Original subtitles

[rock music]

- Are you a fan of Beardy Yum Yums?

all: Yeah! - Well, too bad,

because there's a new snack favorite in town.

Introducing

the new and improved

Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums--

now with twice the flavor and twice the beard!

And for the first time, the Eew Corporation

has made their delicious beard snack 100% organic!

- Organic power!

* *

all: Ah!

- Made from sustainable ingredients,

Organic Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums

are a healthy alternative that can be eaten

whenever and wherever the urge hits you.

[medical device beeping]

- After a ten-hour surgery,

I can sure use a pick-me-up.

[chips crunch] Thanks, Eew Corp.

- When you're a long way from home, it's nice to know

there's a healthy snack you can count on.

Thanks, Eew Corp.

Ah-- [screams]

- Organic Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums,

the nourishing beard treat

the whole family can enjoy.

all: Mmm! That's good beard!

Only available in Eew Corporation-branded

vending machines. Demand your office, school,

fitness center or local hospital

install one today!

- [laughs] This is it!

This is how I will be remembered!

I will bring Organic Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums

to PS 38!

This is my legacy!

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go to school today *

* The sun is red hot, and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

* Big Nate! *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Principal Nichols, PS 38 deserves a new snack machine,

something we can be proud of,

filled with wholesome, organic snacks,

like our forefathers intended.

- Nate, I appreciate your passion,

but we already have a snack machine.

- You mean Old Hank?

- Wah, it's piercing my skin!

[suspenseful music]

[machine munches]

- [screams]

- Come on, you stupid pile of junk.

Give me my Crab Doodles!

[machine rattles]

- Please! A new snack machine

could be my legacy!

- Son, your legacy will be the butt print you've left

on your favorite chair in the detention room.

- True, my butt is legendary.

But I'm talking about what I wanna leave behind

for the school, for the children,

for all mankind.

- Nate, I'm a week away from renting our soccer field

to grazing cattle.

We simply can't afford a fancy new snack machine.

- What if I could raise the money?

- Hmm...

[all cheering] - Students of PS 38!

Teachers, friends!

and Gina. - [grunts]

- Too long have we suffered under the yolk of tyranny

known as Old Hank.

- [scoffs] Old Hank gave me coin acne!

- Old Hank ate my favorite hand!

- Old Hank put my parents in prison!

[record scratch] Sorry, what rally

is this again? - I say to you

that a proper snack machine is not just a privilege,

but a right! That is why I, Nate Wright,

have decided to make an Eew Corp-branded

state-of-the-art snack machine

filled with healthy Organic Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums

my legacy at PS 38!

[all cheer]

- Stop!

Stop this fraud!

all: Aw. - Nate Wright,

you claim these snacks are healthy,

but have you even read the ingredients?

- I don't need to, okay?

It says right on the package, "Organic,"

which means it's true. That's the law.

[all cheer]

- Companies don't lie!

- Yeah, heretic!

- Stop!

Open your eyes, you pinhead!

Ah!

- The road to snacking bliss

will not come without a cost!

6,000 bucks, actually.

Fortunately, I, Nate Wright,

have devised a plan to raise the money.

All right, now, let's get out there and make my legacy

a reality! Montage time.

- * 'Cause I'm on top of the world, hey! *

[laughter]

- Oh.

- The dream always begins the same--

I'm on a trampoline--

[both scream]

- [chuckles nervously] Bye.

- [grunts] Problems with mother begin

begin shortly after I arrived from her womb.

[register dings]

- * And I know it's hard *

- [screaming]

[register dings]

- * Get up now, get up *

[rooster clucks]

- [snickers]

- Shame.

Shame.

Shame!

- Adios, old timer!

- Snack you later, loser!

- Don't let the door hit ya

where your manufacturer split ya!

all: Ooh! Ah!

[majestic music]

* *

Wow!

- Pretty awesome, Nate.

Proud of you. - Me too.

Nate Wright committing a selfless act is...

- It's a stinking miracle, bro! That's what it is.

- Like heaven opened up

and said, "Eat me." [giggles]

- Thanks, guys. Ah, what can I say?

I'm a giver. It's who I am.

It's what I do.

* *

[all cheering]

all: Ooh!

Ah...

- Nate Wright,

since you are responsible

for this marvelous snacking technology,

I think it's only fair-- - [gasps]

- If you get the first bag.

[coin shings]

- Don't mind if I do.

[machine beeping]

- Beardy... both: Yum Yums.

- [gasps] [inhales]

[sighs]

- Stop! [record scratches]

- [groans] Not again.

- Principal Nichols, a snack machine full of junk food

is in direct violation

of PS 38's charter.

- This is clearly your handwriting on toilet paper,

Gina, and I hope this is brown ink.

- [grunts] Open your eyes, sheeple!

Mr. Galvin, you're the science teacher.

You know how dangerous these snacks can be.

Tell them!

- I--I need more data...

- I think we've heard enough.

Remove the disbeliever!

[all boo] - [screams]

Twice in one day!

Why does this keep happening to me?

[grunts] [all cheer]

- All right, now, where were we?

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

[munching] Mmm, mmm.

- Well? Come on, Nate.

Tell us how it is.

- [munches] Oh, it is so good--mmm.

You know, it's...

[all gasp]

[weakly] What's happening?

- It's a classic allergic reaction,

no doubt, caused by

the new organic flavor blasting

on the Beardy Yum Yums.

Shame, we just got an Eew Corp snack machine

full of them at hospital.

They are truly delicious and healthy.

It says so right on the packaging.

- His face won't look like that permanently, will it?

'Cause it's kind of gross.

- [groans]

- No, no. Nate will be fine

in a few days, but

no more Organic Flavor Blasted Beardy Yum Yums,

all right, young man?

Who knows what kind of reaction

you could have next time.

- [groaning]

[striking dramatic tones]

[rooster crows]

[alarm clock rings]

[frog croaks] [glass shatters]

[dramatic music]

- [whimpers] [gasps]

[laughs]

Okay, so things didn't exactly go as planned,

but the school did get a new snack machine,

thanks to yours truly.

[chuckles] Yup, that's my legacy--

wouldn't be surprised if the school gives me

some kind of award, like a big fancy trophy that says--

[gasps]

[all munching] What?

[gasps]

[all munching]

[eerie music]

* *

Hey, guys. [all munching]

Huh?

- Oh, welcome back, stranger.

Mmm. - I see everyone's enjoying

the new snacks I got them--

everyone but me.

- Amazing. - Oh, yeah.

- The best thing I ever tasted. - Game changer.

- Francis, you too?

I thought you hated Beardy Yum Yums.

- I did, but not anymore!

These are amazing!

It must be because they're organic.

Oh, I love being healthy!

[all munching]

[school bell rings]

[all munching]

- E--e--excuse me, Mrs. Godfrey?

Isn't there a no-eating-only-learning policy

in your room? - Oh, yes.

There used to be, but a brain can't live on learning alone,

my good lad. [munches]

Sometimes, it needs to be fed nutritious goodness.

Your degenerate brain, of course, will go hungry

and lapse into a vegetative state,

proving a higher power does exist!

[munches]

- [growls]

* *

[all munching]

* *

- Uh, have you guys noticed

that the moment you finish the bag, you want more?

[chuckles] - Yeah, it's just like the love

I desperately crave from people of authority.

- [laughs] Oh, yeah, clearly,

we had no idea how much our bodies needed the recommended

daily allowance of vitamin-fortified

Beardy chunks! [munches]

Mmm. - Oh, ho-ho-ho,

have you guys tried pushing your tongues

into the back corners to get the compacted flavor dust?

So good! [all laugh and munch]

- Okay, enough!

You guys sound like my grandparents gumming caramels.

You do remember I'm allergic, right?

I mean, maybe it would be nice

if you could put the bags down

so we could talk about something--anything else.

[laughter]

- Hello, children!

Good news! Eew Corp has just refilled

our brand-new snack machine

with more healthful and wholesome snacks.

Go get 'em before they're gone.

[all scream]

- [growling]

- I just think maybe a little moderation couldn't hurt--

you know that old saying, "Too much of a good thing

is really annoying."

- Oh, Nate, my boy,

stop being so modest.

Your legacy is a hit!

Mmm, at this rate, I'll be able to stop selling

classroom window glass to pay the heating bill!

- And that's why cat owners are superior to dog owners.

[car honks] Car!

- Matter of fact, I have a surprise for you.

[striking dramatic tone]

[laughs] You'll never be forgotten now.

[all munching]

- Do you know how much damage your legacy is doing?

These snacks are affecting

my academic career! [eye shatters]

- Excellent, Kim. A+, Randy.

Gina--oh! Lysistrata's sheet cake,

what is that?

- It's what you asked us to paint.

- I don't think so.

F. - [gasps]

There's something very wrong

about these snacks, Nate!

Something not organic.

- Gina?

- People are changing, Nate.

Open your eyes

before it's too late.

[elevator dings]

- Why is Gina heading down to detention with Galvin?

- Beardy Yum Yums.

[all munching] - Gina's overreacting.

The snacks can't take down an entire school,

and I'm gonna prove it.

- Hey, guys, anyone up for some pork tetherball?

Okay, well, uh,

we could steal Godfrey's teeth.

- [gags] [screams]

- [whimpers]

Stuff Mr. Rosa's pants

with nuts and let the squirrels loose on him?

- [screaming]

- I--guys, I--

are you guys even listening to me?

- Sure, we are.

What'd you say? - Wait, is your skin oranger?

- [laughs] Good one.

[laughter]

[somber music]

* *

- * All I wanted was a snack *

* A Beardy Yum Yum to call my own *

* It didn't seem like too much to ask *

* But now I'm standing here all alone *

* I see them eating out there *

* Licking their fingers while I despair *

* So full of joy and full of life *

* Snacking all day without a care *

* But one bite, one lick *

* And I swell and grow boils *

* One bite, one lick *

* My face is scaring gargoyles *

* So here I am, watching all my friends *

* Without me *

* Bags wide open *

* Fists all full of beard *

* As they snack, snack, snack *

* And snack *

* And suckle on their tasty fingers *

* I try to say, "Maybe eat an apple *

* "A hunk of a kale *

* Or maybe broccoli" *

* But they chomp, chomp, chomp another bag *

* I hope their kidneys can take *

* All that sodium! *

* *

[laughter]

[loud crash] Huh?

[suspenseful music]

* *

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you guys,

what are you doing? It's empty!

[all growl] - [barks]

- Need more snack machine now!

I need it now! Need more snack machine!

- [grunts] - [grunts]

[all sniffing]

- Ooh, wa-ah-ah-ah!

all: Snack machine!

- Snack, snack, snack!

["Down With the Sickness" by Disturbed]

- What is happening?

- [sniffs]

Machine! [laughs]

Found new machine!

[helicopter whirs] [all screaming]

[sirens wailing]

- [cackling]

[helicopters whirring]

- * Deep in my sea of loathing *

- [cackles] [screaming]

- * I kneel *

- Whoa! [panting]

Gina? - [whispering] Quiet,

you pinhead!

They'll hear you. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you one of them?

- [screams] [loud explosion booms]

- Of course not.

I read the ingredients, moron.

Come on. There's something

you need to see.

- Ah! [panting]

[thunder booms]

- Ah! Look out!

[whimpers] Let me out!

[screams] - [gasps]

- [laughs] That kind of tickled.

- Mr. Galvin?

- Nate, the school--in fact, all of Rackleff--

is in grave danger.

- Show him.

- [distorted voice] Beardy Yum Yums.

[gargled screaming]

- [gasps] What have I done?

[thunder booms]

I don't understand.

How could Chad change like that so fast?

I just saw him a few hours ago.

- Chad's physiology is not like yours or mine.

Either through heredity

or his voracious consumption of cat meal,

Chad's body has an extreme reaction to stimuli.

Test session number 12.

[pie squelches] How does the strawberry pie

make you feel, Chad?

- Like I want it dipped in chocolate.

[laughs]

[air horn blares]

[eerie music]

- [grunts] Oh, no!

- [munches]

[farts] - Hey!

- [laughing]

- [whimpers] That was, like, the world's

most disturbing talent show.

- Nate, this is serious.

- Sorry! I just--I--I--

I still don't understand! How could a healthy,

organic snack cause all this?

- Because the Eew Corporation lied.

There is nothing healthy or "organic" in their snacks.

In fact, I've discovered that their flavor blasting

is actually a nefarious bioweapon.

It turns the consumer

into an uncontrollable snacking machine.

- [bumbling]

- Which means more profits for them.

- You were right.

I should've read the ingredients.

- [laughs] Please say that again.

- [gasps] - Directly into the microphone

so I can treasure it forever.

- No! Okay, okay,

so what you're telling me

is I need to hunt down all my friends

who've got Beardy Yum Yum Fever

and destroy them. Where can I get a flamethrower?

- There is a less-murdery way

to cure this Beardy mania!

- Pee pee.

- Agh, we have to pee on 'em?

Gross! I'd rather use a flamethrower.

- No, Nate, we need to get them to stop eating

and drink water so they will pee out the toxins.

- Well, that's just great. How do we get them

to stop eating if they won't stop eating?

- We start by getting rid

of the snack machine you got the school, dorkis!

- [sobs] My legacy?

- Beardy Yum Yum.

- [gasps] I was worried about this.

[all growling and munching]

They're de-evolving at an accelerated pace,

hoarding snack machines

like primitive beasts.

- [feral grumbling]

- Now what?

There's too many snack machines

to get rid of. - Oh,

"get rid of."

Come on. To the junkyard!

I think I know someone who can help.

- [grunts]

Hank, I know I hurt you.

I know you feel betrayed,

but our school--no, no, no. You know what?

Your school is in danger.

Don't let the Eew Corp wipe out your legacy.

Come back to PS 38. Help us.

- Nothing. Total waste of--

Ow!

- Huh? Old Hank?

You in there, buddy?

[machine roars]

I think he's trying to talk to us,

but I don't speak snack machine.

- Fortunately, I happen to be fluent.

My first girlfriend was a coffee dispenser

named Medium Grinder.

- Stay on topic, Mr. G.

- I believe Old Hank wants to help.

I also think he said a few words not appropriate

for children.

- Who cares? One washed-up old snack machine

can't save us!

We need an army!

[machine roars]

- Guys, I think we found our army.

[all grumbling and munching]

[cymbals crashing] - Hmm?

[all grumbling]

[Wild West music]

- Hmph.

- Why Nate here with that?

- His name is Old Hank, and he belongs here.

[laughter]

Oh, please, look at yourselves.

Snacks are supposed to be a treat, not a meal.

Gina was-- [sighs]

Oh, I hate myself for saying this.

She was--

right. - [chuckles]

[gasps] - Ingredients matter.

Eating healthy matters,

and that's not gonna happen with evil Eew Corp

snack machines.

So what do you say, gang?

Let's put Old Hank back where he belongs.

He may be a horribly unfriendly and abusive snack machine,

but he's our horribly unfriendly and abusive

snack machine! Who's with me?

[laughter]

- Nate Wright, g--go home.

- Yeah, and take Nate Wright lame machine with you.

[laughter]

- Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Hmph. [machine cries out]

all: Ah!

[rock music]

- I'd like you to meet some friends of Old Hank's--

Der Wonder Wienie,

Hot Wings of Desire,

Kernel McPoppin,

The Egg'o'Nator,

Gummo, Spew-Matic Beverage Oasis,

and Baron von Taffy Pull III.

Time to take back our school!

[screams]

Fire everything!

- * The danger zone *

[all scream]

["Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins]

* Never say hello *

[all barking]

- [howls]

- * Line overload *

- Gina! Mr. Galvin!

Chad! Now!

- * High as you can go *

- Ah! [gargles]

- Ooh, ah! [grunts]

* *

- * Ooh, yeah *

* *

both: Oh, yeah! [all cheer]

- [whimpers] I gotta go pee!

[Wild West music]

- Oh, yeah, tomato.

- Okay, okay. My legacy thing was a bust.

But I did help Old Hank secure his legacy.

You know, uh, it has its perks.

- [grunting]

Should've left you in that junkyard!

Oh! [growls]

[screams]

- [chuckles]

[all groan] You guys starting

to feel better? - If you call the worst TMJ

in the world "better," then sure.

- You know I like chewing as much as the next guy,

but the next time an evil corporation

takes over my mind,

I'm asking for a feeding tube.

- I was actually considering becoming a vegan

until I saw Chad. - Huh?

- What's wrong with Chad?

- Mmm, thanks for the hot bath, Zora.

FYI, these carrots are delicious.

[munches] - [evil laughter]

- * As they snack, snack, snack, and snack *

* And suckle on their tasty fingers *

* I try to say "Maybe eat an apple *

* "A hunk of a kale *

* Or maybe broccoli" *

* But they chomp, chomp, chomp another bag *

* I hope their kidneys can take *

* All that sodium! *

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