Original subtitles

Okay! Look over here, Lum!

Ready? Here we go!

Say cheese!

That looks great on you!

It's so wonderful having a girl in the house.

Formal attire is always best suited to young ladies.

Don't you think so, dear?

Yep, that's for sure.

Boys are just totally bland in comparison.

Do you want to take more pictures?

I'd love to!

All right. It's time to eat.

I can't wait to dig in!

Darling! Over here!

What's gotten you all grumpy, Ataru?

Gee whiz, excuse ME for not being a girl.

My goodness!

Just imagine how tough it would be if Ataru had been born a girl!

A female Ataru...

More like "Atako", huh?

Yikes, I bet she would have been super ugly!

Come now!

Don't be so brutally honest, dear. You have to sugarcoat these things.

Oops, my bad. Sorry!

I'm not putting up with that kind of hostility!

What is this thing?

Wh-what the hell...?

Ten is Here

Whoa, dis shtuff is so stwechy...

It's called "mochi".

Hey, Mom! We got a kid in the mail!

Huh?

Get your hands off me, fathead! Is this how you treat a guest?!

So is it a boy, or a girl?

Why? Are you gonna raise it like your own if it's a girl?

Still upset about that, hm? Someone's been bitten by the jealousy bug.

Let go of me already, jeez!

Oh! It's little Ten!

Lum! It's you!

Come here, my little Ten!

Hooray!

WIGGLE

WIGGLE

Aw, look at you go!

Wow, you're zooming!

So fast, so quick!

Yeah, right.

So fast, so quick!

You're such a speedster!

Hooray!

This is my little cousin, Ten!

This is my big cousin, Lum!

Oh boy.

Gosh, Ten. I'm so impressed you found this place!

I had somebody deliver me!

Makes sense. That explains the postal tag.

Aw, Ten! Look at you being all clever!

A toast to the postal workers who didn't even bat an eye.

Cheers.

Dammit.

I finally get a chance to meet up with Sakura thanks to the new year, but now...

This is so exciting!

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BRINGING THAT STUPID RUGRAT?!

Because he's such a good boy!

Yeah! I'm a good boy!

Whatever.

Staaaaaaaaaaaare.

I just don't want him getting in the way of my romantic escapades with Sakura.

Hey!

Wh-what's your problem?

You're supposed to be Lum's "darling" husband, huh?

Well, I give you a big thumbs down.

What are you, stupid?!

Lum made up all that marriage crap herself!

I don't want anything to do with her!

BAFOOOOOOM!

Whoa!

It's a liar liar pants on fire!

So fast, so quick!

Pardon me!

Demon Exterminators

We're here, Nurse Sakura!

Happy New Year

Oh?

So this is your cousin, Lum?

Hello! My name is Ten!

Aw, how cute!

Just adorable!

Well, I'm Shinobu.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meetchu!

Um, so you're Shinobu and over there is...

Greetings. I am Sakura.

Sakura is such a great name! I love it a lot!

Who does this brat think he is? Schmoozing with all the ladies like that.

Why thank you. Who does this brat think he is? Schmoozing with all the ladies like that.

Who does this brat think he is? Schmoozing with all the ladies like that.

Not only that, but I think you're both super pretty!

Aw shucks!

Is that so? Well, aren't you just the cutest thing?

A pair of real beauties for sure!

We know. You don't have to tell us.

Dearie me!

I didn't know you'd all be coming today!

I hope you're having a happy new year!

Ran, my sweet!

Why are you here? What's the occasion?

Right now, she's working as a part time shrine maiden for us.

That's right! Tee-hee!

Cool! Come on, baby! Let's snuggle-

Hi, Ran!

C-crap, it's Ten!

What the hell is he doing here on Earth?!

Yay!

Hey, little one. You know who Ran is?

Yep! Ran actually lives right next door to my family!

Shush! Shush! Shush!

But Ten lives way out on Planet Oniboshi.

If Ran is really his next door neighbor, then...

I guess that means Ran is actually an alien from outer space!

Yep! She's an alien like us!

That friggin' Lum!

She's trying to use this little kid as a way to expose my true identity!

Talk about playing dirty!

Well, nice try, but it's not gonna work on me!

Tee-hee! Nice to meet you!

But we've already met before!

Silly billy!

You must have me confused for someone who looks really similar!

What? So you're not Ran?

I'm a different Ran from the one you know.

Well, that would make the most sense.

They do say that everyone has up to three look-alikes out in the world.

She's totally flipped the situation around.

So adorable.

Play dumb if you want, but kids have sharp eyes that can't be fooled!

Gosh. Whatever do you mean by that, Lumy-poo?

Come on, just give up and confess who you real-

CHECK OUT THIS BEDWETTER OVER HERE, EVERYBODY!

Did you hear that...?

Not a word.

Well then, here's the next verse...

"Double-flowered bloomed the cherry trees in Nara, capital of old."

Here! "Double-flowered bloomed the cherry trees in Nara, capital of old."

Here. "Double-flowered bloomed the cherry trees in Nara, capital of old."

"Double-flowered bloomed the cherry trees in Nara, capital of old."

Darn. Too slow. "Double-flowered bloomed the cherry trees in Nara, capital of old."

Darn. Too slow.

"Wherever it runs, the crimson leaves of autumn shiver and wither."

Here! "Wherever it runs, the crimson leaves of autumn shiver and wither."

Here. "Wherever it runs, the crimson leaves of autumn shiver and wither."

"Wherever it runs, the crimson leaves of autumn shiver and wither."

Bummer. I was too slow again. "Wherever it runs, the crimson leaves of autumn shiver and wither."

"Spring is now over and summer seems to have come, rows of drying clothes."

Gosh, where could it be? "Spring is now over and summer seems to have come, rows of drying clothes."

Yippee! I found it! "Spring is now over and summer seems to have come, rows of drying clothes."

Here! "Spring is now over and summer seems to have come, rows of drying clothes."

Ow!

Hot! Hot! Hot!

WHAT WAS THAT, YOU LITTLE SHIT?!

That's what you get for trying to grab Ran's hand!

Cripes!

Let's quit playing karuta.

The idea of my hand getting fondled every time I reach for a card is a huge turn off.

You think that's bad?

Try getting your hand burned to a crisp just for grabbing someone else's!

West vs East

New Year's

Hidden Talent Show!

I prefer celebrating new year's day with a talent show!

Raise your hand if you want to participate!

Wow, a talent show!

You should get up there and do something funny, Ten!

Okay! Guess I'll show off my flying skills!

WIGGLE

Wow, so quick!

Wow, so fast!

Oh ho?

Get the lead out already! You turtle!

We're gonna be here all night!

What's wrong? Hurry it up!

Wonderful! Amazing!

You moved so fast! You're such a speedster!

That was most impressive, indeed!

Dammit! That little hellspawn!

Darling?

Are you okay, darling?

Ran, my sweet! You were worried about little ol' me?

Yes.

In your friggin' dreams! This is all for my revenge on Lum!

Lum really spoils that kid, doesn't she?

I totally agree.

I hate to say it, but I think Lum cherishes him even more than she does you.

You're right. I picked up on it, too.

Oh, how awful! My poor, little darling!

Lum is just so heartless.

Ran, my dear.

I'm touched that you would shed tears for me.

I'll always be on your side, darling.

Ran...

Darling...

BAFOOOOOM!

I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU! STUPID TWERP!

GET BACK HERE!

REJECTED!

What is going on?

Pwease hewp meeeee!

I'll get you! Pwease hewp meeeee!

Pwease hewp meeeee!

Darling! You know he's only a child!

There's no escape!

Darling! You're acting like a toddler!

Stay out of it! I'm gonna teach him a lesson!

Enough!

You need to cool off!

Wow, Sakura... you're so amazing!

Jeez, Ataru.

Getting into a serious fight with a kid is a new low for you.

Ten's jealousy is hotter than grilled mochi, you know.

Achoo!

Ugh. What's that supposed to mean?

Well, he thinks that you stole me away from him!

Isn't that cute?

"Cute" is not the word I'd use.

C'mon, Ran! I thought you were on my side here!

Simpleton.

Seems like the fire has started to go out.

Wow!

What a good boy you are.

And that's not the only thing on fire, because my heart is ablaze with love!

SCRIBBLE

SCRIBBLE

Ugh. I can't stand the sight of that rugrat.

And who said he could use my desk?

I'll never be able to study like this!

Darling! Ten is still just a child.

Can't you play nice and cut him a little more slack?

SCRIBBLE

SCRIBBLE

I can't stand the sight of that rugrat.

And who said he could use my desk?

Hey, little guy, what are you doing over there?

It's finished!

Guess what? I was writing a letter!

A letter, huh?

Hey, Lum? Will you translate this into Earthling for me?

Sure thing!

Who are you even sending it to?

Let's see...

"I'll be waiting at 1 PM tomorrow,"

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

"come to the Black Peanut café, so we can settle things between us."

Challenging someone to a fight?

"Don't expect me to give up easily. There will be trouble if you don't show up."

Or is this a blackmail letter?

"I'd risk everything... for a future with you!"

"To my sweet Sakura, who I love dearly."

WHAM!

It's a freakin' love letter!

And to Sakura of all people?

Okay, great! You've got a way with words, Ten!

I worked extra hard on it.

Hold up. Are you trying to ask her out on a date with that letter?

Yeah, that's right.

Then prepare for disappointment. She'll reject you instantly.

Heh.

Do you want some advice or what?

Y-you're just gonna sabotage me!

There's a very standard approach when it comes to dating.

Do you know what it is?

I happen to be known around town as the "King of Dates".

And I'm willing to ghostwrite your love letter.

Th-thank you, master!

Demon Exterminators

I'm home!

Welcome back, Sakura.

A letter arrived for you in the mail.

Interesting.

I don't see the sender's name anywhere.

"To my sweet Sakura, who I love dearly."

Oh jeez, it's another love letter.

"I want everything you have to offer."

Talk about cliché.

"I wanna get a good taste of those cherry-red lips of yours...

and lock our tongues together"?!

Huh?

"Then I wanna lay my hands on your pink *******,

so I can ***** them before ******* those **** like a baby."

What's the matter, Sakura?

THIS IS OBSCENE!

I won't stand for this stupidity!

Hold on, Sakura! Are you going out again?

I HAVE TO GO PUNCH A JACKASS!

Try to be as gentle as possible, dear!

A Date for Just the Two of Us

I just know it's one of those boneheaded boys from school trying to prank me.

THE SUPERCHARGED

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But what was going through his head picking this place to meet up?!

I swear, when I get my hands on him...

Holy crap! She came!

It's true! There she is!

She really showed up!

I guess this means that love letter you wrote must have really done the job!

I gotta say, I'm actually impressed with you!

Amazing, aren't I?

This is bizarre. Normally, that stuff makes girls run away.

Wait, could it be...?

Maybe she's a total nymphomaniac!

I'll beat the snot out of them! They'll never walk again!

Um...

FIDGET

Um, aren't you...?

Did you read the letter I sent you?

Wait, did you say letter?

You don't mean the one that said,

"I wanna get a good taste of those cherry-red lips of yours"?

FIDGET

And "I wanna lay my hands on your pink *******,

so I can ***** them before ******* those **** like a baby."

THAT letter...?

Uh-huh.

Those were your words? You wrote it?!

Don't sweat the small stuff!

C'mon, let's go! I'm your guide for today!

Uh, well, okay...

What now?

I can't possibly inflict harm on a child like this.

Wahoo!

Darling, what's got you so upset?

Whatever. It's only a matter of time before that little booger gets dumped.

Because the date course that I planned for them

is packed to the brim with wild adult fantasies.

I have no idea what you're rambling on about.

Our first stop is a café to drink some tea!

Then we'll see movie!

Sure. Sounds good.

What a happy day! I'm on my first date!

It's cute to see you all excited.

Hooray!

No matter how precocious they seem, kids are still kids in the end.

Everything's gone smoothly so far.

Hey! We made it!

This is the café that we're going to!

Okay, that's great.

SWINGERS CLUB

The Lusty Lunchroom

I can't believe how daring you are, Tsuyuo!

Right back at you, Menko!

But...

Hm? What's the matter?

Seeing that side of you was... super sexy.

Oh, Menko...

Shucks, you're such a big tease!

I could say the same, Tsuyuo!

Wowee! I really mean it! You play my heart like a drum!

I really mean it! You play my heart like a drum!

C'mon! Let's hurry and go inside!

Hold on a second. C'mon! Let's hurry and go inside!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I ONLY WANNA GO TO THE SWINGERS CLUB!

Quiet! Stop shouting your head off!

Come now, you don't have to cry.

I worked so hard to plan the perfect date for today,

but it didn't make you happy at all!

I'm not sure what to say...

Why can't you just sympathize with the heart of an innocent young boy?

What a load. "Innocent" my ass!

All right.

From now on, I'll do whatever you want to do.

DON'T!

Do you mean it?

Uh... yeah.

This is so yummy!

Mm.

Why that cocky little...!

This way! Over here!

We're going to the theater to watch this movie!

A total honeymoon SNAFU

MY WIFE'S HOT TRIP

Th-this is what you want to see...?

Yep!

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Uh...

That's not fair, you said you were gonna do whatever I wanted!

Enough! Stop crying! I'll do it! That's not fair, you said you were gonna do whatever I wanted!

Really?

Jeez, the things I put up with...

That brat is too damn persistent!

Are you sure, Madam? There's no going back after this.

Yes, Mr. Saito. I'm sure.

Give it to me. This is what I want!

All right. Then, here we go...

Oh god! I feel it!

Ahhh! So quick! No one's ever gone this fast before!

We're not done yet! This is just the beginning!

Saito

Ahhh! Incredible! So intense! It's driving me crazy!

Welp, we made it to your destination!

Goodbye now.

Take a look, Madam. It's much larger than usual tonight.

Oh, Mr. Nakano! Something this big definitely won't fit in me.

It's all right. We'll just take it nice and slow.

What's the point of putting that inside her? It's all right. We'll just take it nice and slow.

Just shut up and watch! Here we go!

Mmph! It's inside! It actually fit!

Nakano

Oh, Madam! You're amazing! Just incredible!

This is so stupid. Do it again, Mr. Nakano!

I can't believe a movie this boring actually exists. Do it again, Mr. Nakano!

I can't believe a movie this boring actually exists. I need more! I haven't had enough!

I need more! I haven't had enough!

Don't worry, Madam. We're far from done.

Here!

Wait, Mr. Nakano. You can't!

Hey, darling! That's definitely too much.

Shush! That's definitely too much.

What is that thing? Feast your eyes, Madam.

Don't talk to me! I'm trying to watch! I guarantee you've never seen anything as hot and slick as this.

Come on! Just look at it! What is it?! Oh please, no! I won't be able to resist the urge!

I've never seen anything like it before! Oh please, no! I won't be able to resist the urge!

I've never seen anything like it before! Give in to desire, Madam!

What on earth is it?! Don't hold yourself back. Come on! Do it!

ARGH! JUST SHUT UP! Ahhh! It's so hot! I'm burning up!

ARE YOU STILL WET BEHIND THE EARS OR WHAT?! Ahhh! It's so hot! I'm burning up!

What exactly are you two doing here? Oh my! Mr. Mizuguchi!

How did you get inside?! The way it moves is just incredible!

Gosh, funny running into you here! That's right, Madam.

I suspected something wasn't right, given everything that's happened. And we haven't even gotten to the impressive part yet.

I suspected something wasn't right, given everything that's happened. Watch this!

And sure enough, you and your gutter mind were behind it all! Goodness me! It's so strong and hard!

And sure enough, you and your gutter mind were behind it all! I don't know how much I can take!

Darling! Omigosh, look at that! Ah, Mr. Mizuguchi!

This is overwhelming! It's all over the place!

Get ready for something even more amazing!

A seal!

Water Show

Oh my!

A sea lion!

Ahh!

A walrus!

Mizuguchi

This has never happened before...

I'm sopping wet.

Christ, I can't let my guard down for a minute!

But it was just about to get really interesting...

Except you're not old enough for that yet!

What a nice nap...

Next up is the hotel!

FLOPPO

Curse you. What did you fill that child's head with?!

You've got it wrong! I didn't tell him anything!

Dinner is next on the schedule followed by some flirting in the park, madam.

Huh?

You screwed it all up, birdbrain!

I told you the hotel is supposed to come last!

Oh, right!

KAWHAM!

I KNEW YOU WERE FEEDING HIM IDEAS!

Aw poo, it's already gotten dark.

This has been a lot of fun.

But now the day is over.

Hold on there, Sakura! The fun is actually just about to begin!

The sun has gone down.

That means it's time for good boys and girls to go home.

But we still haven't been to the hotel yet!

Huh?!

Listen, kiddo.

Do you have any idea what you're implying by saying that?

Please marry me!

There are too many hurdles in my life.

Sorry, but I can't.

Whoa! She has a ring!

What?!

N-not Nurse Sakura!

Sakura! You're getting married?!

M-m-m-m-m-m-m-

MARRIED

MARRIED?!

How could you, Sakura! When you already have a guy like me?!

Keep dreaming.

Well... I'm guessing this means that I've been rejected.

That's okay. At the very least, I know when to call it quits.

I'm glad you understand.

You're taking this pretty well!

But... I also know...

THAT IT'S ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT, YOU JEEEEEEEERK!

BAFOOOM

Ow! Hot, hot, hot!

That's what you get for ruining everything!

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerk! Oh, come on!

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerk! Now you're just being a sore loser!

Now you're just being a sore loser!

The Great Off-Campus Snack Battle

A Gift from Ten!!

On the next episode of Urusei Yatsura.

This must be destiny! It was all destined to happen!