Original subtitles

- Oh, hey there, champ. What'cha working on?

- [groans] This stupid science project.

We have to see what kind of liquid plants prefer--

soda--

[plant coughs] Laundry detergent--

[bubbles ripple] Organic kombucha--

- Yeah, I'm so over this. [wheezes]

- Battery acid-- [sizzles]

And water-- turns out it's water.

[burps]

Hey, you wanna go to a movie?

- Nope, it's late. Go pee, poop, and brush.

It's time for bed. - Already?

[groans]

This is all Francis' fault.

This is supposed to be a partner project,

but he just had to go and get sick.

He even gets to skip school tomorrow.

- Poor Francis won't be enjoying his day off.

Sick days are never fun.

Well, except in classic '80s movies

where the kid is clearly faking it,

but the parents are inconceivably clueless.

[laughs] - Life is never like

the movies. It's way more boring.

I mean, nothing crazy ever happens.

Those movies are totally unrealistic.

- Yep, but the hairstyles are great.

I love a good mullet.

Well, sweet dreams, son.

- Hey, why should those movie kids have all the fun?

Who says Nate Wright can't take a sick day, '80s style?

Let me think. I have a social studies test

tomorrow, so--oh, wait. Dad'll be home.

He's always home! [groans]

- Almost forgot to tell you, son--

I scored a one-day temp gig

as a mustard jockey at the hot dog expo.

So I'll be gone all day tomorrow.

Your old dad is crushing it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you hear that?

No dad, no school,

no responsibilities--

just pure, unadulterated fun.

Yeah!

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go to school today *

* The sun is red hot and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

* Big Nate! *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

[peaceful music]

[bird snoring]

- [inhales deeply]

[vocalizes trumpet]

Time to get up and face the day.

[bird screeches]

- [groaning dramatically]

Is that you, Pa-pa?

[sniffles] The light is so very loud.

- Oh, buddy, I think you're coming down with something.

You're covered in spots--

and extremely sticky.

- [groans dramatically]

I'll be fine.

I have to get to school.

I have a social studies test today.

[gurgles] [vomits]

- The test can wait. I'm calling the doctor.

- Don't!

I--uh, er--

I just need to rest by myself for the whole day.

[snickers]

- Well, you're 11, so you probably know best.

- Ha ha, blueberry yogurt--

[slurps] And bubble gum.

Ha ha.

Am I genius, or am I a genius?

- Keep this humidifier nearby.

It'll loosen your phlegm.

- [weakly] Will do.

[door clicks closed] Finally the coast is cl--

- What was I thinking? I completely forgot

about Spitsy. Mr. Eustis asked me

to take him to the vet today.

He's gotta be there by noon for an important procedure.

- [whines and barks]

- Did you know that if dogs don't have their butt glands

expressed, their bottoms can quite literally explode.

- Yeah, there's no way that's true.

- Oh, it is.

Mr. Eustis showed me a-- [gags]

A very graphic video about it.

It's real, and it's spectacular.

- Let's break it down.

* Dogs have icky fluid *

* That can build up in their bums *

* Most dogs can release it *

* But perhaps your dog is dumb *

* Don't be nervous, brother *

* This affects most any mutt *

* Owner, pay attention *

* If your dog scoots on his butt *

[dog plane barks] * Chomping on his backside *

* Is a certain sign of trouble *

* Get him to a clinic *

* If his booty starts to bubble! *

[hip-hop music]

* If your pooch's tushy *

* Starts to smell like rotten fish *

* Have your vet give those *

* Engorged butt glands a squish *

* Time is of the essence *

* If you want to save your pup *

* If you fail *

* His little doggy bottom *

* Is sure to blow up *

[slime squelches]

- Ugh,

guess I'll have to tell the hot dog expo

to find a new mustard jockey.

Can't have Spitsy's butt exploding.

But hey, now I've got most of the day free!

I can hang out here all day

and keep an eye on my sick little budster.

- No! I mean--

[nervously chuckles]

No, no, I'll just take a little snooze,

and then I can bring Spitsy to the vet by noon.

- Gee, wow, well, if you think you'd be up for it,

thanks, Nate. - No, no, no,

don't--don't mention it.

Have a great long day at work.

- Call if you need me.

Ellen will be home early today.

I'll make sure she checks on you when she comes home.

- Great...

[rock music]

* *

[chuckles]

* *

[snickers]

Perfect, Ellen won't go within 10 feet of that mess,

and I'll be off, having

the time of my life, ha ha!

Oh, I'm free!

Oh, yeah!

* I'm free *

- [barks]

- Oh, yeah, Spitsy.

[phone line trills] - Zeff speaking.

- Uh, hey, Zeff,

you remember that time you had

me violate child labor laws

and take your shift at Scoopsies

so you could hang out with your, uh, girlfriend

from-- [clears throat]

Canada? - [chuckles]

Kelly? Yeah, she's totally real.

I owe you, little dude.

- I need you to take Spitsy to the vet at noon,

'cause this guy's got the day off.

- Ni-i-i-ice.

I'd did that for my entire educational career.

I'll swing by for him in five. [phone beeps]

["Cello Suite No. 1" by Johann Sebastian Bach]

* *

- Heyo! - [screams]

- [grunts] Ah!

Ow. - Nate!

What are you doing here?

Can't you see I'm convalescing?

[glass shatters] [screams]

- Face it, Francis. You only got sick

because you work too hard. You need a day off.

So we're going out on the town, baby!

- What? No way.

What if someone sees us? - Oh, please.

Don't be such a dork. We have to be in school

for 13 years.

Sixth grade is basically

the middle of our public school career.

So you know what that means--

it's halftime, baby.

Let's celebrate. Ooh, hey,

let's invite Teddy too. - Teddy is at PS 38--

where you're supposed to be.

- Yeah, I see your mouth moving,

Francis, but I gonna be honest.

All I hear is, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Ooben shlooshen, shleishen, slooshen, yah!"

[phone beeping]

- Lookin' sharp, Wesley.

[phone rings] [screams]

Princi-pal Nichols speaking.

- [posh accent] This Se�or Ortiz Senior.

Teddy must be excused

from today's, um, scholarly proceedings.

He must be released from school so he can attend

the last minute nuptials

of his aunt.

[grunts] [normal accent] Dude!

- Love is a beautiful thing, ain't it?

[laughs] Well, I'll have Teddy's teacher

escort him outside shortly.

- Ha ha! How easy was that?

Put your party pants on, Francis.

We gotta go pick up Teddy.

- Were you even listening, Grandpa?

What are you gonna do when

the teacher chaperones him outside?

We'll get busted! - Ooh, I got it!

Hey, where's your mom keep her wedding dress?

- * I love test days *

* I love seeing the children fail *

[shouts] Where is Nate Wright?

all: Mm-mm-mm. - [clears throat]

Hello? Is this thing on?

Hello? - Ugh, what does Nichols want

this time?

To dance the merengue

on the last jagged shards of my soul, no doubt.

Hello, Wesley. Happy Monday.

What do you want? - Hi, Clara,

Teddy Ortiz needs to be released from school.

His aunt is getting married today!

[chuckles] So exciting.

Please escort Teddy outside

in ten minutes.

- Wait, I have an aunt?

Why does nobody tell me anything in this fami--

oh, oh, no, bet it's because she's a spy.

- [munching]

You know, if I was a woman,

I would totally buy giant bras and use them as snack holders.

It's so convenient.

- Stop moving. Your bony butt is digging

into my neck!

- [munches] Mmm.

Oh!

- Huh, this woman is your aunt?

- Oh, yup, that--that is my favorite aunt!

Um, Mona Lisa.

Well, time for the wedding.

So sorry to miss the test.

Adios!

- Hmm...

These are the vile remnants

of cheesy snacks--

the preferred snack of one Nate Wright.

- [grunting]

Huh?

Howdy, Clara. What's shaking?

- Nate Wright has gone AWOL.

He was missing from my classroom on a test day.

- Uh, it seems Nate's come down with a little bug.

His dad called in this morning to report his absence.

- So you're telling me that Nate Wright

is legitimately sick?

Open your eyes, Wesley!

Nate is playing hooky,

and he's taking Teddy down with him.

I just know that that wasn't his aunt.

- Are you suggesting you surrendered Teddy

to someone other than a designated pickup person?

Clara, we could lose our jobs!

We need to find a taxi right now!

Where's Galvin? Come on, you bag of bones,

pick up.

- Lederhosen and brussels lace.

Erase, erase,

erase, erase, erase.

- Ah...

What would you have me do, Godfrey?

- I need to take the rest of the day off--

with pay

and a raise,

and you're a chicken.

I'm coming for you, Nate Wright.

- [clucks]

- Gentlemen, we begin our day

in style. - But this is a private club.

Only members can play golf here.

- No worries, Francis. We're not here to play golf.

- Mango papaya juice?

It's on the house.

[all gulping]

[all sigh] - [posh accent] Oh, yes.

Thank you, my good man.

Here, buy yourself something pretty.

[normal accent] Whoo-hoo!

- * Mango papaya power *

[laughter]

[rock music]

- Whoo-hoo! - Yeah!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[laughter]

* *

[laughter]

Look at you--

dancing in public with complete strangers,

just like an '80s movie kid!

Told you you needed a day off.

Was I right or was I right?

- Fine,

maybe a little bit of fun won't kill me.

- Ooh-- [laughs]

anyone else's pits getting steamy?

- Ha ha, the world is our kiddie pool today!

Jump on in!

Alley-oop!

[laughter]

Yeah! I think we're in Shark Week!

Yeah! - Whoo-hoo!

I'm not usually one

for water sports, but, um,

when in Rome, right guys?

[sharks growl]

[all grunt]

[grunts] This was a huge mistake.

I knew I should never have gone out with--

[eagle screeches]

[all screaming]

[eagle squawks]

- Gah, where do you think she's taking us?

- Do I look like I know where eagles hang out?

[dramatic music]

[eagle squawking] [all grunt]

- Uh, I have no clue what's happening,

but I am so here for it.

- You guys, this looks exactly like my house.

- I'm guessing we flew through

and intergalactic vortex

and entered a parallel dimension.

I mean, that's the only logical explanation.

- [squawking]

- * Close your eyes *

* Give me a hint *

- Oh-- [nervously chuckles]

Thank you. [whispers] You guys,

she wants to know if I like her.

What do I do? - What's your heart

telling you? [thud under table]

Ow! - Let's get out of here.

Well, thank you for a lovely time.

- [squawking sadly]

- But we really must be going.

[nervously chuckles]

- [squawking]

[dramatic music]

- [gasps] - [squawking]

- The incompetent PS 38 administration may be blinded

by Nate Wright's dubious charms,

but not Clara Godfrey.

The shenanigans stop today!

[car thuds] Huh?

* *

[screams]

[grunting]

- Hey, Nate...

Good news! Seems I didn't cut the mustard.

I got fired, so I'm free to take Spitsy

to the vet.

Ew, smells like expired blue cheese in here.

Still not feeling so good, buddy?

Yikes. You're breathing like a bulldog

with hay fever. Let ol' dad feel your forehead.

[rope snaps] [grunting]

Oh, no!

Nate, wake up!

Help!

[all scream]

- [squawks]

- [whimpers]

[squawks]

[whimpering]

[crying]

- [squawks]

- Well, that escalated quickly.

- Come on. Let's go find some pizza.

I'm starving. - Okay.

[suspicious music]

* *

[dentures squelch]

* *

[phone rings]

[phone beeps] - Hello?

- [squawking]

- Francis Pope did what?

- [squawking] - After you saved his life?

- [squawking] - I mean, relationships

should always be reciprocal. So yes, Francis

was well within his rights to decline,

but you're right. He didn't have to be

a jerk about it. - [squawking]

- Wait a minute. Was here there alone?

- [squawks] - Surprise, surprise.

I'm gonna need their last known coordinates, stat!

- Everything 'za with extra everything.

- Thanks, Zeff.

Hey, Spitsy do okay at the vet?

- Ah, didn't have chance to bring him in just yet,

but it's on the schedge.

- Zeff! It's almost noon!

He's gotta get over there right away.

Where is he? - He's out back,

enjoying some aire libre.

This little doggy's booty was blowing up like a beach ball--

should probably get that checked out, man.

[both gasp] [shoes squeal]

- Ah! - He escaped!

- I would never paint that dog

as smart enough to pull off a vanishing act.

That's magician level three, man.

- Why would I trust Spitsy to Zeff?

What was I thinking?

- There's no time to freak out, Nate.

It's almost noon. You've gotta go find Spitsy.

- [panting]

[all gasp]

- Going somewhere?

- Well, well,

and again, I say well.

Just as I suspected--

Nate Wright is up to no good.

I'm only moderately surprised

he dragged you into his nefarious antics, Teddy.

But you, Francis?

Clearly, his influence

over you children is growing too powerful.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Godfrey, but I have to go.

I'll explain later--

- You take one step away from me,

and I'll see you in summer school.

I teach every class.

- Some things are more important than my freedom.

I'll see you in summer school.

[grunts]

- I know that boy's a menace,

but I never thought he was this stupid.

- Actually, he's trying to save Spitsy's butt.

- Yeah, it's about to explode

if Nate can't find him and take him to the vet.

- The vet? Wait, are you telling me

there's a cat in danger?

- Oh, no, he's a dog

that Nate really loves.

- Huh, a dog,

not as noble and beguiling a creature as a cat,

but an animal needs help!

Don't just stand there, you imbeciles!

We have to find Spitsy!

- [wailing incoherently]

[rock music]

Yeah.

My son! He was just a boy!

- Spitsy!

Any doggy here see Spitsy?

Spitsy!

- So what does this Spitsy look like?

- He's basically a satellite dish with fur.

- Ugh, he could be anywhere by now.

What's the tallest building in Rackleff?

We need an eagle-eye view of the whole town.

- An eagle-eye view? [laughs]

I know how we can get one of those,

but it will require

a bit of sacrifice from you, heartbreaker.

- Spitsy!

Oh, no, I'm running out of time.

I have to get Spitsy to the vet right now.

Spitsy!

[toilet flushes] Spitsy.

[groans] Spitsy!

Spitsy?

Spitsy!

[grunts]

Spitsy!

[crying]

Spitsy, you lovable dimwit!

[crying]

I've destroyed my best friend!

Who's a good boy? That's right.

You're a good boy!

- [whimpers] - [gasps]

No!

- * Don't have to tell you *

- [whimpers]

- Spitsy!

- * Precious heart *

- [laughs] - [croaks]

[farts]

[all barking]

- * I was standing *

["Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS]

- Spitsy! - [squawks and screeches]

[rock music]

* *

- [screams]

- 'Sup. - [squawks]

[laughter]

- [squawking]

- Oh, you like my glasses? Thanks.

Your, um, your braces are really cool.

- [squawking]

- Especially since eagles don't have teeth.

I learned that in my favorite book,

"The Story That Would Never Stop Ending."

- [gasps and squawks]

- * Turn around *

- You've read it too?

- [squawking]

- * See *

* In her face *

- Yeah! [laughs]

- [clucking]

both: * Make believe I'm everywhere *

- Hey, that's him!

That's Spitsy! Has he been in my yard

this whole time?

both: * Written on the pages *

* Is the answer *

- [squawks]

- Thanks, Falcora! See you at Mahjong Monday!

- Spitsy! Quick, what time is it?

- 11:58 Eastern Standard.

- Gah! There's no way we'll make it

to the vet by noon.

Hey, do you think we can do his butt thing ourselves?

- Expressing butt glands

isn't brain surgery.

In fact, it's basically the opposite

of brain surgery,

but it's a perilous procedure.

Some dogs' glands detonate with a force so magnificent

that many a brave veterinarians perished.

As much as I love animals--

and again, I prefer cats to dogs--

I heart cats,

but dogs are great too--

I'm not sure we can risk it.

- Well, I'm not letting Spitsy down again.

- [panting] - I owe it to him to try.

- [crying]

[gasps]

[dramatic music]

Wow, I'm an '80s movie dad.

[butt rumbles]

* *

- [grunts] Ooh.

- To the left.

[butt squelching]

Now lower.

Now gently palpate.

Compress.

[butt squeaks] Release.

- [farts] - Up, down, up, down,

up, down. - [gasps]

- [grunts]

- Now count to three,

and give a light tap.

- One, two, three.

- Teddy, clear!

He's gonna blow!

[butt rumbling]

- [farts]

[panting]

- [laughs]

- That was way less cool than I was hoping it'd be.

- You impressed me today, Nate.

- Hmm? - You were selfless.

You put the interests of another considerably

greater creature above your own self-interest.

- So, uh, no summer school?

- No, no. Thanks to your heroics

and my dawning realization that I don't wish to spend

all summer with you,

I am reducing your sentence.

- All right!

- Three weeks detention, starting tomorrow.

I'll be bringing Mr. Squigglewhiskers.

He's got some swelling in his rear

I'm gonna need you to deal with.

- [squawking] - [laughs]

Did you know that, uh--

[clears throat] Lovebirds mate for life?

- [squawks] - I agree.

[whispers] It's so romantic.

- [squawks]

- * The mirror of your dreams *

[all chirping]

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