallow my AirPod and
put a pill in my ear, okay?
71
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,215
Duh!
72
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:04,851
And... this is my stop.
73
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:08,521
So, um, thank you all for
your concern and everything
74
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:11,157
but, um, I'm fine!
75
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:18,231
Siri, call the fucking hospital!
76
00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:24,180
ANNOUNCEMENT: All nurses
to the nurses station...
77
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,048
[sighs] I don't know
if I can do this.
78
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,340
Is it too late to cancel?
79
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:28,751
Okay, Kevin, stop being a baby.
80
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,019
It's just like getting a cavity.
81
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,212
- Yeah, for my balls!
- Kevin!
82
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,953
[giggles]
83
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:42,522
Woop! [laughs]
84
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:44,600
NURSE: Are you all done
filling out those forms?
85
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:46,726
Yup, thank you.
86
00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:48,604
-Oh, are we putting
your wife down
87
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:50,897
as your emergency contact?
88
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:53,943
Sorry, he's just
a little nervous.
89
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,411
You can put me
down. My name's...
90
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:56,569
No!
91
00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:58,238
Kevin, we went over this.
92
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:01,107
This is a vasecto-me,
not a vasecto-us.
93
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,518
- Okay...
- I want that guy.
94
00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:03,776
NURSE: [laughs awkwardly]
95
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:07,113
Uh, we don't usually
recommend using a stranger
96
00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:09,191
who is also getting the
same procedure done as you
97
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,259
to be your emergency contact.
98
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:13,119
Him. I want him.
99
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,387
You know what?
100
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,365
As long as he stops
putting babies inside me,
101
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:17,967
- I don't give a shit.
- Hmm?
102
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,993
And put him down for me.
103
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:22,262
[sighs]
104
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:23,429
Oh, and nurse?
105
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:25,274
We'll be getting
our vasectomies...
106
00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:26,833
together.
107
00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:29,602
Let the doctor know.
108
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,572
[deep breathing]
109
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:33,773
It's okay.
110
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:36,175
I'm scared too, but
we're gonna be fine.
111
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,413
- [loud squish]
- Ow, fuck!
112
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:41,848
Ow!
113
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,659
- Fuck!
- Oh, does it hurt?!
114
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,084
It fucking kills!
115
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,829
- [groaning in pain]
- Ow!
116
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:49,322
Fuck, fuck, fuck you, Cloe!
117
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,658
[screaming]
118
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:53,092
Are those my balls?
119
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,737
- Are those my balls?!
- [monitors beeping faster]
120
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,138
Oh, God, that's
fucking disgusting!
121
00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:58,364
I can't do this,
man! I can't do this!
122
00:04:58,431 --> 00:04:59,699
[singing in pain]
123
00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,343
Don't worry, don't
worry, it's not that bad.
124
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,836
- [loud squish]
- Oh, fuck you!
125
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,104
[monitor flatlines]
126
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,149
Doctor, we're losing
him! Nurse, paddle!
127
00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:10,009
Jordan, don't you die
on me! Jordan, wake up!
128
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,153
- [monitor flatlines]
- No!
129
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:12,211
Wake up!
130
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:13,680
[monitor beeping returns]
131
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,348
Well, that just about does it.
132
00:05:15,381 --> 00:05:16,949
You guys are officially snipped.
133
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,284
Phew!
134
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,486
Well, we can finally
come in our wives.
135
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,789
We can and we will.
136
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,491
♪
137
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,561
[seatbelt chime]
138
00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:30,730
[seatbelts clicking open]
139
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:31,974
CAPTAIN: [on speaker]
Evening, folks.
140
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,533
This is your captain speaking.
141
00:05:33,566 --> 00:05:35,978
I'd like to ask for everyone
to please remain in their seats
142
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,846
- while I address a quick issue.
- Oh, what now?
143
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:38,910
I'm sure it's fine.
144
00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:40,516
CAPTAIN: [on speaker] So, uh,
145
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:43,176
all my instruments up here are
saying I had a perfect landing
146
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:46,546
but, uh, I actually didn't
hear any claps from the cabin.
147
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:50,249
So, yeah, I think I'm just gonna
go ahead and take her up again,
148
00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:52,695
loop around, and see if we
can't do better the second time.
149
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,354
[seatbelt chime]
150
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:55,722
Oh my God.
151
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,323
Excuse me, stewardess?
152
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,659
Are we actually
taking off again?
153
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,537
We are ignoring you
because of what you did
154
00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,895
in the bathroom, sir.
155
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,497
Oh. I'm sorry.
156
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:05,474
STEWARDESS: Thanks. Seatbelts!
157
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:06,618
Seatbelts, buckle up...
158
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:08,067
Hey, what's this guy's problem?
159
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,702
Don't touch me!
160
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,180
MAN: [background] No,
this is unacceptable!
161
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,648
MAN 2: Come on! MAN 3: Ugh...
162
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,183
JUDITH: And when we
went through security,
163
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,742
they tried to take it from me,
164
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:18,444
so I kept it with me the entire
time on the whole flight.
165
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:19,655
- And...
- [knock on door]
166
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,056
WOMAN: Hey, Judith.
Sorry we're late!
167
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,081
JUDITH: Hey!
168
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,826
Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, who's this?
169
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,451
Hi, sorry, this is Roger.
170
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,262
My ex was supposed
to watch him today
171
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,431
but she bailed last
minute. I hope it's okay?
172
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:31,891
JUDITH: Um...
173
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:34,560
It's fine, but just don't
let him wreck anything, okay?
174
00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:37,130
Oh, he would never,
would you, good boy?
175
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,534
JUDITH: Okay, so
as I was saying,
176
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,036
this Faberge egg has been in
my family for generations.
177
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,848
It's as fragile as
it is priceless.
178
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,282
MAN: Oh, Judith,
it is stunning.
179
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:48,708
I know it is.
180
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,619
And that's why everybody
had better be super careful
181
00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:53,746
- around it.
- [dog panting]
182
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,915
Judith, uh, how long
have you lived here?
183
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:58,384
Oh, um, about a year.
184
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,752
We really like the neighbourhood
185
00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:01,697
and the Walk Score is
really, really good,
186
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,132
but if you really
hate walking, then...
187
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:06,092
- [playful music]
- [Roger whimpers]
188
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:08,370
The only thing I don't really
like about this neighbourhood
189
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:10,139
is the traffic. I
should have voted for...
190
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,107
MAN: Hey, look, John's
doing a squirrel trick!
191
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:13,108
JOHN: Got any nuts?
192
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:14,434
[dog whines]
193
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:16,269
Mail's here!
194
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,404
MAN: Check out this
dog porno I found.
195
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,473
-Whoa, awesome!
196
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:23,075
[slide whistle sound]
197
00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:26,679
[playful music speeds up]
198
00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:29,515
MAILMAN: Anybody
order some mailman?
199
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,317
[music intensifies]
200
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,494
JOHN: [chatters like a squirrel]
201
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:33,896
- Weird!
- Fuck you.
202
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,597
- [sneezes]
- [loud crash]
203
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,757
No, my egg!
204
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,792
I must be allergic
to that damn dog!
205
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:40,827
I'm so sorry.
206
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:42,762
Get that fucking dog outta here!
207
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,473
Come on, let's go. Bad dog.
208
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,599
Very bad dog!
209
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,434
Out!
210
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:52,672
♪
211
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:56,676
[toilet flushes]
212
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:59,378
[stall lock unlatches]
213
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:01,423
Oh, hi, Judith. How
was your weekend?
214
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,025
-Hi. It was good.
215
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:04,317
I tried wakeboarding.
216
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,361
-Oh, the lake must
have been beautiful.
217
00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:08,721
-Yeah, yeah, it was.
218
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:10,523
- Hey, Laverne?
- Yeah?
219
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,391
I don't... want to be rude,
220
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,695
but I think your hands
are covered in shit.
221
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:19,232
-[laughs nervously] Oh,
just one of those days.
222
00:08:19,298 --> 00:08:20,533
You know the ones.
223
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,069
Uh, yeah. Totally.
224
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,538
- [water turns on]
- Oh, thanks.
225
00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:26,572
-Mm-hm.
226
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,010
Are you gonna use soap or not?
227
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,512
Hmm, not.
228
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:34,680
Laverne, your hands
are covered in shit.
229
00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:37,049
And so, what else?
230
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,552
You think I'm some kind
of weirdo who deserves
231
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:42,388
minimal respect just because my
hands aren't as clean as yours?
232
00:08:42,421 --> 00:08:44,066
-No. Didn't say that.
233
00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:46,592
-Huh. Interesting.
234
00:08:46,659 --> 00:08:49,095
You ever wonder what
the world would be like
235
00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:51,640
if we all just cared a little
bit less about what people did
236
00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:52,784
in their personal time?
237
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,534
Is that so crazy to think about?
238
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,669
What the hell are
you talking about?
239
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:58,647
You know, Judith,
you come in here
240
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:00,516
and you make me
feel all insecure
241
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,651
just because you had a
different upbringing than me.
242
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:05,611
Maybe I never had a mom to
teach me how to wash my hands,
243
00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:07,380
fingers, and thumbs.
244
00:09:07,413 --> 00:09:09,916
Maybe I never had a dad to
teach me how to wipe properly
245
00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:12,094
instead of just kind of
messing around down there
246
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,396
and being like, "Jesus Christ,
what the hell is going on?"
247
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,688
Okay, Laverne!
248
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,199
I wasn't trying to
psychoanalyze you.
249
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,334
It's just that you're gonna
be walking around an office
250
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:21,270
where like 25 people work
getting your shit everywhere!
251
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,005
All over the doorknobs,
the computer mouse,
252
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,464
the coffee pot. It's gross.
253
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:27,109
Plus it's chicken
wing and popcorn day.
254
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,635
[phone rings in background]
255
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:32,705
Let me guess. You're
a saint, right?
256
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:34,716
No, that's not what
I'm saying at all.
257
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,618
Not everybody gets
to go wakeboarding
258
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:37,977
on the weekends, Judith.
259
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,581
Some of us don't work to
live, we live to work.
260
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:44,917
I bet you never knew that I
slept at the office, did you?
261
00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:48,487
Yeah, for a period of two
months when my long-term lover,
262
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:51,657
Steve Dortango, kicked me out
for being an absolute mess,
263
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,402
I slept on the floor
of Dan's office
264
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,062
every single goddamned night.
265
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,106
-Okay, well, before you
were making it sound
266
00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,666
like you were working so much,
267
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:02,735
but you were actually
just homeless.
268
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,446
Let me ask you
something, Judith.
269
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,081
What's the worst thing
you've ever done?
270
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,573
-What?
271
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,276
-Because for me, it was when
I took a vacation to Arizona
272
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:13,112
ten years ago and I hit
that cyclist with my car.
273
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:14,447
And you know what?
274
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,349
I didn't even slow down.
275
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:20,019
I just watched his mangled
body get smaller and smaller
276
00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:22,188
in the rear-view
mirror as I drove off
277
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:25,791
to continue my life as is.
278
00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:28,260
So I guess what I'm saying
is that by comparison,
279
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,630
not washing the caked-on
shit off my hands
280
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:33,366
doesn't really seem like
that big of a deal, does it?
281
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:35,468
Laverne, did you kill someone?
282
00:10:35,501 --> 00:10:36,836
What?
283
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:41,107
♪
284
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,352
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
285
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:48,147
[dance music]
286
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:50,783
- [woman squealing]
- [woman giggling]
287
00:10:50,816 --> 00:10:52,518
CLOE: You guys are so silly.
288
00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:53,853
You're my best friends.
289
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:55,888
FRIEND: Aww,
Cloe, we love you!
290
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,156
FRIEND 2: We love you!
291
00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:59,625
Good afternoon, ladies.
Welcome to Bulges.
292
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,528
My name's Trent. Could I
get you started with...
293
00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:05,131
- some drinks?
- [laughter]
294
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,009
Um, I think we're
just gonna start with
295
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:08,844
a round of Long
Island cock teas.
296
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:11,337
- [all giggling]
- Okay, I knew you'd be fun.
297
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,315
How about something to
nibble on with those?
298
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,641
-Oh, yes, but I do have
an allergy to pine nuts.
299
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,185
Would it be still
possible to grab
300
00:11:17,209 --> 00:11:18,477
the spaghetti and dickballs?
301
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,489
-You know what?
Actually, I don't know.
302
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,491
Mind if I run to the
kitchen real quick?
303
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,660
-Yes, please, but hurry
because... me so hungwy!
304
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,018
[laughter]
305
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,220
Don't you worry. I'll
be back in a flash.
306
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,322
- Okay.
- [giggling and chatter]
307
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,757
MAN: These are pretty good.
308
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:34,560
[dance music continues]
309
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:36,433
- [wolf whistle]
- [laughter]
310
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,601
CORY: Where the fuck are my
cheesy jala-penis poppers?!
311
00:11:42,668 --> 00:11:44,646
-Two minutes, asshole!
We're fuckin' slammed!
312
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,982
-You're fuckin' slammed?
I've got four tables waiting!
313
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:50,009
Do you understand the words
that are comin' outta my mouth!
314
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,577
Fuck your four tables, Cory!
315
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:53,855
Maybe show up to work on
time, you fucking drug addict!
316
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,057
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you, Cory!
317
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,658
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck...
318
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,360
- Order up!
- You gotta be kidding me!
319
00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,728
These are supposed to
be honey garlic wings!
320
00:11:59,752 --> 00:12:01,020
Chit says maple chipotle!
321
00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,230
Honey garlic! Make 'em again!
322
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:03,422
Oh, go to hell, Trent!
323
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,367
Pine nuts in the spaghetti
sauce: yes or no?
324
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,727
- Fuck you!
- I can't t!
325
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,895
I'm gonna have a
fucking heart attack!
326
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:12,169
Hang in there, Sally!
Lunch rush is almost over.
327
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:16,602
[indistinct yelling]
328
00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:21,607
[dance music]
329
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,478
[indistinct chatter
and laughter]
330
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:26,645
Alright.
331
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:28,390
Good news, ladies,
there's no pine nuts
332
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,092
- in the spaghetti sauce.
- Yes!
333
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,585
Okay, well, for the
record, I love nuts.
334
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:34,086
Ooh, you're bad!
335
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,131
Okay, so we're just gonna
get some plates of spaghetti
336
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:38,491
- for the table to share?
- Yeah, that sounds yummy.
337
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,368
- [loud crash]
- WOMAN: What was that?
338
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:41,827
Oh, probably nothing.
339
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:46,165
Okay, a round of spaghetti
and dickballs coming right up!
340
00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:47,433
WOMAN: Excuse me, waiter?
341
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,377
I think I'm ready for
something more stiff.
342
00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:50,803
-Oh, you're ready to party, eh?
343
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,238
I'll be right back.
344
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,940
WOMAN: Trent,
Trent, over here!
345
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:57,243
MAN: Boys' night! This
is the best night.
346
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,746
No, Sally!
347
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,891
What's going on?! What
the fuck happened?!
348
00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:05,117
-Wake up, you son
of a bitch, wake up!
349
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,685
[indistinct sobbing]
350
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:08,663
Sal, don't die on
me! I love you!
351
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:11,290
- [gasps]
- Sally boy, you're alive!
352
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:14,026
You think I'm gonna let you
cocksuckers steal my tables?
353
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:15,771
TRENT: Never scare
me like that again.
354
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,130
Don't ever give up
on old Sal, huh?
355
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,666
Trent, you got a table that's
been waiting for 15 minutes!
356
00:13:20,699 --> 00:13:22,334
Move your ass!
357
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,870
Don't worry, kid.
I'll be okay.
358
00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:26,705
Go be the best, huh?
359
00:13:26,772 --> 00:13:28,874
It's what you always do.
360
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,643
Yeah!
361
00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:32,611
Guys... a little help here?!
362
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,847
[laughter]
363
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,816
♪
364
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:40,886
[sighs] How far is the Uber?
365
00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,864
I don't know. The car's
just sitting there.
366
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:43,956
Must be traffic.
367
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,500
- MAN: Hey, move!
- [car honks]
368
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:46,668
- Move your ass!
- Sorry!
369
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:48,694
[revving engine]
370
00:13:48,727 --> 00:13:50,629
What the fuck is going on?
371
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,198
It's moving now.
372
00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:54,333
[laughs] Stupid glitchy app.
373
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,344
Apparently it's driving
through the park.
374
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,637
-Sure.
375
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,911
DRIVER: Oh my God, oh my God.
376
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,116
- Oh my God!
- [honks]
377
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:02,784
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
378
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:04,820
- Get out of the fucking way!
- [loud thud]
379
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,812
[screams]
380
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,723
Now the car is
spinning over downtown!
381
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,082
[both chuckle]
382
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:11,917
[breathing deeply]
383
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:14,420
Oh shit, oh shit, oh
shit, oh shit, oh shit!
384
00:14:14,486 --> 00:14:15,855
[radio playing indistinctly]
385
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:18,924
And now it's sideways
on the highway...
386
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:21,393
[truck honking]
387
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,062
[screams]
388
00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:24,506
You'd think a
billion-dollar company
389
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,374
would know how to
debug their software.
390
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:28,500
Stupid app.
391
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,345
MARY: Looks like it's
just around the corner.
392
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,271
Finally!
393
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:33,982
Wait, I think I
forgot my lipstick.
394
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:36,242
Did you check your bag?
395
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:38,844
- [muffled screaming]
- Oh, here it is.
396
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,413
- [car honks]
- DRIVER: Help!
397
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:42,948
MARY: For Mary?
398
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,926
DRIVER: Whoa, whoa,
whoa! No fucking dogs!
399
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,419
[Roger whines]
400
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,054
♪
401
00:14:50,089 --> 00:14:53,893
♪
402
00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:56,595
Hey, guys, we are
live in 50 seconds.
403
00:14:56,629 --> 00:15:01,066
♪
404
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,869
We are live in 45
seconds, people!
405
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:09,141
♪
406
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:11,777
Hey, where the hell is Trish?
We're about to go on the air.
407
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:14,146
PRODUCER: Listen, Sal.
I have some bad news.
408
00:15:14,213 --> 00:15:15,748
Trish isn't making it in today.
409
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,284
We're gonna need you
to stand in for her.
410
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,028
Me? I'm just a cameraman.
411
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:21,754
There are no other options.
412
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,155
Also, you know how seriously
413
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:24,766
we take our network's
reputation, so...
414
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,768
you're gonna have
to do it... naked.
415
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:28,303
No. No way, Jose.
416
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,663
Our viewers come to Naked
News for one reason...
417
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:33,132
Informative, up-to-date,
unbiased news
418
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:35,601
presented by people who
slowly undress themselves.
419
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:38,404
It's that little bit of sugar.
420
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,140
And today, you're that sugar.
421
00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:42,441
Okay.
422
00:15:42,474 --> 00:15:44,219
- I'll do it.
- Do it, Sal.
423
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,278
Do it.
424
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:48,814
DIRECTOR: Alright, we
are live in five...
425
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:50,649
four... three...
426
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,952
[in a whisper] Good luck, Sal!
427
00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:54,586
Hi, I'm Sal.
428
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:01,293
And this is Naked News.
429
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:03,996
- [belt buckle clinks]
- [zipper unzips]
430
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:09,201
Thousands have died today
after two planes collided
431
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:11,603
into the Twin Towers
in New York City.
432
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,806
We go now to our New
York correspondent.
433
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,441
This was a terrible mistake!
434
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,845
[lotion squelching]
435
00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:22,214
Oh, someone's running low there.
436
00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:24,049
Say when.
437
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,452
When! Pour much,
you fucking idiot?
438
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,096
- [both laugh]
- You got me.
439
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,631
Alright, see you
in the deep end.
440
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,890
- Have fun!
- Thank you.
441
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:33,192
[knock]
442
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,060
WOMAN: Hi, new neighbour!
443
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:36,167
I come bearing gift!
444
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:37,363
[laughs]
445
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:39,298
Oh, hey! Yeah, come on in.
446
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:40,799
Oh, wow!
447
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,568
[splashing]
448
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,479
- This is for you.
- Oh, thanks!
449
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:45,537
That's so nice.
450
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:46,839
Thank you!
451
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:48,974
Ahh!
452
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,709
Phew!
453
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,187
Hey, sorry, I'm
so bad with names.
454
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,679
Oh, that's totally fine.
455
00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:55,623
Melinda Lupita. It's
nice to meet you.
456
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:58,250
But... you can
just call me Groot.
457
00:16:58,317 --> 00:16:59,461
- Groot?
- Yeah.
458
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,662
- Like the movie?
- Yeah!
459
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,330
It's kinda like a
fun, cute nickname.
460
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,232
- You know, "I am Groot."
- Okay.
461
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:06,992
Well, if you want to come for
a swim, our pool is your pool.
462
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,336
Thanks. Does he come with it?
463
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,595
[both laugh]
464
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:11,830
No, don't worry. I
won't be, you know,
465
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,266
doing the nasty with
your hubby or anything.
466
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,935
- What?
- You know, hot dirty sex?
467
00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:19,082
I won't be doing that
with your husband.
468
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,210
But why would you say that?
469
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,678
Because I wouldn't.
470
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,490
I'm not the type of
person to go around
471
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:30,191
sleeping with other
people's husbands.
472
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,918
Like, I'm not gonna
reverse cowgirl on him
473
00:17:32,951 --> 00:17:34,386
when you're not home.
474
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,531
I'm not gonna piledrive 69
him or anything like that.
475
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:37,623
I promise!
476
00:17:37,689 --> 00:17:39,167
Okay, well, I should
probably get going
477
00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:41,727
- 'cause I have stuff to do.
- But it would be pretty easy
478
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,096
to do that if I was that
type of person, though.
479
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:46,398
I mean, I live right
there, you live right here.
480
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,209
What's stopping me from
learning your schedule?
481
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,245
When you're going to work,
when you're coming back.
482
00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,380
When you're going away for
the weekend with the girls?
483
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,106
I mean, what's stopping me...
484
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,774
from coming over here...
485
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,743
and pounding your husband?
486
00:17:57,776 --> 00:18:00,312
I don't know. Nothing!
487
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:01,447
Okay...
488
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,083
[splashing]
489
00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:05,717
Um...
490
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,620
And do not worry that I'm
gonna befriend the both of you
491
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,789
and one day suggest a threesome,
492
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,867
and while we're doing that
threesome you start noticing
493
00:18:12,891 --> 00:18:15,103
that he's looking at me more
than he's looking at you
494
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,271
because I'm reverse
cowgirling on him,
495
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:17,739
and all of a sudden
you get weird,
496
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:18,940
and then a couple days later
497
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:20,375
while you're off
on a business trip,
498
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:21,609
I turn that threesome
into a twosome
499
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:23,278
and we bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang!
500
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:25,671
Please don't ever
think I would do that!
501
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:28,140
Because I'm not
that type of girl.
502
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,617
Okay. Thanks, Melinda.
503
00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:30,576
I am Groot.
504
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,812
♪
505
00:18:35,347 --> 00:18:38,450
Come on, hurry up,
Jacob! Let's go!
506
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:40,419
Here!
507
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:45,190
[wholesome music]
508
00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,826
♪
509
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,361
This is gonna be great.
510
00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,106
Mr. Delondo's gonna
slip on that peel
511
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,166
and fall right on his butt!
512
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:56,368
Here he comes!
513
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:59,204
[Mr. Delondo grumbling]
514
00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:01,874
Oh, shit, when'd
he get a walker?
515
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,843
MR. DELONDO: Oh, Jesus...
516
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,454
- Mr. Delondo?
- Huh?
517
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,490
- Watch out for the banana peel!
- [loud squish]
518
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,349
Augh, whoa! Oh, shit!
519
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,817
Fuck me!
520
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:14,453
Oh, dear lord, no! Go to
hell, you fucking kids!
521
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:15,797
Oh... Oh!
522
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,123
Oh, oh! Oh...
523
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:22,327
[romantic music]
524
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:26,031
Mmm, I thought I
lost you forever.
525
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:28,333
As did I.
526
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:30,588
[ring clinks to ground]
527
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:37,976
Wow, still such a
beautiful couple.
528
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:42,681
[applause]
529
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:46,718
♪
530
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:50,689
♪
531
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:53,859
♪
532
00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:56,762
♪ I'll be your
foolish lover... ♪
533
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:58,163
[airplane engine roars]
534
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:03,835
[cheering]
535
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,880
CAPTAIN: [on speaker]
Alright, not bad, folks.
536
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:07,739
Not bad at all.
537
00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,542
But, uh, it still feels
like a few of you are, uh,
538
00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:12,878
holding back those
darned claps a little.
539
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:14,213
No!
540
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,324
CAPTAIN: Let's, uh,
give it another shot.
541
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,259
Maybe eight times
will be the charm.
542
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:19,527
- Up we go.
- [seatbelt chime]
543
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,520
Let us off the
plane, you bastard!
544
00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,922
No yelling on the plane, please!
545
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:27,693
♪ I'll be your foolish lover ♪
546
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:31,430
♪ All through this
endless summer ♪
547
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:33,374
♪ Hold you close
under the covers... ♪
548
00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:34,059
♪
549
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:43,275
♪
38356
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