Original subtitles

Ooh!

So, what you have to do

is just lay back a little bit,

give the guys a chance,

and maybe you'll come out of it

in one piece.

In one piece.

I'm only gonna tell ya one more time:

You can sell drugs to fifth graders,

but don't snatch any kids

below the seventh grade.

Our white slavery clientele

likes girlsto have at least reached puberty.

What?

No!

Guns are for all ages.

No discrimination there.

Your goose is cooked?

Your goose is cooked?

My god. Who are you?

My god. Who are you?

Steele. Rod Steele.

Double-o-14.

Double-o-14.

I always knew this day would come.

I always knew this day would come.

The day when your drug-dealing,

white-slaving, child-killing stepfather

was put to sleep by the secret service?

No, that I would be sexually ravished

by the world's greatest secret agent.

Well, us secret agents

are always up for a challenge.

Why don't you get out of those wet clothes

and join me.

And join me.

Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

Aah.

Aah.

Unh.

Unh.

Where were we?

Where were we?

Unh.

Unh.

Unh.

Unh.

Oh.

Wah!

Wah!

Ohhh

ohhh

Hi-yah!

Hi-yah!

Steele, this is o.

I'm a little busy right now.

I don't care. We need you.

There's another assignment.

But I barely finished this one.

I'm not going to feel sorry for employed secret agent.

Do you have any idea how many people

we've let go this month?

Oh! What?

Oh! What? Oh!

What?

Ahh, that was wonderful.

I should do that more often.

What about

sorry, maybe next time, big boy.

Sorry, maybe next time, big boy.

And that's all I'm going to say.

Come right now.

Like it's that easy.

Like it's that easy.

Rod Steele is his name

And death is his game

He'll kill and he'll maim

With a laugh

With a laugh

And after a carafe

He'll kill your giraffe

He's steel through and through you will find

That he's lost his mind

That he's lost his mind

Rod Steele will not run

He's just too damn dumb

He'll stand up and fight

If he can

If he can

He's drunk as a skunk

A big, manly hunk

The clicker will conquer the world

The clicker will conquer the world

Rod Steele is a man

His own biggest fan

He likes love and death

But don't dare smell his breath

And his brain's in his gun

And he does it for fun

So protect your giraffe

From rod Steele

From rod Steele

Rod Steele

Rod Steele

Rod Steele

Rod Steele

Great fake facade, p.

Great fake facade, p.

You like it?

Ha! Unfortunately,

that's all the agency could afford.

That's all the agency could afford.

What happened?

Budget cuts left and right.

They've even cut our health insurance.

Oh, look here, Steele,

this agency really needs a good, old-fashioned,

save-the-world type of case.

I had no idea things were so bad.

Where's o, p?

They're not paying overtime anymore.

Here's the case history,

and o made this tape for you.

You can listen to it on the plane.

Where am I going?

Prague.

You're traveling by coach.

Coach?

Yes. Be grateful it's not by boat.

Now then, I've, uh,

designed a few gadgets for you

that may come in handy on this trip, eh?

Uh

tennis shoes.

What do they do?

They comfort your feet.

They come in very handy in case you have to run.

Now, don't look at me like that, Steele.

I told you. We've cut back to the bare essentials.

Now then,

there's a toothbrush,

an alarm clock

in case you oversleep, eh?

Oh, and a fountain pen

that shoots ink if you shake it up,

so please be careful.

So please be careful.

Well, what is it now?

I miss all the toys

the grenade pool balls,

the laser-cutting wedding ring,

the acid-laced postage stamp.

Oh, yes. Well, uh

this might cheer you up, eh?

What is it, a beeper?

No, no, no. I've been working on this on the side.

See, it's a compact

self-defense/ surveillance system.

See, the antennae will pick up conversations

at over 100 feet distance.

This dial on the front here

is a heat-sensitive dial.

It picks up body heat.

So, if you're creeping about at night,

you'll know if there's someone else out there, eh?

Now, the knob on the back drops a nerve gas pellet.

The knob on the side

shoots a dart from the antennae,

which causes instant paralysis

which lasts for up to 3 minutes.

You've outdone yourself, p.

Well, somebody has to help somebody

save the world, eh, rod?

There's nothing better than having a good p.

Yes

hmm. Well,

good-bye, double-o-14.

Good-bye, double-o-14.

Hop in, rod.

Pennyworth?

You're my driver?

Somebody has to drive the car back from the airport.

The agency stopped paying for parking.

The agency stopped paying for parking.

I'm surprised they kept you on staff.

Well, rod, I give great head.

Well, rod, I give great head.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I know.

I know.

I'd like a vodka Martini,

shaken, not stirred,

with a touch of lemon

and one green olive on a wooden toothpick,

preferably imported from somewhere in the orient.

I don't think our toothpicks

are from the orient.

All right.

Skip the olive and give me

the lemon on the side.

The lemon on the side.

Professor krantz?

I've been waiting for your call.

I've decided what to do with the clicker.

I'm taking it back home with me.

I'm dismantling it for scientific study.

This thing is just too dangerous

to be floating around the world.

Sex drives are so fragile.

I'll have you know I am great in bed.

I want to know.

Who's been saying otherwise?

Nobody, pennyworth.

It comes with experience.

When you've been with as many women as I have

you get to know types.

The nice girl type and the not-so-nice.

Oh, and I'm too nice

to engage in any wild sexual activity?

I don't know.

Be careful, rod.

I could surprise you one of these days.

I'm afraid I'm beyond the point of surprise,

my dear miss pennyworth.

It comes with the job.

Aah!

Aah!

Christ, I could've killed you.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

Bartender, bring me a towel immediately.

Bartender, bring me a towel immediately.

Not the type, huh?

I wish I was the type.

Show him a thing or two.

Show him a thing or two.

Dr. Krantz, I'll call you back.

Uh, bye.

Uh, bye.

Where's the towel?

Where's the towel?

Just one moment.

Just one moment.

What type would you say I am?

My type.

Good answer.

Good answer.

Drinks are on me.

Drinks are on me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's the spirit, pennyworth.

Practice makes perfect.

This is the final boarding call

for flight 007 to Prague.

Passengers for Prague,

please board now.

Well, I'll see you when I get back.

Well, I'll see you when I get back.

I'll show him practice.

I'll show him practice.

Forgot to leave my garage door opener at home.

Beverly Hills home.

I know. A garage door opener.

Come on.

Come on.

Attention, all airport security.

Another little boy

is stuck in the X-ray machine at gate 9.

Third one this week.

Personally, I think it has to do with genetics.

I hate those things.

With a name like Steele, you get used to it.

I see.

I see.

Unh.

Unh.

Flight 007 is now closed.

Flight 007 is now closed.

Flight 007 is now closed.

Sir, stop.

You can't go in there.

I'm sorry, sir.

You just can't go in there.

The plane has already left.

The plane has already left.

Excuse me.

The plane that just left

from gate 8,

where is it headed?

Uh, Prague.

Prague? Well, uh,

book me on the next flight to Prague.

Book me on the next flight to Prague.

Welcome back, Steele.

Now listen carefully.

Unfortunately, this tape doesn't self-destruct.

That stock's gotten way too expensive,

so if you could just erase this tape

and mail it back,

the agency would appreciate it.

Now, you are to keep a close watch on this woman,

miss tangerina.

No last name.

Don't let her appearance fool you.

She's nicknamed the sweet taste of death.

A powerful woman, Steele,

and like most powerful people,

they want to take over the world.

We're not sure how she plans to do it yet,

so that's where you come in.

Check out the redlight district

when you arrive in Prague.

Agent 0013

was sent in there undercover last week,

and we've already lost contact with her.

The safety of the world

lies in your hands again, Steele.

Please don't fuck it up.

Please don't fuck it up.

Good evening.

Are you in the mood for some company tonight?

No, just some companionship.

Yes. Well, a big, handsome man like you,

I know what you like.

Show me.

Show me.

Are you insane, woman?

Girls.

I like girls.

Beautiful girls.

Beautiful girls.

Well, it was worth a shot.

You should have come by a week ago

before that damn party.

What happened?

Miss tangerina held a gathering in cannes.

Hired my girls,

every single one.

And I don't know what happened at that party,

but it spoiled them.

They quit.

They're employed by tangerina now.

She put the entire redlight district

out of business.

Now I can only hire men,

and as you can see,

it's not going very well.

I believe the problem lies in the genes.

That tangerina bitch.

You know, she already has control

over the restaurants and the casinos

in monte Carlo.

Now she has the monopoly on sex.

What's a madam to do?

Die!

This is what happens to madams who talk too much.

This is what happens to madams who talk too much.

Time's up.

Time's up.

Well, thank goodness you were here.

You saved my life

with that alarm clock.

Just luckily had the right tool for the job.

Well, I would never have hired her

if I knew she was going to pull something like this.

She works for you?

Yes. I hired her last week,

but then she quit to work for tangerina,

like all the others.

Well, I'd like to talk to her.

Can I use one of your back rooms?

Of course.

And I'll give you half-price. $200.

But I just want to talk to the girl.

I already gave you

saved-my-life discount.

You drive a hard bargain.

You drive a hard bargain.

Mommy, one more hour, please

P comes through again.

P comes through again.

Where am I?

Nice to see you again, double-o-13.

And to see so much of you.

Rod, what are you doing here?

Stopping you from killing innocent people.

Would you care to explain what just happened back there

What did I do?

Before, during,

or after the gun-crazed shooting spree?

I don't know. Everything's a blur since I left tangerina's

Did tangerina send you here to kill madam Greta

or did you just really hate

the interior design of this place?

I don't know. I don't remember

Cheap paper curtains,

tacky pictures on the wall,

ugly velveteen couch.

Quiet.

Pretend you're brainwashed.

Rod, I think I was brain washed.

Rod, I think I was brain washed.

You've talked enough.

It's my turn.

How dare you try to kill me.

I should have called the police a long time ago.

I'm sorry. I had no control over what I was doing.

It was like an unstoppable force going through my system.

Mexican food.

Mexican food.

I make deal.

You take my next client,

and I won't go to police.

I good. Deal.

Be nice. He's very rich.

He works in the casinos in monte Carlo.

I get him.

What am I gonna do?

When in Rome.

We're not in Rome. We're in a sleazy brothel.

Look, you've called too much attention to us as it is.

Try to get some information out of this guy

about the casino.

Meanwhile, I'll be outside listening

just in case things get out of hand.

I knew I should've never taken this cover.

I make a terrible whore.

Oh, but you make a fantastic whore.

I could go whore hunting for weeks

and never find anyone as good as you.

Those other sluts pale in comparison.

Believe me, bell,

you are the absolute number one whore in my book.

Feel better?

Unh.

Ooh. Unh.

Ooh. Unh.

Yeah. A rough one.

Good.

You're a lucky man.

You're a lucky man.

Good evening, fraulein.

Good evening, fraulein.

Hello.

Nice to make your acquaintance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um, I, uh,

hear you work at the casino tangerina towers.

It's the happiest place on earth.

I thought that was Wally world.

That depends on your definition of happiness.

That depends on your definition of happiness.

Um, look, I have to tell you,

i-I'm a little new at this.

Oh, that's ok. I do this all the time.

Oh, that's ok. I do this all the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah. Come on.

Hit me like you mean it.

That I can do.

That I can do.

Unh.

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

You are good at this.

It's this feeling

I feel

I feel

oh.

What is it you feel?

oh, I feel like taking

this sex drive for a spin.

Yeah.

Do it to me,

you gorgeous German jackhammer.

You gorgeous German jackhammer.

Tell me

tell you

when does tangerina go to her casino?

Oh. Yeah.

Tell me.

Ooh.

Tell me.

Aah. 10:00.

On Fridays.

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Way to go, double-o-13.

Did you pay madam Greta to listen?

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

We go see madam Greta now.

Yes.

Yes.

I warn you,

I know how to use this.

I know how to use this.

Fuck you.

Unh.

Unh.

Eat this, you Swedish meatball.

Eat this, you Swedish meatball.

Thank you, my dear.

I owe you one.

I owe you one.

Bell, what are you doing?!

What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm pumping answers out of him.

Among other things.

Come on,

let's check into a hotel.

Let's check into a hotel.

Uh, what's our cover going to be?

Definitely a honeymoon couple.

Ok.

Ok.

Pussy l'amour reporting in, mistress.

Yes, my little pussy. What do you want?

Well, worshipper bell has failed in her mission

to kill madam Greta.

Did she talk?

We think so.

There was an American there asking questions.

Bell left with him.

His name was Steele. Rod Steele.

Yes, Mr. Steele.

Secret agent double-0-14. I know his work.

Find him and kill him.

Any method I choose?

Sure. Why not?

Oh, but bring back a full container of him.

He would make a wonderful addition

to my collection.

Do I have to be the one

to collect his specimen?

No. Take areola and Fanny,

and maybe dick'll come in handy.

I don't need any dick.

Don't fail me, pussy.

Stretch does not like failures.

Stretch does not like failures.

Yes, it's Fez.

I've just landed in Prague.

I don't know.

His name is Steele.

Probably just another businessman on a company trip

Don't worry.

I'll locate him and get back the clicker.

He seemed like a nice guy.

I'm sure I won't have any major problems.

These suits are all the same.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

I know we're posing as a couple of honeymooners,

but did you have to be so explicit

about my sexual taste to the desk clerk?

I'm sorry. I was on a roll.

Now, tell me everything you can remember,

from the beginning.

Ok. I came here to investigate

the disappearance of some of the girls from the brothel

so I landed a job with madam Greta,

and that's when I heard about tangerina.

I went up to her mansion in cannes

with a few of the other women.

We werewe were led into a dark room,

and the next thing I remember,

I was waking up back in the brothels with you

Sounds like I should get invited

to one of tangerina's next parties.

To find out how she's brainwashing people.

What? Oh, yes. That, too.

Well, Fritz told me that tangerina usually shows up

at her monte Carlo casino around 10:00 P.M.

Well, then it's off to monte Carlo.

You'd better wash up.

I'm gonna call headquarters.

I just can't figure out why this thing doesn't work.

P's never let me down before

P's never let me down before. Yes, I'd like to make a call to the states, please.

Oh, just one moment. I have it here.

Oh, just one moment. I have it here.

Ah. Yes, it's 1-900-protect.

How much per minute?!

Yes. Put it on my tab.

The name is Steele. Rod Steele.

Ya, Mr. Steele,

please wait a few minutes

while I connect your call.

While I connect your call.

Zis is informant sechzig neun

I have located agent Steele.

He is in the hotel schlitz.

Ze honeymoon suite.

Of course I will stay on ze line.

What city, please?

All of his secrets vil soon be ours.

All of his secrets vil soon be ours.

Thank you, my mistress.

Just a few more minutes, Mr. Steele.

Your call is going through.

Steele, can you get me some more shampoo?

I'm all out in here.

Of course, my love.

Of course, my love.

Spell that?

Oh.

Oh.

That is not even a city.

That is not even a city.

Yes, you are welcome.

Ooh. Ooh. Oh

ooh. Ooh. Oh

just hold, please.

14, hold.

14, hold.

I'm sorry. Could you please hold the line?

What are you doing?!

You're on duty.

No sex calls during working hours.

It's not a sex call.

Oh, that's better.

Oh, much better. Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Operator. May I help you?

Operator. May I help you?

Oh, my goodness.

Ok. Good afternoon. What city?

Ok. Good afternoon. What city?

No, no. That's just a little static.

No, no. That's just a little static.

What sex I mean city, sir.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

This is no, no, no, no, no.

This is no, no, no, no, no.

Hello?

Hold on. Yes.

Ya? Hello?

Hello? What do you want?

Excuse me, how are we supposed to get any work done

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Sure you don't want me to help you scrub your back?

Rod, you can scrub my back

when your rod really turns to steel, Steele.

When your rod really turns to steel, Steele.

Qui?n es?

Hi. You have reached India.

Chelsea?

Chelsea?

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow!

Hello? Has my call come through yet?

No, it hasn't, but I will.

Talk dirty to me.

Come on, baby.

Tell me how much you wanna suck

my hard, swollen nipples.

Tell me what a big, hard cock you have.

That's nice of you to say.

Yeah? Well, how 'bout this?

Now I'm fantasizing of you pumping hard inside me.

Oh, my hot thigh is pressed against your ears.

That's what I call call waiting.

Uh, is this a new service?

Beats the hell out of muzak.

Beats the hell out of muzak.

Aah!

What are you doing?! Aah! Oh

what are you doing?! Aah! Oh

Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I hope you're almost finished in there.

I think I'm going to need a cold shower myself.

I think I'm going to need a cold shower myself.

I'm sorry. You'll have to connect my call another time

Woman, over phone: Oh, yes! Ooh. Ooh.

So enthusiastic.

So enthusiastic.

Who is it?

Maid service.

Maid service.

I'm areola.

We've come to turn down your bed.

And I was hoping you'd come to accept.

Well, come in. Come in.

Would you like me to show you how to unlock your bar?

Please.

Please.

It's very simple, really.

You insert and turn

until you hear a gentle pop.

It's amazing how many activities

follow the same rule.

Follow the same rule.

Uhh. Unh!

Uhh. Unh!

Aah!

Would you like to get something off your chest?

Would you like to get something off your chest?

Aah!

Aah!

What's that?

My pen.

What's it do?

Come any closer and you'll find out.

Steele, there's no lather in the shampoo.

Steele, there's no lather in the shampoo.

Who are you?

They call me pussy l'amour.

Is that true?

Throw me a fish and see.

Hold him.

Hold him.

What are you planning to do?

Giving you a little sperm test.

I'm not into electronic toys.

You will be.

First you'll come,

then you'll go.

I get your point.

Now it's your turn.

Now it's your turn.

Finally, something that works. Finally, something that works

It's supposed to last 3 minutes.

It's supposed to last 3 minutes.

Oh! Ooh.

Kill him!

Mmm. Eat me.

Mmm. Eat me.

Kill him!

Ooh. Eat me.

Ooh.

Ooh.

P didn't tell me about this function.

P didn't tell me about this function.

Ooh. Oh

ooh. Oh

Ooh. Oh.

Ooh. Oh.

What is this?!

What is this?!

Who said you could order in entertainment?

I didn't order this.

They came to beat me up and take my sperm.

You disgust me.

I'll be waiting in the car.

No, no, no. Wait.

You don't understand.

Just

just

lock up when you leave.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Bell, I can explain.

Ok. Hotel schlitz, Dr. Fez.

Bell, would you look at me

when I'm talking to you?

When I'm talking to you?

Tangerina's not going to be happy with our failure.

Yes? Come in.

Yes? Come in.

Oh, i-I'm sorry.

Uh, I'm looking for Mr. Steele.

Are you a friend of his?

Well, more of an acquaintance, actually.

You see, he gave me this

this box by mistake.

Aah!

Aah!

Consolation prize.

Consolation prize.

You don't understand.

P's box is malfunctioning.

It's malfunctioning beautifully, mind you,

but it's still

I don't want to hear your sordid sex life.

I don't want to hear your sordid sex life.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Thank you, my good man.

That bastard stole my drink!

G-G-Givegive me

now, what'd you say her favorite game was?

7-card stud.

7-card stud it is.

Are you any good at 7-card stud, rod?

Bell, you're in the presence

of a card player extraordinaire

with superhuman skill and knowledge

when it comes to games involving hearts,

diamonds, spades,

and those black, clover-shaped symbols

with the rounded edges.

Ok.

You owe me 4.50!

You owe me 4.50!

Right.

Don't show your cards, sweetheart.

Relax, darling.

We're on vacation.

Stop. Will you pay attention, please?

Oh, don't be so strange.

You're always so stingy.

It's my money.

No, it's my money.

How is it your money?

Because it's my money, honey.

Oh, come on. Let's vacation.

Let's have fun. Excuse me.

Yes, yes, yes!

Excuse me. Can you tell me when a table

will open up?

Can't really say, sir.

Sometimes these people play all night.

Thank you.

Steele stuck on standby.

Miss tangerina, it's dick.

Miss tangerina, it's dick.

What is it, dick?

Steele's here.

Table 8.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

I'll be out in a minute.

I'll be out in a minute.

I can sense 2 openings

right straight ahead.

Watch.

Watch.

Uhh!

Your bet, ma'am.

Oh. Oh!

Oh. Oh!

That is too rich for me.

Yeah, I'm out. I'm out.

That's it. You win.

Roger

please collect the chips.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh! Oh, Roger!

Uh, Megan. Megan. Megan.

Excuexcuse me.

I'll join you.

Oh!

What about your chips?

Can I have them?

Uh, yeah. Keep 'em.

Megan!

Megan!

Lovely place.

Free chips. Friendly people.

What more could one ask for?

What more could one ask for?

I didn't know you played this game,

Mr. Steele.

Have we met?

I'm miss tangerina, and this is my place.

It's an honor to met you, miss tangerina.

I've heard so much about you,

but it can't compare to seeing you in the flesh.

Please, don't get up.

I'm still wet.

Of course you are.

You're sitting at my favorite table.

Care to play a round with me?

I'd love to play around with you.

I'd love to play around with you.

I guess that's our cue to leave.

I suppose so.

Ok.

Ok.

I hope you like your stakes high, Mr. Steele.

High, hot, and medium-rare, I always say.

High, hot, and medium-rare, I always say.

All right, then, 7-card stud.

All right, then, 7-card stud.

First one up.

3.

3.

Ace.

Ace.

10.

Queen.

Queen.

5.

King.

King.

Possible straight, ace high.

10 high.

Just lucky, I guess.

Nothing up my sleeves.

Nothing up my sleeves.

Thank god I've got something up mine.

Why don't you fold?

Steele never folds.

It does under extreme pressure.

All right, then. Last card.

All right, then. Last card.

Unh!

Mmmph! Hmmmm!

Mmmph! Hmmmm!

Deal the cards, moron!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Damn. I guess we'll have to consider this game a misdeal.

You're fired. Get out.

Yes, ma'am. Mm.

Yes, ma'am. Mm.

I take it the pot stays in and we deal another round.

Absolutely, Mr. Steele.

And since this is my establishment,

I'm sure you won't mind that I deal this round.

Be my guest.

Be my guest.

It's my turn to have some

fun.

Fun.

Ohh

ohh

next card?

Next card?

Get down.

What? On the floor now!

What? On the floor now!

Oh. Uhh

ahh.

Ahh.

Now, where were we?

Now, where were we?

Whatdouhhyou..

Uhhhaveoh

uhhhaveoh

Mr. Steele? Oh! Oh!

Mr. Steele? Oh! Oh!

Full house.

Full house.

You play a good game, Mr. Steele.

You play a good game, Mr. Steele.

So do you, miss tangerina.

Maybe you'd like to stop by

my humble abode tomorrow night in cannes.

I'm having a little party.

We could have a rematch.

We'd love to.

Well, honey, we really ought to go.

I have to pick up my dress

back at the hotel room.

Back in Prague?

It better be one hell of a dress.

Until tomorrow.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Are you sure it's a good idea

inviting Steele over?

Steele must die.

What better time and place?

Stage 2 of my plan begins tomorrow night,

and nobody not even Steele

can stop it.

As we speak,

my worshippers are collecting the final specimens

for stage one.

In fact, the prince of Denmark

is about ready to grace our presence.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wait'll I tell the Dukes back home

about this.

About this.

I'm almost there.

I'm almost there.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, you're the best.

The best.

The best.

Oh, ya. Oh.

Thanks, Fritz,

but I can't take all the credit.

If you're there, then who

you mean what.

What the fuck?!

Oh, my god! Oh!

You've heard of the tax collector?

Well, meet the sperm collector.

Get it off me.

Get it off! Oh!

Why? Doesn't it feel good?

Oh, yeah. Too good.

Ohoh, my god.

Oh. I can't hold back.

That's the whole idea.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

It'sit's not stopping.

It'sit's not stopping.

And neither are you, right?

Told you they'd be gone by now.

Told you they'd be gone by now.

I can't believe p gave you this.

All he gave me was a stupid blow-up doll.

What did it do?

It blew up, literally.

You know, with gadgets like this,

I could've solved this case single-handedly.

They just don't trust me at the agency.

They think I'm unlucky.

What makes you say that, double-0-13?

What makes you say that, double-0-13?

Oh. Oh!

Who is this guy?

I don't know,

but he looks strangely familiar.

They took it.

I tried to get it back,

but they knocked me out,

and they took it.

Took what?

Our clickers.

We got 'em mixed up at the airport.

We got 'em mixed up at the airport.

I got yours, and you got

oh, give it to me.

Of course.

P could never come up

with something that good

on his own budget.

That's quite a little device you have there.

Oh, no. You used it?

Only in dire situations.

You've gotta give it back.

You have to hand it back.

It's not safe in the public's hands.

Oh, I agree with you there.

Luckily, we're not public.

Double-0-13 and I

are with the secret service.

Hmm? That's even worse.

Maybe so, but we need your box

for one more night.

The fate of the world depends on it.

That's what they all say.

Look, buddy, we got a power-hungry,

world-controlling bitch out there.

We need all the help we can get.

We're going to destroy her

and her operation tomorrow night.

After that, the box is all yours.

After that, the box is all yours.

Oh. I guess I have no choice.

Um, but if you're gonna save the world,

ii should show you all of its functions and operations.

You mean it does more than just sexually

turn people on?

Oh, yes.

Yes, a lot more.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

I warned you what would happen to you

if you failed me.

What is wrong with everyone?

First my telephone informer winds up

getting busted for indecent exposure.

Now you.

Please. I promise to succeed next time.

It was that damn box.

The box?! I want Steele, not his box!

The box?! I want Steele, not his box!

A lesson must be taught.

A lesson must be taught.

Stretch

feeding time.

No. Please.

No. Please.

I've always been your most loyal servant.

You don't want to waste me

on a poisonous snake.

Poisonous snake!

I'll have you know stretch was de-fanged

a long time ago.

Not poisonous?

Not poisonous?

Then what's he going to

then what's he going to

ooh!

I taught him everything he knows.

Snakes have such wonderful tongues.

Don't you agree?

Oh, god.

What is he doing to me?

I never

oh, I've neveroh!

Oh, I've neveroh!

Butbut I thought you were going to punish me.

Stretch can go on like that for days.

Can you?

Can you?

Miss tangerina,

your guests are arriving.

Oops. Gotta go.

Stage 2 of my plan begins.

Oh, by the way,

2 days is as long as anyone's lasted.

Now, pussy, I'm counting on you

to break that record.

To break that record.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Oh, stretch.

Oh, stretch!

Oh, stretch!

Oh, stretch!

How do I look?

Like a slut.

Quit fooling around.

Quit fooling around.

Amazing device, doctor.

You ever considered government work?

Hmm. I've been to Washington.

Doesn't suit me.

So the back button can transform a person,

the front knob is a stimulator,

and what's the side one do again?

Controls the point of the radius.

So what would happen if I set the side one for narrow

and hit the back button?

It transforms a body part.

Which body part?

Whatever body part you're aiming at.

Whatever body part you're aiming at.

Mmm.

Mmm.

What is it?

Oh. Nothing, nothing.

Um, I think we're almost there.

Keep an eye open for p's box.

We may need it later.

We may need it later.

Welcome, everyone.

It's time to show you the reason I've called you all here.

Get readyoh to experience

tangerina's magical light show!

I remember something about a light display

last time I was here.

What do you remember after that?

Nothing.

Not a good sign.

Something tells me we should slip away for the moment.

First I have an idea.

Fez?

I'll need your help.

Stand back

and enjoy.

That's it, my little slaves.

Follow the bouncing lights.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Stage 2 begins.

Start escorting the gentlemen into the lab

and the ladies into the study.

And the ladies into the study.

Well, well, well, Mr. Steele.

I thought you would put up more of a fight than that.

I thought you would put up more of a fight than that.

Turn around.

Turn around.

Bend over.

Bend over.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

At last, I've got the great Mr. Steele under my control!

Now nobody can stop me.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, you're kind of cute for a brainwashed Duke.

Oh, you're kind of cute for a brainwashed Duke.

You're not supposed to do that.

Mistress, there's something wrong.

What are you talking a

what are you talking a

Well, fuck me.

Oh, no. No!

Oh, no. No!

Enjoy the show. Ha!

Oh! Oh! Stop!

Oh! Oh! Stop!

So

you have one, too.

That's right.

And if you turn me on, and I turn you on,

we'll just start behaving like the others back there.

We'll just start behaving like the others back there.

So what do you propose?

I propose

that I stall just long enough

for someone to sneak up behind you

and knock you unconscious.

Ha!

Whew.

Whew.

Stunning.

Did I come in handy?

What happened to you back there?

I thought you were brainwashed like the others.

Well, it helps when there's more than one rod Steele.

I don't get it.

I'll explain later.

Now it's time to destroy tangerina's operation.

Well, didn't we just do that?

Did you see everything blow up yet?

No.

Then we're not done. Come on.

I discovered this during the light show.

Let me guess.

A revolving bookcase

that leads to tangerina's secret lab.

No.the art of sensual massage.

You should give it a read.

You should give it a read.

Well.

Well.

What is it?

I don't know.

Let's have a look.

Let's have a look.

Help.

Help me.

Please help.

Please help.

I'm sorry.

I'm not into threesomes.

It won't stop.

Ohh.

I've had over 40 orgasms.

Stretch is killing me.

Ohh.

41.

But what a way to go.

If you answer my questions, I'll help you.

Oh, yes.

Was that yes of passion

or yes, I'll answer?

Yes.

Maybe I should rephrase this.

Yes, I'll answer, I'll answer.

Yes, I'll answer, I'll answer.

Relax. I know what I'm doing.

Relax. I know what I'm doing.

What is this place?

Tangerina's lab,

where she plans to take over the world.

By mating women with snakes?

It's a rather old concept, don't you think?

The special ingredients are over there.

The special ingredients are over there.

My god.

There's enough semen here to man a fleet!

And that's only the beginning, Mr. Steele.

And that's only the beginning, Mr. Steele.

Step away from there.

Drop the box.

Drop the box.

What are you doing?

Timing 3 minutes.

What for?

The paralyzer dart wears off.

Oh, stop your whispering.

Oh, stop your whispering.

Finally, I have your magic box.

Finally, I have your magic box.

But which one is it?

Ahh.

Excellent.

Turn it off!

Please turn it off!

No! Leave it on.

I like seeing double-0-13 like this.

Sure. Why not?

Unlock pussy. We'll be needing that table.

Unlock pussy. We'll be needing that table.

I got another pussy you could unlock.

I got another pussy you could unlock.

Party pooper!

Party pooper!

I bet you're just dying to hear all about

how I'm going to take over the world.

Not really. It's obvious.

You bring the prostitutes here,

you brainwash them, then you send them out

to have sex with the most powerful men in the world

and collect their sperm.

Very good, Mr. Steele,

and what do I plan on doing with all that sperm?

Rub it on your skin.

Keep yourself fresh and moist all day long.

You're not even close.

You're not even close.

Watch.

Watch.

This is a specimen

I got from Switzerland late last night.

It's the sperm of prince Dean.

It's the sperm of prince Dean.

Meet prince Dean's perfect clone!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

There's enough genes in every man's sperm

to create a precise duplicate.

So you're going to clone the world.

That was my second guess.

Yeah, right.

Not the world, Mr. Steele.

Only its leaders.

Everyone up there tonight are going to be

my first swapped subjects.

Politicians, diplomats, kings, princes,

even presidents are going to fall under my control,

and they will all be my very own

personal first army of clones!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Are you sure they'll do your bidding?

Would you like a demonstration?

Would you like a demonstration?

Prince Dean,

go have sex with that woman.

Go have sex with that woman.

Oh, come to me, princy.

There.

There?

You told him to have sex with a beautiful woman.

You think anyone would have an objection to that command?

Oh, fine.

Would you like to see

what Arnold Schwarzenegger would do for me?

What Arnold Schwarzenegger would do for me?

What's that?

My reminder to stretch.

Oh, stretch! Not now! Oh, god!

Oh, stretch! Not now! Oh, god!

Yes, it's true.

I find you very attractive, Mr. Steele

but I must kill you now!

But I must kill you now!

Aah!

Aah!

No, no. Bad snake.

No, no. Bad snake.

Oh, Arnold!

Oh, Arnold!

Arnold, help me.

Arnold, help me.

You're finished, tangerina.

You're finished, tangerina.

I wouldn't be so sure of that, Mr. Steele.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Pussy?

Call me Mr. Pussy.

Kill Steele!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Use the box! Use the box!

Use the box! Use the box!

Stay where you are.

Stay where you are.

I will crush you against my heaving muscles.

Well, we all have to go sometime.

Well, we all have to go sometime.

Wait.

Wait.

I want something, Mr. Steele,

to remember you by.

Your clone.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Get his sperm.

Get his sperm.

Oh, Steele,

I didn't want it to end this way.

Never fear, bell.

They're in for a surprise.

They're in for a surprise.

Uhmistress, ii can't

it will not fit.

What?

My sucker fits every normal

my sucker fits every normal

oh.that'snot normal.

What?

How?

Just a little precaution I gave myself

in the limo on the way over.

In the limo on the way over.

Quick! Point it at me!

Quick! Point it at me!

You reallyarerod Steele.

You reallyarerod Steele.

Help me, you imbeciles!

Help me, you imbeciles!

Take this, you bitch!

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

Nono. Please

nono. Please

not anymore.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

I wonder what would happen if I

I wonder what would happen if I

What did you do?!

Well, it looks like I turned them on.

It's going to blow!

It's going to blow!

Oh, shit!

Cool.

Cool.

Hello.

Hello.

Dr. Fez?

Dr. Fez. Huh?

It's time to go.

Oh.

Oh.

Steady.

Steady.

Is theparty over?

You could say that.

The world's safe again.

Bell's in the car. Let's go.

Bell's in the car. Let's go.

Good-bye, my dear.

Good-bye, my dear.

I, uh, I just wanted to say thanks.

You were really good back there.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Where's the clicker?

I gave it back to Fez as I promised.

I gave it back to Fez as I promised.

Don't you ever take off that tuxedo?

Only in an emergency.

Only in an emergency.

Dial 9-1-1.

Dial 9-1-1.

What got into you?

Oh, I don't know.

I always get this way at the end of a case.

Lucky me.

Lucky us.

Well done, Steele, well done, bell.

Why, thank you, o.

Now, get your ass on a plane to Egypt.

We've got a mummy on the loose

and a curse that's getting out of control.

What else is new?

Same old regular assignments.

Can't you give me something exciting?

Well, there have been some rumors about

an invisible man roaming around Hollywood.

What will they think of next?

What will they think of next?

Rod Steele is his name

And love is his game

He'll wind up on top every time

He'll wind up on top every time

He likes guns and booze

And afterwards a snooze

Rod Steele is a man among men

Rod Steele is a man among men

Rod Steele is his name

And death is his game

He'll kill and he'll maim

With a laugh

With a laugh

And after a carafe

He'll kill your giraffe

He's steel through and through you will find

He's lost his mind