Original subtitles

GIRL #1: ( giggles ) You're such a hunk.

GIRL #2: Yeah, you're so buffed, it's scary.

What are you doing tonight, Jerry?

GIRL #1: We feel weak just being near you.

GIRL #2: Oh, Jerry.

We'll wait for you in the hot tub.

( smooth jazz playing )

Hey, don't block my sun, babe.

Talk to me.

Take off your headphone.

Hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You want me, babe?

Mm-hmm.

Fight for me.

Oh, I love it. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, don't stop. Oh, yeah, I love it.

Oh.

Ugh! Yuck.

Holy...

This is the girl of my dreams, and the job of my dreams!

Camp Chipmunk, here I come!

( pop music plays )

( tires screeching )

( children yelling and screaming )

My bag!

( cheering and applause )

( mocking laughter )

9.2 average,

very impressive, very Olympic.

Thanks, dude.

Thanks a lot.

Name is Cody. Sorry about the bag.

Hey, it's okay.

I needed my pants pressed anyway, right?

Well, all right.

Oh! Oh.

( yelling )

( in Scottish accent ) Corporal, I ain't got the power.

She's breaking up, man.

Jim, she's dead, Jim.

Submitted for your approval.

A wayward bus, stranded, abandoned,

the next stop, the tow away, son.

- Move it. - We ain't got all day.

- Come on. - ( yelling )

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. okay, okay, hold on.

Hey, I'm gonna distract them.

- Good. - Hey, kids, kids, kids.

Kids, I'm Jerry Riviera.

I'm your new summer buddy.

I'm gonna show all you guys the professional,

no-nonsense way to party down.

Let me hear you sing, Kumbaya!

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

Come on sing, sing!

Rough crowd.

Hey, don't worry, I can handle you guys.

I've worked Vegas.

And I'm a new counselor this year.

It's true, and, um,

why doesn't everyone make me feel real welcome

with a big Camp Chipmunk cheer, come on.

( engine starts )

( kids cheering )

Well, does that outfit come with a piece?

Huh?

A rod, you know, a .38 Special?

What's it to you, punk?

Okay. All right, all right.

So we got a kid with some personality here.

Go ahead, make my bus ride, punk.

Armed and dangerous.

Jerry Riviera.

D.A.

D.A., cool, very cool.

So did your parents decide and send you to this camp?

Nah. I wanted to come.

Well, it's my first time.

Hey, well, you know, we'll have to hang out.

All right.

All right, cool.

It's tasty unit.

Yeah.

That's number one of camp.

How to pick up girls. Watch.

So what's a gorgeous girl like you

doing in a camp like this?

- Hi, my name is Dyanne. - Hi.

I'm from Eureka, California

and it's a real big pleasure to meet you.

So what fraternity are you in?

Huh?

Well, what's your major?

I mean, I'm studying anthro.

- Anthro? - Anthropology.

You know the study of man after he become erect and all.

So are those real?

Oh, God, yes.

Why? You thought I had them done?

Um, I meant these.

Yeah, they are real too.

Well, you can tell by putting them

in between your teeth.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Oh, shit. Tad's gonna kill me.

Well, who's Tad?

Tad?

He's my boyfriend.

He got these for me after I got real sick once.

You had mono?

No, I lost my virginity.

Oh, you guys still real close?

Yes.

Oh, real close.

Hi.

( laughing )

Don Juan of the '80s.

Oh, it's nothing.

You and me, man, we're gonna get crazy.

Party hard, take no prisoners.

- Kumbaya. - All right.

Uh, Jerry Riviera to the courtesy desk, please.

Jerry Riviera.

Front desk, babe.

Yo, Cody, what's up?

Jer, this is your first time as camp counselor, right?

- Yeah. - Well, I got one,

one little point for you, all right?

( indistinct ) ...take this.

JERRY: I'm not into drugs.

CODY: It's all right, man.

JERRY: Thanks.

Cody, how did you get this job?

Oh, that's simple. My old man owns the camp.

CODY: Ramming speed.

( growls )

( tires screech )

Argh!

All right!

All you new campers, counselors,

out of the bus!

Let's go double time, hustle it up.

Yo, Rambo, chill out, you old bird head, you.

Let's go, move it out here. Get them out here.

Oh, the man can drive somebody to drink.

I think I will.

I said out!

Come on!

Party Camp.

Let the good times roll.

( whistle blowing )

Camp Chipmunk, we're the best.

Still isn't good enough.

Oh, you're gonna have one a hell of a good time

here with us this summer.

If you can survive.

Yeah, survive this bullshit.

( laughter )

Shh.

Thank you, Tad.

We are gonna teach you athletic competition,

teamwork, discipline,

the key ingredients

to success later in life.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Can I help you?

Oh, not unless you want to light it for me.

Maybe you'd like to tell the class

where the hell you think you're going.

Okay. Um...

Class, I was gonna go grab a smoke.

Maybe pound some brews at the pub. Anyone want to go?

Huh?

Sit down!

What kind of a camp do you think

we're running here, mister?

No smoking, drinking, gambling.

Then how do you party?

No party.

We are here to train sound minds and bodies,

to make strong American men and women.

So they can go out there, serve their country,

pay taxes and die.

The word party is not in our vocabulary.

How about the words moist towelette?

Have a cat?

No thanks. Already had one.

Tad, get these recruits outfitted, then move them out

to the amphitheater for howdy day.

( laughing and chattering )

Thank you, Ramone, thank you.

Quiet down, everybody.

Quiet down, everybody.

Next Jerry Riviera.

A student of astrobiology,

Jerry graduated from Princeton

where he was a close

and intimate friend of Brooke Shields.

JERRY: Yeah, Brooke was my woman, in my dreams.

God, this lady really ate up that résumé BS.

And a Rhodes scholar.

( cheering and applause )

Tad Whitneyworth!

Tad is a longtime counselor in this neck of the woods.

TAD: Yeah, I'm looking pretty steadily up here.

Chicks are digging me, yeah.

...52 pick up, sacks...

TAD: Hey, what are those girls looking at?

Are they laughing at me?

Oh, I bet you my fly is down.

I can't look.

I'm sure I zipped it.

Maybe I didn't shake Pedro.

Maybe I've got B.O. stains, maybe--

Maybe one day Tad might run Camp Chipmunk.

Heather Morris!

JERRY:: Oh, my God.

My dream girl lives.

We're particularly proud of Heather, our camp lifeguard,

winner of three Junior AAU National Swimming Championships.

HEATHER: He's kind of cute.

( scoffs ) Nice shorts.

Hmm, I wonder what he's like.

I'd like to meet just one nice, normal guy

this summer. A little romance.

He's probably a jerk just like the rest of them.

He is a jerk.

And she is a certified advanced aerobics instructor

for all you girls.

( applause stops )

Dyanne Stein.

Even though Dyanne comes to us with not

a long and impressive resume like some of the girls,

Tad assures us that she's got some swell qualities

that many have known to come and love.

She's perky, she's innocently wide-eyed,

she's coy at times, and then, surprise! She's crafty.

Ah, there isn't too much left to say about Dyanne.

Oh, here's something.

She's never had any incurable diseases.

And no scars or rug burns.

Let's give a big hello to our new nurse, Brenda.

Campers, you will come to me with any boils,

bruises or strange sores

you incur here at camp.

MRS. BEADLE: Thank you, Nurse Brenda.

We've got plenty of exciting events scheduled for you,

Olympic field day, the dance under the stars,

and the big Chipmunk Challenge relay!

Campers, have a fabulous summer experience,

and always remember, it's not important

how you play the game, but ultimately who wins.

Have a good week.

Okay, I'll take the campers assigned to the Falcons cabin.

That leaves Jerry Riviera.

That leaves you with the kids in the Squirrels cabin.

Where are my Squirrels?

Good luck.

Thanks, Tod.

It's Tad.

Hey, it's Jerry's kids.

Yeah, that's a good name for us.

Hey, come on, Ned-man,

we're gonna have a good time here.

Those Squirrels are a bunch of weasels.

We're gonna destroy them.

Hey, come on, guys, we got to pull together.

We have to be a team, like, uh, the four horsemen...

Mousketeers, like the Three Stooges.

( imitating Three Stooges ) Certainly.

Yeah, that's it.

TAD: I can't wait for the camp meeting.

We're gonna waste those dorks.

Wow, foosball.

This is rad, Tad.

All right, guys, bunk up.

All right, Squirrels,

here we are.

This is great.

Umunh! Uh!

They better get that fixed.

Far out.

File in.

Okay, my little, Squirrels, here we are.

Home away from...

home.

- Grab a place. - We were robbed!

Glad you're here. Cool.

This place is a dump.

Oh.

Well, these are my Squirrels.

Good morning, campers. Today's activities include

aerobics, rifle range, horseback riding,

rugby, and the trampoline competition.

- ( yelling ) - Also for your safety,

no running on camp grounds.

Welcome to the one hour, high intensity class

for those girls that--

One hour?

BOTH: High intensity?

Yeah.

And sweat in this outfit?

This sucks. $100. I'm out of here.

- We're gone. - Let's bail.

Come on, let's go. One hour.

( sighs )

( dance music plays )

To the right.

♪ Don't wanna grow up ♪

♪ Havin' too much fun ♪

♪ I'm doing what I want to ♪

♪ Answer to no one ♪

♪ Left all my teachers ♪

♪ Back where they belong ♪

♪ No homework to do ♪

♪ I'm out of school ♪

Fore!

♪ Time to make my move ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Where getting loose is cool ♪

Come on, boy.

♪ I'm going to party down ♪

♪ I'm breaking all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

That's a very nice shot.

( machine gun shots )

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Getting loose is cool ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Breakin' all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

♪ Now that you can ♪

♪ And party down ♪

♪ At home they bug me ♪

Come on, guys.

What are you? A bunch of babies?

♪ They just don't understand ♪

♪ I've left for the first time ♪

- ♪ I'm here where I belong ♪ - ( whistle blowing )

Okay, the rifle range is closed now.

We can all leave.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Quickly.

Yeah.

♪ Where gettin' loose is cool ♪

( explosion )

Whoa! Whoa!

Okay, you guys, come on.

Jerry is gonna show you how it's done.

Now watch this.

Here we go.

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

Whoa!

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Breakin' all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

Hey, come back.

♪ And party down ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Where getting loose is cool ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ We're breaking all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

♪ Now that you can ♪

♪ And party down ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Where gettin loose is cool ♪

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

ALL: Yeah, yeah!

Yeah. Yeah.

Whoo!

That's my boy.

Yeah, yeah, come on, you go.

Whoo! Come on, Chet! Come on, Chet!

( whistle blows )

( cheering and shouting )

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

Squirrels!

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Breakin' all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

♪ Now that you can ♪

FERRIS: Up, up, up.

( screaming )

Oh.

Get me down.

♪ I'm gonna party down ♪

♪ Breaking all the rules ♪

♪ Forget about your parents ♪

♪ Now that you can ♪

FERRIS: Medic!

D.A.: Come on, Ferris.

No, no, no, please.

I'm a bleeder. I'm a fainter.

Come on, I'll puke, I'll puke.

Take off your pants.

But we just met.

Now.

Come on, let's enjoy this.

Ow! Ow, that kills, that kills!

It does?

How about this?

Ow!

( Dyanne giggling )

DYANNE: Oh...

Oh, my God.

It's huge.

Oh, God it's so big and hard.

You want me to make it bigger?

Oh, yes.

I mean, do you want help?

No.

I can get it up.

Are you sure you can get it up all the way?

Yeah.

Good. Good.

Good.

Wow, it's so enormous.

You must work out for hours.

I pump my fair share of iron.

TAD: Riviera, he'll get his.

( rock music plays on a radio )

You know, they got tons of stuff to do here.

Hey, what's this Chipmunk Challenge?

Big relay at the end of the week.

Skateboards, Suzuki four-wheelers,

mountain bikes.

Mountain bikes? Cool.

Hey, I got a Haro Group 1 BMX, it's raw.

How'd you pay for it?

Paper route?

Bingo.

How did you pay for camp?

Food stamps?

Hey, listen, dick-breath,

I don't have a rich mommy and daddy to pay for me.

I earn my way.

Yeah, charity.

All right, sucker, let's go.

Well, come on.

Beer on.

A little beer for my happy campers,

what do you say? And beer nuts to go. Whoa.

Ferris, Ned, there you go. Winslow, there you go.

D.A., man, have you seen the ladies at this place?

You guys are gonna have a great time.

WINSLOW: Uh, not so great.

Yeah.

Not so great?

I used to go to Camp Weaselwood.

I had the time of my life with the ladies.

I mean, the place looked like a feminist rally,

but here, damn.

NED: I still say this camp sucks.

Oh, yeah?

I was saving this, but I think the time is right.

Okay, how many cabins at this camp

do you know that come with their own,

very own customized Mr. Jacuzzi?

Let's party, come on!

- NED: All right. - All right, yeah.

Hit it.

Come on, guys, let's talk. Come on.

Oh, yes.

Cheers.

Miller, breakfast of champions.

Hey, Winslow, come on in the tub with us.

Come on, Wins.

No.

I got to finish this.

Oh, come on, Wins.

Well, at least have a beer.

Oh...

Should I?

W-w-what might happen?

Wait, you mean, like hallucinations and stuff?

- Yeah. - Well,

your brain might explode.

You might see sparks.

Smoke everywhere.

Come on, Wins, have your first beer with us.

Come on, Wins.

( screaming )

On second thought, Winslow,

this stuff will kill you.

MRS. BEADLE : Come into my web, Sarge-y Warge-y.

SARGE: Oh, I'm getting a buzz on already.

Oh.

Oh, God, these really are amazing.

I was really blessed at birth.

Breakout the airline bags.

Oh, Tad just worships these.

And he calls these--

He calls these his baby rocket.

Yeah, he does.

Bombs away.

Let's hit the pool.

Her ego's exploding, kids.

Oh.

Oh, God.

I must have the best body

in the entire camp.

We don't have those in military school.

Winslow, you're a genius.

Super spy.

( crying ) Oh!

Jeez, what a major bod.

Wins, frame the blonde better.

Oh, I'd love to, man.

Ow, let go of my ear. Ow!

If I catch you in that girls' lavatory one more time,

you're out of here.

Oh, my God.

Damn, looks like we found the party.

No lie.

Hey, who's that?

JERRY: Woman of my dreams.

Yeah? You're gonna talk to her?

Um...

I figure I'll give her a chance

to check me out first, you know.

Hey, take note, guys,

hacky sack, sport of scholars.

Huh, what do you think?

That's a beach rat's game.

Hey, no way, Ned man. Next to having a puppy,

this is the best way to have women crawling all over you.

Come on, let's try it.

Come on.

See? Chicks see you playing this,

they think you got some class.

Good breeding, you know, athletic prowess.

Oh, Ferris. Oh, great.

Well, someone go get it.

Go on, man, just go over there and use your old Don Juan rap.

That kills.

Hey, you guys got to see this number.

Not now, come on.

Come on.

Come on, show them.

Rage, dude.

Okay, okay, okay.

But you guys have to promise not to let go of any of my secrets.

You'll screw up the big lecture I got planned, okay?

- Hey, we promise. - Okay.

My lips are sealed.

Ned, I only wish.

And no notes or pictures.

So do you make it a point

to be the most gorgeous Camp Chipmunk cow?

Cow? Did you call me a cow?

Um, counselor. Camp Chipmunk counselor.

No, why?

Um...

Heather.

And that's Jessica, Devi, Lisa and Kelly.

Hi. Hi.

Jerry and, um, those are my Squirrels.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I think he's developed

some sort of primitive communication, I guess.

I'm impressed.

Well, nice meetin' ya.

So, uh, Jer, man, what went down?

She touched my hand.

Yeah, well, that's something to treasure forever.

- Yeah. - Good job, Jer.

Ow! Let go of my ear!

Stay out of that boys' bathroom.

Oh, you--God, you guys,

you guys are gonna just love sorority life.

So what do you do?

Well, we do all sorts of super things.

We drink beer, we eat pizza, we drive Rabbits,

and we go on blind dates and get our panties raided.

Sounds cool.

Heather, what sorority are you in?

- I'm not. - How come?

I'm too busy with classes, swim practice and homework.

Right. Too busy for guys?

No. I just haven't found the right one yet.

Uh, I know who wants to fill the void.

Jerry of Jerry and the Squirrels fame.

Well, what do you think?

- He's cute. - He's goofy.

Arf, arf, arf!

Maybe a little goofy, but cute.

Oh, my God.

You guys have got to hear this.

Okay, listen.

"Dear Cosmo, am I normal?

"I struggle to have a teeny little orgasm a week,

but I hear of this lady and she has 60 an hour."

- Wow! - Jesus!

Oh, my God, that's one a minute.

- You're quick. - She's quick.

JERRY: Well, put it this way.

They had the security guards

escort me out the front gate.

- That's classic. - Yeah.

So how did you wind up here?

I applied to a couple camps,

then I saw Heather in the Camp Chipmunk brochure.

- She's fine. - You're telling me?

I put up her picture in my bathroom.

You know, that's kind of kinky.

Yeah, but it's a good kind of kinky.

I don't know.

I'll probably finish up the season here,

or maybe I'll apply for a job on a cruise ship somewhere.

You know, start at the bottom and climb my way to the top,

and eventually become cruise director or something.

You know, ♪ The love boat ♪

Cruise director. I like that.

You know, the cruise directors get paid to party.

So, how about you?

I don't know.

Just school I guess.

I live alone with my mom.

Oh, yeah? What about your dad?

I don't know.

Probably on some cruise ship somewhere.

Yeah. So why this camp?

Well, I go to the school that's on this borderline.

Oh, the old story about the kid

from the other side of the tracks?

Yeah, right.

You got the kids from my neighborhood.

You know, middle class, not a lot of money.

Then you got the kids from up in the hills.

Their parents are loaded.

I mean, all of them either drive convertibles or BMWs.

I just don't like it when people think

they're better than me, you know?

So you wound up here,

with us, in the baggage class.

Now they're a good bunch of guys.

Yeah.

I still don't think we stand a chance in competition.

Look, I think this winning thing is overrated anyway.

Yeah, well, come on, we better get ready.

We got a big day tomorrow.

You're right. Pour me another beer.

- You got it. - All right.

MRS. BEADLE: Good morning, campers.

NED: Oh, excuse me. This is Captain Scramble.

MRS. BEADLE: What-- my P.A.

NED: Rock and roll is here to stay.

( rock music playing on speaker )

That's not the kind of stuff I want

a young man doing in the pool.

Ow, can't you pull my other ear this time?

Oh, I'll pull them off. Come on.

By the way,

ever since this camp began,

there's been an intense rivalry

between the Squirrels and the Falcons.

Why do I sound like I'm doing a bad version of Our Town?

Actually, that's not true.

It was just this year, and it wasn't rivalry,

it was war.

Let's hear it again.

We are the Falcons, couldn't be prouder.

If you can't hear us, we'll shout a little louder.

Yeah!

All right guys, let's give it to them.

Let's drown out those clowns.

Ready, and, we are the Squirrels,

couldn't be pr--

Oh, come on.

Come on, we got to psyche up here, ready?

Wow.

SARGE: Tad and his Falcons are looking

pretty strong this session. Fifty bucks and a year's supply

of fly paper says they win the challenge race.

MRS. BEADLE: I'll take that bet.

Say, is that your fly I see open?

Do you think it was really fair

putting all the rejects in one cabin and all?

Fair?

What is fair?

I mean, Riviera is a cretin, okay?

The guy deserves the camp wimps,

the wussies and the weenies.

We need someone to pick on.

Right?

That's it.

So what do you think?

That maybe we could run away and join the circus.

Yeah. We could all kill ourselves.

Hey, let's think of something a little less dramatic, okay?

Winslow?

Ferris?

Hey, what happened to annihilation?

The old straight from scorched earth attitude, huh?

Wimps.

Weenies, wussies.

Is he talking about us?

Hey, Ned, you a wimp?

- No. - All right.

D.A., you ever let anyone get away

with calling you a weenie?

No way. I'd waste him.

All right. Ferris?

I'm ain't no wussie.

Aren't a wussie.

I know one of those either.

Okay, okay.

Look, so that's it, huh?

I came here to have fun,

not to get humiliated and hassled.

Look, I just-- I just came here

to meet some new buddies, catch some rays.

Score some babes, huh?

So that's it, from now on, let's get them first.

It's no holds barred. Anything goes.

We are here to party down, huh?

What do you say?

Huh?

Kumbaya.

Winslow, get ready, they're coming.

Now!

( explosion )

- Yeah. - Yes, yes, yes.

A prank this sick and depraved,

could only out of the mind, of the twisted mind,

of Jerry and those damn Squirrels.

It's got to be.

This calls for a serious retaliatory strike.

- Nuke them? - Worse.

Lax them.

I'll have Dyanne bake some brownies.

Some sugar, some flour, and some laxative.

That will put those little weasels--

- Squirrels. - Right, those.

Put them on a commission for a whole week.

Tad?

Nurse Brenda, I'm not feeling too good.

What happened?

It was the chow, the chow at the cafeteria,

- I'm feeling pretty irregular. - So what else is new?

Oh, my whole cabin is just wiped out,

and I was wondering if I could, uh, you know,

if I could pick up you know, some laxative.

How much do you need?

Oh, 40 boxes.

Forty boxes?

Now that sounds serious.

Tell you what, I've got just the thing for you.

Oh. Oh, no, if you can just

give me the 40 boxes, that will be--

Trust me. This will do the trick.

What! ( farts )

- Hey, Tip. - Tad.

Tad. Tip. What's the difference?

Hey, you want to shoot some hoop?

Basketball is too inner-city for me.

Okay, so we'll play on polo ponies.

Looks like you're a little saddle sore already, huh?

Okay.

Three seconds left, he sets, two seconds, he's set,

passes to the big blonde.

Scores, Lakers win.

Good pass.

You want to go a little one on one?

You up for it?

Hey, you got some pretty good moves.

Yeah, I'll be easy on you.

I like it rough.

Oh, good.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, I slipped.

Hey, why don't we make this a little more interesting?

Okay. It's been too easy.

How about a little bet?

What?

I make a basket off you,

and you come to the dance with me Saturday night.

- Okay. - Really?

Hey, wait--

Hey, that wasn't fair.

Hey, it's your bet.

Then you were serious.

Sure. That's why I'm trying to win.

Here, you take it out.

Okay.

Come on.

Okay, all right.

I scored.

GIRL: She let him win.

Saturday night under the stars.

Yeah.

It's that old Riviera sky hook.

Whoo.

( glass breaking )

Ow! Oh, my ear.

Ow!

My ear, ow!

( thunder booming )

Great. There goes my golden bronze tan.

I'm gonna look like I vacationed in the maid's quarters.

- Rosarita's got a mega tan. - Rosarita's a memory.

- Kimmy had my dad fire her. - Your sister's an ultra bitch.

- That's the fourth maid. - Fifth.

That's the fifth maid this year? What happened?

Kimmy caught Rosarita putting nickels in her penny loafers.

Well, why couldn't they have just taken away

her sauna privileges for a month or something?

Kimmy said she had to learn a lesson.

- Shit. - Shit.

Perfect.

Oh, great.

( soft jazz plays )

( rain pattering ) Jerry. Jerry.

Huh?

Oh, here I am.

Oh, you're shaking.

I'm scared.

It's only thunder.

Can I get under the covers?

With you?

If you must.

Oh, you're freezing.

What are you doing?

Getting warm.

Heather, I--

Shh.

Don't say anything.

Jerry.

You're so sweet.

I am?

Yeah, I am.

I want us to be like this forever.

Forever?

Forever is a long time.

I got to get my cat spayed Tuesday and--

Forget it.

Just think about us.

( whispering ) Together.

Like this.

Jerry.

Heather.

Jerry.

Heather.

Jerry.

Heather.

Heather. Oh, oh, Heather.

Oh.

Hey, what the hell is going on?

You had a wet dream.

Oh, jeez.

MRS. BEADLE: Good morning, Chipmunkeys.

Today's fun activities include a puppet show,

some whacky skits, introductory yo-yo repair,

and a nature walk.

May I remind you,

all explosive devices are strictly prohibited.

Thank you.

- Morning, campers. - You're late.

- Let's get going. - Yeah, come on.

But shouldn't I wait for the other campers to show?

We were scheduled to leave over an hour ago, okay?

Yeah, we don't want to miss all the beautiful wonders

- awaiting us in nature. - Yes.

Winslow, come here.

( choking )

Hey.

This is like window shopping.

Gimme that.

I know what I'd like get.

Wow, look at the way she spikes.

Oh, are those real?

Does it matter?

She sets.

She slams.

She's gorgeous.

Bird watching?

Yeah, you call it that.

Hey, come on, let's go.

Hey, Dyanne, are you coming?

Yeah.

I hope we're not hiking any higher.

DYANNE: Why? What are you worried about?

Wild animals.

Rodents, bats, snakes.

What kind of snakes?

Rattlers mainly.

And pythons.

Now come on, it's not dangerous.

I promise.

Well, what about the animals?

I don't believe it.

What's that?

Unless I'm mistaken,

this is a wild herb known as Angelica Vulgaris.

So?

Well, the Greeks and Romans believed that

certain herbs had medicinal and mystical powers.

If I'm right, this plant is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.

How strong is it?

I've heard

that it makes Spanish fly

look like sea salt.

Help, help, save me, I'm drowning.

Help, help, save me,

I'm drowning!

Come on, breathe.

You faker!

- What? No. - Dirt ball.

I was taking a walk.

I fell, I fell in the pool.

In leopard skin Speedos?

Oh.

Well, look.

Okay, would you have been happier if I had drowned?

Come on, I was just joking.

Does this act really work with other girls?

What act?

The childish pranks.

The sexual double entendres.

Your Joe Cool attitude.

- Jerry cool. - That's your problem.

You've got the Peter Pan Syndrome.

You won't grow up.

Yeah, you're right.

I am Peter Pan.

And if being grown up is acting mature and serious,

like Tad and Dyanne,

well, then I don't want to grow up.

I'll stay young forever.

So I'm Peter Pan. You be my Wendy.

We'll float away to Never Never Land.

Second to the right,

and straight on till morning?

Yeah, that's it.

You know, Jerry, you really are a nice guy.

Really?

When you're not acting like such a jerk.

Hey, wait a second.

Hey, where are you going?

Sorry, Peter Pan, I got to fly.

- Wait, who made this? - I did.

Well, did you wash the leaves good and check for aphids?

- Yeah, I washed it. - Well, that's pretty good.

I mean, we don't-- there's nothing worse

than a salad that crawls on its own.

Oh, you guys are so silly.

- Yeah, silly. - Oh.

We're real silly.

Wow.

Mmm.

Mmm.

This is really good, Ferris.

Don't you guys want any salad?

- No, no, no. - No, no, no.

We ate before, it's all yours.

Okay.

I guess I'm gonna have to eat it all by myself.

Well, aren't you gonna deal me in?

Uh--uh, d-don't you think we should head back?

No, no, let's play cards, huh?

Oh, God, it's hot.

I'm so hot.

Do you feel hot?

BOTH: We're hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're hot.

Yeah, yeah, we're all very hot.

You know what I always wanted to play?

Strip.

Poker.

Any objections?

No. No.

No, no, no. Uh-uh.

Ace, three, five, nine, Jack.

What does that mean?

That means you get to cool off.

Oh, good.

Does a pair beat anything?

Sure does.

Nothing.

Oh, shoot.

Whoo!

( cheering )

- Let's go. - Yeah!

ALL: Whoo!

( twig snaps in the woods )

- Yeah, yes. - What was that?

Well, nothing, nothing.

Deal, Ned. Ned, deal.

- Deal, Ned. - I can't.

Royal flush? Man.

I don't mind. I'm really hot.

( twig snaps )

Did you hear something?

No! No!

No! No!

Are you sure?

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

ALL: Ahh!

- Oh, shit. - Shit.

- Shit. - Oh, shit.

- I'm gettin'-- - Let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here, guys. Just go, man!

Oh, my God.

Run!

( screaming )

Any of you guys see my puck?

MRS. BEADLE: Attention, campers, we're pleased to announce that

more volleyball classes have been added

due to a rash of recent sign-ups.

Also, all nature walks are temporarily suspended,

pending an investigation by the Drug Enforcement Agency.

GIRL: Oh, God.

Look at that tan and those thighs.

Size, supple.

D.A.: I feel guilty seeing these girls,

like I owe them dinner or a movie or something.

FERRIS: Winslow.

This is a major glitch.

Man, I had no way of foreseeing this.

D.A.: I think we played this tape too much.

Winslow, you can record anything, right?

Yeah, audio, video, yeah, anything.

Squirrels, huddle.

It's time we went on a bunk raid.

I give you till the count of twenty,

and then I'm gonna to kick your little can.

No, no, I'm not-- no, my harness is not--

No. Hold it, wait.

You ready in there, you little nut?

You horsefly, you little insect.

You little vermin, you little insect,

you little housefly, you little yellow jacket.

I'm gonna get you.

Fifteen seconds, you little pest.

No, wait a minute, I'm not ready for you, no.

Open up! It's a raid.

( fluttery violin music plays )

Oh, I hope my bee suit comes back from the cleaners soon.

Maybe I can stick to the ceiling with Velcro knee pads.

Five seconds.

You've got me ticked.

I kill bugs dead.

I know you're hiding in here.

( hissing )

Somebody has been messing with my plants.

It's close, I'm gonna crush you, you little fly.

You're a horsefly.

You're a blue bottle.

You little yellow jacket.

You're gonna get it now!

Oh, that smarts!

Bad Sarge, bad Sarge!

- Oh, no. - Bad fly!

You've been a bad Sarge.

SARGE: Bad, I mean good! Good!

Light! You limp, little vermin.

( rooster crowing )

( gun shot )

D.A.: Are you ready, Captain Scramble?

NED: Almost.

SARGE: Oh, no.

Don't wrap-- Ooh, ooh, oh.

MRS. BEADLE: Be a good fly, boy,

and I'll let you pollinate.

SARGE: Oh, oh, oh!

MRS. BEADLE : You're driving me buggy.

ALL: Yeah! All right! Oh, yeah!

MRS. BEADLE: Oh, my God.

You winged wonder.

( Sarge growling )

SARGE: I'm getting tired of this one.

MRS. BEADLE: Look at that stinger.

SARGE: Bee suit comes from the cleaners soon.

MRS. BEADLE: Sting me, sting me, sting me,

sting me, sting me.

Sting me!

( yelling ) Sting me!

SARGE: Help me.

Help me.

That's my Squirrels.

Oh, I'm just gonna have a little of this gas.

Oh, oh.

It's the Squirrels, sir. I'm sure of it.

How do you know?

Well, Squirrels are...

They are just squirrely, sir.

Well, handle it.

Now.

( muffled, unintelligible sounds )

You and that damn fly swatter.

( muffled speech )

Let's go, move it out.

Oh, my computer.

Oh, don't be such a cry baby.

Out of the way, wimp.

You will get it back.

All 80 million pieces of it.

Hey, what's going on here?

What the f... are you doing?

WINSLOW: They took everything.

- My Uzi? - WINSLOW: Everything.

Get him, Ferris.

Let's go.

You okay, Wins?

Ned, he don't look so good.

He'll be all right.

Yo, bros.

Hey, where are my happy Squirrels?

Tad, Dyanne and his Falcons just robbed our nest.

What?

My Mr. Jacuzzi is gone?

Hey. Hey, come on, guys,

we'll survive this, right?

Hey, think of it like the Great Depression.

Ten, fifteen years from now, we'll recover.

Everything will be hunky dory.

Hey, come on.

We still got each other, right?

- I want my computer. - I want my Uzi.

And I want my Mr. Jacuzzi, damn it.

Let's bring back them alive.

Yeah.

Squirrels, huddle.

Yeah.

Goddamn Tad's an asshole.

He took away all the stuff, leaving them with no toys.

Winslow defenseless.

What a son of a bitch, God damn it.

Let's get a drink.

Hey, you want to do some wind sprints?

Kind of.

All right, uh...

How far do you want to go?

All the way, hon.

All right. Let's do it. Let's do it here.

- Tad. - Come on, let's go.

But, Tad, I'm gonna get all dirty.

Come on, the trail is dry.

Half an hour max.

Oh, God, you're such a little kink meister.

Ready, go.

Try and catch me.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, try and catch you.

A dork would want me.

Anything would want me, but no, not Tad.

( screaming )

Tad?

Tad?

Tad, I'm not really having fun.

Tad.

( screaming )

Who are you guys?

Am I being taken hostage?

Are you guys Iranians?

Are you Libyans?

Hey!

Hey, somebody help me.

I can't get out of here.

Help! Give me a hand.

( horse neighing )

Okay, boy. Good horse, good horse.

Now, now go back to the camp and bring some help, okay?

You understand? You understand that?

Good boy. Good boy, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, not that.

- ( horse whinnies ) - Oh!

Oh! Hey, that's a bad horse.

Bad horse-y.

Whoa!

( Dyanne whimpering )

What in the hell?

( muffled yells )

( pig grunting )

DYANNE: Oh, God.

Holy crap.

Practically shit on.

Kidnapped.

DYANNE: Tad!

I just--

Dyanne! Dyanne!

Get me out of here!

Tad, get me out of here!

Tad. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Get up here!

Let me hit you again.

What are you doing?

What do you call this?

Your idea of a dream date, Mr. Kink Meister?

I mean, drag me into dirt, tie me up and bag me?

Wait, just a minute.

Look, I got bagged too.

You mean, the Squirrels didn't help you?

Oh, jeez, no.

PIG #1: It was the Squirrels, asshole.

The Squirrels, why?

PIG #2: Revenge.

Are you okay?

I mean, did it hurt? Did they hurt you?

Are you okay now?

Yeah, well, I kind of liked it.

Those little weasels.

- Squirrels. - Yeah, those.

I can't believe they did this just to get their stuff back.

Gentlemen, prepare the ransom balloon.

Oh, my God.

( mumbling )

Ab-d...

Ab-duc-ted. Ab-abduc-abducted.

Ab-duc... ab-duc-ted.

Abducted.

What's wrong?

Well, if we had some matches,

we could light this sprinkler system

and it will set off an alarm in the main office.

You know, we really paid a prize for being straight,

and perfect and all-American.

This teen angst is really getting me down.

Wait a minute. I think I got some matches,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

God, would this do?

Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

( cheering )

All we have is one little condition,

and we'll turn over the prisoners.

We really don't really have a policy

for dealing with terrorists.

Do we?

Who are you people anyway?

Silence.

We only ask that you meet our demands.

You ought to be ashamed.

Children look up to you.

Network television, Saturday morning cartoons,

Nancy Reagan, and now you've sunk to this.

- ( Mrs. Beadle sobs ) - Silence.

Meet our demands,

and your counselors will be returned safely.

You scum. Let me at him. Let me get him.

( banjo playing )

Well, look, what the Falcons dragged in.

Let's hear it for collective bargain.

But not in an extra large.

Yeah.

Well, what kind of insects do you have?

I mean, large or extra large?

Ooh, with a stinger?

Yeah. No, that--

I got to get back to you, yeah.

Where's my pen? Where's my sticker, you turkey.

Come here. Come here.

Ha-ha!

Where is it?

A map.

Ooh.

( pigs grunting )

Now the main thing here is not to panic.

( panicked yelling )

Tad?

MRS. BEADLE: What is it?

ALL: The Chipmunk Challenge!

What is it?

The Chipmunk Challenge!

All right. Your team starts on skateboards here.

Do be careful on Devil's Driveway.

We lost a camper over the side last year,

and we're still looking for him.

Then the skateboarders return to here.

They'll tag their teammates on Suzuki four wheelers

that go around a specially marked track

and by the way, by the way,

boys who brought their jock cups,

you're encouraged to wear them.

( boys grumbling )

Well, it's true.

Finally, the last leg of the race is on mountain bikes.

And we finish here, where we started, at the top!

Now remember, each team is a counselor and two campers.

Good luck to all,

and may the best team destroy the others!

ALL: Falcons, Falcons, Falcons, Falcons, Falcons.

Hey, who are we racing?

Shit, Falcons.

Now what this? It looks like it got erased or something.

I detect foul play.

Somebody switched it.

And I know who.

Well, here it is, the day of the big race.

And it looks like a mighty fine race,

if I do say so myself.

Well, the course is treacherous

and so are the racers.

Now I'd like to introduce you to the big guys themselves.

Right here from the Squirrels little area,

the man, Jerry Riviera.

Give him a big hand, would you please?

Come on, come on.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

My weapon, please.

Now, you sure you're gonna be all right?

Yeah.

I'm a major thrasher.

Okay.

Okay. And, of course, from the Falcons,

the mighty, mighty man himself, the big man, the Paul man.

Well, I'm donkey meat.

All right, let's get this race started.

On your marks.

Come on, Paul.

Get set!

( gun fires )

( surf rock music plays )

CODY: It's Riviera for the Squirrels in the lead.

Getting cocky, as he races

around the treacherous hairpin turns and--

Whoa, Nelly! He's just hit

one of those treacherous hairpins in the road.

And the Falcons' racer zooms ahead.

( rock music plays )

CODY: Goin' for the jump!

Holy moly.

The Squirrel is down.

The Squirrel's back up, racing for his bike.

This is unbelievable.

He's back on.

( triumphant rock song plays )

CODY: The Falcons are getting a real cocky now.

Tad is performing a victory wheelie.

Tad maybe a little premature,

'cause Dyanne has rumored.

Here comes somebody.

Who is it?

I can't tell.

It's Tad.

- Let's go, D.A.! - Come on, D.A.!

Come on.

Yes! Come on!

( screaming )

Yeah!

Come on, D.A.!

That's it.

And the Squirrels beat the Falcons.

( cheering )

JERRY: We did it.

We won. We won.

I thought all you wanted was a good time.

This is a good time.

Look at us.

Are we a great couple or what, huh?

Are we dancing together tonight?

- Yeah. - Yeah!

Thank you!

Hey, Tad.

We are the Squirrels,

couldn't be prouder!

If you can't hear us,

we'll shout a little louder!

We are the Squirrels, couldn't be prouder!

If you can't hear us, we'll shout a little louder!

MRS. BEADLE: Campers, please come to tonight's victory dance

wearing the appropriate attire.

In fact, we'll settle for the wearing of any attire.

Also, we're pleased to announce that

Nurse Brenda has donated the prize

for the best Chipmunk Challenge racer.

See you tonight.

So, Nurse Brenda,

you live here at Camp Chipmunk?

No.

I have a condo.

Oh, cool.

So what do you for fun?

Why?

Do you want to stick around and find out?

( funky dance music playing )

Look, there's Tod.

We're never gonna hear the end of this.

Hey, you're good.

Oh, yeah? It's about time you noticed.

Hey, a little more spotlight

for Fred and Ginger over here, come on.

Is this a party or what?

♪ Party ♪

♪ Party ♪

Where the hell is D.A.?

Great rack.

You built it yourself?

Shut up, slave.

Mistress Brenda will beat you into ecstasy,

sending you into savage realms

of pleasure and pain.

Okay.

Silence, worm.

Mistress Brenda commands you

to beg for mercy, slave!

Oh, that hurt.

Stop. Stop.

Beg for mercy, slave.

Ow!

Oh, oh, did I hurt you?

Are you okay?

- That really hurt. - Oh, God.

Let me get you out of here.

I can't believe I hurt you like that.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah. That's okay.

There is no one to dance with.

I didn't put on makeup and this outfit

to mess it all up.

Hey, who are those guys?

- They are cute. - Where have they been?

You guys want to dance?

Okay.

Look, I know I've been a jerk, and I've changed.

Look at us, we're great together.

We've got forever.

Forever? That's a longtime.

I've got to get my--

So you can really show me how to be a computer hacker.

Sure, we'll break into a mainframe together.

If you're really good,

I'll give you top security clearance.

You know, my father takes us back-packing

in Maui every August.

Can you go?

Let me check my date book.

And I've got a turbo Carrera,

and a Ferrari GTB, and a Jag in the garage.

We can go for a drive.

Great. After I get my permit.

( rock music plays )

I hate this kind of music.

I am leaving.

Where are you going?

I got to go home and debug my house.

Can I come with you?

So, what are you doing later?

How about something with you?

- Oh! Aah! - Oh!

♪ Rock and roll ♪

♪ Now some say I'm bad ♪

♪ I'll have to admit ♪

♪ But the cops can't take me far ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You can get to find a lover ♪

Enter!

♪ Rock 'n' roll ♪