Original subtitles

I'm really sorry, but we both knew this was coming.

It has nothing to do with you.

I hope you can forgive me.

(SOBS) Someday.

Dave, stop being so dramatic.

We're just leaving for a couple of hours

to take the family portrait.

But Churro is family.

Yeah, Mom. Are you sure we can't bring the pets?

Hamster's devastated.

Yes, I'm sure. Humans only.

The photographer is Raul,

the renowned family portrait taker.

He even photographed the Royal family.

Like, in England?

No, Murph and Juline Royal. They live down the block.

It took forever to get this appointment.

Come on. We're gonna be late.

(BARKS)

(WHIMPERS)

You should really work on your separation anxiety.

(BARKS) When the family's away,

the Hamster will sashay.

HAMSTER: ? We gotta fix that faucet

WOMAN: ? You've got the drip, drip drip, drip, drip

HAMSTER: ? We gotta fix that faucet

CHORUS: ? You've got the drip, drip drip, drip, drip

HAMSTER: ? Call the plumber ? He's a professional

? We gotta We gotta call the plumber ? Drip, drip, drip

? Call the plumber

? He's a professional

? We gotta We gotta call the plumber ? ? Drip, drip, drip ?

CAROLINA: Oh, my goodness.

This is so fancy.

This linoleum costs more than our house.

Wow. These portraits are so lifelike.

Yeah. I feel like this one is staring right at me.

Can I help you? (BOTH SHRIEKING)

It's okay, kids.

This is our photographer, Raul.

You must be the Grant-Gomezes.

It's an absolute pleasure

for you to work with me.

Just follow these 471 guidelines,

and I promise to make you sparkle.

Sounds fun.

Now, for our theme, we were thinking something...

Against the rules. You don't pick the theme, the theme picks you.

And I pick the theme that picks you.

Okay. So what do we do?

Oh, simple. Do what Raul says,

stand where Raul tells you to.

And, most importantly, smile.

But only when Raul tells you to smile!

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, and absolutely no cell phones.

Sorry.

Is it too late to just take a group selfie in the parking lot?

Come on, Kev. This will be fun.

RAUL: Uh-uh-uh.

Number 216.

DAVE: "No lying to your kids."

Man, this guy thought of everything.

(EDM MUSIC PLAYING) (DOORBELL RINGS)

WOMAN: Pizza delivery for a Mr. Hamster Grant-Gomez.

Whoa.

I mean, hey, are you Mr. Hamster?

That's me. A person.

Uh, sir, please don't take this the wrong way,

but you seem awfully made of cleaning products.

HAMSTER: Industrial accident.

Oh, that's hardcore.

Thanks for the tip!

Steady. Steady.

Whoa, whoa!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Wait, something's wrong.

Oh, I forgot to close the door.

That was close. I hate eating pizza when there's a draft.

Hold, hold.

Hold, hold.

Pose, pose.

(GRUNTS) Your faces, why are you like that?

These pantaloons are itchy.

And I'm boiling.

There are, like, 20 other dresses under this dress.

Uh-uh-uh.

"No complaining." (ALL GROANING)

Ah. Groans are a kind of complaint.

(ALL SIGHING) And sighs are a kind of groan,

which is a kind of complaint.

What I need is elegance, grace.

Where is this family's flair?

Oh, I have some earrings in the cup holder in the minivan.

Ugh. This theme isn't working.

Okay, the court of the Sun King is out.

Let's try another.

Ah, fancy leg scratcher.

Great. Now I'll have to burn this.

Ugh. They always singe the crust.

Oh, Churro, I got some pizza bones just for you.

Hmm, it's so quiet.

And there's an absence of dumb energy in the house.

Oh, no!

Churro!

(HAMSTER SCREAMING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hamster.

We got a code Homeward Bound.

Code, Homeward Bound.

The Secretary of the Interior has been taken?

No, the code sheet was updated.

I lost the dog. What happened?

A pizza was ordered, mistakes were made.

It was nobody's fault.

Can you help me or not?

(SIGHS) Lucky for you, Uncle Dave put a tracking collar on Churro.

According to the online dog tracker,

he's on Front Street downtown.

Copy that. Thanks.

And by the way, Fred, don't tell anyone about this.

Already forgotten. Already hanging up.

(CHURRO BARKING)

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(BARKING)

Hey, you can't dog burgle in here.

Whoa!

MAN: ? You and me out on the town together

? With no plans

? We come and go whenever we

? Feel like trying a new endeavor

? We're looking sharp and feeling clever

? You and me out on the town

? You and me out on the town together

? We can hang out by the fountain

? Or just run along the boulevard

? Slow down for some window shopping

? It doesn't have to be that hard

? It doesn't have to be that hard (YELLING IN FRUSTRATION)

? Let's be foolish Let's break away

? We can both take a personal day

? I know this might sound a bit cliche

? But I always want it to be this way

? You and me out on the town

? You and me out on the town together

? Out on the town together

? Out on the town together ?

You're space explorers floating in the black void of space.

You got sucked out of the spaceship,

and you're holding your breath right now.

But if you hold your breath in space,

your lungs pop like balloons.

All right. Family lost in space is not working.

Let's try another.

Fred, where's Churro now?

"He's at the ducks"?

(READING)

(WORKERS LAUGHING)

Gotcha.

Oh, you're so slippery.

Hmm. (BARKING)

(SIGHS)

Well, if we circle back...

Oh, no, that building's falling right at us.

It's okay, everyone.

We just need to follow the evacuation plan.

Which one of us is the floor captain?

Okay, so that's two votes for me

and two votes for William.

We're wasting valuable time!

What's more valuable than democracy?

We're saved!

No, democracy is saved.

"He's at the bark.

(READING)

Wait. I'm doing this all wrong.

He's a dumb dog.

I just need to outsmart him.

Ah!

HAMSTER: Hello, Churro.

I bet you're pretty hungry

from all that running around.

But what's this?

That's it.

A little more.

(CHURRO SNIFFING) (GRUNTS) No!

Pardon me, excuse me.

Ew. Raisins in potato salad.

(GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ooh. Sorry about the mess.

Is this one of those situations

where a simple apology will do?

Let me get my checkbook.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Oh, a dog collar, but no dog.

Always a good sign.

I lost him, Fred.

And now we can't track him.

So you're just going to give up?

Please. No.

I'm sure I could start a new life somewhere.

Leave all this behind.

Move to New Orleans, join a barbershop quartet,

run ghost tours on the side.

Not for the money, of course,

but just to escape the ghosts of my own past.

Stop. You just need to think like Churro.

Okay.

(MIMICS CHURRO PANTING)

Well, that accomplished nothing.

No. We need to figure out what Churro wants

more than anything.

Think.

(INAUDIBLE)

I got it.

You're welcome, by the way.

Ungrateful rodent.

(SNIFFING)

(CHURRO BARKING)

HAMSTER: Gotcha.

Did anybody hear that?

Come on. Time to go home.

(CHURRO WHINING)

All right, buddy.

I love them, too.

What do you say we crash their photo?

I'd know those paws on linoleum any day.

Aw. Hamster.

What are you doing here?

DAVE: Too much lovies, Churro. Too much.

You know the rules. No pets.

Hey, these are not just pets.

They're family.

Look, they missed us so much,

they ran all the way here to find us.

Oh, yeah. How wonderful.

This is exactly what I've been looking for.

Everyone, ditch those costumes.

Oh, flawed composition,

chaotic staging, cliched theme.

Mmm! Truly a masterpiece.

Wow, we look great.

Our beautiful family together.

Can't put a price on love.

That will be $609.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

? Hamster and Gretel

? It's Hamster

? Hamster and Gretel ?

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