Original subtitles

- [snoring]

- So Annie Edson Taylor was, like, the first person ever

to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and not die.

- Whoo-hoo! Haha!

- Why would someone do that?

- She thought she'd make money off the publicity.

She was a teacher, so she was, like, super broke.

- [sips] [groans]

- Anyway, that's why I did my International Women's Day

report on Annie Edson Taylor,

'cause I think it's, like, totally amazing

when somebody sets a record. - [sighs]

[soft acoustic music]

[bell rings]

Thought-provoking report, Jenny.

Perhaps we could, uh, discuss it later over burritos?

Whoa!

- Jenny, I am love your report

about record-setting waterfall woman!

In Pashkov family, all women set records

back in Stylgravia!

Mother had longest incisors in Stylgravian history.

Grandma Bubina did longest nap ever taken inside of a goat.

[goat bleats]

- That is so awesome. Record-setters are so cool.

- Jenny's into record-setters, huh?

Well, then, I'm gonna have to set an epic record

that proves to her once and for all that I,

Nate Wright, am the greatest of all time!

[screams]

[upbeat music]

- ? Don't want to go to school today ?

? The sun is red hot and I wanna play ?

? But if I get caught they'll make me pay ?

? Detention again ?

- ? Big Nate, Big Nate ?

- ? Math and social studies just ain't my thing ?

- ? Big Nate, Big Nate ?

- ? Rocking with my band is where I'm king ?

? Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test ?

- ? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ?

? Big Nate ?

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- OK, step aside, people.

Make way for PS 38's next record-setter.

- Dude, you've already got the detention record.

Don't get greedy. - Let me guess.

This has something to do with Jenny saying

she thinks it's cool when people set records, right?

- Pfft. What?

Jenny's got a thing for record-setters?

Yeah, I totally forgot about that.

So, anyways, check it out.

I went to the library.

- The library is the seventh best-smelling room in PS 38.

- Chad Fact.

- And I got this book, Rackleff Records.

So all I got to do is pick something in there

and do it slightly better!

- Whoa, this lady set the record

for wooliest nose hair.

[elephant trumpeting]

LifeGoals!

- Do you have any unusual body phenomena?

- Well, I've always suspected my tongue

is kind of on the long side. [bell dings]

[fly buzzing]

- [slurping] - Ugh, ew!

- Sorry, Nate. Chad's got you beat there.

- Hmm, maybe if you stretch it--

- Ugh! - Hello, friends.

Do not forget, I am invite all of you

to Scoopsies parlor of ice creams tonight

for my Lacagravitmulch ceremony!

- Man, I wish I could pronounce Lacagravitmulch ceremony,

'cause then I could ask,

what is a Lacagravitmulch ceremony?

- How many nipples you've got? - Uh, two?

- Darn it!

- Lacagravitmulch ceremony is when

young man leaves old family behind and celebrates

with new family.

- Aw. - Ugh.

- Family of friends.

And Jenny, you are most important family of all.

- That is so sweet!

I'll totally be there after my class.

- [groaning]

- What are the chances you can produce over 800 pounds

of earwax before you turn 18? - Slim.

I'm gonna have to actually do something awesome,

which, let's be honest, that's my specialty.

Hmm. Whoa!

Booyah! That's five!

[laughs] Is this a record?

- The record number of toilet paper rolls stacked

on top of a forehead is 101. You're almost there, Nate!

- [inhales deeply] Whoa!

Whoa! [screaming]

- The record for longest time spent in a maggot bath

is 8 and 1/2 days.

- [whimpering] Oh, OK.

This isn't terrible. [chuckles]

[retches]

OK, they're crawling in my-- no, no, no!

I can't do it!

[jazz music]

- Keep going, Nate!

The longest consensual ballroom dance

between a human and a crocodile is 14 minutes and--

- [screams]

[all screaming]

- [burps] - [screams]

Ugh! - [burp]

[applause] - Sorry, bruh.

Guess he's just not that into you.

- [groans] Setting an epic record

should not be this hard!

- Maybe you can find something you're already good at

and figure out a way to take it to the next level.

- Great idea, Deeds. OK, let's see.

Ooh, I'm good at eating ice cream!

Yeah, what's the record for that?

Oh, man.

Somebody already ate all 65 flavors of ice cream

at Scoopsies. - Oh, yeah, Finnegan Abrams.

He has a plaque on the wall there.

He was a god amongst mortals.

[soaring orchestral music]

- [slurping]

- [groans] No fair!

The good records are already taken.

- Wait a second, bruh!

Didn't Scoopsies just drop a new flavor?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're right!

Yes, they did! 66 scoops, here I come!

[elegant orchestral music]

- Hey, guys, I'll have to cut today's lesson short

'cause I've got a thing, so let's get right to it, OK?

I seriously hope you did the reading.

The final is in, like, a week, and you for real

gotta pass it to graduate from Advanced Astrophysics.

OK, so today, I thought it'd be cool to talk about

how stellar black holes create microquasars

and how supermassive black holes

create active galactic nuclei.

? ?

[upbeat pop music]

- Oh! Mm, mm.

- And last but not least, my man, our newest fla-vor.

- [gasps] The 66th scoop!

[chuckling]

As soon as Jenny shows up for Artur's party,

she'll discover that I, Nate Wright,

have set an epic record.

She'll be eating ice cream right out of my hand!

[triumphant orchestral music]

? ?

- [screams]

[glass shattering]

- [gags] Zeff, are you trying to...

[gagging] Poison me?

This ice cream tastes like frozen toilet water.

- Now, now, little buddy, the funk is intentional.

Flavor number 66 is artisanal egg salad.

The millennials are digging it.

- [gagging] - Huh?

- [gasps]

? ?

- Oh, friend Nate, you are already here!

Welcome to my Lacagravitmulch ceremony!

- [gagging] I wouldn't miss it.

Hey, what's with the spaceship?

- Rocket is symbol of Artur's childhood!

As soon as first tuft of black hair sprouts

from my body, this rocket will launch

into space for to signify my ascent into manhood!

- Uh-huh.

- Pretty exciting, huh, friend Nate?

Since you are early to party,

you have glorious honor of butter my back

to stimulate follicles!

- Come on, Nate, stimulate us.

- [retching]

- Uh, Houston, I'm now in range

of the black hole's gravitational--

[screams]

So anyway that's why you shouldn't fly too close

to the ergosphere of an event horizon, I mean,

unless you want your hoozits and whatzits crushed

into an infinite density. [laughs]

[bell rings] That's all for today.

See you next week.

- Ms. Jenkins, are you still here?

- Um, no. - Oh, phew!

I am so glad we caught you.

An albino panda has been spotted in Shanghai

and is about to give birth! - Wait, are you sure?

Albino pandas are, like, crazy rare.

It would have to be, like, one of the last ones on Earth.

- Exactly! That's why we called you!

As the world's foremost authority on albino pandas,

you're the only person qualified

to supervise the labor and ensure the safety

of perhaps the last albino panda on Earth!

- Uh, I don't know.

I mean, I for sure want to help,

but my boyfriend really wants me

to go to his Lacagrav--

- Ms. Jenkins, the entire future

of the albino subset of the panda species

rests in your hands!

- Yeah, no, totally. [sighs]

I'm sure this will only take a sec.

? ?

- ? So that is the way you milk raccoon ?

? Milk raccoon, milk raccoon ?

- Hmm.

- The things they don't show you on the Science Channel!

- Thank you, friend raccoon.

Your rich, chunky milk will help me walk path to manhood.

[raccoon chirps]

[humming melody]

Please to blend this for me, friend Zeff?

- Right on.

[upbeat folk music]

? ?

- Ooh.

Sardine milk beverage will ensure my back hair

is to grow long, lustrous, and emit odor,

which will prove irresistible to my one true love.

- Hmmph. - But is not all good news.

According to old Stylgravian legend,

sultry new man musk will be also irresistible

to man-eating Azdaya. - [laughs]

Now we're talking.

- [growls]

[sniffs] - Uh, hello.

- [cawing] - [screams]

- [gulps] [burps]

- [chuckles]

- But not to fear, my beloved Jenny

may keep Azdaya at bay by wearing my first tuft

of back hair in locket around her neck.

- [screams] - [gulping]

- Ooh. [gagging]

Bleh, bleh. - [sighs]

I hope my Jenny will be come quickly

so I am not to be Azdaya dinner.

But of course, I understand that she is busy girl.

Come, Lacagravitmulch family!

We will distract ourselves from possibility of violent death

through merriment! [laughs]

? ?

- Jenquala! Jenquala!

Jenquala! [laughter]

- Oh, please. Anyone can do that.

Hey, check this out! - Oh!

- Jamiroquai!

[grunting] [groans]

- Good try, friend Nate.

[devils laughing]

- [growls]

- Go, Artur! Go, Artur!

- Mm, hmm. Ah-choo!

- Oh! Oh! - [groans]

[grunting]

- Oh, that's a cheeky move, bruh!

- I've been training my buttocks muscles

for many years in case I am to be needing them one day.

- Not cool, Nate.

You could have really hurt Artur.

- Oh, friend Nate, do not feel bad.

You are boy. I am man.

It's not easy for boy to hold man up in the air.

- [growling] - Oh!

- [roars] - [straining]

[grunting]

- Way to be dramatic, Artur. It's not that heavy.

[straining] Ow!

- Nate, It's OK that you have weak arms like underfed baby.

At other things, you are actually very good,

like coloring funny pictures.

- Uh... [laughs]

It's not coloring, Artur. It's cartooning.

And yeah, I am pretty good at it.

Hey, wait a minute.

- Maybe you can find something you're already good at

and figure out a way to take it to the next level...

[echoing] Level...level...

- [chuckles]

[upbeat music]

? ?

- She's doing great. One more push and--

- [panting]

[straining]

- [crying]

[all cheering]

- Good job. He's a cute one.

You can, like, eat sushi and aged cheeses again

if you're into that kind of thing.

Sorry to deliver and run, but I've got to get

to my boyfriend's party.

Speaking of which, how's my hair?

There's no panda juice on it, right?

- Excuse me. - Hmm?

- Ms. Jenkins, I have an urgent message from NASA.

Your expertise is needed immediately

at the International Space Station.

- Hey, sorry, can we unpack this later?

I'm like so late to my boyfriend's party.

It's really important to him.

- More important than thwarting an asteroid

which is hurtling toward Earth

and is sure to result in the destruction of humanity?

- I guess not? Yeah, OK, coming.

[soft dramatic music]

- Oh. Now we're talking.

Greetings, America, from Rackleff, Maine.

Nate Wright, 11-year-old artistic genius here,

and I'm about to become the first cartoonist in history

to have my comics displayed in outer space.

Go forth and prosper, Nate.

Now, let's all stand back and behold

the record-setting moment as it--

[console beeps harshly] Huh?

[groaning] Oh!

- [straining]

Oh, oh, oh!

[all cheering]

- At last, I am Mr. Artur Pashkov,

world's newest man! [all cheering]

- [screaming]

- I'm gonna ask Gram if I can have

a Lacagravitmulch ceremony. - [screaming]

- I've already got the back hair.

? ?

- [screaming]

? ?

[gasping] Oh, this is bad!

This is really bad!

I have no idea how to steer this thing!

I'm only a kid!

No kid has ever gone to space before.

No kid has ever gone to space before!

I'm the first kid in space!

[laughs] Sweet!

Wait until Jenny hears about this!

Uh, hello, everyone.

This is Nate Wright, artistic genius

and astronaut, coming to you live from the--

uh, let's see. Where am I?

[console beeps]

[screaming]

- Are you sure we're doing this right?

- Yeah, we have it under control.

- OK, thanks.

It just would make me look really bad if an asteroid

hits Earth during my shift, so I want to make sure--

- Take a chill pill.

I redirected the asteroid into the Pacific Ocean.

Peace out, Jason. [alarm blaring]

- Hold up.

It looks like there's a kid out there

free floating through space. - [screaming]

- We should go get him.

- Huh, no, you go get him.

We--meaning I--have to leave. I'm super late to a thing.

- You know, the kid's only got 15 seconds

before he passes out.

Then his tongue and eyeballs will boil.

And then his body's gonna--

- Don't, Jason-splain to me, Jason.

I'm an expert in my field. I understand how space works.

I just thought you could help out for once.

- Hm. [munching]

- Ugh! Fine.

- Ah.

- [roaring] [clucking]

[roaring]

[together] Go! Go! Go!

[laughter]

- [cawing]

[ominous music]

- [groaning]

Oh, great.

Now Jenny's never--

ugh--never gonna see how-- ugh--

amazing I am, how--

ugh--amazing we'd be together.

I can't feel my butt.

[groaning] [gasps]

[groans] Uh, Jenny!

Jenny, you're here! Hey, guess what!

I set a record!

Yeah, I'm the first kid in space!

- ? Nate, I know you're like super into me ?

? But I'm not feeling the same ?

? I gotta be honest ?

? Sometimes you are totally lame ?

- Lame? [laughs]

No, not me. What do you mean?

- ? Like that time you came over ?

? And you wet your pants ?

? And when you let the lizards loose in the vents ?

- Oh! No, no, no, actually, that's a funny story.

You see, I was trying to--

- ? Oh, and also that time you almost ruined ?

? Our school's only dance ?

- OK, this is a minor setback, but no need to panic.

I just need to explain myself.

? Jenny, when I did that, I was just a kid ?

? But now I'm like super old ?

? Fine, I've made some mistakes ?

? But don't throw me out in the cold ?

? One of these days, I will finally show you ?

? What a really great guy I am ?

? I'm way cooler than Artur ?

? We all know that guy smells like ham ?

- ? Oh, Nate, when I met you ?

? You were just a kid ?

? But now you are like basically a man ?

? You're totally right ?

? Artur does smell like ham ?

- ? She sees that I'm awesome ?

? Jenny sees that I'm awesome ?

Oh! Hey! Hey!

You didn't happen to see a cell phone

anywhere out there, did you?

Yeah, yeah, it's got proof on it that I--

well, I really need it.

Yeah, you see, there's-- there's this girl,

Jenny, who's just like totally my soulmate.

But, ugh.

And then there's this guy Artur who's--

he's just the worst, so annoying.

Anyway, Jenny's all into these people who set records.

And, like, I'm telling you, that cell phone video

proves without a shadow of a doubt that I--

I'm the first kid in space.

[raccoon chittering]

[screaming] Oof!

Ugh. Oh.

So that's how you open the door.

You know, you guys should really label that lever.

OK, well, I think I'm getting a little more oxygen now,

so thanks, I guess.

[soft dramatic music]

- [sighs]

? ?

- [growling] - Beat it, mutant chicken.

- [clucking] [roaring]

[clucking]

Then the shepherd says-- oh, Jenny, my love!

I was worrying you would not make party.

- Sorry I'm late.

I made you your favorite pie, organ meat medley.

- Whoa, Jenny bakes? [chuckles]

Now I can see why Artur is so into her.

- [sniffs] What is that amazing smell?

[sniffing]

Oh, Artur!

- You are enchanted of my musk.

So it is written in the stars that you are my one true love.

- Duh. - Hi, hi, hi.

That fish milk wasn't as gnarly as I thought it'd be.

Churned some into ice cream if anybody wants a free sample.

- Hard pass. - Yeah, harder pass.

- I would love to, but I'm only allowed to try exotic milks

under parental supervision.

- Whoa, whoa, wait!

If I eat that, it'll be my 66th flavor in a single day!

I'll break the record!

[munching]

[gulps]

- Looks like we here at Scoopsies

have got ourselves a new record holder!

[all cheering] - Congratulations, friend Nate.

- Hey, hey, hey, Jenny, you realize what this means?

I set a record!

- OK. I'm so happy for you.

- [whimper] Oh.

[grumbles]

[somber music]

- Nate, that was legendary! - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it doesn't matter.

You called it from the beginning, Deeds.

I only wanted to set a record to impress Jenny,

and she doesn't even care. [gags]

And now I feel like I'm gonna barf again.

- She's just not your person, Nate.

That's what she keeps trying to tell you.

And you really, really got to listen to her.

- Sorry I tossed your portrait prematurely, bro.

Why don't I take your photo?

I can get it developed in five to seven business days.

[camera clicks]

- It's OK, Jeff.

I'm not really feeling like capturing the moment

right now if you catch my drift.

I'll just draw you another one.

[tender music]

? ?

- That's a good drawing. - Huh?

- I like the way you drew your hair.

- Oh, uh, thanks. Uh, you're Ruby, right?

- Yeah, I sit behind you in art class.

Hi. - Uh, hey.

So are you here for Artur's party, or?

- Nah, I just came in for ice cream.

I don't really know anyone in Rackleff well enough

to be invited to the ragers. - Oh, no, no, no, don't worry.

[chuckles] You didn't miss much.

- Might I recommend the sardine milk medley?

You don't have any raccoon allergies, do you?

- Bleh! - Hey, do you want to--

I don't know-- get out of here?

I could show you around town. - Um, yeah.

- Mm. [slurping]

Mm.

- Is there anybody you need to say bye to?

- Thank you for to wear my hairs always

and keep me safe from Azdaya.

This is fur of panda.

You were off saving the world again, weren't you?

- You know me so well.

[both sighing]

- Hm. No, I'm good.

- [laughs]

- So, uh, you're an artist too?

- Yeah, I do some cartoons, but I'm super into sculpture.

I'm currently experimenting with different mediums--

chalk, rendered deer fat, cheesy snacks.

- Whoa, that's so cool! Can I see your work?

- Sure. - [clucking]

[screeches]

[phone ringing]

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