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1
00:00:00,995 --> 00:00:02,161
We have to transform
those sex bots.
2
00:00:02,245 --> 00:00:03,745
They have
to be absolutely convincing.
3
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:06,078
What if we connect
a real Comms Link
4
00:00:06,161 --> 00:00:07,120
to their prop headsets.
5
00:00:07,412 --> 00:00:09,745
That is exactly the sort
of idea I should have had,
6
00:00:09,829 --> 00:00:11,120
if I weren't a complete fraud.
7
00:00:11,203 --> 00:00:12,203
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
8
00:00:12,286 --> 00:00:13,704
Here's an idea
to get people to like you,
9
00:00:13,787 --> 00:00:16,286
cocktail party.
You can meet 19 people a week.
10
00:00:16,370 --> 00:00:17,453
Don't people come in couples?
11
00:00:17,537 --> 00:00:20,203
No, widows, widowers, priests,
ugly people.
12
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:22,245
-You're not a couple.
-Neither was Zeus.
13
00:00:22,453 --> 00:00:23,453
I'm basically Zeus.
14
00:00:23,662 --> 00:00:26,036
KAREN KELLY: I would suggest
everyone laughing,
15
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,078
hitting it off,
maybe on the bridge.
16
00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:30,161
This is perfect.
Get some Mr. Average
17
00:00:30,245 --> 00:00:31,745
to push that fake button
we have for the kids.
18
00:00:31,829 --> 00:00:33,620
Can I join the party? Go!
19
00:00:33,787 --> 00:00:35,870
-(CROWD GASPS)
-(BELLOWING)
20
00:00:35,954 --> 00:00:37,453
There's a rupture
in the turd shield.
21
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,286
A real captain would be
out there.
22
00:00:39,453 --> 00:00:42,954
-You ready to do this?
-With every fiber of my being...
23
00:00:43,245 --> 00:00:44,120
No.
24
00:00:50,662 --> 00:00:52,787
One, two. One, two.
(CLEARS THROAT)
25
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:53,829
Hello, I'm Jordan.
26
00:00:53,912 --> 00:00:55,370
Best stand-up comic
this side of Mars.
27
00:00:55,453 --> 00:00:57,078
Also, the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,
28
00:00:57,161 --> 00:00:59,578
but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.
29
00:00:59,662 --> 00:01:01,453
(MUTTERING)
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh...
30
00:01:01,537 --> 00:01:03,787
-Two, two. Is this thing on?
-Yeah, it's on.
31
00:01:03,870 --> 00:01:05,829
No-- I know. It's a bit.
32
00:01:06,787 --> 00:01:08,203
The "is this on" thing,
33
00:01:08,286 --> 00:01:10,995
to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.
34
00:01:12,036 --> 00:01:14,036
Best thing about doing
stand-up in space?
35
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,328
Literally no pressure.
36
00:01:16,954 --> 00:01:18,745
-Is this thing on?
-Yup.
37
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,453
No, I know it's...
38
00:01:22,078 --> 00:01:24,245
And then I'll plug the beer.
39
00:01:24,328 --> 00:01:27,912
And... when I first
took this gig on,
40
00:01:27,995 --> 00:01:29,453
they told me that I needed
41
00:01:29,537 --> 00:01:31,412
enough material to cover
the first half of the journey,
42
00:01:31,495 --> 00:01:34,787
so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.
43
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:36,286
Is that funny?
44
00:01:36,370 --> 00:01:38,453
-Or is that too much maths?
-"Math."
45
00:01:38,537 --> 00:01:40,453
-(LOUD BANG)
-(METAL CREAKING)
46
00:01:40,537 --> 00:01:41,787
MAN 1: I can't look!
47
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:43,120
WOMAN 1: God!
That's not good.
48
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:46,203
-MAN 2: It's shit.
-It's all shit!
49
00:01:46,286 --> 00:01:49,954
Hey, maybe they heard your set.
(LAUGHS)
50
00:01:50,036 --> 00:01:51,912
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
51
00:02:07,203 --> 00:02:09,745
Captain, you ready to do this?
52
00:02:11,370 --> 00:02:13,286
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always
hoped that my last words
53
00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:14,829
might be better than...
54
00:02:14,912 --> 00:02:16,870
"Fuck me, no."
55
00:02:16,954 --> 00:02:18,620
I don't know how
to attach the tether.
56
00:02:18,704 --> 00:02:22,829
There should be an instruction
panel right in front of you.
57
00:02:22,912 --> 00:02:24,662
-(AMERICAN ACCENT)
To attach your safety tether...
58
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,870
-Oh, f...
-...simply grasp the narrow end
of the clamp
59
00:02:27,954 --> 00:02:29,578
to release the G Catch.
60
00:02:29,662 --> 00:02:31,704
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
61
00:02:31,787 --> 00:02:33,578
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, you fucking try it.
62
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,912
BILLIE MCEVOY:
Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...
63
00:02:39,537 --> 00:02:40,578
walk.
64
00:02:44,537 --> 00:02:48,370
So, Captain,
what exactly are you looking at?
65
00:02:48,453 --> 00:02:51,203
-The inside of my eyelids.
-Ha.
66
00:02:51,286 --> 00:02:54,078
Ah.
There appears to be no floor.
67
00:02:57,578 --> 00:03:01,328
Yes, Captain. You--
You really make this look easy.
68
00:03:01,412 --> 00:03:03,662
RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing
around like that? What--
69
00:03:03,745 --> 00:03:05,912
-No. Look. He's upright now.
-Yes.
70
00:03:05,995 --> 00:03:08,787
-Uh, no, just gone back.
-(SIGHS)
71
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:10,036
Where are you going?
72
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,203
I'm gonna do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.
73
00:03:12,286 --> 00:03:15,203
Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?
74
00:03:15,286 --> 00:03:18,620
"Have visuals"?
What's wrong with "see"?
75
00:03:18,704 --> 00:03:20,704
-Or "come back in".
-Engineering?
76
00:03:20,787 --> 00:03:22,537
-Present.
-Yeah, not you.
77
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,954
Looking at wet suit
protocol three now.
78
00:03:25,036 --> 00:03:26,787
Captain Courageous
needs to locate
79
00:03:26,870 --> 00:03:29,995
the lateral access valve
where it intersects with the...
80
00:03:30,078 --> 00:03:32,203
Intersects with the binary caps
81
00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:34,203
from the lower deck.
Did you get that?
82
00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:36,954
All I got from that was,
"You're gonna die out here."
83
00:03:37,036 --> 00:03:39,787
BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel
and turn it off.
84
00:03:39,870 --> 00:03:41,412
Estimate of her velocity,
Captain?
85
00:03:41,495 --> 00:03:44,120
-RYAN CLARK:
I might actually sneeze.
-He can't hear you because...
86
00:03:44,203 --> 00:03:46,161
-well, you know, he's outside--
-RYAN: What happens then?
87
00:03:46,245 --> 00:03:48,412
-Billie, what's the sneezing
protocol in space?
-Good point.
88
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,203
Get me in his ear.
I'll walk him home.
89
00:03:50,286 --> 00:03:51,912
RYAN: Is there one?
90
00:03:51,995 --> 00:03:53,120
Could you look that up?
91
00:03:53,203 --> 00:03:55,078
-Hola.
-Gracias.
92
00:03:55,161 --> 00:03:58,078
Yeah, in other devastating news,
93
00:03:58,161 --> 00:04:00,578
Spike is about to join
the auto comms.
94
00:04:00,662 --> 00:04:02,704
(SCOFFS) The icing on the shit.
95
00:04:02,787 --> 00:04:04,412
SPIKE MARTIN:
I got you now, buddy.
96
00:04:04,495 --> 00:04:08,078
-Whoa! She's a gusher.
-Please don't call it "she."
97
00:04:08,161 --> 00:04:11,829
Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.
98
00:04:11,912 --> 00:04:14,036
BILLIE: (SCOFFS)
I'm gonna go check on a valve.
99
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,203
Billie?
100
00:04:15,286 --> 00:04:17,245
Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man,
you're up.
101
00:04:17,328 --> 00:04:18,662
-Yeah, sure.
-RYAN: Billie?
102
00:04:18,745 --> 00:04:21,995
So, we're just splitting
forward, uh, protocol three.
103
00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:24,495
It's just a... thing we do.
104
00:04:24,578 --> 00:04:26,161
-MAN: We love you, Spike!
-SPIKE: Okay, Captain,
105
00:04:26,245 --> 00:04:28,203
I'm splitting forward
protocol three.
106
00:04:28,286 --> 00:04:31,412
It's just-- It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.
107
00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:33,120
WOMAN: Make way
for the shit shooter.
108
00:04:33,203 --> 00:04:37,370
-Oh God, was that me?
-It's a little bit of all of us.
109
00:04:37,453 --> 00:04:40,120
Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist,
110
00:04:40,203 --> 00:04:42,870
do you wanna press it
with your face? Button dick!
111
00:04:42,954 --> 00:04:44,620
(WHISPERING)
I think she's talking to me.
112
00:04:44,704 --> 00:04:47,620
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
113
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:50,745
RYAN: Yeah, so,
nobody thought to put this
wheel on the inside.
114
00:04:50,829 --> 00:04:52,870
Would that have been
easier at all?
115
00:04:52,954 --> 00:04:55,245
(METAL BANGING)
116
00:04:56,745 --> 00:04:58,745
-Oh! Bugger me.
-Oh no!
117
00:04:58,829 --> 00:05:01,370
Oh, I can taste
last year's breakfast.
118
00:05:01,453 --> 00:05:04,537
Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.
119
00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:07,203
And girls. Uh, women.
120
00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:10,787
Not me, though. Mm-mm.
121
00:05:10,870 --> 00:05:12,620
BILLIE: Other way, other way.
122
00:05:13,745 --> 00:05:14,745
(GASPS)
123
00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:17,912
Don't worry, Captain.
You got this.
124
00:05:17,995 --> 00:05:20,412
(WHISPERS) I've got this.
Turn it this way.
125
00:05:21,912 --> 00:05:23,453
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Of course I've got it!
126
00:05:23,537 --> 00:05:25,286
I was born getting it.
127
00:05:25,370 --> 00:05:27,745
(WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I haven't got it. Help me more.
128
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,036
That's it.
129
00:05:31,745 --> 00:05:34,954
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
130
00:05:35,036 --> 00:05:37,620
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
131
00:05:38,245 --> 00:05:40,078
-Oh!
-Ugh. (SPITS)
132
00:05:42,745 --> 00:05:44,704
(LAUGHING) Yes!
133
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:48,495
-Yeah! (LAUGHS)
-Whoo!
134
00:05:48,578 --> 00:05:50,412
Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!
135
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,286
You're going to the White House?
136
00:05:52,370 --> 00:05:54,286
Oh, yes. Time to do
some corporate begging.
137
00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:55,453
-(GASPS)
-Yes!
138
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,412
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
139
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:03,704
(BILLIE LAUGHS)
140
00:06:03,787 --> 00:06:07,870
HERMAN JUDD: There he is!
There he is. I believed in you!
141
00:06:07,954 --> 00:06:10,995
Unlike Iris. She already
rented out your cabin.
142
00:06:11,078 --> 00:06:12,578
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
That was nothing!
143
00:06:12,662 --> 00:06:14,120
But then, what isn't?
144
00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:16,870
He's so modest,
he could almost be British.
145
00:06:16,954 --> 00:06:18,328
Why the fuck did I say that?
146
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,495
(SIGHS) I think that stuff
is neurodevelopmental.
147
00:06:20,578 --> 00:06:22,286
I was very, very proud of how
148
00:06:22,370 --> 00:06:24,662
Captain Ryan followed
my direction out there.
149
00:06:24,745 --> 00:06:26,787
You were out of depth
on the bridge.
150
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:29,870
Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.
151
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,453
-BILLIE: Right, well--
-(JUDD YELLS)
152
00:06:31,537 --> 00:06:33,120
-(COUGHING, GAGGING)
-(JUDD YELLING)
153
00:06:33,203 --> 00:06:34,578
Fucking balls.
154
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,829
Burn those suits,
they smell like hell!
155
00:06:36,912 --> 00:06:39,495
-I can actually hear that smell.
-(GAGGING)
156
00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:40,912
MATT SPENCER:
Hey, beautiful.
157
00:06:40,995 --> 00:06:43,245
Tonight at midnight, we reach
our furthest point from Earth
158
00:06:43,328 --> 00:06:44,620
and turn around to head back.
159
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,286
I know. Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.
160
00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:49,954
But I'll see you later
at the Halfway Home party.
161
00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:52,203
MAN: Hey, is-- is that true?
162
00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,245
Well, it was true
when I said it.
163
00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:55,704
Like a marriage vow.
164
00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:57,537
And you just kept this up?
165
00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:00,078
Sure. I mean,
we could still have a...
166
00:07:00,161 --> 00:07:01,995
"One Forty-Sixth
of the Way Home" Party.
167
00:07:02,078 --> 00:07:03,829
-SPIKE: Yeah, that could work.
-Spike gets it.
168
00:07:03,912 --> 00:07:06,245
We brought 200,000
dollars' worth of streamers.
169
00:07:06,328 --> 00:07:08,328
The only other use would be
for your funeral.
170
00:07:10,453 --> 00:07:12,286
WOMAN 1:
Hey. It's the shit whisperer.
171
00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:14,161
MAN 1:
Hey, Benjamin Button!
172
00:07:14,245 --> 00:07:15,870
WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking.
173
00:07:15,954 --> 00:07:16,912
MAN 2: Frankenfuck.
174
00:07:16,995 --> 00:07:18,495
MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa.
175
00:07:18,578 --> 00:07:22,954
Wow! Couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?
176
00:07:23,036 --> 00:07:24,620
I mean, I know I could.
177
00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:26,704
And I think you should.
178
00:07:28,412 --> 00:07:29,286
Why?
179
00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:31,787
There's just so much
to explore, baby.
180
00:07:31,870 --> 00:07:34,954
We have booze. Right?
Who doesn't love booze?
181
00:07:35,036 --> 00:07:37,161
And--
And four books--
182
00:07:37,245 --> 00:07:40,036
five books here!
I mean that's just-- right?
183
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,370
All I did was...
184
00:07:42,036 --> 00:07:43,328
And then they...
185
00:07:44,203 --> 00:07:45,245
And the--
186
00:07:47,912 --> 00:07:48,995
Don't ever sit.
187
00:07:51,036 --> 00:07:53,161
Inflate one thousand balloons.
188
00:07:57,995 --> 00:08:00,328
I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.
189
00:08:00,412 --> 00:08:02,662
Oh, wow. So it's true.
The show really does go on.
190
00:08:02,745 --> 00:08:05,036
It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight
191
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,495
even if this was
a burned-out hulk
192
00:08:06,578 --> 00:08:08,954
full of space junk
and dead animals.
193
00:08:09,036 --> 00:08:10,078
So...
194
00:08:11,286 --> 00:08:12,286
Jokes.
195
00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:14,495
Do some.
196
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,662
-Okay, what makes you laugh?
-Comedy.
197
00:08:16,745 --> 00:08:19,912
-Obviously.
-And sometimes tragedy.
198
00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:23,036
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction,
199
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,286
non-fatal hunting accidents,
200
00:08:25,370 --> 00:08:26,620
waving at someone
you think you know
201
00:08:26,704 --> 00:08:29,495
but it turns out to be
a stranger, that sort of thing.
202
00:08:29,578 --> 00:08:30,995
Now, make it topical.
203
00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:33,120
Mention "it,"
but don't mention it.
204
00:08:33,203 --> 00:08:35,078
"It"? That's horrible.
205
00:08:36,453 --> 00:08:37,870
Go.
206
00:08:37,954 --> 00:08:40,412
-Okay, I could start with--
-It's not called "sit-down."
207
00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:50,620
I can start with...
208
00:08:51,286 --> 00:08:52,370
"This is some hot shit."
209
00:08:52,453 --> 00:08:54,745
You know it's actually
extremely cold in space?
210
00:08:54,829 --> 00:08:56,161
Are you gonna do this
the whole way through?
211
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:59,120
Yes. And I'd say you're
a heckler's wet dream right now.
212
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:04,245
(ENGLISH ACCENT) You see
what I did? Did you see--
213
00:09:04,328 --> 00:09:06,704
I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,
214
00:09:06,787 --> 00:09:08,912
went out there,
and fixed a spaceship.
215
00:09:08,995 --> 00:09:10,203
I know.
216
00:09:10,286 --> 00:09:12,954
I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.
217
00:09:13,036 --> 00:09:14,995
-Who's Frank?
-My husband.
218
00:09:15,078 --> 00:09:17,245
Oh! Do you mind
if we don't talk about him?
219
00:09:17,328 --> 00:09:20,912
He's-- He's only there to stop
his skeleton from falling over.
220
00:09:20,995 --> 00:09:22,578
Christ,
I'm coming off my fucking nut.
221
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:24,704
I feel like I could
kill and eat a man.
222
00:09:24,787 --> 00:09:28,578
Oh, God! Just fuck me and
don't even give me your name.
223
00:09:28,662 --> 00:09:29,912
Okay! So...
224
00:09:29,995 --> 00:09:32,412
somebody needs
some soap for their mouth
225
00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:35,036
and a hot toddy
for their mood. Sit.
226
00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:38,578
-(RYAN SIGHS)
-Chill.
227
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:41,829
I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.
228
00:09:41,912 --> 00:09:43,704
I don't know what I'm doing.
229
00:09:43,787 --> 00:09:46,245
I don't know how anybody knows
what they're doing.
230
00:09:46,328 --> 00:09:47,453
Does anybody know
what they're doing?
231
00:09:47,537 --> 00:09:49,370
How does anything work?
Does anybody know?
232
00:09:49,453 --> 00:09:51,328
How-- I mean who knows
how that door works?
233
00:09:51,412 --> 00:09:52,412
KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work.
234
00:09:52,495 --> 00:09:54,537
Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work.
235
00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:55,829
And look at this.
236
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,495
I mean, how am I doing that?
237
00:09:58,578 --> 00:10:02,245
I do not know how the fuck
I'm doing that.
238
00:10:03,161 --> 00:10:04,787
-Drink this.
-Now you--
239
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:05,995
See, orifices!
240
00:10:06,078 --> 00:10:08,912
They're all over us! Well,
that can't be safe, can it?
241
00:10:08,995 --> 00:10:10,078
You know what's ironic?
242
00:10:10,161 --> 00:10:11,995
I just left a man
who can't finish his sentence,
243
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,704
and here you are, and you
just can't shut the F up.
244
00:10:14,787 --> 00:10:16,495
(PHONE RINGS)
245
00:10:16,578 --> 00:10:18,120
-Hi.
-Hi!
246
00:10:18,203 --> 00:10:19,537
I feel a bit trapped.
247
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,704
Well honey, we're all trapped.
248
00:10:22,662 --> 00:10:26,870
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
249
00:10:26,954 --> 00:10:29,537
Oh, no.
There it floats.
250
00:10:30,245 --> 00:10:31,745
Oh, bollocks.
251
00:10:33,537 --> 00:10:36,620
Oh, can everything
just fuck off?
252
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,954
Wait, is that--
Was that Captain Ryan?
253
00:10:39,036 --> 00:10:43,161
(STAMMERS)
Ah-- Oh! Uh... It-- It was not.
254
00:10:43,245 --> 00:10:47,495
In fact, I will be back soon,
tootsie roll, okay?
255
00:10:47,578 --> 00:10:49,036
(PHONE HANGS UP)
256
00:10:50,745 --> 00:10:53,286
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
257
00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:54,829
MATT: I'll see you all tonight.
258
00:10:54,912 --> 00:10:56,745
Bring your children.
259
00:10:56,829 --> 00:10:58,995
Unless they have
behavioral disorders.
260
00:10:59,078 --> 00:11:01,036
And bring them, too.
It's a party!
261
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,578
♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪
262
00:11:07,412 --> 00:11:09,203
Hey, I don't wanna get you
overexcited,
263
00:11:09,286 --> 00:11:12,161
but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods--
264
00:11:12,245 --> 00:11:13,286
I don't get overexcited.
265
00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:15,245
I'm always the same
fucking level of excited.
266
00:11:15,328 --> 00:11:17,203
-Right, Iris?
-Yes.
267
00:11:17,286 --> 00:11:19,245
I'll have another shot
of water, please.
268
00:11:19,328 --> 00:11:22,578
All right! Let's go yell
in some people's faces!
269
00:11:23,829 --> 00:11:25,954
(YELLS)
270
00:11:26,036 --> 00:11:28,704
IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher
271
00:11:28,787 --> 00:11:30,161
-JUDD: Hey!
-I apologize. These are...
272
00:11:30,245 --> 00:11:32,495
-JUDD: You don't need this!
-...valid anywhere on the ship.
273
00:11:32,578 --> 00:11:34,829
Take the French fries.
Leave the beer.
274
00:11:34,912 --> 00:11:37,203
I'm so sorry. These are valid
everywhere on the ship
275
00:11:37,286 --> 00:11:38,495
-except the golf course.
-All right...
276
00:11:38,578 --> 00:11:39,954
Oh, really?
Can I get one of those?
277
00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:40,870
Oh!
278
00:11:40,954 --> 00:11:41,870
-Hey.
-Hey, Billie.
279
00:11:41,954 --> 00:11:43,245
-You look nice.
-So do you.
280
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,120
I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship" casual.
281
00:11:46,203 --> 00:11:47,537
(LAUGHS)
"We" just saved the ship.
282
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:48,745
-What did I say?
-Yeah.
283
00:11:48,829 --> 00:11:51,203
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
-(AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey!
284
00:11:51,286 --> 00:11:53,328
-Come on. Stop that.
-Stop.
285
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,453
-Stop it.
-Thank you.
286
00:11:55,537 --> 00:11:58,203
-We were just doing our job.
-I was just doing my job.
287
00:11:58,286 --> 00:12:00,078
We just did what we had to do.
288
00:12:00,161 --> 00:12:01,537
-I did what I had to do.
-Thank you.
289
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:04,036
Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS)
Did you see me out there?
290
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,495
Do you understand,
I've not slept a wink
since you freaked me out.
291
00:12:06,578 --> 00:12:08,495
I'm writing my jokes
on tissue paper.
292
00:12:08,578 --> 00:12:09,829
Who does that these days?
293
00:12:09,912 --> 00:12:11,954
We can delay the start
by five minutes.
294
00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:15,662
Are you sure
it's safe for me here?
295
00:12:15,745 --> 00:12:18,245
-I'm getting sneering looks.
-Oh, honey, relax.
296
00:12:18,328 --> 00:12:20,745
Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.
297
00:12:20,829 --> 00:12:24,161
Oh my god, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.
298
00:12:24,245 --> 00:12:25,578
Listen, with him wearing that,
299
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,870
I guarantee nobody
is thinking about you.
300
00:12:27,954 --> 00:12:30,120
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
We make a really great team.
301
00:12:30,203 --> 00:12:32,912
You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.
302
00:12:32,995 --> 00:12:35,412
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably
303
00:12:35,495 --> 00:12:37,578
livestreaming the whole thing
all over the world.
304
00:12:37,662 --> 00:12:39,745
So right now,
I'm probably more famous
305
00:12:39,829 --> 00:12:41,870
than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.
306
00:12:41,954 --> 00:12:43,620
-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.
307
00:12:43,704 --> 00:12:44,954
Those two are an item.
308
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:47,203
-Those two? No.
-Yeah.
309
00:12:47,286 --> 00:12:49,370
-Yeah.
-No. Nuh-uh. No.
310
00:12:49,453 --> 00:12:50,578
She's not his type.
311
00:12:51,328 --> 00:12:52,745
I mean, I think he would...
312
00:12:52,829 --> 00:12:55,328
I think he would probably want
an older woman,
313
00:12:55,412 --> 00:12:58,870
you know, a woman
who's more, like, mature.
314
00:12:58,954 --> 00:13:00,453
The way I see it, like...
(STAMMERS)
315
00:13:00,537 --> 00:13:01,787
twenty-five hundred women
on board?
316
00:13:01,870 --> 00:13:03,286
At least seven hundred of them,
317
00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:06,036
I would totally want
a consensual meeting with.
318
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,412
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
319
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,578
I am gonna get me
some informed consent tonight.
320
00:13:09,662 --> 00:13:11,620
Just some sweet, sweet
informed consent
321
00:13:11,704 --> 00:13:13,120
from a strong
autonomous woman--
322
00:13:13,203 --> 00:13:16,245
Hey guys, did you hear that?
I-- I think that was the sound
323
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,495
of seven hundred vaginas
snapping shut.
324
00:13:18,578 --> 00:13:19,870
-It's not.
-(MIA EXHALES)
325
00:13:19,954 --> 00:13:23,870
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,
326
00:13:23,954 --> 00:13:27,078
so I am gonna go out
and get my body slammed.
327
00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:28,453
And it's okay that she said--
328
00:13:28,537 --> 00:13:30,203
-We're-- We're separated.
-Oh.
329
00:13:30,286 --> 00:13:32,120
They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.
330
00:13:32,203 --> 00:13:33,286
Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
331
00:13:33,370 --> 00:13:34,328
-We should...
-Yeah, we should.
332
00:13:34,412 --> 00:13:36,453
I'll freshen up
and see you down there.
333
00:13:36,537 --> 00:13:38,328
That means he has to
have a little cry.
334
00:13:38,412 --> 00:13:39,328
I really don't.
335
00:13:39,412 --> 00:13:41,745
-Shots?
-You know, I usually don't drink
336
00:13:41,829 --> 00:13:43,912
because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.
337
00:13:43,995 --> 00:13:45,161
As opposed to?
338
00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:46,453
Hey, everyone.
339
00:13:46,537 --> 00:13:48,120
Welcome
to the Halfway Home party.
340
00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,704
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
341
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,995
Now, in a second,
I'm gonna bring out
342
00:13:52,078 --> 00:13:54,578
our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
343
00:13:54,662 --> 00:13:57,328
He is... (CHUCKLES)
...extremely nervous.
344
00:13:57,412 --> 00:13:59,578
Okay? But I know you guys
are gonna love him.
345
00:13:59,662 --> 00:14:00,662
Right?
346
00:14:00,745 --> 00:14:02,161
-WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah.
-MAN: Hey.
347
00:14:02,245 --> 00:14:03,912
-(WEAK APPLAUSE)
-Okay. Okay.
348
00:14:03,995 --> 00:14:05,745
I think that's probably gonna
make him more nervous
349
00:14:05,829 --> 00:14:07,161
'cause it was
pretty underwhelming.
350
00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,912
Let's try it again, right?
351
00:14:08,995 --> 00:14:10,787
Are you excited
for Jordan Hatwal?
352
00:14:10,870 --> 00:14:12,912
(CHEERING)
353
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,704
Okay, okay.
354
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,161
(LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think
he can live up to that.
355
00:14:17,245 --> 00:14:18,412
You know, if he was that good,
356
00:14:18,495 --> 00:14:20,662
he'd probably be doing
arena shows on Earth.
357
00:14:20,745 --> 00:14:22,912
Um... But...
358
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:25,704
Now that I've lowered
your expectations again,
359
00:14:25,787 --> 00:14:28,245
I think you might be
pleasantly surprised
360
00:14:28,328 --> 00:14:32,495
by the competent, workmanlike
comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
361
00:14:32,578 --> 00:14:35,078
But before he comes out
to win you over
362
00:14:35,161 --> 00:14:36,995
or die horribly,
363
00:14:37,078 --> 00:14:39,829
I want to give
a big round of applause
364
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:42,537
to our heroes,
Captain Ryan Clark...
365
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:44,912
-♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
366
00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:48,078
(WHOOPS)
367
00:14:51,078 --> 00:14:52,912
-...and...
-Billie McEvoy!
368
00:14:52,995 --> 00:14:56,036
...former astronaut
Spike Martin.
369
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,370
What?
370
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:02,912
Okay.
Jordan, are you ready to go?
371
00:15:02,995 --> 00:15:03,787
Yep.
372
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,870
Listen to him,
he's nervous, right?
373
00:15:05,954 --> 00:15:07,495
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Yeah! Okay!
374
00:15:07,578 --> 00:15:09,078
Please put your hands together
375
00:15:09,161 --> 00:15:13,328
or silently reserve judgement
for Jordan Hatwal.
376
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:16,495
(WHOOPS AND CHEERS)
377
00:15:16,578 --> 00:15:19,120
JORDAN HATWAL: All right.
Hey, how you doin'?
378
00:15:19,829 --> 00:15:21,036
Uh...
379
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,787
I've been asleep for the last
120 hours, what did I miss?
380
00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:24,370
We're stuck up here
for three years.
381
00:15:24,453 --> 00:15:26,912
Okay, guys.
That was his first joke,
382
00:15:26,995 --> 00:15:28,412
so you can laugh,
it's okay to laugh.
383
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,453
Matt, don't--
Don't do that.
384
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:30,829
I'm just--
I'm just trying to help.
385
00:15:30,912 --> 00:15:33,453
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's--
it's hard doing, uh,
386
00:15:33,537 --> 00:15:35,829
a Halfway Home gig when,
I mean, we're not even halfway--
387
00:15:35,912 --> 00:15:38,286
-Ah! I vetoed that angle.
-Uh... okay.
388
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:41,453
Guys, pretend that
we're 21 months into the voyage.
389
00:15:41,537 --> 00:15:43,245
Right?
Is-- is that helpful?
390
00:15:43,328 --> 00:15:44,370
-JORDAN: No.
-Yes.
391
00:15:44,453 --> 00:15:46,036
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't--
It's not helpful.
392
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,620
Do you want-- Do you wanna
come up here and do the set?
393
00:15:48,704 --> 00:15:49,870
Sure, yeah.
394
00:15:49,954 --> 00:15:51,787
I wasn't actually asking.
(LAUGHS)
395
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:53,328
Oh, you were joking?
396
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:55,161
Yep, that was a joke.
397
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,620
That's what I'm here to do.
398
00:15:56,704 --> 00:15:58,787
It's like the joke police
over here.
399
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,620
Anyway, shoehorns...
400
00:16:00,704 --> 00:16:04,036
-pretty weird, aren't they?
-(LAUGHS) Yes!
401
00:16:04,912 --> 00:16:05,787
(NADIA GIGGLING)
402
00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:06,995
MAN: Thank you for your service!
403
00:16:07,078 --> 00:16:09,120
You're real-life heroes!
404
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,578
-NADIA: People loved us.
-No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
405
00:16:11,662 --> 00:16:14,370
I don't get it. I just don't--
I don't get this, this--
406
00:16:14,453 --> 00:16:16,453
I arm-wrestled with space
407
00:16:16,537 --> 00:16:19,704
-and I won, so that was me.
-Speaking of arms,
408
00:16:19,787 --> 00:16:21,662
-yours are so firm.
-Oh?
409
00:16:21,745 --> 00:16:24,662
How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?
410
00:16:24,745 --> 00:16:26,161
(BOTH LAUGH)
411
00:16:26,245 --> 00:16:29,328
(STUTTERS) Well, f-- f-- firm
is my middle name.
412
00:16:29,412 --> 00:16:30,995
What's your first name?
413
00:16:31,078 --> 00:16:33,078
-Colin.
-Colin Firm.
414
00:16:33,161 --> 00:16:35,286
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
415
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,620
Oh, is that Italian?
416
00:16:37,704 --> 00:16:38,704
-No, it's actu--
-Who cares?
417
00:16:38,787 --> 00:16:39,829
-Okay.
-Okay.
418
00:16:39,912 --> 00:16:42,745
Oh! Guess who else
will be on the prowl tonight?
419
00:16:42,829 --> 00:16:45,954
Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen.
420
00:16:46,036 --> 00:16:50,620
He's as horny and as hairy
as a tomcat, and I should know,
421
00:16:50,704 --> 00:16:54,370
because back in the day,
he put a baby up me.
422
00:16:54,453 --> 00:16:55,745
-Wow!
-Wow.
423
00:16:55,829 --> 00:16:59,245
Was your oxygen restricted in
your early developmental years?
424
00:16:59,328 --> 00:17:02,245
Oh, you can't wash
the shame away, Frank.
425
00:17:02,328 --> 00:17:04,578
Next time leave it
to the professionals,
426
00:17:04,662 --> 00:17:05,870
you silly man.
427
00:17:05,954 --> 00:17:08,245
Why can't the Captain
be a womanizer?
428
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:09,912
Or a man-anizer?
429
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:11,161
He can do what he wants.
430
00:17:11,245 --> 00:17:12,370
I actually don't care
at this point.
431
00:17:12,453 --> 00:17:15,370
-Captain Clark is a sex man?
-SARAH: He's a dog.
432
00:17:15,453 --> 00:17:17,537
Hey, fuck it.
Shall we start a conga?
433
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:18,870
-(ALL CHEERING)
-Let's do a conga.
434
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,328
-Whoo!
-Frank, come on.
435
00:17:20,412 --> 00:17:22,787
-NADIA: Allez.
-SARAH: Hey, hey, hey.
436
00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:24,829
(SINGING)
♪ He cannot press a button ♪
437
00:17:24,912 --> 00:17:26,787
-Whoo!
-♪ Doo doo doo ♪
438
00:17:26,870 --> 00:17:29,995
♪ (SINGING CONTINUES) ♪
439
00:17:30,078 --> 00:17:31,412
MIA: Come on,
let's get outta here. Okay!
440
00:17:31,495 --> 00:17:33,453
-SARAH:
♪ He always fucks it up ♪
-NADIA: Fucks it up!
441
00:17:33,537 --> 00:17:35,286
-(MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry.
-JORDAN: Oh, check it out.
442
00:17:35,370 --> 00:17:37,036
-(MIA GIGGLING)
-(JORDAN CHUCKLES)
443
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,745
Uh, first person that's laughed
in quite some time.
444
00:17:39,829 --> 00:17:41,161
Hey, you wanna
come back to my place?
445
00:17:41,245 --> 00:17:42,912
Sure, yeah, I'll take it
where I can get it.
446
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:45,662
-A hole's a hole.
-Oh... No, thank you.
447
00:17:45,745 --> 00:17:47,036
I-- I have
a flight simulation game
448
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,829
I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.
449
00:17:48,912 --> 00:17:51,245
Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down
the sexual hatches.
450
00:17:51,328 --> 00:17:52,829
Let's fly some ships.
451
00:17:52,912 --> 00:17:56,203
Uh... So, um...
Do you remember the, uh,
452
00:17:56,286 --> 00:17:58,912
the phones that you had to
plug in to charge?
453
00:17:58,995 --> 00:17:59,995
Yes, I do.
454
00:18:00,787 --> 00:18:03,203
Yeah, well, they...
455
00:18:04,328 --> 00:18:05,662
They were, um...
456
00:18:06,578 --> 00:18:10,078
Uh... no.
No, that one's gone.
457
00:18:10,161 --> 00:18:11,286
Just give it a second.
458
00:18:11,370 --> 00:18:12,995
'Cause this could be good
when you think of it.
459
00:18:13,078 --> 00:18:15,412
-IRIS: They had a cord.
-They had a cord, yeah.
460
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,829
I don't think that was
the punchline, though. Um...
461
00:18:18,453 --> 00:18:19,745
Promote the beer.
462
00:18:19,829 --> 00:18:21,245
(PHONE RINGS)
463
00:18:23,245 --> 00:18:25,578
-RYAN: Hey!
-You can probably tell from
our expressions that, uh...
464
00:18:25,662 --> 00:18:28,286
-we need to talk face-to-face.
-Oh, no, no, no. You're talking.
You should-- no.
465
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:30,286
'Cause I called you,
so you should really wait.
466
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:32,662
-Anyway, doesn't matter.
-Ryan, we have to
tell you something.
467
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,203
-I know, it was impressive--
-Now, it's not bad.
468
00:18:35,286 --> 00:18:37,245
(STAMMERS) Wait-- What--
What do you mean, "bad"?
469
00:18:37,328 --> 00:18:38,954
We love you, but...
470
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,829
we didn't sign up for three
and a half years, and...
471
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,161
-with that crazy spacewalk...
-RYAN: Ah, yes.
472
00:18:44,245 --> 00:18:46,120
-CRIS: ...we can't--
-You're looking
at a hero, basically.
473
00:18:46,203 --> 00:18:48,495
-We can't take the stress.
-The wh-- what?
474
00:18:48,578 --> 00:18:50,203
You lose the plot,
you lose your slot.
475
00:18:50,286 --> 00:18:54,328
"Slot"? This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court.
476
00:18:54,412 --> 00:18:55,620
We're getting trivorced.
477
00:18:55,704 --> 00:18:57,245
Two-thirds majority.
Motion carried.
478
00:18:57,328 --> 00:18:59,745
-What about our vows?
"Hand in hand in hand"?
-CRIS: No, sorry.
479
00:19:03,412 --> 00:19:05,829
And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on...
480
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,578
uh, on her dress, and...
481
00:19:08,453 --> 00:19:09,829
That was the end of...
482
00:19:09,912 --> 00:19:12,120
end of prom and, um...
483
00:19:12,203 --> 00:19:13,954
that's the first time
I had a drink.
484
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:15,829
Uh, but it was a Judd Light,
485
00:19:15,912 --> 00:19:18,620
and Judd Light is available
throughout the ship.
486
00:19:18,704 --> 00:19:21,704
Um, it's, a-- a liquid party.
487
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,995
I'm right in here.
(GIGGLES)
488
00:19:26,078 --> 00:19:28,203
-What are you doing?
-(MUMBLES)
489
00:19:28,286 --> 00:19:29,954
-What?
-Just going in my room.
490
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,704
-Why are you here?
-It's my room.
491
00:19:31,787 --> 00:19:33,745
If you're trying to trick us
into a foursome,
492
00:19:33,829 --> 00:19:35,245
there's no tricking needed.
493
00:19:35,328 --> 00:19:37,537
This isn't a foursome,
it's a twosome.
494
00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:39,704
-I'm easy.
-You guys stay here.
495
00:19:41,078 --> 00:19:42,495
MIA: Why'd you bring
the peat bog man?
496
00:19:42,578 --> 00:19:43,829
DOUG: We're going
on my flight simulator.
497
00:19:43,912 --> 00:19:45,203
MIA: Well, you need to
vacate the room
498
00:19:45,286 --> 00:19:46,578
because I'll be
making love everywhere.
499
00:19:46,662 --> 00:19:49,120
Hey, yeah, we could--
we could go to yours.
500
00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:51,203
-Can I keep that as a backup?
-Oh, sure, yeah.
501
00:19:51,286 --> 00:19:53,036
Give 'em a minute,
see what pans out.
502
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,704
MIA: Colin Firm, get in here!
503
00:19:54,787 --> 00:19:55,704
What?
504
00:19:55,787 --> 00:19:58,078
Sorry, Doug,
the viewing gallery is closed.
505
00:19:58,912 --> 00:20:00,870
Come on.
Let's just do it quickly.
506
00:20:00,954 --> 00:20:01,995
-MADS: No...
-MIA: No, no, no.
507
00:20:02,078 --> 00:20:03,578
-Just do it quickly, before he--
-Do it!
508
00:20:03,662 --> 00:20:05,078
-MIA: Who cares about him?
-MADS: No no, I--
509
00:20:05,161 --> 00:20:06,995
-Do it! Do it!
-MIA: You want it, you want it.
510
00:20:07,078 --> 00:20:08,328
Don't be a pussy, Colin!
511
00:20:08,412 --> 00:20:10,370
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry-- I wasn't
trained for this, I'm sorry.
512
00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,704
This reminds me of my last days
513
00:20:11,787 --> 00:20:13,161
on the International
Space Station.
514
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,286
That was a scene!
515
00:20:16,245 --> 00:20:17,537
I ruined it for her.
516
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:19,161
(VOICE BREAKING)
So I won.
517
00:20:19,245 --> 00:20:20,495
(SOBS)
518
00:20:20,578 --> 00:20:22,954
So, my last relationship
didn't end well.
519
00:20:23,036 --> 00:20:26,120
Uh, but-- Well, in some ways
you could say it did.
520
00:20:26,203 --> 00:20:28,912
'Cause my girlfriend
fell down a well.
521
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,161
Gravity, what a downer.
522
00:20:30,245 --> 00:20:33,412
JUDD: No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh. No. No.
523
00:20:33,495 --> 00:20:35,412
Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone.
524
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,578
No, hold your applause.
525
00:20:37,662 --> 00:20:40,453
Four people died
because of that gravity fail.
526
00:20:40,537 --> 00:20:42,453
Don't joke about
stuff like that.
527
00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:47,495
Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,
528
00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:50,245
'cause of those kind of jokes.
529
00:20:50,328 --> 00:20:52,704
JORDAN:
She didn't, she just left me--
530
00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,036
I was gonna
say a few words later,
531
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,078
but now that "Uhhh"
532
00:20:57,161 --> 00:20:59,995
sucked all the good energy
out of the room and just...
533
00:21:00,078 --> 00:21:03,662
flushed it out into space
like... (SPLUTTERS)
534
00:21:04,537 --> 00:21:05,954
I'm just gonna read it now.
535
00:21:08,453 --> 00:21:10,954
"As you know, this was
meant to be the halfway point,
536
00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:12,578
but we're not halfway.
537
00:21:12,662 --> 00:21:13,620
And yet, in so many ways,
538
00:21:13,704 --> 00:21:15,870
we're more... (SNIFFLES)
...than halfway."
539
00:21:16,870 --> 00:21:18,453
-Iris, who wrote this?
-I did.
540
00:21:18,537 --> 00:21:20,036
And is it like this
all the way through,
541
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,453
or does it get any better?
542
00:21:21,537 --> 00:21:23,704
Well, that was the best part,
and you kind of threw it away.
543
00:21:23,787 --> 00:21:25,704
Fuck!
544
00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:27,036
All right.
545
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,745
"Because we've come
a long way,
546
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,161
and I'm proud of you
547
00:21:30,537 --> 00:21:31,912
and of me,
548
00:21:31,995 --> 00:21:35,453
and I'm inspired
by you and me."
549
00:21:35,537 --> 00:21:37,787
(EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just
gonna skip to the end.
550
00:21:37,870 --> 00:21:39,328
-Yep.
-JUDD: All right.
551
00:21:39,412 --> 00:21:40,954
"We can do this!
We're nearly there!
552
00:21:41,036 --> 00:21:42,620
We're not, but we are!"
553
00:21:42,704 --> 00:21:45,578
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
554
00:21:51,662 --> 00:21:53,203
Ever been to Buffalo before?
555
00:21:53,286 --> 00:21:55,120
-(RAV'S PHONE RINGS)
-It's changed a lot
556
00:21:55,203 --> 00:21:56,704
since they moved
the White House there.
557
00:21:56,787 --> 00:21:58,829
-For a start--
-RAV: Shut up.
558
00:21:58,912 --> 00:22:01,078
Alan, this better not be
bad news. I--
559
00:22:02,078 --> 00:22:03,495
What the fuck is that?
560
00:22:03,578 --> 00:22:06,412
ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of
the, uh, residual matter
561
00:22:06,495 --> 00:22:09,078
hasn't escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.
562
00:22:11,662 --> 00:22:13,078
Okay. Well...
563
00:22:13,995 --> 00:22:14,995
It's a ring of shit.
564
00:22:15,078 --> 00:22:16,245
-ALAN: Mm.
-A ring of shit?
565
00:22:16,328 --> 00:22:17,995
Could you just--?
Back to the book.
566
00:22:18,078 --> 00:22:20,078
On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.
567
00:22:20,954 --> 00:22:22,120
Oh, no. There's one.
568
00:22:24,662 --> 00:22:28,078
Get ready to pretend we're
ten minutes to halfway there.
569
00:22:28,161 --> 00:22:29,870
Mmm!
570
00:22:29,954 --> 00:22:31,078
Could I get
another one of those?
571
00:22:31,161 --> 00:22:32,370
-WAITRESS: Sure.
-BILLIE: Um...
572
00:22:32,453 --> 00:22:36,453
Billie, don't ever, ever show
anyone your feelings.
573
00:22:36,537 --> 00:22:39,620
All right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.
574
00:22:39,704 --> 00:22:41,495
Scrunch them up
into a little tiny ball
575
00:22:41,578 --> 00:22:43,203
and then just... (GROWLS)
576
00:22:43,286 --> 00:22:45,662
Grow a couple of ulcers
if you wanna mark the spot,
577
00:22:45,745 --> 00:22:49,537
but otherwise, just smile,
pretend everything's fine.
578
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:53,203
-You're not a happy drunk.
-I'm not a happy anything.
579
00:22:53,286 --> 00:22:55,704
-MAN: You the man!
-(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hi, there. Hey.
580
00:22:55,787 --> 00:22:58,286
JUDD: Is it-- Why is
the shit still outside there?
581
00:22:58,995 --> 00:23:00,078
(YELLS)
Iris!
582
00:23:00,745 --> 00:23:02,245
It's getting thicker.
583
00:23:02,328 --> 00:23:03,954
IRIS: We're--
We're working on it.
584
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:08,203
All right, that's Mr. Judd,
everybody. Give it up.
585
00:23:08,286 --> 00:23:09,370
-(FAINT APPLAUSE)
-(TAPS MICROPHONE)
586
00:23:09,453 --> 00:23:10,870
-SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on.
-I know it's on--
587
00:23:10,954 --> 00:23:13,203
MAN: You're gonna have to
compensate us for this.
588
00:23:13,286 --> 00:23:14,704
This is your fault.
589
00:23:14,787 --> 00:23:16,620
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
590
00:23:16,704 --> 00:23:18,120
He hit the big brown button.
591
00:23:18,203 --> 00:23:20,620
-MAN: Yeah.
-You mean, shit the button.
592
00:23:20,704 --> 00:23:22,120
See, that's comedy, man.
593
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:24,245
That right there is comedy,
word play.
594
00:23:24,328 --> 00:23:25,495
(CHUCKLES) I love it.
595
00:23:25,578 --> 00:23:28,286
Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit
596
00:23:28,370 --> 00:23:29,745
outside of your room?
597
00:23:29,829 --> 00:23:33,203
(CHUCKLING) The shit
is already outside my room.
598
00:23:33,286 --> 00:23:35,078
Okay. Then I'll come take a shit
599
00:23:35,161 --> 00:23:37,161
-inside your room.
-(AUDIENCE JEERING)
600
00:23:37,245 --> 00:23:39,745
I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.
601
00:23:39,829 --> 00:23:41,620
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
602
00:23:41,704 --> 00:23:44,245
We should shit Frank
out the airlock.
603
00:23:44,328 --> 00:23:47,161
You hurt him without my consent
and involvement
604
00:23:47,245 --> 00:23:49,412
and I will harm you deeply.
605
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:52,245
(CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out.
606
00:23:52,328 --> 00:23:54,954
-(AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT)
-WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah.
607
00:23:55,036 --> 00:23:57,495
-Shit him out! (LAUGHS)
-Shit him out!
608
00:23:57,578 --> 00:23:58,745
Shit him out!
609
00:23:58,829 --> 00:24:00,745
JORDAN: Guys,
come on, calm down.
610
00:24:00,829 --> 00:24:02,453
-Whoo! Shit him out!
-Shit him out!
611
00:24:02,537 --> 00:24:05,120
Hey, who remembers
the last Oscars? That was
a real shitshow, wasn't it?
612
00:24:05,203 --> 00:24:06,787
They gave an award to a sparrow.
613
00:24:06,870 --> 00:24:08,203
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have...
614
00:24:08,286 --> 00:24:10,036
Do you have a whistle you can
blow to keep him under control?
615
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,537
-Shit him out!
-IRIS: When he gets like this,
616
00:24:11,620 --> 00:24:13,453
it's best to just let him
wear himself out.
617
00:24:13,537 --> 00:24:15,954
-Security! Shit him the shit...
-FRANK KELLY: All right,
all right, I understand you're--
618
00:24:16,036 --> 00:24:17,286
...out of the airlock
and into the shit!
619
00:24:17,370 --> 00:24:19,245
KAREN: You need to shut the F up
620
00:24:19,328 --> 00:24:22,286
before I knock you the F--
Frank!
621
00:24:22,370 --> 00:24:23,370
-Frank!
-Shit him out!
622
00:24:23,453 --> 00:24:26,203
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
623
00:24:26,745 --> 00:24:28,286
Frank! Frank!
624
00:24:28,370 --> 00:24:30,870
Hey! Put him down, he's mine!
625
00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:33,912
No! Stop murdering someone!
626
00:24:33,995 --> 00:24:35,078
Frank!
627
00:24:35,161 --> 00:24:37,078
(CLAMORING AND CHANTING)
628
00:24:37,620 --> 00:24:39,036
Do something!
629
00:24:40,954 --> 00:24:43,662
Well, I guess things are looking
up for-- Oh, thank fuck.
630
00:24:43,745 --> 00:24:45,995
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
631
00:24:46,078 --> 00:24:48,120
-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
-(CROWD SILENCES)
632
00:24:48,203 --> 00:24:51,161
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Calm... and I cannot
stress this enough...
633
00:24:51,245 --> 00:24:53,995
(YELLS) the fuck down!
634
00:24:54,078 --> 00:24:57,161
Mr. Judd did not mean
shit anybody out.
635
00:24:57,245 --> 00:24:59,328
He was making a joke.
636
00:24:59,412 --> 00:25:00,704
(SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah.
637
00:25:00,787 --> 00:25:03,120
You guys
don't understand comedy.
638
00:25:03,203 --> 00:25:04,161
I do.
639
00:25:04,245 --> 00:25:07,203
What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.
640
00:25:07,286 --> 00:25:10,078
Uh... right, and the comedy
was, may I say,
641
00:25:10,161 --> 00:25:13,578
exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy, who...
642
00:25:13,662 --> 00:25:16,829
I assume was abused by
a punchline when he was a kid.
643
00:25:16,912 --> 00:25:17,870
(CROWD LAUGHS)
644
00:25:17,995 --> 00:25:19,453
-Oh, come on!
-RYAN: Taking his revenge--
645
00:25:19,537 --> 00:25:20,912
Do you mind? Please!
646
00:25:20,995 --> 00:25:24,328
Okay, security, can we--
can we bring Frank back down?
647
00:25:24,412 --> 00:25:26,704
Right? Let's bring--
Let's bring Frank back down.
648
00:25:26,787 --> 00:25:28,370
-(MUTTERING) Oh, thank God.
-MAN: Whoo!
649
00:25:28,453 --> 00:25:29,495
RYAN: Thank you.
650
00:25:29,578 --> 00:25:31,829
And can we, uh,
render him vertical?
651
00:25:32,787 --> 00:25:34,328
There we go.
652
00:25:34,412 --> 00:25:37,370
Okay. Now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?
653
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:38,537
A big rocket?
654
00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:39,412
Uh, no.
655
00:25:39,495 --> 00:25:41,370
That--
Well, yes, that would be...
656
00:25:41,453 --> 00:25:43,704
Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.
657
00:25:43,787 --> 00:25:45,203
Captain Ryan saved you, okay?
658
00:25:45,286 --> 00:25:48,036
So you just owe him
a big handshake.
659
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:49,954
-Go on. Go ahead.
-RYAN: Teamwork.
660
00:25:50,036 --> 00:25:52,870
We together as a team.
All right?
661
00:25:52,954 --> 00:25:55,412
Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.
662
00:25:55,495 --> 00:25:57,286
We can be like... bricks
663
00:25:57,370 --> 00:25:58,829
in one of those Mexican palaces
664
00:25:58,912 --> 00:26:01,245
with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps--
665
00:26:01,328 --> 00:26:02,912
-(FRANK GRUNTS)
-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
666
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:04,078
-Frank!
-MAN: Whoa.
667
00:26:04,161 --> 00:26:07,704
(YELLS) You stay away
from my wife, you jackal!
668
00:26:07,787 --> 00:26:11,120
Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!
669
00:26:11,829 --> 00:26:14,161
Got it? Captain Turtleneck?
670
00:26:14,245 --> 00:26:15,120
-Frank!
-Honey--
671
00:26:15,203 --> 00:26:16,620
-That was wrong.
-Honey--
672
00:26:16,704 --> 00:26:18,036
Hot, but wrong.
673
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:19,829
-We're ten seconds
from Halfway Home.
-JORDAN: So, uh...
674
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:21,912
-It's funny, isn't it?
You call them "elevators."
-MATT: Ten. Nine...
675
00:26:21,995 --> 00:26:25,036
-Uh, but they just don't elevate
they also... lower.
-MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven.
676
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,078
And zero!
677
00:26:26,161 --> 00:26:29,245
-(CHEERING)
-♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪
678
00:26:29,328 --> 00:26:30,829
We're halfway home!
679
00:26:30,912 --> 00:26:34,704
Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.
680
00:26:34,787 --> 00:26:36,912
MAN: Who threw that?
You are dead man.
681
00:26:36,995 --> 00:26:38,829
All right, or woman,
let's not be sexist.
682
00:26:38,912 --> 00:26:40,370
But actually, no, it was--
it was a man.
683
00:26:40,453 --> 00:26:41,704
-It was him there.
-(GRUNTS)
684
00:26:41,787 --> 00:26:43,995
Not him. Him!
685
00:26:46,453 --> 00:26:48,453
-This is all on you.
-What?
686
00:26:48,537 --> 00:26:49,620
You had one job.
687
00:26:49,704 --> 00:26:51,578
I expect. I'm not sure
exactly what you do.
688
00:26:51,662 --> 00:26:54,662
I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for
689
00:26:54,745 --> 00:26:55,954
are "thank you, Billie"
690
00:26:56,036 --> 00:26:58,537
and "I'm sorry I've got a rod
up my metal ass."
691
00:26:58,620 --> 00:27:00,370
I hope you're trampled
by this conga line--
692
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:01,620
Whoa!
693
00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:04,912
Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.
694
00:27:04,995 --> 00:27:07,578
-Yes, Mr. Judd--
-JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris!
695
00:27:07,662 --> 00:27:09,495
(YELLING) I heard you!
696
00:27:11,036 --> 00:27:12,495
JORDAN:
Well, I think that's my time.
697
00:27:12,578 --> 00:27:15,620
So thanks for coming, everyone,
to see the funniest man
698
00:27:15,704 --> 00:27:17,120
in the universe.
699
00:27:17,203 --> 00:27:19,787
That's me,
in case it wasn't clear.
700
00:27:19,870 --> 00:27:24,829
I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.
701
00:27:24,912 --> 00:27:28,161
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Worked for every
extinct species in history.
702
00:27:28,245 --> 00:27:29,954
MATT: What a crazy night, right?
703
00:27:31,245 --> 00:27:32,453
Knock, knock.
704
00:27:33,787 --> 00:27:36,245
(CHUCKLES)
Knock, knock.
705
00:27:37,036 --> 00:27:38,453
(MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN)
706
00:27:40,537 --> 00:27:42,495
-These-- These people are...
-(PHONE CHIMES)
707
00:27:42,578 --> 00:27:44,203
...the bravest and the boldest.
708
00:27:44,286 --> 00:27:48,620
They are humanity's finest,
and they need safe--
709
00:27:48,704 --> 00:27:51,495
(CLAMORING AND SINGING)
710
00:27:51,578 --> 00:27:53,537
-(LAUGHTER)
-(CHEERING)
711
00:27:54,704 --> 00:27:56,078
(RETCHING)
712
00:27:56,161 --> 00:27:57,662
(SIGHS)
713
00:27:57,745 --> 00:27:59,704
STAFFER:
The President will see you now.
714
00:27:59,787 --> 00:28:00,745
Great.
715
00:28:00,829 --> 00:28:02,203
-(CHEERING CONTINUES)
-MATT: Hey, uh,
716
00:28:02,286 --> 00:28:04,912
Jordan's gonna be
signing merchandise at the bar.
717
00:28:05,036 --> 00:28:07,578
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.
718
00:28:07,662 --> 00:28:09,912
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
54057
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