Original subtitles

Due to the global pandemic, residents have been given strict orders of how they can and cannot

interact. We have been tasked to enforce those orders and let's just say it's been interesting...

[Alex] I swear every time I think the world can't get dumber, someone's like hold my keg.

[Intro music]

[Randall] Well good folks, I don't mean to interrupt but due to the pandemic...

[Theo] Oh my god. I'm so sorry we weren't even thinking!

[Randall] It's okay. As long as you keep your distance and wear your mask

it's fine. But thank you for... What is that?

[Theo] It's just some essential oils Wolf's Bane, Witch Hazel,

Phosphorus or as it's also known... "The Cure"

[Alex] Ugh, I can smell it...

[Randall] (Disgusted) I can taste it...

[Alex] If one of you cold brown'd I swear to God!

[Carrie] Oh, you must be talking about our homemade antibiotics.

Yeah; coconut oil; durian paste, arnica...

[Randall] So you guys did all of this to make sure people stay 10 feet away from you?

[Carrie] Oh so you're one of those?

[Alex] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I hope you're referring to people with functioning noses!

[Theo] Whoa, whoa, whoa,The medical industry is a 20 trillion dollar business!

[Alex] ehh...That's just obviously not true.

[Alex] Do you taste that?

[Randall] I do. Taste it.

[Carrie] Insurance companies push drugs on us to make money off of us when nature has every cure we

need for free! You know we haven't followed one rule and haven't had one infection yet.

[Randall Really!

[Carrie] Aside from Celeste, Dawn,

Harmony, Karma... But it's their own fault they were using Opal crystals over Obsidian ugh!

[Randall] Look i don't care if you use Opal crystals, Obsidian crystals

or crystal-light crystals! Look! Just wear your mask okay? Here. Okay. Make sure you

recycle them. You can just spray your little crystal stuff inside. But wear your mask!

[Theo] Are these compostable? Uhh where do we throw these away?

[Carrie] I don't know

[Alex] Put them on or I'll put you on!

[Theo] me off? Put me on? Ah, is he hitting on us? What's up? Hey! We swing!

[Alex] Don't ask!

[Theo] Thursdays!

[Alex] I'm telling you past Caitlyn Jenner in the 70's...

[Dankbank] Hey! What's up my ninjas?

[Alex] Okay, if he's got a mask on nothing makes sense.

[Dankbank] How are my two favorite security guards doing today? Hey,

actually I'm about to get on live real quick if you guys want to hop on with me?

I really want to get out there the message of why it's important to wear your mask.

[Alex] Oh hell yeah, that'd be awesome.

[Randall] No, no. I.. I don't I don't

know I don't get on live. I've never been on live before, right.

[Alex] What are you talking about? We got cameras all the time!

[Randall I know, but that's different. I don't like... what do I do? With my hands?

[Alex] Just put them right on your belt...

[Dankbank] What's good Dank squad? I just wanted to hop on the live real quick

to remind you guys that this pandemic is serious okay? So if you're going outside

you need to wear your mask! All right?

Just because it doesn't affect you

doesn't mean it doesn't affect the people around you right? You got to think of your parents,

your grandparents, okay? It's not just about you. It's about all of us.

[Randall] That's right.

[Dankbank] You guys got anything else you want to add?

[Alex] Uh, no not really. Just listen to Dankbank man. That's the homie!

[Randall] I'm randall.

[Alex] What did you say?

[Dankbank] Hey, think about your first responders okay? These guys

put their lives on the line for our freedom!

[Alex] Well, not really...

[Dankbank] Hm I appreciate what you do man okay. I'll never kneel for that flag! Black

Lives Matter! Hashtag me too! Grab her by the [__]! Go vegan y'all!

[Awkward silence]

[Randall] Trust..trust... that, thank you thank you Dankbank. That's. That

was really helpful and I'm sure that's gonna tell a lot of people what to do...

[Alex] Went a little off the rails at the end... But that was dope man thank you.

[Dankbank] Oh no, I got you. Hey, yo this is gonna get me some major action bro!

Dankbank bout to get all up in that poontank! Thank you!

[Alex] What the hell are you doing?

[Dankbank] Bro! The algorithm eats this mask [__ ] up. You already know I had to get me a piece!

[Alex] Okay, so that's why your causes sounded like you were having a hashtag stroke? Got it

[Dankbank] Bro! I can't put a mask over this pretty ass face! I'm trying

to be like Future! You know what I'm saying?

[Alex] I get it. Mask Off.

[Randall] Who's Future?

[Alex] That's good

[Dankbank]. Nah! I'm trying to [__] Ciara!

[Alex] Okay, I feel that with that.

[Dankbank] Uh.. yeah

[Alex] Yeah I..

[Bump Elbows] [Dankbank]I like that I like that!

[Randall] You know what Dankbank? I think you're right.

[Alex] Randall, No, no, no.

[Randall] I think these masks are... um lame um yeah you

know what I'm saying. I'm gonna, I'm gonna follow your lead okay.

And I'm gonna make sure everybody knows that Dankbank

influenced me! Because you're cool. I wanna be cool. Let's be cool. Dankbaaank!

[Dankbank] Yo if this nerd isn't wearing a mask. Then that's not dank anymore.

[clears throat]

Gotta stay ahead of the algorithm. You know what I'm saying?

[Randall] Good.

[Alex] That really does cover your whole face huh?

[Randall] It does.

[Alex] Ugly people came up.

[Randall] Nice work.

[Alex] Rules are rules.

You better put this back on.

[Randall] Mask on!

[Alex] See future is a rapper... [Randall] Ah

Mr. Stevens... Look at you. Now, you know you're required to wear a mask right?

[Mr. Stevens] And are you two [__] still aware this is the U.S. of [__] - A!?

[Alex] Well it's the state government that mandated the mask requirement so...

[Mr. Stevens] Man so... You guys can't mandate [ __]! The U.S. Constitution! You ever heard of it?

My grandfather didn't fight in Korea for this!

[Randall] We thank your grandfather for his services...

[Mr. Stevens] No he wasn't in the military. He was a taxi driver

and a cage fighter. And people respected him all over Korea whether it was in the

cage or whether he's dropping somebody off at the airport.

And I'll have you know when he left Korea everyone in the peninsula knew his name

as Gingyang son mcgigan. Which means "the masked American".

[Alex] Your grandfather was literally known as the masked American?

[Mr. Stevens] Yes. But it's not what you think. It's not that Nacho Libre

[__]! He was wearing a mask because there was like a... flu back then yeah...

[Alex] You don't see the irony in this?

[Mr. Stevens] No?

[Alex] I'm not the only one hearing this right?

[Randall] You're getting a little bit off subject here.

[Mr. Stevens] What subject?

The subject about your mask being a Liberal plot to overthrow the government?

I'm not believing in that fake news. Never in the history of my great nation

has a bigger hoax been pulled on the people of our country!

[Alex] You've got Watergate uh Iran-Contra...

[Randall] Slavery...

[Alex] Lack of rights for gay people and lesbian people...

[Randall] Jim Crow, Three strike law...

[Alex] Uh Tulsa... I got like 50...

[Mr. Stevens] Okay! Enough! This is harassment. AndII'm not okay with

it. And I'm not gonna be bullied by the likes of you two [__]!

[Randall] Okay, you can be not okay with it all you want. But just be not okay with it

behind a mask! Thank you.Put it on!

[Alex] Punk ass Popeye.

[phone ringing]

[Randall]

Hello? This is Randall with security.

[Mr. Stevens] Yes. This is Mr Stevens. There's a black guy that's harassing me with his partner

for no reason. I was wearing my mask and they started yelling at me. Probably because

I love my country... And uh he's looking at me menacingly right now. Send help fast!

[confesional]

[Alex] Just wear the mask people! Is that so much to ask? Everybody in this town is just

a... a medical professional all of a sudden? You know somebody at the CDC? No you don't! You don't!

[Randall] Maybe I should get Mr. Keene?

[Both] Laughter

[Alex] Oh.. oh god you actually almost had me.

[Randall] Just trying to lighten the mood.

[Alex] No, no I'll listen to Dr. Pepper before I listen to him!

[Randall] Been a long day.

[Carlton] Oh, oh my God... I'm supposed to be wearing a mask aren't I?

[Randall] Yes you are sir.

[Carlton] Uh, I'm so sorry. I know the rules. I know the rules. I figure you two have a lot

better things to do than babysit a bunch of adults who can't even follow the rules, right?

[Randall] ha, ha, ha

[Alex] You would think...

[Randall] Right, right

[Carlton] Oh, man. This pandemic has people acting crazy huh?

[Randall] Yeah.

[Carlton] Yeah. It's like nobody can follow directions anymore.

[Randall] Yeah...

[Alex] You tell 'em man!

[Clayton] Well allow me to be the first to apologize

for the species. Let me... Oh here's my mask

[Randall] Thank you for cooperating. You are doing [Alex] Put on a mask...

[Carlton] No problem

[Randall] Um...

[Alex] That is not a mask.

[Awkward silence]

[Carlton] What is... What's the matter? You boys never seen a man wear a mask before?

[Randall] That's not it, it's just that you know... Your underwear has holes in it

[Carlton] Oh does that bother you? Does that hurt your prude American sexuality?

[Alex] Dude it's been a long day okay! Can you please just

use one of our masks we've got like 50. Will you give me one.

[Carlton] Well, what are you gonna do if i don't huh? You gonna pin me down and arrest me?

[Alex] No?

[Carlton] Yeah? Hold me down, have your way with me?

You'd like that huh? You tall chocolate frosty how about you vanilla? You want

to break me like a Mcdonald's ice cream machine? uhh, why is it always broken?

[Randall] What?

[Alex] Look sir this is your last warning! Okay? You need

to use an approved method to cover your face.

[Carlton] Oh I'll cover my face alright!

[loud noise] [Alex] Oh Jesus! That is assault!

[Randall] Sir, sir sir. N,o no uh-huh... Okay?

[Alex] Don't do that. Come on! What, what the hell are you doing man?

[Carlton] Ah yeah...

[Alex] What the hell are you doing?

[Carlton] Oh yeah! Is this what you want?

[Alex] No!

[Carlton] Yeah! Yeah!

[Randall] Sir, you're gonna hurt yourself.

[Carlton] Oh you would have hurt me yourself huh? Come on you boys...

Bring me your chocolate ice cream swirls uh... [Thuds to the ground]

[Randall] Is he okay?

[Alex] Who cares? Wanna get some ice cream?

[Randall] Yeah.

Put it on when you're up.

[Alex] He kind of sounds like that Hans guy...

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