All language subtitles for About.My_.Father.2023.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5_.1.H.264-1

My name is Sebastian.
And, yeah, that's me.

When my mother used
to dress me for pre-school,

like I was going to Studio 54.

Like most American stories,
mine starts a long time ago

on another continent.

Specifically,
the magical island of Sicilia.

A lot of folks
like to call Sicily

the big ball in front
of the boot of Italy,

which makes sense

'cause the world's been
trying to kick our ass

since the dawn of time.

For generations,
my people have been

threatened by wars,

volcanoes,

and testicle-crushing Speedos.

But we survived it all

through one unstoppable force.

Family.

These are actual photos
of my Sicilian ancestors.

Note the signature
Maniscalco look.

With the curved spines
and the resting bitch face,

like a bunch
of pissed-off candy canes.

Over the past few centuries,

these proud hunchback men
have operated with one goal.

Do everything you can...

...to give your kids
a better life

than the one you had.

For my father,
this meant leaving

his beloved Sicily
for Chicago.

So he and my mother could
give me opportunities

they never got.

Like shoveling snow.

Growing a beautiful mullet.

And going to the prom

looking like a pit boss.

Growing up,
my father busted his hump

to instill in me certain rules

of how a man should operate.

Like, if you're awake,
you should be workin'.

Hey, how's
the pressure,
Mrs. Marinelli?

Harder.

You got to get in there, son.
I don't pay you by the hour,

I pay you
by the moan, capisce?

Guy
with the ponytail,

that's my dad.

Did I mention he owns a salon?

The man comes from a long line
of Sicilian hairstylists.

And don't you dare
call him a barber.

This man doesn't
just cut hair,

he creates styles.

Salvo,

it's beautiful.

See? I told you
you had cheekbones
under there.

You just needed
Michelangelo
to dig them out.

Child labor laws
were definitely broken.

But on the bright side,

I had the most realistic
Chewbacca costume

in the history of Halloween.

He taught me
to always save your money.

No apps, no dessert.

And if you don't
finish your main,

you're paying
for your own
birthday dinner.

And to be resourceful.

You wanted me
to buy you
a skateboard,

I built you
one instead.

Next year,
I'm gonna
build you

one of those
Nintendos.

But one exception, cologne.

Never cheap out
on your signature scent.

At bedtime, our house smelled
like an Uber in Las Vegas.

The only time I saw
my father smile is

when we did
the chicken dance

for my mother.

To me, this man was a God.

And it was all
working out great

until I grew up,

and fell for someone
who was my complete opposite.

Her name was Ellie.

I mean, look at this girl.

The style, the positivity,

personality.

Yeah, this was my dream woman.

Sebastian!

Ah! I'm so sorry
I'm late.

This guy's charging
$15 for valet.

So I parked it
nine blocks away.

Wait a minute,
if you parked
that far away,

how are you so dry?
You sweat just
getting the mail.

It's the Fendi, babe.

It's wicking away.

You want one?
Yeah.

You know,
everyone said
I should serve

fancy food
at my opening,
and I was like,

"Name one person
that doesn't like
a hot dog."

And get this, she's an artist.

I mean, growing up,
I wasn't even allowed

to do it as a hobby.

So how's
the show going?

Oh, my God!
Freaking amazing.

All my pieces sold out
in like 15 minutes.

Babe, that's incredible.
I know, right?

I mean, most of them went
to this big decorator,

but they have clients
all over the world,
so I'm not complaining.

Well, you shouldn't.

Especially because they look,
kind of like, you know...

Vaginas?

Well, you know,
if you just hang
them horizontally,

they kind of look
like sunsets.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Since the day I met her,

she's been opening my eyes

to all kinds
of new experiences.

Like naps.

Weird.

The sun's coming
through the drapes.

And beauty treatments.

Hey, hot stuff.
Looking good.

Wait, are you mad?

Yeah.

That it took 42 years
to discover avocado masks.

And last but not least,

smiling.

Okay. Um...

It's not natural.
That's...

That's not
particularly natural.
But you know what I think?

I think we just
have to build these
facial muscles,

so you just
got to practice.

Look at that.
Now try it.

I don't...
You
look great.

Yeah, life
with Ellie was pretty perfect.

I don't think
I could participate.

That's just
ridiculous.

- You promised.
- Oh, come on!

A public wedding
proposal? It's
embarrassing.

I think
it's sweet.

When I propose
to you,

it's going
to be intimate.

Hmm.
Just you and me,

the way
it should be.

Hmm.
No one else.

Used to be,
"If I propose."

You just said,
"When I propose."

Okay, babe,
it's just...
I'm aggravated.

Words are just
flying out
of my mouth.

Well, just
so you know,

the only way
I will say yes,

is if there is
some element

of public
humiliation involved.

Oh, well.
Get ready.

You might as well just end
the relationship right now,

because we ain't
doing that.
Oh, we're not?

I'm not
doing this.
But you're

such a good dancer.
Look at these people.

Uh, Ellie?
I kind of need
your help right now.

Right, dude,
we are in!

The truth was,
I had every intention

of asking Ellie to marry me.

I just needed
the right place and time.

I see you, guy.

I see you.

All right? Pick it up.

Thank you.
Take a walk.
Sebastian.

I'm on the phone
with my parents
and get this,

they're inviting us

out to the summer place

for the big
4th-of-July weekend.

Babe, did you
just say "us"?
Us.

I thought this trip
was for family only.

I know! I mean,
I'm so torn

between thinking
this is great news,

or that I might be
dragging you

into an Italian version
of Get Out.

I'm not sure. Oh, uh, uh...

Yes, yes, yes,
Mother, yes. I'm
asking him right now,

please hold.

What do you think?

Yeah.

He's man-crying.
That means it's a yes.

Yes!
I love you.

I'm gonna
get you tissues.

I love you.
I'm so excited.

So, yeah,
I'm a big crier.

I love to just marinate
in my own tears.

Mmm.

But this was a huge deal.

Ellie's summer place wasn't
just the perfect spot

to propose.

It also meant her family was
starting to accept me.

Which was amazing, because...

How do I put this eloquently?

These people got
class up the ass.

I mean, look at these people
with their perfect postures,

and their perfect teeth.

Even their dog went
to better schools

than I did.

I was intimidated,

which really didn't
make any sense

as their story was also
an immigrant story.

For some reason, theirs was
considered more respectable,

as it started 400 years ago.

Now, this is
an actual painting

of Ellie's
10th great grandfather,

William Love Collins,
taking his family to America,

on a little boat called
the Mayflower.

You got it. That one.

So while my father came
to chase the American dream,

the Collins were
the American dream,

all the way
up to Ellie's dad.

William Love Collins XII.

Only Italian guys I knew

with Roman numerals
after their names...

...are popes,

and Rocky Balboa.

Her dad is
the chairman and CEO

of the luxurious
Collins Hotel Group,

which was awkward,

as I happened to run
a cool new boutique hotel,

which was stealing
a lot of his Chicago business.

Bottom line?

His baby girl was
dating the enemy.

But Bill wasn't even
the scary parent.

That honor belonged
to Ellie's mother,

whose actual birth name
was Tigger MacArthur.

Anna, darling,
you don't know
anything about me.

And this kitty's got claws.

As an Ivy League
grad-turned-senator

for the state of Maryland,

it took her a long time

to wrap her mind around
her beloved daughter dating

some working-class
hotel manager.

How could I be
anti-immigrant

when my daughter is
dating the son of one?

But this invite meant

I was finally
breaking through.

A holiday weekend was
my chance to charm

the pleated pants
off these people.

And if all went well,

I could ask
for their daughter's
hand in marriage.

So, I had the girl
I wanted to marry,

the perfect spot
to propose to her,

and now,
I just needed the ring,

which should have
been easy to get.

Oh, come on. What do you mean

you're not gonna
give me the ring?

Grandma left it for me
to use when I'm ready
to get married.

Uh, your grandmother
left it with me

to make sure you just
don't give it away

to some puttana, that's what
your grandmother did.

Can you come out
of the garden so
we can talk about this?

They're back.
They're back there
messing with my gagootz.

Forget the gagootz.

Dad, the ring,
can I have it?
Look at that.

You know,
I don't know
about this girl,

I gotta tell ya.
I'm not sure
about her.

She put her feet up
on my coffee table,

I don't know...
You put
your feet up

on your
coffee table.
Yeah, my coffee table,

my feet.

What do you
think is this?

What bites? A raccoon?
Ants? Is it an ant?

An ant. You got
to to be kidding me.

Let's see.
Okay, here we are.

Look at them.
That's a possum.

Possum. They're dead.

Dead, gone.
Oh, no. Come on,

with the thing again...
Gone from this earth.

Instant death.
Just set a trap.

Yeah, I'm gonna
set a trap.

I'm gonna get
my antifreeze,
my little...

When I was a kid,

I thought everything
my dad did was normal.

If some string beans
went missing,

I'd wake up to a yard
full of poisoned squirrels,

birds, chipmunks,

basically anything

that ever helped
Cinderella get dressed,

murdered in our backyard.

Come on, Dad.
Could you just admit

that Ellie's not
some puttana?

I love her, you love her.

Just give me the ring
so I can propose.

You really serious
about this?

Yeah, Dad,
she's the one.

She's the one?
Yeah.

Okay, son, you know
what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give
you the ring.
Thank you.

But first I gotta
meet her family.

What? Why?
Why?

That's why.
What the hell does that mean?

You got
no respect
for your roots.

I mean, what are
you talking about?

You don't eat
the fruit till
you make sure

the tree ain't sick.

And per tradition,
I need to look

at the mother
and the father's eyes.

I need to look them
in the eyes

to make sure there's no rot.

Because there could be rot.
Not that there is.
What?

But there could be.
There's no rot
in this family, Dad.

You never know.
They're classy.

You never know.
Come on, they're
classy people.

Oh, yeah.

The fancier,
the dirtier.

You never know
what's going on.

Plus, they don't live
anywhere near here.

So let me just put you
on a FaceTime,

so you could
taste test them
over the phone.

Hey, I'm not doing FaceTime.
This is an important moment.

FaceTime, Zoom?
What are you, crazy?

You don't gotta
get all upset.
No, gotta be faccia con faccia.

Dad, I want
to do this
next weekend

at their family's house
in the country.

Wait... wait.
Hold on, hold on.

This is the first summer

since we had to say goodbye
to your poor dear mother,

and you're going
to leave me alone

for the goddamn 4th of July?

Well, it's just that,
you know,

her family invited me
to their summer house.

Oh, their summer home?

Oh, most people got one home,
but they got 'em

for different seasons.
Oh, that's nice.

Come on, Dad. So they got
more money than us,

who doesn't? Plus,
it's just for one weekend.

Oh, one weekend, he says.
One weekend.

Fifty years ago,
I come to this country

to give you a better life.

Fifty years ago,

I skipped every weekend
in Sicily for you.

I joined the US Army

to protect your freedoms.
And what thanks do I get?

You go celebrate
the 4th of July

with some other family,

leaving me
to burn the sparklers

and eat the hot dogs alone!

Alone! Thank you.

This is incredible.

Wait, what do you mean
you're not coming?

I can't leave my father.

The 4th of July was
their favorite holiday.

Because of his
military background?

No, it's the only holiday
you don't have to buy a gift.

I'm sorry, Ellie.

We'll just do it
some other time.

Why don't
we just bring him?

What happened?

I mean, if he...
loves the 4th,

he's gonna flip out
at our place.

There's all
kinds of fun
family activities.

There's fireworks.
There's even a huge clambake

with tons of fresh fish.

He loves to de-bone fish.

Kind of perfect.

My father
getting a close-up look

at my new life,

while I was trying
to seal the deal

with Ellie's parents?

What an incredible idea!

Nah, I don't think so.

I should probably
just stay here with him.

Boo!

Come on.

Don't you want
our families
to finally meet?

Yeah, of course I do.

Why is your voice
going up like that?

What's going on?

Are you...

Are you nervous
to bring him?

Ner... No.

No. What? No, no.

All right, fine.

Don't bring him.

Don't come.

Don't have fun.
It's fine.

All right,
maybe I was a little scared

to bring my father
into a country club
environment,

where he'd see me playing
racquet sports,

riding around in golf carts,
and taking naps.

But I also knew
that stubborn bastard wouldn't

give me the ring without
a face-to-face meeting.

Fine. You win.
I'll ask him.

Hey, don't get
all excited, all right?

This guy's big on tradition.
I doubt he'll even say yes.

Shit, yeah. I'm coming.

No, wait, wait,
wait. Seriously?

Of course, I'm coming.
What are we gonna
do instead?

Spend the whole
weekend alone,

just the two of us
in the house,

burning the sparklers

and eating the hotdogs?
Yeah, I'm coming.

That's the same
example you used

to guilt trip me
into not going.

Well, what can I say.
I got a way with words.

You know me.

All right, listen.
If we're gonna do this, Dad,

you gotta be
on your best behavior.

Wha... What do you mean,
my best behavior?

The family is uptight,

they're conservative,
they're not used to...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

So, you, the son, are
telling me, the father,

how to behave?

You hear this?

Just remember the main goal
is for you to meet the family,

so I can get the ring
and propose to Ellie.

It's not for you
to price check

their antique coffee tables.

Come on, already!
I mean, how fancy

could a stupid
coffee table be?

I mean, seriously,
how much we talking?

I don't know, Dad.

I'm kidding you. Mannaggia.
Where's
your sense of humor?

Jeez. Come on.
All I'm asking is

dial it down with the...

What, all the...

This is...
What is this?

Look at him.
Look at him.

Dial it down
with all this
and that.

You know what
he's worried about?

He's worried

his immigrant father's
gonna make him look

like some kind
of goombah.

Let me tell you something.

You don't remember
this because I'm your dad

but a lot of people
find me charming,

pretty charming,
that's right. Right.

- Right, ladies?
- Yeah.

And these
stuck-up rich people?

They got a word for me...

I remember, it's loud,
it's obnoxious,

it's over-cologned.

No, no. "Refreshing."

"He's refreshing."
"He's so original."

I've heard that all...
All the time I hear that.

And I promise you
Ellie's parents
are gonna love me.

I don't know about
you, but they're going
to love me.

Mm-hmm.
Ladies,
you better get

your 'dos done
by Thursday

'cause the Maniscalco men,
they're going on vacation.

He's worried.

This kid is
worried. I'm not.

What the hell
are you doing?

You can't smoke here.
What? I'm outside.

Next to an airplane!

- Oh, sorry!
- That's okay.

Mannaggia.
Can't even
smoke a cigar.

I got some
good news.

I got us
a luxury sedan

for the price
of a compact.

That's nice,
but makes
me wonder

how much the compact
you could've got for.

Then I took
the compact price

and got it
on the house!

Hey!
Hey! Nice!

Baby, the bags.
Yeah. How long does
it take to get there?

Um, like, three hours.

Hey, you guys
looking for a ride?

Oh, my God.

Lucky!

Oh, no.

Who's that,
an ex-boyfriend?

Worse. Brother.

Hey!

While I'd made
progress with Ellie's parents,

I'd yet to make any
with the older brother.

His name was
William Love Collins XIII.

So, everybody called
this guy "Lucky."

And that's exactly

- what he was.
- Chug, chug, chug,

Whoo!

Oh, my God!

After graduating
from Princeton,

back when you could
bribe your kid into college,

Lucky was on deck
to take over the Hotel Group

while working
as a "Client Liaison."

Gentlemen! Who's ready to go
hunt some endangered species?

I'm just kidding.
Unless you guys
are down,

I can figure
something out.

This meant
traveling around the world,

entertaining wealthy clients

with all the rich kid hobbies

he had time to master.
Whoo!

We're talking skiing...

Whoo! Snowboarding sucks!

...y achting.

...all the country club sports.

Whoo! Looks like
I gotta change
my shoes,

'cause I'm on
the dance floor. What!

But I'd say
his overall best skill

was being a prick.

There he is.

I see you're still
banging the bellboy.

- Luck! No!
- Hey!

I'm only joking,
Sea Bass.

- Hey, what's up, Luck?
- Not much.

You must be
Sebastian's brother.

Hey. No, I'm
his father. Salvo.
How are you?

No way! Seriously?

That's crazy.
I can't tell the age

of anybody over 40.

Anyway. Oh, let me

goose you guys
some free samps.

I'm an angel investor

in this new anti-aging
skin cream for men

and I'm obvi a client.

This guy.

You boys ready to saddle up?

Let's go!

Oh, chopper time!

El... El, I don't
think this is such
a good idea.

Yeah, we got
a free car,
you know.

Guys, come on!

Trust me, the helicopter
takes 20 minutes,

and the views
are magical.

Are you with me?

Come on! Let's
have some fun!

Lucky,
you are cleared for takeoff.

Roger that, Roger.

Dude's name is Roger. We hang.

Got a super-hot wife.

Hey, if you guys
look out to your left,

you'll see the beautiful
Roanoke River.

Baby, look.

Salvo, it's nice, right?

Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, it's nice.

Reminds me of 'Nam.

Huh?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's good.

Okay. Okay.
I'm fine.

Oh, yeah.
Sorry. Sorry.

I got it. I got it.

Had a couple
too many G and Ts.

- He's kidding. He's kidding.
- Yeah, yeah.

- The air don't work.
- No, it does.

It works, it works.

It's okay.
Only a couple of minutes.

It's just
a little warm, Dad.
Son, it's...

I think we got a problem here.

What?
We got
a problem here.

Oh, my God! Baby!

Yeah, I can't breathe.
Wait, wait, wait.

Take a bite out of the lemon.

It'll help with
the nausea.
I'm not doing a whole lemon.

I'll cut it.
I'll cut it.
Don't worry.

Hey.

I'll cut it
into pieces.
Hold on.

I got a knife.

He's got a knife.
Oh, my God.

He's got a knife.
I'm cutting the lemon.

Okay, here.
Take it. Take it.
Baby, suck it.

Suck on that.
Suck on
that lemon. Suck.

Just suck!
Suck, suck, suck!

Sounds like
my Saturday night.
Suck!

Dude.
Do not vom in my bird.

He's not gonna vom
in your bird.

Just breathe
in through the nose,

- out through the mouth.
- Suck on that.

It's making it worse.
Suck it!

- Cradle the balls.
- Suck on that!

You just suck!
Just suck it.

- Suck the lemon!
- Take it easy, kid.

I think we should
turn around.
He's freaking out.

It's like 19 more minutes.

You can't tough
it out for 19...
It stinks!

Let's bring it down.
Let's bring it...
Open up the windows!

I'm gonna die!

Put the air conditioning
down there.
Bring it down.

- How are you so calm?
- Roger,

we're coming back.
I'm dying!
Put it down!

Put it down! Ah!

I knew I should've
forced him
to join the army.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Laugh it up.

Laugh it up, guys.

I'm just happy
I'm on the ground.

Okay, gentlemen.
Welcome to White Oak.

Wow!
Right?

Ah, boy.

Um, okay, so, that's
the golf course,

and then
the tennis courts are
back down there.

Oh, baby, look. Right there?
That's my childhood fort.

- Oh.
- We'd go there.

whenever I needed
to get away from my family.

So, basically, all the time.

Yeah, I wish
I had one.

Oh, look!

Oh, my God! It's
Sergeant Feathers
and his family!

What is this?
Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

What up, dudes?
What are you...
Is this safe?

Yeah, no, she's crazy.

What's that? What are
you doing? Be careful.

Get back in the car!

They're gonna eat you alive!

Oh, my God!
Aren't they
the best?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're
so beautiful!

So how much
a peacock cost anyway?

Don't answer that, El.

I didn't know they had
peacocks in Virginia.

Oh, well,
my grandfather brought
two here decades ago,

but they didn't
like their cages,

so he decided
to let them roam free.

And now, they've
pretty much just become

the official mascots
of our club.

Well, they're bad luck
where I come from.

They're just a bunch
of goddamn showoffs,

if you ask me.
I don't like them.

They're lucky
to be born that way.

They could've been
born like a chicken,

or a pigeon.

I mean, it just has
fancy feathers,

so all of a sudden,
it gets more respect.

Okay, guys.

We're here.
Welcome to our house.

Look at this!
Are you kidding me?

How much
a house like this cost?

Enough
with the Price is Right!

He's the Bob Barker
of the backseat.

Oh, my little
cuddle monkey!
Hey! Hi!

Hi.

- Oh, my girl.
- Oh!

Oh, what a beauty!
Ellie-Bellie!

You know,
looking back at this,

my dad had to be overwhelmed.

Family's a little
handsy, huh?

It's called
love and
affection, Dad.

Unlike you,
when you met me
in the delivery room

and chose
to shake
my hand.

What else was I
supposed to do?
We just met.

Huh?

Guys,
come on. I want
you to meet

Sebastian's father.

Hey, Sebastian.
Hi.

Nice to see you.

Pleasure. Welcome.
Nice
to meet you.

Sebastian,
so good
to see you.

And you must be
the charming Salvo.

So nice to
finally meet you
in person, Tigger.

It's just last week
I was checking out

your highlights
on TV.

Oh, the CNN
or the Fox ones?

No, no,
the blonde ones.

You hair,
if I can say, is

just like
a block
of marble.

I wanna sink
my tools into it.

Dad, Dad,
Dad, what are
you doing?

Sorry, I mean, it's...
You're gonna hit her.

Well, Salvo, we've
heard you're quite
the stylist.

Now, tell me this,

do you think
I'm too old
to pull off

a set of
frosted tips?

"Frosted tips?"

Good one, sir! Solid gold!

All right,
I'm gonna
hit the links.

- Have fun!
- Hasta luego!

So, uh, why
don't you
come inside,

and we'll
give you
the grand tour.

Don't worry
about the bags.

Wendell will
take care
of them.

Mommy...

That's
a pretty big dog
you got there.

Oh, that's Duke.

We don't get too rough
with him, 'cause we're
afraid he'll kill us.

He's so big!

- Dad!
- This is our house.

- Wow!
- Yes.

- It's unbelievable.
- It's so big.

Oh, this is

our youngest son, Doug.

- He's practicing...
- Hi!

...his sound bowls.

Oh, yeah... Sound bowls?
What is that?

Oh, well, now,
a sound bowl is...

It's, actually,
it's an instrument.

It puts out
this vibration

that relieves stress
and promotes relaxation.

He's...
he's learning
to be a healer.

Uh, but we're
just so proud
of him.

You're so loud, Dad.

Oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry,
sorry.

Let me just...
Sorry. No, I'm
gonna close the...

Play, boy, play.

Play to soothe
the savage beast.

Well, you don't have
to shut 'em.

Wow! This house
is amazing!

- Look at this!
- This is nothing.

You should see
the place in Aspen.

Well, it's just,
you know...

Yeah.
I love this
cocktail table.

Oh, Sebastian!

Good eye!

The first
commercial coal mine
in the country was

right down
the road
from here,

and this piece is
made out
of the wood

from one
of the original
mine cars.

Drenched
in history.
Drenched.

Good for you,
re-using old wood
like that.

Yes.
This guy always
gets on me

about picking up
trash and putting
it in the house.

Trash?

It's crazy, the stuff
that people throw
away these days.

It sure beats
paying for it,
I mean, right?

So, I... I take it.
Right.

Yes. Yes.
That is

so true.
Yeah.

Um, actually,
though, we did
pay for this one.

A king's ransom,

if I must say,
but at least
it's too rickety

to put drinks on.

Dad, that's
the worst.

No, no, we just,
we wanted
something

that matched
the art
in the room.

Oh, good for you,

hanging up
your kids'
art work like that.

No, these are
original Grandma Moseses.

Can you
believe it?
I'm... I'm sorry.

We
found them...
I'm sorry.

What?
I'm sorry.
I mean, I...

I didn't mean
to insult your
grandmother.

I meant
no disrespect.
I had no idea.

I mean, what was
the matter with her?

Was she a little...

Oh, my God.

Hey, who's hungry
for lunch?

- I am.
- Me, me, me!

We could all go
down to The Shack.

Oh, Salvo,
you're gonna love The Shack!
What a great idea!

It's me.

Wow, this club
is huge, Bill.

The way
you were
describing it,

I expected
a place where
they're serving

grilled cheese
out of a little
window, you know.

Yes, I suppose
they've fixed it up
over the years.

But to us
it will
always be...

The Shack.

This place was
built by slaves.

Douglass.

What, I'm not allowed
to tell the truth now?

How are we supposed
to confront our problems

if we don't
talk about it, Dad?

No, it's true.
It's true.

The... Some
of the history
down here is

just...
it's brutal.

Mmm.
It's just
unthinkable.

It's not on the menu,
but you can order

the club sandwich
with lobster.

You know, I can't
even bring
my girlfriend here

because
I'm ashamed.

She's
an African person.

She is a person
emailing you from Africa,

and to whom
you are sending
back money.

We have
yet to confirm

whether she's
a girl or a friend.

Keep me safe
from negative energy.

Hi, everyone.
Welcome
to White Oak.

What can
I get you guys?
Oh, no bread, please.

Um, do you have
those crackers?
The seedy ones?

Of course.
Gloria, do you
have kombucha?

I can check.
Does anyone
want in on this?

Ever since I've
had kombucha,

my BMs have been
...completely regular.
Oh. All right.

I've had no problems.
All right.
Remember, Douglass,

we don't talk about
our BMs at the table.
No.

Before I was
drinking kombucha,

my feces looked like

ripped,
little pieces
of paper

and then after
I started drinking,

they're long,
soft logs.

Well, all right.
Thank you for that.

Um, do you know
what you want,
Sebastian?

Just a...

- the Cobb salad.
- Good choice.

What are you, one
of my sorority sisters?

Is that all
you're gonna get?

You're not
gonna get
a starter?

Yeah, uh,
I'm just gonna

stick with the middle
of the menu.

All right,
suit yourself.

Salvo, what are
you gonna get?

Gloria, I think
I'm gonna have the...

the BLT with
the onion rings.

But what's
the price
on that dish?

Oh, no, we don't...

Salvo, this may
sound very silly

but we don't
like to put
prices on things,

because it's just
an annoying reminder
of money. Right?

Oh!

So, everything's
for free, you mean?

No. No, it is
not free.

I wish it were.

Nothing is free.

So, what do they do?
I mean, they make up
a price, or...

Oh, Dad, it's...
you know...

Son, I'm talking
to Bill, here.

Are you Bill?
Hello, Bill.

It's fine.

Everything has
a set price.
Mmm.

And then they just
tally it up at the
end of the week,

put it on my bill,
and it's
taken care of.

Got it.
Okay, got it.

Well, Gloria,
I would just
love to chat

with somebody
who knows
the prices.

Salvo, please.

Please. It would
be our pleasure
to treat you.

I would love that
and thank you, Tigger.

But I think you do
way, way, way
too much, already.

You're putting us
up in your home,

that's enough already.
We want to at least,
you know, pay for the meal.

It's not a big deal.
I know it's not
a big deal.

Don't make
a big deal out
of it. It's all right.

Don't worry
about it.
It's okay.

So, Gloria,
just do me
a favor,

find out how much
it is for the BLT.

What did
you get again?
Just the Cobb salad.

- Cobb salad.
- Please. Please,

No, we'll take
care of it.
Just let us pay.

It will be
so much easier...
Just let them pay.

...if you just
let them pay.
I can't let you.

...taken care of it.
Dad, let them pay.

Please let them pay.
Just let us pay.

- I can't let you pay.
- It's so easy.

I don't know
what you're
so upset about.

I mean, I'm
a working guy.

I like to pay
my own way.

I don't want
to owe anybody
anything.

I'm upset because
you're supposed

to be getting
to know Ellie's family.

And instead,
you made a big scene.

So what? Who cares?
These people are strange.

Yeah, you think
they are.

They are strange.
Are you kidding me?

They wanna take
a break from thinking
about money.

Where I come from,
that's called dying.

All right, that's...

It's a different life.

But you still
gotta try.

Try...

I just don't
know, Sebastian,
I got to tell you.

I don't know
how you're
gonna fit in.

It ain't normal. I mean,
your mother and me,

we didn't
raise you
this way, so...

Yeah, you raised me
to marry an Italian

who shouts
when she's happy,

and grows hair
in places I didn't
even know could grow.

So what? That's
a real woman.

Your mother was a real woman,

who put real food
on the table,

not somebody
who refuses
a bread basket.

All right, Dad,
even I have to admit

the crackers were awful.
It's like
eating birdseed.

Yeah. I didn't know
whether to eat 'em
with my hands

or just walk
around and...

Exactly, and you notice
how they try to downplay

how fancy it is?

Oh, yeah.
"Excuse me?

"I'm looking at this.

"Excuse me.
I got eyes.
I can see. Hello."

They walk around,
saying, "Oh, yes.

"The house is
60,000 square feet,

"with 13 bedrooms,

"but we like it
because it's cozy."

And then they do
the opposite
with the furniture.

They make it sound
more important

than it really is.

It can't just be
like a regular chair.

It's got to have like
a whole back story.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, what...

"This is the chair
Thomas Jefferson sat in

"when he signed
the treaty of
Who-the-Hell-Cares?"

"Well, the toilet is where
Abe Lincoln took a dump.

"There's a plaque
right there."

"Oh, do they got a place
for his hat in there, too?"

I mean, I don't know
if I'm in a house

or I'm in a museum.

So, tell us,
what's new
in Chicago?

How's the art?

Well, it's, um...
Yes?

It's great.
Yes.

All my pieces
from my last show

sold out at the opening.
I mean...

Well, that's
something...
That's amazing!

...to crow about.
Yeah, right?

So, now that
you're getting
all these contacts,

you could probably
work from anywhere.

Mom, stop, no.
Right, sweetie?
Right?

Sebastian and I
love living
in Chicago.

Oh.

But we miss
having you
there in D.C.

We really do.
We really do.
We do.

These cheeks
aren't as fun

to kiss
on FaceTime.

Oh, my God.
I want a cheek, too.

Where's my cheek?
Where's my cheek?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You guys aren't supposed
to be talking

during a sound bath.
Oh, God.

Oh, of course.
Sorry. Sorry,
Dougie.

No. No, this is...
Sorry, sorry,
sorry.

This is
wonderful.

Please keep
bathing us
in sound.

Yes.
Go, with
your... Yeah.

Dad, listen. We're here
because I wanna marry Ellie.

So, it don't matter
how it works
with these people.

It works with her.

So, come on.
Tomorrow, please,

can you give
these people
a chance?

Got it. Got it.
No problem, no problem.

Because at the end
of the day, son,
it's your life.

Night cologne?
Yep.

Look at this.
Pink sheets?

What?

Well, we're
in a dollhouse.

Mom, Dad,
I would love

to live closer,
you know that.

And?
But...

Sebastian has
his dad,

and a great job.
Yeah, working

for the damn Hiltons.

The Hiltons.
Such a good gig.

Do you still have
to have herpes to work there?

The point is...
Thank you
for that.

...that he loves it,

and I couldn't
just ask him
to leave.

Sure, but that house
that you guys live in,

it's so cramped.
We prefer "modest."

You don't go
on vacations.
Because we're working.

And
all that cologne?

They made my chopper smell
like a Nordstrom's.

God! I hate it

when you guys
gang up on me
like this.

It's not fair!
And like it or not,

Mom, Dad,

and Lucky...
Ow!

Sebastian and I are
very happy together,

and we're staying
in Chicago.

I'm sorry, Dougie.

Okay. I can't open
chakras like this.

I'm gonna go
call my girlfriend.

Oh, no!
It's fine.
It's fine.

Oh, shit!

Bitcoin's down.

Will you look at us?
Walking through

a gated community
as guests.

Not groundskeepers.

Yeah. Well,
I just hope

nothing gets stolen
this weekend,

'cause these people
love to blame
the immigrants.

Look at this one.
Look at this one.

What'd she do?
Take the gym
equipment home?

Morning!
Hello.

Beautiful day,
isn't it?
Yeah.

Beautiful.
Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta be kidding me.
What the hell's her problem?

"Beautiful day."
Give me a break.

She's happy, Dad.

She probably had
a father that let her
sleep in past 5:45.

I mean, I can't
stop thinking

about how much work
I'm missing.

I could've done
four dyes
and a perm by now.

Two electric bills
I could've paid. Two.

Good morning.
Hello.

"Good morning."
Come on.

What you talking about?
She's in a bathrobe.
I can't believe this.

I mean, don't
these people
have jobs?

It's a holiday weekend.

Plus, they got
their money in
the stock market.

Not mayonnaise jars
buried in their backyard.

Just relax.
Come on, Dad.

It's a beautiful day!

Back and forth,
back and forth.

You play this game?
Come on.

The outfits?

The wives
with their culos
hanging out

for everybody
to see?

And when
they hit a ball,
it sounds like

they're having
an orgasm. They're
hitting a ball.

Come on. The only reason
I agreed to play is

so you could spend
some time with Bill.

So just relax
and do what
we came to do.

Yeah, I am
relaxed.

Look, I got
sandals on.

I'm relaxed.

You look like
the guy who killed
John Wick's dog.

Who's that?
I don't even
know who that is.

So Ellie tells me
you're quite the player.

Yeah, I've taken
a couple lessons.

Well, get ready
to bring it.

I love my family
everywhere,

except on
the tennis court.

Chest-bump!
Oh, wow!

Oh, jeez, that's
uncomfortable.

Let's do this.
Mom, you ready?

It's time
for tennis, baby!

So, hey,
Bill...
Yeah?

So how long
you been in the
hotel business?

Oh, yes, well,
50 years.

A long time.
My whole life.
Yeah.

But then it's...

I guess it's
a pretty exciting
thing to do.

I love it. I love it.
I got... I got hotel...

I got... I got
hotels in
my blood.

Just like
you have hair
in your blood.

Right? I mean...

Yo, Sea Bass.
Hope you got on
your oven mitts.

'Cause here comes the heat.

Oh.

- Oh, my God!
- Sorry.

What the hell was
that, Sebastian?

Ellie told me you had game.

Sorry.
Didn't
come easy.

I got, uh,
kicked out
of Harvard

for playing
the sax. I know,
it's a long story.

But my dad,
he got mad.
He said,

"That's it.
You make it
on your own."

He gave me
one hotel. One.

Wow.
Yeah.

That's
impressive.
Well...

My father
gave me
a mule.

Next day
it died.

Gah!

♪ Put the macaroni
in the pot and cook it♪

What's
that, Doug?

It's an adult
coloring book.

Hey,
man, you wanna
take a break

for some more water
or some more
tennis lessons?

What is going on?

What?
You love tennis,

and it's like
you're not even
trying out here.

Come on, it's
just a game.

Well...

All right.
At least
take off

this stupid
tracksuit.
No, it's cold.

Leave it on.
Leave it on.
You must be sweating...

No, I'm cold.
I'm cold.
...your tits off!

You're not cold.

Wait a sec. Are you
embarrassed to play

because your dad
is watching?

Listen, he's not
the biggest fan

of sports like this.

And I don't
really feel like
going over there

and explaining to him

that I'm paying a guy
to teach me how to play.

Well, you should know
that my mother is not

a "big fan"
of losing either.

Yeah.

Listen, at least
she stopped
chest-bumping me.

The only breasts
I wanna feel in
this family are yours.

Not if you lose.

Sebastian,
did Ellie
ever tell you

about the guy
she dated,

during her semester
abroad in Scotland?

Is that
Andy-frickin'-Murray?

Never lost
a match with him
on my team.

I wonder what
he's up to.

Hey, you know what?
I'll play with my weak hand.

That way
you guys have,
like, a shot.

Is that cool, Mom?

Until then,
my nightmare had been

letting my father
see me enjoy this life.

So, much like the kick serve

I learned from a Swedish pro
named Johannes,

this would be the point

of no return.

Ooh!

Oh, no.

You see this?

- Crud!
- I am calm!

Serve!

This a game
you can
pick up fast?

Not at this level.

My, my.

Sebastian,
he's got game.

You must be
very proud.

Lucky! Are
you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

So sorry, Luck.

Oh, that's okay,
Sebastian.

I'm sure it was
an accident.

Oh, my God.

Quick! Bill!

Get a small cup
of ice water
for his testes.

- Here.
- What?

I'm way
ahead of you,
sweetheart.

No, no, no. no.
Here, this
is ice tea.

It's not gonna hurt.
Easy, son.
Rest easy.

Nice and cool.
We're gonna cool

my future
grandbabies.
Stop what you're doing!

No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Do you want me

to squeeze one,
sweetie...
Take these. Hold these.

...just to feel
how it is?
Trust me.

- Don't touch.
- Oh, okay.

When did
you learn to play tennis
like that, anyway?

I took a few lessons
for Ellie, all right?

It's not that big
of a deal.

So how much
this cost you?

To all
the immigrant kids watching,

you know when
you get that question,

you always give them
the parent price.

Uh, $40.

Forty? You're
telling me

you paid the price

of a long hair blowout

for somebody
to teach you
a game?

I mean,
what am
I gonna say?

Now, just imagine
how he'd react if I told him

the actual price was 80.

Next thing I know,
you'll be serving me
the bird crackers.

Son, serve me
the bird crackers.
Come on.

It's a hobby, Dad.

A lot of people have
them, all right?

Stop acting
like I'm
joining a cult.

Well, it is a cult.

Only instead
of Kool-Aid,

they're serving
champagne.

Mmm.

Welcome,
everyone,

to the
S.S. Collins.

Uh, fun fact.
I won this boat,

playing
backgammon

with Sir Richard Branson.

So for us,
every voyage is
a Virgin one.

Good one, sir.
Thanks.

Now, Bill and I
have been talking,

and we were
going to wait

until the weekend
to do this,

but, um,
now we're just
too excited.

All right.
Uh, Sebastian,

as a lifelong
hotelier,

and the father
of the most
wonderful girl

in the world...
I love you.

...I have to say,
it just killed me...

killed...
Kills us.
Kills us. Yes.

We are dead,

thinking that
you are working

for our
biggest
competitor.

So...
Go on.

Shall I?
Yes.

Right now?
Please do.

Okay.
Daddy,
what is it?

On behalf
of the Collins
Hotel group,

I would love you
to join our side

and become
the new face

of the luxurious
five-star experience,

that is...
drum roll,

The Barrymore Hotel.

Go on. Yeah.

Not kidding.

What?
Are you serious?

Not kidding.
Very serious.

This is
your signature property.

The most
prestigious hotel
in D.C.

Yeah,
it better be.
We just spent

$240 million
restoring it.

Uh, Dad, I thought
you were saving
that job for me.

We regularly drug test.

Oh. Okay then.

Mom, Dad,
this is
so generous.

We
wouldn't do this

if we didn't think
he was perfect
for the job.

Come on, let's
go get some
more champagne.

Let's take a look.
I mean...

Let's take
a look at...
What?

...what you're...
I can't
believe this.

...going to be
the new manager of.

Now this was
built in 1896.

It's been
completely
restored,

down to the dings
and the doorknobs.

Take a look.
No, they're all...
Everything.

Hey, uh, Doug,
what are you doing?

Just getting
the blood flowing.

Your face is
getting a little red.

Yeah, I... I feel dizzy.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, that's the
Jackie Onassis
boardroom.

She was never there,
but we wish she would
have been.

This painting
in the lobby
here looks...

Yes, we... There's art.
Oh, we have... Yes.

This painting
in the board room.

Yeah, there's
a painting.
I recognize that sunset.

Wait a minute.
Did you buy
Ellie's paintings?

Does she know?
We bought a few

through this designer
that we know,

it's no big deal.

We're supporting
our baby's dream.

Let's close this.

A little champagne.

Oh, good.
I'll have some.
I'll have some.

Excuse me, Daddy.

So, what are
you thinking?

Yeah, well, Bill,
that's a very
generous offer,

but Sebastian
obviously has to
think about that.

Right?

Yeah.
Absolutely, Dad.
Yeah.

Of course.
This would be

a big move
for everyone,

so please,
take your time.

Talk it over.
Right.

And then tell us
what day to send
the moving trucks.

Dad.

Oh, this is
so cool!
So cool!

Hey, as
a possible member

of our, um,
family company,

how about we celebrate with
a little jet-booting, huh?

Oh, that sounds
great, man.
Count me in.

What's jet-booting?

Whoo! Whoa!

This is amazing, Lucky!

All right! Look at you.

Baby, you're doing so good!

I feel like I'm flying! Whoa!

Use your core!
I'm actually smiling.

This smile is real.

Salvo, would
you like

to borrow some
swim trunks?

We have
a hot tub
upstairs.

I'm fine.
I'm trying
to watch him.

Oh.
Make sure
he's okay.

Hey...

I just wanted
to thank you

for looking
after Ellie
in Chicago.

We feel so lucky
she's met your son.

Well, he's a good kid. Thanks.

I'm king
of the world!

Always out making
an ass of himself.

I know
you guys are close,

so if they do
end up in D.C.,

I promise we will
take good care of him.

Honestly, I wouldn't
get your hopes up.

I can't imagine Sebastian
ever leaving Chicago or me.

'Cause I'm
the only family
he's got.

I used to say
the same thing
about Ellie.

Hey, Dad!
Check it out!
I can dive!

Look at that.
He's very athletic.
He's quite good.

Dad!

Yeah, he gets it
from my side.

Whoa!

Whoo-hoo!

Look at this!

Oh, my gosh!
Oh, shit!

Sebastian,
your suit!
It's Versace.

Do you like it?

No, you moron!
It's not up!

- Look down!
- Oh, God!

Hey, Bubba Gump! Nice shrimp!

I can't get it. Whoa!

Oh!

Whoa! You good, man?

What's the matter
with you?

Pull up your pants!

I can't reach it.

Hey, what the hell
do I do?

Son, your sail
is at half-mast.

Oh, no, no, uh,
it looks like
it's full mast.

Oh, no!

Sebastian!

No, no.
Okay, don't...
No!

Stay down!
No, no. No.

Stay down.
Stay down.
No!

Okay. Okay.
God!

All right,
that is not
appropriate.

- I'm going to be sick.
- No, it's...

Honey, my mom
can't unsee that.

Hey, Sea Bass!
Say hi to TikTok.

Dad, what
the hell you doing?

Packing.

I'm going back
to Chicago
tomorrow morning.

What, are you crazy?
We're not leaving.

You didn't even
give me the ring yet.

Trust me.
What I saw today,

you don't come back from.

Oh, stop being
so dramatic.

It was from far away.

Nobody saw much.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Look, I know
I haven't seen
you naked

since the delivery room,
but is it possible

your pisellino hasn't
even grown since then?

Would you put
the suitcase away?

No, I'm gonna
bring you home,

set you up
with some
Italian girls,

help you
start over fresh.

And I even got
a nice new
hairstyle for you.

Dad, I'm in love with Ellie.
That wouldn't change

if I accidentally showed
my balls to the entire world.

Oh, is that what
you got planned
for tomorrow?

Son, you gotta
stop pretending

that you fit in
with these people,
because you don't.

I'm not pretending.

Are you serious?
I mean, every time
you're with this family,

you make a fool of yourself.

Because you raised me

to be afraid
of trying anything new.

I mean, God.
Dad, listen,

I honestly...
I was nervous
to bring you here.

'Cause I knew
you would just
sit here,

and judge
with your black shirt,

your zipper purse,

your resting bitch face.

Hey, I don't have
resting bitch face.

We look like
Italian gargoyles.

You look
like you're
gonna murder

the entire
neighborhood.

You know what
your problem is?

You're so negative,
you can't let yourself
enjoy anything,

so you think I can't either.

Dad, Ellie is my future.

And I'm gonna keep
an open mind
about everything.

Whoa, whoa. What do
you mean, everything?

Even the job offer?
Maybe.

It's a pretty good one.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

First, your mother is
taken away from me.

Now you wanna leave.

I'm not leaving you, Dad.

Ellie's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And when
I get married, not if,

her family is going to be
a big part of the package.

Now, I want you
to be a part of my life.

But if that's gonna happen,
you gotta give me some effort.

I wanna see
the Salvo at the salon

that everybody loves.

And if I don't,
I got no choice

but to leave you behind.

I don't know.
How can you say that?
How can you say that?

How could you say that
to your father?

You got no respect
for your family.

I got enough respect to know
we could go to bed angry

but not stinky.
Come on.

Now, come on,
let's do our
night spritz.

I miss you, and I wish
you were here for
so many reasons.

So many reasons, just...

For one, just tell me,
am I being an asshole?

Are we really doing
the right thing
for our son?

Just give me
some kind of sign,
something.

Please?

Just let me know
what you think.

I... I...

Give me some sign, honey.

I love you.

Hi, Doug.

Hello.
What are you doing?

I was just serenading
the peacocks.

Oh.

Would you be
open enough

to doing
a healing session
with me?

A healing session?

It'll be
very beneficial for you.

Well, that's a nice offer,

but I don't know
if I even know

what you're talking about.

Well, just start
by shutting your eyes,

and then,
really,
just focus

on your breathing.

In your nose.

Out your nose.

And if you can,

really try to connect
to that little Salvo,

that was afraid
when you were young.

I don't even know
where he is anymore.

That's so long ago.

You know, I'm in another...
I'm in another life.

Let me help you
find him, okay?

Just stay with your breath.

Heal, little Salvo.
Okay, I feel better.

You do?
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Thanks.
Okay.

I'm gonna
go to sleep.
Okay.

Thank you.
Good night.

Good night.
Good night, Doug.

I'm glad
I could help.
Thank you. Yeah.

Thank you.
Big help.

Yesterday was
a day of regrettable firsts.

I yelled at my father

and I showed my balls
to my future in-laws.

But who knows?

Maybe everybody forgot?

Well, there's
the big swimmer.

Hey, did you
see the full moon
last night?

Okay. Just...
I'm talking about
your butt.

All right.
Ignore him.

His butt cheeks
are the full moon.
Yes, I understand.

Um, how you
doing, kiddo?

- I'm all right.
- Good.

- Have you seen my dad?
- Yes.

He is out
taking a walk

with Ellie, Doug
and Tigger.

- A walk?
- Yes, he was...

- he was...
- Well, here.

- Speak of the devil.
- So I says to him...

I says, "Why would I
buy you a skateboard

"when I can build you one?"

Holy Mother of God.

Sleepy head,
I was just
telling 'em

about the time
I gave you
a skateboard

for Christmas.
You remember that?

Ah, I remember
that. Yeah.

What time
did you get up
anyway?

I got up early.
I didn't want
to wake you,

so I snuck out,

did my laundry,
watched TV,

fixed one
of their bannisters,

reorganized
the spice rack.

Then when
the sun came up,

I started making
breakfast.

Then I went
for a walk to get
to know the family.

Good people,
these Collins.

Good people.
Even the commie.

Oh, I'm
a socialist.

Well, whatever
you say,
Che Guevara.

Oh, that's funny.

Get over here.

What the hell's going on?
What do you mean,
what's going on?

I'm doing what
you asked me to do.

Making an effort,
like you asked.

Okay. No, I appreciate it.
But Jesus, the shorts.

Yeah. So what?

I've never seen
your legs before.

Yeah, you haven't.

That's right.
They're not
too bad.

They look like
pretzel sticks
in socks.

Don't blame me.
This is what

these people
gave me,
you know?

What can I tell you?
I want to join the fun.

And I feel great,
and I can't wait

to see what the
universe suggests

after I opened
my eyes.

We did
a healing session
together.

Yeah. Little Salvo's
not afraid anymore.

Little Salvo?
Yeah.

I hope
everyone's ready

for Family Fun Day.

I am. I am.

Oh,
what's Family Fun Day?

What?
What, are you dense?

Everything you
need to know
is in the name.

Duh!
Duh!

- Okay.
- Salud!

What the hell
is this?

It's a big
4th of July tradition.

There's relay races,
and croquet,

and face painting,

and a hot dog
eating contest.

It's just a lot of fun.

I know
I'd asked the man

to start making an effort,

but this was crazy.

I felt like
I created a monster.

Except instead
of looking scary,

he was smiling, playing games,

dressing like
the American flag.

All right!

The Maniscalcos.

What's your
angle here?
No angle. I'm happy.

I'm with my family.

Say, "Fireworks."

Fireworks.
Chee... Say firework.

It's like bocce with sticks.

All right.
You wanna
take a look?

Nice.
Right?

And the winner
of this year's

4th of July
hot dog eating
contest is

Salvo Manisculo!

My father was
having a great time,

and suddenly, I was the one
who was uncomfortable.

I wanted him
to make an effort,

not change
who he was completely.

There he is.

The MVP.

What are you doing?
Checking out
your hardware?

I just figured out
how these people
stay so rich.

They do everything
on the cheap.

Hear that? Plastic.

Huh.

Just enjoy it,
will you, please?

I mean, you kicked
some ass out there today,

and I think these people
are starting to like you.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.
They're just being polite.

I'm serious.

Bill even has
a signature scent now.

Oh, yeah?
What brand?
He won't divulge.

He won't divulge?
Yeah.

- Salvo.
- I wanna smell that.

Oh, my God.
I've been looking
all over for you.

Um, so,
my mom just
got invited

to be on MSNBC
in two hours.

That's great.
Yes.

Well, it would
be, but Tyler,

well, he's
in Sedona,

and I have
no one to do
my hair.

So we were
thinking

maybe you could
help her out.

I mean, that's like
asking Van Gogh

to draw a smiley face.

- Yes!
- Great!

Mmm.

I'd be lying to you
if I told you

I didn't have my eyes
on your lustrous mane
all weekend.

It's nice to finally get
my hands up in here.

Hmm. I am
very grateful.

Ah.

Are those cigars?

Yeah.

Can I have one?

Oh, boy.

This day just
keeps getting
better and better.

Of course,
you can have one.

Be my guest.

Oh!

Only the best.
Can I have one?

Oh, please
join me.

Okay.

Fine.

Mmm.

You know,
I never met
a woman

who smokes
cigars before.
Yeah?

I got hooked
in the Navy.
Wait a minute.

You're military?
Mmm-hmm.

I thought you went to one
of those Ivy places.

I enlisted
after graduation.

I just felt
a duty to
my country.

But mostly, I did it
to piss off my parents.

You?

Army.

Combat?

Cook.
Ah!

Well, happy 4th to you.

You, too.

You, too.
Salud.

It's nice to have
another actual vet

out here to celebrate.

Oh!

Hey.

How's it going?
I can't hear anything.

So they're either
getting along,

or they're
quietly stabbing
each other.

Listen, I have
great news.

What's up?
Okay. So,
that decorator

that bought all my work,
they've already
placed all the pieces.

They can't say where
for privacy reasons,

but it probably means
that they're gonna
want a lot more.

That's great!
Isn't it?

Wait. Why is
your voice going up?

Why does your face
look like that?

What's going on?

Listen, babe,

I...

Voila.

Oh, what...
What is this? What...

This isn't at all
what I asked
you to do.

Well, yeah.
You see, I don't
really do requests.

The way I work is,
I look at your face,

I get a sense
of your aura,
who you are,

then I let that
dictate the style

that your personality
demands.

I am about
to go on
television,

and I just...
I just wanted to
look like myself.

Oh!

Bill,
do I look horrible?

- No, no, no.
- No?

It is not
horrible. It's...

Ellie?
Um, I just
feel like...

I don't know what it is.
Dad, couldn't
you just ditch

the aura crap,
and give her
what she wanted?

Whoa! That's like
asking Caravaggio
to go back in,

and retouch up
the beheading
of Holofernes.

The what a... Who?
I don't do that.

Can we, as a family,
please force Doug

to stop wearing
that organic de...

Holy shit, Mom!

Oh.

Why do you have
the exact same
haircut as Salvo?

That's it.
Oh, my God.

I don't think so.
You
guys look like

those weird
boy-girl twins

that, like,
just dress
the same.

Salvo, how could
you do this to me?

Wait, wait, wait.
First of all,
I didn't realize

I was doing
anything.

I mean, to me,
you look powerful,
gorgeous.

You look,
dare I even
say it, sexy.

Well, I am
supposed to go

on TV
in 10 minutes,

and you have made me look
like a bitter old Italian man!

Everybody,
please, get out.

Go, go, go,
go, go.
Sweetheart.

Mommy,
maybe you...
Get out!

With all due
respect, Chris,

the existing policy
has been working
for two decades.

Why change now?

Ah, she's kicking ass.

She's pretty much
talking about you.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

You don't
just make
major decisions

based on instincts.

You've gotta listen

to the people
you're servicing,

or someone's
gonna end
up dead.

All right.
Yeah. Well, okay.

Maybe you got a point.
Uh,
Senator MacArthur,

I'm actually...
I'm very sorry...

Sorry to cut
you short.
"Cut me short"?

Did you say
"cut me short"?

Is that some kind
of sick joke,
Chris, huh?

Uh, as you can see,

uh, very
strong feelings,

uh, coming out of this story.

We're gonna continue to follow
its developments for you.

Listen, when this is all over,
you better apologize.

Apologize?
For what?

For what?
She wanted
a touch up.

You made her look
like David Bowie.

What? Are you
kidding me?
I gave her a 'do

that was very
age appropriate

and dignified.
She should
be thanking me.

I wouldn't hold
my breath, Salvo.

Oh, is she really pissed off?

When I left,

she was googling
homemade poisons.

I don't know
if it was for Salvo
or for herself.

Oh.
I don't get it.

Most women would be honored
to have their hair done

by East Chicago's three-time
Hair Stylist of the Year.

That was in the 80's.

The 80's. So what?
That's the golden age
of hair.

Hi, Mom.

Would you go
talk to her?
Say something?

What am
I going to say?

Just say something,
all right?

Hey, uh, Tig.

Tig? Uh...

Tigger. Tigger,
I just want

to say
you looked
so good

up there
on the box.

Really, really.
Very, very dignified.

"On the box?"

Get on your feet,
and go over there.

All right?
All right.

Uh, Tig, uh...

I just wanna...

tell you I'm sorry

for giving you
a very high-quality hairdo

without your permission.

I heard the word "sorry."

But then you followed it up

with a compliment
to yourself.

Well, if I'm being
honest, I never
gave that style

to anybody else before.

So I really think

your aura commands
the respect

that I typically
only reserve for myself.

So I am sorry
that I, you know,

didn't do exactly
what you asked for.

Thanks.

You know?
Hey, you know what?

Let... Let me make

an offer. I would
love to make

a full Italian dinner
for everybody.

That sounds so nice.
How about that?

And also
as a thank you,

and with great
appreciation,

for letting us stay
in this beautiful home.

That won't be necessary.

We don't keep
a lot of food here

and the markets are
closed for the holiday.

Don't worry.

A Maniscalco
always finds a way

to feed
his family,
right?

Yep. You got it.

I think it's
a wonderful idea.

I mean, if you look
like an Italian man,

why not eat like one,
huh?

No, I mean,
if you...
I meant Italian...

Shut up, Bill.

I'll be sleeping
on the couch tonight.

Everybody likes to talk

about how bad
social media is.

But in this case,

it really worked out
for my dad.

Senator Tigger MacArthur
is going viral today,

and for the first time,
for all the right reasons.

This new haircut
is giving me like...

G.I. Jane two months
out of boot camp.

It's giving me
gender fluidity.

It's giving me fresh,
hot, gorgeous.

Whoever did that haircut,

America thanks you. Ah!

Now that
Tigger's approval rating
was through the roof,

she was happy to let
my dad back under hers.

So good.
So, this is delicious.

I can't believe

that you put
this all together

from what we have
in the kitchen.

My guess is he raided
the kitchen over at The Shack.

So, you might wanna call

Gloria over there,
see if you got
some inventory.

Mmm, mmm.

What do you call
this again, Salvo?

It is delicious.

I'm going for seconds.
Don't tell my trainer.

It's really good.
I just wish you hadn't used
my bowls.

Well, you know,
I used your bowls, Doug,

because I wanted
to add a special

spiritual reverberation
to the meal.

So, that's why,
you know?
Okay.

Yeah.
So, thank you

for that
contribution.
Okay.

- Salvo, it's delicious.
- Delicious.

Listen, given everything
you're doing for my son,

this is the least
I can do.
Oh.

And I just wanna
say something that

my father used to say.

The translation is,

"The family isn't
just one important thing,

"it's everything."

And I like
to toast to that.
Lovely.

- Salud!
- Salud!

To everything.
Salud.

- Cheers, everybody.
- Well said.

Watch it, watch it.

Oh, collision!

Cut him off.
Time for some
more vino, huh?

Oh, yes.
When in Rome.

Because,
you know,

you guys
are Italian.

You got a problem
with Italians, Bill?
Yeah, Bill.

Who got you?
Come on, Bill!

I thought he was
serious.

What's this?

You know, just...

...the sexiest way
I can think of

to say thank you.

Here? Are you
kidding me?

They're in
the next room.

You know
I'm a screamer.
I know.

Just come
over here.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

Hmm?

What, baby? What?
Oh, we got
to go inside.

I'm getting eaten alive.
What? What are
you talking about?

I saw a raccoon.
Is that a safe word?

There's raccoons
everywhere.
Raccoon?

Yeah.
Where? What raccoon?

There's
some wildlife.
Honey, there's no raccoons.

Mmm.

Seeing
my future in-laws eat

their family pet is
is as close to an acid trip

as I ever wanna be.

Here comes the airplane.

Ah, no!

This Italian food's
going to my head.

This was proof
the man was diabolical.

I murdered Sergeant Feathers.

I can't believe

you fed 'em
a peacock.

How could
you do this?
Easy.

My recipe called for chicken.
All the stores were closed.

So what does a great chef do?
He improvises.

By murdering
their beloved mascot?

They still got
three left. Are
you kidding me?

Where we come from,
it's called,

"You gotta do what you gotta
do to feed the family."

It's called
the peasant mentality.

Look around, Dad.

These people
aren't peasants.

And you thought
I was crazy

for worrying
that you were gonna

make us look like
some bad Italian stereotype?

Come on. You know
I'm not doing that.

Are you blind? Look at...

We are
in the woods

in the middle
of the night

trying to get rid
of a freakin' body.

That's right.

To help me get
rid of the evidence.

Why does it seem like
you've done this before?

Stupid bird!
It's dead!

What are
you doing?

Look at
its feathers.

Night cologne?

Listen, son,

I was just trying
to help you win
this family over

by making
a good meal,
that's all.

Well, if this is
your idea of help,

I think I'm good, Dad.

Jesus.

Why do I feel
like you're trying

to wreck this
for me?
Wreck it?

I'm just making an effort
like you asked me to do.

Well, it turns out
the only thing worse

than you not trying
is you trying.

Well, maybe to you,
but to me, these people,

they seem
to like me.
Like you?

If I told these people
the truth about what happened,

they'd never
have us back here.

You know, why did
I let Ellie convince me
to bring you here?

What do you mean,
"bring me here"?

You're the one
who invited me,
didn't you?

Yeah, I invited you
to get grandma's ring.

I didn't know you were
gonna spend the whole time
sabotaging me.

What are you
talking about,
"sabotaging"?

How could you say that?

Everything I'm
doing for you,

that I've ever done
for you is for
your own good,

to give you
a better life.

You love to say that,
but now that
I'm gonna get it,

it's like you're
trying to stop it.

Trying to
stop what?

I'm trying to make sure
that you don't make
an ass out of yourself

by trying to be
somebody you're not.

You're your own person.

You're your own man.
Be your own man.

Otherwise,
it's embarrassing.

Oh, man.
You know what?

This is your problem.
You're so focused

on other people
being embarrassed,

you can't see who
the most embarrassing
person is.

It's you.

That's really
what you think?

Let's just go
to sleep,
all right?

The next morning,
it was the 4th of July,

which made sense,
'cause I was

finally getting
my independence.

It was an amazing feeling.

But much like
my signature scent,

it was a little bittersweet.

But this was
the beginning of my new life.

And now that I had the ring,

it was time to make my move.

I've given this
a lot of thought

over the last
few days,

and on top
of accepting

your very generous offer

to run the Barrymore Hotel,

I would also like
to ask your permission

to propose to Ellie.

Oh.

Ah, that doesn't...

I...

We're kidding!

We got him.
Ho! You
should've seen

the look
on your face.
Priceless.

Our answer is
an emphatic...

Yes!
Oh, God.

Gee, Sebastian,
we just love you.

And we just...
We cannot

wait for you
and Ellie

to join the party
in D.C.

Yes.
And this is perfect.

We're doing our family
Christmas card photo today.

You can propose there,
and then be in it!

Oh, thank God.
I was so nervous

how you guys would react
to this, you know?

Especially, what's happened
this weekend with my father.

No. That dinner
was wonderful.

Yeah.
Fantastic. Memorable.

Chicken al cavone.

Fantastic.

- Never had it.
- Terrific.

Yes.
Don't know what's in it.

What the hell kind
of elf are you
supposed to be?

I'm representing
all the holiday
traditions.

Nice.

You're as plump
as a little partridge.

Yes.

Oh, oh.

Hey, you fit
right in.

Uh, I don't know.

Can I propose first

and then put on
the tree costume?

What's
the difference?
Oh, E... Ellie.

Ellie, where's
your costume?
We... We can't

do this without
our reindeer.

I'm sorry, but I'm
not gonna be taking

the photo this year,
because I no longer

wanna be a part
of this family.

Also, Sebastian
isn't taking the job,

we are not
moving to D.C.

and we're not gonna
spend any more time

with these
manipulators.
So, let's go.

What happened?
What's happened?

Dad, what do all
of your hotels
have in common?

Five-star experience
at a three-star price.

No. The answer is

their lobby art.

Oh.
Shall we start

with the Barrymore
Hotel?
Uh-oh.

Shall we? Come on.
No, I don't
need to see...

Oh, look.
Do you notice
anything familiar

about the walls?
Well, no.

That's
my painting,
isn't it?

Well,
what's that?
My painting.

My painting.

Oh, yeah,
my painting.
All right.

It was
your dad's idea!

Wait. Just wait.
It was
your dad's idea.

No. One second here.
It was him.

I just wanna know
how you found out.

Sebastian,
did you tell her?

What?

You knew
about this?

Well, no,
I kind of saw...

I can't believe that
you all did this to me.

Ellie, we can explain.

We can explain.
No, Mom!

This whole time
I thought I was
selling my art

to this cool new designer,

when really
my parents
just hired them

to buy my work.

No, no, no, darling.

No, that's
not... No.

Yes. Yes, that is
technically true.

I thought
I was killing it
in the art world!

We just wanted you
to get a jump-start

in a really,
really rough business.

It's so terrible
out there.
You know how rough it is.

It's what you
always do.
You're always...

You're just
stealing
our lessons.

You bribe our way
onto sports teams,

you rewrite
our college essays,

you hire famous rappers

to emcee
our birthday parties.

That was also
not my idea.
Okay. So what?

Now you don't
like Warren G?

Look, you guys are
great parents.

Don't let her guilt you
into changing your ways.

All I have ever wanted
was to feel like

I was accomplishing
things on my own.

And I can't believe
that you just didn't

say something to me.

Sweetheart, we, um...

Oh, my gosh.
I told you.
Well, yeah.

I'd been
so focused on trying

to please Ellie's family,

that I lost sight
of what I came here to do.

I had to find Ellie
and make this right.

And I knew exactly
where she'd be.

Permission
to approach?

Place could use
a remodel, huh?

I'm sorry.

I should've said something.

Yeah, you should have.

Is there anything I could do
to make it up to you?

Just being in this family

is like bowling
with bumpers.

It's like,

no matter what I try to do,

they're always
setting up rails

to make sure that I win.

And sometimes,
I just want to free bowl,

because then,
that way

if I bowl a strike,
then that's my strike.

But if I gutter it,
then that's on me too.

I understand.

You want to work hard
for your own success.

Yes.

Do you remember
when you told me
the story

about how Salvo taught
you how to swim?

He dropped me in the middle
of Lake Michigan in November.

Listen, I know
he's a pain in the ass,

but he also raised you
to be tough and resourceful.

And those are two things
I really love about you.

And I kind of wish
that my parents had

raised me more like that.

And that was the moment

everything finally started
to make sense.

Here I was,
planning to propose

to the girl of my dreams,

and I was gonna do it
without the man who raised me?

I realized
I had everything I wanted,

but not what I needed.

I gotta go
do something first.

What? What?

Trust me.
Meet me
at dinner.

How's he doing
back there?

Keep going,
bro, I'm fine.
Okay.

There it is. That's it.

I got you, mi hermano.

You go get him.

Hey, stop!
You can't be out here!

Sir, you have
to get off the tarmac! Sir!

Stop the plane.

Son...

what are you doing?

You look like
you swam here.

I came here
to tell you

that you're
stubborn,
you're cheap,

you're obnoxious,

you're severely
judgmental...

Wait, wait.
This is what

I'm getting off
the plane for?

Dad, but the truth is

all those quirks are
part of what makes you
the greatest dad

that I could
ever hope for.

Okay. Now
I'm listening.

Now, it ain't
always easy
being your son,

but the way you raised me
made me the man I am today.

The same man,
for whatever the reason,

Ellie seems to love.

Could never figure
that one out, either,
but you know...

You got your
grandmother's ring.

What else
you need
from me?

I need you to be part
of our lives, Dad.

But you said
I was embarrassing.

You are.

You haven't
changed one bit
since I was a kid.

You know who did?
I changed.

And I think somewhere
along the way,

I forgot.

You're my hero, man.

Stop.
No. You are.

All the stuff
you sacrifice.

Everything that's
good in my life,
I owe it to you.

No. It's... it's...

It's that good things
happen to good kids.

You're a good boy.

It's just that
I've been acting
crazier lately,

because... I... I...

I was so poor,
for me to give you
a better life,

and now that
you're going to have it,

and I'm afraid that
once you marry Ellie,

I'm gonna lose
the only family I got.

Oh, Dad, you're
not gonna lose me.
Don't worry.

Stop... don't cry, Dad.

You're going
to make me cry.
Well, I can't help it.

I love you, man.

I love you, Dad.
I love you too, kid.

Love you.

Are you crying?

What?
Are you crying?

Hell, no.

I never cry!

Wow!

I don't know
why I was
so scared.

This is really
beautiful.
Yeah.

Oh, my God!
We're going down!

Oh, my God!
I'm just kidding.

I'm going
to kill you, Luck!

Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome

to this year's
4th of July clambake.

Well, so far,

a very
pleasant evening.

Mmm-hmm.
Thank you,
my darling.

Such a treat.

Hats off to that
new chef, huh?

Outstanding.
Of course, you can't
go wrong with lobster.

Oh, sweetie,

did you lose
your appetite?

Do you wanna
buy me one?

All right,
ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you brought
your dancing shoes tonight...

Because...

Thank you, Mr. Woodrow.
Because we've got a real treat

for you guys tonight.

Please welcome, all the way
from Chicago, Illinois,

Sebastian Maniscalco.

Ellie Collins,
you asked for this.

I wonder what
this is about.
I don't know.

Eleanor
Mallory Collins.

What are you doing?

Exactly what
I came here to do.

Now, my father
said something

really profound
this weekend.

It's an old
Italian saying,

"Family isn't
one important thing,

"it's everything."

Now, yeah, they could
be embarrassing.

Smothering.

Sometimes maybe
express their love

in ways
that are pretty...
Messed up.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

But at the end
of the day they're...

they're just trying to do
what's best for us.

Because they love us.

Now here,
in this moment,

in front
of our families...

Ellie...

will you marry me?

- Yes.
- Oh.

And there
you have it, folks.

An atypical
American love story

about a man reconnecting
with his hero,

and two different brands
of immigrant families

coming together.

Sebastian,
are you sure

you won't
reconsider
our offer?

No, it's
a generous offer.

Yeah.
But Ellie
and I decided

to stay in Chicago
for at least
a few more years.

Oh!
Yeah.

I'm not saying
a word.
Heartbreaking.

Dad, I was thinking
since Sea Bass isn't...
Yeah.

gonna take the job,
I thought I could...

step up.

No more drugs?

Prescription?
Mostly mine?

A dream come true.

All right.
Thank you.
That's my boy, Lucky.

I'm
running a hotel.

Hi.
Hi, everybody.

Um, I'd like you to meet
my girlfriend, Michelle.

Hello.
Hi, I'm Ellie.

Hi.
She's real.

That's my sister.

It's very nice
to meet all of you.

Did you fly
all the way
from... from...

Africa.
...Africa

...to be
with Doug?

Oh, well,
I love Doug.

But I'm
actually here

on a Fulbright
scholarship.

She's very smart.

Very nice.

Well, we're
just so happy

to meet you.
Lovely.

Yes. You could sit...
Mom. Dad.

Yes. Yes.
Where are
we gonna go?

Right this way.
Yeah, we gotta get

our picture taken.

Don't say that I never
did nothing for you.

- Ah.
- Oh.

How would
you two feel

about having
the wedding

in our chapel
in D.C.?

D.C.? No.

Let's have it
in Sicily.

Oh, Sicily.
In my grandfather's
garden.

That's where
you should...
I was thinking like Napa,

because I found this place
that has a big wine glass.

And you can do
the whole ceremony

in the wine glass.

Duke! Duke! No!

What do you have
in your mouth?

Duke murdered
a peacock.