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1
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[Alex] Yeah we need some healthier snacks
for the break room by the way
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Okay you know the union is not
required to give you healthy
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snacks let it know any snacks but if
you want a list what would that be?
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I don't know something besides candy
and chips, maybe some fruit, nuts?
5
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Oh nuts now we're talking. You
know I really like pistachios
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I love pistachios!
[Randall] yeah
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see pistachios would ,be great I get the ones already deshelled.
8
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Whoa whoa whoa wait wait don't
no no see that that's cheating okay the whole point of eating pistachios is the glorious moment you get when you get
9
00:00:34,043 --> 00:00:37,723
the pearl in the middle see that's
the problem with you gen z kids.
10
00:00:37,723 --> 00:00:40,263
Look, I like busting nuts
as much as the next person.
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Look, I like busting nuts
as much as the next person. [Randall] Oh my gosh...-
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...-but you have such a big stance on me buying shellless pistachios that you want to make it an entire
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generational issue? By the way you get more
per bag when you buy them without the shells
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[Randall] No
[Alex] strategy
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00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:57,483
[Randall] no no that's not true I googled it
all right you do your research you would know
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that the price per pound if you deduct the
weight of the shells, it's the same weight.
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Who the [__] researches pistachios?
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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
19
00:01:15,403 --> 00:01:17,323
All right we got to do a lot of patrolling of the
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neighborhood we got to make sure
everything is completely straight.
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Seems like a lot of walking
22
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Man it's the job
23
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We need a patrol car down here right now on uh
Dexter Street we got a 29 29 somebody breaking in.
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[Over Radio] Copy that
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[Alex] Uh excuse me
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Yeah
[Randall] Hello hello hello
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Yeah
[Hans] What?
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Would you mind telling us why you're trying to
break into the Gilmore's house through the window?
29
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Yeah oh i i apologize i heard your
mother was giving blow jobs in there
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[Randall]What?
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[Alex] [__] watch you okay my mom is a saint.
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[Hans]Oh yeah yeah she is saint the saint blow jobs.
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[Alex] I swear to god okay do not push me.
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Let's go [__] Handle this Randall.
35
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I got this I'm a veteran... sir, yeah you're a
funny guy y'all okay but we called the cops
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you know it's not funny? going to jail.
37
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Well as long as there are conjugal visits so
i can still satisfy Alex's mother I'll be okay.
38
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What?
39
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How do you know my name?
40
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I told you I'm [__] your mother
she talks to me about you all the
41
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:10,843
time she's very disappointed in you
Alex thankfully i never disappoint her.
42
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I swear to god i will slap
you okay, you understand me?
43
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Oh what a coincidence your
mother likes for me to slap her.
44
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:22,683
Wait wait let me handle it, look okay let
me handle i just need to clarify something
45
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right quick alright let me just focus are you
having a romantic relationship with his other?
46
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dude [__] come on man he doesn't
know my mom he's [__] with us man
47
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I wish you wouldn't curse so
much on the job be a professional
48
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Yeah, be professional
49
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Alright, it's protocol to ask these types of
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questions if there is a relationship
between a suspect or family member.
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[Alex]He doesn't know her
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[Hans]Oh don't believe him next week we have a holiday�plan we are going to Napa Valley. Yeah you should
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see the [__] after a couple of white Zinfandels
she gets very loose everything comes off.
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[Randall] Okay okay okay is that a joke
or should i document this?
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[Alex] Come on, man it's a joke
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Look i need to know why you're
trying to break into Gilmore's house!
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Answer him
58
00:03:01,163 --> 00:03:04,363
I am living with the Gilmores you idiots.
59
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Is that truthful?
60
00:03:05,723 --> 00:03:08,603
Yeah that was a fact, you see Alex's mother threw
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me out to the house after trying to
negotiate a three-way with his sister.
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They are angels! They are angels!
63
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You want to go i know krav maga [__]
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[Over radio] Hey guys cops are on their way
65
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also the Gilmores said that they have their
european cousin coming in today they left a set
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of keys for us to give to him, but they haven't
been able to get a hold of him for some reason
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00:03:26,443 --> 00:03:30,843
can you guys maybe take them over there after
this? See if you can find him. His name's Hans.
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[Alex on radio] You can tell the police it's a false alarm
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Well I guess your boys wouldn't
mind giving me a ride then it's
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okay we call it in for the one
I gave your mother last night.
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I swear to god I'll kill you
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I was about to kill that euro trash [__]
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Since i don't have definitive proof
I'm not gonna file any paperwork
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00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:59,883
however I'm not at all totally convinced that Hans
isn't having sexual intercourse with Alex's mom
75
00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:05,083
What are you doing?
76
00:04:05,803 --> 00:04:07,723
I just want a couple more pistachios.
77
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You already had half okay
78
00:04:09,723 --> 00:04:12,443
Is there a pistachio protocol,
would you give me more?
79
00:04:12,443 --> 00:04:15,003
No protocol everyone knows
it's common courtesy okay?
80
00:04:15,003 --> 00:04:18,203
There's about a hundred pistachios
in the bag and you already have 50.
81
00:04:19,643 --> 00:04:23,563
Who are you pistachio rain man
just give me a couple more Randall.
82
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Wait wait wait wait you're right I'm wrong
83
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you didn't have 50 you had 49. this
put you at exactly half a bag enjoy.
84
00:04:39,723 --> 00:04:47,563
Okay, I'm taking you to Vegas.
85
00:04:47,563 --> 00:04:48,363
Attention units we have a report of
a jogger passed out on Beeker St.
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I'll hold these
87
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No you get off my nuts!
88
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It's worse than i thought okay listen
I'm gonna need you to perform CPR alex.
89
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What?
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I trained you for this okay
just remember pump her chest
91
00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:04,043
to the beat three times stand alive by Bee Gees
92
00:05:04,043 --> 00:05:07,163
Got it, yeah, what song is that again?
93
00:05:08,123 --> 00:05:11,003
Oh your favorite tick tock by the
girls she was dancing with the duck.
94
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Oh that shits hilarious yeah
95
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Here we go
96
00:05:14,283 --> 00:05:18,923
Okay she is breathing though She's breathing so
97
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Oh okay all right uh we got we need
a paramedic down to the south side of
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the park we got a jogger that's
incapacitated ambulance okay.
99
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Gentlemen allow me to help I'm a doctor
100
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What Mr Clayton you're a doctor?
101
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Yes Dr Keen chiropractic
102
00:05:37,243 --> 00:05:39,563
Oh i don't think she hurt her
back back up please back up back
103
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If she's got a kink in her neck
we'll call you okay back off
104
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I went to med school I'm a doctor damn it
105
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Sir would you stop quoting Star Trek lines
this is not the time serious matter backup
106
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You need to make sure her clothes
aren't constricting her ability to
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breathe and you got to make sure her
feet are 12 inches above her heart.
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You get your back back up okay
all right we cannot afford the
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liability of an unqualified person
trying to perform CPR on someone.
110
00:06:01,563 --> 00:06:03,163
We would let a dentist touch her before you
111
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:08,923
Those guys are real jerks. I was highest
in my class at UCLA. I am a doctor.
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Oh oh my god ma'am are you okay
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I was about to break your sternum
114
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Yes i i think i just fainted I'm on day four
this juice cleanse i just really don't work out
115
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Yeah lemonade diet?
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Yeah you need any water or anything let us
know okay we've got an ambulance on the way.
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Thank you
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Are you okay barbara?
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Don't touch her!
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Oh Clayton hi what are you doing here?
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Well I was trying to help but
these guys wouldn't let me.
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Well I'm sure for legal reasons they
couldn't i mean they are CPR certified
123
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and you're just a chiropractor I
mean i don't think i hurt my back
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Yes that's literally what he said.
Exactly what I said.
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God we have so much in common.
126
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You know what screw you guys i don't deserve
this i went to medical school alright
127
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Oh Devry has a medical school
128
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Oh [__] i think i did hurt my neck
129
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Oh by your back right?
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Yeah
131
00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:01,323
Oh we do need you hey get
back here please one second.
132
00:07:01,323 --> 00:07:06,123
When Lebron James hurt his back he didn't
go see a dentist no he went to go see a
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chiropractor he went to me! No no he didn't
go to me but he he went to a chiropractor
134
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As far as doctors go i would definitely
rank chiropractors at the bottom of the list
135
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next to dentists or someone
with a phd in philosophy
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Hello if it isn't my stepson, be a good boy
and bring Papa a Hefeweizen out of a cooler.
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I'm about to lose this job
138
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Relax relax do not let him get to you okay
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it's your duty to protect members
of the community including him
140
00:07:39,403 --> 00:07:41,163
Hey Alex, what's up? Do you like the techno?
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00:07:41,163 --> 00:07:44,603
No I don't like say techno matter of fact
you have to turn that [__] down right now
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Oh funny last night your mother told me to turn it
up so the neighbors wouldn't hear her screams and
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pleasures. We made love to Emily's ascension
mix number 72. that's a three-hour mix baby
144
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She said she was in book club
145
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Yeah i booked it with my dick
146
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Handle this Randall you better handle it
147
00:07:59,323 --> 00:08:01,323
I got it, how's It going Mr Hans.
148
00:08:01,323 --> 00:08:03,163
Oh hey Randall, how are you? i like you
149
00:08:03,163 --> 00:08:07,243
How are you doing? Thank you um
excuse my partner for his abrasiveness
150
00:08:07,243 --> 00:08:08,443
Yeah, tell your boy to calm down.
151
00:08:08,443 --> 00:08:12,923
Yes yes um he is correct though
okay we do have a decimal level
152
00:08:12,923 --> 00:08:16,283
restrictions for music in the
neighborhoods loud turn it down
153
00:08:16,283 --> 00:08:19,883
Oh I'm sorry Randall I will turn it
down for you yes sorry about that
154
00:08:19,883 --> 00:08:23,803
Thank you you're you're new to the neighborhood
you you don't know oh yeah thank you so much
155
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,443
Yeah is that easy for you can just be one yeah
156
00:08:26,443 --> 00:08:31,163
By the way be careful drinking too many fluids
yeah I think you know why. Yeah you may drink too
157
00:08:31,163 --> 00:08:35,403
much and have nowhere to urinate and then maybe
later in a panic you urinate in that same cup
158
00:08:35,403 --> 00:08:38,443
and then maybe later you're driving
and you throw the cup out the window
159
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having it unsuspectingly land on a whole family
coming to visit the eldest son at university
160
00:08:43,243 --> 00:08:46,123
to console him after his father's
passing this sound familiar?
161
00:08:46,123 --> 00:08:47,803
Okay dude how the [__] do you know all this?
162
00:08:47,803 --> 00:08:49,476
I told you I [__] your mother,
I know everything about you!
163
00:08:49,476 --> 00:08:51,803
It's getting scary bro it's getting weird.
164
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Suck me alex!
165
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,683
Who the [__] jogs with a cigarette?
166
00:08:54,683 --> 00:09:01,563
Okay relax relax relax relax it's
cool can I ask you something though?
167
00:09:01,563 --> 00:09:02,063
What?
168
00:09:03,323 --> 00:09:09,083
You know I mean it's neither here there but is it
true about you and the urine and the cup and then
169
00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:10,603
you know what's going on right now i mean
170
00:09:10,603 --> 00:09:12,443
It's just it's frightening oh
171
00:09:12,443 --> 00:09:13,963
No it's not true
172
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:19,563
Don't believe him Randall! The
doctor still goes to therapy
173
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God i don't even see him
174
00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:27,563
Okay so where is this the intimate
nature of information that hans possesses
175
00:09:27,563 --> 00:09:35,883
has me once again wondering is he having
sexual intercourse with alex's mom
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