Original subtitles

[grand music]

- Fun fact number, uh, 74 about me,

I have an arch nemesis.

His name is Nolan Vaughn,

and we've been waging a prank war since third grade.

[screams] - [laughs]

[loud fart]

- That war has continued to this very day.

- So I switched out Nate's bike wheels

with deep dish pizzas. - Nice one, Nolan.

[laughs] Saucy!

- What is wrong with this thing?

- Oh, come on. Just open the locker.

- [grunts] Finally! Stupid locker.

After school, move all my stuff into your locker.

- Whatever you say, Nolan.

- Hold it! This was supposed to--

[groans] Why didn't it-- - [chuckles]

[electronic beep]

[explosion] - Ah!

[grunts]

[laughter] - You got glued!

- Security! [snaps fingers]

- This isn't over, Nolan!

What--what are you looking at?

Haven't you seen a clown chicken before?

I'll be-- [squawks, clucks]

[upbeat music]

- ? Don't want to go to school today ?

? The sun is red hot and I wanna play ?

? But if I get caught they'll make me pay ?

? Detention again ? - ? Big Nate, Big Nate ?

- ? Math and social studies just ain't my thing ?

- ? Big Nate, Big Nate ?

- ? Rocking with my band is where I'm king ?

? Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test ?

- ? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ?

? Big Nate ?

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

[bell rings]

- Prepare yourselves, young thespians,

for The Mainiactors Acting Competition,

where 11-year-olds partner up to perform

wildly age-inappropriate scenes from the classics!

- What if your age is undefined?

- Oh, you needn't worry, Randall.

I'm sure they make exceptions for prodigies like yourself.

This is a make it or break it opportunity

for all you amateur thespians.

Make it, and you'll be on your way

to a bright, multi-hyphenate career!

Break it, and you'll be living in your parents' basements,

relieving yourselves in a bucket

for the rest of your lives.

Or the life of your bucket. - [chuckles]

- A highly-esteemed actor will judge this year's competition.

- Let me guess.

'Tis you... - 'Tis moi...

both: Lagaze!

[laughs]

Only one young thespian

will be crowned this year's Maniactor.

I recommend you choose your scene partners wisely,

or else. [ominous music]

- Ugh.

- Nolan may have won this round,

but I will win the war!

Teddy, whatcha got?

- Ew. What is that?

- The Butt Bomb 4000.

It provides an immersive fart experience.

- Genius!

Francis, How's that fire ant milking coming along?

- [gasps] Great.

- Everyone must make sacrifices

in the war of awesome versus evil.

- Speaking of the war, what if you called a truce?

- And let Nolan win?

Are you quite mad, good sir?

- Francis has a point, man.

I don't want to waste all my best pranking years

on Nolan. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's almost intolerable.

- And I have a small twig growing out of my ear.

- That's, uh, great, Chad.

- Thanks! I knew you guys would be happy for me.

- Dee Dee, how about you?

- [groaning] - Uh, Dee Dee?

Dee Dee? What's up?

- Oh, she's got the scene partner blues.

- It's this Mainiactors Acting Competition.

Doctor Lagaze says it's our last chance to make it big,

but I need a showstopping partner.

- Why don't you hold auditions after school?

Maybe someone will surprise you.

- It couldn't hurt.

- Now, I need a scene partner, and I need one pronto.

Who's got that star power stank?

Talk to me, people!

- [inhales]

Would you mind if I started over?

- You haven't said anything yet.

? I wrote the letter in blood red ink to paint

? The picture I was trying to get done with the deep ?

? ?

- [laughs]

- Uh, what should I do?

- Surprise me.

- [farts]

- Special delivery!

- [hisses]

- [grunting]

- What's up with Brussels sprouts?

We keep telling our parents we don't like them.

Oh, and how about arugula?

Or should I say, a-pew-gula?

? ?

[chattering]

- [yells]

- [laughs]

- You'll never out-prank me, Nate Wright!

I'm stronger, I'm smarter--

- And you stink at snappy comebacks.

- Hmm. Well, I'm rich, too.

I'm way richer than you are. - Pfft, so what?

Besides, I've got something very important

that you will never have.

- What's that? Toe fungus? - Yeah! Uh, no!

I'm talking about friends, jerkweed.

Friends!

[dramatic music]

- I have friend.

He or she or they are just not here right now.

? ?

[chuckles]

Friends, huh?

Thanks, Nate Wright.

You just handed me the weapon that's going to take you down.

[cackles]

- [sighs] Alas, my acting career is over.

I'm already 11, and I don't even have

a celebrity candle that smells like my teeth.

- Unique New York, round and down,

red rubber baby buggy bumpers.

[vocalizing]

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- Uh, me? I was--nothing.

I just happened to overhear your, um, your--

- I was doing vocal warm ups. - Yeah, but why?

- Isn't it obvious? I'm getting my voice nice and ready

for the Mainiactors Acting competish. Ever heard of it?

- Since when did you get into theater?

- Oh, I've always been a thespian--

that means actor-- it runs in my blood.

- [groans]

- [dramatically] Can't you see, Margaret?

It's this place that's tearing us apart!

You think I like leaving you every night?

I can't help it! And I am ashamed, Margaret.

[crying] I am ashamed!

- He's actually good. [groans]

- OK, I called this emergency meeting

to discuss my next move in the ongoing

Nate versus Nolan prank war. Now, what I'm thinking is--

uh, hang on. Where's Dee Dee?

- She's in the auditorium rehearsing with Nolan.

And spoiler alert.

Their chemistry, it is sizzling!

both: What?

- Dee Dee's making dra-magic with my arch enemy?

What is she thinking?

Don't worry, Amy. I'll take care of this.

- Don't do it on my behalf.

I don't want to be a helicopter girlfriend.

Yes, I do. I'll go with you.

- [dramatically] Where were you, Howard?

- What do you care, Margaret? I'm home now.

- [gasps] So it is true!

- Hey, Nate. Nice theater. Sike!

- Nate, it's, uh-- not what it looks like.

- [laughs]

It's exactly what it looks like.

- OK, not helping.

Amy, what are you doing here?

- I should be asking myself the same question.

That came out wrong.

- Dee Dee, what gives?

How come you're contorting with the enemy?

- Nolan's not the enemy. He's a really good actor.

And I'm--well, I'm thinking of partnering with him

for the Mainiactors competition.

[dramatic music]

- You cannot be serious.

- I could have a real chance of winning!

- Is there a problem, milady?

- Whoa, guy. Who are you calling "milady"?

- No, there's no problem. They were just leaving.

- Fine! We'll leave.

But I'll be watching you, Nolan.

And I've got my eye on you like a hawk.

Ca-caw! [grunts]

Like a hawk!

- [screams] All good.

- Ca-caw, caw!

- I'm so glad you decided to join me

and my friends tonight, Dee Dee.

- No offense, Nolan,

but I didn't really know you had friends.

- [laughs] Hashtag harsh! But fair.

I suppose I am a bit of a lone wolf.

But you haven't met the real Nolan.

[tires screech]

- [gasps]

[laughter]

- Attention people!

I want you to meet my fellow actor and...

[clears throat]

hopefully, my new scene partner,

Dee Dee Holloway!

[all chattering]

- Hi, I'm Cassandra.

I got my first acting job in utero

doing a prenatal vitamin commercial.

Now I'm playing Baguette Number Two

in "Les Mis�rables" on Broadway.

- Oh, sacr� bleu!Broadway! Like, for real?

Huh? Eh? - Oh!

- Uh, sorry. What are you doing?

- I'm mirroring you! [laughs]

It's an acting exercise.

both: Whoa! This is cool!

Jinx! Double jinx!

[both laugh]

- Tell me about your career, Dee Dee.

What's your latest project?

- Oh, um, I was in a commercial.

- That's where I recognized you from!

? Don't cast your thunder asunder ?

- Here's some roses just because!

- Oh, thank you.

Wow, Nolan, your friends are so cool,

and serious about acting.

- I know. We're the real deal.

Aren't you glad you picked me as your scene partner?

- I think I may have misjudged you, Nolan.

[dramatic music]

- I can't tell if this is a theater group

or a holiday I don't know about.

- Oh, I like those.

Gram has one where she sneaks into my room

on the 5th of September and screams.

She calls it...

[in guttural voice] "Chad."

- [shudders]

- This is serious, guys.

Dee Dee is being brainwashed by Nolan!

- I don't know, Nate. She seems really happy.

- [groans] - Nate's right.

Not to be all "I'm from New York,"

but I'm from New York, so I know theater kids.

And I didn't hear one show tune or see anyone crying on cue.

- Exactly. Which means it's time we do a little research

on Nolan's theater friends.

- Zip! - Zap!

- Zop!

[laughter]

- Ooh, [indistinct]

- What? This Cassandra kid is 23 years old!

- Guys, listen to this!

"Scene one, Nolan's.

"Nolan introduces Dee Dee to his theater friends.

"Scene two, park.

Nolan and Dee Dee play Zip, Zap, Zop with theater friends."

- Holy cow!

They've got everything scripted out.

- It's like Dee Dee's life is a TV show!

- I wonder who plays me? I hope he's hot.

[laughter] - Oh, man, this was so fun.

- Now's our chance. Follow Nolan!

? ?

[whistles]

- Ah!

- [shouts, laughs]

- How were we?

- Fully believable.

Dee Dee didn't suspect a thing. - Yes!

I told my husband I could still play 11 to 15-year-olds.

[bells ring]

- Thanks for the gig, Nolan.

[voice breaking] My career has really dried up

since my voice started changing.

- Ugh, I thought I had my embryonic foot in the door,

but I haven't gotten any acting gigs since.

- Hey, it pays to be friends with Nolan Vaughn.

- Right on. - Yeah, it does.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Well, gang, I think we have all the evidence we need.

It's crystal clear that Nolan is using Dee Dee

as a pawn in our prank war.

Step one, Nolan pretends to be interested in acting.

- [gibberish] - Fake!

- Step two, using actors posing as theater kids,

he convinces Dee Dee to be his partner in the competition.

- [gibberish] - [gibberish]

- Fake!

- Step three, during the competition,

he humiliates Dee Dee on stage,

knowing that will lure me out of the audience.

- [gibberish]

[crying]

- Step four, he then proceeds to punk me

in front of a packed auditorium

and declares himself the winner of the prank war.

- [laughs] - [screams]

Ow, my elbow! - It's diabolical.

- Wow. I can't believe Nolan would do that.

[door slams] Ah!

- Do what? - Ooh!

Uh, Dee Dee!

Nolan's friends are really--

well, they aren't who they say they are.

- What are you talking about?

- We did some digging around in their bags

while you guys were at the park and--

- Wait, hold up. You guys were spying on me?

- Well, um, yeah, but it was for your own good.

See, it turns out that Nolan was all along--

- I don't want to hear it.

I can't believe you were spying on me!

- We were worried about you. - Huh.

And what about you, Nate? Were you "worried" about me?

Or were you just obsessed with taking Nolan down?

- Uh, can't I be both?

- I'm going over to Nolan's to rehearse.

Don't follow me!

- I sort of think Dee Dee's right.

We made a mistake.

- Guys, guys, guys, we can't give up now.

Remember who we're dealing with?

Nolan Vaughn. I know how his mind works.

- Dude, enough with all the Nolan Vaughn stuff.

You're obsessed!

Uh, I'm out. - Hmm.

- [scoffs] I'm not obsessed.

But we should probably go over to Nolan's

and track his movements, you know?

Just to make sure that Dee Dee's OK, of course.

- Totally.

- Dee Dee, I love the daring choices

you're making in this scene.

- Thank you, Nolan, but--

[sighs] - What's wrong?

- Oh, it's just your friends all have such amazing careers.

Me? [groans]

- You will be a bigger star

than all my friends put together.

I promise you, tomorrow,

everyone's going to know the name Dee Dee Holloway.

- Ah!

- Gah! What a phony Nolan is!

Pretending to be Dee Dee's friend

so he can make a fool of her at the competition.

We can't let him get away with it!

- I agree, but Dee Dee knows we suspect him.

If we want to keep an eye on things,

we'll have to go deep undercover.

- No problem. Deepness is my specialty.

- What?

- Welcome to the Mainiactors Regional Acting Competition!

[cheers and applause]

- W--wait!

- [gasps] What's this?

A dramatic entrance?

- We want to be in the competition!

- Ah, yes!

I sense your drive, your hunger,

your desperation.

Congratulations! You're in.

- I'm not leaving you behind!

- I'm already gone, Klausky. [coughs]

Half my torso is spread across Normandy beach.

Just promise me you'll do one thing for me!

- Anything.

- I scooped out my kidney and put it in my right pocket.

[gasps] Make sure my son gets it.

Promise me you'll--

[choking]

- No!

[cheers and applause]

- Oh! [sniffles]

Nothing like a battlefield scene

to get the waterworks going.

Can you top that, Ms. Holloway?

[western music]

- We've eaten all our rations and--

[music stops] [chickens clucking]

[sheep baaing]

Line.

- Now we're gonna have to eat each other.

- And now we're going to have to eat each other.

[horse neighing]

[both gnawing]

- Such animal magnetism!

[sneaky music]

- Psst!

? ?

- Hey, aren't those Nolan's fake actor friends?

- What's he up to?

- [groans]

- Excuse me, Dee Dee.

I need to...poop.

- I understand. Shed your baggage.

[sneaky music]

- Mm, do you have them?

- Got 'em right here, just like you ordered.

- And what about the...

other items we discussed?

- Ah, here you go, chief.

- But it has to be a surprise.

Don't bring this stuff on stage until I give you the signal.

- 10-4, boss.

She'll never know what hit her.

- [gasps] Did you hear that?

- Nolan's going to hit Dee Dee with whatever's in the box.

- Oh, not today, he's not.

- No, Nate! If we expose Nolan now,

Dee Dee won't be able to do her scene.

She'll lose her chance to win the competition,

and she'll be devastated!

- OK, then, fine.

We'll wait until the very last moment.

- [breathing heavily]

- Finished. I punished that porcelain.

- Um, good.

I think we're up.

[exhales]

[dramatically] Where were you, Howard?

- What do you care, Margaret?

I'm home now.

Ain't that good enough for you?

- You're not fooling anyone, Howard!

Where do you go every night?

- Well, if you're going to keep asking,

I guess I'll have to tell you everything.

- [whispering] What are you doing?

This isn't in the script.

- Margaret, prepare yourself for the surprise of your life.

- Not so fast!

- [gasps]

- Nate? Amy? What are you doing here?

- [whispering] Don't break character, Dee Dee.

Keep the scene going.

[loudly] Who are you two strangers?

- We are, uh--

- The police! - Your neighbors.

- Uh, your police neighbors!

We've come to expose Howard for the scoundrel that he is.

- Howard, what are these police neighbors talking about?

- We're talking about this. - Hey! Give it to me!

- First, you're gonna tell us what's in the box.

[grunts] Hand it over! - No!

[grunts] You fools!

You've ruined everything!

- You thought you were gonna get away with your evil plan.

But you forgot I'm the prank king.

- Ah! Ooh! - [gasps]

Flowers?

Nolan, what is going on?

- Um, I was improvising. They were for you.

- Dee Dee, your acting partner is a fraud.

Those probably aren't even flowers.

Actually, you know what? They could be dynamite.

Duck and cover, everybody! This place is gonna blow!

[audience gasps] - Grenade!

- "Dearest Dee Dee, please be my sweetie.

I had fun in our scene and I think you're so keen"?

- Oh, no.

- W--wait a minute. What's happening right now?

What about our prank war?

- We saw you pay those actors to do your evil bidding.

- I admit, this all started as a plan to take you down, Nate,

by destroying your friendship with Dee Dee.

But you won me over with your passion,

your spirit, your star quality.

- Uh-huh. Keep talking.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on.

Let me see this.

"But you won me over with your passion,

your spirit, your star quality."

Dee Dee, this jerk is still acting!

This is all part of his plan! [audience gasps]

- And it worked!

I kept you on stage long enough to do this.

[dramatic music]

- [slow motion] No!

[rope snaps]

- [yells]

- [grunts]

So you only chose me as a scene partner

so you could settle a score with Nate?

- Uh...yeah, basically.

- And Nate, you were so obsessed with

your stupid prank war that you invaded my privacy

and turned my scene into a dumpster fire?

- "Dumpster fire" feels a little extreme.

- Dee Dee, I--

- Don't get me started on you, girl!

Oh! [exhales deeply]

You know what? You know what?

I don't need some dumb competition to make me a star.

I'll get there on my own! [audience gasps]

I quit!

[distant scream]

- [clapping slowly]

[cheers and applause]

- Wow.

Hey, Dee Dee. I think that's all for you.

- I think we all know who the winner of

tonight's Mainiactors Competition is.

Randy!

- [gasps]

[grand music]

[music stops]

[groans]

- Dee Dee. - [groans]

[door slams]

[cardboard bangs] [groans]

[bell rings]

[grunting]

- Let me get that for you.

- Thanks.

- I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Dee Dee.

You can take care of yourself.

I was being a helicopter girlfriend.

- And I was being a first-rate jerk.

I'm sorry, Dee Dee. You deserve better.

- That's OK, guys.

I realize Dr. Lagaze was wrong anyway.

I'm not behind in my career.

I'm right where I need to be.

[clapping]

- Bravo.

- Ugh. - Ah!

- What do you want?

- I just thought I'd drop by to see how heartbroken you are.

After all, for one brief, thrilling moment,

you thought you were about to be my girlfriend.

- [groans] - That wasn't happening.

- And I'm here to let you know

that you may have escaped my sandbag prank,

but our war will never end.

Not until I completely annihilate you. [laughs]

- Yeah, just, uh, hold that thought, Nolan.

I'm sorry. It's just-- [grunts]

The darn thing won't open. - Uh, here, here, let me try.

You just gotta-- [grunts]

- [grunts] Use some elbow grease.

- Oh, this is pathetic.

Just move out of the way. I'll do it.

[shouting]

This is the last time you punk me!

You hear me, Nate Wright?

You're going down! [choking]

- [sighs] I'll miss that guy. - Really?

- No. I was acting.

[laughter] Aw, man.

[upbeat rock music]

? ?

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