Original subtitles

Well, let's hear the results of your investigation.

Right.

A survey of locations in the Tomobiki

Shopping District where snacking may occur

TOP SECRET

The shops where students are likely to visit include:

Akamaru Bakery, which serves bread and ice cream.

Ebiya, which serves taiyaki waffles.

Cat Diner, which serves ramen and takoyaki.

Zipang, which serves okonomiyaki.

Kotobuki, which serves oden stew.

Lucky, which serves crepes.

That concludes my findings.

I see.

So, the plan is to place lookouts near each of those, right?

Yes.

And if we catch anybody who breaks the snacking rules...

then we'll whip them into line right then and there!

Let's show those hoodlums the error of their ways!

Yeah!

Right on!

CLASS 2-4

Hey everyone!

Bad news.

The rumors about the school cracking down on snacking during lunch break this week...

are all true.

That sucks.

The teachers are going to set up ambushes near all our favorite spots.

Man, why do they gotta ruin it?!

What are we supposed to do now?

Listen up!

We're not gonna take this sitting down, are we?!

The teachers are nothing but tyrants!

Yeah! Screw them!

Nobody in their right mind waits until lunch break to eat their lunch!

I refuse to go hungry, dammit!

Right on!

Let's take the fight to them!

Fair and square!

YEAAAAAAAH!

YEAAAAAAAH!

Come on, Moroboshi! What kind of answer was that?

Oops. Did I get it wrong?

We just went over this last week!

Not long now...

The bell's gonna ring.

And then the battle will begin!

Don't forget to do your homework!

Yes sir.

The Great Off-Campus Snack Battle

RUSH

Look, the school gate is wide open!

Charge! Don't stop for anything!

What the hell?!

Mendo! You damn traitor!

CIVILITY

How could you choose to side with the teachers?!

Heh. Because we are...

SCHOOL

SANCTIONED

members of the Covert Civility Patrol!

We were specially chosen to participate in this week's crackdown

Stupid turncoat! We were specially chosen to participate in this week's crackdown

Stupid turncoat! as the elite of the elite!

as the elite of the elite!

CLENCH!

It's time to make our teachers proud!

We're kids who do the right thing!

Don't cry.

Let's give it everything we have!

We're united by courage!

What're those clowns doing over there?

They're getting away in droves!

We've totally got this!

Cat Diner

Something's up. I don't see any lookouts.

Welcome, please come... uh.

Pardon, miss.

Have any of our teachers come by?

N-no, they haven't.

Sweet. I guess Mr. Onsen must've forgotten about this place.

I'm getting the tanuki udon!

Fried rice here!

Ramen for me!

Me too!

Coming right up!

Hah! What a piece of cake! Coming right up!

Hah! What a piece of cake!

So much for the school's big "crackdown".

Curse you! This is too cruel! So much for the school's big "crackdown".

We appreciate your cooperation, ma'am.

Just you wait, little brats!

We're gonna bust the lot of you the instant you start snacking!

Thanks for waiting, here's your ramen.

Something wrong? You look kinda under the weather, miss.

SQUEEZE!

Hey! What's the big idea?!

W-well, okay then...

SKIDDOO

I see how it is.

That lady must have the hots for me.

Tough call.

I mean, she's gotta be the same age as my mom...

What the?!

RUN FOR IT

WHAMO!

You're busted.

Crap, it's Mr. Onsen!

Myaaaao!

Cheese it!

Now's your chance! Run for it, kids!

Man, that was a dirty trick! Get back here, myaooo!

Run faster! Stop! Let go of me!

Stop! Let go of me!

Cut it out!

Hey! The way to Akamaru Bakery is totally blocked off!

Same with the way to Lucky!

Seriously?!

DOGGONE IT!!

DOGGONE IT!!

DASH

GET BACK HERE!

He's not letting up!

This is as far as you go!

The Covert Civility Patrol is now on the scene!

They've got us trapped!

Oh, Mendo!

You gotta let us go!

BOO HOO HOO HOO

Pretty please?

Help us out!

You're our only hope! Please Mendo!

I'm so sorry, ladies. But as a proud member of...

Please Mendo!

Yes, of course! Always happy to help out a lady!

Thanks so much, Mendo!

Jeez. You're the best!

Not good, Mendo...

Hey! Do your jobs, Civility Patrol! Not good, Mendo...

Hey! Do your jobs, Civility Patrol!

Oh, Ataru?

Thanks for the help!

Miss Lum! It's my pleasure!

Thanks, handsome!

Fancy-pantsy!

Fancy-pantsy! Please go right ahead!

Hey! Wait a second! S-stop!

EBIYA

Hey granny! Can we get 5 taiyaki waffles?

N-no can do.

Huh?

That's enough, kids.

You know the rules. No off-campus snacking.

It's Nurse Sakura!

Oh man, look at all those plates!

She's eaten everything they've got!

Damn! I'd like to order 50 more, please.

Let's head to Kotobuki for oden stew! I'd like to order 50 more, please.

Let's head to Kotobuki for oden stew! No way! I'm all outta ingredients!

No way! I'm all outta ingredients!

KOTOBUKI

Crud! Get your hands off me!

I cat you red-handed!

Look, officer! There's trouble!

Meow?

PAT

Hey there. You're going to need to come with me to the station.

I'm a teacher, you see...

Lies! He's a pervert in a cat costume!

Wh-what?! I don't buy that you're a teacher with an outfit like that on!

I don't buy that you're a teacher with an outfit like that on!

Oh come on!

Hurry up and vouch for me, kids!

We've never seen him before! Hurry up and vouch for me, kids!

We've never seen him before!

Cuff him, officer!

Just hear meowt! I can explain everything!

I have no idea who you are, but thanks for the help. Just hear meowt! I can explain everything!

I have no idea who you are, but thanks for the help. Yeah, right.

I have no idea who you are, but thanks for the help.

No thanks necessary!

For you see, I'm only disguised as a mild-mannered newspaper reporter.

Let me show you! My true identity!

TOMOSHO

A representative of the Tomobiki Shopping District!

TOMOSHO

Uh-huh... cool.

RUSH

Run for it!

Get back here!

No off-campus snacking!

Stupid teachers camping out all over the place!

But they've bit off more than they can chew!

Because we know the layout of this area better than anyone else!

Argh! The little rascals split up!

Squad Three calling all units!

SCAMPER

They're running all over the dang place! Be on the lookout for students headed your way!

Over!

Roger!

Oh boy, this is like playing pretend spy!

Shh!

Hey kids! Come over here!

You can go through this way to get to the front.

Oh nice, it's a back entrance to Zipang!

Well shucks, it's great to know the shopping district has our back.

Thanks, mister!

Hang in there!

Whoa. Isn't that our Japanese teacher, Mr. Iwanami?

Yeah. He was being a nuisance so I tied him up.

Sweet! That means this place is safe to eat at!

Hey! I see you guys made it, too.

Yo!

So, what can I get you?

Hook me up with grilled squid!

I'll take a large order of yakisoba noodles!

I want a modanyaki.

Okonomiyaki filled with a bunch of chili peppers!

Wow, missy, that's quite the palate you've got!

Jeez, Lum. I didn't know you were a fan of spicy foods.

Getting risky to snack outside of school, huh?

Well...

I'd go through hell itself...

just to hang with you, baby!

KERSMACK!

I'll have to ask you to cut it out, sir.

Aw, don't be like that!

Your angelic presence is the whole reason I come here!

Here you go, missy!

Your okonomiyaki filled with an extra serving of chili peppers is ready!

Oh, darling?

Say "ahh"!

Ahh.

SHOVE

ZIPANG

You okay, Ataru?!

Water! Need water!

Water! Somebody give me water! Moroboshi! Got you now!

Wateeeeeeeeeeer!

Wateeeeeeeeeeer!

Darling! Wait for me! Wateeeeeeeeeeer!

We're going in circles!

How many times do I have to explain it?!

I'm a TEACHER!

Uh-huh, sure.

You have no idea how many times I've gotten that one from a perp.

Aw hell! You gotta let me get back on the frontlines, please!

Don't push yourself too hard.

Oh pshaw, I'm fine!

I ain't losing to these young'uns!

Water! P-pardon me!

Hey you!

WATER!

WAAAAAATER!

STOMP

OH NO, POPS!

Darling! Stop running!

Poor ol' pops...

Calling all units!

It pains me to report that we just lost ol' pops in the line of duty!

I'm still alive, dangnabbit!

He was a role model to all teachers out there.

A true hero up until the very end!

Oh, pops!

I swear that your death won't be in vain!

You just really want me dead, doncha?

Those brats took out ol' pops!

We gotta avenge him!

All of this running around is going to starve us to death!

We're here and we're hungry, darn it!

It's time to lay our lives on the line!

And fight for the sake of our food!

Yeah!

DASH

No snacking off-campus!

Shut up!

It's do or die now!

Bring it on!

And so, the first day of the school's

crackdown on off-campus snacking during lunch break came to an end.

Cuckoos!

I guess we're calling it a draw for today!

We're gonna kick ass tomorrow!

Yeah!

You won't beat us tomorrow!

Well, I'm not catting you brats any slack!

We're going to avenge the death of pops!

I'm right here, yeesh!

You have to be freaking kidding me.

There's no way this nonsense can go on for a whole week...

STAY TUNED FOR THE SECOND HALF!

BATTLE READY

Let's kick ass tomorrow!

Yeah!

Here. Say "ahh"!

Wow! It's so yummy!

Hey Ten! Come over here next!

Okay. Say "ahh"!

Mmm! So yummy!

Eat some of mine now!

Say "ahh"!

Yay!

You're so adorable, Ten!

I don't get it. You're so adorable, Ten!

Why is that rugrat so special?

Do you want another bite? Why is that rugrat so special?

Do you want another bite? What drives them to spoil him like that?

Shucks, I'm in food heaven! What drives them to spoil him like that?

Shucks, I'm in food heaven!

Maybe it's that stupid face he makes.

Like this?

Hey, Nurse Sakura? I've been meaning to ask...

Do you have a boyfriend?

Sakura actually has a fiance!

Omigosh!

His name is Tsubame, and he's a total hunk!

Wow! Do you have a picture or anything?

I totally wanna see him!

He's just a normal guy you'd find about anywhere.

I don't see a point in showing you.

And yet she brings out a picture anyway!

Eager to brag, I guess.

Why the cape?

Tsubame studied overseas in the west so he could obtain mastery over black magic.

He's a sorcerer with enough spiritual power to impress even my uncle.

I didn't realize he was that type of person...

A perfect fit for you, Sakura!

That's nice and all,

but ya can never know if an engagement will end in a happy marriage!

Hold on, what is that supposed to mean?!

Calm down, Sakura! Don't get upset!

Listen, I know just the thing ya need!

What are you doing?

Just wait and see!

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Wh-what a load of crap.

Wait, Ten...

Click.

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It's here!

This is it!

Ya can use this to find out

if that guy is really gonna end up being yer hubby or not.

That's not something I even need to check.

You sure?

Hey, Ten. Can I take a look at it?

Okay.

Thank you!

All you gotta do is look right in here!

I wonder who it'll be?

STAAAAAAARE

STAAAAAAARE

Whose face are you seeing?

Um, Ten? Are you sure this thing is legit?

Sure as shootin'!

Well, gosh.

I just can't believe that I'd marry him...

Don't be silly, Shinobu!

But...

Ya can't change your destiny!

Yer gonna get married to whichever guy ya just saw, and that's that!

N-no! It can't be!

Who on earth was it?

C'mon, spill the beans. Who was it? I wanna take a look, too!

Here.

I'm going to see my darling for sure!

BLOOOMPH

Rei?!

That's ridiculous!

STAAAAAAARE

KA-THUD!

Oh, goodness me.

Wh-why would destiny set me up with Rei?!

Be careful now! You could have broken it.

I really hope that I see Rei!

STAAAAAAARE

BLOOOMPH

SHOCK

OOF OOF

D-Darling...?!

GLOOOOOOOOOM

What's the matter with you girls?

So hey! Tell us who you saw, Ran!

Y-you first, Lummy-poo! Who did you see?

I can't bring myself to tell her I saw Rei, even if it kills me!

She'd friggin' kill me the instant I brought up her darling!

Smile!

For you. Just don't spill any.

What do you think? Tasty, huh?

Yeah!

Tell me, Nurse Sakura. Have you seen Mr. Tsubame lately?

He's on his way here right now.

HUH?!

This is where we're supposed to meet up.

Why do you ask?

M-maybe I should get going...

But I can't try to change my destiny...

Oh gosh. What should I do?!

Why are you so flustered?

Dude. What rock did you crawl out from under?

Let's not sweat the details.

POP

Hey.

Hi.

This is crazy!

Mr. Tsubame can't be the person I marry!

It's too much!

I mean, we're pretty far apart in age!

Hold the phone. What are you even talking about?

She seems pretty rattled.

They must be having a rather serious conversation.

That can't be good. I better go check on them!

Wait, Moroboshi!

Nurse Sakura, I'm sorry...

But Mr. Tsubame is who I saw in the crystal ball!

Oh please! That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard!

I'm being honest!

Just give it here!

STAAAAAAARE

BLOOOMPH

AYUK YUK YUK!

Who did you see?

What the heck happened?!

She's totally shell-shocked.

I bet it's because she didn't see Mr. Tsubame!

Then who exactly did she see?!

SNEAK

Wh-why did I see two guys?!

And worse, it had to be the biggest horndogs around...

PUWAAAANG!

Yeowch!

Wh-what brought that on all of a sudden...?

HUFF

Darling! What were you doing under there?

Okay, you two. Sit your butts down here.

NOT THERE!

But why? You just said "here".

Listen to me closely.

You have to think about the age difference!

And besides, bigamy is a crime by law!

Are you trying to send me to prison or what?!

You saw my darling in the crystal ball?!

You saw Mendo in the crystal ball?!

Jeez, darling.

Were you seriously planning on two-timing me with Nurse Sakura?

Huh?

DARLING!

Why didn't you show up in the crystal ball for me?!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, Lummy-poo? Care to tell me who you did see?

Wait, dammit! Don't you try and avoid me like that!

Oh no, it better not have been Rei you saw.

WHAT THE HELL! DAMN YOU, LUM!

Whatever, Ran! You didn't tell me who you saw, either!

Yikes, things are getting pretty dicey around here...

I think I better hightail it!

What?!

You're saying I'm gonna get married to both Ran AND Sakura?!

Yippee!

A wife for each arm!

DARLING!

SMACK! POW!

Not if you were the last man on Earth.

No way! Rei is the only guy for me!

That's the spirit.

Forget about doubling up with that idiot Moroboshi and just get married with me.

The same goes for you!

Interesting... but I'm afraid I don't really follow you.

It's our destiny! It's all destined to happen!

TSUBAMEEEEE!

KAWHAM!

You bastard!

Just how many girls have you sunk your dirty teeth into?!

Huh?

Please stop! Violence is not the answer!

We can't change destiny!

Don't just up and accept it!

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I'm not marrying anyone but Rei, darn it!

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Stupid jerks!

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That Mizunokoji Boy

Love Letter Trouble

On the next episode of Urusei Yatsura.

I recognize you! You're Ton!