All language subtitles for Breakin.All.The.Rules.2004.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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Yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on
Figure out what to do

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Yeah
Get caught up in the game

Come on
Figure out what to do

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da

Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da

Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

[DOG WHINING]

[DOG BARKING]

Why can't he use
the doggie door?

He doesn't understand.

It's too new.

Your dog?

Your house.

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

[DOG BARKING]

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Get caught up in the game
Caught up in the game

[DOG WHINING]

[DOG URINATING]

Ooh

Kinda fast, yeah

Come on, come on

Come on, give it to me now

I want to start shaking

I want your hips stickin'

I want your ass bumpin'
Come on

I want your head movin'

I want
Your shoulders bouncin'

I want your ass bumpin'
Come on

I want your rump shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

Whoa, whoa
Ah, ah, ah, ah, woo

Told you all I was coming back
And I did

[RAPPING INDISTINCTLY]

Can you hear me now?
Good

[RAPPING CONTINUES]

I want your head bobbin'

I want
Your shoulders bouncing

I want your ass bumpin'
Come on

I want your rump shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

I want your ass bumpin'
Come on

I want your head bobbin'

I want
Your shoulders bouncin'

I want your ass bumpin'
Come on

I want your body shakin'

I want your hips stickin'

Whoa, whoa
Ah, ah, ah, woo

Did you see the paper?
No.

Yeah, the old man
is stepping down.

Can you believe that?
What?

Junior's taking over.
The king is dead.

Damn. What a way
to let us know.

Yeah, tell me about it.

New York is putting him
in charge of both magazines.

Consolidation.
I tell you...

Sales is tight,

but there could be some
layoffs in editorial.

So you'd better watch
your ass.
Huh?

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Hi.

Mr. Gascon
would like to see you.

Mr. Gascon, Jr.,

that is.

Hmm.

Psst... hey.

Hmm?

We're getting fired,
aren't we?

I don't know.

Oh, man. I just broke up
with my girl last Thursday.

That was stupid.

Now I'm going to have
no job and no girl.

I'm going to end up pushing
mochas at Starbucks.

What about you, Quincy?

You still going
with that model?

Oh, Helen.

Don't break up.

No stress.

Tonight, we're announcing
our engagement

at the Zig Zag Club.

You need to be
up in there.

After work?
Yeah.

After work could be
in the next 10 minutes.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Brown?

Mr. Gascon won't need
to see you. Thanks.

See?

Really? So I can go?

You can go. I'm sorry.

Mr. Watson,
he's ready for you.

Just me?

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Excuse me.
No, excuse me.

Caught up in the game
Caught up in the game

As you've probably heard,
Quincy,

the company
is going through a downsizing.

Yeah, I heard that.

I have a problem, Quincy.

I've got to let go
of 15% of my staff,

and it's unfortunate

and it's necessary.

Yeah.

Now, I see in your resume

you went
to graduate school

in psychology
for a year.

Berkeley.

You're familiar
with crazy people.

Mostly from living in L.A.

Okay.

What do you know

about firing people?

How's that?

I don't know. Firing.

Just laying off in general.

Uh, employee termination.

Yeah, there are several
studies out there,

but I haven't studied it
myself. Why?

Do you know
the name Jeffrey Jasper?

Yeah. The guy from New Jersey.
That's it.

Got fired.

Got a gun.

Got drunk.

Shot 10 executives
in the stomach.

Mm.

Well, personally,

I don't want to be Jaspered.

I'd like you
to put together,

I don't know, a guideline

or a set of procedural
outlines.

Wouldn't Mr. Peters
from Human Resources

be more qualified for this?

Probably. Unfortunately,
I fired him this morning.

He did not
take it well.

He threatened to kill me
with a golf club.

What? Mr. Peters?Yeah.

A MacGregor three-iron.

Very specific.

I would like those guidelines
on my desk
by Friday afternoon.

Is that going to be a problem?

No, sir.

Helen.

Helen!

Careful.

Watch out.

[DOG SQUEALING]

Oh, my bad!

You all right?

"See you tonight, love."

Love you too.

Termination Of Employees:

Psychological Strategies
For Employers.

"There somebody
you want to fire?"

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

Turn your girl around
Show me how you're flipping

On the cold side

Q, Relax.
She's going to be here.

All right, hey,
let me get the toast.

To my cousin, Q.

To having sex
with the same woman

for the rest
of your life,

over and over
and over again.

In so many different
positions, brother.

Don't you--
Sleep on it.

That's what you probably
need to do too.

Man. Man, just relax.

She's going to
be here, Q.

There she is
right there.

There he goes,
there he goes.

Where have you been, huh?

Everybody is waiting
on you.

We've got Evan, Craig,

Lamont, Trey.
Everybody's here.

Where are your girls?

They're not coming.

They're not coming?
Okay. Cool. Why not?

I didn't invite them.

You want to
keep it quaint

and break it
to them later, right?

What, you want to go

and get a little kissy
or something

back here in the back?

I'm getting a bad feeling
about all this.

You don't want
to get engaged right now?

Please,
don't be mad,

but I think we should take
some time off

away from each other,

think things through.

For what?

Everything between us
is too right, too easy,

never dramatic.

What are you talking about?
I'm 25 years old

and still waiting for that,
you know, grand passion.

I mean, it's not your fault.

You just don't do grand.

You don't do sweeping,
romantic gestures.

Look, I want to marry you.

I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Ain't that grand and sweeping?

[SIGHS]

At least sweeping?

See? You just
don't get it.

I need to be away from you
for a while.

What'd I do to you?

I am so sorry.

Girl, you're going to make
these people think I hit you.

Where do you think
you're going?

It's not important.

It is--
It's important to me.

You don't want to know.

Girl, I want to know.

No, you don't.

Yes-- Tell me
where you're going.

You crying?

I'm going to Paris.

Huh?

With Tony.

You're going to Paris
with who?

Tomorrow.

But--

You're going to Paris
with Tony, my best man?

And I done gathered
all these people together

to announce my engagement.

What's wrong with you?

I was gonna send you a letter,
but it didn't seem fair.

Are you high?
Are you smoking?

What do you mean,
write me a letter?

Write me a postcard
from Paris?

No. It wouldn't have been
a postcard.

You know

that I love you.

Girl, I don't even
know who you are.

You're somebody else
right now.

You're an alien right now.

Helen. Hel--

Girl--

I think she kicked him
to the curb.

Lord, have mercy.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Quincy.

Quincy, what
are you doing?

Mr. Gascon, hey.

You got a handle on it?
A handle on what?

On the firing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've been doing
the research.

I've got everything
together.

Okay.

All right, excellent.
All right, here you go.

Okay, all right.
I see names.

What is this?

Yeah. Well, it's just
a little practical,

hands-on experience.

Right, right, right.

I don't understand
what you're talking about.

Come on. What?

Don't go daft
on me here.

It's a list of the people
who need to be... fired.

You want me to do it?

Well, yes, of course.
You're the expert.

No, wait. I was just doing
the research and everything.

I didn't know I'd have to
start busting on people,
firing them.

Oh, yeah. No, no. Well, see,
I thought I was clear.

No.
Then that's my error.

I thought I--
All right, sorry.

Okay.
Sorry.

All right, well,
let me know how it goes.

Mr. Gascon, listen, listen.

I am not comfortable
with this.

Well, of course not.

I mean, to feel comfortable,
you'd have to be a monster.

Yeah, yeah.

No, you're no monster.

For that matter, neither am I.

Right, right.Now, fortunately,

I just happen to be
in the position to delegate,

and you are not.

Hey...

Good luck.

Quincy!

What's happening, man?

Hey. Nothing.
Look at you. You look awful.

Looks like it was quite
the blowout, though, huh?

Yeah, it was blown out.

All right, so what's up?This and that.

This and that?
Yeah.

Sandra said
you wanted to see me.

Yeah.

So it's like that, huh?

Look--

That's cool.

Shit!

Make sure Mr. Gascon gets
that.

Sure.

[KNOCKING]

Yo!

[DOG GROANING]

[DOG BARKING]

Yo.

Come on, open up
the door, man.

Oh, Q.

Man, what are you wearing, Q?

It feels good on my skin.

Are you going to let me in?

What do you want?That's for what.

Your mother, my auntie,
has been worried about you.

She's been calling me
every day for a week.

She's worried
about you, man.

How come you can't
call her back?

I've been busy lately.

You been busy?
I been busy. Yeah.

Move out of my way.
Watch the piss.

You're so in a hurry,

you ain't even
looking down.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

See, this is disturbing, Q.

Kind of a mess,
huh?

This is like
an outer extension

of disease, bro.

What happened
to all your stuff?

Oh, Helen,
she took some stuff,

you know, took the TV,
left me with the dog

and a half-naked picture
of herself.

Just evil.

I gave that woman everything
but my soul.

And I bet they want that too.

Just greedy.

But you don't have
to give it to them.

Pretend to give it to them.

Why do I have to pretend?

Why can't I just be me?

Nobody finds pathetic
charming.

Whoo!

Was that cheese?

Okay, look, I'm sorry
about Helen, okay,

but you're going to have to
pull yourself together, bro.

I've been writing.

You've been writing?

Letters to Helen.
A few letters.

How many letters, Q?

I could not
get the right tone.

Q, how many letters?

I just kept obsessing
over the way she left me

and what she told me,

then it came to me,

surrounded by

all this termination
of employee research,

that if Helen was my boss
and I was her employee,

then the way she fired me
was bad,

bad in every
possible way:

public humiliation,

conflicting emotional
messages, horrific timing.

Oh, yeah, I wrote a letter.

I wrote a letter
detailing the disgust I have

at her method
and her technique.

Her method

and her technique
for dumping you?

Exactly.

Okay, man,
where is this letter?

Oh, hell, no.
I'm calling your mom.
Wait.

No, Q, that is a scream
for help.

I'm calling your mother.

It started out as a letter,
then it--

it evolved into a manual.

That's a manual?
It's a manual

on how to break up
with your lover,

based on the latest
psychological

and employee termination
research.

You trying to tell me
you don't find this stuff
strange?

What's strange?

Yo--

Huh? What's strange about it?

I mean, when you break up
with somebody--

and firing somebody's
basically the same thing--

because you want to do it
the easiest way,

the simplest way,
without producing a stalker.

I call it "The Plan."

"The Plan"?
Mm-hmm.

"The Plan." It is brilliant.

You got a table of contents,
man?

I don't believe him.

"Committed
or Committable?

"Time to kill.

Location,
location, location."

Why break up at her place?

Because you control
the direction of the breakup.

You can leave
when you wanna leave.

Like, a person can follow you
if you're at a bar,

or a restaurant,
or a hotel,

but ain't nobody leaving
their own apartment.

Okay, what's up with
the answering machine?

Change
the outgoing message

to the mechanical one
that they supply for you,

because a "breakup-ee"

will keep calling
the "breakup-er,"

just to hear their voice,
and then hang up,

and what that does,

it creates a cycle
of emotional desperation,

especially
if the message says,

"I'm not here. I'm in Paris."

Ooh la la.

You see, to me,

falling in love
is blissful insanity,

but breaking up with somebody,
that's a rational act.

Now, how do we improve
upon that rational act?

We do it through science.

What were you planning
on doing with this?

I, um, I've--
I'm fittin' a--

You know, see,
I gots this betty

I've been seeing
for three months now.

Chapter six.

Yeah, wh--?

Capricorn?
Uh, Aries.

Oh, man.

We're gonna take this
on a field test.

Quincy? We gonna be rich,
brother.

We gonna be so incredibly
rich.

Time to put your body
In the mood for movement

Huge intentions
Is sure to prove this

Pro- this
And -fessional that

[RAPPING CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY]

[CHEERING]

QUINCY: How to dress.
How to act.

What to wear.
What not to wear.

All I've done is just read,
and the research...

and realized that you can
break up with somebody,

but improve on it
by the science.

That's my boyfriend's cousin
right there.

Discovered him.WOMAN: Who's that, honey?

Guy on TV,

talking about that book
he wrote

on how to break
up with people.

Mm. Not exactly leading us
out of the Dark Ages, is he?

You don't want humps
in your love.

He's kind of cute, though.
What's he like?

I don't know. I never met him.

But I know he is one
lonely, lonely puppy.

Why?

What woman's stupid enough
to go out with a guy

whose total expertise in life
is dumping people?

You got a point.

Okay, here we go.

What's your
love life like?

Well, um...

Are you
seeing anyone?

Give me-- give me a second.

Whoo.

So, what do you
want me to do?

I was thinking of something
drastic, you know?

I've been seeing Evan
for about three months,

and I really, really,
really like him,

but he's getting
a little twitchy.

You know how
the fine ones are.

Yeah.

I think I need
to shock him.

I need to shock myself.

I had that dream again.

Ooh, the one
with the straps?

No.

The one with
Halle Berry.

So?

So dreaming of Halle
before a haircut

is as clear a sign
you're gonna get

in this lifetime.

Mm-mmm.

Ooh.

So how does it feel to be
back in this building

as an author
instead of a slave?

I can wait
outside Philip's office.

No. I don't want you
to be lonely.

Who says I was lonely?

You gotta
get out more,

because it's really depressing
seeing you like this.

A fan wrote me a letter,
said I was arrogant.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me tell you
something, kid.

You have supplied
a humanitarian service

to the world, bro.
No.

No, listen
to me, man.

You should feel
good about that.

See, how is anybody gonna
find their one true love

when they're
stuck in a bunch

of dead-end
relationships?

Quincy Watson, you
are a love enabler.

I just need somebody normal.

Oh, see, there you go,

looking for normal
relationships.

There are no normal
relationships.

You know why?

Because there are
no normal women.

You know what?
A girl came to my crib.

Never seen her before
in my life.

Says that she dug the book--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a mi--
A groupie.

Oh, my boy had
his first groupie!

I tell you, man,

groupies are there
to please, okay?

They're there to do
whatever, whenever,

however you want.I--

I couldn't close the deal.

Oh! You don't tell
me that, man.

Do you know
what I would do

to get with a groupie?

Okay, look,
if it ever happens again,

you can just pretend
that you're me.

I'll do that.

I gotta meet Nicky later.

You want to
check her out?

Nope. How many weeks
she got left?

Technically,
her time's almost up, right.

But, uh...
Mm.

She's a little freaky,
so, uh...

You like her.

No.

I just saw you gaze.
You gazed into mid-air there.

No, I
--When you like people,
you gaze.

All right, you
know what it is?

She has this long, black,
thick, sexy, sexy hair.

[SWORD CLANGS]
Whoa, ow!

Just got the weirdest
pain in my nuts.

I don't want to be
standing right there.

Boy.

Anyway, you'd
like her, Q.

She's, uh...

She does physical therapy
at the hospital, you know.

She's bright.

Mulatto?
No, no, no. A little cinnamon.

Oh, oh, okay.
Bright, like, smart.

Yeah, bright, like, smart.

She's tough,
she has body,

and her long, long,
black hair.

[SWORD CLANGS]
Oh, shit. There it is again.

Boy, you are too old
to be having the crabs.

What's wrong? You been
putting that thing

where you ain't supposed
to putting it?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] It's a very
social organ, but...

Yo.
WOMAN: He's ready for you.

Okay.

Yo, look, all I'm saying
is that one day

a girl's
gonna dump you

before you can get
a chance to dump her.

It's gonna have you
very Eric Benét: sensitive.

Don't jinx me.

I'm not jinxing you.

She's gonna be unresponsive.

She's gonna hide things
from you,

and next thing you know,

she's gonna give you
those fatal words, E,

"Baby, I think we need
to talk."

[SIGHS]

Respond to the door.

Okay, fine. I'm out.

Twist it, respond, out.

Can I pick you anything up
from the clinic?

[SIGHS]

Hey!
Hey.

Author, author.

[LAUGHS]

Good to see you.

King author, baby.
King author.

What's cracking?
Well, yeah, hey.

Ready to roll out
the second printing?

Yeah, let's
get cracking.

Publishing boys in New York,
they're treating you right?

They're doing me
pretty decent.

That book of yours-- Now, that
is just the beginning too.

I'm seeing the whole line
of Spoil books.

Spoil's Guide to Sex,
Spoil's Guide to Golf...

Spoil's Guide
to Pimping.

Well, let's-- Hey.

I'm branding the whole
damn world.

Yeah.
Okay. Well.

I guess you're wondering
why I asked you up here.

Yeah. Why am I here?

Okay, just...
why don't you sit.

Let me just put it
right out on the table.

I need your help.

With what?

Firing somebody.

Mm.

Which is not the right word.

Just, I'm--
I'm more letting go

or getting rid of.

[STAMMERS]
Or losing.

Another employee?

It's my girlfriend.

You want me to help you
fire your girlfriend?

Well, no. If only you could.

No, no. I've gotta
do this myself.

I'm not gonna
delegate this.

I would if I could,
but I can't.
It's just--

I am at my wit's end.

This woman.
God, she has--

She has a power over me.

It's like a voodoo,
hoodoo, she-doo.

She's got me. I am--
I'm not in control.

No.

This is not me.

Hi. It's Sandra
from the office.

You asked me
to keep you in mind

if there was anything
that you'd want to know.

Mr. Gascon has
brought in a ringer.

I need a professional.

A breakup professional?

A breakup professional.

Me?
Who?

You.
Him.

You've got to help me.

No, it's a disaster.

Amy, I look like
a big-headed alien.

No, Evan's gonna freak.

No, I don't know what I did.
It's ugly.

Oh, Jesus.

Would you stop
with the perfect couple crap?

No, no, I don't look
like Halle Berry.

I look like Halle Berry's
Yorkshire terrier.

[KNOCKS]

Okay, no, I've gotta go.

Nicky.

Nicky!

I'm in the bedroom!

All right, come on.
We're gonna be late.

Did you hear me?

I'm not coming out.

What?
Never!

[WHISPERS]
I'm never coming out.

Nicky, what are you
doing up there?

Nothing.

You're doing nothing
in the bedroom

and you're never
coming out?

Yeah.

And why are you never
coming out?

Because I'm hiding.

And why are you hiding?

Baby, we need to talk.

Damn! He did jinx me.

Prepare yourself.

Come on!

Evan?

Hey, Evan.

Whoo-ooh.

Evan?

Aah!

What's up, Q?

What you doing here?
Oh, man, you know what?

I was driving by, and I saw
you had the lights on.

That's what
I'm doing here.

Okay, what's with
the hitting stuff?

You jinxed me, man.
I knew it was going to happen.

I'm gonna
whup your ass, man.

I just left Nicky's house.
You know what happened?

What?
She tried to break up with me.

What?
Oh, yeah, what.

She was being evasive,
and she was hiding,

and you know
what she said to me?

"Baby,
we need to talk."

Oh.
Oh, yeah.

That sounds
familiar, don't it?

Oh, what you say?

What do you mean,
"what did I say?"

I pre-empted
the strike. I ran.

You said you was gonna
break up with her anyway.

You see, I was gonna
break up with her.

You feeling that? I with her.
[INAUDIBLE]

There's a world
of difference.

I with her,
but it's cool

because I have a plan.

This is the plan.

I made plans to meet her
at the Zig Zag at 9:00.

Come on.

What's gonna happen is
you show up there,

and you tell her
I'm gonna be a little late.

Talk me up to her,
tell her what a great guy
I am,

how cool it is for her to be
with a cat like me.

You call me,
I take it from there.

Where you gonna be?

I'll be right here.

Why you staying
at my place?

I don't wanna
stay at your place.

I can't go home.
She'll find me there.

That's right. Chapter three.
Chapter three.

You've been reading.
Oh, come on, man.

That's why
you're nervous.

[BUSTA RHYMES & MARIAH CAREY'S
"I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT" PLAYS]

Baby, if you give it to me
I'll give it to you

I know what you want
You know I got it

Baby, if you give it to me
I'll give it to you

As long as you want
You know I got it

Uh, Nicky?

Um, maybe.

Uh-huh, maybe not, huh?

What is your name?

No, I'm not Nicky, sorry.

Okay, that's
the wrong name.

Hey. Well.

Baby, if you give it to me
I'll give it to you

I know what you want
You know I got it

Baby, if you give it to me
I'll give it to you

Excuse me. Quincy.

Did you ask me my name?
No.

[STAMMERS] You,
you didn't just--

Okay, well,
my name is Quincy.

Okay.

Mary.

Mary, nice
to meet you.

Look, I was
actually here

because my cousin
sent me to find

his girlfriend.

She has long hair.

I never realized
how many women in L.A.

have long hair.

Hmm.
Yeah.

No other distinguishing
characteristics,

like a scar, a tattoo,

dimples or something?

Pretty smile.

No, not to my knowledge.

Maybe her description of you
is a little bit more detailed

than your description of her.

She doesn't know
what I look like,

because she actually thinks

she's coming to meet
her boyfriend.

But she's not?

No, my cousin sent me
because, for some reason,

he is terrified

that she's gonna break up
with him.

Why would he think she
was gonna break up with him?

Because she wants to talk.

He ever think that maybe
she'd want to talk

about something else?

You know how women get
when they just want to talk.

You guys, when
y'all want to talk,

y'all talk,

and you're
all talking.

Yeah, we're funny like that.
Just talky-talk-talk.

Really.

So what did he expect you
to do about it?

He wants me to chat her up.

Tell her how great
of a guy he is.

It's really high school.

You know what?
I said the same thing.

And the cruel part
about it is I gotta lie,

because he really
ain't all that great.

What do you mean?

He's a misogynist.

He's a player,
you know,

and he has
a three-month

commitment clause.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

No, a firm policy.

Sounds like a real peach.

No, but even within
the three months,

see, he's messing around
with other girls anyway.

Hmm.
I'm, like, yo,
what's the deal?

Yeah, what is the deal?

Enough about him.

You want a drink?

Yeah, a Bloody Mary.
Can I get a double, please?

Mary likes Bloody Marys.
That's cute.

Yeah.

So, Quincy, um...

what is it that you do?

I am an editor
for Spoil magazine.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.
Mm-hmm.

You know, you remind me
of someone.

Yeah, you remind me
of somebody too.

Really?

Halle Berry.

You look like her.

Thanks.

Yeah.

[GEORGE CLINTON'S
"ATOMIC DOG" PLAYING]

[GROWLS]

[SINGING OFF-KEY]
Oh!

Atomic dog

Nothing but the dog in you

Whoo!

When they're out there
Walkin' the street

May compete

Nothing but the dog in you

[PHONE RINGS]

Q.

No show.

Damn. That's a sign, ain't it?

Like a flashing red light
before a cliff.

Wanna go get something
to drink, man?

I can't, man.
I just met this babe.

We might go get some dinner
and a club later.

Look, I didn't mention
that I wrote the book.

Is that dishonest?

You're on a date, man.
It's all dishonest.

All right.

This is strange, right.

You were supposed
to be meeting your date,

I was supposed to be
meeting my date,

and we meet each other
at the exact same time.

That's strange.
That's not strange.

It ain't?

No. You wanna hear strange?

Give me strange.

Teratomas.

Teratomas, that's
some of those cookies

that come in the package?

No, that's tiramisu.

Oh, oh.
No, teratomas.

They're these
weird little tumors

that can grow
inside our bodies,

formed by all three
embryonic precursors.

What does that mean?

It means that they have hair
and skin and glands,

so they sweat--
kind of like you are
right now--

and... brain tissue.

I saw one pulled
out of a woman once

the size of a basketball,

and when they cut it open,
she had a full row of teeth.

Huh.

It's like all this stuff
that comes together

to form human life,

but somehow they dissemble
into something hideous.

It's crazy.

So, what's the strangest thing
that you know?

You can't bite through
your own skin.

What?
Can't. It's impossible.

It's, first of all, the nature
of self-preservation.

You can't bite
through your own skin

because you're selfish.

I can't bite through
my own flesh

because I'm too selfish?

Mm-hmm. Try it out.
No.

Go ahead. Bite into yourself--

That's lame.
Bite yourself.

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm,
you want some hot sauce?

Oh. Ew.

Okay, I can't bite into
my own skin

because I'm sane.

It's the same thing,
biologically speaking.

See, if you're not selfish,
that means that you're crazy,

and you could bite
through your own flesh.

What about if you care
about someone

more than you care
about yourself?

The first
question would be

why would you do that,
and the second question,

are you talking about love?

Yeah.

Love.

If someone is in love,
and therefore, not selfish,

then he or she is crazy

and could bite through
his or her own flesh.

So being in love and being
crazy are one and the same?

It's obvious.

Bite your other hand?

No.

Wanna bite me?

I'm tender.

I'm moist. I'm loving.

[WHIMPERING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hello.

[DOORBELL RINGING CONTINUES]

Quincy Watson, I presume?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Quincy.

Quincy Watson.

What's up? Come on-- Ooh.

I'm Rita Monroe.

Oh. Yes, you are, Rita.

[DOG BREAKS WIND]

[GROWLS]

That's his way
of saying "Hello."

Oh, God.

Hello, Rita.

[YELPS AND WHIMPERS]

Drink?

You do know why I'm here?

I do know.

I do, do, do I...

Do I know why?

One second.

So you've read my book?

I'm familiar with it.

[WHISPERS]
Oh, yeah.

I'm also familiar with
the fact

that you're planning
on giving my Philip

breakup pointers.

Not a very good idea.

I'm completely
committed to...

[WATER RUNNING
DROWNS OUT RITA'S VOICE]

Everyone has a job,

and mine is to become
Mrs. Philip Gascon.

[TURNS OFF WATER]

Uh, I'm sorry, um...

You were saying?

I'm saying that I think

we need to work
some things out...

One professional to another.

Professional?

Don't be under any illusions.

It's not all love.

Oh, it's not love.

I think I understand now.
I'm sorry.

I wasn't expecting you
to be so...

What, so honest?

Straightforward.

Well, there's no need for us

to work against each other
on this.

Compensation. You wanna talk
compensation?

Wow. Very direct.

Was I too fast for you?
No.

I'm just used to placating

scared little rabbits
you know?

I'm not used to doing business
with a real man.

I need to find an ATM.

Yeah

[J-KWON'S "TIPSY" PLAYS]

This single man
Ain't tryin' to get hitched

Nigga waste it on me
Man, son of a--

Brushed it all off
Now I'm back to gettin' lit

Grisa orange juice, man
This some good ish

Homeboy trippin'

'Cause I'm starin'
At his chick

Now he on the sideline
Starin' at my clique

Here comes the five
To the four to the three

Hands in the air
If you cats drunk as me

Clubs on the set, Kwon
Cut out them trees

Dude, I don't care
I'm a P-I-M-P

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

Everybody in the club
Gettin' tipsy

[GROWLS]

[WHIMPERS]

What the hell?

Look at the town drunk.

Where am I?You're in my living room.

What kind of man corrupts
another man's dog?

Did you see a woman
here somewhere?

You that freaky

that you got to get
somebody else

to help you get a dog drunk?
What you do to the dog?

I'm gonna report you
to the-- To somebody.

It's not even your dog.
It's your ex-girlfriend's dog.

If Helen came home right now
and saw an alcoholic pug,

what would she say?

You can't let pugs drink.
They're not Rottweilers.

They've got
little bitty kidneys.

Quincy, Helen's
not coming back, man.

It ain't about Helen.

It's definitely
not about the dog.

You, bro, I don't know
what kind of freaky stuff
you been--

You got my drawers on?

[GROANS]

Mr. Lynch,
how many times

have I told you,

you don't have to take
your clothes off for therapy.

Hold my dick.

Okay, um, I'll come back
when you get dressed.

Oh..

[CLEARS THROAT]

Evan called. 1:00, your place.

A little

afternoon delight?

Oh! He's so romantic.

You guys are the reason
I still go on dating.

Yeah, he thinks I'm
breaking up with him

and he's freaking out.

Are you?

No, or...

I wasn't.

Then I went on a date
with Quincy,

who thinks I'm some woman
named Mary.

I found out that it's true,
Evan is Satan.

Not that Quincy's
the most reliable source,

given the fact that he lied
about what he does

or did, in writing
that stupid book,

but he did seem sincere,

and there is
the craziest freakin'
attraction

that's just--

Oh, God.

So I guess the answer's yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, I'm dumping Evan's ass
for lunch.

You're late.

Sorry. What are we
doing way out here?

Spies.

I don't think you fully
realize

the seriousness
of the situation I'm in.

I've got some techniques
for you that are so good,

you will never have to worry
about this girl ever again.

Now, what's the plan?

Early supper, maybe a DVD
back at my place.

Can we get the DVD
at her place?

Her place.

Now, what do I say?

Nothing.
Nothing?

It's what you do.

Well, what do I do?
You sulk.

I-- Pardon?

And then, eventually,
she will ask you...

What's wrong?

And then you will respond
by saying...

Nothing.

Huh?

Come on. Come on.

Honey, something must
be wrong.

No, nothing.

Something is obviously wrong.

No, it's nothing.

Tell me, please, tell me
what's bothering you.

Now you've got her.
She's desperate.

So you hit her
right between the eyes.

Well, if you must know,
I want to break up.

Wait a second. Just like that?

I call it

the passive-aggressive bullet
straight to the head.

She feels responsible.
Maybe it's her fault.

Then, eventually,
she'll squeak out...

[MOCKS CRYING]
"But why?"

And you just look
right in her eyes,

and you say,
"Hey, I don't love you."

Hmm?

And then you bounce.

Wow...

But it sounds a bit cruel.

It's less cruel
than a bad relationship.

Now, I'm gonna give you these.

Okay?

That reminds you who you are.

You're hard metal.
You're steel.

I still don't understand

why we couldn't go
to your place.

I like the smell of new paint.

Drink?

No, thank you.

Philip, you look like
you swallowed a spider.

Well, I didn't just swallow
a spider.

A rat?
No.

You want to know
what it's about?

What you swallowed?

Why I am... sulking.

It kind of just looks
like you're constipated.

No, no, I explained to you
that I was sulking.

Well, maybe you're sulking
because you're constipated.

When's the last time
you had a movement?

It's not about movements.
Do you want to know
what it is about?

No, not really.
Well, why not?

Because you look so cute.

Rita, there's something
on my mind,

something I want you to know.

Philip, rub my leg.
I have a cramp.

Don't you want to know
what's-- what's on my mind?

Rub my leg first.

Higher, higher.

[MOANS]

What's on your mind, big boy?

[MOANING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

NICKY: It's open.

You cut your hair.

I know.

No, but I mean, you really
cut your hair.

I mean, you look
like that actress--

What was her name?

Halle Berry.

No, no, not Halle Berry.

Please, not
Halle Barry. No.

That actress that was
in that movie

about the crackheads.

That's what you look like.

You-- I look like a crackhead?
It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter,
because you know that's--

Man, that's one hell of a cut.

So, what, you like it?

No, I hate it, and that's
a good thing,

because it makes it
so much easier.

I wanna break up with you.
What?

Uh, yeah. "What?"
I wanna break up.

You can't break up with me

because I'm supposed
to break up with your ass.

Well...

Apparently not.

Oh! Ooh, this is so unfair.

This is so completely
like you,
just totally contrary.

Okay, but why
are you yelling at me?

Why are you yelling at me,

because you wanted to
break up with me, okay?

Remember yesterday, you said
you wanted to have "the talk."

I didn't wanna
break up with you.

You only thought I did.

Oh, no, okay.
I saw the sulk.

You were sulking
when I first came in.

I saw it.
That wasn't a sulk!

Yes, it was,
sulkhead.

Your forehead looked like
a walnut, all right?

I saw it.

Okay, today I was sulking.

Yesterday, total misread.

Today, today. What?

About the talking
and everything.

So why'd you
cut your hair?

To keep you, dumbass.

You know, this is just
too confusing for me. I'm out.

Be gone. I don't care. Go!

Who's keeping you?
Not me.

You're real indignant now

considering you stood me up
last night.

I didn't stand you up.

Yes, you did.You stood me up.

It's all good, though,
because I'm leaving.

But you stood me up.

You practically forced
me to go on a date
with another guy.

What?

Yeah.

What other guy?

Whoever I was out
on a date with, obviously.

Where'd you go?Where we were at.

Now you're funny.

You're a comedian now, huh,
but it's good,

because I'm up out of here.

How long you been seeing
this guy?

You know what?

That's no longer
any of your business now,

is it?

Did you do it?

No, not really.

You're still together?

No, he dumped me.

He dumped you?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. He's good.

Too good.

Aah...

It doesn't make sense.

You two were perfect together.

You should be getting married.

It makes perfect sense.

His best friend shows up,

acts like he doesn't know
who I am,

talks smack about Evan

to get me all angry,

knows all these
great little lines,

and then lies
about what he does.

And what does he do, you ask?

He masterminds breakups.
It's so freaking obvious.

It is?

Yeah. They did the old
"bait and switch."

You know, Evan just sort of
handed me off to Quincy.

"Here, I'd slap that ass.
Why don't you give it a try?"

No! What are you
gonna do about it?

Quincy doesn't know
that I know.

He doesn't see that I see
the connection

between him and Evan.

That I know about that
stupid freakin' book he wrote.

And that's all fine and dandy.

I'll keep our little date
tonight.

Take him down
the old romance path.

When he leans in to kiss me...
[PATIENT MOANS]

That first awkward kiss
of the evening...

Yeah.
I pull back...

[GASPS]
And laugh.

I'll dump his ass so hard

he'll be using a walker
for a year.

What?

It sounds
a little childish.

It is not.

Okay, maybe
Evan will realize

how much
he's in love with you,

and then

you can suggest
couples counseling or--

It's time for my rounds.

We'll talk later.

Lie back, Mr. Lynch.

Q.
Mmm.

What you doing here?

I'm just helping Philip out
with something.

No, no, no. Forget about
Philip. Your boy's
got problems.

I know that.
You ready for this?

I think I'm in love.

Well, yeah.
That's what you said.

Oh, no, no, no. That was lust.

That was just
bump-and-grinding...

talking-dirty-while-I'm-
spanking-that-ass lust.

This, this is love.

All right.
It's Nicky.

I broke up with her
at lunch today.

That's a strange way
to show your love.

I wasn't in love with her
when I did it.

I don't think
I was in love with her

when I did it.

Was I in love with her
when I did it?

No, no.

It wasn't until she told me
she was seeing another guy.

E, that's jealousy.
That ain't love.

You think so?
Yeah.

Of course, it's jealousy.
That's what I'm saying, see?

Now, why would I be jealous
if I wasn't in love?

Because we all trip like that
sometimes.

I don't know, man.

I think I made a big mistake
with this.

I don't know what I should do.
What do you think I should do?

Buy her something,
diamond rings, clothes.

See, you're no help at all.

Credit card...

I need to find the dude,
stick my foot up his ass.

He might be big.
He might whup your ass.

You know...

if it wasn't for that
stupid haircut

that she had, that sh--

She cut her hair?

She cut her hair.
Can you believe it?

See, women know that

that's an aggressive
act towards men.

When women cut their hair,
that's aggression.

She aggressed me.

No long hair?
No long hair.

She thinks she looks
like Halle Berry.

Come on, man,
Halle Berry?

Halle B--

You know, it's--

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I was bubbling.

You know, my stomach is bad.

I ate some of those Taquitos

that they had
out in the front.

No, I-- I need to go.
Where's the b--

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

[RAINING AND THUNDERING]

[HEATHER HEADLEY'S
"HE IS" PLAYS]

Doo doo doo doo doo

Oh, my, where do
How do I begin

To answer the question
I know you been wonderin'

Playin' cool, I cool
How could it all be true?

These things, who's that?
And what is he to you?

He is

Mind injector
The heart protector

The soul defender
Of anything I fear

The baby conceiver
The make-me-believer

The joy bringer
The love giver

He is

The dough increaser
The pleasure releaser

The hard-knocks knower

Without the scars to show ya

The night school teacher
The good life preacher

The caretaker
The kiss craver

He is

Oh, these words
Are only frosting on my cake

Nicky?

Feelings explained

Don't do justice
To how I feel

So alive, so in love
For the first time, baby

No way can I hide
Who, what

He is

The mind injector
The heart protector

The soul defender
Of anything I feel

The baby conceiver
The make-me-believer

The joy bringer
The love giver

He is

The dough increaser
The pleasure releaser

The hard-knocks knower

Without the scars
To show you

He is

The night school teacher
The good life preacher

The caretaker
The kiss craver

He is

So
He is

So
He is

Everything, everything
I wanted, I wanted

He is
So

He is
So

And so much more
Than I thought it could be

So I
So I

So I

Girls, I

I gotta be the same for him

Gotta be the same
For him

For my baby

So, uh, Mary.

Is that short for Marilyn?

No, um...

Actually, it's not.

So why don't you tell me
more about your job as a...

an editor?

Uh, yeah, uh, actually,
you know what
I'm trying to do?

I'm trying to write a book,

like a children's book.

Of course, a book.

It's called
All Dogs Leave L.A.,

because they can't
get any attention

or any love.

Where do they go?

Compton.

So, um...

Whatever happened
to your sleazy friend

and his long-haired
girlfriend?

They broke up.

How's he taking that?

Feels like he made
a big mistake.

Does he?

Oh.

You know,
they say that honesty

is the most important element
in love.

Oh, I don't believe that.

I think it's
the most important element

in a relationship,

but love doesn't care about it
one way or the other.

What does it care about?

Itself.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN: Who the hell
do you think you are?

We had a deal.

I don't know what
sort of crazy game

you think you're playing,

but you are completely
out of your league now.

Got to be a wrong number.

PHILIP: Safe word!
Rabbit!

Grow up!

Listen, Mr. Quincy Watson,

if you want more than sex,
then, damn it, just speak up,

but double dealing?

Totally unacceptable.

You call me back.

PHILIP: These things
are pinching me!

I swear I don't know
who that is.

They... They've got to have
the wrong number.

I don't know who that is.

I'm out.

Some other Quincy.
Yo.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, baby.

Look, I swear
I don't know who that--

Oh, you swear what,
that you're honest
and forthright?

Is that what you swear?

Uh, mostly.

Get all you need, bro.

Get all you need.

I'm sorry,
she took the day off,

but if there's anything
I could do for you?

Is she going to
be here tomorrow?

NURSE:
No, I don't think so.

I've just been
calling her,

and she hasn't
called me back--

You have the nicest eyes.

Thanks. Um--

Is there something else
I can help you with?

I like your hat.

I'm so confused.

Me too.

What should I do,
Mr. Lynch?

Love me?

Mm-hmm, and hold
your dick, right?

Okay.

Is he gone?
Yup.

Finally.

I think he's really
really sorry.

Don't you think you should
give him another chance?

I don't know.

You two belong together.

How about it?

It ain't a game
It's about to go down

In a rock town, baby
We know how to blow down

It ain't a game
It's about to go down

In a rock town, baby
We know how to blow down

Down in the dirty we rollin'

Gettin' me going

Hey, what you holdin'

Hey.

The next day, foldin'

Down in the dirty
We rollin'

Gettin' it goin'

Player, what you holdin'?

What's the problem?

If you hate this girl
so much,

how come you can't
break up?

It's called fear.

Now, don't get me wrong,

she has many
fine qualities:

beautiful, fun, smart,

but after a point,

you get this feeling
of bottomless ruthlessness.

So...

tell me,
you wicked little animal,

what is Philip offering?

You tell me.

Nothing.

Stinko.
Zip.

Book payback.

Book?

Tit for tat.

Big deal.
I can give you tit and tit.

Philip Gascon?

Well, you have
to decide.

Are you helping Philip
break up with me,

or are you
helping me marry him?

[GASPS]

Aw, shit. Aw, shit...

What is it?

I, uh, I've got a cramp.

Where?

Uh, it's... it's in my leg.

Well, I'll help you rub it.

Here?

Yeah, right there.
That's where it is.

That's where the cramp is.

QUINCY: You're not listening.

Hello, Philip?

Mm-hmm?

Where you at?

I'm sorry. Look, if
something isn't done soon,

I'm going to be married.

So, uh, why do you want
to marry Philip?

Oh...

Quincy, Quincy, Quincy...

I'm a practical girl.

I was brought up dirt poor
on the wrong side of Toledo

by not a very loving family.

I've put together
a life for myself

based on good looks
and street savvy.

I figure I got another five
to seven years to cash in.

It's really all quite simple.

I mean, even the book
is theoretical.

Don't fall in love.

That's the main thing.
Don't fall in love.

It's dangerous.
Somebody could get hurt.

Do you love Philip?

No.

I like him.

He's nice.
He's a likable guy,

but women don't love
men they can manipulate.

What about a man
that can manipulate you?

Well, if I find one...

I'm sure I'll fall in love.

You need to break up with her
at a public place.

Break up with her
at the post office,
the airport.

Banks are good.

Where there's a lot
of security, you know,

but whatever we do,

you got to come on
with the come on.

Be assertive.

I know. I've got to
be assertive here.

Yeah... You got
to get the--

I didn't tell you
about the face, did I?

What?

Do you know about the face?
No.

The face of immmutability.

That's where you drain all
the emotion off your face,

like this here...

See?

See, once you don't
show any emotion,

it's hard for a person
to be emotional with you.

This breaks the cycle
of facial expressions

that give off pain,
anger, and hurt.

Yeah, keep that.
Keep that.

Uh-huh, keep that.

Now, when you see her,
you act.

You don't wait.
You say, "It's over."

Philip!

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.
I want to break up.

Excuse me?

Yeah. I want to break up.

Here?

Yes, here.

Why here?

To avoid violence.

[GIGGLES]

In a post office?

Philip...

It's not you.

I know you.

You're a FedEx man.

Yeah. Whatever.

Well, it's not
possible.

Why not?

Because we're
getting engaged.

The hell we are!

Look, I've thought
it all through,

and it is the best
thing to do,

it is the most
generous thing to do.

I don't want
to be generous.

Honey, I'm being
generous. Not you.

Listen, let's
face facts, Philip.

You are an aging,
boring, white guy.

Without me to define you,
you're invisible.

So in good conscience...

loving person
that I am,

I could not really
just let you go.

I just want
to break up.

Of course you do.

Listen, we'll get
a bottle of wine,

and you can tell me
all about it.

Okay?

Come on.

Come on. Buck up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GROWLING]

[GASPS]

Rufus, my darling.

How's my little baby?
Cute. Oh!

[BARKS AND SNARLS]

Rufus, it's me.

Helen.

[BARKING]

You stop that.

[SNARLING VICIOUSLY]

You
have something to say to me?

Yeah.

What?

You ever hear of this game
called "The question game?"

No.

It's real simple.

It's where, uh,
you ask me a question,

I have to answer it
truthfully.

I ask you a question,

and you have to
answer it truthfully.

Sounds slightly mean
and dangerous.

How about I start it out?

What's your name again?

Mary?

Nicky.

Your turn.

Okay, hmm...

What do you do?

I was an editor
at Spoil magazine.

Then I wrote this handbook

on how to break up

with your lover.

Hmm...

How long have you known that?

First night at the bar.

How long have you known
that my name wasn't Mary?

Yesterday.

So you didn't know
that first--

Ah!

Hold on.

Why'd you go out with me?

Because you thought
I looked like Halle Berry.

Who was that woman
on the phone?
-I don't know.

No girlfriend or ex-girlfriend
lurking in the shadows

with a frying pan?

No. None of that.

Do you love Evan?

I thought I did.

Once you knew who I was,

you were planning
to stop
seeing me, weren't you?

I can't do that.
That's my cousin.

It's not right.

But here you are.

Here we are.

Why is that?

I'm crazy.

How crazy?

I'm crazy like...

Mm. Not a drop of blood.

What's a girl to think?

I'm bleeding internally.

[MOANING]

NICKY: Wait. Wait.
Wait, Quincy, wait.

Wait.
Maybe we shouldn't, Quincy.

Why?

You know why.

Yeah. You're right.
You're right.

I gotta talk to him.

Yeah, I mean,
if we had wild sex tonight,

it would only
complicate things.

Yeah. Yeah. It would.

I'm tripping.

I'm going
to go talk to him.

You know,
maybe I should just go.

Do you want to go?

Do you want me to go?
Not unless you want to go.

I don't want to go.
Don't go.

Then why you bring it up?

We could play a game.

Naked Twister.

No, I have a better game.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

The Fantasy Game.

The Fantasy Game...

Mm-hmm.
You sit over there.

I'll be over here.

You tell me
one of your
favorite fantasies,

and I'll tell you
one of mine.

You can go first.

Okay, there's these
baby chickens,

and they're
all oiled up...

You-- you go first.
I got to work mine out.

Mm. Okay.

I'm asleep...

in this deep, beautiful sleep.

This stranger,
he comes into my bedroom,

and his lips,
they taste so sweet.

Like a Now and Later.

Grape?
Grape.

Yeah, grape...

And then
his lips are...

slowly... moving down my body,

from my neck...

to my breasts...

to my belly.

I just can barely
catch my breath, and...

Oh, this--

it's like a slow,
enormous explosion, and--

Oh! Oh! Get off!

Ew! What are you doing?

What? I-- I...

The dream and the lips...

It was a fantasy.

God...

Well, you got
me excited. I...

I was feeling...

Oh, what the hell.

Didn't work out,
did it?

Somehow it turned
into a negotiation.

It started out
far apart.

I wanted to break up,

she wanted
to get engaged.

In the end, we
forged a compromise.

What was
the compromise?

We got engaged.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So you still want
to break up?

More than ever.

Well, you know
how I'm a firm believer

of straightforward
honesty

and direct
dealings, right?

I have the deepest respect
for your philosophy.

Damn all that.

Look, we're gonna
write a letter.

The letter simply gonna state
that you've broken up.

Hell, I'll even
write it for you.

And then after that,

just change your
phone numbers, change your
answering machine.

You take a vacation.

Go somewhere
for two weeks,

somewhere exotic
that only you know about.

Don't you want
to be somewhere exotic

so you can be naked somewhere,

just running on the beach
having fun,

and frolic!

Frolic all you want,

and then you come back,
and then you change up.

Change your habits.

Change your schedule
for about...

six months.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

[LAUGHS WHEEZILY]

Yeah.

Yeah?

Well, I can do that.

Run naked somewhere,
can't you?

Ha!

I've got an ass,
and I'm going to show it.

If that's what you want to do.
I don't want to see it.

Yeah,
go show your ass.

Let's see some ass!

Don't get naked right here.

I can just run away!

All right.
All right, now.

You scaring me.

You scarin'--
you are scaring me.

Evan, this cousin of yours
is a genius!

Don't forget,
give me that letter.

About 7:00?

All right.
Adiós!

[LAUGHS]

What did you give him?

I need to holler at you
about something--

Got something to show you.

Watch your eyes.
Watch your eyes.

Nicky?

Who else?

I thought you guys
broke it off.

Q, the deeper the hole,

the bigger
the romantic gesture you need

to crawl out of it,

and this... is a big gesture.

What makes you think
she's interested in this?

Because I know.How do you know?

Because I know.

Her best friend told me.
No, she didn't.

Oh, yes, she did.

What about her dude?

She's just using some loser
to get to me, the real prize.

What makes you think
he's a loser?

Because I know he's a loser.

I'm just saying,
I don't believe that,

that she would choose
something like that.

Believe it.
I know Nicky.

I see where she's
going with this.

She likes her little games,
and I play along with it,

because some of the games
are kind of kinky--

Aw...

Why-- Why are you doing this?

I love the woman.
That's why I'm doing this.

You don't think
it's a good idea?

No, I don't think
it's a good idea.

I set you up.
I knew you
were gonna say that,

because you're about
being safe and
about being in control,

and this...

this is crazy, right?

When?

The master plan
goes down tonight.

I'm so brilliant.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm looking for Nicky Callas.

I'm a good friend of hers,
Quincy Watson.

You know,
she's out for a few hours,

but why don't you
leave her a message?

Sure.
Can you tell me
where she went?

No. No idea.

Well, make sure she gets this.
This is real important.

Of course.

Hi!

Hey...

Still on for tonight,
aren't we?

Sure.

[DOG SNORING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[DOG YAPS]

Nicky?

No, it's Philip.

Are you bringing
that letter over yet?

Uh, yeah, I'm coming.

Thank you, muchacho.

CROWD: Surprise!

[CHEERING]

Well, I couldn't
rush off to paradise

without celebrating you
on your second printing.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Quincy Watson, author.

[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]

There he is.
Big time. Big time.

Hey, I've got
a surprise for you.

Mm-hmm.

It's in the back.

Hey, you ain't seen
Philip's girl, have you?

I doubt she
was invited.

Oh, good.
Good, good, good.

Yeah, I thought you were
supposed to meet Nicky here.

Ah, it's all
been arranged.

Trust me.
Have I ever let you down?

Have I ever...
let you down?

Hello, Quincy.

Helen?

[GIGGLES]

Yeah, uh...

What you doing here?

I'm back.

[GIGGLES]

Whose party is this, Amy?

A friend's.

I wanted to go
to the movies.

Come on. Don't
be such a drag.

It'll be fun.

It took me going away
to realize that...

it wasn't you
who needed to change,

it was me.

You're perfect just...
the way you are,

but I would do anything

to make it right again
between us.

Amy, what have you done?

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna close my eyes now...

and you can either kiss me...

or slap me.

I don't care.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Excuse me, Q...

I need to speak to you.

Now.

Don't go.

Nicky's here.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah,
and Rita's here too.

What?

It's a long story,

but I need you
to go get Nicky

and bring her back here
to me, okay?

Let me tell you
how to recognize her.

I know. She's got
short black hair.

I don't see
Evan anywhere.

I can't believe
you did this to me, Amy.

I'm leaving.

No, no, no.
He's changed.

Okay, It was supposed
to be a surprise, but...

he has a ring.

[GIGGLING]

A ring of what?

A diamond ring, silly!

Wow...

You're psychotic.

Really psychotic.

Well, that's harsh.

Excuse me.

Nicky...

Quincy...

Hey, what's up?

You know what?

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

I was thinking
we could bounce out,

get us a little...

Ooh, uh, you know,
have you seen the floors?

These floors are great.

Who is that woman
waving at you?

I don't know. She
was looking at you.

Have you got the letter?

Right here.

Okay, Nicky.

I see you met Quincy already.

You didn't tell him?

Tell me what?

That's the girl.

Hi.

Hmm...

Let's go
blow out these candles.

Yeah, let's go.

I think I'll mingle.

Hello. I'm Helen,
Quincy's muse.

Oh, I'm Nicky,
Quincy's girlfriend.

I'm Rita.
I just screw him.

[CROWD SINGS
"FOR HE'S A
JOLLY GOOD FELLOW"]

Yo, Evan,
I've been seeing Nicky.

What?

I wanted
to let you know

me and Nicky been
seeing each other.

My Nicky?

Look, I've been
seeing Nicky,

and I love her.

[PUNCH, GRUNT]

[FURNITURE SMASHING]

Hey...

I just met your muse
and your little ho.

You know
what you are?

You're a walking,
talking teratoma.

No. Nicky, wait.

Ugh!

Yo, Nick--

[WHISTLES]

E! Wait!

E, hold up, man.

Look, it's not
what you think.

I think you weren't thinking.
That's what I think.

Dude, I didn't even know
what she looked like--

I don't give
a damn.

You don't do that
to blood.

You don't do that
to family.

You know the rules.

Yeah, I know you know.
Go to hell, man.

When I get her back,
you stay away from her.

Dude...

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Going somewhere?

Oh! Yeah,
just a business trip.

You know, kind of
a last-minute thing...

to London. Just...

Yeah, just...

Well, the hotel
pool, you know?

You're allergic
to chlorine.

Not that bad.

You stop breathing.

Changed the locks?

Yeah, the key broke off
inside the...

but it--

Is this letter
addressed to me?

Perhaps
you should just read it.

There's something
I need to tell you,

even though it may
change your opinion of me.

I'm having an affair.

[DOG BARKS]

Dang security.

Philip?

What you doing here,
and how'd you get in?

I broke a window.
Why'd you do that?

Your little dog
is very friendly.

What are you doing here?

[SCREAMS]

What's your problem, man.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, what the hell...

Philip, I'm confused.

Yes, you certainly are,
because I know.

You know what?

Rita told me about your--
your indiscretions.

He bit me.

That animal.

The way I listened to you.

The way I confided in you.

It wasn't me, I swear.

Listen to me, you ungrateful
little misanthrope.

If you so much as
look at Rita again,

I will hire people
to break you in two!

Plus, I'm pulling
your lousy book!

Your self-help days
are history.

I'm going
to marry that girl,

and there's not a damn thing
you can do to stop me!

[RITA GASPS]

Oh...

Yeah, it's just, uh...

Yeah.

[SOBBING]

Stop that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Da-da-da-da da-da-da

Da-da-da-da da-da-da

Da

Da-da-da-da da-da-da

Da

[POP]

[COOING]

[SNIFFING]

[GRUNTING AND PANTING]

[PANTING AND WHINING]

What?

This?

[YIPPING AND BARKING]

Fine.

Here.

[SNARLING AND BARKING]

Don't you threaten me.

[DOG SNARLS, HELEN SCREAMS]

[BARKING]

I want that thing put down.

[GRUMBLING]

No, there ain't gonna be
no fights in here,

but if you do get
into a fight,
keep that left up.

Then come with--

Hey, can I help you?

Yeah, um,
I was wondering,

if I left my girlfriend's
dog here,

could you find him
a good home?

Come with me.

Oh. There you go.

Got your own condo,
skylights, Jacuzzi...

Yeah, they all
get three days,

but between me and you,

ain't none of them
get out of here alive.

Let me know.

[BARKING]

[GROWLS]

[ALL BARKING]

We're having a good time.

Where are my dogs at.

God, it's so ugly!

[BARKING]

Fly back to Paris on this.

Go get her, boys.

[HELEN SCREAMING]

Yeah, Nicky?

RECORDING: The person
you are trying to reach

is unavailable.

Da-da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da, yeah

Yo, E,
I've got to talk to you.

Wait a minute.

Before you start, I have
something I want to tell you.

I'm getting married.

No, you ain't.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

No date yet,
but it's going down.

You happy for me?

Of course, because
it's a big day for you, but--

That's good,
because you know why?

I want you to be
my best man.

Oh, no, man.
I can't do that.

Q, we go back.
I'm not gonna do that.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

She's here.
She's here?

She's here. For what?

No.
WOMAN: Mm...

Quincy,
this is Rita.

Rita, Quincy.

Pleasure finally meeting you.

Heard a lot about you.

You have no idea.

Yeah, uh,
what happened to Philip?

Heart attack.

What do you think?

RITA: Thankfully,
it turned out to be

a fairly minor incident...

[WHEEZING]

But he needed to spend
a few days in the hospital.

So there I was,

nursing the poor soul
back to life,

when who walks in?

Oh, hey, is that the
Angler contract you got there?

[LOW VOICE] Yeah, you know,
I can come back later.

No, no.
Just put it down here.

Right here?

Yeah, just here.
Here is good.

[COUGHING]

Oh, Evan, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners?

Evan, this is
Rita Monroe,

Rita Monroe,
Evan Fields.

RITA: Of course,
I didn't know he was Evan.

I thought he was you.

I felt so used,
so manipulated that I just...

fell in love.

Is Philip still in
the hospital?

No. I fixed him up with this
little nurse betty I knew.

Chugga, chugga, chugga,
chugga, chugga, chugga,

chugga, chugga,
chugga...

Ah... good boy.

EVAN: He's in good hands.

Rita, will you excuse us
for a second?

What's crack-alating?

You talk to Nicky yet?

Oh, no. Well, I stalked her
for a little while, right.

But that was
a long time ago.

That's a joke, man.

Good.

Rita, nice
to meet you.

Uh, Q...

You still need my permission
if you want to talk to her.

Them the rules.

I've got my own rules now,
player.

Kinda fast

[THWACK]EVAN: Ow!

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon

I can't believe he
hit you in the ear.

They deserve each other.

Hello?

Hey, where's Nicky?

She's not here.

When's she coming back?

She's not.

What you mean, she's not?

She's gone to Portland.

Portland?

Yeah. You just missed her.

She took the train.
He's afraid to fly.

He? Who the hell is "he"?

Right here,
Mr. Lynch.

All right, now,
don't move, okay?

Your daughter's
not paying me enough

to play hide-and-seek
with you, all right?

I'm going
to go get the tickets.

Stay here.

[HONKING]

Damn.

Hi. Two tickets on
the Surfliner to Portland,
please.

[HONKING]

Come on!

Damn!

Nicky!

Nicky!

Okay, we've got to go.

We've got to go now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please have your tickets
ready.

Final destination for this
train is San Diego.

What?

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

Don't even think about it.

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

What the...

Oh, my gosh.

Quincy...

What are you doing?

I'm a--

Look, it's my fault!
I'm an idiot!

What are you--

I don't understand
what you're saying!

Do you hear me? What are you
with the old dude for?

I can't understand
what you're saying!

I'm a misanthrope!

I'm an asshole!
I'm a fool!

I can't hear you!

I love you!
I've got to have you!

[NO SOUND]

What are you--

No, no, no!
No, no, don't!

Crazy man.

Don't!

No, don't!
Oh, my God!

[THUD]

Stay here.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

["HE IS"
BY HEATHER HEADLEY PLAYS]

Doo doo doo doo doo

Doo doo doo doo doo

Oh, my, where do

Where do I begin

To answer the question

I know you been wondering

Playin' cool, I, cool

How could it all be true?

These things, who's that

And what's it to you?

He is the mind objector

The heart protector

The soul defender
Of anything I fear

The baby conceiver
The make-me-believer

The joy bringer
The love giver

He is

Doo doo doo doo doo

He is

He is

He is

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Come on, we got work to do

Yeah

Caught up in the game

Come on, we got work to do

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da

Caught up in the game
Caught up in the game

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da

Caught up in the game
Caught up in the game

Da-da-da-da-da
Caught up in the game

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da

Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da

Come on
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Come onDa-da-da

Ah, come on
Come on, ah

Come on, come on, ah, ah

Da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da

Yeah, come on

Da-da-da-da da-da-da
Da-da-da

Yeah

Come on
Yeah, come on

Yeah

MAN:
Let the dogs go.