All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S04E14.Prodigal.Son.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- Stop it!
It's mine! It's mine!

- That's enough fighting!

Everybody, that's enough.

We're goin' to church.
Come on.

- [groaning]

- All right. Okay, here.
Turn that off.

- How come daddy never
has to go to church?

- Why don't you
ask daddy?

- [mumbled]
I have to work, honey.

- See? He's eating
his business lunch.

- I am working.
There's a big game on today.

- I thought it didn't
start until 1:00.

- Okay, yeah,
but there's a pregame.

Look, I don't tell you
how to do your job, right?

- All right, everybody,
let's go!

Church time!

Chop-chop.

- You usually
hide upstairs until we leave.

A little more brazen
in your blasphemy.

- Don't tell him
how to do his job.

Come on. Let's go.

- Hey, what...?

I don't know why god

Put church and football
at the same time.

As a matter of fact,
bring that up today.

- Come on, kids!
Wait up; wait up, kids!

- Unwashed, unshaven,
scratching himself.

All my love,
all my--my caring.

I poured my heart
into this boy.

This is my one regret
as a parent.

- I'm the one
goin' to church!

[gentle piano music]

- What'd you do there?

- They're coming!

[beethoven's "ode to joy"
from "symphony no. 9"]

[music stops abruptly]

[lock clicks]

[heart beating]

[mail slot door squeaking]

[beethoven's "ode to joy"
from "symphony no. 9"]

- Hey, ray...

- Hey, debra, look.
Look at this.

- What?

- You're in jail.
Look at that.

- Goin' on ten years now.
Yeah.

Honey, show daddy
your picture.

- Oh...Did you draw this?
That's beautiful.

You're quite
the little artist.

- Yeah, tell daddy
what it is.

- No, no, no.
Let me guess.

Uh, that's
a big orange wall.

- It's fire.

- Fire. Yes, of course,
it's fire.

It's a big wall of fire,

And that must be
the fireman.

- Actually, ally told me
it's a picture of hell.

- You--

You mean "heck," right?

Right, ally?

So is that the devil?

- Nope. It's you.

- Me? I--

I--I'm...

Why am I in heck,
sweetie?

- Because that's
what grandpa said.

- Grandpa said that?

What? Grandpa told you
that I'm going to heck?

- He said, "hell."

- Really?

Really? Why did
grandpa say that?

- 'cause you
don't go to church.

- Grandpa said that?

Where were you?

- I was in church.

- Okay, I'm gonna, uh,

I'm gonna go
across the street

'cause, uh...

If I'm gonna go to heck,
I'm takin' him with me.

- Marie!

- Go ahead, frank!

- [giggles]

She is good for somethin'.

Mmm! Mmm.

- All right, dad.

Why did you
tell ally that--

- You want some cake?
- No.

- Good.

See this picture, dad?

It's a picture
of me in hell.

My seven-year-old
daughter drew it

Because her grandpa
told her

That's where
her father's goin':

To hell!

What kind of a mind
does that?

- Mmm! This cake almost
makes marriage bearable.

Hey!

- Why did you tell her that?

- I never told her
you were going there.

She asked me
what happens to people

Who don't go to church.

I said,
"they go to hell, sweetie."

She must have
put two and two together.

Smart kid.

- Go--go over there
right now

And tell her
that I'm not goin' to hell!

- You know,
I would love to,

But I don't
make the rules.

Oh, you know what?
Whipped cream.

- Hey, you really think
that I'm goin' to hell?

- I try not
to think about it.

- Look, hey, I don't care
what you think, all right?

I don't want you
talkin' to my kids

About this stuff anymore;
you got that?

- Since when
do you give me orders?

- Since you crossed
over the line.

- Hi, raymond. You hungry?
Have some cake.

- I don't want any cake!

- We have whipped cream.

- How about this, marie.

Your son doesn't
want me talkin'

To my own grandchildren.

- Oh?

- That isn't what I said.

- I'll talk to anyone
I want anytime I want.

- Unfortunately, raymond,
this is america.

- Mom, I don't want him
tellin' ally--

- Hey, hey!
What are you doin'?

Are you talkin'
to my wife?

- What?

- Don't talk to my wife.

- All right, all right,
dad, don't be cute.

- Hey, hey, hey,
you want to be like that,

You don't talk to her.

Only I talk to her.

Hello, sweetheart.
How are you?

- Oh, I'm fine, but, you know,
I have a thing that--

- Oh, stop it, mom!

He doesn't care
how you are!

- Hey!

You're talkin' to her.

Stop talkin' to her.

- No. It's all right,
frank.

He can talk to me

Unless you want to
talk to me some more.

I liked it.

- I was just making a point.

- Dad told ally
that I am going to hell.

- Frank.

- He never goes
to mass, marie.

It's an open-and-shut case.

- You see? You see, ma?

- No, you should go
to mass, raymond.

- I don't want to go!

- Why do you hurt me?

- Look, I don't mean
to hurt you, mom--

- Stop hurting your mother.
Go to church.

- No!
- Oh! Ooh...

Oh...

- Look what you're doin' to her.
Go to church!

- No, no!
I don't feel like it.

- "I don't feel like it."

That's the problem
with you kids today.

Everything has to feel good.

Do you think
world war ii felt good?

Do you think korea
felt good?

In my day,
nothing felt good!

- Why don't you
go back to your day

And stop ruining mine?

- 12 years of catholic school
down the toilet.

Go to church!

- Frank, you can't just scream
at someone to go to church.

- Well, 40 years
of your guilt hasn't worked.

- I need more time.

- Look, I--all I'm sayin' is,
from now on,

If ally asks you something
about religious stuff

Or government or minorities,

Please refer her to me!

- How do you think I feel?

It's embarrassing.
I'm in church.

People are saying,
"how come ray's never here?

Didn't you
raise him right?"

- They say that?
- Shut up.

- Yeah.

Look, I'm not goin'
just to make you look good.

- Go to church!
- No!

- Then thou are doomed

To suffer the fires
of eternal damnation.

- See, now, I would never scream
at you like that, raymond,

Because I know
that your failures...

Are my fault.

[spoon scraping]

- That's right, the whole thing.

You married a man.

- Hmm.

- "24 grams of fat."

Yeah, but don't worry.

I'll be burning it off...
In hell.

Okay, I'm goin' up.

- Okay.

- You know, I kind of understand
how your father feels.

- Okay, good night.

- No, ray.
Wait, wait, wait.

- Oh! Eh...

- You still consider
yourself catholic?

- What are you
talking about?

Uh, yeah, I'm catholic.
You can't change that.

It's like being italian

Or--or...

Sexy.

- So why don't
you go to mass?

- Come on, look, it's not
like I never go, right?

And you go all the time,

And according
to this married thing,

We are one.

- Okay, no, you know,

I'm not trying
to make a big thing.

I was just thinking
about you and your father

And, you know,
why you got so angry about it.

- Because it's none
of his business.

- Why don't you
go to church?

- I don't know. I--

It's--it's because
of the kneeling, really.

It's just--you know
I have bad knees.

- You know,
god can hear you right now.

- Let me finish.

All right?

That's not
the only reason.

That's--
that's one of 'em.

All right, listen,
when I go--

When I go there,

I should be thinking
about god, right?

But instead I'm thinking about
some column I'm workin' on,

Uh, "what's up
with this guy's scalp?

"oh, that lady sneezed.

I'm not shaking
her hand."

I'm not focused.

I feel like I'm just going
through the motions,

And that's--
that's not respectful, right?

- Yeah, you're right.

I mean, you shouldn't go

If you're just goin'
through the motions.

- What are you doin'?

- What? I'm agreeing
with you.

- No, you're trying
to make me feel guilty.

- No, I'm not.

- You're
just like my mother.

- Why do you
have to insult me?

We're talking.

And, besides,
you're the one

That had to eat
a whole pint of ice cream.

If you're feeling guilty,
it's not because of me.

- Let me tell you
something.

I practice being a good person
every day, okay?

I'm a decent fellow.

I--I do good things.

I always
leave a big tip.

If a squirrel runs
in front of the car,

Do I not swerve?

I'm considerate
of people's feelings.

Remember the plumber
who came over with the big eye?

I treated him like a completely
normal person, okay?

So why do I have
to go to church every Sunday

To prove my goodness?

I'm living it.

- Well, you know, since
you are so good during the week,

Maybe on sundays, we should
have everybody come over here

And sit around you.

- Okay, all right.

Why do you go,
miss holy...

Moly?

- Why do I go?

- Yeah.

- I go, you know,
to thank god

For you and the kids

And to pray for the strength

To get through another week
with you and the kids.

- Okay. Yeah.

- No. No, really.

You know,
I go to get re-energized,

To be part of something
that's bigger than me

And my little problems.

You know, it reminds me

That I'm not
the be-all and end-all.

There's something out there
that's greater than me.

- Why do you have to
have an answer for everything?

- And you know what else?

I like the feeling
of community, the tradition,

And I think that's what's
bugging your father.

You know, he wanted to pass
his faith onto you.

It's probably
the only valuable thing

That he thinks
he can give you,

And you've rejected it.

- Okay, I need more ice cream.

You know, a lot of people

Would have made fun
of that plumber, okay?

Big muppet-eye guy.

- Hey, you workin' the church
carnival next weekend?

- Yeah, my wife signed me up
for the dunking booth again.

She loves seeing me wet.

- Hey, ray's here!
[laughs]

- And also with you.

- What are you doin' here?

- Nothing. Going to church.

- How come?

- I...Just felt like it.

- Yeah, well, we don't need
you part-timers

Dropping by
whenever you feel like it.

It screws up the parking.

- I'm thinkin' of making this
a regular thing.

- Yeah, right.

- No, I'm serious.

- You want
to come every Sunday?

- Do they have it
every Sunday?

Yeah. Every Sunday.

- Yeah, until your mother's
guilt wears off.

- No, no, it wasn't her.

Look, you
want to know the truth?

It was you.

I want to set an example
for my kids, you know,

Like you did.

- What are you,
being a wise guy?

- No. I mean it.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Look at you.

- Mmm!

- Us barones,
we clean up pretty good, eh?

- Hey, it's the offertory,
people.

Where are my ushers?

Let's go. Let's go.

Get the lead out.
Come on.

Come on.
Go, go, go, go!

- Father hubley,
good news.

Raymond my son
is coming back to the church.

- Really?

- Every Sunday.

- Welcome back, raymond.

Frank, you waiting
for an engraved invitation?

Come on.

- Well, well, well,

The prodigal son returns.

Of course,
no one applauds a faithful son,

Because the faithful son
never leaves.

- The faithful son
has nowhere to go.

- So what's your angle,
raymond?

- Nothin'.
I was thinking about dad and--

- Oh, you're comin' back
because of dad.

- Yeah. Every Sunday.
That's right.

- And you're gonna
sit in the pews

And be with the family?

- Hey, if dad can do it,
I can do it.

- [chuckling]

- What?

- Dad doesn't do it.

- What do you mean?

- I do it.

Mom, debra,
the kids do it.

But dad?
He's an usher.

- So?

- So that means he spends
most of his time out here,

Not in there.

Back here, he doesn't have
to listen to all that--

As he puts it--
"mumbo jumbo."

- God of all creation.

[people chanting]

- That's right, ray.

Oh, yeah, occasionally,
he'll go down the aisle

With the collection basket

And wink
at the pretty ladies,

And he hustles back

To count the money
and clocks out.

It's a beautiful set-up.

Mom can't get on his case
for not going to mass.

He's here every Sunday
serving the lord.

He's just doin' it
from the first-class lounge.

- Oh, my god.

Debra told me this was
the best part of him.

- Well...

- I knew there
was no best part of him.

Oh, and I just promised
in front of god and everybody.

- All right, boys,
count 'em up!

- Hey, frank, get a load
of roseanne kelly today?

Whoo-ooh.

- Yeah. With
the low-cut thing?

I almost gave her a dollar.

[laughter]

- Praise the lord!
[laughter]

- Looks like
I'm ahead here, boys.

Ooh, look at this,
a $50 bill.

Someone did somethin'
to somebody.

- Hold it. Hold it.
This is it?

This is what you do
every Sunday?

- What?
- This.

This--laughin' and--
and talkin' about women

And bettin' on who collected
the most money?

Isn't this where jesus
is supposed to come in

And turn
this table over?

- Since when
did you start wearin' sandals?

- [laughs]

- You're so full of it, dad,
you know?

Acting all high
and mighty,

Tellin' me that
I'm gonna burn in...

You know where,
this is it?

This is what you wanted
to pass onto me,

Your little
sportsman's lodge?

You know what?
Forget it.

I'm not goin'
to church, okay?

'cause I don't
need your hypocrisy.

- "hypocrisy."

- Ooh, hypocrisy. Ooh!

- Who are you to judge?

There's no hypocrisy.

I made a commitment
to the lord,

And I'm here
every Sunday, helping.

If you want to break your
commitment to your family,

To father hubley,
and to god,

Go right ahead.

Don't worry.

It's a dry heat.

- Fine. All right.

I'm not gonna
break my commitment.

I said
I'm coming every week,

And that's exactly what
I'm gonna do.

Not only that,

I would like to volunteer
to be an usher.

- What?

- I want to be an usher.
Come on, dad.

That would be great.

You and me,
we could usher together.

- You mean, you wanna be
an usher like your old man?

[laughter]

- What? Why?
What's so funny?

- You know how long
the waiting list is?

It took me 20 years
to become an usher.

- Oh, oh,
well, I could be a fill-in guy,

You know, for when somebody
gets sick.

You don't
look so good.

- Sorry, kid, I promised that
to your brother.

- Oh, I hate that guy.

- Look, you already missed
half the mass here.

Come on, you better
get back in there

If you want this one
to count.

- All right, but--but--

- Hey, look, I got a lot of work
to do here, son.

Go and join your family.

- All right, I'm here.

- Anybody watch
the knicks game last night?

- Yeah.
It was great.

- Father, you are holy indeed,

And all creation rightly
gives you praise.

- What?

- Nothing.

This is nice.

- ...Through your son
jesus christ our lord.

By the working
of the holy spirit,

From age to age

You gather a people to yourself.

So that from east to west...

To the glory of your name.

[sermon continues indistinctly]

- [warbles]

- Raymond.

- Peace be with you.