Original subtitles

(CHUCKLES)

Candace.

Dude, it's me.

I know, Sam, but them's the rules.

Dude, it's like a tiny, teeny poster.

No one is even gonna notice.

Dave will be here tomorrow. Why don't you come back then?

Tomorrow's the show. It's too late.

Dude.

That's fucking lame, man.

Come on. When did you become like a corporate shill?

What is this?

Yes, that's me.

Selling my soul here at Bop Street Records.

Well, that's how it starts, man. That's all I'm saying.

Check yourself.

Check yourself.

(BAND PLAYING ROCK SONG)

* Circuits in my head

* Uh huh

* Circuits

* Circuits in my head

* Uh huh

* Circuits in my head

* Circuits

* Circuits

* Circuits

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

All right.

Thank you, guys.

Thanks for coming out on a Tuesday night. We're The Effort.

On your way out, please stop by

and see Amy at the merch table.

Amy, you wanna wave to the crowd?

Which one?

(SAM LAUGHS)

Which one, yeah.

She's a comedian. That's a joke about, uh...

Yeah. That's really funny. Thank you. Um...

Anyway, thanks for coming, guys. I'll see you next time.

Why do you have to act that way?

What way?

Why do you have to shit on me in front of the whole band?

The whole fucking audience?

Oh, you mean all six of them?

You see? That's what I'm talking about.

Little fucking, conniving, undermining, like,

stabbing-me-with- a-toothpick bullshit.

Why do you do that?

I was making a joke.

I don't think it's funny. All right?

You take yourself too seriously.

You know, it's not about that.

It's about basic respect, Amy. All right?

You just, like, wake up, and just like,

"Hey, let's just fuck with Sam today!"

Where's my cheese?

That shit is not cheese.

Well, thank you, cheese guru,

but where is it?

I threw it away.

You threw it away?

Well, thank you very much.

Why did you do that?

It's my fridge.

It's my cheese. I bought it with my own money.

I want you to move out.

Huh?

Uh...

What?

Like now?

Whenever you wanna go.

Uh...

Okay. Um...

All right. I'm going to go now, then.

Be my guest.

Okay.

I will pick up my records later.

If... Is this like a money thing?

'Cause, like, I deposited a check, and, I mean...

Sam, is this really a surprise?

WOMAN: You guys sound familiar.

Do you guys play a lot of shows around?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, we played at The Funhouse, fucking rocked that shit out.

Sold it out. It was awesome. Nice.

And, uh, Calamity Records has our demo, so...

Oh, really?

You know them?

That's awesome. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, so,

keeping our fingers crossed. Yeah.

Good luck.

Thanks.

You see, you're, like,

cute, sweet, nice.

Why do women start that way

and then just turn into

passive-aggressive, conniving

assholes?

I mean, you know what I'm talking about.

Just tell me straight.

'Cause I know you know.

Excuse me.

What?

Dude, I was just kidding around...

(BEER BOTTLE BREAKS) Fuck!

Shit.

Fuck off.

Oh, yeah, you're badass.

Is that the size of your penis or your fucking IQ,

you asshole.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAN: Hang on, man!

Oh, Jesus, dude.

What the fuck happened to you?

I got a, um...

Couch? Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

Whoa.

Sorry.

(SNORING)

(GROANS)

MAN: Down, down. Ow!

Down. Jesus.

Sorry, man.

Who are you?

I don't even know anymore, man, I'm so fucking tired.

We picked up this shit

from Devon's brother at the Circle Jerks show

and we've been flying crazy

for, like, 36 fucking hours, man.

If I even see the inside of that van again,

I'm gonna freak out!

No fucking joke.

I really, really, really, really

need some Q-tips.

(GRUNTING)

SAM: Just to be clear, like, I'd just be sleeping there.

Like, I'm super busy days and stuff, like...

Okay.

See you at practice.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(DIALING)

Hey, it's your favorite nephew!

SHARON: So, let me guess.

You need a place to crash.

All right.

Technically, I do, I just...

Like, so small amount of time...

Sam.

Sharon, I know.

You're 34, man. I just...

I got my shit together this time. I swear to you.

Totally different.

You working?

Yeah.

I mean, it's not like a jobby-job thing or whatever,

but it's like...

Some potentially really cool shit brewing with the band.

Does it pay?

Yeah. It pays, sometimes.

I mean, you know, it's not, like,

set in stone or whatever, but, like,

there's this cool record label called Calamity Records,

and they have our demo, and

we're just, like, waiting to hear back and stuff, so...

(SCOFFS)

Dude...

Why are you looking at me like that?

Like what?

Like I'm full of shit.

Are you? No.

Not this time, I'm serious. I...

Legit, straight up.

Of course you can stay with us.

But Sam,

get a fucking day job.

I'm on it.

(INDIE ROCK SONG PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

SHARON: Hey, honey.

Hey.

Oh, here.

Sign.

(GROANS) What'd you do now?

I threw a squid.

We need to talk.

(SIGHS) God. What?

Your father can't go camping this weekend.

A work thing came up in Denver suddenly and he can't get out of it.

He feels absolutely terrible.

But listen...

Listen!

I talked to my boss, he gave me the weekend off,

and so I can take you guys. Hey, Oliver!

Ollie! Why would I wanna go with you?

Oliver.

(SCOFFS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

SHARON: He promised, Sam.

Told him how much he was looking forward to it. Blah blah blah.

Yeah, well, surprise surprise.

How often does he see the kid? Twice a year, for Christ's sake?

Sharon, guy's an asshole.

Big shocker. Oh, big shocker.

So is Oliver upset?

He's heartbroken.

Of course, it's all my fault.

Everything's my fault these days.

He's 14, all right? He's...

He's in his crazy little bastard phase.

I remember when you were in that phase.

(INDIE ROCK SONG PLAYING)

SAM: Yo!

Hey! How's the job search going?

Really good, actually.

You got something?

Uh, nothing solid, but, like,

I mean, ton of leads.

What's up, dude? What's up?

Hi, I'm Jake.

Sam.

JAKE: So, I hear you're a musician.

You hear correctly.

Going through a bit of a jazz phase.

I prefer Ella to Billie.

In general.

Hey. SHARON: Hey.

Hey, Sam.

What would you say to, uh,

taking the boys camping this weekend?

Really?

Uh, yeah. I mean...

I don't know. I guess I...

You know what? Actually...

Fuck. I can't.

Well, why not?

They would love to go with you. I'll throw some cash your way.

Yeah, I know. I just feel like it's more of a father-son bonding thing.

Well, it doesn't have to be.

Well, I don't know. I'm not, like, a camper guy,

you know, and I have a show this weekend. It's just...

Well, couldn't you just reschedule that?

Sharon, it doesn't really work that way.

How does it work?

Sharon.

Fine. Forget I mentioned it.

Dude, I would if I could.

I'm sure you would, Sam, you're such a selfless person.

Oh, what's that supposed to mean?

Just forget it.

Now you're all pissed at me.

Well, Jesus Christ, Sam, I bail your ass out on a regular basis...

No, you don't. ...and the one time...

Yes, I do. And the one time,

the one time I ask you for anything,

you act like I'm sawing your arm off.

Oh, well, I'm sure sorry that I'm such a fucking burden.

You're not a burden, Sam.

You know what? Forget it. I will leave. Fine.

Sam.

(DOOR SHUTS) (SIGHS)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

You asshole.

OLIVER: Hey. Hey.

Sucks about camping.

Yeah.

Hey, dude. Come check this out.

(WOMEN MOANING)

Turn it down.

(VOLUME LOWERS)

Don't stand so close.

I'm not.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

(BANGING ON DOOR) OLIVER: Uh...

Just a second.

Hi.

What do you want?

Just came up to hang.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Why?

Yeah.

You guys

weren't looking at porn or anything, were you?

No. No. That's repulsive.

Yeah. That's repulsive.

You little horndogs!

BOTH: We weren't.

Swear on your mother's grave.

Come on, dude. (LAUGHS)

Pervert! Shouldn't you be looking for a job?

(MOCKING) Shouldn't you be looking for a job?

You know,

it's perfectly normal for you little whippersnappers to be interested in sex.

If I had the Internet when I was your age,

I woulda never left the frigging house.

But you gotta stay away from sick shit like donkey fucking and diaper fetishes.

Oh, and do not start chatting online

with anyone who says they're a "14-year-old girl,"

'cause it's probably some fat 50-year-old dude

who's gonna ass-rape you and leave you for dead.

I'm serious, dude, I saw it on Dateline.

(BURPS)

Oh. By the way,

guess who's taking you camping this weekend?

You gotta be kidding.

Do I look like the kidding type?

We leave the day after tomorrow.

What if we don't want to go camping with you?

Hmm. Then I'd say, "Tough shit,

"'cause we're going, and it's gonna be fucking fun."

Is my mom making you do this?

No.

I heard your previous chaperone fell through,

and I volunteered, 'cause I'm a nice guy.

Come on, dudes.

Camping action? Men vs. nature?

Just don't be a dick the whole time, all right?

Moi?

A "D"?

So, you've got a cell phone and warm clothes.

It gets really cold out there.

Ollie, did you pack your warm stuff?

Yes. All right, just checking.

And, Sam, you've got all the maps, all my telephone numbers,

water bottles...

What?

You're like a frazzled soccer mom, Sharon.

Stop, I'm just checking so you guys don't have to worry, huh?

Oh, thank you so much for doing it.

It's fine. My show got canceled, so whatever.

Yeah. I knew you'd see the light.

All right, dudes. Let's hit it!

Oliver.

Be nice, huh? I will.

Gentlemen.

Happy trails.

Bye.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

You guys keeping up with the Mariners?

BOTH: No.

Right on.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Can we listen to something else?

It lives! Thank God you're alive. Wow!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

"Slacknut"? What the fuck, is this shit?

It's hard-core rock and roll. Just put it in. You'll like it.

Jesus.

All right, Slacknut.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Aw, fuck! Ew!

(GAGGING)

Shut up! Gladly.

(MUSIC STOPS) Jesus.

What are you... Dude, that's my CD! Listen!

That's my CD!

That shit was not music.

That's your opinion, you can't just... Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Listen to me. I'm gonna play you some real music.

And if you like it, I will buy you the CD.

And if you don't like it. I'm gonna have your fucking head examined.

And if you still don't like it after that,

then I will buy you every piece of shit fucking Slacknut CD.

I will buy you the monster box set.

Of course, I will have to write you off as a human being.

But I will replace your CD. Deal? Fine.

All right.

Now, first lesson, The Sonics. Buckle your seat belt, dudes.

These guys paved the fucking rock highway.

You're a psychopath.

Love you! (LAUGHING) Shut up!

Love you!

SAM: Whoo-hoo! (BOSS HOSS PLAYING)

SAM: All right. I'm gonna have the ham and cheese omelet.

I will do rye toast and a coffee, please, ma'am.

Okay, darling.

Thank you. WAITRESS: You got it.

(DRUMMING ON TABLE)

Can I help you?

Why'd you order breakfast? It's dinner.

Well, because I like breakfast for dinner and that's my thing. What's your thing?

My thing?

Yeah, what's your thing? Like, what's your story?

What's your deal? What are you into?

Is this some sort of interrogation?

Uh, yeah. You have a girlfriend?

No.

Yeah, you do. Kaley McDowd. Shut up.

Is she cute?

She's not my girlfriend. She's in the Special Ed class.

You love Kaley McDowd. No, I don't, Oliver. And you know it.

Jake, dude, don't be ashamed, man. I mean, we're all into different things, you know.

Blondes, brunettes, alterna-chicks...

I don't... ...bondage, fatties, grannies...

I do not... ...midgets, barely legal. Don't be ashamed of your love.

I don't love Kaley McDowd! Everyone just says that

because I'm a class helper in the Special Ed room.

Yeah, you like to help Kaley McDowd with anal sex.

No, I don't! I hate Kaley McDowd! She's handicapped!

Jake, don't be racist.

And, Oliver, we do not talk about anal sex at the dinner table, okay?

Hi. WAITRESS: Okay. Here are your drinks.

SAM: Thank you much. Enjoy.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

She dumped him.

Uh, excuse me. No, she did not dump me.

The relationship came to its natural conclusion.

Dumped him. Kicked him out of her apartment.

If it weren't for us, he'd be a homeless crack addict.

(SCOFFS) You know what?

Either shut up, or stick to a conversation topic you actually know something about,

like, uh, jerking off,

after-school detention, whacking off, masturbating your penis,

chocking the chicken, slapping the clown...

You're so funny. Oh, I'm so funny! Yes, I'm so funny.

Oh, my God, stop! You guy are driving me nuts!

I know, he's driving me nuts! God! Guy's crazy!

All right, dudes, itinerary time. Here we go.

Tonight, poker night at the Ocean Spray Inn.

Hope you little dipshits are excited, it's going to fucking rule.

Tomorrow morning, we're up at the ass-crack of dawn. We drive up to the trailhead,

we unpack the car. We hike down to the beach. Set up camp.

Wake up the next morning. Full day of hiking, beachcombing,

all that other horseshit. And then one more night under the stars.

Assuming it's not, like, pissing down raining.

And then we hike back to the car. And drive back to civilization.

Boo-ya!

Sounds boring.

Excuse me? Yeah, I mean,

what are gonna actually, like, do?

Did you not hear a word of what I just said? Are you deaf?

Walking around on the beach and sleeping. Sounds like fun.

You ungrateful little bitches.

That's us.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

All right. So, the first thing about poker is the hands.

(WATER SPLASHING) You gotta know what beats what in order to play, obviously.

But then once you get the hands down,

it's all about mind-fucking the other players. Oliver?

Oliver. Huh?

Dude, you gotta listen if this is gonna work.

I wanna go in the hot tub.

Yeah, me too.

Dudes, what the hell?

Just for a little while, then we'll come and play poker.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Ow, stop! God, you're so, like, violent. Shut up!

She's totally violent.

My friend's a serial killer. Shut up.

He murdered two little girls in a hot tub last night. And now he's on the run.

Oh, my God. Freaks.

God damn it.

(CHATTERING OUTSIDE)

Little players!

So, I threw it, and it nailed her in the face.

Gross! And she had squid juice all over her.

Oh, my God. That's so mean.

Oh, did I hurt you guys? I can't believe you just did that.

Ow! Don't pinch me. What are you doing?

Pinching me like this.

I'm getting away from them. They're crazy.

I can totally relate. He's so impulsive.

What?

Nothing.

Hold out your hands. But you can't look.

You can't look. Put your head down.

You ready?

You can't look. Put your head down.

SAM: What's up, studs?

Oh, hot shitballs!

SAM: So, how's it hanging?

Heard this party's off the chain.

This is my cousin.

Hi. How's it going?

So, what's going on? Are we doing truth or dare?

Seven minutes in heaven or something?

I'm gonna go in the pool. Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

I was kidding!

It was a joke! Hello?

You can't take a joke?

All right, guys. Chop, chop.

Poker time.

C'mon, let's hit it.

Guys.

Oliver Mitchell and Jake whatever the fuck your name is.

Guys!

Dude, you're gonna wake the whole place up.

Well, you know, we got an early morning tomorrow. And if you want to play poker...

Okay, we'll be in in a little bit.

I'm serious, 10 minutes. Okay, Mother!

(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING)

(DIALING)

Hey, it's Amy. Leave me a message after the beep. Thanks.

OLIVER: Sam.

Come on, wake up. We have to go.

(GROANING)

Come on, let's go!

(GROANING)

We slept late. It's 9:00. Come on.

(GROANING)

Fuck off!

Let's go, dude. Ow!

So, how far is the trailhead from here?

An hour?

Two hours?

Five hours?

It's about five hours from what the fuck do you care?

What?

You don't give a shit about anyone but Oliver Mitchell.

So, what the fuck do you care how far the trailhead is?

What's his problem?

Nothing, you guys just totally ditched me last night.

We were getting some action.

That and you were totally cockblocking us.

Yeah.

Cockblocker.

Excuse me, but I kind of thought we had a whole poker night planned out.

Plans changed.

You're fucking weak, man, that's all I'm saying.

I just think you're jealous.

Hardly, okay?

I'm glad you guys had a great time with the little fucking girls in the pool.

(MOCKING)

But you know what?

From now on,

we're a team.

Please.

No, I'm serious. I'm dead fucking serious.

This is a safety issue.

You got it?

Oliver. Fine!

Jake.

We're a team.

Yay!

That's right.

Be quiet.

What are we doing here?

Camping supplies.

I don't like M-80s.

Don't be gay, Jake. Yeah, don't be gay.

I'm not, I just don't like them.

Greetings, ma'am.

We need Roman candles,

we need bottle rockets, we need exploding shit.

We also need some little granny sparklers for our little gay friend here.

Shut up! (MOCKING) Shut up.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Hey, Jake, you got a CD you wanna play?

I'm not gay 'cause I don't like M-80s.

I know, dude, I was just kidding.

SAM: I'm obviously safe because I'm already in my 30s,

but it's fucking creepy. There's this plague that hits them all in their 20s.

Like Jim Morrison, 27, in the frigging tub.

Kurt Cobain, 27.

Um, let me see.

Jimi Hendrix, 26.

Janis Joplin, 27.

John Bonham. I think he was, like, 30.

Um... OLIVER: John Bonham was from Led Zeppelin, right?

Yes. A-plus for you.

All right. Looking good, gentlemen.

Aren't you gonna wear your hiking boots?

These are my hiking boots.

Follow me, gentlemen. I know the way.

SAM: You guys aware of

proper shitting-in-the-woods technique?

BOYS: What?

SAM: Are you aware of proper shitting-in-the-woods technique?

OLIVER: You gotta be kidding.

SAM: I'm not kidding, I looked it up online.

Dude!

Let me hear it. Do you know how to do it?

OLIVER: Do you get any girls at all?

SAM: What do you think? 'Cause you act like a pig.

OLIVER: Seriously.

I don't get girls.

OLIVER: I know you don't. I get women.

No, you don't. You get girls. I get women.

JAKE: Oh, really? SAM: Big difference.

So, is that why you had to move into Oliver's house?

JAKE: So, what base did you get to?

With Ashley.

I touched her boob when we were frenching.

What base is that?

Second, I think.

I touched Cara's boob too.

Mostly by accident.

Ashley was hotter.

No, she wasn't.

Her boobs were bigger.

So what?

There's more to a woman than her boobs.

How would you know? You've never even had a girlfriend.

Girls prefer gentlemen.

My sister told me.

So, why don't you go have sex with your sister?

Don't be sick.

You're gonna have sex with your sister and then your penis is gonna fall off.

And then she's gonna put your penis in a pickle jar for a midnight snack.

Excuse me.

For your mom, dude.

All right, all right. I got it.

Whoa! Whoa! (OLIVER LAUGHING)

Uh, Jake... Shut up!

Trail's over here if you wanna get some...

Just shut up and help me up. Dude...

Roll over on your stomach and push yourself up.

I can't! Dude, yes you can. Come on.

No, I can't. Now, will you just help me up?

Oh, Jesus, you need to work on your ruggedness, my man.

Don't touch me.

Dude, that was hilarious.

F you!

Whoa, Jake! Language!

You guys always gang up on me and pick on me.

We do not!

Yes, you do. And I'm sick of it!

Jake, where are you going?

Back to the car.

Will you stop being such a drama queen?

I'm not being a drama queen.

I've just had it with you two Neanderthals.

Jake, we're sorry, all right.

Just tell him you're sorry. Dude, I didn't even do anything.

Just tell him you're...

All right, Jake, I'm sorry, dude.

Come back, man, we'll party, it'll rule.

Seriously.

Don't leave me alone with this little dick breath, all right?

Dude.

Yeah, don't leave me with this bastard shithead asshole.

Dickhead prick.

Fart licker.

He licks farts, Jake.

Yeah, I do.

SAM: (CLAPPING) Yeah! Jakey!

That's right, my boy. Come on back.

SAM: I knew you had it in you, soldier.

Come on.

Put 'em up, dog.

Right here.

Right there? Right here.

Gimme a little something.

Come on.

You want to.

OLIVER: Don't be mad. Well, that's cool.

You don't have to do that 'cause, you can... Oh, love it, Jakey.

(MAKING KISSING NOISES)

I love it! Kiss me!

How you guys doing?

You guys getting any blisters or anything?

No, I'm good. I'm good too.

You sure? BOTH: Yeah.

All right.

You start to get tired, let me know, and I'll tell you to grow some balls.

OLIVER: Come on, Sam, are we almost there?

SAM: Dude, I'm, like, twice your age. You're already tired?

OLIVER: I feel like we've been walking forever.

SAM: We've been walking for, like, 20 minutes.

Wuss! Wuss! OLIVER: Shut up!

(INSECT BUZZING)

(INSECT BUZZING)

Come here. Let's check the water.

Come on!

Yeah, I don't wanna say anything like, "I told you so."

Shit!

What?

Little chilly. Not a problem.

JAKE: What are you doing?

Going in.

In your underwear?

No.

No way. (GROANS)

What?

You can't skinny dip here. Why not?

I mean, it's the middle of the day and it's a public beach.

There's no one here. Hello!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What, you guys aren't going in? Dude, it's freezing!

Jake.

Thank you. I'd rather not.

Fucking chicken shits, man.

Yes!

Love the smell of the ocean, boys!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Whoa!

How's that for reception?

Hello?

Hey, Sam, it's JR.

Dude, what do you want?

Well, the short story is that Richard Kline

from Calamity Records is interested in meeting... (LINE BREAKING)

Wait! Wait! What? What?

Richard Kline... Wait! What? JR! Hold on.

Hello? I can't hear you.

Can you hear me? Dude, I'm on a fucking beach, I can't... Hello?

Hello? I'm losing you. Hold on!

Sam?

Hello? JR!

Dudes! I just got a record deal!

That's great.

Congratulations. No, I'm serious, dude.

JR just called, and Calamity called and, like...

I didn't hear the whole thing but, like, I think I got it.

I'm serious. Sweet.

Fuck. We gotta go back!

We just got here.

Ok, hold on. I'm just, like, processing.

Fuck, I'm having a heart attack.

Okay.

Dudes. This is it.

This is it, dude. It's the moment.

The moment is here!

Yes!

See ya!

Wouldn't wanna be ya!

Boo-ya!

OLIVER: So, are you gonna be on MTV?

Maybe, if they ever start playing frigging music again.

Be pretty fucking cool, though, right?

I admit that would be really cool.

(OWL HOOTS)

What was that?

SAM: A serial killer.

Shut up.

It's just an owl, dude.

But, you know, actually, Washington State is famous for its serial killers.

Ted Bundy, we've got the Green River Killer,

we've got the Hillside Strangler, who was caught up in Bellingham.

So?

So, I'm just a little concerned, that's all.

Concerned about what?

Uh, just all that shit that happened here last March.

What happened here in March?

Oh, whatever. Come on, you guys know, right?

No, I don't.

You're joking. Oliver, you know, right? Shut the hell up.

I'm serious, whatever.

We're sitting around a campfire,

he's telling us a scary story to get us freaked out.

We're not complete idiots.

Dude, if you don't want to believe it, that's totally fine with me.

Makes no difference. OLIVER: Whatever.

Probably better if you don't know.

Tell us.

Dude, it's no big deal, all right, there was a family,

and they came up here to go camping last March.

And they didn't come back. Blah, blah, blah. That whole thing.

What happened? What? The murder weapon or what?

They were murdered? Yeah, brutally.

Yeah, it was a whole family. It was a mom and dad, and, uh,

two boys and a girl. And they were murdered and mutilated.

It's weird, actually, when the police found their bodies, the killer, had, like,

sliced open their cheeks from mouth to ear and kind of, like, pulled their faces up

in like a frozen scream.

Sick! Yeah, totally sick.

Did they catch the killer?

(SIGHS) No, I don't think so.

But it's not like the murders were right here.

It was two or three miles up the beach, so...

That's still pretty close.

Yeah. Guess it's all relative.

That's bullshit, dude.

Dude, I'm just reporting the facts as they are.

Come on, if it was true, we would have heard about it in the news

or something, or read it in the papers. I read tons of stuff about it.

How else would I know so many details?

Mmm. Yummy.

(OWL HOOTS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SAM SCREAMS)

(BOYS SCREAM)

Oh, no, guys. It's me. It's just Sam. I was just fucking around.

I didn't see... I'm sorry, okay.

SAM: I didn't see anything!

Get off me, fag!

Where are you going?

Fuck you.

Jake!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Jake!

Oliver!

Guys!

If you can hear me, meet me at the tent!

Oh, what the fuck, man? Where have you been? Where's Jake?

I don't know.

You don't know? That's great!

You know, for once I would appreciate it if you guys could be, like, mature adults

instead of these itty-bitty fucking babies.

I gotta change your diapers every five minutes.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and your little boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Well, whatever, all right. But you know, he's a fucking baby.

You played a stupid joke on him!

Me? This is my fault? Yes!

Oh! Oh! I'm sure sorry I forced you guys to have

a little gay make-out party last night. What the fuck was I thinking?

(SIGHS) Look, I'm sorry. Oliver... You're a prick.

I'm sorry, all right. I'm stressed out. Just leave me alone.

Dude, I can't leave you alone. I'm in charge of you, okay?

You're not in charge of anything. You're a fucking loser.

What? You are a loser!

You know what? Why don't you go rendezvous with your little lover boy?

Fuck you! Well, fuck you more, you spoiled little shit!

All right. (SIGHS) I'm worried.

I think we should go look for him.

Maybe he got mad, and, like,

tried to walk to the car or something. I don't know, but...

All right, do what you want, but I'm going.

Good call.

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

(SIGHS)

Hey, check it out.

Oh, shit. What's wrong?

Hippies. Stay close.

SAM: Hi.

Hey. 'Sup, man?

Hey, um, we're looking for a friend of ours.

He's, like, a curly-haired, 14-year-old skinny kid. Yeah.

He's got, like, a blue shirt on, shorts.

Um, I'm...

I, um... I don't know...

Have you seen anybody today?

Yeah. You have?

Think I saw somebody moving

to the left.

Yeah. Back there?

Like, on a... Like, when you say to the left, like, he turned...

On the trail, onto another little trail.

That way? Where you came from?

Yeah. Are you sure you didn't. I mean...

I'm wearing a blue T-shirt.

Are you sure it wasn't me? I'm not. I'm not sure.

Okay, do you remember by any chance, what trail it was? It's kind of important

'cause he's missing, and he may be lost. So, we're trying to find him.

If you could help us...

MAN: Um...

We're trying to let things go while we're here on this trail.

Or... You know what?

If you see him, will you just not let him out of your sight for me?

Maybe.

MAN: It's hard not to... Let's go.

Yeah. Okay, thank you.

Yeah, brother. See you guys later.

See you.

Good luck. SAM: Thank you.

OLIVER: Maybe they did see him. SAM: Maybe they did.

That's the problem with hippies. Unreliable fucking witnesses.

Well, I know Jake brought a blue shirt.

Here we go. Side trail. Now what do we do?

I don't know. Yeah, well, neither do I.

Thank you, hippie assholes! Fuck!

SAM: Well, this sucks.

OLIVER: This super-sucks.

Kinda sucks worse than being stung in the eyeball by a bee.

This sucks worse than drinking a dog shit milkshake.

(EXCLAIMS) This sucks worse than walrus sodomy.

This sucks worse than making out with a razorblade.

(SIGHS) This actually sucks worse than falling off the Empire State Building

and getting your scrotum caught on a rusty nail.

Yeah, no. That sucks more.

I don't know, dude. This sucks pretty fucking bad.

Are we lost?

Uh, we are lost-ish.

Oliver, wait up. What the fuck?

We're in the... We're, like, fucking nowhere. What is this shit?

Jake! Jake! Where the fuck are you?

Oh, what the fuck?

Oh, shit.

Why'd you get so many sparklers?

Got them for Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Why do you hate Jake? I don't hate him.

Then why are you always so mean to him?

He's just one of those kids. Easy target.

Do you think he's gay? I don't know.

Are you homophobic? No.

I think you are.

Why did you just say that?

'Cause I think you're homophobic.

Well, that's funny because I think you're homophobic. Maybe I am.

Well, maybe you're an asshole. Maybe I am.

Well, then, maybe you should feel real proud. I do.

You know, you used to be, like, this sweet kid.

When did you become this, like, aggro frat boy?

What are you gonna do? Kick my... Oliver!

Oliver! Get back here! Oliver! Don't touch me!

Get back here, Oliver!

Ow! Fuck!

You just hit me!

Fuck!

(SARCASTICALLY) Yay. The river. Fucking again. Whoo!

Wanna just move here? We can go down this way.

It's not that steep. I don't know about that.

Oh, fuck! Oliver!

Shit! You okay? Yeah.

Shit. Okay.

Let me help you up. Come here. Give me this.

Here.

Here. Put your knee up. So you can stand. Hold on.

I can't use my ankle! Okay, okay. All right.

All right.

All right, dude, you're gonna be fine. It's fine.

All right. Plan "B," dude. Here. (COUGHING)

Oliver?

Sam?

Guys? Hello?

Ow, ow, ow. Wait, hold on.

What? Fuck this. Dude, I'm just gonna carry you.

I'm way too heavy. Oliver, it's getting dark. It's cold.

I'm too heavy, Sam! Oliver! Put this on.

Give me your arm.

Hop on and shut up.

All right. Light as a feather.

WOMAN: Come here, Oscar!

Sorry, brother.

Hey, brother, mind if we join you?

Sure.

Hey, have you guys seen a man and a kid around here?

No, man. I mean, that's kinda hard to say.

Did you say a man and a kid?

Yeah.

Like, a taller dude and a little dude.

Yeah.

Everything is coming together right now.

How cold does it get out here?

Cold. Don't worry about it.

What if we freeze to death?

Oliver, we're not going to freeze to death. Shut up with the freaky shit.

All right?

OLIVER: Should we build a fire here? SAM: No way.

Don't they say if you're lost in the woods to stay put?

I don't know. I've never been lost in the woods.

We're screwed.

Oliver, we're not screwed. Yes, we are.

Look, I have a plan.

We're gonna forge a bow and arrow out of that tree,

and kill us up a good-sized Sasquatch. Suck on the meat.

We'll wrap ourselves up in the bloody hide for warmth. All good.

We're definitely screwed.

Look, I'm gonna get us back to the campsite. That's all there is to it.

So, just shut up.

We're not gonna sit here twiddling out thumbs around a campfire

while Jake's missing, either.

What do you mean, Spaceship Earth?

I mean, this is a vessel, man. That's all.

And you and me, we're just passengers.

Do you know about the seven states of consciousness?

Ow!

Wanna rest?

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHING) Oh, fuck.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

You cold? Yeah, it's fucking freezing.

Let's talk about something else.

Uh, so, what instruments do you play?

Uh, guitar, bass, little bit of drums,

shitty piano,

bad-ass tambourine, definitely.

You know how to play anything?

Nothing.

No shit.

Dude, you gotta play a little guitar or something.

Nah, I don't.

It will get you laid. Kind of important.

Um, not a music guy.

I could teach you. No, it's okay.

Listen, I'm sorry about that shit I said about you and Jake today.

It was really fucking stupid.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

I'm an asshole. And it's not okay.

Sometimes.

You're a good friend to Jake.

He's been my best friend since

third grade.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, um, it is.

All right. We should get a move on.

You ready? Yeah.

Fucking freezing. All right.

(GRUNTING)

(OLIVER COUGHING)

(SAM GRUNTING)

Uh, shit. That's our last one.

All right.

Go as far as I can.

We're on the edge of the Earth.

And us,

we're pioneers, man.

We're on a waterbed.

Well, that's exactly what we're on.

We're on a waterbed.

SAM: Ah, shit. All right. I should've worn fucking hiking boots.

Got it.

Get the whole thing.

All right. We're gonna take a little rest.

Dad.

No, it's Sam.

I was dreaming.

All right. Go to sleep. It's okay.

(SHIVERS)

Oh, fuck. Okay. All right.

Oliver. Yeah.

Okay, you ready? You ready?

(GRUNTING)

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Here we go.

(HUMMING IRON MAN)

* Has he lost his mind?

* Can he see or is he blind?

(PANTING)

* Can he walk and talk?

Fuck it!

* Can he see or is...

* He blind?

* Can he walk and talk

All right. Come on. Come on, here we go. Come on up.

Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Fuck! (GRUNTS)

(COUGHS)

I can't.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.

(SHIVERING)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(SEAGULLS CALLING)

You hear that?

Oliver, check it. Listen.

(PLAYING DIDGERIDOO)

Sorry.

Wasn't me.

(SCOFFS)

Gross.

Hey, I'm sorry I called you a fag.

Nice. Hey.

Yo.

Are you gonna tell my mom what happened?

Uh, let's see.

You went for a walk on the beach.

I went looking for you, I got everybody lost.

And...

I don't know. That's pretty much what happened, right?

I guess.

So, you know, the whole, like,

girls or boys thing, it's, like,

totally normal.

You're gonna iron it out.

(INDIE FOLK SONG PLAYING)

Look, I know, all right. I know. You don't have to say anything.

What is there to say?

I'm just grateful no one's dead.

Yeah, it's not for lack of trying.

You know, Sam. Actually, it sounds to me like you might have saved his life.

That's a very generous spin on things, but...

Yo! What's up, dudes? MAN: Hey, Sam.

How's it going? Hey, guys. How you doing? It's good.

So, uh, here's the deal. Okay.

Before we get all into that stuff. I just want to take a second.

Kinda just want to apologize to you guys for my behavior

as of late. I haven't really been, like, a team player.

And like, I know that, and I just want to say I'm sorry.

You know.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, okay, um...

What we didn't tell you is that Marcel and Chad and I

have been working on a side project for about a year now.

Wait, what? Yeah, and we didn't...

We didn't tell you because we didn't want to freak you out needlessly,

but that's the demo that Kline's calling about.

It's a totally different direction.

Fleetwood Mac, kinda, you know, coke pop, Tusk.

And the vibe hasn't been great lately.

You know?

Just not feeling it, man.

Just not feeling it, man.

OLIVER: Where are you going?

Think I'm gonna stay with my friend Casey for a bit.

Did you get a record deal?

No. They kicked me out of the band.

Yeah.

But it's... It's cool, I...

Yeah.

You could start a new band.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. In the long run, though,

I might be more like a music fan than like a musician, you know.

You could work in a record shop.

(CHUCKLES) No, that's definitely not for me.

It was just a suggestion.

So, I don't know what kind of plans you have this summer or whatever, but,

you know, if you wanna, like, hang or something.

Yeah.

Uh, see you around?

Definitely.

Um...

I have something stupid for you.

Found this on the beach.

It's a sea urchin.

There was a bunch of shitty broken ones, um,

but this one was, like,

whole.

Well, all right, duder.

I'll see you 'round the bend.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Bye.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Action!

These are my hiking boots.

Fuck hiking boots.

Where we're going, we don't need hiking boots.

Oh, these are my hiking boots.

These are my hiking boots.

Who the fuck needs hiking boots?

MAN: (LAUGHING) Cut! Cut!