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1
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♪♪
2
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Class, meet our new student,
Snot Lonstein!
3
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Now, don't treat him any differently
4
00:00:08,316 --> 00:00:10,483
because he's Jewish and poor,
5
00:00:10,485 --> 00:00:13,887
or because his thirsty mom
gave me big skank vibes.
6
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Okay?
7
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Go sit down, honey.
8
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I'm also allergic to nuts.
9
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Well, lucky for you,
you clearly don't have any.
10
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I mean, the way
I'm just dunkin' on you up here.
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TEACHER: Everybody, take out pencils
12
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and practice your letters!
13
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Whoa, you can't even afford a penthil?
14
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My grandma has one.
15
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I'm supposed to get it when she dies.
16
00:00:40,115 --> 00:00:43,249
But I'm good...
Mine never runs out of ink.
17
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:46,119
Well, if it does,
I have bigger problems.
18
00:00:46,121 --> 00:00:47,420
You can have one of mine.
19
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- Thanks!
- I got you, pal.
20
00:00:49,024 --> 00:00:50,290
From here on out,
21
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it's gonna be you and me forever.
22
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Wow, that's a weird thing to say
to someone you've just met,
23
00:00:55,397 --> 00:00:57,797
but thanks again!
24
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♪♪
25
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Thanks.
26
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,435
I blew most of my tokens on Skee-ball.
27
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,270
And the rest were taken
from me at gunpoint
28
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,238
in the men's room.
29
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,372
I got you, pal.
30
00:01:06,374 --> 00:01:07,907
Hey, need any Steve Bucks?
31
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Check out the sick new re-design.
32
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Oh! You fixed that typo
33
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that said, "In Steve We Thrust."
34
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Yep!
35
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And, as always, you can trade these in
36
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for whatever you need from me...
food, cash,
37
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some of those Glade plug-ins
you like to pass off as cologne.
38
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Thanks.
39
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A little dab of "Hawaiian Breeze"
40
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behind my ear not only smells great,
41
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it's also the closest
I'll ever get to the Caribbean.
42
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Hey, want to kick my ass at Frogger?
43
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Can't.
44
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My mom asked me to pick up dinner,
45
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so I got to hit up Burrito Barn.
46
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If I throw up on the salad bar,
47
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they usually toss it
all in the dumpster.
48
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Then it's just me versus the crows.
49
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,815
Well, I don't want to step
on your dinner plans,
50
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:50,817
but why don't you guys
come eat at our house?
51
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Like in the basement? From a trough?
52
00:01:53,455 --> 00:01:55,622
No, at the kitchen table with us.
53
00:01:55,624 --> 00:01:58,258
Like the family on
the TV show Dinosaurs?
54
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No way!
55
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♪♪
56
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
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♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
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♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
59
00:02:14,276 --> 00:02:18,678
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
60
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
61
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- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
64
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♪♪
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I gotta say Francine,
your salad dressing is amazing.
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I can't stop eating it!
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I don't even care if it
goes straight to my ass!
68
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So sweet of you to say that.
69
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My mom makes everything from scratch.
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Come on, eat up!
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I'm actually pretty good, Steve.
72
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Right. A to-go plate.
73
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Hearts of palm, fruit leather...
74
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,648
How you doing on Easter
egg coloring kits?
75
00:02:55,650 --> 00:02:57,083
Steve, I don't think they need...
76
00:02:57,085 --> 00:02:58,551
STEVE: Mom, don't make this weird!
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They have nothing!
78
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(RUSTLING)
79
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So... Esther,
80
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Steve says Snot's birthday is coming up.
81
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Where da party at?
82
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Probably Pervert Park...
it's always empty.
83
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Except for the pervs. But it's free!
84
00:03:12,334 --> 00:03:15,601
Although, with the pervs
comes an emotional price.
85
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Nonsense. Have your party here.
86
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We have a pool, a barbecue,
almost no pervs.
87
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KLAUS: Almost!
88
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- Thanks, Steve.
- Please.
89
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You would do the same thing for me
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if the Salvation Army shoe
were on the other foot.
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- ♪♪
- _
92
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(SIGHING) Ahh! Orange Julius.
93
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Proof God loves us.
94
00:03:37,525 --> 00:03:38,858
Hey, Roger, where'd you get that?
95
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Secret menu, baby.
96
00:03:40,462 --> 00:03:44,964
Go to any Orange Julius
and ask for it "Julius Style,"
97
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and they'll just give you
a big bowl of chicken gizzards.
98
00:03:47,635 --> 00:03:49,602
Have you ever considered modeling?
99
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,571
- Every day.
- I think you all
100
00:03:51,573 --> 00:03:54,741
have what it takes to be models.
101
00:03:54,743 --> 00:03:57,043
Mall fashion show? What a joke.
102
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- (LAUGHTER)
- KLAUS: Oh, this is incredible.
103
00:03:58,246 --> 00:04:00,246
- This is so incredible
- Whoo!
104
00:04:00,248 --> 00:04:01,914
Jeff is excited!
105
00:04:01,916 --> 00:04:02,949
You guys are idiots.
106
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,250
Those are just flyers
107
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for a lame mall fashion show.
108
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I'm gonna be a super model.
109
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Aah! What the hell?!
110
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Is anyone else seeing this?
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♪♪
112
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♪♪
113
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- Aah!
- (GRUNTS)
114
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- (THUDS)
- (GROANING)
115
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(GRUNTING) There's no room!
116
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Th-There's no...
It doesn't work that way.
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(SPLASH)
118
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You almost killed me!
119
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Now slap this out of my hand.
120
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- Why?
- Models can't drink this stuff.
121
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We're gonna be on strict diets.
122
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Riiiight after this.
123
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(GULPS) Ahh.
124
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(BURPS)
125
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Now we're models.
126
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♪♪
127
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I just want to be a
single dad with a cush job
128
00:04:55,471 --> 00:04:56,870
selling live bait.
129
00:04:56,872 --> 00:04:58,839
What? Oh, sorry, Barry.
130
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,941
I just can't get over Snot's pants.
131
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- (GAME BEEPS)
- BARRY: They really showcase that poppin' apple bottom.
132
00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:07,114
No. How did he suddenly
afford new pants?
133
00:05:07,116 --> 00:05:09,049
I hope he's not camming again.
134
00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:10,884
Although, he is very good at it.
135
00:05:10,886 --> 00:05:13,654
SNOT: Ugh! You beat me again!
136
00:05:13,656 --> 00:05:15,456
Oh, game over, huh?
137
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Need some Steve Bucks?
138
00:05:16,692 --> 00:05:19,193
Nah, I'm good. But I am hungry.
139
00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:22,963
Let's get some pizza. On me.
140
00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:24,832
Snot never pays for pizza.
141
00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:26,533
Where is all this money coming from?
142
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Who cares? Just be happy for him.
143
00:05:28,971 --> 00:05:30,370
Oh, sure. Absolutely.
144
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No one's rooting for
that guy more than me.
145
00:05:32,508 --> 00:05:34,074
But what the hell?
146
00:05:34,076 --> 00:05:36,577
Could we maybe just
sit in silence, Steve?
147
00:05:36,579 --> 00:05:39,313
I have a ripping headache,
we're talking in circles,
148
00:05:39,315 --> 00:05:43,717
and I just really want to focus
on waiting for the pizza.
149
00:05:45,421 --> 00:05:47,754
Wow, two large Wallet Busters?
150
00:05:47,756 --> 00:05:49,523
And here are some tubs of our delicious
151
00:05:49,525 --> 00:05:50,991
new dipping sauce.
152
00:05:50,993 --> 00:05:52,526
I'm sorry, Mr. Snot.
153
00:05:52,528 --> 00:05:55,529
I'm a really big fan
of your mom's sauce.
154
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Would you mind giving me your autograph?
155
00:05:57,266 --> 00:05:58,432
Sure.
156
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Might as well get used to it.
157
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,836
(PEN SCRIBBLES)
158
00:06:02,838 --> 00:06:05,205
"Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce?"
159
00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:06,507
Yes!
160
00:06:06,509 --> 00:06:09,209
Finally, a big get for Carl!
161
00:06:09,211 --> 00:06:12,379
I quit, Danny!
I'll see your ass in hell!
162
00:06:12,381 --> 00:06:13,447
What's going on, Snot?
163
00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:15,516
Ugh, guys, can we please
164
00:06:15,518 --> 00:06:17,551
not make a big deal out of this?
165
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We're loaded!
166
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My mom started selling her own dressing,
167
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and Pizza Overlord is using it
168
00:06:23,526 --> 00:06:27,928
as their new dipping
sauce in every location!
169
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,419
_
170
00:06:30,566 --> 00:06:32,733
No, no, mine.
171
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Hmm.
172
00:06:37,573 --> 00:06:39,806
It's just like my mom's dressing.
173
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This is my mom's dressing!
174
00:06:42,244 --> 00:06:43,944
Yeah. It's my mom's take on it.
175
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,712
(LAUGHS) Okay.
176
00:06:45,714 --> 00:06:50,284
A-And I guess "Ice Ice Baby"
is just Vanilla Ice's take
177
00:06:50,286 --> 00:06:51,885
on Queen's "Under Pressure"?
178
00:06:51,887 --> 00:06:54,821
Yeah. My mom took something
and made it better,
179
00:06:54,823 --> 00:06:56,657
just like Vanilla Ice did.
180
00:06:56,659 --> 00:07:00,427
Well, Mr. A1A, Mr. Beachfront Avenue,
181
00:07:00,429 --> 00:07:03,897
this dressing your mom made is no
"brand-new invention."
182
00:07:03,899 --> 00:07:05,465
Yay!
183
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:09,102
Now work in the line
"grab a hold of me tightly."
184
00:07:09,104 --> 00:07:11,939
Look, all I know is,
things are going well for us,
185
00:07:11,941 --> 00:07:14,575
and I won't have to
mooch off of you anymore.
186
00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:17,945
In fact, you can have
all your Steve Bucks back!
187
00:07:17,947 --> 00:07:19,813
Oh, now you don't need me
188
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,249
because your mom stole
my mom's dressing?
189
00:07:22,251 --> 00:07:24,184
Ha! That's really great, Snot.
190
00:07:25,588 --> 00:07:29,323
So... logistically,
how do those Steve Bucks work?
191
00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:32,192
Do you give them back to him
in exchange for money?
192
00:07:32,194 --> 00:07:35,028
Couldn't he just give you
the money in the first place?
193
00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,964
You know what? It's not my business.
194
00:07:39,038 --> 00:07:40,413
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Listen up, fools!
195
00:07:40,441 --> 00:07:44,108
It's Taco Tuesday,
and Snot Lonstein is no longer
196
00:07:44,110 --> 00:07:45,943
the poorest person in school.
197
00:07:45,945 --> 00:07:48,212
Let's give it up for Mr. Ames,
198
00:07:48,214 --> 00:07:49,747
the math teacher.
199
00:07:49,749 --> 00:07:51,449
Don't you look at me, you bitch.
200
00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:54,686
One plus one equals... you poor.
201
00:07:54,688 --> 00:07:56,054
Where is Snot?
202
00:07:56,056 --> 00:07:58,189
Probably at home crying,
trying to write me
203
00:07:58,191 --> 00:07:59,624
an apology letter, feeling all...
204
00:07:59,626 --> 00:08:00,858
Whoa!
205
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:02,460
Jewish Jaden Smith!
206
00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:04,028
(HOVER-BOARD WHIRS)
207
00:08:04,030 --> 00:08:06,531
- I love your mom's sauce!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
208
00:08:06,533 --> 00:08:09,267
Oh, if it isn't the little sauce prince.
209
00:08:09,269 --> 00:08:11,569
Surprised you're not at home,
covered in sauce,
210
00:08:11,571 --> 00:08:12,804
making out with your mom.
211
00:08:12,806 --> 00:08:14,439
Oh, you're still hung up on that?
212
00:08:14,441 --> 00:08:16,374
Yeah, I'm still hung up on it.
213
00:08:16,376 --> 00:08:17,642
I'm also thinking about hanging up
214
00:08:17,644 --> 00:08:19,644
my birthday party planning apron.
215
00:08:19,646 --> 00:08:22,947
Oh, you thought I was still
having it at your house?
216
00:08:22,949 --> 00:08:24,315
No.
217
00:08:24,317 --> 00:08:26,551
We're recreating the Bellagio fountains
218
00:08:26,553 --> 00:08:29,387
on the rooftop of the Langley W. hotel.
219
00:08:29,389 --> 00:08:31,456
But what about our plan to use my house?
220
00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:34,459
How about the guests park on your lawn
221
00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:37,395
and the shuttle bus drivers
can shit in your bathroom.
222
00:08:37,397 --> 00:08:38,629
Does that work for you?
223
00:08:38,631 --> 00:08:40,565
Snotter, what's up, young bull?
224
00:08:40,567 --> 00:08:43,134
Is this little chicken head
giving you problems?
225
00:08:43,136 --> 00:08:44,836
Oh, hey, while I'm looking out for you,
226
00:08:44,838 --> 00:08:46,437
can I borrow your hover-board?
227
00:08:46,439 --> 00:08:48,840
Losing that gout battle today.
228
00:08:48,842 --> 00:08:50,808
Keep it. I got three more at home.
229
00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:53,444
Yo-ho! Check me out, skanks!
230
00:08:53,446 --> 00:08:56,147
Lewis is ridin' dirty!
231
00:08:56,149 --> 00:08:58,516
(GRUNTS)
232
00:08:58,518 --> 00:09:02,019
(MUFFLED) I'm gonna go over here now.
233
00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:07,525
♪♪
234
00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:13,097
♪♪
235
00:09:13,099 --> 00:09:18,703
♪♪
236
00:09:18,705 --> 00:09:21,639
Okay, I'll say it. That was flawless.
237
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,875
I don't know how not to nail it.
238
00:09:23,877 --> 00:09:26,511
So easy to do things
when we're beautiful.
239
00:09:26,513 --> 00:09:28,780
If you guys are done
sucking each other off...
240
00:09:28,782 --> 00:09:30,815
which is, of course,
a huge part of modeling...
241
00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:33,785
I can tell you we're nowhere
near mall fashion show level.
242
00:09:33,787 --> 00:09:34,852
What do you know about it?
243
00:09:34,854 --> 00:09:36,521
I yank it to Vogue magazine
244
00:09:36,523 --> 00:09:38,489
every day... no days off!
245
00:09:38,491 --> 00:09:41,058
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
246
00:09:43,096 --> 00:09:45,363
Okay, we agree. You're the expert.
247
00:09:45,365 --> 00:09:48,699
(SIGHS) So, everyone,
great job barely eating.
248
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:51,335
I think we deserve a treat. Jeff?
249
00:09:51,337 --> 00:09:55,339
Snack wagon! Laxatives and cotton balls.
250
00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:56,674
(SCOFFS) I can't.
251
00:09:56,676 --> 00:09:58,176
I had two cotton balls today already.
252
00:09:58,178 --> 00:09:59,410
I'm disgusting.
253
00:09:59,412 --> 00:10:01,245
Roger, how do you eat everything
254
00:10:01,247 --> 00:10:02,513
and not gain any weight?
255
00:10:02,515 --> 00:10:05,716
Good genes, I guess. Hashtag blessed.
256
00:10:07,654 --> 00:10:10,855
(WHISPERED) Hashtag tapeworm.
257
00:10:10,857 --> 00:10:12,557
Focus!
258
00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:14,325
Sure, we're killing it in this attic,
259
00:10:14,327 --> 00:10:16,761
but we need to practice working a crowd
260
00:10:16,763 --> 00:10:18,329
before our big gig at the mall.
261
00:10:18,331 --> 00:10:21,065
They need to be discerning,
sophisticated...
262
00:10:21,067 --> 00:10:23,734
a crowd of taste-makers.
263
00:10:23,736 --> 00:10:26,904
The Chimdale Used Jet-Ski
Show is this weekend.
264
00:10:26,906 --> 00:10:28,239
That...
265
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:30,007
is what we are doing.
266
00:10:30,009 --> 00:10:31,442
♪♪
267
00:10:31,444 --> 00:10:34,412
♪ Who makes Mom Sauce? ♪
268
00:10:34,414 --> 00:10:37,448
I make Mom Sauce!
269
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:40,685
♪ Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce ♪
270
00:10:40,687 --> 00:10:43,054
♪ On vegetables and pizza crust ♪
271
00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:45,389
You'll love my mom's sauce.
272
00:10:45,391 --> 00:10:47,592
They do!
273
00:10:47,594 --> 00:10:50,027
Snot's Mom's Mom Sauce.
274
00:10:50,029 --> 00:10:51,729
That name sucks the big one!
275
00:10:51,731 --> 00:10:53,231
I think it's cute.
276
00:10:53,233 --> 00:10:56,767
Her mom name is Snot's Mom,
and as his mom,
277
00:10:56,769 --> 00:10:59,036
she's made this sauce for everyone.
278
00:10:59,038 --> 00:11:00,872
It's a mom-friendly sauce.
279
00:11:00,874 --> 00:11:02,974
Gah! They stole your recipe.
280
00:11:02,976 --> 00:11:04,442
Why aren't you more upset?
281
00:11:04,444 --> 00:11:07,278
Snot's mom didn't steal
anything from me.
282
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:10,314
My salad dressing recipe?
283
00:11:10,316 --> 00:11:13,284
Sure, Esther! Let me get my recipe book.
284
00:11:13,286 --> 00:11:15,953
Ai-del-de, de, da-da
285
00:11:15,955 --> 00:11:18,322
Found my recipe card. Ready?
286
00:11:18,324 --> 00:11:21,492
Partially hydrogenated oil...
287
00:11:22,687 --> 00:11:25,730
Of course I've never
made homemade dressing!
288
00:11:25,732 --> 00:11:27,431
Who has time for that?
289
00:11:27,433 --> 00:11:30,902
I put in a full eight
hours of HGTV a day.
290
00:11:30,904 --> 00:11:33,804
All this time,
our family dressing was just
291
00:11:33,806 --> 00:11:35,439
Newman's Own Ranch?
292
00:11:35,441 --> 00:11:37,508
But how... I-I-I don't...
293
00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:40,645
Just let it go, Steve.
It's not our recipe.
294
00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:42,813
The good news is, you have nothing to be
295
00:11:42,815 --> 00:11:44,181
mad at Snot about.
296
00:11:44,183 --> 00:11:46,017
- (MACHINE WHIRS)
- What the...
297
00:11:46,019 --> 00:11:48,119
My mom's homemade window pane!
298
00:11:48,121 --> 00:11:50,922
Yeaaah, about that.
299
00:11:53,593 --> 00:11:55,526
MUSIC BOX VOICE: Congratulations!
300
00:11:55,528 --> 00:12:00,331
You made the cut to Snot's
Bellagio bash at the W...
301
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:02,867
(SNIFFS) This isn't water at all.
302
00:12:02,869 --> 00:12:05,703
It's Glow by Jennifer Lopez.
303
00:12:05,705 --> 00:12:08,039
That's a nice touch.
304
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,270
- ♪♪
- _
305
00:12:13,012 --> 00:12:16,614
Remember, we are here
to learn how to work a crowd.
306
00:12:16,616 --> 00:12:19,350
So keep it tight, but also very loose.
307
00:12:19,352 --> 00:12:20,518
Go!
308
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:26,157
♪♪
309
00:12:26,159 --> 00:12:31,996
♪♪
310
00:12:31,998 --> 00:12:35,633
Now I know how scary
it is to be a record.
311
00:12:35,635 --> 00:12:37,668
I wonder...
312
00:12:38,446 --> 00:12:43,708
♪ My baby loves that
chicken noodle soup ♪
313
00:12:43,710 --> 00:12:45,977
♪ Waitin' in long lines ♪
314
00:12:45,979 --> 00:12:48,980
♪ For that newly
invented chicken soup ♪
315
00:12:48,982 --> 00:12:55,419
♪ Got to get that sweet,
sweet, sweet sugary soup ♪
316
00:12:55,421 --> 00:12:57,555
♪♪
317
00:12:57,557 --> 00:12:59,857
- (ENGINE REVS)
- (PEOPLE SCREAM)
318
00:12:59,859 --> 00:13:02,860
I'm modeling!
319
00:13:02,862 --> 00:13:06,597
♪♪
320
00:13:06,599 --> 00:13:07,865
(STOMACH GROWLS)
321
00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:09,767
(GROANS)
322
00:13:09,769 --> 00:13:11,869
Work it, Stan!
323
00:13:11,871 --> 00:13:14,271
Make us want to bang that thing!
324
00:13:14,273 --> 00:13:17,108
♪♪
325
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,909
Yes, yes!
326
00:13:18,911 --> 00:13:20,611
(ALL GASP)
327
00:13:20,613 --> 00:13:22,713
WOMAN: Sir, you can't bang that Sea-Doo!
328
00:13:22,715 --> 00:13:24,415
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
329
00:13:24,417 --> 00:13:28,185
♪♪
330
00:13:28,187 --> 00:13:31,522
Check it out!
I've got a hologram of Prince!
331
00:13:31,524 --> 00:13:34,859
♪ Tiny, little sexual guy ♪
332
00:13:34,861 --> 00:13:36,360
Uh!
333
00:13:36,362 --> 00:13:40,531
As you can see,
this party is pretty crunked.
334
00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:41,966
Steve!
335
00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:43,401
I'm glad you made it!
336
00:13:43,403 --> 00:13:45,236
Things were a little
weird the other day.
337
00:13:45,238 --> 00:13:46,737
I wasn't sure you were coming.
338
00:13:46,739 --> 00:13:48,806
(CHUCKLES) What? I wouldn't miss this.
339
00:13:48,808 --> 00:13:49,940
(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR)
340
00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:52,043
♪♪
341
00:13:52,045 --> 00:13:53,544
(PEOPLE SCREAM)
342
00:13:53,546 --> 00:13:54,745
What the hell?!
343
00:13:54,747 --> 00:13:56,781
(QUIETLY) Happy birthday.
344
00:13:56,783 --> 00:13:59,150
Nobody steals recipes from Paul Newman
345
00:13:59,152 --> 00:14:00,217
and gets away with it.
346
00:14:00,219 --> 00:14:01,752
What? Who are you?
347
00:14:01,754 --> 00:14:05,122
We're Newman's Own
Copyright Protection Unit.
348
00:14:05,124 --> 00:14:06,824
♪♪
349
00:14:06,826 --> 00:14:09,093
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
350
00:14:09,095 --> 00:14:11,462
Where are you taking my mom?!
351
00:14:11,464 --> 00:14:14,231
To Newman's Own Women's Own Prison.
352
00:14:14,233 --> 00:14:15,833
Oh, no! No, no, no.
353
00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:17,301
You... You can't take her!
354
00:14:17,303 --> 00:14:19,336
You're just supposed to take her money.
355
00:14:19,338 --> 00:14:20,838
Her son has no one else!
356
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,606
One step ahead of you.
357
00:14:22,608 --> 00:14:25,309
Child Protective Services?
Yeah, we got a pickup for you.
358
00:14:25,311 --> 00:14:27,244
No! Don't call them!
359
00:14:27,246 --> 00:14:29,313
♪♪
360
00:14:29,315 --> 00:14:30,781
(SOBBING) Mom!
361
00:14:30,783 --> 00:14:33,084
My Shmuley!
362
00:14:33,086 --> 00:14:36,287
Noooooo!
363
00:14:36,873 --> 00:14:39,957
Honey, are you the abandoned child?
364
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:42,026
I guess so.
365
00:14:42,028 --> 00:14:45,029
I haven't really had time to process it.
366
00:14:45,031 --> 00:14:47,431
We are Child Protective Services,
367
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:50,201
and you need to get on the ground!
368
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:53,003
(GAGS) Wait a minute.
369
00:14:53,005 --> 00:14:55,439
Are you Lindsay Lohan?
370
00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:57,842
That's right. Don't do drugs.
371
00:14:57,844 --> 00:15:00,711
(GAGGING)
372
00:15:00,713 --> 00:15:02,813
- ♪♪
- _
373
00:15:02,815 --> 00:15:04,849
(TIRES SCREECH)
374
00:15:04,851 --> 00:15:06,851
What were you thinking?!
375
00:15:06,853 --> 00:15:08,385
I didn't know this would happen.
376
00:15:08,387 --> 00:15:10,621
I just wanted things
to go back to normal,
377
00:15:10,623 --> 00:15:13,557
when Snot was poor,
and he looked at me like a god.
378
00:15:15,761 --> 00:15:20,397
Hmm. Not sure I like the
way he feels in my arms.
379
00:15:20,399 --> 00:15:23,467
Yeah, that's awkward as hell.
You're right, honey.
380
00:15:23,469 --> 00:15:25,136
We should do that wine cellar instead.
381
00:15:25,138 --> 00:15:26,637
STEVE: We'll give him a home.
382
00:15:26,639 --> 00:15:29,640
Steve! What are you doing here?
383
00:15:29,642 --> 00:15:31,909
I told you, it's you and me forever.
384
00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:34,578
Now come to Stevie!
385
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,013
Hmm.
386
00:15:36,015 --> 00:15:37,381
Let me just...
387
00:15:37,383 --> 00:15:39,850
Nope. Wow. You are sort of awkward.
388
00:15:39,852 --> 00:15:41,585
H-Have you had a scoliosis screening?
389
00:15:41,587 --> 00:15:44,155
Yep. Got it bad.
390
00:15:44,157 --> 00:15:46,924
First off,
thank you for choosing adoption.
391
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:48,425
Most couples,
392
00:15:48,427 --> 00:15:51,028
especially smoking-hot
ones like yourselves,
393
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:53,397
insist on having biological children.
394
00:15:53,399 --> 00:15:56,066
Um, we're not a couple. I'm a child.
395
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:58,903
You think that six could bag this dime?
396
00:15:58,905 --> 00:16:01,005
Steve Smith...
397
00:16:01,007 --> 00:16:03,007
(GASPS) What a coincidence.
398
00:16:03,009 --> 00:16:04,942
Says here you're the reason Snot's here
399
00:16:04,944 --> 00:16:06,744
- in the first place.
- What?
400
00:16:06,746 --> 00:16:09,747
Steve tipped off Newman's Own
about your mom's dressing.
401
00:16:09,749 --> 00:16:12,349
So they arrested her
and turned you over to us.
402
00:16:12,351 --> 00:16:13,951
I knew it.
403
00:16:13,953 --> 00:16:17,721
You couldn't stand seeing me
and my mom on top for once,
404
00:16:17,723 --> 00:16:21,625
so you made sure we lost
everything we ever had!
405
00:16:21,627 --> 00:16:24,361
That's not true!
A-And you still have me!
406
00:16:24,363 --> 00:16:26,297
You're dead to me.
407
00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:29,400
So... if you two aren't dating,
408
00:16:29,402 --> 00:16:31,202
does that mean you're single?
409
00:16:31,204 --> 00:16:33,637
Who are you asking?
410
00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:35,973
Whoever wants to answer.
411
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,232
♪♪
412
00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:42,934
I'm so sorry for everything,
Mrs. Lonstein.
413
00:16:42,936 --> 00:16:45,270
I'm sure Snot told you what happened.
414
00:16:45,272 --> 00:16:47,072
No. Is he okay?
415
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,241
I used my phone time to get on Loveline.
416
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:52,143
Dr. Drew has amazing advice
on dating prison guards.
417
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,246
He says, "Do it. Get some if you can."
418
00:16:54,248 --> 00:16:56,815
That's, uh... good advice.
419
00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:58,283
(SOBS)
420
00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,352
Are you okay?
421
00:17:01,112 --> 00:17:03,955
When I said I hadn't talked to Snot,
422
00:17:03,957 --> 00:17:06,358
that was a little bit of a fib.
423
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,592
Ya dead, suckah!
424
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:10,762
- (GRUNTS)
- Cover the camera!
425
00:17:10,764 --> 00:17:12,264
You separated this family!
426
00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:13,531
And I'm gonna do the same thing
427
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,467
to your body and your dick.
428
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:16,935
Aah! Aah, aah!
429
00:17:16,937 --> 00:17:18,036
- (SHIV CLATTERS)
- (GROANS)
430
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,871
I need another shiv.
431
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,641
Please, remember the oath
you took as a prison guard
432
00:17:22,643 --> 00:17:24,276
and protect my dick!
433
00:17:24,278 --> 00:17:26,711
You want this shiv,
it's gonna cost you two bottles.
434
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,647
(GLASS CLINKS)
435
00:17:28,649 --> 00:17:30,148
What the hell is that?
436
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,984
Mrs. Lonstein's toilet wine.
Everybody loves it.
437
00:17:32,986 --> 00:17:34,853
You make wine in a toilet?
438
00:17:34,855 --> 00:17:36,321
I do!
439
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:39,157
I also make dark
chocolate in my underwear.
440
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,959
That's just a gross joke.
441
00:17:40,961 --> 00:17:43,028
You got to laugh to stay sane in here.
442
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:45,730
By the way, the warden would
like a case of your toilet wine
443
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,065
for his son's christening.
444
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,234
Yeah? Then tell him
I want a sushi pizza.
445
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:51,803
You want a sushi pizza?
I can get you one.
446
00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:53,738
People will do anything
for my toilet wine.
447
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,473
Huge pass on the fish pizza,
448
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,810
but I have an idea how
to get you out of prison.
449
00:17:58,812 --> 00:18:00,245
(BOTTLE CLINKS)
450
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,913
(WOMAN GRUNTING)
451
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,015
(CLINK)
452
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:07,519
♪♪
453
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:11,189
♪♪
454
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:15,427
WOMAN:
Nobody steals my Lonstein's Toilet Wine.
455
00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:17,429
Lonstein's Toilet Wine.
456
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,698
It's okay to drink from the toilet.
457
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,166
NARRATOR:
Lonstein's Toilet Wine is a division
458
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,868
of Newman's Own Industries.
459
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:26,838
Isn't that your mom's fancy wine?
460
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,207
You must be so rich.
461
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,009
Actually, no.
462
00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:32,744
My mom had to give it
all to Newman's Own
463
00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:33,778
to get out of jail.
464
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,413
So you're not rich?
465
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:38,750
- Yeah, he is.
- Ooh!
466
00:18:38,752 --> 00:18:40,285
Is this real money?
467
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,120
Well, it's more
a currency of friendship.
468
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,955
You guys are chodes.
469
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,358
But just in case George
Soros follows through
470
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,693
on his scheme to destabilize the dollar.
471
00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:52,397
Soros, aye?
472
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:54,299
Have I been too generous with these?
473
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:57,635
I'm still mad at you, Steve.
474
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,471
But you are a hoot.
475
00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,740
I'm so sorry for everything I did.
476
00:19:01,742 --> 00:19:03,308
I was just scared of losing you.
477
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,709
Scared?
478
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,778
I thought you were jealous that,
for once,
479
00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:08,480
I had more money than you.
480
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,816
No! I thought I was gonna
lose your friendship.
481
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,386
See, I've always been your sugar daddy,
482
00:19:14,388 --> 00:19:16,254
and when you got your own sugar,
483
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:19,157
I was worried you wouldn't want
to hang out with daddy anymore.
484
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:22,761
That's crazy! You'll always be my daddy.
485
00:19:22,763 --> 00:19:24,763
I know everyone says this,
486
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:28,800
but kids really do talk
different these days.
487
00:19:28,802 --> 00:19:29,934
Friends?
488
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,236
Best friends.
489
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,838
Oh, look! It's nutless and lisp boy.
490
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,641
Were... Were you
our kindergarten teacher?
491
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,942
I don't know.
492
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,245
Is your mom still a skank?
493
00:19:40,247 --> 00:19:42,313
Enjoy your food.
494
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,249
(BOTH GROAN)
495
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:49,821
♪♪
496
00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:51,256
Okay.
497
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,158
It's all led up to this.
498
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,959
Everyone looks amazing.
499
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,996
And we got here by
making healthy choices.
500
00:19:57,998 --> 00:20:01,699
(WEAKLY) Whoo! Time to own the runway.
501
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,969
- (STOMACH GRUMBLES)
- Roger, are you okay?
502
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:07,372
Just a nervous tummy for the big show.
503
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:12,477
Let's do this, you beautiful bitches.
504
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,146
♪♪
505
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:18,483
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
506
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:19,951
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
507
00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:22,654
(THUD)
508
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,888
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
509
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,657
(WORM GROWLS)
510
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:28,893
- Ew!
- Ew!
511
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,831
- ♪ So shine bright ♪
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
512
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:35,333
♪ Tonight ♪
513
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:38,703
- ♪ You and I ♪
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)
514
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:42,373
- ♪ We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky ♪
- Work it, you slimy bitch.
515
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:46,911
♪ Eye to eye ♪
516
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,880
Ohh, baby.
517
00:20:48,882 --> 00:20:51,249
I see why you got the cover.
518
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,684
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
519
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,886
Klaus, are you in there
with a spank mag again?
520
00:20:54,888 --> 00:20:56,488
It's Vogue, you Neanderthal!
521
00:20:56,490 --> 00:20:58,356
(GROANS)
522
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,358
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
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