Original subtitles

[bright tone]

[Coconut Records' "Bored to Death"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely ♪

- [coughs] - ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad, and lonely ♪

[whistle blows]

[door squeaks]

♪ ♪

[pages riffle]

[!!!'s "AM/FM"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ AM ♪

♪ ♪

♪ AM, and then shout ♪

[muffled music plays from car]

♪ ♪

♪ AM, FM ♪

♪ They always talk too much ♪

[slinky percussive music]

♪ ♪

[doorbell jingles]

♪ ♪

- Is that your car?

I don't like German cars. I'm a survivor.

- It's a friend's car. You're a holocaust survivor?

- No, in general, I'm a survivor.

I haven't had it easy.

- Right. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

I'm a private detective.

Do you remember the sperm bank

next door that went up in flames in 1981?

- That storefront semen dealership?

How could I forget it?

My furs were smoky for months.

- Do you know what became of the manager after the fire?

- He disappeared. Had a gambling problem.

And terrible breath.

I always kept my distance.

- Hmm. Next question.

Do you recall a man who may have looked

just like me who made a deposit at the bank,

and if so, do you know his name?

- What are you, nuts?

[elevator bell dings]

- Patti? - My sweet first love.

Why are you wearing a mink stole?

- It's for my mother.

This furrier I met gave me a big discount.

But what are you doing here?

- We need your help.

Daddy, this is Jonathan.

He's the private detective I think you should hire.

Henry Stevenson.

Strong grip. - Thank you.

I've been working on it.

- I'm really glad you guys are finally meeting.

I took Jonathan's virginity at Princeton and he took mine.

- Yes, dear, I remember vividly the letter you wrote about it.

But it's good to put a face to that story.

Nice mink.

- Thank you.

Makes me feel very "Doctor Zhivago."

- How does the back feel, kiddo?

- Not good.

I was thinking about going to a chiropractor.

Been saving up my money for it.

- Don't bother. Those guys are quacks.

Let me try a little acupressure there.

- [groans] Okay, okay! Ow, ow, ow!

Okay, good, good. Ow, ow!

- Did that help? - Yeah, a little.

Can we play "looking for the sunken treasure again"?

- Oh, you're naughty.

All right, the-- the divers were looking

for the treasure of the...

both: Spanish galleon.

- Then one diver cried out,

"I found two large pearls and a bar of gold."

[door squeaks]

- Ray, I'm coming in. - Oh, God! Jeez!

- What the hell is going on? - I-I can explain.

I was taking a bath, the window was open, and--

- We committed adultery!

I used to be a good woman, but I weakened.

Forgive me! [cries]

[kissing feet] Hail Mary, full of grace...

- Ray, who is this woman,

and why did she say anything about adultery?

- Did you know that Picasso lived with two women?

Have you ever considered the possibility

of maybe having a more unconventional relationship?

[irreverent percussive music]

♪ ♪

[horn honks]

[yelps]

[tires screech]

[children laughing]

♪ ♪

- To unexpected ten-year reunions.

Patti, you look great.

- So do you.

Your mole is bigger and cuter.

- That's enough, Patti. You're getting married.

- To Josh? - Oh, no.

No, I haven't seen Josh in years.

- Who's Josh?

- Oh, he's the boy I left Jonathan for sophomore year.

- The one who shot the pornographic videos of you?

- Yes. Anyway, Jonathan, we're looking for someone

to guard my wedding necklace tonight,

and I thought of you.

- It's an old Philadelphia family heirloom.

Worth $125,000.

- Well, jewel guarding shouldn't be a problem.

I never lose my sunglasses.

And most people do.

- Well... [clears throat]

Patti tells me you were on the "Cavett Show,"

so you must be good.

Come to the Sword & Shield Club tonight

during the rehearsal dinner and we'll set you up there.

- Thank you for doing this.

[whispers] I haven't forgotten our pact.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, George.

Come back. Don't be upset.

I still think you're a wonderful lover.

- You do? - Of course.

- Oh.

Well, that's a relief.

- I don't care if you can't get an erection.

- No, no.

Don't say that.

No, uh, I-I couldn't perform

because I have mental issues.

- Oh, Georgie, I'm sorry.

Tell me all about it.

- Well, um, to be frank,

I'm worried about you getting attached.

And that worry finds its way down below,

if you know what I mean.

- But I am already attached.

When I sleep with someone five times,

we're an item.

- Yeah, but see, it was only four times,

since I fell short today.

- Well, today counts.

- I-I told you that I'm not available.

♪ ♪

- [whispers] I don't believe you.

♪ ♪

- Oh!

Oh, I think I'm rallying.

- You are definitely rallying.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Oh, shit.

Hold that thought.

♪ ♪

- Leah broke up with me.

She caught Belinda giving me a bubble bath.

- Oh, so sorry, my dear boy.

- George, who are we hugging?

- This is my friend Ray.

- George, is your hip bone protruding?

- Shh.

♪ ♪

[groans]

I had the restaurant send up roast beef sandwiches.

It's always good in a crisis

to numb one's feelings with food.

- I can't eat. I'm inconsolable.

- Oh, sorry, little buddy.

Would it console you to hear my problems?

Schadenfreude is supposed to be very healthy for you.

It makes us feel like we're gonna survive

as others fail.

- Not in the mood for "shocken-frau."

I just hurt two beautiful women.

- Would it make you feel better to come with me on my case?

I have to guard the wedding necklace

of my sex-crazed college girlfriend.

- Can we smoke and drink? - Um...

- I want to come. Can we wear outfits?

♪ ♪

- Jonathan. - Patti.

These are my friends George and Ray.

They're helping me guard your jewels tonight.

- Fun. A threesome.

I always loved your friends in college.

- Jonathan had friends in college?

- [clears throat] So, your father's inside?

Should we go in?

- Do you mind if I have a moment alone with Jonathan?

- Of course not. We'll be right inside.

- Yeah.

- She does seem sex-crazed.

- Yes, yes, very appealing.

- You don't remember our pact, do you?

- I-I don't remember.

- We swore that wherever our separate lives took us,

before we got married, you and I would meet again

one last time and make love.

- What? We really said that? - Yes! It was very romantic.

I can't--can't believe you don't remember!

- Well... - You still smoke a lot of pot?

- Every day, but not a lot.

- Anyway, I'm getting married tomorrow, so...

- This is crazy.

We haven't seen each other in years.

- I have OCD.

When I make any kind of pact, I have to follow through.

- What about your fiancé?

- We're staying at separate hotels,

and it's bad luck to see each other

the night before the wedding.

- Don't you think it's even worse luck

to sleep with an ex-boyfriend?

- Just meet me in the library at midnight.

We'll discuss it more then. I have to get back in.

- Patti!

♪ ♪

- It's funny, my-- my daughter is also engaged,

but it's a very, very dark affair.

- Right. - Mr. Stevenson, I'm sorry.

I was outside with Patti

familiarizing myself with the p-perimeter.

- I am going to go and mingle and drink a lot.

♪ ♪

- Well, your friends were kind enough

to introduce themselves to me,

but I thought you'd be alone.

♪ ♪

- Oh, well, we often work cases together.

And why is it you're all dressed as longshoremen?

- No, no, no, these are guard outfits.

We just picked them up at, uh, J.Crew.

My design, actually. If you'd let that out--

- Do not do that, please. - All right.

- George likes to play dress-up.

- Well...

- But only in men's clothing, which is positive.

- The jewels are in that case, Mr. Stevenson?

- Yes.

- [whistles] - Ooh.

- We've, uh, set up a room for you upstairs.

We'll be back in the morning for the ceremony.

But may I have a word with you in private?

Your associates are odd.

[both chattering indistinctly]

Are you sure you're up for this?

- I know they don't make the best first impression,

but everything will be fine.

We brought walkie-talkies. We're total professionals.

Copy that.

I mean, she's beautiful, but I don't think I can do it.

I don't want to wreck her marriage

before she's married.

- She must be having cold feet.

- She claims it's OCD.

I-I don't know why she wants me again.

Just about every time we had sex,

I had a premature ejaculation.

- You ever try a rubber band? That's what I do.

- No.

- Did you attend to her orally to compensate?

- Hello.

- No, I didn't know you could do that back then.

I was only a freshman.

- War!

- Well, maybe she's doing this

because she regrets losing you all these years.

Why did it end with you two?

- She said I was self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable.

It's what every girl has ever told me.

- That's what Leah would say. God, I miss her.

- I promised Josephine emotional inadequacy

right from the start.

It's a low bar,

but it's one that I'm comfortable with.

- Why aren't we emotionally available?

- We are, just not to women.

- That's true.

Well, better go meet her

and try and talk my way out of it.

- We're not done playing war. - Come on, Ray.

You know that war never ends.

- But I'm ahead. I have all the kings.

[smooth bossa nova music]

♪ ♪

- Over here, lover.

♪ ♪

- Patti...

We can't do this.

I-I-I know that you're having cold feet,

which is totally normal,

but sleeping with me is not the answer.

- You're right about the cold feet,

but sleeping with you will help me decide

if I should marry Gabe.

- You're saying "if" the night before your wedding?

- Yes, and I want to do this. - But why me?

It's been so long.

- Because of our pact, and because if I approached

anyone else, it would seem slutty and crazy.

- Well, not to be rude,

but it seems a little slutty and crazy to me.

- Jonathan, you took my virginity.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

- Of course it does.

So if we did this, I'd be helping you?

- Yes.

- [speaks muffledly]

- My future happiness depends on you.

♪ ♪

- [growls] - [gasps]

♪ ♪

- Why don't you read to me what you have so far?

- Okay, it's just a first draft.

"Dear Leah,

"I have something called 'elder love.'

"That's why I fell for Belinda.

"The benefit is that I will never leave you

as you get older."

- You know, I--

sorry, I'm not sure this is the right approach.

- [sighs] Okay, let me just--

"So please take me back.

"Belinda's son took her to a convent in the Catskills.

I will be a good man from now on."

All right?

- You know, there's a lot of mention

of Belinda in this note.

Why--why don't you do a drawing?

I mean, that's where your strength lies.

- A drawing's not gonna work.

I had the most beautiful girl in the world,

and I just wrecked everything.

- Sorry, Ray.

- What am I gonna do?

I'm broke, I'm homeless, I'm unlovable.

- That is not true. You are not unlovable.

And you're-- you're not homeless either.

You can stay with me as long as you need to.

- Can I eat in the restaurant for free?

- Of course.

- I'm lucky to have you as a friend.

- Mm.

Thank you.

Is this--is this what you called "elder love"?

- You're sick.

Don't talk to me like that again.

Do you understand me?

[sultry jazz music]

♪ ♪

- [moans]

- Mm-mm. Nope.

Patti, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I've never had this problem before.

But the briefcase is throwing me off.

- Don't blame the briefcase. You can do this.

- I know, but-- my friend George

was talking about impotence earlier

and he passed it along to me mentally.

You know, like auto-suggestion.

- Shut up and try again.

- But I feel conflicted, and I've had a long day.

I haven't had a chance to tell you,

but somewhat related, I come from a sperm donor.

I'm trying to find my father.

- What?

[over walkie-talkie] - Uh, Jonathan, come in.

It's George. Uh, sorry to interrupt.

The lights have gone out, and Ray is scared.

- Don't say that. - Sorry.

- It's an old house. A fuse must have blown.

Gotta find the circuit breaker. Over.

- Yeah, he thinks it's a circuit breaker.

- George, I'm standing right here.

It's not like you're having a private conversation.

- All right, hey, I'll tell you what,

we'll go find the circuit breaker.

Uh, over.

Oh, hey, um,

are you having sex with Patti,

or did you resist?

- Sorry. Ahem. Just find the fuse.

We'll make our way back to the base.

Over.

- Copy that.

I don't think they're having sex.

- George, take your finger off the button.

[static crackles]

♪ ♪

- Wow.

Lions, tigers, and bears.

- Oh, my.

- Okay, here we go.

All right.

This looks like a fuse box of some kind.

[cymbal shimmering]

Oh, dear.

- I'm sorry I let you down.

- There's still time. We can try again.

- But I can't--

[both scream]

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

[both grunting]

Come on, let's get out of here!

♪ ♪

[circuit popping]

- Ray. - Sorry.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You go, I'll hold him off.

Go!

♪ ♪

Stay back!

[sabre whipping]

♪ ♪

Shit.

I must warn you...

I fenced at Princeton.

[yelling]

♪ ♪

- [groans] - Oh, my God.

I-I'm so sorry.

That never happened to me in competitive fencing--

Wait! Sorry!

Don't-- [screams]

♪ ♪

- Jonathan, we found the circuit breaker.

Who are you playing with?

- What?

No!

[necklace tinkling]

♪ ♪

- Stay back, asshole!

George!

- Okay, all right, all right! There, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Jonathan, look at me. Look at me!

♪ ♪

[grunting]

- [gasps] - Oh! Jeez.

- [grunts]

- It's stuck. - Come on!

- Help, someone. Wait, wait!

- [yells]

♪ ♪

- Shit!

- A black man can't catch a cab in this town,

but a guy with a sword, no problem.

[horn honks]

[elevator bell dings]

- Your dad is gonna kill me.

- I'll tell him you tried your best,

that you were very brave.

- You still have his briefcase. That's something.

- Yeah, you know what, I think we shouldn't talk

about the marijuana and the beer.

I think that would not be a good idea.

[doorbell rings]

I'm just saying, we should look--

[both chattering indistinctly]

- Jonathan?

Patti?

What's going on?

- We need to talk. Can we come in?

- Your mother is sleeping, so if you keep it down.

I hope it's nothing serious.

- Your briefcase is fine. Don't worry.

- How on earth could this possibly happen?

- Well, um, he was a very sophisticated burglar.

- He turned the lights off and everything.

- And he was wearing a-a mask.

- With holes in it. - Yep.

Jonathan was very heroic. He tried to stop him.

- But I'm really sorry I failed you, Mr. Stevenson.

- No, no, sorry doesn't cut it!

That necklace has been in our family for 150 years!

Now, I'm gonna have to call the police,

my insurance company.

- Excuse me, but, uh, I think you have a red pen

leaking ink in your robe.

- What?

- Oh. Oh, this?

I-I cut myself shaving.

- Really? Oh, that happened to me.

I was shaving my side belly hair

so I could wear a girdle, and I nicked myself.

- And that's what happened to you, Mr. Stevenson?

You were shaving your side belly hairs?

- I, uh...

- Or did somebody shave you with his sabre

in that exact spot?

J'accuse!

- Uh... - Oh, my God!

Daddy, why?

- For you, sweetheart.

For the insurance money.

It's the only way I can afford the wedding.

Once you introduced me to Jonathan,

I knew I could pull it off.

- Mm-hmm. Hmm?

- But we have lots of money. - We don't.

Not until your grandmother passes.

Everyone in Philadelphia is waiting for someone to die.

It's what we live for.

- What an honorable man. - Honorable?

He hired me to fail, tried to kill me,

and he's committing insurance fraud.

- Exactly, all for his daughter.

I mean, the man's a role model for me.

I wonder what I could steal for Emily.

- Well, for Patti's sake, I'm willing to turn

a blind eye and not report him,

but it goes against everything I stand for.

- Such as? - I don't know, something!

[sighs]

- Jonathan, wait!

- You guys go ahead. I'll catch up.

- Thank you for everything.

- You're welcome, but, uh...

how do you know I'm not gonna turn your dad in?

- I'm thanking you for the pact.

It worked.

- But I couldn't, you know... perform.

- No, it's all right.

Your impotence made me realize

how much I want to marry Gabe.

- What? Mm. - [moans]

[phone rings]

- Just, uh, hold on one second.

I-I want to talk to you about this.

- Yeah. - Hello?

- Jonathan Ames? - Yes?

- I saw you on "The Dick Cavett Show."

I have information about your biological father.

- I'm gonna have to take this.

♪ ♪

Go ahead. I'm listening.

[faint buzzing]

- George? - Mm-hmm?

- I have an itch just below my left shoulder blade.

Can you scratch it for me? It's driving me nuts.

I think it's a new back hair trying to pop out.

That's why it's so itchy.

[faint buzzing]

- Is that better, little buddy?

I know you've had a pretty rough day.

- A little harder and to the left.

Aww... yeah.

That's it right there.

Okay, now to the right.

♪ ♪

To the right.

Go to the right.

To the right, George!

- ♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪

♪ And I'm feeling all right ♪

♪ When I stumble into bed another Saturday night ♪

♪ All the voices in my head and all the people I meet ♪

♪ They're all trying so hard to make a man out of me ♪

- ♪ But there's always gonna be ♪

♪ This little boy inside of me ♪

- ♪ And there's always gonna be ♪

♪ This little girl inside of me ♪

- ♪ 'Cause there's always gonna be ♪

♪ This little boy inside of me ♪

- ♪ And there's always gonna be ♪

♪ This little girl inside of me ♪

♪ ♪

[bright tone]