Original subtitles

- I don't know how Brother Kelvin does it.

My nerves are in knots right now.

- I can handle it if you want me to.

- No.

He gave the responsibility to me.

It's my duty to achieve.

Hiya.

I'll be today's leader for this ice cream and wiener party.

Also... and this is also Taryn,

if you need anything. - Hi.

- Where's Kelvin?

- Nothing bad has happened to him.

He's not dead.

He believes in me so much, he gave me

this opportunity to prove myself.

- You know, this is good,

because we've known Kelvin for years,

but we haven't had the pleasure

of getting to know you yet, Keefe.

- Keefe is a sick break dancer.

- Well, you've got their respect.

That's the most important thing.

- Most important thing.

- Hey, Blondie!

It is you! - Oh. Oh, no.

- I know you!

- Yeah, buddy. It's me, Clarence.

I own the Adult Emporium off the highway.

You cleaned me out a couple of days back...

Bought every last butt buzzer I had in stock.

- I know.

- You should stop by next week.

We just got some premium fuck dolls.

Take care, buddy!

- It's not what you think.

It's something we did with your kids.

Why don't... Why don't we all enjoy

some ice creams and wieners together?

- ♪ Praise ♪

♪ Praise ♪

- Thank you, sir.

Good afternoon.

Pleasure to be a part of this society.

- Who you plannin' to shoot?

- Ain't shootin' nobody.

I'm practicing some potential moves

from my swearing-in ceremony.

- Like choreography to music, or...

- No.

This is a very serious organization.

Cape and Pistol is the most elite

of ministers and pastors.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know, my daddy was a lot older than me

when they finally swore him in.

And yet here I am,

my time to shine finally, motherfuckers.

Nothing can stop me now.

- What the hell are you doing, dummy?

- Can anybody have any damn privacy around here?

- Pontius, can you take Makayla and go somewhere?

- Like where?

You said we weren't allowed in my room.

- You could go outside, enjoy some nature.

Nature sucks.

Shit's boring.

- You know, you got a really smart-ass mouth

for a little boy who didn't get accepted

into one single college.

How come none of them mouth smarts

are in your brain, dickhead?

Look, if you want to be a winner like your old man,

who's being inducted into a super exclusive organization,

you're going to college.

You can pick it or we will.

I bet you the boys at the Citadel

would split your ass

like a pair of damn Chinese chopsticks.

- You can pay for classes.

Don't mean I'll go.

- "Don't mean I'll go."

This little Pete Davidson act you got going on

does not suit you.

Tattoos and a dumb-ass haircut, it's not original.

You're not him.

- I'm not trying to be Pete Davidson.

- Well, good, because you're not.

Fuck my parents. Let's go.

- I do not like his girlfriend.

- No, she definitely seems like she's a bitch.

- Readin' about Hitler?

No, asshole.

John Adams.

One of the pleasures of retirement is

you don't have to work on a sermon on Sunday morning.

- You seen my boys?

They gonna be late for church.

Even if it is a TV show church.

- They left a couple hours ago.

- Well, where'd they go?

- Getting ready for church.

- ♪ When I get tired and a little lonely ♪

♪ The world's turned its cold back on me ♪

♪ When I'm about to swear ♪

♪ I ain't got a friend left to my name ♪

♪ Instead of sinking a little lower ♪

♪ I start making tracks on over ♪

♪ To a place where the sun shines day and night ♪

♪ And where I know I'll hear you say ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take your coat off ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, shake the blues off ♪

♪ I'm gonna love that frown away ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, put a smile on ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, tell me what's wrong ♪

♪ Come on in, the blues will be long gone ♪

♪ I'm gonna love your hurt away ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take your coat off, ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, shake the blues off ♪

♪ I'm gonna love that frown away ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take your coat off ♪

♪ Come on in, baby, take a load off ♪

♪ Come on in ♪

♪ Praise the Lord ♪

♪ His righteousness at hand ♪

♪ Holy war ♪

♪ The battle has begun ♪

♪ So praise the Lord ♪

♪ His righteous love has come ♪

- I know it.

- Y'all are crazy!

- Yeah, you're right.

- The haircuts are good.

But I don't love those suits.

What's that material?

- It's silk, Mama.

- I don't like how shiny it is.

- It's supposed to be shiny.

I think. - It is.

That's considered good.

- Good for a lady's negligee.

A little loud and proud for me, but that's fine.

- Damn, Aunt May-May.

You can't ever give it up.

Always talking that trash.

- I mean, their lives sure have improved since coming here.

- Karl's presenting like a straight up cunt-smasher now.

- Oh... - Ugh.

- Hi, everybody!

- Peter!

- You got no business here, Peter.

- I come in peace.

I'm here to apologize to my sons,

and that's it.

All right, I'll make this quick.

Boys, I'm sorry.

I apologize. I was wrong.

I accused you of bein' betrayers,

and now I know that it wasn't you.

- Who was it, Pa?

- Lucas.

- Fat-ass Lucas. - Mm-hmm.

- I believe it. - Hmm.

- And now I'd like you to come back home with me.

We got a brand-new place.

It's a beautiful old farm.

Like, real nice.

Tons of birds.

- They ain't going nowhere with you.

You go home to your tons of birds!

- I think the boys can speak for themselves.

Well?

- Papa...

we got a good thing going here.

The Gemstones have been like family.

- Because they gave you some fancy haircuts, hmm?

Some new clothes?

You think you look like... Like slick boys?

You look silly.

You look plain ridiculous!

- We ain't going, Pa.

Please leave.

- Yeah, read the room, dude.

- You're gonna read the back of my hand,

you sass me again, Judy!

- You're gonna get your ass shot

if you don't get the fuck out of here.

- Oh, who's gonna shoot me?

- I am.

- I was about to say the same fuckin' thing.

- Beat us to the draw.

- Y'all Gemstones are the rednecks.

Look at you.

Fine.

Old Gabriel is gonna blow his horn,

and when he does, a reckoning will come.

I think he might be blowing that horn

a little sooner than you think!

Honk!

- Happened so fast,

I didn't have time to shoot him.

Why'd he honk my nose?

- I assume he identified you

as the weakest person at this table.

- When did you guys get guns?

- "Keefe is creepy.

I'm not comfortable with him around kids"?

I told you, it's no good.

- This... this is bonkers.

What the fudge, Keefe?

You had one job.

It's your only responsibility.

What happened?

- I... I bumped into that fella

that I bought all the bullets and the dildos

and the butt buzzers and the plugs and stuff from

at the porno store,

and he outed me in front of the parents.

Did you explain that you bought all this stuff

on church business?

- I tried, but I just couldn't seem

to articulate how buying bunches of sex toys

was in the best interest of the church.

- Keefe! Okay.

If you are not capable of running

Parents and Teens United, are you really qualified

to be my assistant youth pastor?

- No.

- Hmm?

- Yes.

- This is not good, Keefe.

Speak of this no more.

This kind of talk makes my A-hole burn.

- I hate to think I'm responsible

for your A-hole burning, brother.

- ♪ It's like a sense of stability ♪

- Learn to paint while you drink fine wines?

You always know about the coolest activities,

Lollipop.

- Well, Beej, your wife is one of the cools.

- So cool.

Do you like my painting?

- Whoa. - Is that your caca?

- He's my childhood pet, Rags.

- Is Rags an explosive diarrhea that you named?

- He was my dog.

- Well, I never got the pleasure to meet Rags,

so that's probably why I don't recognize him.

It's just my gyno's office.

- Oh.

- They're just, like, texting me

about a routine holes-and-folds checkup.

- Another one?

They sent it twice.

Robots. Uhh.

So annoying. Don't send it twice.

I already got the appointment.

- Ew, somebody sent me a dick pic.

I better text this guy back,

let him know he's got the wrong recipient.

- No, BJ!

Just block it.

- Yeah, but some lucky gal's missin' out

on that glorious cock shot.

- BJ, that's a perv! Okay?

That's like a old-school dude in a raincoat

tryin' to flash people to get his rocks off.

Okay. There, it's blocked.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Jeez Louise.

What was that all about?

- I'm just trying to do a paint and sip class!

You know what I mean?

It was just, like, constant medical texts.

How can somebody have a good time with their husband?

Let's paint and sip.

- The cape shall embrace you like the arms of Jesus Christ.

You wear it in celebration of his love.

The pistol gives the power to take life.

The Lord gave us free will to do what we choose.

Thusly, it is a righteous man who wears the pistol,

yet does no evil.

Jesse Gemstone, under the eyes of God,

you are hereby inducted into the Cape and Pistol Society.

- Congrats, Jesse.

A made man.

- That's right, finally a part

of the Cape and motherfucking Pistol.

- Jesse, we don't talk like that in Cape and Pistol.

- Oh, y'all don't do cuss words?

- No.

My bad.

Thanks for keepin' me in the dark on that one, Daddy.

Anyway, it was a long ride,

but I knew eventually I would make it to the top.

Course you knew.

Isn't that some kind of a given for somebody like you?

- I'm sorry. How so?

- Well, maybe because you're Eli Gemstone's son.

Maybe that's got something to do with it.

- Nuh-uh.

I earned this on my own merits.

I run one of the largest churches

in the entire country, okay?

So stop trippin', buddy.

Tell him, Daddy.

- Of course you earned it.

Just settle down, Jesse.

- Oh, Dr. Gemstone's running defense.

I love it.

Just making an observation.

Whoo-whee, sucker!

- Don't you "whoo-whee, sucker" me.

I observe that you have appeared

to have gotten some sort of ass whuppin'.

- That's correct.

Didn't rob me or nothin'.

Just beat me.

- And the cops don't know who did it?

- No, they don't.

I just thank the Lord

that my sister and brother weren't around.

- I imagine it was just somebody

who was trying to teach you a lesson in particular.

You know, maybe somebody you crossed

or were very rude to or something.

I don't know.

- Well, I'm not so sure.

- I am.

I'm sure.

Mmm, this brie is the fucking tits.

- Excuse me!

- You're not supposed to cuss in Cape and Pistol.

- Yeah, no fucking duh, dude.

My daddy already told me.

- It's a tenet,

a level of respect we show each other.

- Show some respect, Jesse.

- Profanity in the chambers.

A white slap shall be issued.

- A white slap?

What the fuck is that?

- Hey! Jesse Gemstone!

Jesse! Look here!

Look.

Come on now.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Hey, what you think?

I... I made it in!

I heard you was being sworn in today.

Well, come on now.

Let me in. Hook me up.

- This is a secret society.

You can't just roll up in.

- It ain't too secret if I heard about it.

Look here now.

If you ain't gonna make "Bible Bonkers,"

maybe some of these other influential Christians will.

- None of the men of Cape and Pistol

are gonna give a fuck about "Bible Bonkers," okay?

- Boy, I watched you become a man,

but don't think I won't bend you over my knee

and turn that fat ass red now.

- Ooh, I'd love to see you turn this big fat ass red.

I'll give you 20 bucks. Try it. See what happens.

- I don't need $20 to kick your ass.

- See what happens, motherfucker.

- Let's go. Yeah, I'll show you right here.

- What you gonna do, you fucking old man?

Get the fuck off of there.

Get that fuckin'... - Go on back inside

your little fucking Mickey Mouse Club then.

Goddamn Harry Potter wannabes.

- No, we're not.

- You know what?

You so hell bent on running this church

the way your daddy did.

Only problem is, Jesse Gemstone,

you ain't your fuckin' Daddy.

- What did my Daddy have that made him so fucking special?

- Well, for starters,

he had a star by his side, your mama.

But you ain't got that.

What you got?

You got you and two not-really-stars.

- Actually, that is kind of the reality.

- Ain't no "kind of" about it, Jesse.

Now, you want to capture the magic,

you need your mama,

and I can give her to you now.

- What are you gonna do?

Dress up like her?

- Ain't nobody gonna put on no female clothes.

I'm talking about resurrection.

Bringing her back to life.

- Uncle Baby Billy, I don't know

what the fuck you're smoking, but I ain't buying it.

No one in our family trusts you.

I ain't about to start.

Thanks for coming by and giving me

congratulations on my inductsmans.

- Resurrection, boy.

From the ashes in fulfillment of the scriptures.

Put her back on that stage.

Restore the Kingdom.

Come see me when you're ready to believe in miracles!

What the hell was that?

- You got pocket gophers.

We're just doing a little pest control for you.

- Sounded like a bomb went off.

- We made a little homemade explosive

with some fertilizer, some gas.

One more, we'll have cleared out the whole den for you.

- You know we've got grounds crew

for that kind of stuff.

- Oh, we know.

But truthfully, they ain't half as good as we are.

Plus, we just want to show you

we appreciate all you done for us.

- I appreciate that thought,

and I'm real proud of the way you stood up to your Daddy.

I know it wasn't easy.

We're happy you all are here.

- Here goes.

- You got scared.

No, I didn't.

You see any gophers?

- Not no more.

- Parents of teens, good to see y'all.

Wow, all right.

Whoo! This is a good turnout.

Very cool, very cool.

So I just wanted to address

some of the letters I've received in the SBC.

That is suggestion box comments.

- Well, the issue is simple.

We do not feel safe with the assistant youth pastor.

We heard he's a devil worshipper.

- See, that's false, all right?

Fake news.

No, Keefe is an ex-Satan worshipper.

- I don't judge people's past.

I used to sell fireworks on the side of the road.

But I don't want him influencing our children.

- You don't have to worry about Keefe around children.

All right? I vouch for him.

He is one of my closest personal friends.

He is my dude.

- With all the rumors swirling about you,

can't you see how strange this all looks?

- There's rumors swirling about me?

- Remove him, or we remove our kids.

- Okay.

Thank you for your feedback.

Enjoy your Woks on Water.

- Well, I was hoping Thomas would be here today.

He's my usual partner.

- Someone slashed all his tires.

He can't make it.

- Well, that's disturbing.

- We need to find you a new partner.

- I'll play.

BJ, right?

Didn't recognize you.

You're always in a suit at church.

- Well, don't let the Versace couture fool you.

It's still me.

- Ah! What the hell?

- So you go to Salvation Center?

- I do. I do.

I'm Stephen.

I actually work with your lady.

- Oh, nice.

She's a lot of fun, right?

- Mm...

is she ever.

Should we rock out?

- Yeah, let's rock out.

Although I think pickleball is a little bit more like jazz.

- Oh, yeah. Feels good.

Get the blood flowing again.

Lately it's all been rushing to my cock.

- Oh, for real?

- Yeah, bro.

I've been hooking up with this chick.

So hot.

Horniest gal I've ever met.

You should see how wet her pussy gets.

I touch her, and it's just instantly fucking dripping.

Fucking full-on rain puddles.

- Mm.

Well, thanks for filling in.

- Oh, I'm filling in, all right.

- I just meant that my usual teammate, Thomas,

isn't here today.

- I'm talking about how hopefully

I'll be filling in this chick's pussy.

I dry humped her till I came.

Had the fucking map of Hawaiian islands all down my slacks.

- Time out, you guys.

Time out.

Stephen, I have to say

I find what you're saying offensive.

- Oh, do you?

- I don't really enjoy poon-tang talk

with other fellas.

I know it's seen as locker room chat,

but I find it to be disrespectful.

- You're a weak little fag, ain't you?

- No, I'm a straight cis male,

but I don't believe that queer people

should be referenced that way, regardless.

- You fellas gonna play pickleball

or keep flapping them gums?

- Ahh!

I love her, you dick!

- Henry!

Oh, my God, you're bleeding so much!

Is he on blood thinners?

- They say Jesus struggled with the crosswords.

He always got stuck at 2 across.

You're going to hell, Eli.

- Maybe not today.

It's too nice out.

- Yeah, it is pretty here in the garden.

I can see why Aimee-Leigh liked it.

- It's not always a bad thing to treat yourself nice, is it?

- Yeah, I could never live like you do,

all the things you have.

- I was never jealous of your riches.

But I am jealous that your kids still love you.

That's more than I can say about my own.

- Don't mistake love for dependency.

I feel like one of them old dogs with swollen nipples

you see on a ranch searching for shade.

- You look like one too.

- Still, you know, it's been three years

since those boys played their instruments for me.

They refuse to because they know it gives me joy.

That's how much they hate me.

- They don't hate you, May-May.

You're just hard to love sometimes.

- I gave 'em everything I could.

Problem is, I never had a damn thing.

- Today we are here to discuss when people think

people might be molesting people.

- Keefe's gotta go, Kelvin.

- What?

Okay.

Okay, I can't even believe what I'm hearing.

Fire Keefe?

- He just can't be assistant youth pastor anymore.

Martin thinks there might be a place for him

in Immigrant Outreach.

- Okay, I like working with Keefe closely.

- Okay.

- He'll be so crushed.

- Well, why don't you think about

your own family's feelings for once

instead of Keefe's, okay?

Do you know what it feels like to be me?

Who fucking makes sacrifices right and left

to run this shit?

- Why are you acting like

you're the only one doing stuff?

We all do stuff!

- Okay, well, the stuff that your friend is doing,

the molesting or whatever the fuck is going on there,

that is not good for the church.

- Church leaders have gotta think about optics, Kelvin.

Okay? You need to suck it up, homey.

- Like you sucked it up on tour?

- How fucking dare you!

You two.

Both of you, enough!

- Fucker! I'm gonna kick you.

- Enough!

- No, Jesse. Nah, son.

I don't like that.

I don't like you acting like Daddy.

- Well, I don't like how you're both acting,

like little immature babies.

Sit down.

- Sittin' down 'cause I want to.

- Well, this isn't fair, and I think you all know that.

Martin, you got anything to say?

- Life is not fair.

And Keefe as assistant youth pastor does not work.

This is not the hill to die on, Kelvin.

I'm sorry.

- I'm just getting my coffee. I'm leaving.

I vote no on everything else today.

- The next thing we were gonna vote for

was funding the battered women's shelter.

- It's a no!

- Ran into your coworker Stephen

at the pickleball court.

- Pardon? - Stephen?

Spiky haired man from music?

- What's up with him?

What'd he... what'd he say? What'd he want?

- We played as a team, but it was strange.

He started doing graphic sex talk.

I didn't really get on board.

I kind of upset him.

- What kind of graphic sex talk?

That's so weird.

- Explicit descriptions of sex acts

he'd done with a woman, how her vaginal secretions

made full puddles on the ground,

how she liked it when he shot into his own trousers.

It was kind of gross, to be honest.

I said no thanks, and he lashed out at me.

- The dude's a sicko, BJ.

He's got major problems in his brain.

That's why he got fired.

- Stephen got fired?

- Mm-hmm. - What for?

- I don't know, it was like a Time's Up/Me Too type deal.

- That's why he was so prickly with me.

He's upset he lost his job.

I should call him.

- What? No!

Don't you dare do that.

Just leave it alone.

- Sometimes when men boast, they're really just insecure.

- Stop trying to figure this dude out.

You are a good guy.

He is a very, very bad guy.

That's it.

- I didn't know you felt so strongly.

I don't.

I feel like the opposite of strongly.

Don't give a shit whether the dude lives or dies.

In fact, I lean toward hoping he dies today.

But also, I could care less.

- Well, well, well, look who it is.

It's your favorite cousin, Jesse.

Big, bad Jesse.

You ready for a miracle?

Nephew, prepare yourself.

- Here she comes.

- ♪ Old country lane still looks the same ♪

♪ I long to lay down and sleep in the meadow ♪

♪ And listen to the wind from the valley and bends ♪

♪ A train whistle ♪

♪ I hear you a-comin' ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- Hey buddy.

What you working on?

- I'm fashioning pieces of construction paper

into crosses for the Youth Group bulletin board.

But they keep coming out like daggers.

- I'm sure it's fine, Keefe.

Uh, look.

I have to talk to you about something, and it's...

well, it's not easy to talk about.

- Mm.

Sexual stuff?

- No.

We're gonna move you out of Youth Group,

but guess what.

I got you a gig in Immigrant Outreach.

You're finally gonna get to use your Cantonese!

Hung Ku!

That means very cool.

I looked it up.

- I understand.

I'm sorry for the trouble I brought upon you.

- You are no trouble.

- You saved me.

And I will walk the righteous path

from here on out because of you.

It's time I take what I've learned

and put it to good use.

Alone, by myself.

- No, Keefe, we're just shifting your position.

- I need to give you space so that the air can be cleared.

- I don't want space.

- I'll move out.

- This is a big decision.

Take your time.

You should... You should pray on it.

- I'll be out tomorrow.

You Gemstones are stars, destined to burn bright.

Best I step aside.

- Keefe.

- Hey, sexy!

- So you're stalking my husband now?

- I told you I wouldn't give up.

- Hey, Stephen, you gave it the college try, all right?

But my decision stands.

This is never gonna happen.

It's a mistake I never, ever should have made.

I love BJ.

- I hate Kristy.

I wish I could chop her fucking head off

while she's making omelets.

- Okay, do it. - I would.

- Whatever you do, I need you to respect my wishes

and stop harassing me.

- Harassing you?

You want me, Judy.

- Nah, boy.

If I wanted you, I would have you.

I was just doing what I thought you're supposed to do

when you're a rock star.

I thought, "Hey, man,

"people want to fall in love with me, suck my dick?

So be it."

It turns out I'm not Daniel Lee Rothson.

I'm Judy Gemstone.

I'm BJ Barnes's bitch and no one else's.

You're not half the man that he is.

- It's funny you should mention him.

- Judy?

What are you doing here?

- Called my old pickleball partner here

to bury the hatchet.

See, I can't stand all this lying anymore.

Exhausting to live that way.

So...

do you want to tell him the truth, Judy?

Or do I have to?

- Hi, Mama.

- Uh-oh. What's goin' on?

Who died?

- We just thought that we'd, uh...

We'd play our music for you.

- We're gonna play "Sinner, You'd Better Get Ready,"

your favorite.

Two, three, four.

♪ Sinner, you'd better get ready ♪

♪ Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah ♪

♪ Sinner, you'd better get ready ♪

♪ Times are coming when the sinner must die ♪

♪ Times are coming when a sinner must die ♪

♪ Get prepared for your judgment day ♪

- Oh, Pontius! What the fuck?

- Get the fuck out!

- Oh, my God.

- Put your fucking pants on and come to my office.

♪ Times are comin' when the sinner must die ♪

- ♪ About to be burned in the flames of hell ♪

♪ Times are comin' when the sinner must die ♪

- We were horny, so we fucked.

Big whoop.

- It is a big whoop, Pontius.

You're my son.

I'm the head of the church.

- Co-head.

- All right, you know what?

I was gonna be cool, but fuck that.

The reason why Makayla is allowed

to come to this house is because we trust you.

But if you're gonna sit there and put jizm on her

behind our backs, then you can kiss that trust goodbye.

Trust is a gift that should be cherished.

Life is tough.

When you allow yourself to trust another person,

that takes some of the weight off.

And that's why it stings extra when that trust is betrayed.

- ♪ Better say your goodbyes ♪

♪ Times are coming when the sinner must die ♪

- People do not like having the rug

pulled out from underneath them.

Love can be lost.

Relationships can be damaged forever.

It can take years and years to mend

all that wasted fucking time.

Trust is the only thing keeping the entire

house of cards standing.

Without it, we're left with a shit-stained world

full of liars and cheats.

♪ Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah ♪

- Somebody gifting you their trust

is a very, very powerful thing.

So breaking that trust is the equivalent of saying,

"Hey buddy, fuck you.

I don't give a fuck about what you think."

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want to portray to me and your mom?

"Hey, Mom, hey, Dad, fuck you.

I don't give a fuck about what you think."

Someone saying "fuck you" to family

will not be tolerated in this house.

As your father, have I made myself clear?

- Yeah.

Whatever.

♪ Sinner must die ♪

- We love you, Mama.

- That was for you, Mama.

- You proud, Pa?

We do good?

- Five thousand pounds of ammonium nitrate.

Stick that up Uncle Sam's ass and blow him straight to Mars.

Yes.

You did good, boys.

- Did real good.