Original subtitles

[waves crashing]

[electric buzzing]

[eerie singing]

[somber piano melody]

[Nevaeh] Okay. So these are the rules.

You have to get from here to there

without touching the floor or the light.

All right, Bearbear, you can do this.

Just have to go slow, okay?

-[Chama panting] -[indistinct whispering]

You can do it, Bearbear. You just have to jump.

Okay, ready?

[indistinct whispering]

[Chama panting]

[whispering and panting fade]

[Chama] Sometimes I can feel the sky as it rotates.

It scatters my thoughts, creating this...

sound.

And it'll grow louder.

More aggressive.

Like two people fighting.

I look up and I know I can keep my shit together.

And then it rains.

[thunder cracking]

[rain pouring]

[Chama coughing]

[engine revving]

[engine sputtering]

[muffled sound of raindrops]

[raindrops tapping]

It's gonna stop, baby girl.

If it doesn't, I'll be the only kid in class

with an indoor swimming pool.

Ooh, que fancy.

You don't need a flood to stand out.

You've got grease all over your face.

Oh, yeah. You, like, totally got it now.

It looks all bad.

[Chama chuckles]

[Chama] It will grow louder.

The lights will turn off.

[car honking]

The roof will cave in.

[indistinct whispering]

Everything will fall apart.

[Chama panting]

And I wonder if you can hear me.

[panting continues]

[indistinct whispering]

[birds chirping]

[tense music playing]

[woman panting]

Don't let go.

Don't let go.

Please.

[mouthing]

[indistinct rambling]

Hold your hand.

No, don't let me. It's my fault. I did it.

Who's she talking to?

[woman talking in distance]

[Chama] Jesus.

[Nevaeh] Is he listening?

I don't know, baby girl.

[Nevaeh] Is she crazy?

I don't know, baby girl.

[woman shouting] You're on fire.

You set it on fire!

I'm holding your fucking hand,

fuck you, you fucking ugly fucker, fucker, fucker...

Hold your hand. I'm holding your hand.

[Chama panting]

[Chama sobbing]

[panting continues]

[Matias] You got lost, Chama, or what?

Where you going?

Don't be all nosy, Matias.

She has a job interview.

Oh, where at?

You my PO now or something?

[bus squeaking]

Look, it's, like, a good job opportunity, okay?

Gonna pay real good,

then you won't be seeing us no more.

Who names their kid Chama?

It's short for Elena.

-No, it isn't. -It is, if I say it is.

Anybody ever tell you you got spiders in your veins?

Anyone ever tell you to put on some shoes?

Come on, baby, get your bag.

[Matias] That you?

Yeah, that's me.

[Matias] Hey, good luck out there.

Let me see.

You're gonna lose everything if you don't close your backpack.

Come on. Got everything you need?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna be right here, waiting for you after school.

Really?

Yes, really.

Are you gonna give me shit today, too?

Come on.

-I love you. -I love you.

Have fun.

[school din]

[kids' voices echoing]

I remember being her age.

That's when I learned how to lie.

I used to tell teachers I was sick.

That's why I was missing school.

When I did go, I tried to blend in.

I brushed my hair,

cleaned my nails...

but inside I felt ants crawling up my skin.

I just wanted to grow up, so everything would be better.

Give me a chance.

I can do the work.

I can!

[man] I'm sure you can.

[Chama] Come on, quiz me. I know this shit.

When I was younger I used to watch

my abuelo tear cars apart.

He taught me literally everything.

I got an '85 Buick LeSabre I rebuilt.

Runs perfectly...

if it had a fuel pump.

But I can't get a new fuel pump

if I don't got a job and if I don't got a job...

Look.

I'm just trying to get back on my feet, okay?

I have a daughter.

Look, the economy's kicking my ass.

I'm just not hiring right now.

[melancholy music playing]

[bus humming]

[rock music playing]

[dog barks]

[cicadas buzzing]

[muffled rock music playing]

[door creaks]

[music gets louder]

[indistinct singing]

Abuelo used to say that if you find a black feather...

it's a warning.

[rock music intensifies]

[lighter clicks]

[muffled talking]

[lips smacking]

[melancholy piano music playing]

♪

[soft vocalization]

[rhythmic beeping]

[crickets chirping]

[vehicle humming]

♪

[siren wailing in the distance]

We made dinner.

There's some left in the fridge.

She's sleeping, Elena.

She's my daughter.

I know she's sleeping, okay?

Don't look at me like that.

-You're in my home. -That the state pays for.

I was robbed, okay?

Don't pretend like you care.

Because if you gave two shits,

you'd drive around and look for them.

Oh, I would drive around and look for your shoes?

Why would you ever want to look for the imaginary person

who stole your shoes, Elena?

[Chama] That's not my name.

Stop talking to me like a child.

[Mari] You know, Friday's her birthday.

I fucking know Friday's her birthday.

[Mari] If you weren't my sister--

[Chama] So, what? You'd go? So fucking go!

You are just like Mom.

One of these times...

they're gonna take her away.

Get the fuck out of my house.

Get the fuck out!

[objects clattering]

[annoyed sigh]

[plastic wrapper crinkling]

[Brahms' Lullaby playing]

[lullaby stops]

[peaceful music playing]

[coins rattling]

[nature din]

[Toaster] You know, I used to have this dream...

that I got, like, no face...

and I'm just a shadow,

floating over the desert.

And I got, like, this bag of hammers

and I'm just, like, chucking them at cows.

What do you think that means?

[Chama] That you need serious help.

Toaster always showed up when I needed her.

[upbeat music playing]

You can't just, like, open it.

-Why not? -You broke it.

Last year, Nevaeh loved red.

I think this year, she likes the color purple.

Like that Oprah movie about racism?

Balloons.

[plastic wrappers crinkling]

You never, like, look up your dreams

and find out what they mean?

I don't dream.

Every bitch dreams.

Come on, you probably just don't remember it.

[Chama] Mm-mm.

-[lighter clicking] -[Toaster gasps]

Maybe that's what I'll study when I go back to school.

Why Chama don't dream?

-Stupid. Siempre. -[Chama laughs]

-No. -[both laugh]

No, for serious.

I'm going back.

[Chama] Toaster is one of those bitches from the Heights.

She actually knew her father.

He'd buy her things.

She never worried about nothing.

Toaster was all cool.

And I wanted to be her.

She was a dreamer.

I'm going back.

My dad's gonna pay.

It's gonna be like it used to be, you know?

He's gonna be proud of me.

I don't know, maybe I'll be just, like...

some counselor, you know?

Like, help all these bitches out.

I could tell 'em what's up.

[Chama] Toaster always showed up when I needed her.

She'd help me fix everything.

[pensive music playing]

[Chama] I can make my daughter happy.

I can keep my shit together.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can make my daughter happy. I can make my daughter happy.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can keep my shit together. I can make my daughter happy.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can keep my shit together.

I can make my daughter happy.

I can keep my shit together.

[upbeat mariachi music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[playful screaming]

[kids chattering]

[music continues in background]

[muffled chattering]

Hey, baby girl, what's wrong?

I don't know.

Hey.

Don't let bullshit push you.

Sometimes I just want to hide, too.

Just, like, run away.

But everybody's already here,

so you might as well just take all their presents.

You were born two months early, you know why?

[Nevaeh] Hmm?

Because you were so excited to meet your mama.

And I was to meet you.

There she is.

You're my baby girl, you're all I got.

[Nevaeh] You're all I got.

I hope that's not true.

Go on. Have fun, it's your birthday.

[music getting louder]

[people chattering]

♪

[children screaming]

[sounds distort and echo]

[indistinct whispering]

[Chama] I can keep my shit.

[Chama gasping]

[child crying]

[Mari] Elena?

[Chama panting]

[girl screaming]

[mariachi music resumes]

[knocking on door]

[Mari] Elena, are you in there?

[phone ringing]

[Mari] Come on. Open up.

-[knocking on door] -[Mari] Elena.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

You did all right-- good, okay?

Not out here to talk shit.

Hey.

[knocking on door]

Let's just go out and sing.

Look, you know what?

You don't get to do this.

Not today, this isn't about you.

You think you're so special

and that nobody else matters, but guess what?

They do.

[keys jangling]

[tense music playing]

[Mari] Somebody help me!

Somebody help!

Now!

[music fades]

[Shorty] I know what you all are thinking.

Shit gets all fucked.

But that's just the way it goes.

I had this one bitch try to tell me,

"If you just got a real job, everything would be all right."

Bitch! I have a felony.

Who's gonna hire me? Who's gonna teach me?

All I know is selling dope, hustling.

That's all anyone was willing to show me.

So, with four little brothers at home, yeah,

I was gonna hustle to buy them food and, yeah,

I was gonna smoke to forget everything I had done.

And yeah.

Shit's gonna get fucked.

[hospital gurney rattling]

[somber music playing]

[Chama] I was once a little girl.

Trying to keep my sister safe.

I thought it would all work out.

-[gasping] -[Beatriz speaks indistinctly]

[Chama] I used to run to Abuelo's.

He showed me how to fix things.

You showed me how to break them.

[gravel crackling]

[Beatriz] You fucking took them, huh?

Let's go.

[Chama] You drove around with bottles on the floor.

Your music turned up.

You'd smoke a full pack,

but you still smelled like roses.

-[car honking] -[girl screaming]

[Chama] We cried as you pulled the glass out of our skin.

[Beatriz panting]

[young Mari crying]

[Chama] I am my mother's daughter.

[man] Elena.

[doctor] Can you tell me what you were doing?

You're lucky to be alive.

If it hadn't been for the Narcan you'd be dead...

you probably wouldn't be here right now.

How much do you normally use?

Was it an accident or was it intentional?

[Chama groaning softly]

It's a selfish act,

especially when you're pregnant.

[tense music playing]

You didn't know?

♪

[siren wailing in distance]

[upbeat Spanish song on radio]

[cicadas buzzing]

[Chama] I was 21.

I'd work on cars, because...

what else am I gonna do?

[music continues]

[Chama] It was also the last time I used a needle.

Nobody knew.

I was quiet.

But I always seemed in control.

[Santi] You're doing it all wrong.

You should be cranking it the other way, you know?

I'm tightening the tensioner.

Going clockwise, so the nut can do its job.

That's what's up.

You know, I see you.

You was down at Chopay's the other day.

Looking all cool and shit.

I see you and I want to holler at you, mija.

Why?

Because you look like you need someone to.

So what it is?

Can I help you start it or what?

[romantic guitar music playing]

[both breathing heavily]

[Chama] Santi was all bad.

Smelled like hairspray and sweat.

Reminded me of Abuelo.

Know how many times he lost?

Five.

[Chama] He worshiped boxing

and the boxers who wouldn't quit.

Know how many times he's got back up and won?

59, baby!

He just sticks out his tongue and he knows no matter

where he grow up, no matter how he grow up,

what he could do, you know what I mean?

He says,

"Hey, pass me the ball, pass me the bills.

[speaking indistinctly]

Albuquerque.

Up to you, champ. Albuquerque.

I'm still the champ.

Hey, Grandma, Grandpa, I'm still your champ!"

[Chama] I'd tattoo him on my body.

And he promised to never let me get sick.

We'd get a house together.

I'd get pregnant. Stop using.

I'd worship him, because he gave me Nevaeh.

She'd be born at home, just like I was.

He'd play the guitar for our daughter.

He wasn't very good, but I didn't know any better.

Then he was gone.

I was alone.

And seven years later...

[music playing on radio]

[radio crashing]

[crickets chirping]

[man] I need you to nod your head

that you understand what's going on.

It's in your best interest.

An investigator from CPS is gonna sit down

-with your daughter. -[Chama] No.

You're going to scare her.

[man] She's already scared.

We've got a house full of love,

you don't even know.

[man] Do you have a contact number for her father?

What do you think he's gonna do?

You just want to take away my baby.

[man] Our intention is never to remove a child

from their home.

Unless we feel the child is in danger.

Do I look dangerous?

[indistinct chatter]

[man] The situation at the party--

-Was an accident! -[bangs hand on table]

It was-- it was--

[muffled crying]

It was an accident.

It's never gonna happen again.

[man] Do you understand why we're here?

[Chama stomping on floor]

[Chama] Hey, baby girl. Hey.

[Chama sniffling]

It's okay.

Here.

Hey, Bearbear.

I'm sorry. I messed up.

Everything's gonna go back to normal.

[pen scratching on paper]

Will you stop writing down everything I say?

[pen scratching continues]

Come here.

-I love you. -I love you.

[droning music playing]

[Chama screaming]

[church bell ringing]

Fuck them, no?

Fuck them for judging us.

You're a good mother.

I just wanna cry.

But nothing's coming out.

[Toaster] They don't know shit.

What's wrong with me, Toaster?

[chuckling]

What are you doing, Chama?

You think you got, like, a choice, really?

A la maquina, dummy. Not even.

Okay, when we was, like, born...

let's say God, yeah, God.

You know, God was like...

"I'm gonna make this child super smart.

And then this one?

This one is gonna be dumb as crackers.

And then this one? Oh, you know what?

That one is gonna get a fucking mental illness,

hell yeah, because that'll be fucking fun, no?

And this one.

This one's gonna have ADHD, hell yeah!

And this one, just for shits and giggles,

let's give it leukemia, right?

Because, you know, life needs more hurdles.

And this one? Yeah, this one.

This one gets an addictive personality.

And that one doesn't."

This is us.

We gotta fucking fight until we win.

We're fucking rebels, no?

And we're gonna take care of all of it.

Just not today.

[door creaking]

[distorted rock music playing]

[pensive music playing]

I want my baby.

[bus humming]

-I want my baby. -[Toaster] It's okay.

-Shh. -I want my baby.

Shh, can you just, like, think it

instead of saying it out loud?

I want my baby!

And I would like her to shut the fuck up!

What the fuck you say?

No, it's okay.

You can, like, say that one more time.

Just shut her up.

Do you know what the fuck my friend has been through?

You want her to shut the fuck up?

Just go back to your seat.

Go back to my seat?

I'll stand here if I want to.

You're drunk.

What'd you say?

You fucking stink, you're drunk.

-[man groans] -[punches landing]

[man] Fuck! Get this crazy bitch off me!

[Toaster screaming] Fuck you!

[man] Fuck!

-[man] Fuck! -[Toaster screaming] Fuck you!

[Santi] Look at this place, mija.

That's what you dreamed of.

We can put my mother's papal cross right here.

-[Santi] Mm-hmm. -Yeah?

[Santi] Mm-hmm.

Maybe, like, a painting right there?

[Santi] You could put up two.

[Chama] What do you think?

What do you think?

Oh, and-- oh, I have this doll collection

that my mother found outside a dumpster in the mall.

-[Santi] Really? -It's in perfect condition.

Well, like, perfect condition for, like, the dumpster,

but I've always wanted to display it.

Where you gonna put it up?

-What do you think? -[Santi chuckles]

[Santi] Are you happy or what?

[ambient music playing]

[Chama] I wanted a miracle.

And I got one.

I didn't need anything else.

♪

[birds chirping]

[Gata] My husband was at home with my daughter.

I was at the long bar with my friends.

Boyfriend.

We were all fucked up.

Breaking vows...

and I fell.

Cracked my fucking tailbone.

I put one of those blue ice packs on it.

It broke.

Dyed my ass blue.

So, I go home smelling like turpentine...

with a serious fucking injury,

a blue ass...

all the while,

I was just supposed to be picking up dinner.

♪ Lord take me home, take me home ♪

♪ 'Cause I need somewhere to go ♪

♪ My pockets are empty ♪

♪ And so is my soul ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, take me home, take me home ♪

["Broke" by Feedback Revival playing]

♪ Well I got soul coming out my ears ♪

♪ But I ain't got cash to put gas in my pick up ♪

♪ Pick up, well I got dreams but I also got fears ♪

♪ Which one will win I cannot tell ♪

♪ The good King Jesus or the hounds of hell ♪

♪ I said I ain't got no money... ♪

[faint music playing]

[door creaks and buzzes]

[Mrs. Dyer] Look who finally decided to show up.

I was out looking for a present for my dad.

I don't know what to get him.

Maybe another World War Two book

with the card inside that says, "Happy birthday.

We got nothing in common."

-[Mrs. Dyer sniffs] -[Nick] What?

You know your jacket smells?

You ever wash it?

It's not like it touches my ass,

I'm not, like, farting in it...

all the time.

Oh, come on, that was funny.

You know, you really should laugh more.

Especially here.

[door creaks and buzzes]

Not sure if I'm supposed to be here.

[Mrs. Dyer] If you're standing there, you probably are.

But we don't detox.

I'm clean.

[Mrs. Dyer] We're full up.

Plus, it's 3:00 PM.

We don't take anyone past noon.

[Chama] This is the third place I've tried today.

What's worse than being invisible?

Being seen as disposable.

[electric buzzing]

[melancholy music playing]

[Chama] I go to the hospital.

Be responsible. Get checked.

Dose.

I want to rip off my skin.

The way she looks at me.

Does she need to double up?

The nurse. The fucking nurse.

I'm dirty. Disgusting.

She doesn't see me.

She'll check my chart.

She'll know what I've done.

[objects clattering]

[knocking on door]

[door creaking open]

[indistinct whispering]

[toilet flushing]

[Santi] I told you last time I wanted to sell you,

you know what I mean?

I just didn't like the way y'all went out like that.

[man] I know you got something.

[Santi] Nah, not this time.

[indistinct conversation]

[indistinct fighting]

[man] Fuck you up. Fucking kill you.

This shit ain't over.

♪

[Chama] Santi, what did you do?

Keep your fucking mouth shut.

[music fades]

[Chama panting]

[Chama crying]

[Chama panting]

[Chama shivering]

[Chama vomiting]

[Chama panting]

[Chama groaning]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Chama groaning]

[groaning continues]

[Chama coughing]

[knocking on door]

Who's there?

[Toaster] What are you doing, Chama?

Toaster.

You gotta go away.

[Chama panting]

Go away!

[Chama] Toaster.

Toaster!

[Toaster] I thought you wanted me to leave.

[sobbing] No, no.

[crying]

I'm all alone.

[Toaster] Remember when we first met?

We were working at some old folks' home

and making food and shit.

Yeah.

We both hated the way old people were treated.

Like they were a nuisance.

Like they chose to be old and shit.

[Toaster] You thought I was like your sister and shit.

You got all mad.

[lighter clicking]

[fire crackling]

♪

[Chama groaning]

[Toaster] You know what the worst part is?

All of it.

[Toaster] When you're out, Chama.

You start smoking the crumbs.

I've seen you do it.

You're a dummy.

You smoke the crumbs and then more.

Then you put Selena on full blast.

But it's not the same as when you kiss it.

-Put it in. -[screaming] No, shut up!

[Toaster] Open up.

[Chama] No. No!

[banging on door]

[Toaster] I've got something for you, Chama.

No!

[music intensifies]

[Chama panting]

[Chama] I'll do better, I'll do better,

I'll do better, I'll do better,

I promise I'll do better.

[indistinct arguing]

[woman] You lied. You lied.

[indistinct, overlapping voices]

[woman sobbing incoherently]

No, don't-- don't move, don't move.

Is it cold? Is it cold down there?

Please hold on to my hand. Oh, my God.

[woman sobbing]

[heavy metal music playing]

[Chama] Toaster.

Are you fucking with me?

What are you doing, Chama?

[man's voice muffled] Hey.

[speaking indistinctly]

-Don't you? -No, sorry.

I only got a couple of bucks.

[man speaking indistinctly]

Come on. Please.

Come on. Come on. Please.

Come on. Come on. Come on, please.

[silence]

[Chama] I've been talking to you and not once,

through everything, have you said anything back.

Are you not there?

Can you not hear me?

[tape rolling]

[music box lullaby playing]

[baby crying]

♪

[distant thud]

Nine months.

[sighs]

Clean.

Look at your arms.

You're a worthless fucking...

junkie.

Why don't you just kill yourself?

[panting]

Or you could...

go.

Grab your daughter...

and get out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

[baby crying]

Get the fuck out of here.

Police department, don't move!

Police department!

[baby crying]

[suspenseful music plays]

[Santi exclaims]

[Santi grunts]

[reel stops]

[Nell] You wanna know the... [chuckles]

...two worst words in the English vocabulary?

What if... [chuckles]

...um, what if...

my dad was the president?

Or what if...

um, my mom...

actually wanted me?

What if...

I was born in London,

or...

or Ireland?

Lived on a farm far away?

[chuckles]

What if when I ate food

I could keep it down,

like, that wasn't even a thought, you know?

[chuckles]

What if they didn't say...

it was all my fault?

Make up lies about me?

[sniffs]

What if he came to get me?

[chuckles]

You know where I'm at?

You know, what if I didn't have to ask what if?

[chuckles]

[soft music plays]

♪

Can't.

♪ Please don't say anything ♪

♪ Anything at all ♪

Look, I've-- I've been calling

over and over and no-- nobody will tell me nothing!

♪ The silence says it all ♪

♪ Blood running through my veins ♪

Where is she?

Don't worry, [indistinct]

[Chama] No, don't-- don't hang up.

I just-- I want to know where she is.

♪ For that call ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[Chama] Can't.

[Toaster] Come on!

What the-- what the fuck?

We need help!

Who's gonna help us?

Who? Who, who, who?

-I don't know, I just-- -[Toaster] Say it. What?

-Say it! What are you, dumb? -I feel like--

Who's gonna help us?

-Who's gonna help us? -I don't know!

I don't know!

-We need help. -[Toaster] Who's gonna help us?

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't-- I feel-- I feel--

I feel like I wanna rip my hair out.

I wanna tear my skin off

and walk away from this shit

I feel all the time!

[Toaster laughs]

♪ Don't leave me don't leave me ♪

♪ Don't leave me don't leave me ♪

[Toaster] What?

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

You just gonna stumble off?

You gonna stumble right back.

No one gives a shit.

We ain't stupid.

We know there's nothing else.

Where are you going?

Where are you going, Chama?

[eerie music plays]

[screaming]

[Chama] When Abuelo died, I ran away.

[screaming]

[Chama] Which brought me right back to you.

[screaming]

[Beatriz] Do you want them to think you're loca?

Because that's what they're gonna say, hm?

Look at that crazy, going around losing it.

[bell tolling]

It's not fair. I don't want Abuelo to go.

You think anyone cares about what you want?

Your sister's not gonna live with us anymore.

Her father wants her.

Take her back to Texas and I'm too fucking tired

to keep fighting him.

-[crow squawking] -Just us now.

Don't be mad at what it is because we're just paying

for something we did in another life.

Here, drink this.

Not too much.

Just enough to make you feel better.

[sniffs]

[thud]

[serene music plays]

♪

[nurse] I thought you looked thirsty, mama.

Chart's looking like you're eight weeks along.

Someone talk to you about your options?

It's okay, mama, take your time.

[sniffs]

Thank you.

[nurse] You think you gotta keep it yourself,

but you don't.

I don't know what direction you gonna go with this pregnancy,

but we can help you safely transition.

Detox that stuff out your system.

Or you can continue your way.

You got two options here.

First, you leave, then there's the second one.

[Chama] I know I'll see her face again.

The bedpost.

The ceiling.

The mole.

The itch.

-[woman] Did you hear that? -[Chama coughs]

[indistinct whispering]

[Chama] I know I'll see her face again.

[machine beeping]

The bedpost. The ceiling.

The mole. The itch.

[indistinct whispering]

[music intensifies]

[Chama] I know I'll see her face again.

The bedpost. The ceiling. The mole.

You're looking better.

[Chama] I know I'll see her face again.

I know I'll see her face again.

[woman] You're looking better.

I know I'll see her face again.

[woman] You're looking better.

I know I'll see her face again!

[phone ringing]

First time here?

They think we're all crazy. [chuckles]

Kind of makes me wanna pop their eye out.

[exclaims] I'm Nell.

[woman speaks indistinctly on radio]

Chama.

[Nell] Like the town.

Chama, New Mexico.

[elevator bell dings]

Everything is out to beat us,

but I'm just biding my minutes 'til I get into Guadalupe.

Is this your first time?

Sixth.

[indistinct over radio]

See you later.

[phone rings]

[machine beeping]

[Chama] Bedpost.

Ceiling.

Boredom.

Itch.

Not as sick.

[machine beeping]

[Shorty] I was in my Grandma's double-wide

playing with her cat.

Her neighbor stopped over and asked

if I wanted to try something.

I was like, "How does it feel?"

He was like, "Don't be a baby. Just try it."

So I smoked meth out of a light bulb.

I was like, "I don't even feel anything."

Then it was days later

and there was no concept of where time went.

All I know is Grandma's cat was dead

and I missed my 16th birthday.

[click]

[comedic music plays]

I was just thinking how fucking awesome life is.

I know. We have clothes and groceries.

Mom's not snorting dust off the carpet

and we have college funds.

I'm so glad you're not fuck ups like Tina's kids.

They smell like garbage.

You're also lucky to have a house with a working heater.

Do people live without a heater?

Oh, yes.

Because usually those people

are fucking strangers for coke.

-Hey, Nick. -[Nick] Hello.

[phone rings]

Bring back a chicharrón?

[Nick] Huh?

Are you even New Mexican?

Born and raised.

You're as New Mexican as Taco Bell green chili.

There, you see? You do have jokes.

They're not necessarily good, but...

[buzzing]

["Big Black Tooth" by Feedback Revival playing]

♪ I'm gettin' better, gettin' better all the time ♪

[Nick] Hey, hey, hold up.

Hold up. You got a place to go?

Yeah, sure.

[Nick] There's other spots you can try.

Yeah, everyone's really rolling out the red carpet these days.

-[indistinct screaming] -[glass breaking]

[Nick] Francis, don't.

Come on, Francis.

[Francis] 'Cause I ain't got nothing left!

[Nick] Please, will you just go inside?

Francis.

[Mrs. Dyer] People come and go.

If you want it, you want it.

If you don't, don't take someone else's bed.

There's a box of donated clothes in the corner.

[Nell] Looks like you made it.

Look...

I don't know what I'm doing.

Are you on anything?

No, I'm clean.

Plus, I don't even got any money.

Has that ever stopped you before?

Whatever.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

[Nick chuckles]

I'm sorry.

[Chama sighs]

Why are you here?

Because I need to get my daughter back.

Because I need to be normal.

You know what that word means?

The usual, the average,

the typical state or condition.

What's normal to you?

I don't know.

[Nick] Think about it.

Two girls drinking at a party.

One stops when it's empty.

For the other, it never ends.

So you want to be able to drink--

No!

I don't fucking need this shit.

Look, it don't have to be easy,

but just, like, fair, you know?

Nothing in life is fair.

[Chama] We'll see.

What do you know about it?

I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 30.

My parents won't talk to me.

My first boyfriend ended in assault

and my last one cheated on me.

I would love a drink,

but I haven't had one in 12 years.

Nothing in life is fair, nothing is normal.

But there's beauty if you fight to see it.

-You're gay? -[Nick chuckles]

That's what you took away from that?

You know what I did when I first got sober?

I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

[Nick] I wrote a moment on each of those.

The moments that got me down, the ones that kept me going.

Everything, leading up 'til now.

Sounds like a lot of triggers.

When you're done,

stick 'em on that wall.

What happened when you were born?

I tried to kill myself.

There you go.

Start from the beginning.

[deep inhale]

[Chama] Cord wrapped around my neck.

It was my first struggle.

[intense music plays]

This world.

School.

I failed.

If I can fix cars I can fix anything.

My mother's new boyfriend.

-My new boyfriend. -[panting]

He called me beautiful, ugly.

[Santi] Look at this place, mija.

[Chama] [indistinct]

[Santi] This is what you dreamed of.

[Mari] You gave me no fucking choice

and you have to live with it!

You did this, Elena.

[Chama] Transforming.

[Santi] Shut your fucking mouth.

[Chama] Santi. A dealer.

My first kiss.

Curious. [indistinct]

[indistinct ruminating]

[Chama] Play the same song over and over.

I stuck a needle in my veins.

My sister listened to me.

My sister wouldn't ask if I came home.

Abuelo used to say

that if you find a black feather...

it's a warning.

[woman] Come on, come on, we don't have much time.

[Chama] I love you.

I love you, I love you.

[indistinct ruminating]

-[Santi grunts] -[screaming]

[Toaster] Where are you going, Chama?

You broke it!

[Chama] I am my mother's lost sisters.

[indistinct, overlapping ruminating]

-The dealer. -[car horn honks]

Scared.

[serene music plays]

Always felt like home here.

-The river. -It's dirty.

Half the time it doesn't even have water.

You find what it is you were looking for?

-Don't be like that. -Like what, Chama?

Like your mother?

What else have you got?

Your Abuelo used to say, "I don't need a watch--

I got the river."

If you leave...

I don't ever want to see you again.

[Chama] I wish I would've put my arms around you.

One last time.

I wish I would have held you, felt you,

smelled that lipstick.

I wish I would have been home when they found you.

I hated you.

I blamed you.

I skipped your funeral and Mari hated me.

But I pretend in that last moment...

you saw something beautiful.

[Nell] I used to be married.

He's famous, I can't tell you who it was.

[Chama] Okay.

I was independent though.

Yeah, I loved to work.

I ran five restaurants.

I mean, most people only, like, oversee one.

Wanna know how many I ran?

-[Chama] Five? -Five!

Yeah, they respected me.

You know, like...

I wasn't a bitch to them or anything

if that's what you're thinking,

but I was the boss.

You should see the way they looked at me

when I walked into a Chili's.

[Chama] Nell likes to talk.

-[Nell speaking indistinctly] -[Chama] A lot.

She says she first tried heroin at age ten.

Given to her by a neighbor.

She told her father, who went to her and beat her.

She started cutting her knuckles in high school,

but her sister found out and threw away the razors.

All her friends worked at a local Chili's.

Nell claims she did, too.

She goes on and on and on about it.

I just want to scrub a toilet in peace.

Yeah, I don't really like Chili's.

Oh, you're one of those...

Applebee's motherfuckers?

[Nell chuckles]

Anyways I was doing really well, you know?

My husband was like...

[rhythmic vibration]

[snoring]

[rhythmic vibration continues]

[snoring]

Okay, let's check in.

It's a cloudy day out there today.

What's that make everyone think of?

[siren wailing in distance]

Rain.

Makes me think of my son playing in the puddles.

[Lucy] Sweaters.

I hate t-shirts and short pants.

How about you, Gata?

Go fuck yourself.

That's what my ma used to always say.

Clouds remind me of her.

Every time I'd mess up...

like, when she'd catch me slipping.

"Great...

go fuck yourself, Gata."

First time I came here,

-Nick suggested that I say-- -Go love yourself.

Yeah, so now...

when I think about my ma...

it's like...

Go love yourself, Gata.

Go love yourself back.

[Nick sighs]

Ow!

[car horns honking]

Well, I did it, because I wanted to.

Um...

I climbed out of the second story window

at my parents' house and, um, I jumped.

[chuckles] Probably broke, like, two bones.

[clears throat] But, you know, he was--

he was older, uh...

he liked me, uh, everyone liked me.

[chuckles]

And, um, I wanted to see him.

So, yeah, we got a little strung out...

and, uh...

well, I woke up in a trailer

with four men...

that I didn't know.

I don't even think they knew my name.

[Nell laughs]

I had to take Clonazepam, so I wouldn't get seizures.

But one night after my husband got rough...

I took too many and OD'd.

This spark plug is fried.

[Gata] I got arrested in middle school.

Sent to Las Nunes.

He ordered a youth diagnostic.

I spent Christmas in jail.

When I got out of the hospital...

the doctor...

prescribed me Clonazepam.

[Gata] But I liked jail.

No one was gonna molest me there.

[Shorty] People always ask what's your favorite number.

I always thought that was a dumbass question.

Favorite color I get...

but it's not like you're gonna decorate your house

in multiples of seven.

But I'm a survivor of suicide.

I tried to kill myself eight times.

I know I won't live to see nine.

So eight.

That's my favorite.

Okay. Should be good.

-[hood slams shut] -Wow, nice.

Thanks.

♪

[whispering indistinctly]

♪

[Chama] I've already been transferred six times.

Does anyone actually work there?

Hello?

Coke?

Mostly opiates.

Mm, no, do you want a Coke?

-Yeah, Sprite. -Okay.

[cans opening]

[slurping]

I never worked at Chili's.

[chuckles]

They wouldn't hire me.

Maybe you should have tried Applebee's.

[chuckling]

[rhythmic vibration]

He was a penguin, but he was cold all the time,

so he wore a hat

and a little muffler around his neck.

-Nobody? -[chuckling]

I don't really know what's going on with my head.

-I don't know. -Okay.

All right, we're starting.

-Where's Nell at? -[Nick sighs]

She left.

And if she left...

-[phone hangs] -[dialing]

[phone ringing]

[operator] Please hang up and try your call again.

I've called CPS a million times,

and all I get is the run around.

-[Nick] They're busy. -Whose side you on?

They won't even let me see her, Nick.

I gotta see her.

You will.

-[phone hangs] -[dialing]

[phone ringing]

Hey, it's me. Don't hang up.

[Mrs. Dyer] If you check out, you come back by 8:00 PM.

If you come back by 8:00 PM, you take a test.

Anything you bring back will be searched.

Anything on the list will be confiscated.

That includes mouthwash.

Don't think we're not wise on mouthwash.

-[birds chirping] -[door clicks open]

-[engine roars] -[door clicks closed]

[serene music plays]

♪

[siren wailing in distance]

[bell rings]

We're closed.

That's okay.

I don't got any money.

I have somewhere to be.

Can't get caught up in you right now.

I'm not in any trouble.

Well, you know what I mean.

I heard you've been checking up on Nevaeh.

Yeah. I understand.

You're incognizant, you don't give a shit.

I have enough of my own problems to worry about.

I can't be your broken record.

[keys jingling]

Mari.

I got shoes on.

[engine roars]

[Chama] I keep thinking about Toaster.

What she told me.

We gotta fight until we fucking win.

[bus hissing]

[distorted music plays]

♪

[engine roars]

[Gata] Don't look at me like that.

[Shorty] She's taking a shit. She'll be--

Where are you taking us Nick? Disneyland?

Yeah, right, I bet he's gonna take us to an NA meeting.

[Lucy] Yeah, I'd be down for that.

[Shorty] Come on.

-Let's go to Splash Mountain. -[Lucy] Yep, yep!

Come on, Gata. Smile for me.

Here's your smile, Shorty.

[Shorty] Don't be like that. Just one. Don't be like that!

All right. Everybody in.

[Shorty] Hey, what about Chama?

[Gata] Yeah, where's Chama at?

[car door slams shut]

[Lucy] It's fucking hot in here.

[Shorty] Come on, girl.

[Chama] I like the sun on my face.

It calms the pounding in my chest.

I wonder where we're going.

If Nick really gets it.

I told him the truth.

About the doctor. That I'm scared.

♪

The sun feels bright on my face.

[car door clattering]

Take this over Magic Kingdom.

Damn, this shit's no joke.

Come on, Lucy.

[car door slams shut]

[wind whooshing]

There are thousands of women that can't have kids.

And God's got jokes.

You want this baby?

But I don't deserve either of them.

My first boyfriend ended in assault.

Yeah, uh...

I wasn't the victim.

I was 18.

High.

Made a terrible decision,

ended up hurting the one person that I truly loved.

Spent some time locked up, hating myself.

Yeah, that never really goes away.

But if you can turn guilt,

hate into something else...

you can do something for the world

that's beyond yourself.

[wind whooshing]

We're at the bottom of a hill.

Can you climb?

[crickets chirping]

[knocking on door]

-[door clicks open] -[upbeat rock music plays]

[serene music plays]

♪

[indiscernible whispering]

[screaming]

[whispering continues]

[sighs]

[whispering continues]

♪

[panting]

[both panting]

The 15th.

Next Friday.

You'll get to see your daughter.

[both panting]

[shouting]

[Gata panting]

[Chama] My name isn't really Chama.

I saw this postcard once of a mother and daughter

standing outside Chama, New Mexico.

I wanted to live in that postcard.

I talk to my mom.

And tell her things...

but not in real life...

because this reality took her away.

I talk to her, because I got to try

to understand my scars...

and not just pick at my scabs.

I've been through a lot of shit.

I've put people through...

a lot more.

It's not fair.

But like Nick says...

"Nothing is fair...

nothing is normal."

What have I done?

What am I doing?

If I'm not Chama, then...

who am I?

[wind whooshing]

I'm an addict.

I've slept on the streets, but...

I'm not homeless.

I'm terrified.

[soft string instrumental plays]

We need help.

I will help.

♪

I'm here...

and I will be a mother.

I am a mother.

♪

[door creaks open]

[serene music plays]

♪

[sobbing]

[sniffs]

♪

[soft music plays]

♪

[sighs]

[bus engine winds down]

[bus doors open]

[engine revs]

[music intensifies]

[singing in Spanish]

♪

♪ Flower of the flowers flowers from above ♪

♪ Today and forever, know you have my love ♪

♪ Flower of the flowers flowers from above ♪

♪ Today and forever, know you have my love ♪

[singing in Spanish]

♪

-[woman] Love you, Peggy. -[girl] Love you, Mama.

["I Remember You" by Weedrat plays]

♪ You came into my life ♪

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ Like you've always been ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Came into my life ♪

♪ And it became clear to me ♪

♪ Like you've always been ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪

♪ You came into my life ♪

♪ And it became clear to me ♪

♪ That you'd always be ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ I remember you I remember you ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

[music ends]