Original subtitles

♪

[laughs] Dude, check this out.

Whoa!

We almost just kissed on the.

Oh my God, whoops!

WOMAN: Aww!

You guys are a cute couple.

Oh, no...

We're not a couple. We're just friends.

Oh.

But you just kissed on the lips.

Oh, no, he was just gonna show me a meme on his phone

and I turned and he was closer than I thought he was,

so our lips almost touched, but they didn't.

Yeah. Completely accidental.

Not at all a kiss.

-Yeah, we think being a couple would be great.

You know, I'm a liberal. But we're not gay, so...

-Yeah, because I go around kissing my friends on lips

who I'm not in love with and aren't dating.

We didn't kiss!

-Yes, you did. I got it on video.

Look.

[soft, inspirational music]

Whoa... What?

[inspirational music]

I guess we... did kiss?

I... love you?

Yeah, I... love you too.

♪

What a beautiful couple.

[applause]

Honey? It happened again.

[theme music]

♪

♪ I'm a different person now ♪

♪ Can we just hug it out? ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

♪ There's an elephant... ♪

♪ There's an elephant ♪

MALE VOICE: Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!

FEMALE VOICE: Condom, shmondom, who gives a fuck?

[card reader beeps]

[swallows]

KID: Dude...

Did you just put a pill in your ear?

And swallow your AirPod?

No...!

What, do I look like the world's biggest idiot?

Show me your ear, then.

Fine.

[grunts in pain]

See? No pill.

You just pushed it further in.

-You know that can cause significant damage, right?

You can go deaf.

What? [giggles]

-I'd be more worried about swallowing an AirPod...

I didn't swallow my AirPod!

But if I had, which I haven't...

[electronic beep]

- [faint music playing] - I hear something.

Sounds like... Imagine Dragons.

Imagine Dragons? That band sucks.

-You just swallowed an AirPod?

Those things have batteries in them.

-That face!

That's the same stupid face you made

when you swallowed it in the first place.

I didn't swallow my AirPod and put a pill in my ear, okay?

Duh!

And... this is my stop.

So, um, thank you all for your concern and everything

but, um, I'm fine!

Siri, call the fucking hospital!

ANNOUNCEMENT: All nurses to the nurses station...

[sighs] I don't know if I can do this.

Is it too late to cancel?

Okay, Kevin, stop being a baby.

It's just like getting a cavity.

- Yeah, for my balls! - Kevin!

[giggles]

Woop! [laughs]

NURSE: Are you all done filling out those forms?

Yup, thank you.

-Oh, are we putting your wife down

as your emergency contact?

Sorry, he's just a little nervous.

You can put me down. My name's...

No!

Kevin, we went over this.

This is a vasecto-me, not a vasecto-us.

- Okay... - I want that guy.

NURSE: [laughs awkwardly]

Uh, we don't usually recommend using a stranger

who is also getting the same procedure done as you

to be your emergency contact.

Him. I want him.

You know what?

As long as he stops putting babies inside me,

- I don't give a shit. - Hmm?

And put him down for me.

[sighs]

Oh, and nurse?

We'll be getting our vasectomies...

together.

Let the doctor know.

[deep breathing]

It's okay.

I'm scared too, but we're gonna be fine.

- [loud squish] - Ow, fuck!

Ow!

- Fuck! - Oh, does it hurt?!

It fucking kills!

- [groaning in pain] - Ow!

Fuck, fuck, fuck you, Cloe!

[screaming]

Are those my balls?

- Are those my balls?! - [monitors beeping faster]

Oh, God, that's fucking disgusting!

I can't do this, man! I can't do this!

[singing in pain]

Don't worry, don't worry, it's not that bad.

- [loud squish] - Oh, fuck you!

[monitor flatlines]

Doctor, we're losing him! Nurse, paddle!

Jordan, don't you die on me! Jordan, wake up!

- [monitor flatlines] - No!

Wake up!

[monitor beeping returns]

Well, that just about does it.

You guys are officially snipped.

Phew!

Well, we can finally come in our wives.

We can and we will.

♪

[seatbelt chime]

[seatbelts clicking open]

CAPTAIN: [on speaker] Evening, folks.

This is your captain speaking.

I'd like to ask for everyone to please remain in their seats

- while I address a quick issue. - Oh, what now?

I'm sure it's fine.

CAPTAIN: [on speaker] So, uh,

all my instruments up here are saying I had a perfect landing

but, uh, I actually didn't hear any claps from the cabin.

So, yeah, I think I'm just gonna go ahead and take her up again,

loop around, and see if we can't do better the second time.

[seatbelt chime]

Oh my God.

Excuse me, stewardess?

Are we actually taking off again?

We are ignoring you because of what you did

in the bathroom, sir.

Oh. I'm sorry.

STEWARDESS: Thanks. Seatbelts!

Seatbelts, buckle up...

Hey, what's this guy's problem?

Don't touch me!

MAN: [background] No, this is unacceptable!

MAN 2: Come on! MAN 3: Ugh...

JUDITH: And when we went through security,

they tried to take it from me,

so I kept it with me the entire time on the whole flight.

- And... - [knock on door]

WOMAN: Hey, Judith. Sorry we're late!

JUDITH: Hey!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, who's this?

Hi, sorry, this is Roger.

My ex was supposed to watch him today

but she bailed last minute. I hope it's okay?

JUDITH: Um...

It's fine, but just don't let him wreck anything, okay?

Oh, he would never, would you, good boy?

JUDITH: Okay, so as I was saying,

this Faberge egg has been in my family for generations.

It's as fragile as it is priceless.

MAN: Oh, Judith, it is stunning.

I know it is.

And that's why everybody had better be super careful

- around it. - [dog panting]

Judith, uh, how long have you lived here?

Oh, um, about a year.

We really like the neighbourhood

and the Walk Score is really, really good,

but if you really hate walking, then...

- [playful music] - [Roger whimpers]

The only thing I don't really like about this neighbourhood

is the traffic. I should have voted for...

MAN: Hey, look, John's doing a squirrel trick!

JOHN: Got any nuts?

[dog whines]

Mail's here!

MAN: Check out this dog porno I found.

-Whoa, awesome!

[slide whistle sound]

[playful music speeds up]

MAILMAN: Anybody order some mailman?

[music intensifies]

JOHN: [chatters like a squirrel]

- Weird! - Fuck you.

- [sneezes] - [loud crash]

No, my egg!

I must be allergic to that damn dog!

I'm so sorry.

Get that fucking dog outta here!

Come on, let's go. Bad dog.

Very bad dog!

Out!

♪

[toilet flushes]

[stall lock unlatches]

Oh, hi, Judith. How was your weekend?

-Hi. It was good.

I tried wakeboarding.

-Oh, the lake must have been beautiful.

-Yeah, yeah, it was.

- Hey, Laverne? - Yeah?

I don't... want to be rude,

but I think your hands are covered in shit.

-[laughs nervously] Oh, just one of those days.

You know the ones.

Uh, yeah. Totally.

- [water turns on] - Oh, thanks.

-Mm-hm.

Are you gonna use soap or not?

Hmm, not.

Laverne, your hands are covered in shit.

And so, what else?

You think I'm some kind of weirdo who deserves

minimal respect just because my hands aren't as clean as yours?

-No. Didn't say that.

-Huh. Interesting.

You ever wonder what the world would be like

if we all just cared a little bit less about what people did

in their personal time?

Is that so crazy to think about?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, Judith, you come in here

and you make me feel all insecure

just because you had a different upbringing than me.

Maybe I never had a mom to teach me how to wash my hands,

fingers, and thumbs.

Maybe I never had a dad to teach me how to wipe properly

instead of just kind of messing around down there

and being like, "Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on?"

Okay, Laverne!

I wasn't trying to psychoanalyze you.

It's just that you're gonna be walking around an office

where like 25 people work getting your shit everywhere!

All over the doorknobs, the computer mouse,

the coffee pot. It's gross.

Plus it's chicken wing and popcorn day.

[phone rings in background]

Let me guess. You're a saint, right?

No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

Not everybody gets to go wakeboarding

on the weekends, Judith.

Some of us don't work to live, we live to work.

I bet you never knew that I slept at the office, did you?

Yeah, for a period of two months when my long-term lover,

Steve Dortango, kicked me out for being an absolute mess,

I slept on the floor of Dan's office

every single goddamned night.

-Okay, well, before you were making it sound

like you were working so much,

but you were actually just homeless.

Let me ask you something, Judith.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

-What?

-Because for me, it was when I took a vacation to Arizona

ten years ago and I hit that cyclist with my car.

And you know what?

I didn't even slow down.

I just watched his mangled body get smaller and smaller

in the rear-view mirror as I drove off

to continue my life as is.

So I guess what I'm saying is that by comparison,

not washing the caked-on shit off my hands

doesn't really seem like that big of a deal, does it?

Laverne, did you kill someone?

What?

♪

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

[dance music]

- [woman squealing] - [woman giggling]

CLOE: You guys are so silly.

You're my best friends.

FRIEND: Aww, Cloe, we love you!

FRIEND 2: We love you!

Good afternoon, ladies. Welcome to Bulges.

My name's Trent. Could I get you started with...

- some drinks? - [laughter]

Um, I think we're just gonna start with

a round of Long Island cock teas.

- [all giggling] - Okay, I knew you'd be fun.

How about something to nibble on with those?

-Oh, yes, but I do have an allergy to pine nuts.

Would it be still possible to grab

the spaghetti and dickballs?

-You know what? Actually, I don't know.

Mind if I run to the kitchen real quick?

-Yes, please, but hurry because... me so hungwy!

[laughter]

Don't you worry. I'll be back in a flash.

- Okay. - [giggling and chatter]

MAN: These are pretty good.

[dance music continues]

- [wolf whistle] - [laughter]

CORY: Where the fuck are my cheesy jala-penis poppers?!

-Two minutes, asshole! We're fuckin' slammed!

-You're fuckin' slammed? I've got four tables waiting!

Do you understand the words that are comin' outta my mouth!

Fuck your four tables, Cory!

Maybe show up to work on time, you fucking drug addict!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you, Cory!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

- Order up! - You gotta be kidding me!

These are supposed to be honey garlic wings!

Chit says maple chipotle!

Honey garlic! Make 'em again!

Oh, go to hell, Trent!

Pine nuts in the spaghetti sauce: yes or no?

- Fuck you! - I can't t!

I'm gonna have a fucking heart attack!

Hang in there, Sally! Lunch rush is almost over.

[indistinct yelling]

[dance music]

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

Alright.

Good news, ladies, there's no pine nuts

- in the spaghetti sauce. - Yes!

Okay, well, for the record, I love nuts.

Ooh, you're bad!

Okay, so we're just gonna get some plates of spaghetti

- for the table to share? - Yeah, that sounds yummy.

- [loud crash] - WOMAN: What was that?

Oh, probably nothing.

Okay, a round of spaghetti and dickballs coming right up!

WOMAN: Excuse me, waiter?

I think I'm ready for something more stiff.

-Oh, you're ready to party, eh?

I'll be right back.

WOMAN: Trent, Trent, over here!

MAN: Boys' night! This is the best night.

No, Sally!

What's going on?! What the fuck happened?!

-Wake up, you son of a bitch, wake up!

[indistinct sobbing]

Sal, don't die on me! I love you!

- [gasps] - Sally boy, you're alive!

You think I'm gonna let you cocksuckers steal my tables?

TRENT: Never scare me like that again.

Don't ever give up on old Sal, huh?

Trent, you got a table that's been waiting for 15 minutes!

Move your ass!

Don't worry, kid. I'll be okay.

Go be the best, huh?

It's what you always do.

Yeah!

Guys... a little help here?!

[laughter]

♪

[sighs] How far is the Uber?

I don't know. The car's just sitting there.

Must be traffic.

- MAN: Hey, move! - [car honks]

- Move your ass! - Sorry!

[revving engine]

What the fuck is going on?

It's moving now.

[laughs] Stupid glitchy app.

Apparently it's driving through the park.

-Sure.

DRIVER: Oh my God, oh my God.

- Oh my God! - [honks]

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

- Get out of the fucking way! - [loud thud]

[screams]

Now the car is spinning over downtown!

[both chuckle]

[breathing deeply]

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

[radio playing indistinctly]

And now it's sideways on the highway...

[truck honking]

[screams]

You'd think a billion-dollar company

would know how to debug their software.

Stupid app.

MARY: Looks like it's just around the corner.

Finally!

Wait, I think I forgot my lipstick.

Did you check your bag?

- [muffled screaming] - Oh, here it is.

- [car honks] - DRIVER: Help!

MARY: For Mary?

DRIVER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No fucking dogs!

[Roger whines]

♪

♪

Hey, guys, we are live in 50 seconds.

♪

We are live in 45 seconds, people!

♪

Hey, where the hell is Trish? We're about to go on the air.

PRODUCER: Listen, Sal. I have some bad news.

Trish isn't making it in today.

We're gonna need you to stand in for her.

Me? I'm just a cameraman.

There are no other options.

Also, you know how seriously

we take our network's reputation, so...

you're gonna have to do it... naked.

No. No way, Jose.

Our viewers come to Naked News for one reason...

Informative, up-to-date, unbiased news

presented by people who slowly undress themselves.

It's that little bit of sugar.

And today, you're that sugar.

Okay.

- I'll do it. - Do it, Sal.

Do it.

DIRECTOR: Alright, we are live in five...

four... three...

[in a whisper] Good luck, Sal!

Hi, I'm Sal.

And this is Naked News.

- [belt buckle clinks] - [zipper unzips]

Thousands have died today after two planes collided

into the Twin Towers in New York City.

We go now to our New York correspondent.

This was a terrible mistake!

[lotion squelching]

Oh, someone's running low there.

Say when.

When! Pour much, you fucking idiot?

- [both laugh] - You got me.

Alright, see you in the deep end.

- Have fun! - Thank you.

[knock]

WOMAN: Hi, new neighbour!

I come bearing gift!

[laughs]

Oh, hey! Yeah, come on in.

Oh, wow!

[splashing]

- This is for you. - Oh, thanks!

That's so nice.

Thank you!

Ahh!

Phew!

Hey, sorry, I'm so bad with names.

Oh, that's totally fine.

Melinda Lupita. It's nice to meet you.

But... you can just call me Groot.

- Groot? - Yeah.

- Like the movie? - Yeah!

It's kinda like a fun, cute nickname.

- You know, "I am Groot." - Okay.

Well, if you want to come for a swim, our pool is your pool.

Thanks. Does he come with it?

[both laugh]

No, don't worry. I won't be, you know,

doing the nasty with your hubby or anything.

- What? - You know, hot dirty sex?

I won't be doing that with your husband.

But why would you say that?

Because I wouldn't.

I'm not the type of person to go around

sleeping with other people's husbands.

Like, I'm not gonna reverse cowgirl on him

when you're not home.

I'm not gonna piledrive 69 him or anything like that.

I promise!

Okay, well, I should probably get going

- 'cause I have stuff to do. - But it would be pretty easy

to do that if I was that type of person, though.

I mean, I live right there, you live right here.

What's stopping me from learning your schedule?

When you're going to work, when you're coming back.

When you're going away for the weekend with the girls?

I mean, what's stopping me...

from coming over here...

and pounding your husband?

I don't know. Nothing!

Okay...

[splashing]

Um...

And do not worry that I'm gonna befriend the both of you

and one day suggest a threesome,

and while we're doing that threesome you start noticing

that he's looking at me more than he's looking at you

because I'm reverse cowgirling on him,

and all of a sudden you get weird,

and then a couple days later

while you're off on a business trip,

I turn that threesome into a twosome

and we bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

Please don't ever think I would do that!

Because I'm not that type of girl.

Okay. Thanks, Melinda.

I am Groot.

♪

Come on, hurry up, Jacob! Let's go!

Here!

[wholesome music]

♪

This is gonna be great.

Mr. Delondo's gonna slip on that peel

and fall right on his butt!

Here he comes!

[Mr. Delondo grumbling]

Oh, shit, when'd he get a walker?

MR. DELONDO: Oh, Jesus...

- Mr. Delondo? - Huh?

- Watch out for the banana peel! - [loud squish]

Augh, whoa! Oh, shit!

Fuck me!

Oh, dear lord, no! Go to hell, you fucking kids!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, oh! Oh...

[romantic music]

Mmm, I thought I lost you forever.

As did I.

[ring clinks to ground]

Wow, still such a beautiful couple.

[applause]

♪

♪

♪

♪ I'll be your foolish lover... ♪

[airplane engine roars]

[cheering]

CAPTAIN: [on speaker] Alright, not bad, folks.

Not bad at all.

But, uh, it still feels like a few of you are, uh,

holding back those darned claps a little.

No!

CAPTAIN: Let's, uh, give it another shot.

Maybe eight times will be the charm.

- Up we go. - [seatbelt chime]

Let us off the plane, you bastard!

No yelling on the plane, please!

♪ I'll be your foolish lover ♪

♪ All through this endless summer ♪

♪ Hold you close under the covers... ♪

♪

♪