Original subtitles

* *

Okay, Danica, spill the beans.

Where are we going for my bachelorette party, hmm?

Burlesque seafood buffet in Reno?

The theme was going to be "Trapped in a Mine."

You know, because marriage is a trap.

But Carly vetoed my idea

without so much as a petite rendezvous.

We are going to...

Ohio!

I said...

Ohio!

We heard you.

Wait. Are we gonna be on my favorite TV show

Toledo House Flip?

No.

But we are going to the "Party Like They Do

on Toledo House Flip Experience."

You know how gals go to New York

to do the Sex and the City tours?

So, it's gonna be exactly like that, except we're going to be

"remodeling" a house in the Midwest.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Placing succulents in corners,

and choosing between zebra and giraffe wallpaper.

And screwing in Edison light bulbs while drinking mimosas.

So you changed the entire weekend on a whim?

Classic Carly.

Don't worry. I approved Carly's itinerary, which means a lot

because I'm the queen of bachelorette parties.

You've been a maid of honor before?

14 times. All featured in Bachelorette Party magazine.

Self-published.

Hey. Did you tell her?

Did you tell her? Did she freak out?

Did she... flip?

Yoo-hoo, Freddie, a word?

Hey, um, question.

When you hear "Classic Carly"...

Oh, no. My mom said "Classic Carly"?

Why, what does it mean?

My mom kind of thinks that you're...

impulsive, unreliable, disrespectful to elders,

and prone to hijacking a weekend.

Is that all?

No. She also thinks you have poor posture.

But that's all.

I am going to prove to her this weekend

that I am respectful, reliable,

and that I can stand up straight.

God, my spine burns.

Don't worry, okay? She's gonna love it.

Have fun. I love you.

And I love you, Millicent.

-Millicent? -Bye.

Fredward, I just--

Bye, Danica.

-Take care, Harps. -Oh.

And now a goodbye to the one I'm going to miss the most...

Ooh.

Carly.

Sorry, what did you want to tell me, Mom?

I don't recall.

Then it must not have been important.

See ya, Mama. Hang loose.

Hang looser.

Classic Carly.

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance unless you take one *

* And the time to see the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *

* *

How fun is flying Southwest?

You never know where you're gonna sit.

And yet somehow I ended up next to you.

Is this a murder house?

There was never a conviction.

Hi. So, the brochure made it seem less, um, meth-y?

And I'm very dependable,

so I wouldn't have booked something meth-y.

You're saying meth a lot. Let me see your teeth.

Welcome, ladies.

I'm Emily Haines, and I'm honored you booked

the "Party Like They Do on Toledo House Flip Experience."

Rehabbing a home is good for the soul.

Talk to Carly about rehab,

she's the one who's babbling on about meth.

This is the bride, Marissa.

I'm the maid of honor.

One would think I would've been the one

to pick what we're doing this weekend,

but one would be wrong.

Now, I just need one member of the group

to sign here so we can get started.

I know it's called "Party Like They Do on Toledo House Flip,"

but it's strange because it seems like

we're about to be doing actual labor?

Relax, it's all part of the experience.

Plus, you get to wear jumpsuits!

Oh, good.

Manual labor and you're making it harder for me to pee.

Never underestimate the power of women in pink jumpsuits.

Amen.

Now, hand over your phones.

When we unplug from the world,

we plug in with each other.

Ooh, plug language.

I definitely want to plug in with y'all.

So, hand them over, ladies.

Where we're going, we don't need phones.

It's weird. For someone so claustrophobic,

you sure do enjoy invading others' personal space.

* *

Well, I guess it is a Saturday.

Oh!

-Aah! -Lewbert.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, Marissa said you'd throw me a bachelor party.

Didn't she tell you?

I think she tried to.

What's in the growler?

Oh, a family recipe:

Lewb Juice.

It's a delicious libation

and a darn strong foot exfoliant.

Shall I pour?

That's gross and I don't want to do this

and I'm mad at my mom now.

Okay. You know,

Marissa said your unreliable girlfriend

would rub off on you.

Classic Carly.

Wait. Fine. I'll give you a party.

Who do you want me to invite?

Hello?

Hey, man, you busy?

No, what's up?

Apparently, my mom promised Lewbert

I would throw him a bachelor party tonight.

Oh, hey, hey, can I invite Paul?

He seems like somebody I can pretend to like IPAs with.

Yeah, sure, he's an additional human male.

In five, four, three...

* This is The Paul Show, and I am Paul *

Damn it, when is it my turn?

You've got Paul, manager, impresario, size 15 shoe.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna be friends.

Oh, hey, what's up, man? It's Spencer Shay.

Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh, you into bachelor parties?

Oh, I'm not into bachelor parties.

I'm the king of bachelor parties.

How soon can you be in my apartment?

Oh, an hour. I-I'm upstairs

but I got to go home and get my poppers.

Zut alors.

I didn't realize this would be so physical.

It's not so bad.

Normally, people pay $50 to do hungover Pilates.

This is just like that, only with more tetanus.

If I get tetanus, can I sit down?

You know what? Let's play a game.

And the name of the game that I'm about to say is...

"Truth or Hammer!"

Oh, yes. The famous party game that everyone knows.

Truth or Hammer is a very real game that exists...

where we go around and ask each other penetrating questions.

And if anyone doesn't want to answer,

then it's hammer time.

Wow, that actually kind of made sense.

And as Bachelorette Party Tsarina,

I brought Mrs. B's favorite libation. Grenadine!

Shots! Shots! Non-alcoholic shots!

Wow, is this party iconic or what?

Danica, have you ever flirted with a man you knew was taken?

Oui oui. But the French never kiss and tell.

You're from Idaho.

I guess it's hammer time.

Okay. Harper!

Who is your best kiss?

Ooh, you want me to choose between 100-- lies-- 300 people?

It's hammer time!

Okay, Carly's turn.

What's the most romantic place you've been with Freddie?

Ooh.

Oh. I know where it's going to be.

Freddie's taking me on a two-day cruise...

...to Jamaica...

...on the second Sunday in May.

Mother's Day weekend?!

Why wasn't I invited?

Because that would be weird.

Oh, no. Not weird.

No, that's so normal.

Come with, girlfriend.

We can even set up a cot in the cabin.

That I will be sleeping on.

Marissa, let's put down the hammer.

You're not storming the Bastille.

I want to go home.

Well, you tried, Carly. Poorly, but you tried.

Ah, stay the course.

This is a part of every bachelorette party:

the bride must cry for no rhyme or reason.

You're doing great, sweetie.

Screw this party.

I just wanted Mrs. B to like me.

Ladies, let's go.

Oh, hey, girl.

Where do you think you're going?

You're trapped.

-Trapped? -Perhaps I was being a dot dramatic.

You can leave anytime.

Once the house is flipped.

It's all explained here.

That waiver? But none of us signed it except Carly.

She signed for your entire group unilaterally.

-Classic Carly. -Classic Carly.

So now I'm what?

Someone who signs waivers on behalf of a group?

Yup.

It's not a waiver.

It's an employment contract.

And that HGTV B-I-T-C-H has our phones.

I say we smash that case.

Go ahead.

My fiancé made this lockbox,

and he designed the deathtraps for the movie Saw.

Ladies, you're just contracted construction workers

until the home is done. Simple pimple.

This contract doesn't include a minor's permit.

I'm well-versed in Ohio's child labor laws.

Guess that makes you my co-captain.

You up for delineating tasks

while drinking cold sparkling apple cider?

Keep the meaningless title.

I accept the power and the juice.

How long will this take?

I left my mouse Julien with a bowl of food and a note.

That mouse is dead.

I had a party flip a house in two days.

Well, a 500-square-foot studio.

Never underestimate the power of women in pink jumpsuits.

Don't worry, we've got this.

Because we, including me,

are dependable, decisive, straight-spined gals.

Oh, has anyone been up to the second floor?

There's a second floor?

Oh, I can't believe you went to all this trouble for me.

Well, a boy's best friend is his mother.

By the way, have you heard from her?

Oh, not a peep.

Although, sometimes Marissa pretends to go missing.

It's sort of an elaborate psychosexual prank. You see--

Now! For the love of God, now!

* *

Lock the doors and lower the blinds!

It's bachelor party time!

Oh, it's happening! I'm the bachie!

Bachie! Bachie! Bachie!

All my friends are here!

Best bachelor party ever!

So...

what's next?

Next?

This is the thing.

Or...

Lewb Juice?

So, it's a drink and a foot exfoliant?

You know, I thought Lewb Juice would taste terrible

because the name, like Lewbert, is disgusting.

-Lewbert is disgusting. -Yeah.

You are disgusting.

Does Lewb Juice make you mean?

No, it just makes you honest.

Dissolves the skin off your feet

and the filter off your brain.

Go ahead, try to lie.

I like Ben Affleck's back tattoo. I think it's hip.

That's incredible.

I wish you weren't marrying my mother.

I wish you weren't her son.

Sometimes I wonder how far

I can take this lovable goofball thing.

Will I ever have to grow up?

If I did, I'd want to be like you.

Please, you're the cool one, Captain Charisma.

Oh.

Oh, my God, no.

Is it that bitch Trina from poison control?

She said I could still drink Lewb Juice

as long as I didn't sell it!

Guys, this is an emergency. We got to go.

-Oh, God! -My feet!

-My feet! -It burns!

I have friends.

Carly, you really know how to plan a bachelorette party.

Danica, when you're done with the wall, paint my nails.

Hey, hey.

At least the hard hats are pink.

Okay, ladies, quick vibe check.

The vibe? It's giving "hostage."

Then it's time for Stockholm Syndrome because I'm thinking

Scandinavian modern for these floors.

Then we need to go over a long list of other changes.

Ugh, changes? Why can't things just stay the same?

Same house, same walls, same little boy who kisses me

on the cheek before anyone else when saying goodbye!

Oh, this is about Freddie.

Who's Freddie again?

It's Carly's boyfriend and Millicent's dad.

He was my son first!

-Mrs. B, wait! -No, no.

This is a part of it.

Phase one, shots. Phase two, the bride wants to leave.

Phase three, the coolest person

at the party calms everyone down.

That's what's currently happening.

Screw you, ladies!

Mrs. Benson, where are you?

You're kind of freaking us out.

I'm in the walls, suckas!

This is not a known phase.

I can't sell this house with a woman in the wall.

That's a $20,000 markdown.

Wait, I thought you were an event planner.

You're also the realtor?

Damn, girl, you got capitalism figured out.

If any of you ever want to leave,

you better get her out of there.

Now it looks like we're talking to something

and not an actual wall.

Mrs. B, I know you can hear me.

I can't hear you, Carly.

We have to get you out of there.

Leave me be. This is my safe space.

Do most safe spaces have asbestos?

-Hey. -We're here!

You came to rescue us?

Yes, we did.

Like four gallant kni-aah!

What in God's name is happening?

We've been drinking Lewb Juice.

It's a foot exfoliant, which is why we can't walk.

It's also a truth serum,

which is why I want one of those jumpsuits in an XL

so I can feel like I belong.

Oh!

Where's my mom?

Funny story, actually.

Um, your mother hates me and this weekend so much

that she is... in the walls.

Classic Mommy.

All right, I'll get her out.

I can't do this.

Well, then I have no choice.

Mrs. Benson, I'm coming for you!

You can depend on me!

I can hear you slouching.

Oh, the crawlspace.

Carly, your claustrophobia.

Grease up my shoulders, I am going in.

Come to Toledo, get together, flip a house,

have a few laughs...

Bruce Willis, you damn national treasure,

how the hell did you make it look so easy?

Aah!

Oh, yippee-ki-yay, Freddie's mother.

Thank God you're okay!

Oh, look. I went into my safe space,

and you ran in and took over.

Classic Carly.

Enough.

We both love Freddie so much.

We should be on the same team.

Freddie and I were a team.

But ever since you showed up,

it's like he put me on the bench.

I hate sports.

I never really looked at it that way.

Carly, that's so loud.

Marissa! I will get you out of there!

I see a saw.

Could someone saw off my feet?!

How did you guys find us?

I texted Dad.

When Emily wasn't looking, I took a crack at her lockbox.

The code was 1234.

Simple pimple indeed.

Wait, you got to our phones?

I could've called Julien

and told him how to get a bottle of water.

Don't challenge my methods.

I'm the hero.

I'm the real hero!

I bet you hate me now more than ever.

I don't hate you, Carly.

I just hate change, especially when it comes to Freddie.

Also, I truly hate your posture.

But I can't believe you crawled into the wall for me.

Both because of your claustrophobia

and your obvious character flaws.

Of course I did. I love Team Benson.

And I'm always going to be your biggest cheerleader.

And maybe someday, I'll be a Benson, too.

-Mm. -Sorry.

Yeah, I-I shouldn't have said that.

Could you just keep that between us?

What happens in the wall stays in the wall.

But if you think he's marrying Little Miss Scoliosis,

you've had a bit too much grenadine.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

I think we've had enough truth.

How about some hammer?

Here's Mommy!

Hey!

Your girlfriend faced her worst fears to rescue me.

Classic Carly.

Oh, my favorite girls, get in here.

Carly, Mom, Millicent!

I'm a'ight.

Well, ladies,

this house looks even worse than when you started.

I'm glad you found a passel of men to help,

because at the pace you're going,

you'll be in Ohio for months

to fulfill the terms of your contract.

I'd like to talk about your little...

employment contract.

Oh, snap, it's his lawyer voice.

I perused your contract and it fails to address

the fact that Ohio is an at-will employment state.

-But they signed-- -Which means...

an employee may quit their job at any time for any reason.

Regardless of a contact.

Tell her, Pop Pop.

So, unless you'd like to face charges of kidnapping, fraud,

then I suggest you refund these ladies' money

and never speak of this again.

Yeah!

The bride cried, we took shots--

I came to rescue you and you rescued my mom.

Bruce Willis could never.

Mm.

Ooh, and someone made out.

With their boyfriend. Still counts. We did it, Joe.

Ooh!

* *

-* Y'all ready for this * -Oh, my God!

* *

* This is The Paul Show and I am Paul *

Welcome back to Paul or Nothing.

Today, respected doorman- turned-lawyer Lewbert Sline

is gonna show us how to make his famous Lewb Juice.

Step one. Warm cough syrup,

boiled in the mouth of an active volcano.

Step two. Some nice, expired nut milk.

And I don't mean almonds.

That's my man.

You're welcome, Internet.

* *

Ooh!

* *