Original subtitles

[bright tone]

[sneaky music]

- ♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪

- [coughs] - ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad and lonely ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Do all detectives keep white wine in their desks?

- No, most detectives in literature have whiskey,

but I tend to black out and throw up on the brown stuff.

- I used to be weak that way.

Every time I would drink scotch,

I would lose my panties.

It was always annoying the next morning.

- So, you said on the phone

that you had some information about my father.

- About both our missing fathers.

I also began life at the Hudson Sperm Bank.

- Well, it's wonderful to meet a fellow donation.

You know the place burned down, right?

- I know, and the owner, Donald Stark, has gone off the grid.

- You know the owner's name? Uh--

Well, without Stark, there are no records,

so we've hit the same dead end.

- That's not true.

I found Fishman. - Fishman?

- Fishman, who witnessed the devastating fire,

Fishman, his face blackened by smoke.

Fishman, his hair singed.

- The same man was at each fire?

Oh, my God.

Fishman must be a-- - A professional firebug.

He is.

Stark hired him to burn the bank.

Fishman is our link to the records.

- And you need me to find him. - I already have.

- Aw, come on!

- He's in Rikers. He's doing eight to ten.

I'm seeing him tomorrow morning.

- You've practically solved the case.

Why do you want to hire me? - I don't.

I felt sorry for you when I saw you on the "Cavett Show."

You looked so lost and... disturbed.

- Is it because I went crotch closed instead of crotch open?

- Yes.

- I knew I should have gone crotch open.

My friend George told me I should go crotch closed.

His fault.

[mellow music]

- Hey, Leah, don't know why you're not calling me back.

I'm not sure if it's because I cheated on you

or because you lost my phone number.

But listen, if it's the cheating,

uh, call me back, okay? This is Ray.

- Hey, Emily. Dad again--your father.

Um, call me back sometime, sweetie.

[chuckles] No luck.

- Me neither.

I wish Leah would go ahead and forgive me already.

I don't know what's taking so long.

- You're just gonna have to suffer for a while, Ray.

That's all there is to it. It's your penance.

- Well, the weird thing is,

is I kind of don't want the pain to be over.

- That's because when the pain ends,

the love ends.

Come to bed, Ray. Come on.

- [sighs]

- So is that neck sling helping at all?

- Well, I feel taller,

but my back still hurts.

- Well, I've got something for you then.

- Oh, like a present?

- Well...

- Oh, it's a book.

Great.

"Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection."

Dr. John E. Sarno.

- I hear that it works wonders.

And here's another gift for you.

- What's this?

- Well, this is for your nose, Ray.

Your snoring is starting to unravel me.

The revue is tomorrow night and I need my rest.

- [snoring]

Yeah, I think this thing's working.

- Sometimes you just irritate the hell out of me.

- Hey, George, will you get me a glass of juice, please?

Half guava, half apple,

with a splash of orange and a little hint of grapefruit

and a segment of lime. Quickly.

[dramatic music]

- We want Donald Stark. Where is he?

- I've already told you.

I had nothing to do with that sperm shop.

I was out looking for my cat.

I smelled smoke-- piqued my interest.

- Liar!

You seem like a dog person.

- No. - Really?

Were you out looking for your cat on this night?

How about this night?

Did you find your pussy on this night?

- Okay. - What about that night?

- Yeah, seems like a lot of nights.

- Great.

Caught me in a little lie, did you?

But I'm a pro, honey.

You think I got where I am by being a snitch?

- Rikers? [scoffs]

- Okay, don't rub it in, girlie.

- I will rub it in.

I need to find my father.

Please, help me.

- Huh. - Yeah.

Help us.

- You know,

I grew up in an orphanage.

It's where I first started lighting fires--

for the attention.

Who knew it would blossom into a career, right? [chuckles]

- Well, then, you know what it's like to

want to find your family.

- Yeah, I do.

Okay, uh, the man you want is Harry Bergeron.

- Harry Bergeron. - Used to be Stark,

used to be a number of other names too,

but he burns a business about once every year.

- Where can we find him?

- He runs a cap store out on Coney Island--

Susquehanna hats on Bagel Street.

- Mr. Fishman, I could kiss you.

- Really?

Then what's stopping you, honey?

I got three more years in this shitbox.

Come on, give it to me. - [screaming]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Fishman! - [screaming continues]

- That's enough, buddy!

- Oh! Oh, man!

I was so close to that.

I almost had it in there. - Are you all right?

- Thank you.

[metal door shuts]

- [snoring]

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Hey, George?

George, I'm healed! Praise Sarno!

George, George.

George, wake up. There's been a miracle.

- Oh... [grunts]

What's--what's going--?

It's bare-- it's barely 10:00.

Was there a financial crisis?

- My back pain is completely gone.

Your book healed my back. - You read the whole thing?

- No, I read the whole back cover

and then I slept on it, and the combination worked.

- Well, that's wonderful.

I mean, the book must have seeped into you.

- Sarno said I invented my back spasms

so I wouldn't feel anything else.

- You got that from the back cover?

- Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

I'm in charge. I'm in charge!

Ray Hueston is in charge of his body.

Ray Hueston is in charge-- ooh, ooh.

- Oh, you okay?

- I'm good. I'm still in charge.

[bones cracking]

- I'll take the lead with Bergeron

since you were in charge of the Fishman interrogation, okay?

- Okay. Are you sure you're up for it?

- I am a detective, you know-- ooh, I love Ferris wheels.

- Me too.

W-we need to stay on task.

- Right.

There's our meet.

Are you Harry Bergeron?

- Depends who's asking.

- We are. - Who's we?

- Depends who's asking. - I am.

- Who's I? - Depends who's asking.

- I'm ask-- - Ah--okay.

We know you're Harrison Bergeron,

but are you also Donald Stark,

who once owned the Hudson Sperm Bank in Fair Lawn, New Jersey?

- Inside.

Wipe your feet.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Are you the cops?

You look like graduate students.

- No, but I am getting my PhD

in library science from Columbia.

- And I wasn't accepted to grad school,

but I am an unlicensed private detective.

- So you're a shamus. How'd you find me?

- An arsonist named Fishman led us here.

We saw him at Rikers. - Oh, yeah?

I always liked Fishman.

It's convenient when you're a smoker to have him around.

He's always quick with a match.

Nice Jewish boy.

But let's get to the point.

What do you want with me?

Are you with the insurance companies?

- No, we're not interested in your smoky trail of arson.

We just want to know about the sperm bank because...

well, we come from it.

- Oh.

Well, it's been a long time

since I was in the sperm business.

After that, it was laundromats, then liquor stores.

I always try to provide what's essential.

- But did you keep any of the records?

All I know about my dad is that,

well, he was Greek and he had a beautiful singing voice.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

When the building burned down, everything was lost.

- Oh, no.

- If you hadn't engaged in fraud,

this girl might have been able to find her father

with the beautiful singing voice.

Hope you realize what you've robbed her of.

- I understand, kid.

When I was your age, I was the same way--

all chip and no shoulders.

- I've got shoulders-- two of them.

You remember anything, you call me.

Let's get out of here.

- Look, I'm--I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Would you--would you like

some wonder hats?

Huh? Half price.

- I like the pink one-- - No.

We don't want any hats. And I didn't wipe my feet.

[door rattles]

- I can't give these things away.

[mellow jazz music]

- Hey, sweetie. Dad again.

Just wondering whether you got, uh,

all seven invitations to my performance tonight.

Bring Bernard. Call me back--or don't.

Just show up. 8:00 pm.

[line beeps] I love--ugh.

- Cut off again? - Yes.

Even her voicemail seems to know it's me.

- This will cheer you up.

Take a look at this.

- Oh.

- This is before Sarno, and this is after Sarno.

- Oh, God, this is wonderful. - Yeah.

- A little bulge there and everything.

- Yep.

- Now, who's the misshapen dwarf on Super Ray's shoulder?

- That's not a dwarf. That's my son.

- That's Super Spencer. - Oh, yeah.

No, of course. No, I see that.

I'll tell you something though--

that Sarno seems to have had a powerful effect on you.

- Yeah, now that I know that my back spasms

were caused by repressed emotions,

I find I can really draw again.

- So what feeling were you not feeling?

- Oh, shit. I forgot that part of it.

- Oh, hey, hey, look, don't question it, you know?

You've had a breakthrough. That's enough for one day.

I tell you. I haven't had a breakthrough in years.

Oh, Ray.

Ray, I am so very proud of you.

- George, what are you doing? I'm a real artist.

Don't do that. I'm not a child.

- But I tuck you in every night.

I bring you food from the restaurant.

I thought you liked being infantilized.

- Yeah, at my bedtime,

and at my mealtime.

- Okay, all right, Mr. Grumpy.

[burbling, laughs] - [laughs] Stop.

[jaunty piano music]

- Sorry I got angry back there at Bergeron's.

It's just that I was so angry,

which is why I got so... angry.

- I'm angry too.

Now we'll never know what diseases we're prone to.

- Yeah. I mean, that pisses me off.

I would have liked to have known those diseases.

- Me too.

- On my mother's side, I have balding,

but that's not an illness.

- I just really wanted to find my dad.

I feel like there's a--

a book missing from the shelf of my life.

- Hmm. - Hey.

I know what will make us feel better about those diseases.

[playful music]

[kids screaming]

- You know, my parents' first date was to Coney Island.

- That's romantic.

It's a shame your dad was sterile.

- Yeah.

I always thought I came from Brooklyn,

but I guess that's not true.

I'm half-Brooklyn, half... mystery.

- And you're half-sexy in your own way.

You do have really big eyes.

- You know, a therapist recently told me that.

♪ ♪

- That was an opening for you to kiss me.

I--I didn't really want to hear about therapy, but...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I am the knight of the mournful countenance.

Giddy-up, Rocinante!

Whoa, easy, boy. [neighs]

- Ah, my beautiful Don Quixote.

- Josephine, thank God you came early.

I need a warm-up.

- Not a problem. I'm not wearing any panties.

- What? Really?

No, no, I--I meant,

you know, maybe scales or something.

I mean, I'm happy that we made love every lesson, but...

I'm a little nervous now about actually singing.

- It is too late for that now. - What?

- This is the only lesson you'll need.

[sighs] Now don't you feel ready to sing?

- Well, not exactly.

[Jonathan screaming]

- [panting] [room rumbling]

- Whoa. [sighs]

Whew...

[sighs] - Whew.

- Sorry. I'm a screamer. - That was amazing.

I felt the room and the bed move.

- I know I was pretty good just now,

better than usual, actually,

but the room and bed did move.

The clock outside my window has a nervous twitch once an hour.

- Oh. - [sighs]

- Oh, right.

- Would you ever consider solving cases

on a more professional level?

I've always been a lone operator, but--

- I'll-- I'll give it some thought.

I could use a sidekick.

- Okay.

And would you like to come

to my friend's recital with me tonight?

It could be our first official date.

- Oh, I can't.

I have a night class in parchment restoration.

But do you think the clock could twitch

one more time before we leave?

- No, it only does that once an hour.

- How did you solve any cases before you met me?

- Oh. - [giggles]

[romantic music]

[soft chatter]

- "Emily, are you coming tonight?"

Question mark.

Oh, hey, guys. You're so sweet to come.

- Don Quixote texting again? - Yeah, yeah.

Just waiting, like Beckett,

for a message from Emily that's never gonna come.

- You know, George, you do look a lot like Samuel Beckett.

- I know. I've heard that before.

It's depressing to look like the most depressed writer ever.

- Can I have one of these? - Oh, yeah, please.

You know, Josephine brought those to me.

They're pot cookies for after the show.

You want one? - No, I'm on a natural high.

I just had transcendent sex with a girl named Rose.

She's smart, pretty, and a great detective.

- Wow.

- You only get stoned when you're unhappy?

That's not healthy. - You're right.

Oh, my God. That is so good.

These chocolate chips are very melty.

- Oh, I want melty chocolate.

[woman shouting indistinctly]

- That's our cue. Let's go.

- Oh, oh, fellas,

if Emily does show up, put her stage left

so she can see my better cheekbone.

I want her to be impressed by her father tonight.

- George, you're not Streisand.

- Well, tonight, I am... [chuckles]

You guys are the best.

Whoa.

[mellow music]

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, look.

There's George's really hot singing teacher.

She hugged me once. - Oh, she is hot.

♪ ♪

- Hello, Josephine. - Hello.

- This is George's only other friend, Jonathan.

- Hello. - Hello. Nice to meet you.

Oh, you're the one who broke his daughter's nose.

- It wasn't me. It was a plushy.

[cell phone rings] - Hmm.

- Oh, excuse me.

Hello? - It's Bergeron, Harry.

- What do you want, hat man?

- I have some information after all

from the sperm bank days.

- Okay, spill it. - Mm, not over the phone.

Meet me at the Brooklyn Aquarium in one hour.

- Why not at Susquehanna?

- The store isn't safe right now.

Just meet me at the aquarium.

They have evening hours tonight--half price.

It's a good deal.

- [giggles]

Oh, these pot cookies you made

are really starting to kick in.

Like, I have the tactile munchies.

You gotta feel my beard. It feels so good.

Feel it.

- It does feel good. - Yeah.

- I have to go.

- I told you to use the restroom ten minutes ago.

- Taxi, taxi! Taxi, taxi!

[thuds]

Coney Island! On the double.

- ♪ And we all say, oh, well, I never! ♪

♪ Was there ever a cat so clever ♪

♪ As magical Mr. Mistoffelees? ♪

Everyone! ♪ Oh, well, I never! ♪

♪ Was there ever a cat so clever ♪

♪ As magical Mr. Mistoffelees? ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, let's give it up for Mark Foster-Yang--

class of 2002,

singing from "Cats," but a bulldog at heart...

[chuckles]

And now, please welcome our next performer,

George Christopher, class of '69.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

["The Impossible Dream (The Quest)" playing on piano]

♪ ♪

- ♪ To dream ♪

♪ The impossible dream ♪

♪ To fight ♪

♪ The unbeatable foe ♪

♪ To bear ♪

♪ With unbearable sorrow ♪

♪ To run ♪

♪ Where the brave dare not go ♪

♪ To right ♪

♪ The unrightable wrong ♪

♪ ♪

[music fades]

[crowd whispering]

♪ To right the unrightable wro-- ♪

Oh, Emily.

I am so sorry, but I must sally forth.

- George? - I have a quest.

[crowd murmuring]

- ♪ To right ♪

♪ The unrightable wrong ♪

[piano continues]

♪ To do ♪

♪ The undoable thing ♪

♪ The thing ♪

Take flight, legs!

[indistinct chatter]

[fanfare plays]

[hoofbeats thunking]

[horse neighing]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[coughing]

- Rose, I know you're in your parchment restoration class,

but there may be a break in the case.

Call me.

♪ ♪

[tapping]

- Emily. - Dad?

Did you grow a beard?

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- [panting]

- Ray? What's going on?

- ♪ To dream ♪

♪ The impossible dream ♪

♪ To fight ♪

♪ The unbeatable foe ♪

♪ To bear ♪

♪ With unbearable sorrow ♪

- And basically, I have been repressing emotions.

That's why I had back spasms

and also a love affair with a older sexy woman.

- What?

- I was choking down my love for you

because I was terrified.

But I'm not--

I'm not scared anymore.

Leah,

I don't have a ring because I just thought to do this.

Here it comes. Will you marry me?

- Oh, Ray.

- ♪ This is my quest ♪

♪ To follow that star ♪

- Shut up!

- Okay, how many more verses are there?

- Emily, I'm trying to right an unrightable wrong

and asking you with all my heart to forgive me.

I should never have questioned your love.

I support you in everything you do.

- Will you just shut the fuck up?

- You shut the fuck up!

I am I, Don Quixote! [laughs]

- Okay, I'm gonna let you in

before someone calls the police.

- Okay. [both laugh]

- Okay.

- George, George, wonderful singing.

You got great pipes.

- Bernard, my favorite son-in-law, I've missed you.

- Come on. - I'll be right there.

[giggles]

- Ray, I love you. I do.

And I know that you love me,

but we don't make each other happy.

- Well, that's gonna change. I healed my back with my mind.

I can heal us.

- Ray, please.

I know there's more good than bad in our relationship,

but what's bad has become unbearable for me.

- Don't say that.

- I just think that the kindest thing

we can do for each other

is let each other go.

- [sighs]

I'm gonna miss you.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Psst! Hey, Mr. Shamus, over here.

- Why are you whispering?

- All these fish make me nervous.

I can't swim.

I like herring in cream sauce. That's about it.

- Forget the herring. Why'd you want to see me?

- Are you familiar with St. Francis?

- Yes, sometimes he's an answer in "The Times" crossword.

- But do you know his prayer?

"Better to forgive than be forgiven.

"Better to understand than be understood.

Better to love than be loved."

- Yes, I know it. - Good.

Keep it in mind.

There were no records at the sperm bank

because I didn't keep any. - Why?

- Because I provided all the spunk myself.

It was a way to save money.

I didn't have to pay for donors or stroke books

or tissues-- no overhead.

- W-what? - I also have good genes.

I mean, there's a lot of throat cancer

and colitis in my family, but that's about it.

So my conscience was clear,

until I met you, my son.

- Oh, my God.

- It was so beautiful to meet you both today.

Just to look at you-- you and your sister.

- I just ate a marijuana cookie a little while ago

and my hearing may be off.

Did you just say that Rose is my sister?

- Yes, and she's gorgeous.

She looks just like my mother...

[crying]

[The Magnetic Fields' "Strange Powers"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ On the Ferris wheel ♪

♪ Looking out on Coney Island ♪

♪ Under more stars than ♪

♪ There are prostitutes in Thailand ♪

♪ Our hair in the air ♪

♪ Our lips blue from cotton candy ♪

♪ When we kiss, it feels ♪

♪ Like a flying saucer landing ♪

♪ And I can't sleep ♪

♪ 'Cause you've got strange powers ♪

♪ You're in my dreams ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Strange powers ♪

♪ The sun pours down like honey ♪

♪ The stars fall down like money ♪

♪ You come down to me ♪

♪ And I can't sleep ♪

♪ 'Cause you got strange powers ♪

♪ You're in my dreams ♪

[bright tone]