Original subtitles

It was another summer

Scorcher in the sun bakes Autumn is Southern California

The noise from the traffic on the boulevard was interfering with my thinking

Hot weather everything seems louder

I was in my office finishing up a missing persons case

My secretary of the day off

I was wondering how to spend the rest of the afternoon when I'm all of us sudden the door swung open

She wasted no time getting down to business she wanted to hire

Army to find the Maltese dildo

The Maltese dildo mustillo

Thank you

Case

A joke

He went to Army to find a dildo

Okay you're safe

Bus expenses

His retainer

Shouldn't be hard to count

Distilled Oso viable

Someone to find

It's no ordinary dildo Mr low

Is the Maltese dildo

Come to my home this evening

I'll give you all the information you need to know

Do you need directions on how to find

No

I can find my way

What time

My dog goes to bed at 10

Can we make it earlier

You name the time

837

G37

Four Season restaurant

Valerie

It's okay to be on dog biscuits for a while

I kept thinking how classy and cool my new client was

There was something familiar about that face

It wasn't until after she left that I realized I didn't get her name

And she didn't get it

Well

I didn't make the acquaintance of one James Madison

His face

Was a face I wish I could see more of

Hey Mark how are you

Hi Louis

Let me have a beer

Glass

I have a clean one

Radio

Look at that

Oh and by the way Maya

There are a couple of phone calls for you

Zendaya bodybuilder in that too

Sure no problem for me

By the way

The boss said if you came in today she wanted to see you

I got to work on a Case tonight

I don't theater

Well if it isn't my favorite

Public and private

I know sweetheart

I know which I prefer but you really know how to kill a romance

I'll try to make it up to you later you know

You can get anything and everything on Hollywood Boulevard if you have the money to pay for

But they still flock here thinking they're going to get something for nothing lawyer they ever in for a big

Big disappointment that's why it's called a Boulevard Hollywood Boulevard

It isn't what it used to be then what is nowadays but don't get me wrong

I love how much

Reading list

This is a quality that I admire in a man

Those watergrass for real I mean you really know all those guys

Course was too low what a foolish question

Who are all seduced by my charms

I Know Who You Are

Your morning LaPierre used to be big and x-rated movies

I'm still a big star Mr low

The coccyx are small

Orchard Estate

Perhaps you like a drink

Vodka on the Rocks would be nice

I didn't mean an alcoholic drink

Crab something a little more

Stimulating

Wow alcohol is not for this year I got to a certain point

I discovered a nerve while filming in the southeast

Much more sexually potent

So tell me more about the small tea

I don't even know where I'm supposed to begin looking for it

All I know about it

Pier

You'll have plenty of time to

Look it over later mr. low

Actually it's not much information

Several months ago I received word that the Builder was serviced on the black market

And was up for the highest bidder

My bed was accepted

And my banker arranged for the funds to be transferred to specify

How do you need my services

I never received any for the word about the dildo

The art dealer who is handling the sale

A very reputable man would come up in business for years

Disappeared

I'm counting on you mr. lodha help me

I must have the Maltese dildo

I don't understand what makes it so

Liable

Plus keeps a woman young Mister low

It's important for women to sustain her sexual desires especially as she ages in the Maltese dildo has the power

How to do that

I can prolong orgasms 20.1 Can Only Imagine

She went on and on about the wonderful powers of the dildo

I can't remember how long

How do you feel Mr love

I feel

You know why I invited you here

You know I invited you here to f*** you

I love to f*** you

No I said that

Why don't you come over here and I'll show you exactly why you said that

Easter love

I might mr. love

You must find a dildo for me.

I also want to f*** you

I might

I'm leaving. Your f****** or not

Full

Breast

Human hair wigs

Is it

I want to hear

Saigon rapper

Come on

I learned a lot from one of my Pier last night but unfortunately none of it had anything to do with the case

I didn't know where game

Whatever it was

She was good at it real good

The job did have its perks

I called the anthropology department of the local Museum a nice lady on the phone told me to come over

I was hoping I can get some background information on this multi still though it was a long shot but I had no other lead

I wasn't sure but it looks like I was being followed I made a note to check it out when I finish my business

The private investigator called you earlier

Oh yes mr. Lowe

Dr. benninger

How can I help you

Well

I'm working on this case.

My client is hard to find

Find a dildo

They called The Maltese dildo

Have you ever heard of it

Yes I've heard of it

About two weeks ago and older gentleman came in

Said he wasn't anthropologist

What what did he say

Same as you did

What was that was you looking for it

No

He was looking for a description of it

She wants to know how he might verify its authenticity

But I couldn't help him

Why not

Because our computers were down at the time

He was in a real Rush

That was very urgent

And a great deal of money to be lost or games

I really didn't understand what he was talking about

And you haven't seen or heard of him since

Is your computer working today

It was yesterday

Is it possible that you could do

Find information this Anthropologist I was looking

For whoever you want

Dr. Edwards was his name

English name

You didn't ask

I suppose I could get the information you want in a day or two

Potomac

Why is everyone so interested in this mall

Maltese dildo

Well I'll tell you what little I know

When I described it. The manager the effects of the dildo that monologue. Told me last night

Good doctor became uncontrollable for clothes

Arms around my neck and pulled my mouth to hurt

Working here tunnel run my mouth just some kiss

I want your cock

I want your big huh

Do you want it you got to really want it

Who cares

Give it to me

She dug her nails into my back she didn't know her stuff she just yelled out

Bastard Capehart

Around dead things for too long

I want you to cut me from behind

Saucony

Give it to me

I want to suck your cock now

Not sure where she was common business life

Cuz I'm nothing that happened

Always heard of these intellectual women were wild

Viking Mead, crossword

I always have a fondness for Museum curators thank you

Why did you get into this field

The treasures one comes across now and then

Plaquemine

I never heard of

Dial

Owl

You want me to follow

He wants to talk to you

You tell him

Be at the bar on the corner of Hollywood and Cherokee

In one hour

If he's not there he's going to have to pick up the pieces

If he doesn't show up

Going back to my office to make some phone calls until I had to meet Glutton I called Moana LaPierre

But there was no answer. The manager was more horny than helpful

She could only give me the name of the professor

So I let my fingers do the walking

I called every Edwards in the phone book

Finally I got a lucky

Well

Almost

Professor Edwards

This is Mark Lowe

Search until we speak

Is pertaining to our mutual interest in a certain artifact

My number is beechwood 45789

You can call me anytime

Nothing but bills today

What else is new

PAW Patrols coming

Make any progress

Not much

Remind me to tell you the story about the dildo I'd love to

I was dying to tell her the dildo story

My cock said yes but my conscience said no

Hey Mark are you

Oh yeah he's here

Are you mr. Marcus low self

James Mark love you do so and I believe you have met my assoc

Good I'm about to have a cool drink perhaps you join me so

What we have Jalen

I think I should have a bourbon if you haven't old Pharmacy if you don't

Who was Sophia's don't make that a golden Fizz please

Andes Virgin Mary for my young friend here just a little shy

The glass

You look like a man of means

By all means

It's always one of these

It's always one of these guys

They can't take anything regular they got to have a special drink

Heritage

Why are you having me followed

I am Tim to have the Maltese dildo for my own collection Mister low

What's up

There will be time enough to discuss me

Show me finish what I wish to know have you found them all

Which I had

Why should I tell you you're not my client

And here we go

Drinks

IW Harper

Golden fish

Saint Virgin Mary

Thank you sir

The first drink of the Evening Sun a quiet ball one of the few Pleasures I have left in life

And my collection of erotica mr. low which is one of the finest in the world

I got to use a John all right if I go

How many times have I told you do not call me boss Go-Go

Where was I

About to get to the point I hope

I'm a very wealthy

Hello

Accustomed to getting what I want

What about mrs. LaPierre is paying you

I will double it

I must have the multi

You still don't for my collections

What seems to me that makes life here is a rightful owner

She paid an art dealer and accept it or bit

And so did I say

And I'm afraid that we have both been duped

This on dealing with whom we were doing business has disappeared

Not only am I out the money

Did I have paid him

But I have no idea where the Maltese is gone

That still doesn't tell me why you're having me followed I wanted to know any information you might have some

This is not the first time this has happened a similar incident occurred

10 years ago

Ten years ago

Mr. low have been searching for The Maltese dildo for over a decade now so

I wish someone would tell me why this dildos so valuable

You should learn the legend of the Maltese dildo in due time this too low

Now

Shall we discuss our business proposition

I can't accept your offer

Why not

Well it would be very unprofessional on my part

Stop here had me first

Electrician

The best farewells on the briefest farewells

Celestial sea

Hello

This is Mark Lowe calling Moana LaPierre

When is she expected

Could you have her call my office as soon as she returns

I couldn't figure out my life here

Coming to my office

Drop the Madison ravish my body and now I'm not a word

What a crazy lady

I forgot to water the plants this morning

Rooster a little bit

Pirlo

That's my name

How to name to ask you

Can I have a raise

Soon as I'm done with this case I have a present for you

You've already got it

Miss your p**** again

Sure

Otherwise I'd be working for nothing

Punisher panties

On my salary who can afford it

In all those detective movies the guy never gets his secretary

I'm one of the lucky ones

Don't mess up my hair

Why don't you be mine

Backdoor Man

You know I don't do anal

Once a week

MFA

How many times have I told you to drive slow when I'm getting flat

Someday Baby

Be able to swallow

Friend of mine just called

Sudan rental

She works for IBM during the day

Meribel at night

She said gleckman Pandora visit last night

Meaning Miss Mirabelle

Mister Glassman

I might be a connection

Better

Check this out

Change the font you excuse us for a moment

Well boys no need to make an appointment

Drop in anytime

What business is it of yours

Pretty shabby place you got here

Then what the f*** are you doing here

You know who I am

CP

Do you operate on a strip

James Howie Mendoza

You changed it to man

You know how it got to be so big time

Probably started as a pimp in a whorehouse

How many bad man is too low

I got lots of dough

Can I spread it around a lot of people

They all know how we met

I got a beautiful wife

Billion dollar house

Butler to maze

Is monkey here to drive me around

I want you to stay away

From Moana LaPierre

I want you to stop looking for the Maltese dildo

How does Mona lapierre's business

Well

Let's just say

And I don't want to see your kitten her

You got your

That's the question

I got it

But the answer is no

Dumb monkey

He's got three seconds

The back off

Becca's Cafe

I forgot to water the plants

I think you need this I didn't think you had it in you

How to get to like you

You a bastard

Just like me

I don't even consider us the same species

This meeting is come to an end

Got any problem

With me working with Mona LaPierre

Okay Lo

Alright

It figures that you two scumbags would have business with one another

I guess this is inspection day

First him now you

This place is a crap

Everybody's assaulting my office

Today I think it's kind of cozy

Be my guest

What flavor are these

Never had one myself you have to ask my dog Louie

So

What business do you have with that

What do you want water

We're getting a little itchy

I'm the one who asked the questions I know so ask

So I can answer them

Then you and your partner in crime

Engineered can be on your way

One telephone call that I can have your license suspended

License suspended

Withholding evidence

Obstructing justice

Hospital

Should nuts

What do you know about professor

I don't know anything about that

Not according to his answering machine you left a message for him to call you get your name and phone number

Name and phone number

That's right but I never spoke

Do you know what happened to him

Will you know what he was working on

Maybe you guys haven't been listening

Said I never spoke to Professor Edwards only to his answering machine that's all

What's your business weather

I was hired to find a rare piece of art

An ancient artifact

I was told that the professor could give me some information on

So I called them

He is or he was an anthropologist

You don't know

Start a reporter missing after not seeing him for a week

You sure there's not something you're not telling

Professional Auto

I would know anything back from you

Well if you think of anything that you might want to tell us

What you give us a call

Remember your number

One suspect

Number one suspect last

Person to have

Contact

What is answering machine

Don't

Play

But you guys ever change ask

For the way it what exactly is this

Ancient artifact

A dildo

The Maltese dildo

Well now I've heard everything

Fire stick

Looking for a dildo

Wait till I tell the guys back at the station

I prefer that this one get around

I can understand why

Hollywood and you're one of the weirdest law

Matilda

I don't believe it

Flashlight

A real tough guy

It's okay to lie to cops I'm not to tell them everything just don't refuse to talk to them

Everything I told him was the truth I just didn't tell him all of it but I left that was my business

I decided it was time I paid a visit to Miss America

We got to stop meeting like this

Remind

Why do you insist on following me my boss insist that I bother you

I'll make it easy for you

Hi

Oh thanks I've got a dog

Mark how you feeling

Come and join me if a

Is this guy has been tailing me

How to get a couple of girls to maybe keep them busy for about an hour while I can talk to I miss Merivale

Are you guys now

Say hello to the nice lady Wall-E

Come over here and take Wally to

Go with the nice lady

You'll have a good time don't worry

Wall-E

Great

What am I supposed to do

Oh

Going to cost me money

No

Oh

Yeah

Everything

You can have

Time of your life are you sure this is okay

I'm down here

Ulay

Do you like sexual

Yeah

For real

You can tell me how you want me to suck your cock

This is your time

Where can I buy

Yeah

Well good luck on the case thanks

I called and told him to come over to my office it was time for me to hear the legend of the malt

And you shall hear it

As you may already know the Maltese dildo

Isn't really Maltese at all

It was only for a long time by a wealthy gentleman of Malta

Then

After his death

Is a stateless sold

Disappeared it has too many hands to disappear

Get to the point Club

The Maltese dildo dates back to ancient Egypt

Time of the Pharaohs

It was said that it was commissioned by Caesar himself

Before going off on a long campaign

PS the high priest to design this dildo for the queen Cleopatra so that she might use it instead of the palace guards

Cleopatra

I brought you something

Satisfy your needs

Until I return

Oh Caesar

Come on to me

Show me your best

Part

Fletcher Juices Flow onto me

Did I may know your strength once more Before you depart

There's no time for that now my love there are 10,000 men waiting for me outside

But I brought you this special gift

Fulfill your needs

Until I return

The High Priestess

Doubt it with the powers of the Gods

If you've asked

And it's Aura and use it daily

It will make you more beautiful

I must take my leave now

Safe journey my king

What do you think

Maximus Queen more beautiful

That's the most incredible story ever heard

It is incredible indeed Mister low and that is why I must have the Maltese dildo for my fabulous collection of a

Veronica

I can understand that

Did you have the professor murdered

I'm a businessman so I abhor violence in Indianola forms

I can't continue this investigation of the cops breathing down my neck

Professor killed they may try to frame me just to take the heat off himself so they found a real killer

You just continue with you invest

Medication list

Aloha

I'll teach you

The police

And if it should become necessary why we simply give him Wally here

You wouldn't

Well water

Readme md

Have to do this

And I want you to know you've been like a son to me I couldn't be any fun of you if you were my son

But another son I could always

There's only one

Maltese

Meeting with black man that left me with a headache

Had a missing client a rich eccentric wanted me to find this crazy dildo

That pit Mendoza warning me not to find

In the police trying to involve me in The Disappearance and possible murder of a professor I never met

And I'm supposed to believe that this same dildo was once in Cleopatra

This case was a real mess

I was dealing with a bunch of weirdos

Hey man

Yeah how did you know

Guess

Excuse me

Places

She was the only one who hadn't shown up

The missing piece to the puzzle

The puzzle was far from

I hope you're not angry that I came over I was

Going to call but I'm scared that you wouldn't want to see me

Glory

Would you like a cup of coffee

Yes please

He came over here to find out information about your father I really can't help you

That's not why I came over

Storybooth

It was delivered to me last night

For my father

Handwriting

Assistant principal for a multi-skilled oh

Who is it

I'm sorry I could not contact

You sooner I know how worried you must be

I cannot risk having you know my whereabouts

Chill I'm sure it

There are those who might harm you for

Information

Please be assured that

And well

I'm very close to finding the most important discovery of my

My career

I shall contact you again as soon as poss

I think it's really strange that someone would want to harm me over a dildo

You telling me this

I'd like to show this to if you pee

People before you leave can you stay awhile

Sure

But first let me tell you why I'm here

1 suppose find out that my father's safe they're going to drop her investigation

And well

I need a private investigator to help me find him

McGregor coffee

Thank you call me more

And you're very nice man

Of course I'm a private eye

She had a cute little laugh and I can see that she can easily become have it for me

I called bluntman and the cops and why we waited for them to arrive we talked about all sorts of things

I had that feeling you get when two people click

Will you help me Mark

Sure I'm a sucker for a pretty face

Good

So I trusted the information you possess warrants my coming out at this ungodly hour

It does

Have a seat

You will

The money to live here

I know it's a sordid life that I'm used to it

Carry this I don't have all night

Neither do I

After I read the letter I knew I could just sit back

And watch the fight

I was wondering what bluntman would do

Nobody knew someone else may have found the dildo

Well I've given you enough of my time already

South America

And continue our search

Maltese

Sauces have informed me that this Lafia was seen recently in Rio

And I wouldn't be surprised young lady if your father was that too

I must take you to this charming little bit stroll off the Copacabana when we get the real

Come in gentlemen come in I was just leaving

Avoid

You cover the Spectre

From the lowest to the highest

Wasn't that day Mister Glassman

I'm impressed

You must want something pretty badly

And your neighbor

What's this about a letter

You sure this is your father's handwriting

Oh yes quite sure

Okay

How close is

This case

Still strikes me as a little strange

Professor

Just run off like that

Tell me something low

What is this

It's the stuff that wet dreams are made

Cypress Edwards

When they had all left

I realize the headache I had earlier had gone

Throbbing in my head had moved

2 below my waist

I was wondering what my next move should be

When she resolved the problem

May I Stay Awhile longer that is if you don't mind

I was hoping you would ask you can tell me about the

That you mentioned earlier

She certainly caught me by surprise

Sure I was the one being seduced again it was great

Anywhere you want

Well I didn't solve this case but I sure

You're at a hell of a good time trying and I still have the medicine

What does all this have to do with anything absolutely nothing

Just remember

Anything can happen in Hollywood