All language subtitles for Magic Max 2021

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Here at Magic Motors,
we make high prices disappear.

MAX: Prices disappear.

They're not disappearing.

- [ALARM BEEPS]
- [THUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

♪ Have you ever been close
To tragedy

♪ Or been close to
Folks who have

♪ Have you ever felt a
Pain so powerful

♪ So heavy you collapse

♪ No? Well...

♪ I've never had to
Knock on wood

♪ But I know someone who has

♪ Which makes me
Wonder if I could

♪ It makes me wonder if

♪ I've never had to
Knock on wood

♪ And I'm glad I haven't yet

♪ Because I'm sure
It isn't good

♪ That's the impression
That I get

♪ I've never had to
Knock on wood

♪ But I know someone who has

♪ Which makes me wonder
If I could

♪ It makes me wonder if

♪ I've never had to
Knock on wood

♪ And I'm glad I haven't yet

♪ Because I'm sure
It isn't good

♪ That's the impression
That I get ♪

[TIRE SCREECHING]

♪ Never had to
But I better knock on wood

♪ 'Cause I know someone who has

♪ Which makes me wonder
If I could

♪ It makes me wonder if I

♪ Never had to
But I better knock on wood

♪ Because I'm sure
It isn't good

♪ And I'm glad I haven't yet

♪ That's the impression... ♪

Oh, he's coming!

[MUTTERING]

All right, you clowns, gather around
here, I wanna talk to you.

I've got cars out there
gathering dust people!

Now you stiffs have got to get John Q and
Jane Q's signatures on these contracts.

And then you turn your
attention to the other lollipops

that are coming onto the lot.

Mr. Grismer,
some of them just want to look.

Want to look?

People come on this lot because they
prefer to drive, rather than walk.

Now your job is to
sell from the heart.

From the gut.
If you're not prepared to do that,

then you can get your
low-production butt off my lot

and make room
for somebody who is.

Now, get out there and shove
those cars down their throats

before I really blow a gasket!

[GRUNTS]

Somebody bring me
some hot coffee.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh. Hi, little girl.

Would you like to see
a magic trick?

Can you make yourself
disappear?

As soon as happy hour gets here.

My dad says you probably
didn't go to college.

My dad sells Cryptocurrency.

Well, I sell wonder and amazement
under the guise of used car sales.

He says in five years,
you'll be homeless.

Well, that'd be a step up.
Now, beat it, kid,

before I turn your freckles
into liver spots.

[GRUNTS]

I hear your attitude was
lousy out there today.

Yeah, You know,
I think the smell of

baby puke might have weakened
my charming personality.

You're paid to entertain,
not depress everybody.

I bring the stiffs in Grismer.
You know what?

Sometimes I think you forget...

- who needs who.
- [GRISMER LAUGHS]

Pitchmen are a dime a dozen, and your
tricks are putting people to sleep.

It's only a matter of time until your
dime-store magic isn't needed around here.

And there'll come a time
when I land the big trick,

people lined up around the block

and you...
you begging me to stay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, until that day happens
or until hell freezes over,

you better shape up or ship out.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know how much
more of this I can take, Mike.

Grismer?

- I need a new job.
- Me too.

You're too good for this place.
You should open your own shop.

With what money?

You're wasting your prime years, Mike...
on Grismer. Think about it.

You are, too.

Yes, but only physically.
Not my soaring soul.

There's no magic here.

[ANNOUNCEMENT ON RADIO]

Hey, Max.
Just waiting for backup.

Doing okay there, buddy?

[SIGHS] Yeah, why do you ask?

Well, it seems your friend
Vinnie is at it again.

No, no, no. He's actually more of
a neighborly acquaintance, Carl.

When he isn't blasted,
Vinnie is the kind of guy who

makes death wishes before he
blows out his birthday candles.

Wait, how often do you deal with
suicidal situations?

Every morning.
Right before I walk into work.

- VINNIE: Is that you, Max?
- Yeah.

- [CAT MEOWING]
- Yeah, me and

three news crews
down the street.

You're getting more press
than I am, Vinnie.

I lost my job, Max.
I'm a failure!

Yeah. Of course you are.

- You've been drinking?
- No.

- Why the hell not?
- I hate the world, Max!

What's to hate, Vinnie?
You never leave your house.

I should just hang myself
and get it over with.

You'd look like a human pinata.

- Hold on.
- I don't know if I can, Max.

MAX: Kill me, please.
I want to die.

- Oh, God.
- Hey! I haven't read that yet!

It's the morning paper, Ralph.
It's five o'clock in the afternoon.

Let me guess, Vinnie. Will you tell
him to just end it already, you?

Yeah. I'll relay your
kind thoughts.

Hey, Max. I want the
crossword section.

Try and keep that commotion down.
I'm tired of that no-good bum.

Your a humanitarian, Ralph,
did you know that?

Okay, Vinnie.

Guy with your looks is...

- probably good with his hands.
- Yeah.

A little shaky right now,
though.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
How about a maintenance job?

I did fix your toaster
a few weeks back.

Yeah. Yeah, It burns real good
on one side right now.

You know, Vinnie, why don't you try
looking on the brighter side, huh?

Remember, I once complained
about a hole in my shoe

until I met a man
with no feet. Hmm?

What does that mean?

It means, Vinnie,
people got it worse than you.

I know a guy,
works a nowhere job.

No purpose in his life.
Drinks way too much.

His father thinks he's a loser.

He only has one friend
in the whole world.

Can't even buy a date unless he
makes them his lovely assistant.

Man! I'm glad
I'm not him, Max.

He's just one signature trick
away from fame and fortune.

Oh, so sad. Whoever this person
is, it made me appreciate my life.

Who is this sorry excuse
for a human?

I made him up!

Vinnie.

Go have a shot of scotch, huh?

Then you draw a nice hot bath,

with the bubbles
and the candles, like you like.

Okay, Max,
you're a real good friend.

Is that it? So now what?

Now I go home
and try to figure out

why skipping college
was a good idea.

You know, I should probably take
him in this time, Max.

If you don't, Carl, I'll do another
charity event for you guys. Huh?

[FUNNY RINGTONE]

This should be a really good ending
to a really, really good day.

Excuse me. Hi, Mom.

What? Mom, slow...
Mom, slow down...

What?

I'm sorry, Max.

I know you and your brother
weren't that close, but still,

- I'm really sorry.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Shot out of the womb.

Different directions,
then never came full circle.

It's sad.

Plane crash,
I can't believe it.

He was with his wife, too.
I mean, the whole thing. It's just awful.

- Beer me.
- Bet your dad is taking this hard, talking about life

just turning on a dime.

- Ole!
- [MAN LAUGHS FROM BEHIND]

- How's he doing?
- Not good.

But, I mean,

I'm pretty sure he wants to stick
around long enough to watch me

totally fail. So that's good.

But, Timmy, my nephew.
No one to come home to for dinner.

No one to say, "Hello, Tim."

How was your day, dear?

When was last time you saw him?

He was seven, eight...

- He's 10 now.
- Who gets 'em?

Ah, can't be my parents.

Dad's too sick.

Mom couldn't handle pre-teen
hormones 25 years ago.

This right here is the
result of that.

So that's gonna fall
on my shoulders, the kid.

- Can you handle that?
- No. No.

I don't like humans.

Much less ones under 18.
Now I gotta live with him.

- But he's blood.
- MAN: To family, Max.

He's blood.
And so I'll grind it out.

- Max, the good uncle.
- The good Scotch.

Have you ever had like
the worst day of your life?

I guarantee you, it isn't
as bad as the one I'm having.

Me. I lost everything.

- All at once.
- Hey, Tim.

Your long-lost Uncle Max.

Remember me? Famous magician.

I got all those television
car commercials.

I sent you that autographed headshot
for your birthday last year.

You remember that? Or was it...
Maybe it was two years ago.

Uh...

I guess we share
the same DNA, you know?

So I'm gonna be the one
that has to take care of you.

Not really qualified to be
a parent.

Or a human being,
for that matter.

I mean, I'm still trying to
figure out my own life.

You know, what do I want?
Who am I?

Working in a soul-sucking
dead-end job?

I mean, I'm paycheck
to paycheck.

Just scraping by.
No insurance.

Oh, and my girlfriend just
broke up with me,

after two and a half weeks.
You believe that?

Said she'd rather date a clown.

Hurts. It hurts, you know?

Anyway, I feel a little
better now.

Thanks for listening.
You feel better too?

I've seen your magic on TV.

Why can't you
bring back my parents?

I'm sorry.

There's only one guy
who knows that trick.

You can forget about me living
with you.

Tim. Oh... This is...
This is gonna really be great.

Oh, honey.

You say that I can't live in
my house

because you have sell it to
the bank or whatever.

So why can't I live with you?

Oh, honey, your grandpa Lyle and I
would love to have you live with us.

But he's not well now.

Tim, Grandpa is going
to start on some medicine

that's gonna make
him really sick.

- They can't do it.
- [TIM SOBBING]

- Oh, I love you.
- I miss them.

Now? Really?

- This is not gonna work.
- Leave it to your mommy.

She could talk the devil
into buying a Bible. [COUGHS]

Maybe you ought to give up this
cheap vaudeville stuff, huh?

Get a real job, like your brother.
He had responsibility.

Something you don't know
anything about.

Oh...

Hubba hubba.

Too soon?

All right.

What do you think?

I hate it.

I hate wearing
that stupid thing.

Nope. No. No.

Look, let's just give this
a try, all right?

Let me show you your room.

Maybe you'll like it.
I doubt it, but maybe.

Yep. Go down the hall.

Nope. Left.

Huh? What do you think?

I mean, I know
it's a little plain but,

that could work out
to your advantage, right?

You can pick your
own curtains,

pick your own bedspread.

Put posters up.

I used to have one
right over my bed. Every night...

We'll keep 'em PG-13, though.
Okay?

All right. I'm gonna
leave you to it.

Lights out at 10:00. Don't try to
climb out the bedroom window, okay?

My neighbor Vinnie has
a Rottweiler out there,

and he roams the streets.

This is so hard.

You lost your dad.
I lost my brother.

And now we're
just sort of stuck together.

I gotta be honest.
I don't know what to do.

What would your dad do
in a situation like this?

He'd give me a hug and say
everything would be all right.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Let's do that. Come here.

Bring it in.
There you go, Timmy.

Just let those tears fly.
Everything's gonna be...

Okay. Good night.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

Tim, I got some break...

[EXHALES]
Teach that kid a learnin'.

Figure out there's one
boss in this house.

We'll see when Max attacks, man.

Well played.

I don't care.

You don't get it in the first 50 takes
this time, I'm dubbing your voice.

Did you know you had a gift
for encouragement?

- How's your, um...
- Nephew?

He's fine. Come on,
you've seen me with the kids.

- They love me.
- Right.

Isn't it illegal to leave a 10-year-old
kid alone by himself all day?

I tied him to a chair until my next
door neighbor could come watch him.

- How are the hemorrhoids?
- DIRECTOR: Quiet on the set.

Are we ready?

Roll it.

Here at Magic Motors,
we make high prices disappear.

DIRECTOR: Cut. Cut.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

Tim, I got you a burger, man.
Come get it.

Dinner of champions, buddy.

Uh-oh, how'd that happen?

I guess we'll just have
to eat together, huh?

MAX: Or not. Oh, cool.

That kid is smart.

♪ Darling, you send me

♪ I know you send me

♪ Darling, you send me

♪ Honest you do, honest
Honest you do

♪ Whoa
Whenever I'm with you... ♪

You see anything you like?

Some of these cars
are antiques.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that's a kinder way
of putting it.

I'd like to buy
something from this century.

Well, you know, they knock off
10 bucks for every dent you find.

- [THUDS]
- Oops. [SHUSHING]

Do all of the salesmen
wear magician outfits?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a salesman.

I'm actually the
headliner here.

Yeah, you know, the guy who does all
the charming television commercials,

who everyone comes to see.

But I'm really just biding my time
for the love of the kids. I love kids,

and, uh, yeah,
cracking the code.

Oh, and what code is that?

The ultimate magic trick code.

Think about it. Did anyone know David Copperfield
before he made the Statue of Liberty disappear?

Before he levitated over the
Grand Canyon?

Yeah, I think he was
pretty famous before that.

Exactly. You know, I...

I've been thinking
about a new trick.

I could use a new,
lovely assistant.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, that sounds like a line.

Did it work?

I have a job, but
thanks for the offer.

DIRECTOR: We're ready for you,
Max.

Oh, oh, oh.
They need me... the talent.

Probably another close up.
Very little makeup, by the way.

Anyway, you keep...
You keep trucking.

Yeah, thank you.

That's Frank "the Tank"
from Old School.

- Yeah, ciao.
- Bye.

[HUMMING]

See, you don't have
to do my dishes.

- It's my pleasure, Max.
- Thank you.

- How's Tim?
- Oh, he's fine.

Mmm. He's a nice young man.

- Yeah.
- Very quiet. But,

then that's to be expected,
considering.

Yeah, considering he was downgraded
to "Little Orphan" Timmy.

I remember him as a loud voice
with a body.

Now he's like
a closed clam in concrete.

Give him time.
He's grieving, Max.

Well, bills.

I found out that his dad left me
$33,000 in his will,

and he left the kids
some money in a trust.

So it's not all bad news.
This is. Bill.

- That was generous.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I figure it...
It buys a little happiness.

Max, you can't buy happiness.
Don't you know that?

- Yeah, I got the bad credit.
- [CHUCKLES]

Maybe I can lease it, right?

What is this?

Nice try, kid. You forget that
I'm a magician?

I can spot a fake spider
miles away.

Oh, fishing line.
That's pretty good.

[SCREAMING]

No.

[PANICKING]

Get off me. Get off me.
Spiders, spiders, spiders.

[SCREAMS]

- What's for breakfast?
- [COUGHS]

Cookies.

Cookies.

Lame trick.

Cookies are not
a nutritious meal.

Yeah, they are.
They really, really are.

You crumble them up. You put 'em in a bowl.
You put a little milk in it.

All right, we don't have milk.
Look at the bowl.

I mean, that's what cereal is.

It's... It's... cookies.

What 10-year-old doesn't like
cookies for breakfast?

One that wants to see 11.

Mrs. C is gonna be here soon,
try not to kill her.

Can we get a dog?

It's supposed to
help with grief.

Nice try. I'm still trying to
get the whole kid thing down.

I mean, I gotta figure out.
Do you eat too much?

- If you need shots.
- If I'm potty trained?

- Are you?
- Yes. I know

how to pee in a toilet.

Look, can we just try to
get through this week?

Then we can talk about adoption.
All right?

Pet or person?

Because I have no interest
in a sibling.

- Especially a sister...
- Tim.

- How tall are you?
- Why?

What do you think about a magician
that can cut a kid in half.

An illusion.

Yeah, sure. An illusion. Okay.

I think it's been done.

You're right.

Why don't you get
a good cavity started, huh?

Try not to break anything.

I'll be home after work.

MAN: And here are the keys
to your new car.

- Thank you.
- Now, when it breaks down...

If it breaks down,
be sure to call us.

- Will do.
- Enjoy.

Oh, hello. Oh, you
bought one of our cars.

Got a decent deal.

Really?

Well, you will be happy to know
that part of our policy here

at Magic Motors is for
the charming magician...

to provide lunch to all
of our new buyers.

Except I don't do it
for everyone.

[LAUGHS]

- Uh, well, thanks anyway.
- Oh, oh, oh.

I think I see
what's happening here.

I think the life of a magician must
seem unattainable to the lay person.

Glamorous, uh, well,
magical.

But I assure you,
underneath this cape,

I'm really just
a regular guy.

- I'm sure you are.
- Yup.

And I am really only in the
market for a car right now.

I mean, do I have plenty
of other interests?

Sure. Many goals and, well,
long-range plans.

Like what?

Like I said, there are so many.
How could I name just one.

[MAX CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Surviving my nephew. Excuse me.

- World peace.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Me, too.

Well, congratulations on your new
car and I will see you for lunch.

Impressive. I think the depth of
your character blew her mind.

Shouldn't you be working?

- I'm reading the paper.
- Really?

When did you become
interested in world events?

I'm not. I'm just checking the
obits, hoping to find your name,

World peace?

I couldn't think of a single
thing that I'm passionate about.

Oh, come on.

Have you ever seen anyone
choked to death?

Like really choked to death,
even in the movies?

Because that's what it was like.

MIKE: So how's Tim?

MAX: Makes Godzilla look
like a gecko.

That bad?

I think he's trying to
force my hand.

I mean, he doesn't wanna
live with me. Who does?

MIKE: He probably
just feels alone.

MAX: Amelia Earhart was alone.
Charles Lindbergh was alone.

Those people that got stuck at the
top of Mount Olympus, they were alone.

- It's Everest.
- Exactly.

MAX: I'm getting hit in the face
by this parenthood like a brick.

And I'm picking adolescent
shrapnel out of my body.

Look, I'm gonna give him the
get-to-hate-me grace period,

like I give everyone else
and, uh...

I don't know,
throw some chores at him.

What's chores?

The ones I don't wanna do.

♪ No, never, never, never
Let them go

♪ Never, never, never
Let them go

♪ Oh, let them go... ♪

- Hi.
- First time here?

Yeah, I just moved in
across the street.

- Welcome to the town.
- Thank you.

What can I get you?

Um, can I get two scoops of
chocolate please?

You got it.

Is chocolate your favorite?

Yeah. I like the
original flavors.

I was gonna get vanilla
but I decided chocolate, so.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- [GROANS]
- GIRL: Oh, are you okay?

- Here.
- Thanks.

Can I buy
you another one?

No, I think one of the scoops
got down my throat.

I'm Brandi. You live at those
places near my house, right?

Yeah. Tim.
I'd shake your hand,

but you'd probably get
sticky handlebars.

Thanks. I've got to go.

But maybe I'll see you around.

- Okay, cool.
- Bye.

- MAX: Hello.
- What?

I want to call a truce.
Okay, I surrender. Whatever it takes.

You clearly have a future in espionage.
[CHUCKLES]

You know, Tim, when I thought
about having a kid,

I thought it would be a
baby crib and nursery rhymes,

and I got an adult.

I want you to have that.

That's my very first magic hat.

Be careful with that.
Actually lost my virginity...

Tim, when a man
loves another...

Okay, I know what
virginity is.

- You do. Good.
- Sure, okay.

Okay.

- You like being a magician?
- I love it.

You know I like
the best, though.

The idea that I could maybe make
somebody's day

a little less miserable
than mine.

Not too difficult to do it,
I might add.

I could teach you some
if you want.

What are you going to
teach me first?

How to put a snake
in a cookie jar?

You know, Tim,
magic's a mindset.

You start small
and you build it up,

and then you're catching bullets
with your teeth.

I'll teach you
everything I know.

Except...

my big signature trick.

Why not that one?

Tim, it's dangerous,

even death-defying.

Plus, if I told you,

I would have to kill you.

Not if I killed you first.

You can't
'cause I'd disappear. Poof!

My dad used to teach me stuff.

I wish he was here.

I do, too. I miss him.

Anyway, tomorrow,

we get magical.

Give me it up high.
Down low.

Too slow.

Ooh, I'm out.
I'm safe though, right?

- Sure.
- You sure?

Yeah. You're good.

- I hope so.
- Watch out for the spiders!

- Oh!
- Nah, I'm kidding.

[SNIFFS]

[SHOUTING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Cups.

Put the ball in...

[BLOWS]

- Woah!
- Voila!

[TALKING GIBBERISH]

- [SCREAMS]
- I did it!

[SCREAMING]

Cool.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SPITS]

Hey!

Getting some ice cream?

Not today.

Sunflower seeds are safer.

Probably not as sticky either.

- Want some?
- Sure.

- [MUNCHING]
- Clifford?

Yeah.

Ew.

So where do you live?

Right down the street.

[SPITTING]

I'm staying with my uncle.

Parents on vacation?

No,

they died.

My daddy died in the war.

- [LAUGHS]
- Ew.

You're not supposed
to eat the shell.

Why?

So you have to crack the shell,

and then you spit out the shell,

and then you eat
the stuff inside.

That's gross.

No, try it.

Okay, here goes.

It takes some practice.

Got a whole bag. Keep trying.

My mom would love
seeing me do this.

You wanna see a magic trick?

Sure.

- Red and blue, right?
- Uh-huh.

Now, it's yellow and green.

Whoa.

- Wanna try?
- Sure.

Nope.

A magician
never reveals his secrets.

[CHUCKLES]

This is so cute.

I'd like to buy it.
How much is it?

$5.

LADY: I think this is five.

JENNIFER: One, two,
three, it's five.

Well, thank you so much.

You're welcome. Enjoy Bonita.

Thank you. I will.

MAX: Hello.

Hello.

- Just that.
- You look familiar.

Wait a minute. You do, too.

You bought one of our
freshly-impounded used cars.

Jen-ni-fer.

Oh, that's such a...
That's a beautiful name.

And you're that, uh,

Merlin, the magician guy.

Max "the Magical."

At your service, my lady.
It's catchy, isn't it?

Merlin is the guy
with the beard.

Old guy, not like me.

And he helps the kid
with the sword.

It's a good movie.

So where is your magic outfit?

It's at the cleaners.

It's tough getting all
that fairy dust off, you know.

Plus, a little baby
throw-up, too.

Listen, I know this timing
is maybe a little weird...

$49.95.

You know what?
I actually have this.

That's embarrassing.

Um, I will just get
this beautiful little heart.

$10. Cash or credit?

I love the way you say that.

"Cash or credit."

Cash, 'cause I have
plenty of cash.

Cash has not been
a problem for me,

if you know what I mean.

Do you wanna buy Park Place
or Boardwalk?

Remnants from a series
of pranks with my nephew.

We called a truce.

Actually, I surrendered.

Um, it's a long story.

We all have stories, don't we?

$10 for the heart.

Ten and one.

That's for you.

Here's your heart.

Thank you.

I'll go.

- Bye...
- [METAL CLANKING]

[MAX SIGHING HEAVILY]

That's four times
through the line in a half hour.

I know. I love it.

I think it's my new hobby.

Your quest
will be fruitless, you know.

Mmm.

I believe in Cinderella stories.

I believe in tragedies.

- [MAX CHUCKLES]
- Hmm.

- That's really funny.
- [LAUGHS]

$3.50.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

I know how stores
always need change.

It's funny
they never have change.

[COINS JINGLING]

So that's why
I'm paying in change,

not because I don't have
money or anything like that.

But I brought you some...
Some quarters.

Quarters are important.

One, two...

Three... Let me take you
away from this.

You know what?
That's good enough.

Just take the bird.

Thank you, from me, too.

You should see me in my cape.

I did.

[CRASHING]

[SIGHS]

[SQUEALS]

- Oh, sorry.
- You scared the hell out of me.

I'm sorry. Sorry.
I hurt my whole leg.

Oh, hi. How are you?

- Funny meeting you here.
- [SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Okay, look,
you seem like a nice guy.

Thanks. I am. I'm really nice.

Okay. I just got into town.
I've got responsibilities.

Meeting a man at this point
is not a priority.

Oh, well, how far down the list
do you think it is?

It's about where your shoes are.

- So you're saying there's a chance?
- Okay, I'm just keeping it real.

- That's from Dumb and Dumber.
- I know.

You do?
See, we have this in common.

Um, okay. You know what?
You know what?

Catch me
on one of my TV commercials.

Aren't your TV commercials
late at night?

Yeah.

Technically,
the next morning. So?

You hurt my feelings.

I will look for it.

I'm gonna send you
a secret signal,

Monopoly money.
I'm gonna wave it out.

I'm just gonna walk around you.

- This is our thing anyway right?
- Yep.

Oh, that was... That was magic.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Max. Did Tim tell you
about his new friend?

No. Big deal, Mrs. C.

It's a girl.

[TIM SIGHS]

Facts of life
are in play already, huh?

All right, come on. Let's go.

Little man talk, Mrs. C.
Let's go.

MRS. CHAMBERS: Okay. I got it.

This is gonna be awkward. Okay?

Hit me.

- What's your secret?
- Secret?

With the babes, man.

You're getting everywhere.
I'm getting nowhere.

There is no secret.

I just let it happen naturally.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, I see
what's happening here.

You want to see old Uncle Max
burn up on reentry.

You know what?

I'll tell you my secret

if you tell me your big trick.

A magician never reveals
his tricks.

Okay, good luck with the babes.

MRS. CHAMBERS: Hmm. Good talk?

He still has a lot to learn.

LYLE: I've sent a few items
gathered from your past.

I knew I never gave you

all the father-son talks
you deserve.

I was never a hug
and kissy type of father.

You had many more coming
than I ever gave you.

You never let me down.
You always tried your hardest.

And when we argued,
you were mostly right.

But I couldn't bend
in my thinking.

Life is so short, as they say,

so make your years with Tim
heartfelt and full of joy.

Always here for you. Love, Dad.

TIM: What's that?

My, uh, my dad sent this.

It's all stuff
from when I was a kid.

Broke my nose trying to catch
my first grounder.

Nice catch. Oh...

Here.

Your first hand-me-down.

Be careful with that thing.
You could poke an eye out.

Or mine.

Maybe I should use it
on this boy named Clifford.

He's got it out for me.

I noticed the scratches
once in a while.

Clifford? Huh?

- Cliff-ford?
- Mmm-hmm.

[MIMICKING CHOKING] Clifford.

I'd be a bully
if my name was Cli-fford.

So what's his racket?

- Takes lunch money, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

That and he makes people
pay for protection...

from himself.

- [CHUCKLES]
- He calls it life insurance.

Word is, he has 500 bucks
in his backpack.

- What?
- I say it's like closer to 150.

Not too sure
what I'm supposed to say here.

I think I should say,

"Don't ever take that slingshot
to school for any reason."

[TIM SIGHS]

- Hmm?
- Okay.

You gotta settle it
with your fists. Capisce?

- Really?
- You give him a one-way ticket

to knuckle airlines,
uppercut. Uppercut.

- Seriously?
- Let me see what you got.

Yeah, that's it. You kick butt.

- Name names.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That hurts, okay.

You walk away.

You know,
bullies are just bullies

because they're scared.

They don't want anyone to know
so they put on this big act.

You stand up to him,
you got no problems.

I never thought about it
that way.

Well, this time, you should.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

I can't hit a thing.

- Can I try?
- Sure.

Hey.

- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

How did you do that?

Just did it.

So, have you cried yet?

No.

I cry every day.

Especially at night.

Leaving already?

I hear my mom cry at night.

Crying is good.

I wish I could talk
to my mom and dad.

You can.

Visit them at their grave site.

It helped me.

I gotta go. See you around.

See you later.

- [GLASS BREAKING]
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]

So, yeah, I just waited for her
outside her store,

you know, suave and stuff.

So you... You're stalking her.

Stalking,

staking, staking out.

[CHUCKLES] So?

The Berlin Wall went up again.

So, break it down again.

It might take
another hundred years.

Definitely would be worth it,
though.

[FUNNY RINGTONE]

Yeah. Hi, Mrs. C.

What?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Unbelievable.

Yeah. No. Lock him in the closet
with no food or water.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

What happened?

Timmy, the kid,

broke a car window
with a slingshot.

Who gave him that?

Someone who should
definitely not

have responsibility
over young children.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[ENGINE SPLUTTERING]

Whoa! [GRUNTS]

- Max.
- Hi.

- Tim left.
- What?

- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Vinnie, open up!

I didn't call the cops.

Vinnie, I don't have time
for your games.

My nephew, Tim, took off.
Which way did he go?

[BLOWS]

You're really high up.

Sorry about the window.

It's all right.
The wind made it curve.

Are you gonna punish me?

Nah.

That is nah,

as long as you tell me
your secret.

All right, I'll go first.

My secret is...

I don't have
a big signature trick.

I never have.

That's why I work
a nowhere job for peanuts.

I lack inspiration.

I like your magic tricks.

Yeah, well, thanks.
'Cause you're a rare breed.

All right, that's my secret.
You're up.

My secret?

Yeah, come on.
I just spilled my guts out.

The secret is to be yourself.

That's what I do.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on. This is serious.

Listen, I met
this total babe, and...

I mean lady.

And every time I get around her,

I say stupid things,
I do stupid things,

I get real nervous.

For the first time...

ever.

I need help, man!

Come on, spill it.

Like, how did your dad
get your mom?

How am I supposed to know?
I wasn't even born.

Yeah. Good point.

Well, just take a guess.

She always liked compliments.

Ah, yeah.

Jennifer, you're so hot.

No more specific.

Like...

Your hair smells delicious.

Or... I like your boobies.

No, come on.

Like, your eyes are beautiful.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Eyes are good.

She also liked thoughtful gifts.

Oh, yeah.
I could get her like a...

a gift certificate
to the movies.

Come on. More thoughtful.

Like, if it's the first thing
that comes to mind...

Yeah. Then it's not
that thoughtful.

No.

Good talk. Good talk.

I'm falling.

[MAX GROANS]

I, Max

"the Magical,"

shall levitate that cup
into that can.

- Do you believe I can do it?
- No.

You wanna put your money
where your 10-year-old mouth is?

- Quarter says I can.
- Bet you a dollar you can't.

Dollar's pretty steep.
Okay, you better pay up.

Please, I need complete silence.

I am conjuring
my personal force.

Yes!

- You see it? It moved.
- No.

- That was the wind.
- Wind-schmind. That was me.

That was Max "the Magical."
Watch.

Watch and learn.

Can I pay you next week?

No, no. The reason is
I gotta call my accountant,

move some things around, offshore
accountants. It's for tax purposes.

Yeah, right.

Did you make mistakes
when you were a kid?

[LAUGHS] Tons.

I did so much stupid stuff,
my dad was so fed up with me.

Wait.

I think I just...

Yeah, I just got an idea
for a new trick.

- The big one?
- Could be.

Could be.
But I'll tell you what.

It's gonna take
a little humility

and a lot of embarrassment.

So, do it.

Not for me, for you.

- I look ridiculous.
- MAX: You do not.

You look great. You said
you wanted to be my assistant.

Man, I hope no one sees me.

Everybody's gonna see you.
And we're gonna see...

Yeah, hold on. Just don't move.

- MAN: Pull the thing. Pull...
- Give me that.

How many times have I told you?
Don't play with my magic stuff.

- His fault.
- I'm sorry.

Now, if you want me to show you
how to do it, I will.

But not now, because I'm mad.

Oh, but listen, I was thinking
about this other trick

when I levitate,
and then I come back down

and then... [EXCLAIMS]

You don't know how to levitate.

I know how to levitate.

[BOYS GROANING]

Hold this.

Hey! Get off! Get off him!

Stand right there!

What the heck is going on?

I leave you alone
for two seconds

and you get into a fight?

Self-defense.
Clifford started it.

- He had it coming.
- Hey.

You beat it before I make you
pay for the hat.

Whatever.
I'll teach you later, Tim.

Listen, you're not... [WHIMPERS]

- I'm not doing this anymore.
- No. Hold on.

Hold on, the outfit.
Don't do that.

The outfit's paid for, buddy.

- What about the big reveal?
- Do it yourself.

Tim.

We were gonna be...

Go to Mrs. C's, Tim.

[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ We've lost the time

♪ The past is gonna break in
There's nothing We can say or do

♪ It's like I'm living a lie

♪ The road has gone astray

♪ But I know I'll find
A way back home

♪ Oh no

♪ If I was missing
From the frame

♪ Would you notice?
And where did you go?

♪ The switches ain't the same
With you gone

♪ But there's no tears

♪ Your love
There's magic in your eyes

♪ It's tragic... ♪

[SONG CONTINUES
PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

TIM: Mom, Dad,

I know you're in heaven
and I'm gonna have to wait,

but I think I know
what you told me.

This is my life now.

I should make
the best of it, huh?

I miss them.

I miss them, too.

I'm a failure, Jim.

I'm warping this kid's
young, fragile mind.

- [FUNNY RINGTONE]
- Oh, phones!

Hi, Mrs. C.

Yeah, I know.

Sidekick thing
was a bad idea. I...

Tim just got home?

What do you mean he just...

It's 10:00.
Where the hell was he?

Brandi?

He was with Brandi. [CHUCKLES]

That little player.

Her mom's there.

She's mad.

Extremely mad.

Not at me, though, right?

No, no, no.

Okay, I'll be right there.

MAX: Sorry I'm late. Mrs. C.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

You two know each other?

- Yeah, we met.
- Briefly.

I think I hear laundry
calling my name.

Why don't you two go watch TV
for a few minutes?

- I wanna go with them.
- You, stay.

I was worried sick.

Two 10-year-old's
have no business

roaming the streets
at night. We have rules.

You're darn right we do.

Now what are we gonna do
about her?

Oh, she's in trouble, too.

Ever since Brandi's been hanging
around with your nephew,

I am slipping on sunflower
shells all over the house.

Oh, no.

They're kids,
they bond in different ways.

Mrs. Chambers told me
about your brother.

I am sorry.

It's not easy. We can relate.

And, Tim,
he seems like a great kid.

But keep him away
from your daughter.

No, I don't want that.

It's not fair of me
to take that away.

But I cannot be at work
wondering if Brandi is safe.

Mrs. C could watch them.

And then you could swing by
to pick them up.

I'm thinking six-ish.

So you guarantee her safety?

[MIMICKING GODFATHER STYLE]

Mmm. I'm gonna
have to ask you for a favor.

Godfather.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what I'm doing.

This is new to me, you know?

Yeah, I'm guessing it's not easy
being an instant parent.

Parenthood was microwaved

and then thrown into my life
like a frozen TV dinner.

But I don't have the directions,

so I don't know
which part to put the slit in

or which part to peel back.

And so I end up with
overdone peach cobbler

and frozen chimichangas.

It is not easy.
I will give you that.

Well, thank you.

B, we gotta go, missy.

BRANDI: One second, Mom.

So how does one globally warm
your attitude towards them?

You could keep my kid safe,
for starters.

- I can do that.
- Good.

Good.

You know, actually, um...

- there is one thing.
- Yes.

No, I just never gave up hope.

What?

Um, it's Brandi's 11th birthday
on Friday.

Maybe it would be cool
if you and Tim

could swing by around dinner
and surprise her.

Surp... [WHISPERS] Surprise.

- We'll come.
- Good.

- Good.
- I'll have cake and food.

Cake is good.

She doesn't know anyone,
so it is kind of a big deal.

You don't have to get her anything.
Just yourselves is enough.

No, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna get her something.

I mean,
not too extravagant, but...

And then maybe
a little magic on the side.

- You see what I did there?
- Yes.

- It's innuendo.
- It's great.

- Thank you.
- So Tim knows where we live.

It's just
down the street, 1167.

1167, 1167.

- Okay, then. See you later.
- 1167, 1167.

1167. Not you.

[TIM SIGHS]

Max, this is Chubby the Clown.

Chubby is gonna be helping us
out here.

He'll be getting the laughs
and you do the magic.

[CHUBBY LAUGHING]

No way, Grismer.

This is my turf.

I've worked this gig
hard for years.

I'm the headliner here, Grismer.

We need some new blood.

So you brought a clown?

People love clowns.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

If I had a dollar for every time
you threatened to switch to...

If I had a dollar
for every dollar I've lost

because of your bad attitude
and stale tricks,

I wouldn't need a clown.

Don't even try it.
I make compliments rain.

Yeah, that's all pity.

Pity, nothing.

If it weren't for me being
so damn charming

with my damn charming
television commercials,

you wouldn't sell a thing.

Well, we'll just
have to see about that.

I'm thinking of a new act.

It's not your act, Max,
it's you.

You're fired.

I quit!

Oh!

Whoo! It's raining,
it's raining!

You're not only a bad magician,
you're a bad person.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah!

You think I'm a bad person, huh?

You, think
I'm a bad person, huh? Huh?

I'm a great person. Yeah.

I'm a...

I'm America's sweetheart.

I'm a national
frigging treasure.

I'm the Julia Roberts

of used car sales, baby.
Rain it down.

I'm a good person.

There goes
employee of the month.

MAX: Go rob
another makeup store.

Clean up on aisle three.

Think he forgot his meds.

MAX: Not a lot of positions
for an out-of-work magician.

- Birthday parties?
- No.

Know what those little monsters

do to magicians
at those parties?

It's not pretty.

Birthday party.

What's today?

Uh, Friday.

Friday!

I suck.

Put it on my tab.

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

I'm sorry.
Brandi, I'm sorry...

Look, I don't have the energy.

Do you care about anyone
but yourself?

I'm done.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Can I come in?

All right. Um...

I'm sorry.

I know I let you down.

I let everyone down.

You know, I had a bad day.

Yeah, that's just an excuse,
isn't it?

I'm a work in progress, Tim.

I'm really trying,
but I'm gonna make mistakes.

But I'll keep trying.
I promise you that.

Wonder what your parents
would be thinking of me now?

I'm not much of a father.

I wasn't much
of an uncle either, was I?

I just hope you can forgive me.

Do you think you can?

I mean,
you don't have to answer that.

All right.

I know she liked it

when my dad went out of his way.

Like one time,
he gave up his night at the gym

to go take a swing dance class
with my mom.

He said that earned him
all sorts of points.

[CHUCKLES]

Dad noticed the little things.

What little things?
What do you mean?

Well, "You changed your hair.

"You've been working out.

"New outfit."

Got to make sacrifices.

Sacrifices.

I don't know
what I'd sacrifice, Tim.

[SIGHING SADLY]

Well, maybe instead of focusing
on this big trick

that you think
will make you rich and famous

and attractive to women,

you should put in the work
like my dad did with my mom.

MRS. CHAMBERS: Can I help?

You've cooked enough for me.
It's my turn.

Wow. This is
a pleasant surprise, Max.

Well, I wouldn't say that
just yet.

- I hope you like scrambled.
- Yes.

- Shells or no shells?
- Without shells, Max.

But I'm not picky.

- Mrs. C?
- Yes.

Um...

if you could have one thing,

just one wish, what would it be?

I don't know.

Maybe a planter on my porch
with some flowers in it.

MRS. CHAMBERS: Ooh.
How's it going, Max?

What do you think?

- Oh, my goodness.
- Pretty good, huh?

Uh! Max, Max, Max.

Mmm.

- You know what, Mrs. C.
- What?

I think I have to beg
for my job back.

I have to do it for Tim.

I mean,
I got to take care of him.

So swallow your pride
and just do it.

[SIGHS] Yeah.
I'll tell you what, though.

If he starts yammering on

about magic running its course,
and clowns running its course,

"I'm gonna have
a petting zoo,"

I don't know
if I can keep a straight face,

much less not hit him.

You can do it, Max.

[SIGHS]

- Mrs. C.
- Mmm-hmm?

How do I know
if I become a selfless person?

When it comes
to you naturally

and you don't have
to think about it.

Until then?

Until then, you just do
what you're doing now.

You got a big heart, Max,

that you don't want
people to see.

Shh. There are neighbors.

You're a good person, Max.

Little unorthodox
with your parenting,

but you care.
I can see it.

- And you know what?
- What?

Tim can see it, too.

- You know what, Mrs. C?
- What?

You always
make me feel great.

I love you.

Mr. C was a lucky man.

Mmm.

I love you, too, Max.

Keep working on it, baby.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna build
you a whole bunch of these.

MRS. CHAMBERS: Oh. Help me.

- Oh, hi.
- JENNIFER: Hi.

BRANDI: Hi.

Hey, baby.

Max is right back there.

Hello.

Hi.

I don't wanna punish them
for something someone else did.

I was hoping you'd say that.

There's nothing I can say,

but there is something
I can do.

Yeah? What is that?

Be a man.

I started last night though.

You can probably tell already,
I shouldn't have said that.

What is that?

A planter box,
I built it for Mrs. C.

Pretty nice, huh?

Oh, I didn't realize
you were handy.

Yeah.

You must have
a green thumb.

Well, I didn't make
the plants.

I bought 'em.

It's the thought
that counts.

Right?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You're here for play date with Tim?
- Mmm-hmm.

Around back.

Can I go, Mommy?

Of course, sweetheart.

Ahoy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ahoy.

And if Mommy
wants a play date...

That's stupid.

It was good to see you.

- Susan.
- Oh.

You look lovely.

[WHISPERING]
That's a letter for Mike.

It's from
an anonymous source.

And I want you
to deliver it.

Why? Why don't you
do it yourself?

Because I want you to.

Isn't that your job,
to deliver correspondents to everybody?

Kiss my butt.
But I'll do it.

And then you need
to ask Mike out.

Why?

Because... he likes you.

And if you wait for him to ask you
out, you'll both be old and gray

before he musters
the courage.

Okay? So.

Got it.

Thanks for the tip, Max.

I take back some of the things
I said about you.

- Like one or two things.
- Okay.

I said
a lot of bad things.

- I'll take that.
- Okay.

SUSAN:
Mike! Mike!

What? What's this?

It's a letter from
an anonymous source.

Anonymous? For me?

- Open it now.
- Yeah.

"Dear Mike,
if anyone deserves

"to launch his own repair shop,
it's you.

"Here's a cashier's check for...

"for $20,000
to get you started.

"A friend." Are you serious?
Are you kidding me?

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm...

Oh, my gosh!

- I'm so happy for you!
- Oh, my gosh!

Yes! Yes, I'll go to dinner
with you tonight to celebrate!

- Really?
- Yes.

I apologize
for barging in,

but I... I really do
need your advice.

When I first met Max,

he didn't seem content,

and he seemed
a little self-absorbed.

In all honesty, I did not think
that he was father material.

But I gotta say, it seems like
the proof is in the pudding,

and I may have misjudged him.

Max is like
a starched un-pressed shirt

that needs
a little iron on it.

Got it.

He's a work in progress,

but he has a good heart.
Always has.

Now, he may become
the best dad in the world,

but then again,
he could drive you crazy.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- You got the stuff?
- What stuff?

The seeds, man,
the seeds!

- Oh, right.
- [SIGHS]

Come on.

Thank you.

You ever think that your
mom could be into my uncle?

Ew, if they ever got married
and you got adopted,

that would make us
brother and sister.

Good point.

At first, I would've said
no possible way,

but I have
this weird feeling.

Like what?

Like he might be
growing on her.

- Yikes.
- I know.

We have to find
a way to stop this

before we become
brother and sister.

But how?

I don't know.

[LAUGHS] Stop.

[SIGHING] Mike.

Hey. Thank you.

- For what?
- Susan decided to go out with me.

That's great.

Why're you thanking me?

Because I think
she said yes

because you made me
look good by comparison.

[MOCKING LAUGH]

Mike, I got problems, man.

Tomorrow is "bring your parent
to school" day.

- Nice.
- Not nice.

What if I blow it,
you know, the kid?

Plus, there's a fundraiser
after school,

and for some reason,
I volunteered to be the headliner.

Wow, that's...
That's high-pressure.

You're not kidding, man.

We're talking
about first-graders.

Brutal.

Hi, class.

Well, I should first
start by explaining

that I am not Tim's dad.

Or his mom.

Tim's parents
couldn't be here today

because they are in heaven.

Let's all take a moment
of silence for Tim.

Okay, great.

I am actually Tim's uncle

and I am a magician.

Who knows
what a magician is?

Yeah.
We're not in kindergarten.

Right.

Hold your questions
till the end. Thank you.

Now I'm sure you've all seen me
in my television commercials.

Well, the parents have...

Okay, well,
why don't I get started

with a good easy trick?

And I think that
Mr. Helpful over here

is gonna be
my lovely assistant,

for I do believe

that you have something
behind your ear.

Where did that come from?

Isn't that egg-cellent?

Now, I'm going to levitate
this egg over your head,

and what you have to do
is say the magic word.

The magic word
is "scrambled."

Scrambled.

Are you ready?

Scrambled.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

I'm so sorry.

Here you go.

Wipe yourself off,
young man.

Uh-oh, that was
the wrong rag.

Whoops.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Now, does anybody
have $20, please?

Do the parents have $20?

How about $10?

Can I get
a ten-spot, please?

Wow, thank you.
You're very brave.

Now, I am going to rip

this $10 bill four times.

Oh, no, wait.

This was supposed
to be a rope.

Does anybody
have a rope?

How about a string?

Oh. Well,

I am feeling very bad
about your money, sir.

Would you please check
your inside pocket?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, where could it be?

Perhaps it's
in this levitating bag!

Whose backpack is that?

That's real money, kids.
Get it!

Where did all this money
come from?

It's raining! It's raining!

You better get that.
That's real money.

Let's go! Let's go!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

And Max is so rad,
he made this backpack

levitate in the air

and then a bunch of money
came raining down.

Where did all
the money come from?

A magician never reveals
his secrets.

But I swear, he was
like Robin Hood.

Taking from the rich
and giving it to the poor.

It was so cool.

Oh, right.

And, um, he gives me cookies
for breakfast.

By the way,
it's super bad for your teeth.

Ix-nay on the ool-kay.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I heard you were a hit
at Parent Day.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

First let me say, whoa.

And second...
Hey, Tim.

Thanks for the good props,
wingman.

Is there something going on
with you?

Why do you ask?

I don't know.
I, uh, I noticed a change.

I'm blossoming.

[LAUGHS]

It might just be
my imagination.

No, I'm blossoming.

Well, it shows.

He has been good for me.

He makes me
see things differently.

He lights up
when he talks about you.

Yeah?

You know who else
he lights up for?

I was thinkin'
Friday after school,

if you're not busy,
we come back here,

we'll have a nice picnic,
all the the four of us.

We'll do it here, too, because
this is gonna be our spot.

I don't know.
Um, we got a lot going on.

Right after school?

Well, yes,
I mean, we have...

We're going
into the weekend,

and Brandi has this thing...

I'm not talking about anything different
than what we're doing right now.

Except with food
in a basket.

I know.
I will think about it.

Good. And when you
decide yes,

come meet us back here

and maybe
we'll be here, too.

And if you can't make it,
don't worry.

We probably
couldn't either.

I like spending time
with you.

And making sure
you eat.

We'll see.

Thank you
for the invitation.

You're welcome.
See you Friday.

Okay.

Tim!

Report back to base
at 6:00 p.m., soldier!

That's military talk.

Bye.

We have to stop this picnic/romantic
interlude at all cost.

But how?

I have an idea.

Well, we might be doing something
else right after school.

Mike...

business is dead.

No customers means
there's no sales,

no sales means
there's no broke cars...

and no broke cars means
there's nothing for you to fix.

So, it's over.

Well, I'll be fine, boss.
I'm more worried about you.

You know Chubby
is no Max.

He's got these freaky balloon
animals, they're scaring all the kids.

Do you know
any good magicians?

- Only one.
- How's that for timing?

No, no, no.

Don't poop your pants.

I came to apologize.

So, how's business?

Business is business.

You know how it is
this time of the year,

you gotta mix things up
and get a gimmick...

Magic has a shelf life.

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Clowns are fun
for a while.

Hey!

Maybe next week,
we'll have a petting zoo.

Maybe I might be able
to save your bacon.

- You wanna hear my plan?
- Yeah.

Hear me out.
Flubby.

It's Chubby.

How many clowns
do you know?

I know a few, why?

We're gonna need more
than a few.

Or at least their costumes.

- You're ready?
- Yeah.

I was so hoping
you would say that.

See you.

Well, I just had a nice chat
with your principal.

You want to tell me
your side?

Clifford.

- You really belted him, huh?
- [GIGGLES]

Yeah, I got in
a couple good ones.

That's my man.

I thought you'd be mad.

You do know that
we had a picnic planned

with Brandi's mom
and Brandi.

What's that face for?

Uncle Max...

if you guys keep
hanging out,

then there's a chance
you could get married,

and that would be bad.

Why would that be bad?

Because if you adopted me,

then me and Brandi
would be brother and sister.

Well, let's not get
our hopes up, okay?

Brandi's mom can barely
stand me right now.

I mean, she probably
left that picnic,

if she even showed up
in the first place.

Let's go then.

- All right. All right.
- Come on!

♪ And if it's there

♪ Don't let it get you down

♪ You can take it

♪ And if it hurts

♪ Don't let them see you cry

♪ You can make it

♪ Hold your head up, oh

♪ Hold your head up, oh

♪ Hold your head up, oh

♪ Hold your head high ♪

Where are they?

[BRANDI SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[JENNIFER LAUGHING]

MAX: Oh.

Oh, you made it.
We were beginning to wonder.

Well, we had a little bid-ness to
take care of after school, right?

- My man, Tim, here had to...
- Take out the trash.

- Clean-up duty.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

[INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION]

♪ You sigh, the song begins

♪ You speak
And I hear violins... ♪

[BOTH GASP]

- Aah!
- No!

- [SCREAMING]
- Tim!

BRANDI:
I tried to grab his hand,

but I couldn't hold him.

Hey, you gave it
your best shot.

And it was our fault for
letting you guys climb so high.

One thing you can't stop
is kids being kids.

I'll be right back,
sweetheart.

Mrs. C will take care of you.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Come on, baby.

Come to Mrs. C.

Yeah, you're
gonna be all right.

[SNIFFLES]

[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]

Hi, Mom.

Dad.

Dad, wait, wait.
Before you say anything,

I want to say something
to you first, okay?

I wanted to say
that I'm sorry.

[SNIFFLES]

I'm sorry that I made you
worry about me so much.

You worked so hard
for us,

and you had so much
on your plate, and I just...

piled more on.

[SNIFFLES]
Because I understand now.

I really know what it means
to love somebody...

so much.

Dad, I'm you now.

But I don't know
what to do. [CRIES]

I'll call you as soon
as I know anything, okay?

Yeah, I love you, too.

Hey, bud.

It's Uncle Max.

Hey.

This is all my fault.

I should have been
paying better attention to you.

I should have been the grown-up
that I was supposed to be.

And I let you down, buddy.

Can I go home?

Oh, you bet.

We're gonna go home
to our home.

And then I'm gonna
take you camping,

I'm gonna teach you
how to fish.

I'm gonna teach you
how to drive.

I'm gonna teach you
every magic trick I know.

I'm definitely gonna teach
you how to climb trees

that are lower
to the ground.

And I'll never take you
for granted.

Dad?

No. It's just me.

Oh, hi, Uncle Max.

How you doing?

Why are you shaking?

Tim, I'm shaking

because I just realized
how much you mean to me.

And I've never felt
anything like this before.

It's a little scary.

You look like my dad when I
chipped my tooth in kindergarten.

Did I ever tell you
that your dad

was like a dad to me
when I was your age

because I was always
getting in trouble

and, um, he was always
looking out for me.

I miss him and Mom.

I do, too.

Pretty sure they'd be handling
it a lot better than I am.

No. You're doin' all right.

Thanks, bud.

You gotta get
some rest now, okay?

Thanks, Uncle Max.

I think the doctors are
actually more worried about me.

They checked
my blood pressure six times.

I'm feeling
a little better.

JENNIFER: Mmm.

Almost fully recovered.

Oh, there he is.

I've been thinking
about your proposal.

You have? That's great.

Listen, order yourself a
stiff one and keep thinking.

Jimbo.

I'd say
I'll see you tomorrow,

but I won't.

- Adios.
- Oh, um...

About that new trick,
I'd like to talk about that.

- You would?
- Yeah.

Well, I'd love to tell you
about that,

but I'm not gonna.

My phone's been ringing off the hook
with calls from other dealerships.

Well, if that trick's
half of what you say it is,

- I'll...
- Double my pay.

Give you
a 5% raise?

Okay. Okay.

This is what I got planned.

The car's here.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Hand me down my walking cane

♪ Hand me down my hat ♪

Thank you everyone
for being here today.

We wish Magic Motors
every success.

- Whoo!
- Congratulations!

[ALL CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I, Max "the Magical,"

would like to welcome you
all to the grand reboot

of Magic Motors.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Today, we have
an amazing experience

for you that
you will never forget.

So, are you prepared
to be amazed?

Are you prepared
to be astonished?

Are you prepared
to be mystified?

ALL: Yes!

Now I must confide in you

our owner here
at Magic Motors

has gone completely bonkers.

Our owner, Mr. Grismer,

is offering
a $750 discount check

to every single customer here,

- picked by a clown today.
- [CHEERING]

Now of course I said,
"Are you mad, man?

"Don't you want
to make any money?"

But he told me the customer
here at Magic Motors

always comes first.

[ALL CHEERING]

And so,

and without further ado,

send in the clowns.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Whoa.

Whoa.

[BALLOONS EXPLODE]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Now let's buy some cars.

[ALL CHEERING]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

♪ The best things in life
Are free

♪ But you can give them
To the birds and bees

♪ I need money

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want

- ♪ That's what I want
- ♪ That's what I want

♪ Your love give me
Such a thrill

♪ But your love
Don't pay my bills

♪ I need money

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want... ♪

Hey, mister,
can I have a balloon?

- Sure, kid.
- Thanks.

Be sure to tell your parents
where you got it.

♪ Money

♪ That's what I want

- ♪ Money
- ♪ That's what I want

- ♪ All of these greens
- ♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want

♪ That's what I want ♪

TIM: How about this?

Uncle Max isn't
scared anymore.

Of love, I mean.

MAX:
What do we have here?

Likes? Not loves?

Slow down, Mario Andretti.

Who carves "likes"
on a tree?

Check back with me
in a couple of months.

- So disgusting!
- Really?

So inappropriate.

All right, all right.

I think... Yeah.

I have one more trick
up my sleeve.

Abra-cadubra!

Come here, little rascal.

A puppy? For me?

Well, yeah, I don't think I
know the spell to send her back,

so I guess
you can keep her.

Really?

Can we call her Magic?

- No.
- Max?

Are you kidding me?

TIM: And you know what?

I'm not scared
anymore either.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Hand me down my walkin' cane
Hand me down my hat

♪ Hurry now and don't be late
'Cause we ain't got time To chat

♪ You and me we're goin' out
To catch the latest sounds

♪ Guaranteed to blow your mind
So high you won't come down

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man

♪ You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband Starts to jam

♪ Oh, Lord
This dude is outta sight

♪ Everything he does
Seems to come out right

♪ Once I went to hear them play
At a club outside of town

♪ I was so surprised
I was hypnotized

♪ By the sound
this cat's puttin' down

♪ When I saw this short fat guy
Stretch a band between his toes

♪ Hey, I laughed so hard
'Cause the man got down

♪ When he finally
Reached his goal

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man

♪ You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband Starts to jam

♪ Got that rubberband
Up on his toes

♪ And then he wriggled it up
All around his nose

♪ Guaranteed to blow your mind

♪ Playin' all that music
Yet keepin' time

♪ Where in the world
Did he learn that, oh, Lord

♪ Lord, help him get away

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man

♪ You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband Starts to jam

♪ Rubberband man
Rubberband man

♪ Just a movin', just a movin'

♪ Got a-groovin' On the
corner It's burning y'all

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man

♪ You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband Starts to jam

♪ That Rubberband man's a doozy

♪ Moves so quick
He makes me woozy

♪ And then he stopped
To show down

♪ He wiggle it up
He wiggle it down

♪ Got speed to move it
Get rubberband off the ground

♪ He lifted it well high
In the sky, y'all

♪ Hey, y'all prepare yourself
For the Rubberband man

♪ You never heard a sound
Like the rubberband man

♪ You're bound to lose control
When the Rubberband Starts to jam

♪ Rubberband man

♪ How much of this stuff
Do he think we can stand

♪ Movin' his shoulders Got
his head Movin' side to side

♪ Dig him crimpin'

♪ Rubberband man ♪

At Magic Motors,
we make high prices disappear.

GRISMER: Prices, Max. Prices!

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull