Original subtitles

We're not going out

Not staying in

just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

we're not going out

we are not going out.

Snore NG

GROANING

Oh.

Am I in heaven?

If you mean the gay club in London then, yes.

I'm Steve.

I assume that was your first time, you fainted.

I mean the operation. Was it a success?

Oh, that? No!

Why not?

Because your operation isn't until tomorrow lunchtime.

You've been asleep for...

...six minutes.

You passed out when they were taking your blood pressure.

Passed out? Oh, God, what's the matter with me?

I'm afraid they said you've got an acute case of high

maintenance with the added complication of over- reaction.

You wouldn�t be being so sarcastic if you were in this bed.

Depends what we were doing.

Why can't they just get on with it? I don't remember all this waiting

around when you went into hospital that time.

You mean when I gave birth to the twins?

Well, maybe if your gallstones weighed six pounds each

and tried to climb out of your penis, you'd get bumped up the list.

You know what, I'm not feeling much sympathy here.

Ah.

Look, I'm sorry.

I know you're worried.

But, like the doctor told you,

all this anxiety is why they keep having to delay the operation.

MACHINE BEEPS

Your blood pressure is through the roof.

You need to find a way to relax.

But that you can do on a public ward.

I suppose.

And, at the risk of sounding harsh, you did bring this all on yourself.

Like they said, gallstones are brought on by lifestyle choices.

So�s being pregnant.

The main cause being a sedentary lifestyle.

And there's only one cure for that.

Is it plenty of rest?

More exercise.

And, just as importantly, a healthier diet.

Maybe some fruit now and then.

You know the rules - you have to get your blood pressure

and your heart rate down before they can do this operation.

Oh...oh, this'll help.

Lee, we thought we'd lost you.

Mm, sympathy at last.

No, I mean we went to the wrong ward.

Where are the kids?

We left them back at our house.

Didn't want them to see Lee like this.

Yes, we thought the sight of him

lying on his back doing nothing would make them homesick.

Sorry, Mum, you've left them back at your house on their own?

Oh, they'll be fine for an hour or so - Charlie's 14.

Yeah, I wasn�t much older than that

when I started going out to work every day.

Well Stonehenge wasn't going to build itself.

Sorry if you don't think we're looking after them properly.

Oh, you know I don't think that.

We love it when you dump the little angels on us.

The more they damage expensive things,

the less we have to worry about who we�re going to leave them to.

I hope the kids aren't worried about me.

Oh, no, not remotely worried.

I told them, the gall bladder is a nonessential organ,

like the appendix or tonsils.

Or in their father�s case

possibly the brain.

Can we get you anything from the canteen, Lee?

Ooh, yes. Can I get a large plate of chips with salt and vinegar

and a can of Coke?

And some fruit.

He's joking. Yeah, forget the fruit.

He'll just have a banana, please.

And don't forget the rubber tire for me to have a swing in.

I'm worried now.

Do you think they'll be all right on their own?

Yeah, as long as your dad doesn�t wander too near the mortuary.

The hospital will think they've got a runner.

I meant the kids.

Why don't you show this level of worry about me?

Because you're insured.

And also, despite all evidence to the contrary, you're an adult.

An adult who is going to be fine.

Yeah, but am I though?

What if the doctors know something I don't?

Well, I should hope they do after five years of medical school.

What are you doing here?

You know I work here, right?

You know what I do for a job?

Yeah, you�re, you�re a thingy...

You're a lady parts Doctor.

The word is gynecologist, but you're in the right ballpark.

You do men as well do you?

It's a stupid name anyway.

Why?

Well it should be pronounced "Gina-ecologist".

You know, as in "vagina-ecologist".

I'll submit it to the General Medical Council.

So, if you're working, why aren't you wearing a white coat?

Because I don't drive a Mr Chippy van.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you both about something

and to, er, check on how you're doing of course.

He's a bit anxious.

I just want to know the doctors haven't missed anything.

Everyone here knows what they're doing.

They monitor your symptoms, then they go into the toilets

and Google to find out what you've got.

And what have I got? You know what you've got.

Gallstones. Gallstones brought on by lifestyle...

Yes, I've had the lecture.

Just be honest with me, Toby,

is there anything the doctors aren't telling me?

Well, now you ask...

Go on. Some of them think you're a bit overly demanding

and wish you'd stop ringing the bell.

This is a hospital, it's not an easy Jet flight.

Anyway, stop fretting, it's a perfectly routine operation.

It must be routine if Dr Stevens is doing it.

Why? Old Shaking' Stevens?

What do you mean, Shaking' Stevens?

Sorry, ignore me, it's just a silly nickname.

You're saying I've got a dodgy surgeon.

Dr Stevens is fine.

You don't get acquitted by a medical tribunal without

a modicum of surgical ability.

He what? What happened?

It was nothing. And don't tell me that your hand hasn't slipped

occasionally when you're carving a chicken.

Dr Stevens is perfectly competent.

Well I don't want perfect competent, do I?

I want the best. They are all the best.

They can't all be the best, cos that's not logical possible.

Come on, who�s the best doctor in this ho spit a

Oh, probably me, actually.

Right, well you do it. Can a gynecologist remove a gallstone?

Depends where it's stuck!

Of course I can't do it.

But it is a very simple procedure.

Even a blind person with a hangover could do it.

Could do it or is doing it?

MACHINE BEEPS

Ah, well, this is calming him down a treat, doctor.

Why don't you tell him about the funny items surgeons have

left in bodies after surgery?

Because that one was never proven.

It's like Dr Stevens' defense lawyer said,

" How do we know that that scalpel wasn't left there

"from the previous operation?"

I mean, admittedly, Dr Stevens did the previous operations.

Sorry, Toby, what was it you wanted to chat to us about?

Nothing actually, just, er, just came to say hi.

No, you said you wanted to ask us something.

Yeah, nothing important though.

Can't remember.

"A guide to preparing your last will and testament."

Yeah, just, er, don't worry about that.

Can I have, um, can I have a quick word, Lucy?

Oh, my God, am I going to die?

You're not going to die.

Well, you'll die at some point, but not today.

The operation�s tomorrow.

Well, OK, you won't die today or tomorrow,

but after that you're on your own.

Please stop talking, Toby.

There's something I didn't want to say in front of Lee.

Is he going to be OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's going to be fine.

Well, he's still going to be Lee,

but there's a limit to what medicine can do.

So what is it?

Well, Lee banging on about mortality for the last few days got me

and Anna chatting about the inevitable end of our own lives.

Because it's more uplifting than looking through our wedding photos.

And we realised we've never made a will.

Are you going to leave us all your money?

No. We're leaving you Jack.

So, nothing then. Our son, Jack.

Oh!

If something were to happen to Anna and me, and Jack was left alone,

we'd like to think that there were people there for him.

That's such a nice thing to ask, Toby.

Uh, what about Anna?

Well, I can't ask you to take her.

You're only human.

What does Anna think?

We both want Jack to grow up in a loving and supportive environment.

And, well, we know he'll get that with you two.

That's so lovely.

So...

...sounds like a yes?

Well, I'll have to talk to Lee as well of course.

Why? I thought he was going to be dead by tomorrow.

Anna will be thrilled.

We've got a date night planned for this evening.

And when I tell her the news about Jack, she might let me off.

Anyway, I 'll, er...

... I'll see what I can do to make Lee's stay a little more relaxing.

A soft pillow would be nice.

If he keeps moaning, I can put it over his face.

What did he say?

He wanted to know if I wanted the gallstones after they were removed.

I said yes, but they can keep everything else.

What did he say?

This might come as a bit of a shock, so brace yourself.

It wasn't about you.

I know, I was just as shocked!

I mean, what else is there?

Toby wanted to ask if we would be named in their will so that

if anything happened to him and Anna, we'd be the ones to take Jack.

I know.

I was speechless, too.

You said no, right?

Well, I said I 'D speak to you.

I don't want his kid! Why not?

Cos I've already got three of me own and I'm not always sure I want them.

But at least I got them by having sex

and not some brief conversation at a vending machine.

I don't believe this.

I haven't agreed to anything. I can't believe you gave him the

impression you were considering it. I know. My bad. I should have kicked

him in the bollocks and ran away screaming.

Yeah, well I would have done.

MACHINE BEEPS

Can you calm down please? That's what I'm trying to do.

But you�re offering our house out as an orphanage.

It's only a bit of paperwork.

It's not like it would ever actually happen.

And they've only ever thought about asking us now

because you keep banging on about the subject of death.

Well that's a good point, isn't it?

Hey? What if I did die? Then you�d have to do it on your own.

You wouldn�t have three kids to look after - you'd have four.

What's new?

So what do you want to do?

The same thing we did when we didn't want to have any more kids -

pull out before it's too late!

Right, well, you're obviously dead against it,

and we both need to agree, so, we'll have to say no.

Good. And we need to do it quick as well

before he tel Anna it's agreed.

Exactly. That would be unbearably awkward.

Well go on, then.

I'm not telling him. You're the one who's objecting to it -

you tell him!

OK, I'll just paddle me sick bed out into the corridor

and find him, shall I? You've got a phone.

So have you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

You do it, dickhead!

Still alive, Lee? Only we need the bed if not.

It's for you!

Hello.

Hi, Toby, it's Lucy.

There's something Lee would like to talk to you about.

Bye!

Bye.

Is this about the chat Lucy and I had in the corridor?

Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to say we are very,

very flattered that you asked us about jack.

No, no, sorry about the other thing.

Me saying I 'D try and pull a few strings whilst you were here.

Oh, right.

Go on.

Well, I started by trying to pull your operation forward to

this evening, but, er, the manager was adamant.

First Shaking' Stevens, now Adam Ant.

Who�s giving me a bed bath, Lima from Goolagong?

No, he's Too Shy.

I, rem, I have done you a favour, though.

I think I've found you a new surgeon-

Ah, so you admit Shaking' Stevens is rubbish.

No, of course I'm not, but it's clearly causing you anxiety,

so I wanted to put your mind at rest and reduce your stress levels.

So, who have I got now?

Webb Wilkins or jerky Perkins?

I've put in a personal request for Mrs Benares to do it.

Mrs Benares? Is she not a Doctor?

No, she's the tea lady.

But she likes a challenge.

Of course she's a doctor!

She's only called "Mrs" because the senior surgeons

don't like to use the title " Doctor".

Senior as in "experienced", or senior as in she can't stand

up for more than five minutes and she keeps thinking it's Thursday?

As in "experienced". She has done thousands of operations.

Operations, as in surgery?

Operations as in "behind enemy lines".

You'll be fine as long as she doesn't have a flashback,

creep up behind you and slit your throat.

Of course as in surgery.

So, look, do you want Mrs Benares, or not?

If she's better than Shaking' Stevens, course I do.

OK, well I'll make the necessary calls and see

if I can get her released.

From where?

Well, from whatever she's supposed to be doing.

You were saying about Jack.

Yeah, rem, like I say we...

...we are very flattered that you would ask us to...

Well, it would mean a great deal to us to think that Jack was

being well looked after if anything happened to Anna and me.

Can you imagine though?

Me and Lucy being foster parents to jack?

He'd end up wishing you�d never died.

Well, I rather hope he'd feel that as soon as we died.

You don't know any better people than us, then?

No, of course not.

People that would make better parents?

Absolutely not.

Ones that might bring jack up in a more

intellectual stimulating environment?

Yeah, well, I know loads of them, obviously.

Well there you go - ha!

You know what your biggest problem is, don't you?

What?

Self-deprecation.

Well they've taken away the bed pan.

You are a great dad

and you're a great person.

And you're a great friend.

So, what do you say?

Well how I could I refuse?

Thanks, Lee.

Hang on, I was brainstorming.

Anna will be delighted.

Well? Did you tell him?

Yes.

I looked him right in the eyes and I just told him straight.

I said, "Of course we'll adopt your child if you drop down dead! "

You did what?

I did what you want and said he could put us in the will.

You offered to make a legal commitment to have their child?

I thought you were up for it.

Of course I'm not!

Do I look like Mother frigging Teresa?

Well you don't sound like her.

I can't agree to take on another child.

I'm not sewing another bloody name tag, or feigning any more

interest in shit macaroni artwork.

So, why did you sound so happy about it before?

Because I knew there wasn't a cat in hell's chance you'd agree.

Oh, I see!

So, you thought I 'D be the one who�s the bad guy and told him no.

Exactly.

But I was hoping you'd do a better job.

You can't even disappoint people properly.

You need to tell him. Right now.

I'm not upsetting Toby.

He's arranging for me to get a good surgeon for the operation tomorrow.

Well, I'm not committing to another child. Especially one that's

been brought up in a house as dysfunctional as theirs.

God knows what kind of adult he'll be like when he grows up.

Hello.

Anna!

I 'be come to offer some support in your hour of need.

Very kind of you. Not you - Lucy.

I assume it�s driving you mad.

Oh, you have no idea.

Lucy thinks I brought all this on myself.

I 'M sure you did. Toby's just as pathetic.

I told him, you can�t spend six months building a hospital

in Vietnam then complain to me when you get a bit of dengue fever.

So, have you just seen Toby?

No, the Gynecology Wing is miles away.

I 'll probably run in to him later.

Hopefully in the car.

He was just here, actually.

He was telling us you've been discussing your wills.

Yes, that�s the other reason I 'm here, actually.

We can't take Jack.

That's it, nice and gent.

What? I'm so sorry, Anna,

we were thrilled to be asked, we really were,

but, with the commitments we already have...

Sorry, Toby asked you two? Yes.

Bloody Toby!

I'ts always trying to make important decisions without properly

discussing it with me first.

This is the puce dado rail all over again.

So, you didn't want to ask us?

No! Of course not.

Well thank God for that.

Everyone�s happy.

Sorry, what do you mean, "Of course not"?

Well, you said it yours, you�d be a ludicrous choice.

I'm not positive I used the word "ludicrous".

Lucy, you are absolutely wonderful parents for YOUR children.

But we could never, you know.. .?

No.

What?

Well, we could never ask you to bring up Jack in your house.

You haven�t got the room to start with.

You could always leave us your house as well.

So, have you got someone else in mind,

or is it just anyone other than us?

No, our friends Nigel and Poppa.

They�re wonderful people.

He�s a lawyer, she�s a surgeon.

They sound delightful.

Well, they�d offer Jack all sorts of opportunities

he wouldn�t get elsewhere.

She works here actually, so, I 've popped in to arrange a lunch date

with her tomorrow to discuss it. I 'll see you later.

Excuse me, can you point me

in the direction of Poppa Benares office please?

Yeah, I'm heading that way. Follow me. Oh.

Benares? Mrs Benares, no, no, she's not free tomorrow.

She's doing my operation - I've booked her.

Anna? Anna!

She's gone to poach my surgeon! Get her back now.

The cheeky cow.

What?

"You haven't got the room."

Well we haven't. There's already two in one small bedroom.

True, and he's a bit hands when I'm trying to get to sleep.

You're off the hook, you should be relieved.

Yes, but she shouldn't be.

She should be devastated we said no.

Yeah, well she's not devastated, but I am,

cos if Benares chooses to have lunch with Anna tomorrow,

I'm back under the knife with Shaking' Stevens.

You want Benares, Anna wants Benares.

Everybody wants Mrs " Bloody Perfect" Benares.

Do you think she�d do a hip replacement?

Hands off Benares, sunshine!

What sort of a best friend doesn't offer you their child when they die?

To be fair, Lucy, it's her child and her decision.

We wouldn�t want her having our children.

That's true. And I'm going to make that very clear.

See how she likes it.

It's a bit childish, isn't it?

I'm being childish?

You're the one who's having a tizzy fit

because your doctor's named after a 1980s pop star.

You�d be the same if you were having a smear test from Dr Irrawaddy.

I have to have Benares doing this operation.

Actually, do you know what?

You're right.

Good. Go and get Anna back now

before she asks her to go to lunch tomorrow.

I'm not going to say we don't want her to have our kids.

Oh, good, we're back to that, are we? For a horrible moment there

I thought you were worried whether I lived or died.

I'm going to say the opposite.

I'll say we do want her to have our kids.

But we don't want her to have our kids.

And she won't want to have our kids.

But she'll still feel really guilty that we've asked her to

have our kids and she didn't ask us to have her kids.

And even better, she'll then have to say no to having our kids.

Double serving of friendship guilt with a big fat flake of awkwardness!

Do you know there's a psychiatric ward downstairs?

And what if Anna says yes?

She won't. And even if she did, I wouldn't follow through with it.

I don't want my kids being raised by someone who doesn't even

let their son watch I TV in case the accents rub off on them.

Oh, my God, she's found Benares.

She's about to steal my surgeon. Get her in here now!

Look at her perfect fingernails.

I bet she has a cleaner.

You bet she has a cleaner what?

Oh, God, Anna's booking the table for lunch.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Oh, hello, Doctor.

I mean hello Mrs...

Are you OK? Yeah, I think I'm just having a panic attack.

OK, well take some deep breaths for me.

LEE BREATHES DEEPLY

Yeah, that's much better. Thanks, missus.

She's very good, isn't she?

Oh, she's practically perfect in every way.

Oh, I'm so glad you�re doing my operation tomorrow.

Ah, well, actually I was going to,

but, er, there�s just been a change of plans.

No chance - you have to do it. I've heard you're real good.

You�re very kind, but, rem, all my colleagues are excellent.

Not all of them, though, let's be honest.

I know all about Shaking' Stevens.

Well, it�s good to have a specialized subject.

Please don't let me go under the knife with Shaking' Stevens.

Would you go for lunch tomorrow

if the chef was called Barry Butterfingers?

Sorry, are you.. .? You�re talking about Dr Stevens?

Course I am. How many Shakes have you got?

Toby told me all about him.

MACHINE BEEPS

You need to calm down.

Well that's easy for you to say,

you�re not being operated on by a surgeon who's so shaky every time

they open a bottle of Coke it looks like they've won a Grand Pr ix.

Anna, thank goodness.

I wanted to talk to you.

After you just left, Lee and I had a very long heart-to- heart discussion.

I've only been gone a few minutes.

All this talk of wills got us asking the same questions,

who would have our children if something happened to us?

And you're right, it's a very important decision.

You can't just go for a person with a flashy job,

lots of money and terrible taste in shoes.

No, of course not.

It has to be someone you know and trust.

And that's why we wanted to ask...

...will you and Toby agree to take our children?

Oh...

Oh, my goodness, what an honor!

And after I chose someone else for Jack. Now I feel terrible.

Do you? That wasn't my intention.

You know I adore both your children.

We've got three.

Yes. Sorry, I 'D forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.

Oh, don't worry. You look pretty screwed now.

Look, Lucy, I'm really pleased to be asked, but the...

One banana, as ordered.

I 've decided - he needs to be nil by mouth.

It's up to you where you stick it.

Hello, Anna, are you OK?

Yes, just a bit emotional. Lucy's just asked me to take their children

in the event of anything happening to them both.

Has she? Well, yes but...

I always assumed your father and I would do that.

Oh, I'm sure there was no of fence

intended, it's only because you're older than us.

What? I said it's only because you're older than us.

We may be older than you but we're perfect capable of childcare.

Who do you think's looking after them now?

That is a good question, Mum, who is looking after them now?

You haven't left the children on their own, have you?

I 've given them a glass of milk and a jigsaw puzzle.

What more does a teenager want?

I knew it. This is nothing to do with our age.

You just don't think we're fit guardians.

Don't worry, Wendy, because I'm afraid,

Lucy, my answer is "no" anyway.

I could never take your children.

Why not? You can have them, Wendy.

Very generous of you ! Maybe we don�t want them.

Why does nobody want my children? Of course we want them. Geoffrey!

Oh, it�s one thing having them visit,

but another being full time parents to them. Full time?

All you do is stay in the house all day in your chair

telling them not to touch things.

I let them touch my car.

You let them wash your car.

Lucy, how could you choose Anna over us?

Oh, Mum, for God's sake, I only did it to make her feel bad.

Did you? Why?

Because you think Mrs Benares over there is so bloody superior to me.

I 'm not Mrs Benares.

Dr Stevens, so pleased to meet you.

I won�t shake.

Once I start, I probably won�t stop!

Still with us, Lee?

I want a word with you, Toby.

Get in line.

Oh...

You�ve got some gall.

LEE: See, she doesn�t even know which one's the patient.

You know what your nickname is, don�t you, Toby?

Can we all chip in? Toby Jug!

Because you�ve got big ears and you can�t handle more than a pint.

Why did you offer Jack to other

people without asking me first, Toby? He's not a gerbil.

Lucy wouldn�t even trust us with a gerbil.

Course I would.

We�re not looking after the bloody gerbil as well.

You've asked other people without asking me, Anna.

At least I ask people who are able to do it!

Are you saying we're incapable?

You're saying that to us, Lucy.

Of course I'm not! And I'm not saying that to you, Lucy.

Yes, you are. Well, not incapable, just inappropriate.

You'd effectively be a one- parent family.

I knew it! Am I dying?

Not quite what I meant.

Yes, but Toby's definitely saying that I 'm not a capable surgeon.

And behind my back, by the sounds of it.

Anna! Poppa!

TH IS is Mrs Benares.

Oh, thank God! You have to do my operation tomorrow.

Sorry, I've already arranged to have lunch with Anna.

You know why she's asking you don't you?

She wants you to look after her child if she dies.

Does she? Lucky her!

I'm sorry, Anna, I could never agree to that.

Nigel and I work far too many hours.

It's not as if we could leave Jack at home on his own.

Oh, shove it!

Lucy, would you do me the honor of...

Not a chance! And we�re not having him!

We'd offer, Anna, but our stair-lift is on a two-cheater.

Perfect. So you are free to do my operation after all

No way! Now I found out why I was stood down for doing this operation,

I 'm going back to doing it. Has anybody got a problem with that?

I'll sharpen your scalpel.

Actually nobody's doing the operation. You don't need one.

That's why I'm here. To tell you the gallstones are only minor.

Nothing that can't be sorted with a bit of diet and exercise.

It was an incorrect diagnosis.

By who?

I bloody knew she was rubbish!

Argo!

Do you three want to draw straws for who's going to pop my hip back in?

We're not going out

Not staying in

just hanging around with my head in a spin

But there is no need to scream and shout

We're not going out

We are not going out.

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