Original subtitles

[bright tone]

[sneaky music]

- ♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely ♪

- [coughs] - ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad, and lonely. ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- I can't believe that you're my father.

You rip off insurance companies

and you sold fraudulent sperm.

You're a con man.

- First of all, that sperm was top-notch.

Secondly, the preferred term is "grifter."

- It doesn't matter.

Either way, you're on the other side of the law from me.

- Listen, shamus, good guys always need bad guys

just like sons always need fathers.

- Bullshit.

- You're living in a soft dream, kid.

It's the way the world works; cops and robbers,

cowboys and Indians, white people and coloreds.

- Oh, my God! Are you even Jewish

or a member of Mensa?

- I'm black Irish and a member of AAA.

Look, maybe it was a mistake to call you,

but you and your sister came after me, remember?

I thought this is what you wanted.

- About my sister, are you sure you were

the only one who provided sperm to the sperm bank?

You didn't have any friends help out?

- Oh, no, it was a solo operation.

It almost killed me.

I have a strong libido, but not that strong.

I went through cases of vitamin E.

- I have to go.

- What--uh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, kid. Wait.

I'm sorry, I know I'm a disappointment to you,

but for what it's worth, you seem like the kind of son

a father could be proud of.

I mean, you're a little on the short side,

but other than that, you have a lot going for you.

♪ ♪

Kids. [grunts]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- [exhales]

- Oh, Ray.

What is going on? It's almost midnight.

- Is Spencer home? - Yeah, he's 14 months old.

Of course he's home. Just come--okay.

- Spencer! - Come on in.

- It's not good for a parent to put

a lot of pressure on their-- on their kid,

but you're all I've got, you know?

You'll never let me down, right?

No matter what,

you'll still love me, right?

[sighs]

- [crying]

- I can't believe you used wood glue.

- Well, when I get home, I'm gonna yank out

each hair as penance for your-- for your broken nose.

Like a hair shirt, but on my face.

As a matter of fact...

Ow, God! - Oh, oh.

- Oh, oh, that hurt. - Oh, Dad.

Dad, stop it. - [moans]

- I forgive you.

I loved your song. - Oh, oh, thank you.

- And Bernard forgives you. - Yes, I do.

- Huh. - And I can't wait till Friday.

- Oh, good. Wh-what's Friday?

- City Hall!

We're eloping, just the two of us.

- Oh.

- George, learn from your mistakes.

No judging. - No, sorry.

Sorry, it's just--

well, a father hopes he can see his daughter off, that's all.

- Well, but you weren't at my first wedding.

- Your first wedding?

- Don't feel left out, George. My parents aren't coming.

Of course, they're both dead,

but they would've understood.

- Right, well...

Hey, how 'bout I throw you a beautiful wedding

at George on Jane?

Food and music. No alcohol.

- I would love that. - Oh, good.

- Ohh. - [chuckles]

So...

Uh, when were you married before?

- Oh, it was during my S&M phase.

It wasn't legal, just a blood ritual,

so I didn't tell you about it.

- Oh, good, good, good, good.

Was there a lot of blood?

- Enough.

- I can't believe you committed incest.

It's worse than my elder love.

- Did you wear a condom? - Yes! Yes.

- Good, because you inbreeding is scary

and weird enough as it is already.

- Should I tell Rose?

She's the first girl I've liked in a long time,

and I know what diseases we're genetically prone to:

throat cancer and colitis.

- Look, you have to break up with her immediately.

And... [sighs]

I need all your attention now that

Leah doesn't wanna marry me.

- I'm so sorry about this, Ray. - It's okay.

At least I have Spencer.

He'll meet all my emotional needs.

A bond between a father and son is...

is enough for me.

- Hey, don't rub it in.

Because of Bergeron, I slept with my sister.

I hate my biological father.

- Listen, don't say that.

What if Spencer said that about me?

You gotta give this creep a second chance.

- But he's a crook and I'm a lawman.

- I don't care.

You have to go talk to this guy, 'cause if you don't,

it could haunt you for the rest of your life.

- Can you come with me to Coney Island to see him?

- I can't.

It's the year anniversary of Super Ray,

and I've got a signing at Bergen Street Comics.

[phone ringing] - Oh, hold on.

Uh, hi.

- What's going on?

What did you learn about the sperm bank?

- Uh, nothing. It was a red herring.

Another dead end. - Oh.

Damn.

- Hey, I'm with a really tormented friend

who's having a lot of problems. Can I call you back?

- Oh, okay.

- Bye.

- Who was that?

- My beautiful sister.

- I knew it. God!

Look, if you can't break it off with her,

at least wear condoms.

This is Brooklyn after all. - Yeah.

- Josephine, I am so sorry I ran out on you last night.

I--but it is my M.O.,

even when I'm not stoned and playing Don Quixote.

- It's a lousy M.O.

I don't like it.

- I tried to tell you this.

My relationships are like crimes.

I-I get in, I steal something, and I leave.

- What do you steal?

- Love.

I don't mean to.

It's what I do.

- I think I'm finally hearing you.

- No, no, but wait.

I-I'm saying this to you because I want to transform.

Josephine, I'm a 63-year-old work in progress,

but I am falling for you.

- George.

- You know, I-I think that we should take this

to the next level.

I think we should be monogamous.

- I thought we were.

- Of course we are. [laughs]

You are such a card.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Well, the prodigal son has returned.

I always wanted to say that. It's a classic.

- Are you leaving?

- Yeah, I'm headed for Jacksonville.

They've got a lot of syphilitic halfwits down there.

It's an easy place to score.

- Well, why are you going? Is it because of me?

- No, no. I, uh-- I'm on the lam.

I got in bad with some groundskeepers,

gambling problem.

- So it's serious with these groundskeepers?

- Nothing I can't handle by running away.

- But no, I came here to forgive you.

I wanna know my father. - Damn.

Look, I'm in kind of a rush,

but I got time maybe for one question.

What do you wanna know?

- Uh...

Do you have any hobbies?

Shit, that's the worst question possible.

I don't know. - No, no, no, it's good.

I saw on your card that you're a writer.

I scribble.

You probably got that from me. - Really?

You like to write?

- Yes, I used to pen a lot of the letters

for "Penthouse" forum.

It was a great side gig with the insurance fraud,

but then the Internet came in

and destroyed literary pornography.

God damn it.

- My other dad had those hidden in his closet.

I must have read your work. - A lot of people have.

- Wow.

- Listen, I want you to have something

to remember me by.

Uh... - [gasps]

- No, no, no, it's a gift.

- I don't wanna cross state lines with it.

- Oh.

Thank you, but does this firearm

have the correct paperwork?

- Jesus, I thought you were a private dick,

not a Canadian Mountie.

- You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you.

- Yeah. - Business is closed.

Beat it, kid.

- What if I don't wanna beat it?

- I-it's okay, guys. It's okay.

He was just looking for a Montreal Expos cap.

I guess you're out of luck, Mountie.

[stealthy music]

♪ ♪

- Why you packing up, old man? Skipping out on us?

- Of course not.

I'm just taking some clothes over to the Salvation Army.

- Bullshit. - [groans]

- Come on, let's go. Jerry wants to talk to you.

- Come on.

♪ ♪

- I don't like games.

So you were trying to give me the slip?

I knew you were a liar,

but I didn't think you were stupid.

- I'm a complex person.

- So where's my complex 10 grand?

- Listen, I got a good tip about this new pitcher.

You raise the mound a few inches and we put

our money on a shut-out.

- Our money? I want my money!

I'm gonna have to erase you, Harry.

- Pop him here?

- Sure, we gotta dig up centerfield anyway.

- You, drop the gun! You two, hands up.

And don't test me, I've been going to

the gun range once a week.

- It's that little kid from the hat store.

- Little?

♪ ♪

- I should have told you it does that.

- Get him!

- You gave me a broken gun?

- Well, it works if you don't swing it around.

- Who is this punk? - He's my son, Johnny.

Hey, you can never say your old man

didn't bring you to a ballpark.

- Aw shit, now we got to bury two bodies.

- What? - Jerry, that's not necessary.

You'll get your money. Just don't touch the kid.

- Suddenly you're flush?

Okay, Phillie, you go with asshole

and get the cash, and we'll keep the kid.

- Where I'm going, I have to go alone.

It's an old friend in the syndicate,

and if I show up with a hard boy,

I won't get in the front door.

So that's the deal.

You keep Johnny. He's your insurance.

- Okay.

If you're not back in 90 minutes,

he's gonna be playing center field, permanently.

- But I'm a lousy baseball player.

It's not my best sport. - Shut up!

I'm ready to kill this kid right now.

You going to get my money? - Yeah, you'll get it.

Don't worry, son.

- Dad?

- This is the bulk of the work I produced in the past year.

Sorry there's not more,

but I've had a-- a rough time.

Any questions? Yes?

- What are Exacto Man and the Emasculator doing

to Super Ray in that drawing?

- Oh, they're attacking his, uh--his spine.

I had back spasms and I--I healed them with my own mind.

Yes, in the back.

- Can you cure my sore throat with your mind?

- I don't, uh, do other people's bodies.

Next? Yes.

- Why aren't there any drawings of the girl

that Super Ray loves?

I worship her. She's my screen-saver.

- She left Super Ray.

And even though his heart is encased

in adamantium fat, like Wolverine,

he was destroyed.

- Is your work autobiographical?

Did a girl leave you?

- Yes and yes. - I'm sorry.

But we all love you.

- Really?

[exhales deeply] Thank you.

I guess that's it for the questions.

I'll just, uh, take some more compliments now.

- ♪ La, la, la, la ♪

You're running out of time.

Where's the old man? I hope he loves you.

- He does. He'll be back soon.

- Maybe we should give him a call,

let him hear you scream a little.

- Or we could call him and I'll use

my normal non-screaming voice.

That was just one thought.

Let's keep brainstorming. There are no bad ideas.

- Call.

- But just to be clear, we're going with

your screaming concept?

- Call!

- Hi, Dad, it's Jonathan. [clears throat]

Um, mm-hmm, no.

Of course I'm still at Wonders Stadium.

Just seeing how things coming along.

[groans] Ow!

I thought we were going with normal speaking voice!

If you don't get back here soon, these guys are definitely

gonna kill me, like they said. So hurry up.

- What? Oh, my God.

I'll be there. - Okay, I have to go.

Bye. Love you.

- Sal, I need help.

Yes, that's a good idea,

but let's put it in a to-go cup.

- There you go.

- Look, Grandma. - Oh, yeah, it's lovely, yeah.

- Oh, excuse me. Hold on.

This one is, uh, for you. - Oh.

- Why don't you, uh, call me sometime?

- Oh.

Oh. You're really very forward.

- [seductively] Oh, you make it easy.

- [murmurs]

Oh.

- How you doing? - Hi.

Um, were you always a god?

- Yes--oh, God, now what? [phone ringing]

George, this better be good.

I'm being told how great I am by my fans.

- Hey, sorry, but Jonathan is at Brooklyn Wonders Stadium,

and he's in trouble.

He needs us. Can you meet me there?

- Oh, shit, again?

All right, I'll be there.

Super Ray is needed.

- I always knew your powers were real.

- I have to get to Wonders Stadium

and save a disturbed friend.

Do you know the best subway?

- Do you need a car? We could take the Ray Mobile.

- There's a Ray Mobile?

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[engine chugging]

- Oh, Ray, thank God.

Who are these people?

- The League of Rays, or the Ray-Vengers.

The name's still under discussion.

- The Rays of Hope. - Please stop saying that.

- The Ray-Team.

- We'll discuss it at the meeting!

- Hey, guys, I'm stuck.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, uh, good thinking, you know?

We need all the reinforcements we can get.

I brought Sal, but he kinda pooped out.

The car makes him sleepy.

- [grunts]

Has your dad always been such a chiseler?

- For as long as I've known him.

Do you have a son?

- No, three daughters. All of them tarts.

- That's right. [chuckling]

- [chuckles]

Shut the fuck up!

- Whoa!

[laid-back music]

♪ ♪

- He said he was in the stadium.

- He could be anywhere.

- You think we're gonna get into trouble for

breaking into this place?

- Do not be negative on a super mission.

- It's okay, man.

- That's right.

In a ridiculous situation,

it's important to think positively.

- All right, I have a plan.

Now we need to flush 'em out.

Are the League of Rays ready to be heroes?

- Hell yeah.

Cocked and loaded. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- [sighs] Five more minutes, kid.

Then we shoot you in the head.

- Do you have to be so explicit?

[gun cocks]

[organ playing]

George on P.A.: Let Jonathan Ames go.

- Who the fuck is that?

♪ ♪

- Come on.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- I don't like this.

- ♪ Ooh ♪

- What the hell? - Who the fuck are these guys?

- They're Super Rays.

- Villains, release Jonathan Ames

or you will feel the wrath

of Super Ray and his minions.

- Who's in the booth?

- M-maybe minions isn't the right word.

Uh, followers or sycophants?

Uh, super fans!

Maybe "minions" was the best, actually.

- Screw this. Charge!

[shouting]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

[guns firing]

- They have guns! They have guns.

[gunshots] - oh!

Run, Rays, run! - Ray down!

- Okay, come on, come on!

[gunshot cracks]

- Help me! [squeals]

[gunshots blasts]

- [screaming]

[grunting]

- Good one! Good one, yes!

- I'm coming, Ray!

- Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[gunshot]

- Take cover! - Get down.

- Serpentine, Jonathan, serpentine!

[gunfire]

Stop shooting, you'll hurt him.

Stop shooting.

- Get the little bastard.

- Slide like Jackie Robinson!

[gunshots]

- Fuck. - Yes!

Oh, God! Muah! Oh, God, oh!

Oh.

- No, no, no, no, no!

Make a move, it'll be your last.

- We did it. We did it!

[all laughing]

- Bye! - Bye!

- See you guys next week at the meeting.

- I love your new friends.

- Yeah, they're good people.

- Thank you guys for saving my life again.

- Of course, Jonathan.

I'm just sorry your father abandoned you.

- It's all right.

I knew you guys would come for me.

- Shit, is Sal dead?

- He shouldn't be. I left a window open.

Sal, wake up. Come on, wake up.

[jazzy piano music]

♪ ♪

- Daddy, I thought you said

there wasn't going to be any alcohol.

- Oh, no, I meant no alcohol for you.

- [scoffs] Oh, God.

- Oh, no, sweetheart, I can't give

a father's wedding toast without champagne.

And look, look, I-I've got Martinelli's

for you and, um, uh, Bernard.

Right, and wasn't that thoughtful?

- Okay, fine.

- Go sit, go on. - Okay.

- Uh, excuse me, everybody.

I'd like to say a few words.

What I have learned in my 63 years

is that we all walk this

razor's edge of feeling like our lives are both

meaningful and meaningless.

This can lead to depression,

confusion, and melancholy.

- Oh, no. He's making this about himself.

- And all the gurus tell us that we--

we should live in the now,

but I always feel like

I'm one second behind my--my own life,

never fully present--hmm?

So I say to you, Emily...

Let yourself be loved,

which is one of the hardest things to learn in life.

But you are so worthy of being cherished,

and I love you with all my being.

To Emily and Bernard!

- Yes! all: cheers.

- Cheers. - Congratulations.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- ♪ See the pyramids ♪

♪ Along the Nile ♪

♪ Watch a sunrise ♪

♪ On a tropic isle ♪

♪ Just remember, darling ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ You belong to me... ♪

♪ ♪

- [whispers] Did you tell her yet?

Well, we all have our thing.

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Rose?

- Mm?

- There's something, um...

- What?

- Never mind.

- ♪ See the jungle ♪

♪ When it's wet with rain ♪

♪ Just remember till you're home again ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Yes, you belong ♪

♪ To me ♪

[The Magnetic Fields' "Nothing Matters when We're Dancing"]

- ♪ Dance with me, my old friend ♪

♪ Once before we go ♪

♪ Let's pretend this song won't end ♪

♪ And we never have to go home ♪

♪ And we'll dance among the chandeliers ♪

♪ And nothing matters when we're dancing ♪

♪ In tattered tatters you're entrancing ♪

♪ Be we in Paris or in Lansing ♪

♪ Nothing matters when we're dancing ♪

♪ Nothing matters when we're dancing ♪

♪ Nothing matters when we're dancing ♪

[bright tone]