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There's this theory.

Given an infinite universe
and infinite time,

all things will happen.

That means that every
event is inevitable

including those
that are impossible.

That's as good explanation
for all this as anything else.

Now, a lot of stories
start in bars,

so that's where we are
going to stars this one.

Not because that I
was there, I wasn't.

But because it is a
damn good introduction

to a very unique, fellow.

- Legends of every major
culture all contain

some sort of character whose
purpose is to grand wishes.

Except Americas.

The Arabs have jinni's.

The Irish have leprechauns.

The Chinese have
dragons and monkeys.

The Europeans have
fairies and wood sprits.

But who do we have?

- Santa Claus?

- Santa Claus just
brings presents.

He doesn't grand wishes.

- Satan. He grants wishes.

- Zack, Satan predate
American culture.

He doesn't grand
wishes, he makes deals.

- All right, I give up.

What do we have here?
- No one.

That's my thesis.

Our culture is unique in
having no such mythology and--

- Oh, you're wrong my friend.

- Excuse me?

- There is a fella in
America, who grants wishes.

And only one to a customer.

- And who is this fella?

- O.W. Grant.

That's his usual name.
He's got many others.

And he's an elusive
son of a bitch.

You'd get easier
time finding a jinni.

- So how come, we've never
heard of this O.W. Grant?

- You haven't heard O.W.
Grant, 'cause America

is a much younger place
than Ireland or Arabia.

Not too many people have had
the chance to meet up with him.

- Let me guess. You have.

- I met him out
at Interstate 60.

Accidentally, that's his way.

Folks don't find
him, he finds them.

He just kinda happens in to
them, and they don't know who

he is or what he does
until he does it.

And mostly he messes
with them, plays tricks,

'cause that's his way
too, but sometimes,

if he takes a shine to you,
he'll play it straight.

Now, one story says that
his daddy was a leprechaun,

came over here with Irish.

Now, midgets are
notorious skirt chasers.

This leprechaun goes and
knocks up a Cheyenne Indian.

Cheyenne get the land
taken away in the end up

with the immortal, nomadic
half-breed with magical powers.

- Interstate 60, you said?
- Hmmm?

- So, what does
this O.W. Grant look like?

- Red bow tie.

He smokes a pipe, carved
in the image of a monkey.

Maybe you'd be better
of writing your

thesis without mentioning O.W.

He'd probable rather not have
people knowing about him.

- You got it.
- Good night.

- Hey Quincy, check this out.

There is no Interstate 60.

I-65, 64, 66, and 69.

No I-60.

- I guess tonight's
everybody's full-of-shit night.

Guy with a red bow tie and a
monkey pipe, who grants wishes.

Right.

- No, damn it, look,

I need, that bid in before 12.

Yeah it's critical, just.

Right, call West.

Holy shit!

- You broke the jaw.

- I'm sorry mister,
I didn't see you.

Are, are you OK come on?

Are you all right?

- Jesus.

- Don't! Stop!

- Oh man!

My bike!

- Look, I'm sorry. I'll pay.

Oh goddammit!

Oh goddammit, look at my suit.

Oh shit...

Oh fuck.

I've got a sales
meeting at 11 o'clock.

This is a fucking disaster.

My phone is my
fucking life line.

Goddammit.

- Oh I say everything
happens for a reason.

May I guess, I just
needed a new bike.

- I, for one, did not
need this shit in my life.

Not today. Of all fucking days!

Goddammit, I wish, this
had never happened!

I wish, it hadn't happened,
I wish, it hadn't happened!

- Was that your wish?

If you had a wish, you
wished, this hadn't happened?

Fucking-A right!

- Granted!

Mr. Baker.

- How did you know my name?

Damn it, I need the
bid in before 12.

Yeah it's critical.

Look, just call
West have him fax

the time sheet to
the main office.

Get it there by, speak
up, I can't hear you.

I said I--

- Some people just don't
know what to wish for.

- As for my part in
this story, well,

it began on a Tuesday,
September 18th.

My birthday, my 22nd
birthday to be exact.

Oh, I'm Neal Oliver.

And this mess, is my apartment
in St. Louis. Missouri.

Where at this particular moment
I was at MajorDecision.com.

Should I wear a tie to lunch?

Damn.

Happy birthday Neal, oh sweetie.

Truth.

You are not mad, that I'm
bailing on you tonight?

- No, no no no.

I mean how cool
it you be for you,

to bomb your psyche-test
because of a stupid concert.

- No ah-ah, you have
got to wait until lunch.

That's your family rules.

But you can open this, I
intercepted your snail mail.

- It's the reality check.

I'm game over on
the art scholarship.

- Well you should
at least open it.

- I can tell a
rejection by weight.

- You are the wrong
sex, the wrong color

and your family has too
much money, I'm sorry.

- Just don't, don't mention
anything to my old man, please.

- You are so weird.
- What?

- Well, you actually supposed
to cut your grapefruit

in half and eat it with a spoon

not peel it, and eat
it like an orange.

Oh look. it's her.

Again.

Should I be like jealous?

- Well maybe if she was real.

So, I had another dream
about her, last night.

She was in jail, it's
gotta mean something.

- I'll tell you what it means,
you saw her once somewhere

and it made a
subconscious impression,

the impression came back to
you in a dream, so you drew her

which made the
impression stronger.

You dream, you draw,
you draw, you dream

Now it's a vicious cycle.

So quit drawing
her, and it'll end.

- Well, thank you Carl Jung.

Fact is, I enjoy drawing her.

But, am I. Am I any
good at this Sally?

Because today is the deadline
of the Conrad Competition.

Now should I even enter a piece?

- Don't ask me Neal.

I don't want to be judgmental.

But I do know, that just because
you enjoy doing something,

doesn't necessarily mean
that you should make it

your career.

Here, no worries.

- As I said it all
started on my 22nd birthday.

Specifically here.

At my traditional
birthday lunch.

As always, my father had
picked the restaurant.

Attending with the
usual suspects.

Sally, who my parents
actually liked maybe

even more than I did.

My dad Daniel. Attorney at law.

My mom Marlene. The
attorney's wife.

And my sister and
best friend Nancy.

Put on earth by
the grace of God,

to keep me from going insane.

- OK, OK so what
did you wish for?

Please tell me that it
was something about us.

- I'm guessing, he wished
he could go skydiving again.

- God forbid.

- Oh no, no. Neal you didn't.

- Why, if I tell her,
it won't come true.

- Actually that's
an old wife's tale.

The truth is, you should
always tell your wish.

Kinda karma thing, put
it out there, project it.

Then it just might come true.

- Never heard of that before.

- Oh, it's true. Believe me.

I know.

I'll cut this for you.

- OK, so now you
have to tell us.

- Yeah, come on, tell us Neilo.

- OK.

I wished for...

An answer.

- An answer, OK
an answer to what?

- An answer to my life.

- Here it is.

Happy birthday son.

Your admission to the
Bradford Law Fellowship.

Just do the interview next
month, on October 15th,

and you're in.

It's all arranged. By me.

And you can take
that to the bank.

- Dad, I told you,
I wasn't sure yet.

- Well, I can be sure
for the both of us.

- Last candle gone.

Take it with you.

That is, if you want
your wish granted.

- Thanks.

Oh, cool.

That's my color too, thank you.

Sable brushes.

Nance, you're the best Nance.

Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Best for last.

Happy birthday son.

Isn't it perfect?

Fire engine red.

You have no idea,

how hard it was to find a
red convertible in this town.

Fuel injected, 160
horses, car phone.

Yeah, I even got
you special plates.

Oh boy, I would have
killed for a car like this,

when I was your age.

Aw, you know I thought it was
high time for an image change,

and what better way to start.

Now, you see,

the engine is a 2.5 liter
dual overhead cam, inline six,

with electronic...

- As usual,
it was all about him.

His idea of cool.

Red was his color. Not mine.

It was his pet phrase
on the license plate.

Clearly he was excepting
me to become him.

Well, isn't it the best
present, you could ever get?

- It's awesome, come
on Neal, take me for a ride.

- Well, son?

Neal!
- Oh my God!

- Son!

Son somebody call 911.

Neal, Neal, are you all right?

Talk to me son.

Neal.

- Hey, St. Louis's
finest thin crust.

You're all right Nealo?

- Yeah, yeah, just,

it only hurts when I think.

They want to keep me overnight,

to log some tests in the morning

make sure, my perception
is like worked, yeah.

You're a goddess, Nance.

- I know.

So, what's your
perception of a dad

who buys you the gift,
he wants for himself?

- About the same as toxic waste.

- Your perception is fine.

That is one hell of
a way getting out of

answering Dad about the car.

- Yeah...

- Mom and Dad are
going to be here soon,

what are you gonna tell them?

- Lies.

Well the truth is just
gonna piss him off.

- Well maybe that's
a good thing.

- No, no.

Because then I'm gonna
get the whole riff,

about how I'm letting him down.

It's just easy if
I role with it.

And maybe someone will steal it.

- First a little visual warm up?

I'll hold up a card,
you name the suit.

I'm gonna go faster and faster.

So, see if you can keep up.

- OK.

Diamond.

Club.

Spade.

Heart.

Diamond.

Spade.

Diamond.

Heart.

Club.

Spade.

Heart.

Diamond.

Club. Heart.

Spade. Diamond.

Club. Spade.

Heart.

Club.

Spade. Heart.

Did I pass?

- No.

But few people do.

- Black hearts, red spades?

Come on, that's like cheating.

- Aah, experience has
conditioned you into

thinking that all
hearts are red,

and all spades are black.

Because their
shapes are similar.

It's easier for your
mind to interpret them,

based on that past experience,

than open to an idea that
they can be different.

We see what we expect to see.

Not necessarily,
what's really there.

Children who have never played
cards always pass this test.

Makes you wonder how many
other things are right in

front of you,
sight, sound, smell

that you can't experience,

because you've been
conditioned not to?

The good news is, if we'll do
the test again you will pass.

Once you are aware,

that there can be black
hearts and red spades,

you'll be able to perceive them.

Your brain is wired,

just like the Interstate
Highways System.

It's easier to go from one
well traveled place to another

but the places in between,
off the highway...

Even though they're there,

most people just
zip right pass them.

- Well, that's cool trick but
there aren't any card games

with red spades
and black hearts.

- Well, how do you know?

- Mr. Oliver, I'm Dr. Craig.

You ready to take some tests?

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, that was some warmup
practice you got there,

that guy Ray.

- Who?

- Ray, you know, that
guy who was just?

He just left.

You know, with the trick cards.

- No, there is no one
on staff, named Ray.

- No, he was just here.

The, you know the, wacky
guy, with the cards.

With the light-green lab coat.

- The staff wears
blue here, not green.

But we can test your
color perception.

Dropped the seven of harts.

- Come on in son.

So, how's that new car?

Awesome?
- Yeah dad, it's very awesome.

- What is
on your mind, son?

- Well, I'm not so sure about
this Bradford thing, Dad.

It just, it seems little
too easy, you know.

- I spent years
working very hard,

so it would be easy for you.

What, you wanna work
nights in that warehouse

for the rest of your life?

- Come on Dad,

that's just so I don't
have to ask you for cash.

- Son, let me give you some
Daniel Olivier philosophy.

And you can take it to the bank.

When ever someone offers
you an advantage, take it.

And this program
is an advantage.

It will get you to any
law school in the country.

- Hmm, what America
needs, another lawyer.

- Another good lawyer, we
can always use one of those.

- That's what costs 30 Gs?
- 32,200.

I outbid two major
collectors to get it.

- That's a lot of
money for a drop cloth.

- That shows you
how much you know.

That is Franklin
Samuel original.

He's a name artist, if
you ever sell anything,

the operative would
been if, maybe,

maybe, your opinion will count.

- Look Dad, I'm
just not sure, OK?

I thought about, maybe
taking some time off.

- Time off for what?

- Sort of take stock, you know,

try and figure some things out.

- Waste your time with your art?

It's a hobby son, would
you leave it at that?

Look, I got you into Bradford,
because Prat's on the board,

and he won't be next year.

So if you don't take
advantage of this now,

there won't be a next time.

Why not just go
through the program?

If you ultimately decide,
law school is not for you,

then, I'll, live with it.

But at least you'll
be Bradford fellow

and that's something you
can always take to the bank.

Then you can, you know,
figure things out.

- So you're going Bradford, huh?

I thought you weren't sure.
- I'm not.

I think it would be stupid not
to at least give it a shot.

- Can't let down the old man.

Bought you off with a fancy car?

- He's maximizing his options,
Frank, it's very mature.

We should be supportive,
not judgmental.

- Look for the good
in your fellow man.

- Oh, the warm wind of
romance blows around you.

- With good health,
prosperity will follow.

- October 15th, are you sure?

October 15th, that's the day
of my Bradford interview.

- Let me see that.

OK, you got me, it's blank.

- What the hell?

- You see, I would never
get on that shit, never.

Just, leave everything behind,

not knowing where are you going.

I can't believe
that you would Neal.

Just, leave your friends, and
your family, and for what?

Hey, earth to Neal.
What's the matter?

- Sally my fortune.

Didn't it say, October
15th, are you sure?

- Obviously it didn't.

- At the restaurant,
when I showed it to you,

isn't that what it said?

- Why are you making such
a big deal about this?

- Because it is
bugging me. That's why.

- You're just
projecting your anxiety,

about your decision,
and that is natural.

It's OK. You'll do great.

Because that's who you are.

Here, just take a nice
deep breath, relax.

- Sally, listen to me.

What are the chances?

That of all cookies
in that kitchen,

that exact one
ended up on a plate,

that was taken to our
table, and I picked it?

- It was blank, Neal.

The fortune was
blank. You projected.

- I projected?

Right.

That was the politically
correct way to say

I was seeing things,
what a lovely thought.

I worked graveyard shifts
at the grocery warehouse,

filling orders for
the trucks to take to

the various stores
in the morning.

I liked it for three reasons.

I'd gotten the job on my own.

It paid enough that
I didn't have to ask

the old man for cash.

And it annoyed Daniel that
his son was even working

at such a low-class job.

- I hear you are quittin' to
become some big shot lawyer

in your new fancy-ass car, hmmm?

Well, whooptie-do.

- Hey, Kirby, give
the kid a break.

- You just remember that
no matter how hot shit

you think you are, it's
always gonna be more the same.

Just another high school.

- High School?
- Hell yeah.

Everything in life
is like high school.

They're just changin' names.

Well, you take this place.

Instead of a principal,
we've got boss.

Instead of teachers,
supervisors.

Instead of assignments,
they give us work orders

and if you fuck up them
work orders, you get fired.

Instead of expelled.

Oh yeah, names are different,
but it is exact same shit.

High school.

Damaged goods.

Well, store can't sell them.

Guess I'll just have to
take them off their hands.

- Is he right, Otis, I mean
is everything more the same?

- Yeah, if you look
at it like that.

I mean, look at me, I show
up here, see the same people,

take shipment to
the same stores,

see those same people,
eat at the same places,

see those same people,
but not really.

See.

I like seeing those people,
well most of them any way.

And if I want
something different,

I can make it different,
go a different way.

Eat at a different place,
do an Interstate gig.

See I never went
to high school...

Look at them.

In the morning they will
get up, and go to the store.

And the pasta will be on the
shelf where it always is,

and not one of them
will give a moment's

thought as to how it got there.

- Holy shit.

That's her.

I must have seen her
on the billboard,

and that's how she got in
my dreams, that's wild.

You dream about her?

- Yeah, yeah, Yes.

Pretty silly, huh.
- Maybe it means something.

- Like what?

- Like the thunderbolt, you
know, love at the first sight.

- Oh come on Otis, that's
just fairytale stuff.

- That's how I met my wife.

Spotted her in a crowd
at the riverfront,

4th of July fireworks.

Couldn't take my eyes of her.

Fireworks were up there,
but I was staring at her.

And I just knew.

- Well, see, all my girlfriends,

are always a reaction
to the one I had last.

Like, Janet was so
opinionated about my art,

it drove me crazy.

So I found Sally, who refuses
to be judgmental about it.

Meanwhile she's trying
to psychoanalyze me.

So she is not the one either.

- Then maybe you
should go after her?

- Girl like that, she's a model,

she's probably got guys
fallen all over her.

Guys with big portfolios.

- Yeah, I guess it's
kinda childish idea.

Chasing a dream.

- Yeah hi, your billboard
on Delmar & Wicker's,

the one on the side
of the building?

Yeah, whose ad agency is that?

No, no, no next to the
Casino Queen billboard.

The girl with the phone, says:
"There is another choice."

Blank, no, no it can't be blank.

I was just there. I just saw it.

No, I just saw it!

Hey, what is the sign
on the right said?

- What, are you nuts,
it's blank, man.

- Neal Oliver.

Your appointment has been
scheduled for tomorrow.

September 25th, 10 a.m.

555 Olive Street.

Suite 1300.

No rescheduling.

- Neal Oliver.
- Who is this?

- Your appointment has
been scheduled for tomorrow.

- Hello?
- September 25th.

- Hello?
- 10 a.m.

555 Olive Street.

Suite 1300, no rescheduling.

- Morning, Mr. Oliver.

Wasn't sure that you'd
actually show up.

Not everyone does.

- Ray?

- I've got a job for
you, if you want it.

Drive cross country,
deliver a package.

- Right, what the hell
is going on here Ray?

Because I'm seeing
things on signs...

In fortune cookies, I
mean, weird messages!

- Black hearts, or red spades.

I told you, you
can see them now.

- What's it all about?

- It's all about you, Neal.

It's all about you.

Here's the job.

- Misspelled Denver.

- Did I now?

- OK, so why me?

Why not FedEx?

What's in here, any way?

- Can't really say.

- You can't really say,
because you don't know,

or you do know, and
don't want me to know?

- Well either way, the
result is the same.

- So what's this job pay?

- Can't really say.

- Well, what's the catch?

Or you can't really
say that either?

- Always wanting the
answers, aren't you?

Consider it, an interesting way
to break in the new century.

Or simply, a way to
break in that new car.

Before your Bradford interview.

- How do you know about that?

Open it.

Sit down.

Here's the deal.

If you walk out of
here with that package,

you agree to deliver it.

You don't loose it,
you don't open it,

and you don't try to find
out what's inside it.

You'll be compensated
on the other end.

Go by way of Interstate 60.

Delivery date is October 2nd.

So you'll have time to visit
some towns, meet some people.

See what's out there.

Pick up some travelers' tales.

Highway experiences.

Episodes of the road.

- This is too surreal.

I mean, you, this office,

the 13th floor of a building
that has no 13th floor.

My alarm clock's gonna
go off any second.

- Rise and shine.

You're awake Neal.

Could be you're awake for
the first time in your life.

It's our standard form.

And I'll need you to seal it
with the drop of your blood.

- Blood?

- Of course, I'm the devil.

Just kidding.

Traditionally, when a
man means what he says,

he'll put his blood
where his mouth is.

- All right.

- Oh, one more thing.

There's a killer out
there, so be careful.

- Now you tell me, after I sign?

- Well the journey of
life always includes

a possibility of death.

- Well this killer,
what does he look like?

- Who said it was a man?
- It's a woman?

It's not this Robin
Fields, is it?

I know, you can't really say.

- I didn't misspell
the name of that town.

You'll find it.

Just go west on Interstate 60.

- Look, we've been over this,
there is no Interstate 60.

There's a US 60.

But there is no Interstate 60.

- Look, there's got to be.

- Well look here, here is 70.

The next major
route south is 40.

So if there was an I-60,

it would have to be some
where between 70 and 40.

But, as you can
see, it's not there.

It simply doesn't exist.

- Where do you find a
highway, that doesn't exist?

Well, I decided to look where
it'd be if it did exist.

Ray said that you don't
find hidden places,

by sticking to the
well traveled routes

So, I skipped well
traveled Interstate 55,

and went south on Bob
Dylan's highway 61.

And there she was again.

Telling me, I was right.

I was fast becoming
a believer in signs.

Hey it's you I'm delivering
this package, isn't it?

You're Robin Fields.

All of the sudden it
makes total sense.

Cool. Very cool.

Very, very cool.

You're the waiter,
from my birthday party.

- O.W. Grant.
- Neal Oliver.

It's a strange coincidence,
seeing you here again.

- Yeah well, only if you
believe in coincidence.

I prefer inevitability.

Every event is inevitable.

If it wasn't, it
wouldn't happen.

- Right.

- Oh, I forgot to give
you your birthday present.

Remember your wish?

- Oh, an answer.

- Yeah.
- That's great.

- Yeah, it gets greater.

Go on, go ahead. Try it.

Yes or no questions.

- OK, hmmm.

8-ball, is there
an Interstate 60?

- I told you, it'd get greater.

- Who are you mister?

- The O.W stands for One Wish.

That's what I do.

I grant wishes.

One to a customer.

Yours was more
interesting than most.

Open-ended.

Signifies thought
instead of greed.

That's what I get
most of the time.

Gimme, gimme, gimme
this, gimme that...

Usually money, or
sex, or easy living.

How I deliver, yeah, that
depends on what mood I'm in.

- 8-ball, is this
guy bull-shitting me?

- Come on.

Let's find that road.

- Now, one young couple
wished to be married.

Live happily ever after.

So I blew up their car.

At the church, on the
way to the honeymoon.

Another guy, he wanted
great perfect sex every day,

with his choice of gorgeous
women, no pregnancies.

So, everyday there is a FedEx
delivery of a skin magazine,

box of tissues.

There's the stop
sign, turn right.

There's the sign post, up ahead.

- Son of a
bitch, I found it.

- It was inevitable.

- So, I thought all Interstates
were divided highways,

with limited access.

- No, when highway
doesn't officially exist.

The rules don't apply.

- OK so how is it we're on a
highway, that isn't on any map,

going to a towns, that
presumably don't exist?

- Well, there's unlisted
phone numbers, right?

So, why can't there be
unlisted highways and towns?

- I don't buy it.

There's got to be a better
explanation than that.

- Better explanation.

OK, how about it's a
parallel dimension.

Or you're in a dream.

Or it has something
to do with your wish.

Or, you're in a coma from
when that bucket hit you.

Or maybe, just maybe...

You're dead.

- Well?

- Well, what do you want kid?

I just gave you not one
explanation, but six.

All of them reasonable.

You want an answer, pick one.

It want change anything.

You, you took a job, and
now you got to do it.

- Yeah, but it could
change something.

I mean, so, what like,
what if I'm dead?

What if I'm dead, right now.

Then there's no reason,

why shouldn't drive on
oncoming traffic, right?

- OK, go ahead. Try it.

But that's why
you accelerate and

way of the big
semi to come at us,

which should be in about
25 seconds, I figure.

Come to this, now,
if you are dead.

Then, this is the after life,

and you made a deal with
a guy, sealed in blood,

who knew everything about you,

even what you are going to
say, before you said it.

Now who do you think,
that guy might be?

And do you think it is a
good idea to piss him of?

- Maybe you got a point.

- Maybe I do .

Oh, I love this highway.

Me? I consider myself
an artist, too.

I see life as art appreciation.

You know, some
artists can't stand

the sight of their work
once it's finished.

Me, I'm one of my
own biggest fans.

And one of my favorites will
be coming through that door,

any moment...

Now.

- Yeah, can I take your order?

- 15 double-cheeseburgers,
please.

- 15
double-cheese to go.

- Oh, not to go,
I'll eat them here.

- Hold the order.

You're going to eat 15
double-cheeseburgers,

all by yourself?

- Yeah.

Why, they are real big,
you think 15 to many?

- Way too many.

- All right, 12
then, an even dozen.

- Look, are you drunk
or something, mister?

Well I don't know, can
you get drunk on six beer?

- Hey fella.

I've got a hundred that says

you can't eat six
double-cheese, as much less 12.

- So what you're saying
is they're really
big cheeseburgers?

- My hundred saying you
can't eat six double-cheese.

- Well, I'm kinda hungry,
but maybe you're right.

12 is too many burgers,
I'll tell you what?

Make it two double-cheese,

three orders of fried
chicken, one BLT,

two ham & Swiss on rye,
chicken fried steak,

turkey club, and two
bowls chill, extra onions.

And one piece of
each of those pies.

- One piece of
each of these pies?

Anything else?

- Three order onion rings.

That's much more sensible lunch,

than 12 double-cheeseburgers.

Oh, and hold the pickles.
- Oh hold the jar of pickles.

- 100 bucks.

If you can finish all
that food, in one hour.

Without getting up
from that counter,

and without losing your lunch.

- I'm not much of a betting man.

- Two to one odds then, no no,

I'll give you three to one odds.

That's 300 to mine,
against 100 to yours.

- Well, what the hell.

It's only money.

- Hal...

You better hold onto this money.

- Sure.

- Yeah, I'll
take some of that.

- 8-ball, is this guy gonna
really eat all that food?

Can I uh, can I
get on this action?

- Ask him.

- No I like long shots.

- You're crazy, your needs.

- My money just ass good, right.

- Fine by me.

- Sir, you want to drink
anything with that?

There's your order.

- All right, it's 10 after one.

On your mark, get set...

- Wait.

Ketchup, please.

- Thanks.

- All right,
what's the trick?

- Trick?

- Where is the food?

Can't all be in your stomach.

- Actually, I don't know.

Well the fact is, I've
always loved eating,

more than anything.

Go into a restaurant, want to
order everything on the menu.

But, I was always frustrated,

by the small capacity
of my stomach.

Well, 17 years ago,
I made a wish...

And amazingly
enough it came true.

Now I have, what you might
call, a black hole in my belly.

Only I have to keep
eating like this,

six or seven times a day.

Gets expensive.

So, I travel a lot,

and I take advantage of
guys like you to pay for it.

- That's a good one.

- Excuse me, mister.

I've gotta know one thing.

Do you still love eating?

- No, now it's a drag.

- Listen kid...

Nobody minds being
taken by that guy,

he gave us good
show for our money.

But I draw a line
over what you did.

- Well what did I do?

I just bet the right
horse, that's all.

- You were in on it, I know
a hustle when I see one.

- I played a hunch,
I swear to God.

I've never seen that
guy before in my life.

- But your friend there has.

Haven't you fella?

- Oh, I wont deny it.

- Now give back the money
that you stole, son.

- Hey look sir, I
won a couple of bets.

If that's such a crime why
don't we call the police.

- I am the police.

- Oh OK.

Sorry about that.

That's all my money.

- Hit the road, fellas.

- OK, so what's
your game Mr. Grant?

Because it seems like you know
exactly what's gonna happen,

just before it happens,

and it's just like
fucking with me!

- Oh, don't take
it personal kid.

I fuck with everybody.

That's what I do.

In fact I highly recommend it

as an unending
source of amusement.

And as far as knowing
what's gonna happen.

Well, on this highway,

the past, the
present, the future,

the what ifs and maybes,
the roads not taken,

could all converge,
get jumbled up.

I just happen to be
tuned into it that's all.

- So what are you like an
angel or a god or something?

Just, picking up certain
people to give him a wish?

- No no, just a guy who likes
to mess with peoples heads.

I'm a Joker in life's deck.

- But, why do it?

- I enjoy it.

You should always find
something to do, that you enjoy.

Although I will admit
I have been considering

a career change.

Job in a convenience
store r maybe becoming

a male prostitute.

You're gay?

You're fucking with
me, aren't you?

- Yeah.

The fact is I'm a virgin.

I always will be.

My penis was cut off in
a very weird accident,

when I was nine.

- Yeah, right.

- You wanna see it?

- Yeah show me.

Holy shit.

Oh, God...

- Oh, let me tell you, the
world is very different place,

when you're not constantly
thinking about sex,

or responding sexually
to everything.

- Yeah.

I gotta guess that'd would be.

Wait, how would you know?

How would you know,

what it's like to not have
something you never had?

- Oh now you're thinking.

You'd be surprised,

how many people take
that statement on faith.

Sounds right, so
they just accept it.

As I say.

Messing with people's
heads, can be a lot of fun.

You should try it.

Some nice scenery
coming up ahead.

- Hello then,
you're going my way?

- If you're going west.

- Then, that's my way.

Hey, why don't you
hop in the back,

because hukny here is gonna
wanna take a good luck at me,

and if I'm in the front,
he'll have a better view.

And if you're in the
back, so will you.

I'm Laura.

- I'm Neal.

Oh, and that's Mr. Grant.

So, where you going Laura?

- Me?

Oh, I'm going to the

find the perfect fuck.

- Wow, that's an
interesting destination.

- You ever been there?

- Can't say that I have.
- Me neither.

But so far the trip's
been pretty exciting.

- Only, how will you know,
when you've gotten there?

- Ugh that is a problem, it's
actually become my obsession,

but you don't need
to here about it.

- No no it's uh...

Sure, sure I do.

- The first time,
wasn't that great.

I'm thinking: This is it?

This is what all these
songs are written about?

I mean, talk about hype.

Second time was a
little bit better.

Third time, now
that was a hot time.

Fourth time, not as
good as the third time.

But once I've done
this enough to have all

these experiences to compare,
it just drove me nuts.

I mean, what if the best one
was right around the corner?

You know, how much better,
would the perfect one be?

So this became my quest.

No, there is times, when wish
I've gone in the convent.

But my obsession, becomes
your opportunities.

So you little stud muffin.

You want to take advantage
of a girl that can't say no?

- Any guy ever turned
you down before?

- Not unless he was gay.

- OK, what number would I be?

- 2461.

But I have got a very, very
good feeling about you,

and there's something
very, very special.

- I think I'm gonna pass, Laura.

- What do you mean,
you will pass?

Guys don't pass.

Oh, I'm clean, there
is no diseases,

if that's what
you're worried about.

I've got condoms,
all the best kinds.

Come on Neal, stick it to me.

- OK, OK, OK, whoa
whoa whoa whoa!

I'm not doing it. Period.

- So, you just, you
are not man enough?

You meet a real woman and
you turn in to a wuss?

Think you won't
measure up, hmmm?

- Well, you'll never
know, will you?

Because if I don't do it...

I won't be number
2000 and whatever.

I'll be number One.

That one guy.

Guy you will remember for
the rest of your life.

You stay up at night,
thinking about me, wondering,

was he the one?

The answer is yes, I
am the perfect fuck.

The one you never had.

Perfect on every way.

- Look, stop it, stop it...

- It's a zen thing,
it's amazing.

I've never been perfect
at anything before.

- Well, you did fuck me.

A mind fuck, and
it was terrible.

- It was good for me.

- What about you Mr.?

I bet you're a real man.

You're man enough
to be in my book?

Oh hell yes, put
me down in there.

But I sometimes got a
little problem you know,

getting excited.

- Very good sir, let me
take care of that baby.

- Now, that's a museum
you'd really appreciate.

The Museum Of Art Fraud?

What is it, a bunch
of bogus paintings.

- Stop in Renburg, have a look.

You'll find it very
uh, thought provoking.

- 450 mile to Danver.

Quarter tank of
gas, and no money.

- Well, when
Columbus set sail,

he didn't know if
he'd have any wind.

- Stop!

Help stop please, stop!

- Jesus lady, what are you--

- Help my, please, my son,
took my car and run off.

I think he's in Banton.

Will you take me there,
I've gotta find him.

- Look I'm sorry, but
I'm not going that way.

- I'll pay you, $53, it's all
I have just take me to Banton.

Help my find my son, please.

- You need money. She shows up.

Coincidence?

- All right lady, hop
in, I'll take you.

- Thank you.

- Well, I'll hop out.

You're gettin' in
tune with the highway.

Say,

that's important.

Good luck Neal.

- Hey, wait a minute, am
I gonna see you again?

- Always wanting an answer.

Well, maybe you'll
find it in Banton.

- I'll pay you the rest,
when we'll find Philip.

Oh, I'm Susan Ross.

- Neal Oliver.

So, how old is Philip, Susan?
- 16.

He's my baby.

He's all I have.

He's run away before, but
he's always come back.

God I am so scared!

What if I never find him?

- Well, did you call the police?

- They say I should
look in Banton.

It's not like I've
been a bad mother.

It's just, it's so hard
when you're all alone.

- We're gonna find him Susan.

OK, we'll find him.

- It is illegal
to sell, consume,

or transport Euphoria
beyond the city limits,

under penalty of law.

Be warned, it is
highly addictive.

Even in small doses.

Withdraw from Euphoria,

has been known to
cause injury and death.

All responsible citizens,

are urged to avoid
this drug at all costs,

and stay in the
Euphoria-free zones.

Euphoria is legal in Banton,

and is distributed within
the Banton city limits.

However!
- What kind of town is this?

- it is illegal
to sell, consume...

- Maybe we should
talk to the Police?

- Come on,
come on through.

- A 16-year-old in town
with legal drugs, and a rave.

Sorry, but I don't think
he's gonna be at the library.

- The next bus to the
rave is leaving in five minutes.

The next bus to the rave
is leaving in five minutes.

- OK.

First timers?

Are you aware, that Euphoria
is being distributed inside,

that it is dangerous,
an addictive substance,

and you are strongly advised
not to partake of it?

- Well, how can we not be?

- Go on.

- You'll need this.

- No, thanks.

- Don't be stupid.

This, this is the answer.

This is to everything.

And you really need it,
come on, .

- Susan!

Susan, he's over here.

- Philip.

Oh, thank God, we've found you.

- Mom!
- Please, let's go home.

- Chill Ma, I am home.

See this, this is the place,
the happiest place on earth.

- You can't stay here,
you have to come home.

- But Mom!

Who's this?

New stud boyfriend?

Sure can pick 'em.

- You've got school.
- Fuck school.

I've got Euphoria.

Here, try some
Mom, it's the best.

- Philip. You can't stay here.

- Yo, I'm legal age here.

I can do anything I want.

I want Euphoria.

- You stole my car.

- It's in the impound
yard, take it.

I don't want it, eat it.

No, you take me there.

- Go away. Leave me alone!

- Hey, what's a matter with you?

- Philip, Philip!
- Hey what's going on her?

- Hey, now break it up.
- Philip come home.

- That's it.
- Philip! Philip!

Please come home.

- The fact is ma'am, here
your son's of legal age.

He wants to stay, he
can't be forced to leave.

And...

He wants to stay.

No, they all do they're addicts.

- But he's just a boy he
didn't know what he was doing.

- Oh, no no.

He knew.

They all knew,

that's why there's
those warnings posted

all over town.

- Yeah, but if this drug is
so addictive, why is it legal?

- Son...

This town had
serious drug problem.

And all the problems
that go along with it.

We tried everything.

Punishment for dealing,
punishment for using.

More enforcement,

tougher enforcement, jail,
hell, public humiliation.

But, it all came
down to one thing.

Some folks just wanna get high.

So...

We came up with a
radical solution...

Euphoria.

Synthetic drug, potent,
legal, and totally addictive,

and we warn everyone,
not to use it.

But like I said, some
folks just wanna get high.

One hit of this,
and you are hooked.

And we own them.

Camp controls the supplies
so of course we can set

the prize, and we made
it very affordable.

Live in our camps,
eat our food, and,

you know, just do a
couple of off jobs,

pick up some trash, mow the
lawn, clean some toilets,

and you get your Euphoria.

And at night, man,
party till you drop.

The thrall is so intense,
that everybody pays the price.

It's an incredible
achievement, really.

Drug so powerful that it
sublimates the sex drive.

You know, how many rapes
we had here last year?

None.

- Are you saying
Philip's going to be

cleaning toilets for
the rest of his life?

With no sex drive?

He'll never marry.

I'll never have grandchildren?

- It's ironic, isn't it?

Americans fought
a war for freedom,

another one to end slavery.

What someone would choose
to do with their freedom?

Become slaves.

- But they're human beings,
I mean they have rights.

They didn't know what
they be given up.

- They made a choice.

But look at them.

They seem miserable to you?

They live a simple, happy life.

No decisions, no
responsibilities.

Nah-ah, no problems...

They found their answer.

You so sure, that your
life is better than theirs?

- It's like they're animals.

- Oh yeah, we're all animals.

Just that, some of us have
different priorities that's all.

Whatever your priorities are,

Banton is a really
nice place to live.

- No, it's a nightmare
please, I want my son back.

I'll do anything.

- All right than, now it
comes down to three choices.

One, you move here to
the Euphoria free zone,

and that way, you at least
have the chance to see him.

Hell, some parents end up
having their kids work for 'em.

Kind of perverse pay back.

Two. You go home.

Try to find something else
to make your life worthwhile.

Or three...

Join the party.

- What should I do?

You're smart, tell
me what to do.

- I don't know, I
guess, if it was me...

I'd want to see my boy.

- But he doesn't wanna see me.

Oh, my God...

It's wonderful...

I feel so beautiful...

I never knew, I could be so...

Happy!

- Well, how about you son?

You want some?

- No thanks.

I'll pass.

- It's Ives here.

We've got a rookie in my office,

and I've short shifted
the cleaning gall again.

Send in the zoo keeper.
- Roger that.

- Well, guess you're gonna need
a motel room for the night.

Plus, you get.a 300
dollars finders fee.

- Finders fee?

- Yeah, for her.

You've just increased
our labor pool.

We pay for that, around here.

What's the matter son?

Somebody offers you
an advantage. take it.

- I took the room,
but not the money.

I couldn't.

And even then I didn't
sleep very well.

I never got the rest
of the 53 bucks, but,

given the dynamics
of Interstate 60,

I wasn't concerned.

I knew something would
be just down the road.

It was inevitable.

What did concern me,

was whether something
else was inevitable.

8-ball, should I be
worried about this killer?

Well an you be more specific?

Figures.

The inevitable something down
the road, was 20 miles ahead,

and he was quite the character.

So what's the deal
there, mister?

- Say hello to Marian for me.

Hey, Bob Cody.

I don't drive.

And I don't like to hitchhike.

When I hitchhike, I'm at
the mercy of the driver.

But when I pay for the
ride, I'm the employer,

and I call the shots.

That's how I like it.

So, you wanna work for me?

- Well, I'm going to Danver.

I wouldn't mind
making some money.

- Good, I'm going to
Renburg, it's on your way.

Here's my proposition.

You pay for gas,
pay for your meals.

No alcohol while
you're on payroll.

I pick the radio stations, I
initiate all conversations.

I'll pay you 10 dollars
cash every hour.

And the mileage money,
when we get to Renburg.

In all other matters.

You play straight with me,
I'll play straight with you.

So, we have a contract?

- We have a contract.

- So, who is my new employee?

- Neal Oliver.

- Mr. Oliver, you
may call me Mr. Cody.

Or sir.

- You got it, sir.

He was going to Renburg.

The Museum Of Art
Fraud was in Renburg.

Coincidence?

I knew then that I'd had
to check out that museum.

It was inevitable.

Mr. Cody had rather unique
tastes in audio stimulation.

- The choice is clear.

The Orient 620.

The American made car, for
American made drivers...

- See, that's a lie.

Orient engines
are made in Japan.

- Kill Signal.

The movie everyone's talking
about from Weberfilms.

- That's another lie,
we're not talking about it.

- We're the United
State's Post Office and we care.

- Oh, that's the
biggest whopper of all.

You know, sometimes only
the chairman will do.

- Now there's an ad
I just can't figure.

Now what's warmer, the
weather, the water, the girl?

She's pretty, though.

- Robin Fields.

She's gorgeous.

Sir.

- What, you know her?

- Not yet, I'm
meeting her in Danver.

- You're a lucky man.

- Yeah, to be honest, I'm
a little nervous about it.

Because you know,
what am I gonna say?

I mean how do you start a
conversation with the girl

of your dreams, without
coming off like a total dork?

- Don't say anything.

Let her start.

- That's, a good idea, yeah.

Sit back, listen to sweet
musical tones of her voice.

- Son, you got it bad.

- Yes sir, I do.

- Now there's a sign that's
telling the truth, for a change.

- Yeah, looks
like a motel to me.

- No,
frontier, you ever hear of

Frederick Turner, Mr. Oliver?

- No sir.

- Well, he was an historian.

About a hundred years ago,

he came up with the
theory about the frontier.

Said, the Frontier was a
safety valve for civilization.

Place for people to go, to
keep them from going mad.

So whenever there were folks,

who couldn't fit in
with ways things were...

Nuts, malcontents,
and extremists...

They'd packed up and
head for the frontier.

That's how America got started.

All the crackpots and
trouble makers in Europe,

packed up, and
went to a frontier,

which became The
Thirteen Colonies.

When some people couldn't
fit in with that,

they moved farther west.

Which is why all the
nuts eventually ended
up in California.

Turner died in 1932, so.

He wasn't around long enough
to see what would happen

to the world, when we
ran out of frontier.

Some people say, we have
a frontier in the mind.

And they go off and
explore the wonderful world

of alcohol, and drugs, but,

that's no frontier.

It's just another way for
us to fool ourselves...

And we've created this phony
frontier with computers.

Which allows people to
think they've escaped...

Frontier with access fees...

- What about space,
the final frontier?

- Ah, Star Trek isn't
space, that's television.

Fine fuckin' frontier, that is.

Besides, how many folks can
just pack up, and go to space?

Nah, the frontier is right here.

Interstate 60.

That's why it was put here.

Give people, who wanted
something a little different,

a place to go.

- Is that really true Mr. Cody?

- If it isn't, it should be.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can you help me out mister?

- Will work for food, eh?

OK, here's an apple, food.

Now, I'd like for you to
wash that man's windshield.

Work.

- Hey man, I ain't gonna wash
his windshield for no apple.

- Oh, excuse me but it doesn't
say might work for food,

it doesn't say restricted menus,

it says will work for food.

This is food, that's work.

What's the problem?

- I ain't doin' it, that's all.

- Now, let's be honest,
you don't wanna work.

You just want a hand out,
so you can buy booze.

And nothing wrong
with that. Drinking.

That's a great human tradition.

And if you'd been
straight about it,

I'd bought you some Chivas.

But by holding up that sign.

You made an
employment agreement.

Which I intend to hold you to.

Now, here's the apple,
you wash that car.

- Fuck you man. I don't
want your fucking apple,

so I don't gotta wash
that fucking car, yeah?

Here's what I think
of your fucking apple.

- Well, now since
you've took my food.

You gotta wash that car.

Wash it.

- Mr. Cody, this is
really not that important.

- Yes it is.

This jerk out here
lying in writing?

I don't tolerate
lying from any one!

Especially not in writing.

You, wash the damn car.

- You, shut the fuck up!

Or I'm gonna cut you.

- Hey you all get
outta here, now!

I'm gonna call the sheriff.

- Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

You see, I've got lung cancer.

I'm terminal, six
months to live.

Only, I'm not going
out in a hospital.

That's dynamite.

Enough to take out everything
in radius of 150 yards.

I don't give two farts and a
martini, if I go now or later.

But if you do you'd
better wash that car.

- OK, OK mister, I'll
clean it for you.

- No!

He's gotta do it.

- What are you nuts?
Wash the windshield.

- Clean it!

- Wash the car.
- Come on!

- OK, OK! I'll
wash it, all right!

Turn it of, I'll watch the car

- You ought to call the sheriff,

and have that guy shot
through the head, he's crazy.

- I've got much
simpler solution.

- Say what you mean,
mean what you say.

You know, if everybody
followed that rule,

there would be a
lot less trouble.

Now, we still have a
contract Mr. Oliver.

I sure hope, you're not thinking
of breaking that contract.

- Thinking about it? Yes.

Doing it? No, sir.

- That's a very honest response.

That's a breath of fresh air.

Cigarette?

- No, thank you
sir, I don't smoke.

- I like cigarettes.

Package says they cause
cancer, and they do.

Say what you mean,
mean what you say.

Nor, for one, for cigarettes,

I don't know where I'd be today.

I used to be in advertising.

I got paid for lying.

And one day, a little boy died
because of one of those lies.

Boy, that fried me.

So, when I got my
nicotine death sentence,

I decided to make the
rest of my time count.

Put and end on
some of those lies.

Now, for the first
time on my life,

I'm fulfilled, I'm content.

Lung cancer.

It's not without its benefits.

- I couldn't decide if
he was for real, or bluffing.

Totally sane or completely nuts.

Maybe the dynamite was
fake, or the detonator was.

Or maybe not.

As Grant would say, lots of
answers, all of them reasonable.

I did know that I liked
it, that was for sure.

- Mister Oliver.

You're one of the best
employees I've ever had.

I'm giving you a tip.

And my card.

If you ever want to
work for me again.

You call that number.

It's mine direct line.

Good luck with that girl.
- Thank you sir.

The Museum Of Art Fraud
was only three blocks away.

That Interstate 60 dynamic
was clearly at work again.

And my own curiosity
was definitely piqued.

- Oh, you must be Douglas.

Oh, thank goodness,
I'm so glad to see you.

I didn't think you were coming.

I mean, the agency
called to cancel.

Oh excuse me I'm sorry,
I'm Mrs. James, the owner.

- Hi Mrs. James, listen I--

- And today we're viewing
the originals right now.

I know you're confused!

But if you do as I say, I will
give you a hundred dollars.

- Late Mr. James
was most proud of

five original
masterpieces in this room.

Rarely seen, and per his
wishes never photographed.

Monet, Cezanne,
Van Gogh, Renoir,

Degas.

Each is valued in the millions.

No less then Bill
Gates and Warren Buffet

have attempted to buy them.

Of course they're not for sale.

Now if we can
proceed this way...

- Now, take the paintings
down very carefully,

remove them from the frames.

And then, after that. put
them on the easels out here.

Today you're going to
be my nephew Edward.

Now, just follow my lead,
and go with the flow.

- OK.

- This way please.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to our gallery of
affordable reproductions.

It was my late
husband's request,

that none of his five
original masterpieces,

ever be photographed
or reproduced in
any book or catalog.

So, we offer these copies...

Rendered by my nephew Edward.

At the modest cost
of $350 a piece.

And if you have any questions,
please, don't hesitate

to ask either one of us.

- How long did it
take you to do them?

- How long?
- Hmm?

- I knocked them
out all in a week.

- I can tell.

Some of your brush work
is rather uneven...

Well, you get what you pay for.

- It's decent craftsmanship,
perhaps a little slick.

Lacks the artist soul.

- Yeah, but I'm just an amateur.

- It's shameful.

Cezanne would roll
over in his grave,

to see such a
mockery of his work.

Well, let's be glad
for both our sakes,

that he won't see it.

- Well, you've heard
it from the experts.

You have no talent whatsoever.

- Well, I've never
been more flattered.

- My late husband's desire.

Was that his
masterpieces be owned

by people who will enjoy them.

Not trophy collectors.

Thus our charade.

But do you know, in eight years

I have yet to sell a painting.

- Why don't you donate
them to an art museum?

- Oh, upon my death, clones
of them will be donated.

- Clones?

- Oscar was an art
collector, dealer.

Technical genius, and
a practical joker,

and wealthy enough to indulge
in his most outrageous whims.

He developed a process where by,

he could duplicate a painting
almost on a molecular level.

He would borrow a great
master from a museum,

and duplicate it, and
often send back the copy.

And he was never found out.

A Starry Night, the original.

The one in New York is a clone.

This Monet,

the art world thinks that
the original is in Paris.

- Unbelievable.

So there're all originals?

- So what does one do, with
a collection like this?

- You tell everyone
they're fakes.

- Good huh, and so, just before
he died, Oscar created this.

The Museum Of Art Fraud.

The world's greatest art museum.

Masquerading as a cheap
tourist attraction.

Oh my God that's...

- My husband,
Oscar Warren James.

- Of course, of course.

I must say, I was
feeling pretty damn good.

Hell I was feeling inspired.

I wanted to deliver the package,

and then I wanted
to go out and paint.

And I wished I could
go back in time,

and enter a piece in
the Conrad Competition.

But, I'd had my one wish.

And I couldn't look back.

Hot and cool, hot and cool.

I'm getting warmer,
I'm getting colder.

Of course.

8-ball,

that girl is not in Danver
and her name is not Robin,

isn't it?

Well is she in Morlaw?

OK so, if I go there,
will I find her?

So there it was, the
proverbial fork in the road.

My job. The word I'd given.

The contract I'd signed.

Versus the lovely Lynn,
the girl of my dreams.

Her musical voice in
my head, leading me.

Where?

So what did I do?

I did what any self respecting
hopeless romantic would do.

I rationalized.

Five days to go 158 miles.

I got time to chase a
dream, right 8-ball?

Good answer.

- Drivers license.

- What did I do, officer?

- Nothing.

You're served.

You're being sued
by Mr. J.J. Madison,

for your responsibility

in a hit and run kill
of his pat cat Snickers,

three weeks ago in
front of the courthouse.

- But I've never
been here before.

I was in St. Louis
three weeks ago.

- Tell it to the judge.

I'm just process serving.

Meanwhile I suggest
you head into the town

and hire yourself a lawyer,
you're gonna need one.

But first uh, park your
car in that lot over there,

by the lake, you can get
sued for polluting the air.

- Hey Mister!

I'm really good, check it
out Stanford, class of '88.

Summa cum laude, but more
important I know the angles.

- You don't need a lawyer.

You need a good
lawyer, and that's me.

Page Mackland Park is the name,

and that's the only name
you need to remember.

These other guys, I won't see--

- I'm uninterested.
- Valerie McCabe, year of '91.

I've got special
rates for visitors.

And I know I can win your case.

- You don't even know my case.

- The Madison case?

Nuisance suit, happens
to visitors all the time.

Fact is, J.J. Madison
doesn't even have a cat.

He's allergic.

I can have it thrown
out in no time.

- Wait. He never had a cat?

So why he's gonna
sue somebody for it?

- Because he can.

- What?

- Every adult citizen
of Morlaw, is a lawyer.

So everybody sues
everybody else.

It doesn't matter
if there is a cause.

It's how we make sure
that everybody makes

a living off the profession.

- Yeah, but that's insane.

- I can sue you for that.

You just made a defamatory
remark about this town.

Hey are you looking at my legs,
I can sue you for that too.

Sexual harassment.

- Is there anything
you can't sue me for?

- Hire me.

That way everything
between us is subject to

attorney-client privilege.

I'm $75 an hour,
first hour is free.

- Well, at least
you know my case.

All right. You're hired.

- Hey, hey I'm suing
you Valerie, no no!

For the sexual enticement
or the appearance thereof

of a potential client on
the public thoroughfare.

He only hired you, because he
found you sexually attractive.

- Hurry. My office.

We could get slapped with
a dozen more lawsuits,

just walking down the street.

This will be essential.

Shouldn't make more
then a couple of weeks.

- Whoa, whoa, weeks?

No, no, no, I have to be
in Danver on October 2nd.

It can't take that long.

- That's not long.

Long is our city limits sign.

We've been trying to get knew
one put up for five years now.

But we forgot a file an
environmental impact report,

and as the metal in the signpost

is a potentially
hazardous substance,

we're in court over that.

And another lawyer
is challenging

the census figure on the sign.

And another lawyer said
we had to do another

land survey to determine
the exact city limits,

so we know precisely
where to put the sign.

So we brought in a surveyor.

But he got sued for smoking,

and wasn't enjoined from
finishing the survey.

I say we're at least two
years, from a new sign.

- And you chose to live here?

- I wouldn't live anywhere else.

Every day is a new challenge.

A new precedent.

A new way of
interpreting of the law.

It's an intellectual feast.

- Okay so if everyone who
lives here is a lawyer,

how do you live?

I mean, who runs
the grocery store.

Who does your dry cleaning?

Who fixes the shitter,
when it breaks?

Well, we all moonlight
on the law related jobs.

You know police, bailiffs,
court reporters...

But those other trivial
things, you mentioned?

They're done by people
like you, awaiting trial.

It's the only way they can
afford their legal fees.

Now, I can get you a hearing
on Monday October 1st.

Meanwhile.

We'll have to call witnesses,
to testify as your character.

You know, family, friends.

So, that you can qualify
for your employment program.

It'll help keep cost down.

So tomorrow morning, why
don't you get me their names

and numbers, and
I'll subpoena them.

- Well, even if
they could get here.

Wouldn't they get sued too?

- Of course.

But you'll indemnify them, and
their problems will fall on

your shoulders, which
means more work for me.

- Okay, well, I have those
phone numbers they're in my car.

I'm gonna go get them.

And I'm gonna make few
calls, and be right back.

- No you won't.

Fred. Mr. Oliver is
a potential fugitive.

Lock him up.
- Lock me up?

- Of course.

We lawyers have to
protect out livelihood.

- Wait you can't do this
to me, I have rights.

- I know you do, sweetie,
I'm here to protect them.

- I couldn't even
blame the 8-ball.

It said a meeting was possible.

Yeah, right, a meteor wiping
out Morlaw was possible too.

Probably more possible
than ever meeting Lynn.

Hey, hey Lynn!

Hey Lynn, over here!

Up here, up here!

I'm gonna get you out!

I'm gonna get you out!

In order to get her out,
I had to get me out.

But jailbreak, was
clearly not happening.

Ditto for a tunnel job.

I needed an answer, and
my 8-ball was in the car.

Damn it.

There had to be a way, to
blow this thing wide open.

And then I knew.

My lawyer needed a
character witness.

But I needed a witness
who was a character.

- Please, state
your name and occupation.

- Robert Wilson Cody.

I'm what you might
call it an ax-grinder.

- Mr. Cody please tell the court
how you know the defendant.

- He was my employee.

- And how would you
characterize him?

- Honest, trustworthy,
intelligent.

- Ask him if he's aware that
the charge against me is a lie,

and that everyone here knows it.

- It's immaterial, he can
only testify as to character.

- Just ask him.

- The judge will
pull it immaterial.

- You ask him or I'll fire you.

- Mr. Cody...

Are you aware that the
charge against Mr. Oliver

is not only a complete
lie, but that the judge,

the plaintiff and every
citizen here know it?

- Objection! Immaterial.

It has nothing to do with
the character of the accused.

- Sustained.

- Wait a minute miss.

You're saying that this
is a trumped-up charge?

And you're all in on it?

- Immaterial.

The witness is ordered
to ignore the question.

- Well, I'm not going to
ignore it, your honor.

If, what she says is true,
that's a very serious matter.

- Well, serious or not, it's
immaterial to this hearing.

Next question.

- Wow judge, I asked her a
question and I want an answer.

- You don't ask here questions
Mr. Cody, you answer them.

And if you wont do
what I told you to do,

I will hold you in contempt.

- Hey, I'm not answering
any more questions,

until somebody answers mine.

Why don't you tell me judge,
are you in on a lie here?

- I fine you 500
dollars for contempt.

- Answer my goddamn
question, judge.

- A thousand dollars
and 90 days in jail.

Bailiff, Sergeant, put
Mr. Cody in a cell.

- Wow, hold the tone boys.

Now this is dynamite.

We'll all go with a bang,

if anyone takes
another step toward me.

Gentlemen, just drop your guns.

Everyone else, stay seated.

Judge, stick your
finger up your nose.

I'm not kidding.

I'm terminally ill

and I'll gladly take you all
with me to hell right now.

Judge, I said, stick
your finger up your nose.

- You'd better do it
judge, I know this guy.

He says what he means;
he means that he says.

- I'm glad we understand,
who's in charge now.

So judge.

This whole deal was a lie.

Is that right?

Keep that finger in your nose.

- Yes.

- Yes, sir.

- Yes. sir.

- Now all right.

Show of hands...

Now how many here
knew this thing was

a railroad job
against Mr. Oliver?

Liars, lawyers.

Mr. Oliver?

How do we teach
these liars a lesson?

- Now, read it judge.

- By this order,

all legal actions,
charges, fines and fees,

against any
non-citizen of Morlaw,

in any matter pending
before any Morlaw court,

I hereby dismissed,
and I declare an
unconditional amnesty.

- Thank you, Bailiff.

Make a few hundred
copies of that,

and post it all over town.

- You know this is
an interesting town.

I think I might just stay here.

- You got a problem
with that judge?

- No, no problem sir.

- Lynn?

Hi. I'm Neal.

I'm the guy who got you out.

- Yo, please to
fucking meet you, Neal.

Man, I've been so fucked
up in here, for so long,

I thought, I was never
getting the fuck out.

Yo bitch!

I want back my fucking clothes
you cocksuckers confiscated.

I shouldn't be fucking wearin'
this ugly shit no more.

Hey, handsome...

What you looking at
me like that for?

- I just didn't expect
you to talk that way.

- What, something wrong
with the way I fucking talk?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, yes.

Yes.

You make Mike Tyson sound
like an Oxford graduate.

- What are you, like
fucking dissin' me?

You like saying
that I never went to

fucking school, or something?

- Yes. that's exactly
what I'm saying.

- Don't worry.

It's just an act.

Well, it's sort of a test, see.

Guys are always so eager
to score points on me

they would be like, oh, no,

Lynn, no, the way
you talk is charming.

Yeah, unique, refreshing, a
breath of fresh air, yeah.

Air from the sewer,
is more like it.

Me, I would never go out with
somebody who talks like that.

I'm glad you wouldn't either.

I hope you have a car.

I had to sell mine
to pay my legal fees.

- I have a car.

So, how many guys did told
you that you sound cheap?

- You're the first.

You know, you're better
looking than I've expected.

- Ditto.

Wait a minute you've
been expecting me?

- Of course...

That's how the
stories always go.

The handsome prince rescues
princess from the dungeon.

That was the point
of the messages.

- The messages?

- The billboards.

My last name is
Linden, by the way.

See, I knew somebody would
figure it out eventually.

At least that's what he told me.

- Who?

- O.W. Grant.

See, I made a wish to
meet the right guy.

Although if I'd have known
that I had to spend a year

in jail waiting,
maybe I wouldn't have.

Anyway, the prince has to
undergo tests and challenges,

so that the princess will be
convinced that he's worthy.

And you passed mine,
so what's yours?

- What? My test?

- Come on, everybody
has the sympathica test.

Do you cut your grapefruit
in half or peal it?

Me, I peal it.

Favorite cartoon
character, Spider-Man.

Thin or thick crust pizza?

I go for thin every time.

- We're three to three.

I can't bel, OK,
Close Encounters?

- I would get on
ship, no question.

What's wrong?

- This is just,
it's all to perfect.

I mean, you know. You are.

You know, when something
seems too good to be true?

Hold that thought.

You see? I'm not that perfect.

- Right, right, well I
feel much better now.

- Ditto.

- So, you actually
wished for mister-right?

- What can I say? I'm human.

Humans have certain needs.

Like companionship.

And you, did you wish for me?

- Well, actually
I wished for this.

It gives me answers.

- But are they
the right answers?

- So far.

Wow, these were your billboards.

- Obviously, I don't
need them any more.

Maybe it's time
for the, you know.

Happily ever after part.

- Not quite.

I still have a job to finish.

Tomorrow October 2nd, Danver.

- Danver.

- What's wrong?

- Grant gave me an envelope.

He said if anyone was ever going
to Danver I should open it.

I don't know if this
message is for me or you.

Neal, don't go.

- I gave my word, to this guy
that I deliver this package.

I have to.

8-ball, should I go to Danver?

- Are you serious?

- I'm serious.

- You mean, you
didn't sleep at all?

- No, I couldn't.

I was possessed, by the views.

- I love it.

- You're not
just saying that?

- No.

It's got soul, passion...

Wow, take me with you.

- What about the letter?

- Screw it, I want
to go with you.

- 8-ball, should I take
Lynn with me to Danver?

Bad idea.

Is that, because it's dangerous?

The killer, does it have
to do with the killer?

- I don't care if
it's dangerous, or
what this thing says.

I still wanna go with you.

- No, Lynn.

It would make me crazy.

All right I'm not
gonna risk losing you,

not after just finding you.

- What if I lose you?

- Lynn you can't go.

The ball is never wrong, now,
I'll come back, I promise.

8-ball, I will come
back for her, won't I?

- Yes.

You will come back for me.

- What am I nuts?

The girl of my dreams,
and I leave her behind,

because of this stupid toy.

What's up, officer?

- Just got word, there's
a killer in the area.

Orders are to close the road.

- What's this killer look like?

It's coming over the radio now.

- Murder
suspect is white, male,

last seen driving a
red BMW convertible,

along Interstate 60.

This vehicle has a white paint,
splattered on the trunk lid.

- You best turn around son.

It's not safe for you here.

- It was 10 miles
before my heart rate

was back in the double digits,

and I could think straight,
but then I realized...

8-ball, is Lynn in
danger from this killer?

- Cellular service is
not available in this area.

- Beemers suck, Jeep rules!

- Oh shit, oh shit...

- Damn punks, and
their paint again!

Calling the sheriff,
here watch where they go.

- Oh no, no, no.

Please don't call the sheriff!

- The hell I wont.

I'm sick of those punks
making trouble around here.

Hey, come back
with my binoculars!

- 8-ball, am I the killer?

- The latest reports

indicate the suspect is carrying

a murder weapon in a square
box, wrapped in brown paper.

Once again, suspect is
carrying a murder weapon in

a square package...
- Oh no. Shit!

Oh shit!

8-ball, is the murder
weapon in this box?

Should I open it?

Shit.

If it is a murder weapon,

I'm gonna get my finger
prints all over it.

8-ball, I really need
an answer right now.

What should I do?

Damn you!

Yes or No questions.

Yes or no, OK come on Neal.

Think, be logical...

He called the cops.

So, whichever way
they're coming,

I've gotta go the opposite way.

Well, it's got to be
one way or the other.

Right 8-ball?

I mean, I got two choices here,

so it's got to be one
or the other, right?

Take it to the bank.

Sorry Dad.

No, there is another choice.

- Sheriffs and police
in two counties have closed up

Interstate 60 in both directions

with the intent of
boxing in the suspect,

who was last seen driving
red BMW convertible,

with white paint splattered
on the trunk lid.

- I knew this wasn't
my kind of car.

What were the chances?

What were the chances,

that the killer would be
in a car, just like mine,

and I get white paint
on mine, just like his?

Now Grant would say,
it was inevitable.

That at least once in
a infinite universe,

events would happen that way,

and this was that time.

But Grant also said,
on this highway,

the past and the future,

and what ifs and maybes
can all get jumbled up.

So, I had to see for myself.

- Hey, get
away from there!

- Who was he?

- They say he was some law
student from St. Louis.

Went nuts, and
killed his old man.

- I love this highway.

8-ball, I've got a
lot of questions.

Was that guy in the car...

What the hell I'm
asking you for?

Hello?

Robin Fields?

Is anybody here?

- I'm here.

- Ray?

Delivery is for you?
- No, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hire you, to
deliver a package to myself.

It's for my cousin.

Here he is now.

- Robin Fields.

One of my many synonyms.

- Cousins?

You sat in my car,
with your own package.

Why didn't you take it?
- Well, you made a deal.

Now what kind of guy would
I be if I caused you to

violate your blood oath?

And, besides, it's the fact
that you lost all your money,

and you went to jail,
you left your girl,

ditched your car, all,
to bring this to me?

Makes it far more valuable.

Now it has stories
to go with it.

Well, don't you wanna
know what's inside?

- I did before, but...

It doesn't really
matter now, 'cause,

whatever it is, won't be
as good as the stories.

- Well seeing as
you understand that,

I'll open it.

Yup!

- You're not gonna light it?

- I don't need to.

- So,
how's that new car?

Awesome?

- Dad?
- Huh?

- What's my favorite color?

- Blue.

- Why would you buy
me a red Beemer?

- Red's a great color,
especially for a convertible.

You know, my BMW has always
been a great source of

joy to me, so I just thought...

- Happy birthday, Dad.

In the future, if you
want to buy me a gift,

buy me something I want,
not something you want.

- Son, it's a gift.

And if you don't accept it,

I will take it as
a personal insult.

- Well, in that case we're even.

Because I consider the
gift itself an insult

to me and to who I am.

How would you like
it, if I bought you

an easel and a paint
box for your birthday?

- I never thought
of it that way.

Perhaps I could've given
it a little more thought.

- Thank you, Dad.

Apology accepted.

Now the Bradford thing,
I'm not going there.

'Cause I'm not
going to law school.

- But son--

- No buts, Dad.

This is your life, you
made it, it works for you.

I've gotta find something
that works for me.

I'm sorry if you don't approve,

but you can take
that to the bank.

- Well, I don't approve.

And it's time you face
the truth about your art.

It's mediocre, look--

- Neal, great news.

That piece you entered in
the Conrad Competition,

there's a very interested buyer,

who wants to talk to
you about it right now.

Come on, I'll take you.

- No Dad, that thing...

It's crap.

You got ripped off.

And it's upside down.

I must be getting Alzheimer's.

I don't remember
entering anything into
Conrad Competition.

- You left it in the motel.

I took the liberty of
entering it for you.

- Thank you, Mister--

- Conrad, oh, you're
welcome mister Oliver.

- You're Neal Oliver?

I just love your painting.

Excuse my, I'm sorry,
I've just got this

major deja vu about you.

- No, no, no, it's
OK, I did too.

Big time.

I just love this.

It's got soul, passion...

- I'm--
- Lynn Linden.

Yeah, I know.

- I'm with Danver Publishing,

we do prints, posters,
and art books.

- Uhuh.

- Well, this may be a
little presumptuous of me,

but would you consider doing
a series of motels, cafes,

gas stations, all in this style?

- It's exactly what
I was thinking.

- My brother is really talented.

- Oh, he's gonna be fine.

Just fine.

He's got a great
future ahead of him.

They both do.

Say, you have a birthday
coming up, don't you?

- Well, how did you know that?

Don't forget to make the wish.