Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow ?

- ? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ? - ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ?

[music crescendos]

? ?

[jazzy music]

- [chuckles] - Ooh.

Swiping while we wait for our date?

[laughs]

We are being so bad.

Yeah, I love that Jill keeps setting us up

on all these playdates. She's so selfless.

If only she got something out of it.

[harp flourish] Mmm.

Oh, my turn! My turn!

Okay, I would hump Cujo, kill Toto,

and marry Marley.

- Aww. - For the insurance.

- [sniggering] - Yeah! [sniggering]

Oh, no! [laughing]

So I thought this app was just for dog owners.

We used to have a dog.

[dramatic musical sting] Cool, cool.

Would you like some more beggin' strips?

We don't know it's not bacon.

I'm trying to work here.

- A little to the right. - Ooh! [harp flourish]

Can't wait to see who's next.

[motorcycle revving]

Ooh.

[hard rock music]

[tires screech]

- What up, doggos? - Oof.

- Aw, man! - Ooh.

I'm Banshee!

[retches]

- Does anyone want in on this? - This guy is awesome!

- [slurping] - He seems like a lot.

- But at least he brought snacks. - Mmm.

And I think what I'm realizing is,

I haven't been angry at all of the animals I've murdered.

I've actually just been angry at my...

- Is this annoying anyone else?! - What, me?

I'm just up here getting used to the altitude.

Long story, I'm a purse dog now.

I guess it wasn't that long of a story.

- Wait, wait, wait, you're a purse dog? - Actually, if we could go back,

Nibbles was on the verge of a breakthr...

Too late! They all deserved to die.

Yeah, yeah. Who cares? Spill the purse beans.

Well, it all happened so fast.

This is all happening so fast!

See? I always thought I'd be on the outside looking up,

but now I'm on the inside looking down.

You know, I'm actually 1/64 purse dog

on my 20 times great-grandmother's side...

one of the first purse dogs, actually.

Carried around in a horse's bladder.

- Yeah, I know. - Now if we are done with opening remarks,

the keynote speaker has important announcement to make.

This weekend, I, Tabitha,

will be vying for my seventh title

as Pretty kitty kitty litter's prettiest kitty

at the Pretty kitty kitty litter pretty kitty cat show.

Really? Well, I thought you were done

with the Pretty kitty kitty litter's prettiest kitty

at the Pretty kitty kitty litter pretty kitty cat show.

- What made you think that? - Well, for me, it was when you said

you were done with cat shows, which timed out perfectly

because your owners were spending all their time

with their newer, younger, cuter cat anyway.

Apparently, the novelty of Kit Kat have worn off for my humans.

So now it's back to business as usual,

me being celebrated for my unrivaled beauty.

Me? I can't belie... I won?

[gasps] Whoo!

I won! [laughing]

Tabitha, as much as I love

to hear you make those over-the-top noises,

I'm concerned you're edging towards a backslide.

- Ooh, did somebody say "backside"? - No, I said "backslide."

Okay, but you did say "edging,"

and I've got a story for that too. Or do I?

? Purse-y, purse-y, purse dog! ?

? I'm a purse dog! ?

- Here you go! - A treat?

From a purse dog? Bless you, sir!

[indistinct chatter]

- Wow, this is all so magical. - Oh! We got a newbie.

- I'm Scout. - Diablo.

Welcome.

- Cigar? - Ooh, fancy.

That's Tofu and Jonathan. And this is...

[riffing operatically]

Bowie. Charmed, I'm sure.

[slurps] That's enough.

You know, Diablo, we couldn't help but notice

you feeding that meter mutt over there.

- Floor dogs are trash. - Well, that's not true.

Some of my best friends are floor dogs.

[haughty laughter]

- No, really. - You can't be serious.

Are you a purse dog or just a dog in a purse?

[dramatic music]

[laughs] I got... got you! I got you all!

I mean, this one was like, what? And he was like, huh?

And you were like, ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-what?

[laughter]

You did do that, Tofu, you slut.

[sotto voce] Diablo, you did it again, you literal son of a bitch.

Banshee is seriously the coolest.

We went skateboarding, surfing, dune buggy-ing.

- I... I feel like a puppy again! - Chief, you're in your mid-sevens.

I think you might be having a little bit of a midlife crisis.

No, I'm just halfway through my life,

realizing how fast it's going

and wishing I was a cool puppy again.

- What are you talking about? - Fine. While you were gone,

I was busy having my own wild time.

All right, puzzle, I know there's a treat in you somewhere.

[jazz music playing]

Nope. Nope.

Nope.

Nope. Nope.

[chuckles] Talk about an adrenaline rush.

- Care to take the ride? - Oh, I can't.

Banshee said we're going skydiving tomorrow.

What? Do you even know what that is?

- I think it's the day after today? - No, skydiving.

Haven't you seen Jill cry-watching those skydiving

proposal videos where people jump out of airplanes?

Oh, my god. Is Banshee gonna propose?

I mean, his vomit is delicious,

but I'm not sure I like him that way.

Yes. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna say yes!

Chief, I'm saying you guys are going to jump out of an airplane.

- Oh. Yeah, that does sound a little risky. - Uh, a little risky?

It's bat-scat insane.

You could die, or worse, become paralyzed.

And then Jill would become paralyzed... with grief.

And then I have to take care of you both

and probably learn how to drive, which leaves no time for puzzles.

No, Chief, you cannot do this!

- Banshee thought you might say that. - Really? All of it?

Yeah. He also thought you were my mom.

Speaking of which, what's expected of me

on the wedding night, and will it hurt?

[jazzy music]

Ah, how I have missed this. [harp flourish]

The glamour, the pageantry.

Finally, I'm home. Don't worry, Kit Kat.

Maybe one day you'll get your chance to compete.

Ugh! As if I would ever want to be a part of something

- so antiquated and offensive. - Be jealous louder.

It feeds me. Bye-bye!

[gasps] This is not VIP holding area.

Where are the fur blowers and the anal swabs?

Who are you? Why do you lift me?

Where are you taking me?

[gasps]

Where am I?

- Who are you freaks? - Attention, cat people,

the legacy parade will commence shortly.

What? Legacy parade? But... but that is

for the sad cats of yesteryear.

[laughs]

Who do you think you are, some spring kitten?

You are one of us.

[laughing]

Uh-oh. Well...

[exciting music]

I can't wait for you to feel that rush, man!

- You're gonna feel so alive! - What if the parachute doesn't open?

- Don't let your mom get in your head! - Oh, Honey was right.

- I don't think I want to get married! - Chiefy, are you ready?

Actually, Jill, I've decided I'm gonna pass on this one.

But thank you so...

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

Uh, is the dog peeing?

Yep! Just the dog and no one else!

- Isn't this the best feeling in the world? - And it was, Honey. It really was!

I'm so glad that I made the decision

to listen to you and not go skydiving,

because it led me to being pushed out of a plane

- and going skydiving! - Well, I'm glad you're back.

Now you can help me with this puzzle.

Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope.

Trial and error, I'm addicted.

[chuckles] Nope.

Nope. Nope.

And tonight, I get to meet the rest of Banshee's chaos crew.

There's Dexter, Bones, Jax, Douche.

And now that Bones is old enough to get all of his shots,

we can finally fight those rats outside of Hooters.

Chief, maybe there's a healthier way

for you to deal with facing your mortality.

I mean, death comes for us all. [chuckling]

- Why are you giggling? - I'm... I'm sorry, Honey.

Banshee, Dexter, Bones, Jax, and Douche

are totally mooning us right now. [laughs]

Well, back to what I was talking about,

when there are more years... Chief?

- Chief? - [sniggering]

- This is funny on so many levels! - Let's go put our lives in danger

for a fleeting moment of excitement!

- Excitement! - Ha ha, danger!

Death comes to us all!

[sighs]

[jazzy music]

Ugh, so this is what becomes of my life,

- taken out to pageantry pasture. - It's not so bad being one of us.

Sure, we feel useless and desexualized,

but bottomless amounts of premium catnip

makes you forget that in seconds.

Here you go, old gal, a little pick-me-up.

- Puts a little puff in your muff. [laughs] - What is all this ruckus?

Oh, my god, you're still alive? Hey, maggots!

Remember that dead cat we crawled into?

- Guess what? - Oh, catnip, take me away.

[inhaling deeply]

Ah!

[frantic distorted music]

[high-pitched laughter]

? ?

Oh, yeah!

Okay, I know this is a purse world problem,

but why do they make chapstick the exact size of my anus?

[laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry, Bowie.

- You didn't think that was funny? - I don't know. It just felt like

you were working a little too hard.

Kind of like the straps on your bag, big girl?

Ooh. [laughter]

I mean, I didn't realize you were a husky!

[laughter]

- Well, I never! - Miss a meal?

Tell me about it. You keep up like this, your human is

gonna have to trade that purse in for a duffel, baby!

[laughter]

Diablo's speaking truth to power.

Diablo, I made you a purse dog.

One more crack, and I'll make you a hearse dog!

Come on and punch down, you bag hags!

Well, that was more clever than funny.

Well, you can't expect too much from a floor dog.

Floor dog? I'm not a... Ah!

The floor! It burns! It burns!

- Ugh! - Did you guys hear something?

My ears don't work down. [whimpering]

[laughter]

[all chanting] Bite the fence! Bite the fence!

[groaning] I've never felt so...

Agh... alive!

Ha! We're just gettin' warmed up!

[laughter] [shrieks]

- Oh, yeah! - [laughing] Oh! Whoa!

[upbeat rock music]

[laughter]

[train horn whistles]

- Oh! - Ah!

- Ah! - Whoo!

Witness me!

Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention

to the northwest corner of the room,

where our legacy express has already left the station.

Give it up for these old, old cats.

[applause]

[eerie organ music]

This is wrong. This is so wrong!

Hup!

My fellow felines,

these merciless monsters have no right

- to control our destinies! - That blurry shape is right!

How dare they devalue us

just because we are no longer kittens!

Yeah, we have our whole lives ahead of us.

[groans]

Everything changes tonight!

- It's mid-afternoon! - On my signal,

we scratch the eyes out of every human in sight.

Charge! [cheering]

Freedom!

[yowl turns into yawn]

Am I doing it?

[yowls]

All right, who's ready to dig deep

- into some emotional dirt today? - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, my god, Chief, you poor thing!

You can't keep acting

- like a dog in your threes. - What's that?

The wasps stung the insides of both my ears,

so I'm pretty much just reading lips at this point.

Anyway, guess what?

- Today was so much fun! - [spits] Wait, really?

And Banshee said after I go bumper humping,

he's gonna make me an official member of their crew!

All right, I'm gonna go try and knock my shoulder

- back into its socket. - What's bumper humping?

Bumper humping is what common dogs call chasing cars.

- Diablo? - How did you get in Jill's virtue

- signaling tote bag? - Don't worry about it.

Wait, car chasing? No, no, Chief would never...

That's the most dangerous sport known to dogkind.

Yep, I know of three dogs and a frog

who all died chasing the four-wheeled dragon.

The frog was actually raised by the dogs.

It's kind of a long story, but really quite beautiful

- if anyone has time to... - I've got to talk some sense into Chief,

or else he's gonna chase a car.

It's gonna crash into...

- Ow! - A toxic waste truck,

spilling radioactive material

- into the water supply. - [groans]

The people of Los Angeles turn into mutants.

And then when Jill becomes the leader of the mutant resistance,

who is going to put more treats in my puzzle?

Aah!

Our therapist, ladies and gentlemen.

[tense music]

[yowling]

No! Don't! Do not approach her!

She will only go to Stelios.

[sighs] I'm getting too old for dealing with cats

that are too old for this.

You will pay for your sins, pretty kitty kitty litter.

[yowls]

Ugh! Gah!

A-gah.

[groans] Remember my name. Ah.

- What was her name? - Who said that?

- Close the door! - Hey, Chief, do you have a second?

Nice try, Honey, but nothing you say is going to stop me

from going to the big car chase.

I've been training non-stop.

I've even been holding in my farts

to prepare for the methane boost

- to give me that extra burst of speed. - No, sweetie, no, I'm not trying

to convince you of anything.

If this is something you're passionate about,

then I support you now and always, Chief.

That's why I even got you some track shoes.

- Aw, Honey, you shouldn't have! - Come on, they're in here.

- You are seriously the best. - Now!

[sneaky music]

Hey, hey! We're not doing that.

You sure? It's included.

- Meh. - Why'd it get so dark in here?

Help! Honey! I can't find the track shoes!

[sirens wailing] Tabitha!

Thank god you're okay!

- You were so brave. - Kit Kat?

You led a revolution. I'm so proud to know you.

You were right. We cats are more

than sexy hunks of meat.

We are also sexy hunks of soul.

- Yes, that's exactly what I... - And the winner is Kit Kat!

[gasps and screams]

I'm Pretty kitty kitty litter's pretty ki... ki...

Whatever, I... I won!

- Suck it, uggos. - Nooo!

Long live the revoluti... Ohh, that feels nice.

[downtempo jazz music]

Oh, look, this poor floor putz has to work for a living.

[laughter]

Diablo? Are these your new friends?

[whispers] Introduce me. Make it seem like it was your idea.

Diablo, you know this floor mutt?

- Yeah, we're actually... - Who, this bath mat-looking bitch?

No! She's just some ground mongrel

who wishes she was one of us.

[laughter]

Wow. I get it. I would do exactly what you're doing.

But doesn't hurt any less.

After a humiliation like that, I'd run away.

With those stumpy legs, that is a run!

[laughter]

How do you not have a late night show?

Good thing you've been studying up on your bitchcraft, Elsa.

Canis defixio. Hoistes petardes!

- [gasps] My purse! - Aah! What do I do?

What do I do? Aah!

Oh, my god, it worked! Legsus growus!

Oh, well. At least Diablo's gonna die.

[all grunting]

Well, well, well, look who we have here,

- Chief's mom. - I'm not... all right, fine.

My son, Chief, is done with car chasing.

In fact, none of you should be doing this.

It's way too dangerous,

and it always gets in the way of my puzzles.

[tires screeching] I will never understand why anyone

- would risk their lives for... - Help!

- Wait, is that... - Yes, Honey, it's me, Diablo, from group!

I've come to a realization about the purse dog life,

and I'd love to dig into it with you after you save me

because I'm being purse-napped!

I also got in some sick burns earlier

I want to tell you about, but again, the purse-napping!

Also, do you know what Tabitha did at

- the pretty kitty kitty litter... - I'm coming, Diablo!

[exciting music]

- Ow! - I wish my mom was that cool.

Don't worry, Diablo!

I'm going to hump that bumper if it's the last thing I do!

Honey! Aah!

? ?

[grunting]

? ?

[gasps]

[train horn whistles]

Ah! I don't know you, lady,

but I'm down for whatever you have in mind!

? ?

[engine revs]

You have all that you need within you.

[farts] Whoo!

- Huh? - Let's go!

- Chaos, baby! - Ugh!

[groaning] [tires screeching]

[farts] You caught the car and saved me!

You're a hero!

Ah! Oh, purse legs.

[sniffing] Honey, there you are!

I found the track shoes!

I... I think I have to break them in though.

They're a little uncomfortable.

[police radio chatter] Wait. What's going on?

You're a legend, Chief's mom! You actually caught a car!

None of us have ever done that before.

- Well, Douche came close once. - Wassup!

We would be honored if you wanted to join our crew.

Yeah, that's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

- Okay, then. Later. - Um, guys? [chuckles nervously]

Does this mean you don't want to hang anymore?

I... I thought we were friends.

That's before you were wearing pots on your feet.

- What's wrong with you, man? - Come on, Chief, let's go.

- You don't need those guys. - Yeah, maybe you're right.

I don't need them to feel young and cool.

I have you. As long as you're around,

I'll always be the younger and cooler one.

Bitch, I caught a car today!

Sorry, sorry. I just feel so alive.

What's next? Should we take off our collars

and see what kind of weirdo takes us home?

You wanna start a fight club with that skunk?

How 'bout we go home and I help you with that puzzle?

The treat is mine! I mean, aww.

[jazzy music]

Well, you'll be happy to hear

that I won't be doing cat shows anymore.

- What happened? - Some old cat

freaked out during the legacy parade.

I mean, she was too young to be in legacy parade, but still.

Anyways, I got blamed. Now I'm banned for life.

Oh, my god! This is perfect timing for you,

considering you're probably way too old to compete anyway.

- [laughs] Never change, Chico! - And now to the world of dogs.

Elsa, I owe you an apology.

- I'm sorry I became such a purse monster. - That's okay.

And I have nothing to apologize for in return.

- Aw, that's nice. And you'll all be happy to know

that I'm giving up the purse game.

Really? How did you get out of it?

Well, let's just say I handled it.

[chuckles] And I think we have a clip?

A clip? What are you talking abou...

[squelching] [sniffs]

Ugh! Diablo!

It's on my invisalign!

So really, you could say she handled it.

Handled what?

You just stopped talking for a couple of seconds.

- Diablo, what's going on with you? - I don't know.

Being a purse dog really rattled my brain.

- We'll be right back. - Uh, back from where?

Before we wrap up the 45th annual

Pretty kitty kitty litter pretty kitty cat show,

let's take a moment to honor

the fabulous felines we've lost this year.

[Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing]

- ? Meow, meow, meow, meow ? - Nope, nope. I can't do it.

? ?

I thought Kitty Kitty Bang Bang died years ago.

sync & correction by f1nc0 -- Addic7ed.com --

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