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[bright tone]
2
00:00:05,076 --> 00:00:08,012
[Coconut Records'
"Bored to Death"]
3
00:00:08,079 --> 00:00:09,512
♪ ♪
4
00:00:09,579 --> 00:00:13,812
- ♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪
5
00:00:13,879 --> 00:00:17,554
♪ Used to love you,
what a pity ♪
6
00:00:17,621 --> 00:00:21,392
♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪
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00:00:21,459 --> 00:00:25,496
♪ Bored to death,
cut, mad, and lonely ♪
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00:00:25,563 --> 00:00:29,166
♪ Bored to death, cut,
mad, and lonely ♪
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00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:31,302
- [coughs]
- ♪ Bored to death ♪
10
00:00:31,369 --> 00:00:35,806
♪ Cut, mad, and lonely ♪
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[whistle blows]
12
00:00:38,877 --> 00:00:39,811
[door squeaks]
13
00:00:39,878 --> 00:00:45,617
♪ ♪
14
00:00:45,684 --> 00:00:47,686
[pages riffle]
15
00:00:50,054 --> 00:00:52,990
[!!!'s "AM/FM"]
16
00:00:53,057 --> 00:00:54,058
♪ ♪
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00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:56,361
- ♪ AM ♪
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00:00:56,428 --> 00:00:57,795
♪ ♪
19
00:00:57,862 --> 00:00:59,263
♪ AM, and then shout ♪
20
00:00:59,329 --> 00:01:02,467
[muffled music plays from car]
21
00:01:02,534 --> 00:01:04,502
♪ ♪
22
00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:07,237
♪ AM, FM ♪
23
00:01:07,304 --> 00:01:10,142
♪ They always talk too much ♪
24
00:01:14,145 --> 00:01:17,081
[slinky percussive music]
25
00:01:17,148 --> 00:01:24,356
♪ ♪
26
00:01:28,626 --> 00:01:30,562
[doorbell jingles]
27
00:01:30,629 --> 00:01:34,493
♪ ♪
28
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,300
- Is that your car?
29
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:38,768
I don't like German cars.
I'm a survivor.
30
00:01:38,835 --> 00:01:41,404
- It's a friend's car.
You're a holocaust survivor?
31
00:01:41,471 --> 00:01:43,569
- No, in general,
I'm a survivor.
32
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:44,707
I haven't had it easy.
33
00:01:44,774 --> 00:01:47,678
- Right. Do you mind
if I ask you a few questions?
34
00:01:47,745 --> 00:01:48,979
I'm a private detective.
35
00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:50,114
Do you remember the sperm bank
36
00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:52,582
next door
that went up in flames in 1981?
37
00:01:52,649 --> 00:01:54,852
- That storefront
semen dealership?
38
00:01:54,919 --> 00:01:56,419
How could I forget it?
39
00:01:56,486 --> 00:01:58,588
My furs were smoky for months.
40
00:01:58,655 --> 00:02:00,557
- Do you know what became
of the manager after the fire?
41
00:02:00,624 --> 00:02:03,260
- He disappeared.
Had a gambling problem.
42
00:02:03,327 --> 00:02:05,429
And terrible breath.
43
00:02:05,496 --> 00:02:07,331
I always kept my distance.
44
00:02:07,398 --> 00:02:10,067
- Hmm. Next question.
45
00:02:10,134 --> 00:02:11,501
Do you recall a man
who may have looked
46
00:02:11,568 --> 00:02:13,370
just like me
who made a deposit at the bank,
47
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:14,805
and if so,
do you know his name?
48
00:02:14,872 --> 00:02:16,374
- What are you, nuts?
49
00:02:16,441 --> 00:02:18,643
[elevator bell dings]
50
00:02:20,979 --> 00:02:25,282
- Patti?
- My sweet first love.
51
00:02:25,349 --> 00:02:27,017
Why are you wearing
a mink stole?
52
00:02:27,084 --> 00:02:28,185
- It's for my mother.
53
00:02:28,252 --> 00:02:29,820
This furrier I met
gave me a big discount.
54
00:02:29,887 --> 00:02:31,622
But what are you doing here?
55
00:02:31,689 --> 00:02:32,990
- We need your help.
56
00:02:33,057 --> 00:02:34,824
Daddy, this is Jonathan.
57
00:02:34,891 --> 00:02:37,194
He's the private detective
I think you should hire.
58
00:02:37,261 --> 00:02:39,296
Henry Stevenson.
59
00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:41,298
Strong grip.
- Thank you.
60
00:02:41,365 --> 00:02:42,599
I've been working on it.
61
00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,701
- I'm really glad
you guys are finally meeting.
62
00:02:44,768 --> 00:02:47,804
I took Jonathan's virginity
at Princeton and he took mine.
63
00:02:47,871 --> 00:02:52,376
- Yes, dear, I remember vividly
the letter you wrote about it.
64
00:02:52,443 --> 00:02:57,081
But it's good to put a face
to that story.
65
00:02:57,148 --> 00:02:58,883
Nice mink.
66
00:02:58,950 --> 00:03:00,150
- Thank you.
67
00:03:00,217 --> 00:03:03,187
Makes me feel
very "Doctor Zhivago."
68
00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,856
- How does the back
feel, kiddo?
69
00:03:05,923 --> 00:03:06,791
- Not good.
70
00:03:06,858 --> 00:03:09,026
I was thinking about going
to a chiropractor.
71
00:03:09,093 --> 00:03:10,493
Been saving up my money for it.
72
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,063
- Don't bother.
Those guys are quacks.
73
00:03:13,130 --> 00:03:16,467
Let me try
a little acupressure there.
74
00:03:16,534 --> 00:03:19,136
- [groans] Okay, okay!
Ow, ow, ow!
75
00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:20,605
Okay, good, good.
Ow, ow!
76
00:03:20,672 --> 00:03:24,841
- Did that help?
- Yeah, a little.
77
00:03:24,908 --> 00:03:27,344
Can we play "looking for
the sunken treasure again"?
78
00:03:27,411 --> 00:03:29,546
- Oh, you're naughty.
79
00:03:29,613 --> 00:03:32,745
All right, the--
the divers were looking
80
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,052
for the treasure of the...
81
00:03:35,119 --> 00:03:37,955
both: Spanish galleon.
82
00:03:38,022 --> 00:03:41,292
- Then one diver cried out,
83
00:03:41,359 --> 00:03:45,763
"I found two large pearls
and a bar of gold."
84
00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,064
[door squeaks]
85
00:03:47,131 --> 00:03:48,499
- Ray, I'm coming in.
- Oh, God! Jeez!
86
00:03:48,566 --> 00:03:51,168
- What the hell is going on?
- I-I can explain.
87
00:03:51,235 --> 00:03:53,771
I was taking a bath,
the window was open, and--
88
00:03:53,838 --> 00:03:55,605
- We committed adultery!
89
00:03:55,672 --> 00:03:58,842
I used to be a good woman,
but I weakened.
90
00:03:58,909 --> 00:04:00,677
Forgive me!
[cries]
91
00:04:00,744 --> 00:04:03,481
[kissing feet]
Hail Mary, full of grace...
92
00:04:03,548 --> 00:04:06,183
- Ray, who is this woman,
93
00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:09,819
and why did she say anything
about adultery?
94
00:04:09,886 --> 00:04:12,189
- Did you know that Picasso
lived with two women?
95
00:04:12,256 --> 00:04:13,656
Have you ever considered
the possibility
96
00:04:13,723 --> 00:04:16,928
of maybe having a more
unconventional relationship?
97
00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:19,931
[irreverent percussive music]
98
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:22,900
♪ ♪
99
00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:23,901
[horn honks]
100
00:04:23,968 --> 00:04:24,902
[yelps]
101
00:04:24,969 --> 00:04:26,137
[tires screech]
102
00:04:26,204 --> 00:04:29,141
[children laughing]
103
00:04:29,208 --> 00:04:33,711
♪ ♪
104
00:04:33,778 --> 00:04:35,980
- To unexpected
ten-year reunions.
105
00:04:36,047 --> 00:04:37,782
Patti, you look great.
106
00:04:37,849 --> 00:04:38,616
- So do you.
107
00:04:38,683 --> 00:04:41,418
Your mole is bigger and cuter.
108
00:04:41,485 --> 00:04:43,220
- That's enough, Patti.
You're getting married.
109
00:04:43,287 --> 00:04:44,983
- To Josh?
- Oh, no.
110
00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:47,124
No, I haven't seen Josh
in years.
111
00:04:47,191 --> 00:04:48,491
- Who's Josh?
112
00:04:48,558 --> 00:04:49,960
- Oh, he's the boy I left
Jonathan for sophomore year.
113
00:04:50,027 --> 00:04:52,696
- The one who shot
the pornographic videos of you?
114
00:04:52,763 --> 00:04:55,565
- Yes. Anyway, Jonathan,
we're looking for someone
115
00:04:55,632 --> 00:04:57,267
to guard
my wedding necklace tonight,
116
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:58,601
and I thought of you.
117
00:04:58,668 --> 00:05:01,439
- It's an old
Philadelphia family heirloom.
118
00:05:01,506 --> 00:05:03,507
Worth $125,000.
119
00:05:03,574 --> 00:05:05,976
- Well, jewel guarding
shouldn't be a problem.
120
00:05:06,043 --> 00:05:08,547
I never lose my sunglasses.
121
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,716
And most people do.
122
00:05:12,684 --> 00:05:14,285
- Well...
[clears throat]
123
00:05:14,352 --> 00:05:16,787
Patti tells me
you were on the "Cavett Show,"
124
00:05:16,854 --> 00:05:18,588
so you must be good.
125
00:05:18,655 --> 00:05:20,723
Come to the Sword & Shield
Club tonight
126
00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:24,995
during the rehearsal dinner
and we'll set you up there.
127
00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:26,663
- Thank you for doing this.
128
00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:30,100
[whispers] I haven't
forgotten our pact.
129
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:33,104
[cool percussive music]
130
00:05:33,171 --> 00:05:35,307
♪ ♪
131
00:05:35,374 --> 00:05:37,675
- Oh, George.
132
00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,743
Come back.
Don't be upset.
133
00:05:39,810 --> 00:05:42,546
I still think
you're a wonderful lover.
134
00:05:42,613 --> 00:05:46,050
- You do?
- Of course.
135
00:05:46,117 --> 00:05:48,085
- Oh.
136
00:05:48,152 --> 00:05:50,553
Well, that's a relief.
137
00:05:50,620 --> 00:05:53,024
- I don't care
if you can't get an erection.
138
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,792
- No, no.
139
00:05:54,859 --> 00:05:55,593
Don't say that.
140
00:05:55,660 --> 00:05:58,228
No, uh, I-I couldn't perform
141
00:05:58,295 --> 00:05:59,930
because I have mental issues.
142
00:05:59,997 --> 00:06:01,899
- Oh, Georgie, I'm sorry.
143
00:06:01,966 --> 00:06:03,067
Tell me all about it.
144
00:06:03,134 --> 00:06:05,169
- Well, um, to be frank,
145
00:06:05,236 --> 00:06:08,739
I'm worried
about you getting attached.
146
00:06:08,806 --> 00:06:11,141
And that worry finds its way
down below,
147
00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:12,409
if you know what I mean.
148
00:06:12,476 --> 00:06:14,411
- But I am already attached.
149
00:06:14,478 --> 00:06:16,914
When I sleep
with someone five times,
150
00:06:16,981 --> 00:06:18,615
we're an item.
151
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,183
- Yeah, but see,
it was only four times,
152
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:21,419
since I fell short today.
153
00:06:21,486 --> 00:06:23,115
- Well, today counts.
154
00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:25,857
- I-I told you
that I'm not available.
155
00:06:25,924 --> 00:06:28,560
♪ ♪
156
00:06:28,627 --> 00:06:31,696
- [whispers]
I don't believe you.
157
00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:36,834
♪ ♪
158
00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:38,636
- Oh!
159
00:06:38,703 --> 00:06:40,966
Oh, I think I'm rallying.
160
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:44,509
- You are definitely rallying.
161
00:06:44,576 --> 00:06:45,943
[doorbell buzzes]
162
00:06:46,010 --> 00:06:48,579
- Oh, shit.
163
00:06:48,646 --> 00:06:50,682
Hold that thought.
164
00:06:50,749 --> 00:06:57,154
♪ ♪
165
00:06:57,221 --> 00:06:59,058
- Leah broke up with me.
166
00:07:00,758 --> 00:07:02,593
She caught Belinda
giving me a bubble bath.
167
00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:06,831
- Oh, so sorry, my dear boy.
168
00:07:08,265 --> 00:07:09,967
- George, who are we hugging?
169
00:07:10,034 --> 00:07:12,004
- This is my friend Ray.
170
00:07:13,537 --> 00:07:15,239
- George,
is your hip bone protruding?
171
00:07:15,306 --> 00:07:17,342
- Shh.
172
00:07:17,409 --> 00:07:19,143
♪ ♪
173
00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:20,743
[groans]
174
00:07:20,810 --> 00:07:23,748
I had the restaurant send up
roast beef sandwiches.
175
00:07:23,815 --> 00:07:25,382
It's always good in a crisis
176
00:07:25,449 --> 00:07:27,384
to numb one's feelings
with food.
177
00:07:27,451 --> 00:07:30,622
- I can't eat.
I'm inconsolable.
178
00:07:30,689 --> 00:07:31,889
- Oh, sorry, little buddy.
179
00:07:31,956 --> 00:07:34,757
Would it console you
to hear my problems?
180
00:07:34,824 --> 00:07:37,828
Schadenfreude is supposed
to be very healthy for you.
181
00:07:37,895 --> 00:07:40,298
It makes us feel like
we're gonna survive
182
00:07:40,365 --> 00:07:41,932
as others fail.
183
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:43,801
- Not in the mood
for "shocken-frau."
184
00:07:43,868 --> 00:07:45,802
I just hurt
two beautiful women.
185
00:07:45,869 --> 00:07:47,872
- Would it make you feel better
to come with me on my case?
186
00:07:47,939 --> 00:07:49,373
I have to guard
the wedding necklace
187
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,874
of my sex-crazed
college girlfriend.
188
00:07:50,941 --> 00:07:53,778
- Can we smoke and drink?
- Um...
189
00:07:53,845 --> 00:07:57,782
- I want to come.
Can we wear outfits?
190
00:07:57,849 --> 00:08:04,484
♪ ♪
191
00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:17,568
- Jonathan.
- Patti.
192
00:08:17,635 --> 00:08:18,869
These are my friends
George and Ray.
193
00:08:18,936 --> 00:08:20,671
They're helping me
guard your jewels tonight.
194
00:08:20,738 --> 00:08:22,267
- Fun. A threesome.
195
00:08:22,334 --> 00:08:23,874
I always loved your friends
in college.
196
00:08:23,941 --> 00:08:25,876
- Jonathan had friends
in college?
197
00:08:25,943 --> 00:08:28,246
- [clears throat]
So, your father's inside?
198
00:08:28,313 --> 00:08:29,546
Should we go in?
199
00:08:29,613 --> 00:08:31,381
- Do you mind if I have
a moment alone with Jonathan?
200
00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:32,745
- Of course not.
We'll be right inside.
201
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,385
- Yeah.
202
00:08:34,452 --> 00:08:35,853
- She does seem sex-crazed.
203
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,589
- Yes, yes, very appealing.
204
00:08:38,656 --> 00:08:40,157
- You don't remember our pact,
do you?
205
00:08:40,224 --> 00:08:42,626
- I-I don't remember.
206
00:08:42,693 --> 00:08:45,423
- We swore that wherever
our separate lives took us,
207
00:08:45,490 --> 00:08:48,265
before we got married,
you and I would meet again
208
00:08:48,332 --> 00:08:49,966
one last time and make love.
209
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:53,403
- What? We really said that?
- Yes! It was very romantic.
210
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:55,606
I can't--can't believe
you don't remember!
211
00:08:55,673 --> 00:08:58,175
- Well...
- You still smoke a lot of pot?
212
00:08:58,242 --> 00:08:59,844
- Every day, but not a lot.
213
00:08:59,911 --> 00:09:02,380
- Anyway, I'm getting married
tomorrow, so...
214
00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:03,547
- This is crazy.
215
00:09:03,614 --> 00:09:05,015
We haven't seen each other
in years.
216
00:09:05,082 --> 00:09:06,117
- I have OCD.
217
00:09:06,184 --> 00:09:08,319
When I make any kind of pact,
I have to follow through.
218
00:09:08,386 --> 00:09:09,319
- What about your fiancé?
219
00:09:09,386 --> 00:09:10,621
- We're staying
at separate hotels,
220
00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:11,656
and it's bad luck
to see each other
221
00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:12,723
the night before the wedding.
222
00:09:12,790 --> 00:09:13,891
- Don't you think
it's even worse luck
223
00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:15,425
to sleep with an ex-boyfriend?
224
00:09:15,492 --> 00:09:16,793
- Just meet me in the library
at midnight.
225
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:20,864
We'll discuss it more then.
I have to get back in.
226
00:09:20,931 --> 00:09:22,167
- Patti!
227
00:09:22,234 --> 00:09:25,497
♪ ♪
228
00:09:25,564 --> 00:09:27,271
- It's funny, my--
my daughter is also engaged,
229
00:09:27,338 --> 00:09:29,674
but it's a very,
very dark affair.
230
00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:31,709
- Right.
- Mr. Stevenson, I'm sorry.
231
00:09:31,776 --> 00:09:33,010
I was outside with Patti
232
00:09:33,077 --> 00:09:36,013
familiarizing myself
with the p-perimeter.
233
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,884
- I am going to go and mingle
and drink a lot.
234
00:09:39,951 --> 00:09:43,754
♪ ♪
235
00:09:43,821 --> 00:09:45,289
- Well, your friends
were kind enough
236
00:09:45,356 --> 00:09:47,357
to introduce themselves to me,
237
00:09:47,424 --> 00:09:49,561
but I thought you'd be alone.
238
00:09:49,628 --> 00:09:51,628
♪ ♪
239
00:09:51,695 --> 00:09:53,997
- Oh, well, we often
work cases together.
240
00:09:54,064 --> 00:09:56,600
And why is it you're all
dressed as longshoremen?
241
00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,101
- No, no, no,
these are guard outfits.
242
00:09:58,168 --> 00:10:00,603
We just picked them up
at, uh, J.Crew.
243
00:10:00,670 --> 00:10:02,606
My design, actually.
If you'd let that out--
244
00:10:02,673 --> 00:10:03,841
- Do not do that, please.
- All right.
245
00:10:03,908 --> 00:10:05,210
- George likes
to play dress-up.
246
00:10:05,277 --> 00:10:06,243
- Well...
247
00:10:06,310 --> 00:10:09,679
- But only in men's clothing,
which is positive.
248
00:10:09,746 --> 00:10:11,882
- The jewels are in that case,
Mr. Stevenson?
249
00:10:11,949 --> 00:10:13,752
- Yes.
250
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:17,121
- [whistles]
- Ooh.
251
00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:20,757
- We've, uh, set up a room
for you upstairs.
252
00:10:20,824 --> 00:10:23,627
We'll be back in the morning
for the ceremony.
253
00:10:23,694 --> 00:10:27,432
But may I have a word
with you in private?
254
00:10:27,499 --> 00:10:30,768
Your associates are odd.
255
00:10:30,835 --> 00:10:33,470
[both chattering indistinctly]
256
00:10:33,537 --> 00:10:34,939
Are you sure
you're up for this?
257
00:10:35,006 --> 00:10:37,508
- I know they don't make
the best first impression,
258
00:10:37,575 --> 00:10:39,343
but everything will be fine.
259
00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:43,548
We brought walkie-talkies.
We're total professionals.
260
00:10:43,615 --> 00:10:45,449
Copy that.
261
00:10:45,516 --> 00:10:48,653
I mean, she's beautiful,
but I don't think I can do it.
262
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:49,854
I don't want
to wreck her marriage
263
00:10:49,921 --> 00:10:51,355
before she's married.
264
00:10:51,422 --> 00:10:52,757
- She must be having cold feet.
265
00:10:52,824 --> 00:10:54,191
- She claims it's OCD.
266
00:10:54,258 --> 00:10:56,427
I-I don't know why
she wants me again.
267
00:10:56,494 --> 00:10:57,595
Just about every time
we had sex,
268
00:10:57,662 --> 00:10:58,963
I had a premature ejaculation.
269
00:10:59,030 --> 00:11:01,199
- You ever try a rubber band?
That's what I do.
270
00:11:01,266 --> 00:11:02,333
- No.
271
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,536
- Did you attend to her
orally to compensate?
272
00:11:05,603 --> 00:11:06,871
- Hello.
273
00:11:06,938 --> 00:11:08,639
- No, I didn't know
you could do that back then.
274
00:11:08,706 --> 00:11:09,940
I was only a freshman.
275
00:11:10,007 --> 00:11:11,742
- War!
276
00:11:11,809 --> 00:11:13,210
- Well, maybe she's doing this
277
00:11:13,277 --> 00:11:16,514
because she regrets
losing you all these years.
278
00:11:16,581 --> 00:11:18,049
Why did it end with you two?
279
00:11:18,116 --> 00:11:20,517
- She said I was self-absorbed
and emotionally unavailable.
280
00:11:20,584 --> 00:11:21,852
It's what every girl
has ever told me.
281
00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:24,889
- That's what Leah would say.
God, I miss her.
282
00:11:24,956 --> 00:11:27,658
- I promised Josephine
emotional inadequacy
283
00:11:27,725 --> 00:11:28,793
right from the start.
284
00:11:28,860 --> 00:11:29,893
It's a low bar,
285
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,489
but it's one
that I'm comfortable with.
286
00:11:31,556 --> 00:11:33,864
- Why aren't we
emotionally available?
287
00:11:33,931 --> 00:11:37,235
- We are, just not to women.
288
00:11:37,302 --> 00:11:38,869
- That's true.
289
00:11:38,936 --> 00:11:40,805
Well, better go meet her
290
00:11:40,872 --> 00:11:42,306
and try and talk my way
out of it.
291
00:11:42,373 --> 00:11:44,041
- We're not done playing war.
- Come on, Ray.
292
00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:45,175
You know that war never ends.
293
00:11:45,242 --> 00:11:47,411
- But I'm ahead.
I have all the kings.
294
00:11:47,478 --> 00:11:50,415
[smooth bossa nova music]
295
00:11:50,482 --> 00:11:57,482
♪ ♪
296
00:11:57,489 --> 00:12:00,625
- Over here, lover.
297
00:12:00,692 --> 00:12:04,762
♪ ♪
298
00:12:04,829 --> 00:12:06,464
- Patti...
299
00:12:06,531 --> 00:12:08,199
We can't do this.
300
00:12:08,266 --> 00:12:10,635
I-I-I know
that you're having cold feet,
301
00:12:10,702 --> 00:12:12,202
which is totally normal,
302
00:12:12,269 --> 00:12:14,104
but sleeping with me
is not the answer.
303
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:15,572
- You're right
about the cold feet,
304
00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:17,202
but sleeping with you
will help me decide
305
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:18,275
if I should marry Gabe.
306
00:12:18,342 --> 00:12:20,077
- You're saying "if"
the night before your wedding?
307
00:12:20,144 --> 00:12:21,645
- Yes, and I want to do this.
- But why me?
308
00:12:21,712 --> 00:12:22,980
It's been so long.
309
00:12:23,047 --> 00:12:24,882
- Because of our pact,
and because if I approached
310
00:12:24,949 --> 00:12:27,384
anyone else,
it would seem slutty and crazy.
311
00:12:27,451 --> 00:12:28,319
- Well, not to be rude,
312
00:12:28,386 --> 00:12:30,621
but it seems a little slutty
and crazy to me.
313
00:12:30,688 --> 00:12:32,723
- Jonathan,
you took my virginity.
314
00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:34,458
Doesn't that mean
anything to you?
315
00:12:34,525 --> 00:12:37,062
- Of course it does.
316
00:12:40,998 --> 00:12:43,268
So if we did this,
I'd be helping you?
317
00:12:43,335 --> 00:12:44,969
- Yes.
318
00:12:45,036 --> 00:12:46,438
- [speaks muffledly]
319
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,309
- My future happiness
depends on you.
320
00:12:51,376 --> 00:12:53,944
♪ ♪
321
00:12:54,011 --> 00:12:56,414
- [growls]
- [gasps]
322
00:12:56,481 --> 00:12:58,849
♪ ♪
323
00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:00,651
- Why don't you read to me
what you have so far?
324
00:13:00,718 --> 00:13:02,286
- Okay, it's just
a first draft.
325
00:13:02,353 --> 00:13:03,320
"Dear Leah,
326
00:13:03,387 --> 00:13:05,450
"I have something
called 'elder love.'
327
00:13:05,517 --> 00:13:07,724
"That's why I fell
for Belinda.
328
00:13:07,791 --> 00:13:09,860
"The benefit
is that I will never leave you
329
00:13:09,927 --> 00:13:10,895
as you get older."
330
00:13:10,962 --> 00:13:12,329
- You know, I--
331
00:13:12,396 --> 00:13:16,066
sorry, I'm not sure
this is the right approach.
332
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:18,263
- [sighs]
Okay, let me just--
333
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,170
"So please take me back.
334
00:13:20,237 --> 00:13:23,240
"Belinda's son took her
to a convent in the Catskills.
335
00:13:23,307 --> 00:13:24,809
I will be a good man
from now on."
336
00:13:24,876 --> 00:13:25,609
All right?
337
00:13:25,676 --> 00:13:27,678
- You know,
there's a lot of mention
338
00:13:27,745 --> 00:13:29,913
of Belinda in this note.
339
00:13:29,980 --> 00:13:32,884
Why--why don't you
do a drawing?
340
00:13:32,951 --> 00:13:34,685
I mean, that's where
your strength lies.
341
00:13:34,752 --> 00:13:37,020
- A drawing's not gonna work.
342
00:13:37,087 --> 00:13:38,689
I had the most beautiful girl
in the world,
343
00:13:38,756 --> 00:13:41,459
and I just wrecked everything.
344
00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:42,860
- Sorry, Ray.
345
00:13:42,927 --> 00:13:44,161
- What am I gonna do?
346
00:13:44,228 --> 00:13:46,797
I'm broke, I'm homeless,
I'm unlovable.
347
00:13:46,864 --> 00:13:49,166
- That is not true.
You are not unlovable.
348
00:13:49,233 --> 00:13:52,369
And you're--
you're not homeless either.
349
00:13:52,436 --> 00:13:55,440
You can stay with me
as long as you need to.
350
00:13:57,741 --> 00:14:00,311
- Can I eat in the restaurant
for free?
351
00:14:00,378 --> 00:14:01,779
- Of course.
352
00:14:01,846 --> 00:14:04,482
- I'm lucky to have you
as a friend.
353
00:14:04,549 --> 00:14:06,078
- Mm.
354
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:07,384
Thank you.
355
00:14:07,451 --> 00:14:10,255
Is this--is this
what you called "elder love"?
356
00:14:10,322 --> 00:14:12,056
- You're sick.
357
00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:13,424
Don't talk to me
like that again.
358
00:14:13,491 --> 00:14:15,027
Do you understand me?
359
00:14:16,828 --> 00:14:19,764
[sultry jazz music]
360
00:14:19,831 --> 00:14:21,633
♪ ♪
361
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:23,968
- [moans]
362
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:25,803
- Mm-mm. Nope.
363
00:14:25,870 --> 00:14:28,305
Patti, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
364
00:14:28,372 --> 00:14:30,307
I've never had
this problem before.
365
00:14:30,374 --> 00:14:33,277
But the briefcase
is throwing me off.
366
00:14:33,344 --> 00:14:36,013
- Don't blame the briefcase.
You can do this.
367
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,381
- I know, but--
my friend George
368
00:14:37,448 --> 00:14:38,949
was talking
about impotence earlier
369
00:14:39,016 --> 00:14:40,251
and he passed it along
to me mentally.
370
00:14:40,318 --> 00:14:41,652
You know, like auto-suggestion.
371
00:14:41,719 --> 00:14:42,986
- Shut up and try again.
372
00:14:43,053 --> 00:14:45,956
- But I feel conflicted,
and I've had a long day.
373
00:14:46,023 --> 00:14:47,224
I haven't had a chance
to tell you,
374
00:14:47,291 --> 00:14:51,094
but somewhat related,
I come from a sperm donor.
375
00:14:51,161 --> 00:14:52,396
I'm trying to find my father.
376
00:14:52,463 --> 00:14:54,198
- What?
377
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:55,999
[over walkie-talkie]
- Uh, Jonathan, come in.
378
00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:57,434
It's George.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
379
00:14:57,501 --> 00:15:00,071
The lights have gone out,
and Ray is scared.
380
00:15:00,138 --> 00:15:01,271
- Don't say that.
- Sorry.
381
00:15:01,338 --> 00:15:03,340
- It's an old house.
A fuse must have blown.
382
00:15:03,407 --> 00:15:05,308
Gotta find the circuit breaker.
Over.
383
00:15:05,375 --> 00:15:06,944
- Yeah, he thinks
it's a circuit breaker.
384
00:15:07,011 --> 00:15:08,279
- George, I'm standing
right here.
385
00:15:08,346 --> 00:15:10,281
It's not like you're having
a private conversation.
386
00:15:10,348 --> 00:15:11,782
- All right, hey,
I'll tell you what,
387
00:15:11,849 --> 00:15:13,251
we'll go find
the circuit breaker.
388
00:15:13,318 --> 00:15:14,285
Uh, over.
389
00:15:14,352 --> 00:15:15,653
Oh, hey, um,
390
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,921
are you having sex with Patti,
391
00:15:16,988 --> 00:15:18,823
or did you resist?
392
00:15:18,890 --> 00:15:20,958
- Sorry. Ahem.
Just find the fuse.
393
00:15:21,025 --> 00:15:22,760
We'll make our way
back to the base.
394
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:23,861
Over.
395
00:15:23,927 --> 00:15:24,962
- Copy that.
396
00:15:25,029 --> 00:15:26,163
I don't think
they're having sex.
397
00:15:26,230 --> 00:15:28,500
- George, take your finger
off the button.
398
00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:29,934
[static crackles]
399
00:15:30,001 --> 00:15:37,209
♪ ♪
400
00:15:39,877 --> 00:15:41,913
- Wow.
401
00:15:41,980 --> 00:15:45,217
Lions, tigers, and bears.
402
00:15:45,284 --> 00:15:47,852
- Oh, my.
403
00:15:47,919 --> 00:15:50,321
- Okay, here we go.
404
00:15:50,388 --> 00:15:52,156
All right.
405
00:15:52,223 --> 00:15:55,460
This looks like a fuse box
of some kind.
406
00:15:55,527 --> 00:15:58,329
[cymbal shimmering]
407
00:15:58,396 --> 00:16:00,665
Oh, dear.
408
00:16:00,732 --> 00:16:02,066
- I'm sorry I let you down.
409
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:04,034
- There's still time.
We can try again.
410
00:16:04,101 --> 00:16:05,570
- But I can't--
411
00:16:05,637 --> 00:16:06,771
[both scream]
412
00:16:06,838 --> 00:16:08,273
- [grunts]
413
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:09,106
♪ ♪
414
00:16:09,173 --> 00:16:10,107
What are you doing?
415
00:16:10,174 --> 00:16:12,276
[both grunting]
416
00:16:12,343 --> 00:16:13,845
Come on, let's get out of here!
417
00:16:13,912 --> 00:16:15,045
♪ ♪
418
00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:18,683
[circuit popping]
419
00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:21,853
- Ray.
- Sorry.
420
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:22,987
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
421
00:16:23,054 --> 00:16:25,390
You go, I'll hold him off.
422
00:16:25,457 --> 00:16:26,824
Go!
423
00:16:26,891 --> 00:16:27,825
♪ ♪
424
00:16:27,892 --> 00:16:29,322
Stay back!
425
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,362
[sabre whipping]
426
00:16:30,429 --> 00:16:31,895
♪ ♪
427
00:16:31,962 --> 00:16:33,359
Shit.
428
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,899
I must warn you...
429
00:16:34,966 --> 00:16:36,534
I fenced at Princeton.
430
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:38,536
[yelling]
431
00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:42,039
♪ ♪
432
00:16:42,106 --> 00:16:44,075
- [groans]
- Oh, my God.
433
00:16:44,142 --> 00:16:45,309
I-I'm so sorry.
434
00:16:45,376 --> 00:16:47,478
That never happened to me
in competitive fencing--
435
00:16:47,545 --> 00:16:49,447
Wait! Sorry!
436
00:16:49,514 --> 00:16:51,416
Don't--
[screams]
437
00:16:51,483 --> 00:16:58,188
♪ ♪
438
00:16:58,255 --> 00:16:59,890
- Jonathan,
we found the circuit breaker.
439
00:16:59,957 --> 00:17:00,892
Who are you playing with?
440
00:17:00,959 --> 00:17:02,727
- What?
441
00:17:02,794 --> 00:17:03,928
No!
442
00:17:03,995 --> 00:17:06,631
[necklace tinkling]
443
00:17:06,698 --> 00:17:12,604
♪ ♪
444
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:14,972
- Stay back, asshole!
445
00:17:15,039 --> 00:17:16,340
George!
446
00:17:16,407 --> 00:17:18,509
- Okay, all right, all right!
There, huh?
447
00:17:18,576 --> 00:17:19,310
Oh, yeah.
448
00:17:19,377 --> 00:17:21,045
Jonathan, look at me.
Look at me!
449
00:17:21,112 --> 00:17:22,046
♪ ♪
450
00:17:22,113 --> 00:17:23,914
[grunting]
451
00:17:23,981 --> 00:17:25,383
- [gasps]
- Oh! Jeez.
452
00:17:25,450 --> 00:17:27,117
- [grunts]
453
00:17:27,184 --> 00:17:30,020
- It's stuck.
- Come on!
454
00:17:30,087 --> 00:17:31,422
- Help, someone.
Wait, wait!
455
00:17:31,489 --> 00:17:33,286
- [yells]
456
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:38,197
♪ ♪
457
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,467
- Shit!
458
00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:46,203
- A black man can't catch
a cab in this town,
459
00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:49,039
but a guy with a sword,
no problem.
460
00:17:49,106 --> 00:17:50,742
[horn honks]
461
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,614
[elevator bell dings]
462
00:17:59,951 --> 00:18:01,418
- Your dad is gonna kill me.
463
00:18:01,485 --> 00:18:02,920
- I'll tell him
you tried your best,
464
00:18:02,987 --> 00:18:04,455
that you were very brave.
465
00:18:04,522 --> 00:18:06,123
- You still have his briefcase.
That's something.
466
00:18:06,190 --> 00:18:07,925
- Yeah, you know what,
I think we shouldn't talk
467
00:18:07,992 --> 00:18:09,159
about the marijuana
and the beer.
468
00:18:09,226 --> 00:18:11,996
I think that would not
be a good idea.
469
00:18:12,063 --> 00:18:13,998
[doorbell rings]
470
00:18:14,065 --> 00:18:15,198
I'm just saying,
we should look--
471
00:18:15,265 --> 00:18:17,236
[both chattering indistinctly]
472
00:18:18,035 --> 00:18:19,703
- Jonathan?
473
00:18:19,770 --> 00:18:21,105
Patti?
474
00:18:21,172 --> 00:18:22,339
What's going on?
475
00:18:22,406 --> 00:18:23,740
- We need to talk.
Can we come in?
476
00:18:23,807 --> 00:18:28,178
- Your mother is sleeping,
so if you keep it down.
477
00:18:28,245 --> 00:18:29,446
I hope it's nothing serious.
478
00:18:29,513 --> 00:18:32,251
- Your briefcase is fine.
Don't worry.
479
00:18:38,455 --> 00:18:41,458
- How on earth
could this possibly happen?
480
00:18:41,525 --> 00:18:45,129
- Well, um, he was
a very sophisticated burglar.
481
00:18:45,196 --> 00:18:47,030
- He turned the lights off
and everything.
482
00:18:47,097 --> 00:18:49,900
- And he was wearing a-a mask.
483
00:18:49,967 --> 00:18:51,268
- With holes in it.
- Yep.
484
00:18:51,335 --> 00:18:53,370
Jonathan was very heroic.
He tried to stop him.
485
00:18:53,437 --> 00:18:55,973
- But I'm really sorry
I failed you, Mr. Stevenson.
486
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,608
- No, no, sorry doesn't cut it!
487
00:18:58,675 --> 00:19:02,413
That necklace has been in
our family for 150 years!
488
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,782
Now, I'm gonna have to call
the police,
489
00:19:04,849 --> 00:19:06,649
my insurance company.
490
00:19:06,716 --> 00:19:09,687
- Excuse me, but, uh,
I think you have a red pen
491
00:19:09,754 --> 00:19:11,589
leaking ink in your robe.
492
00:19:11,656 --> 00:19:13,458
- What?
493
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,295
- Oh. Oh, this?
494
00:19:18,362 --> 00:19:20,397
I-I cut myself shaving.
495
00:19:20,464 --> 00:19:21,599
- Really?
Oh, that happened to me.
496
00:19:21,666 --> 00:19:22,800
I was shaving
my side belly hair
497
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:24,701
so I could wear a girdle,
and I nicked myself.
498
00:19:24,768 --> 00:19:27,171
- And that's what happened
to you, Mr. Stevenson?
499
00:19:27,238 --> 00:19:28,939
You were shaving
your side belly hairs?
500
00:19:29,006 --> 00:19:30,307
- I, uh...
501
00:19:30,374 --> 00:19:31,809
- Or did somebody shave you
with his sabre
502
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:32,910
in that exact spot?
503
00:19:32,977 --> 00:19:33,911
J'accuse!
504
00:19:33,978 --> 00:19:37,215
- Uh...
- Oh, my God!
505
00:19:37,282 --> 00:19:38,783
Daddy, why?
506
00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:41,185
- For you, sweetheart.
507
00:19:41,252 --> 00:19:42,686
For the insurance money.
508
00:19:42,753 --> 00:19:45,590
It's the only way
I can afford the wedding.
509
00:19:45,657 --> 00:19:47,424
Once you introduced me
to Jonathan,
510
00:19:47,491 --> 00:19:49,561
I knew I could pull it off.
511
00:19:49,628 --> 00:19:51,362
- Mm-hmm. Hmm?
512
00:19:51,429 --> 00:19:54,431
- But we have lots of money.
- We don't.
513
00:19:54,498 --> 00:19:57,401
Not until
your grandmother passes.
514
00:19:57,468 --> 00:20:02,039
Everyone in Philadelphia
is waiting for someone to die.
515
00:20:02,106 --> 00:20:04,141
It's what we live for.
516
00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:07,178
- What an honorable man.
- Honorable?
517
00:20:07,245 --> 00:20:09,179
He hired me to fail,
tried to kill me,
518
00:20:09,246 --> 00:20:10,547
and he's committing
insurance fraud.
519
00:20:10,614 --> 00:20:12,316
- Exactly,
all for his daughter.
520
00:20:12,383 --> 00:20:14,684
I mean, the man's
a role model for me.
521
00:20:14,751 --> 00:20:16,686
I wonder what I could steal
for Emily.
522
00:20:16,753 --> 00:20:18,422
- Well, for Patti's sake,
I'm willing to turn
523
00:20:18,489 --> 00:20:19,622
a blind eye and not report him,
524
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:21,425
but it goes against
everything I stand for.
525
00:20:21,492 --> 00:20:25,458
- Such as?
- I don't know, something!
526
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:26,263
[sighs]
527
00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:28,961
- Jonathan, wait!
528
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,270
- You guys go ahead.
I'll catch up.
529
00:20:33,538 --> 00:20:34,839
- Thank you for everything.
530
00:20:34,906 --> 00:20:36,773
- You're welcome, but, uh...
531
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,910
how do you know
I'm not gonna turn your dad in?
532
00:20:38,977 --> 00:20:40,178
- I'm thanking you
for the pact.
533
00:20:40,245 --> 00:20:41,445
It worked.
534
00:20:41,512 --> 00:20:45,249
- But I couldn't,
you know... perform.
535
00:20:45,316 --> 00:20:46,316
- No, it's all right.
536
00:20:46,383 --> 00:20:47,585
Your impotence made me realize
537
00:20:47,652 --> 00:20:50,521
how much I want to marry Gabe.
538
00:20:50,588 --> 00:20:52,824
- What? Mm.
- [moans]
539
00:20:52,891 --> 00:20:56,127
[phone rings]
540
00:20:56,194 --> 00:20:58,395
- Just, uh, hold on one second.
541
00:20:58,462 --> 00:21:00,097
I-I want to talk to you
about this.
542
00:21:00,164 --> 00:21:01,566
- Yeah.
- Hello?
543
00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:03,400
- Jonathan Ames?
- Yes?
544
00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:05,469
- I saw you
on "The Dick Cavett Show."
545
00:21:05,536 --> 00:21:09,239
I have information
about your biological father.
546
00:21:09,306 --> 00:21:11,676
- I'm gonna have to take this.
547
00:21:11,743 --> 00:21:14,479
♪ ♪
548
00:21:14,546 --> 00:21:16,914
Go ahead.
I'm listening.
549
00:21:16,981 --> 00:21:20,051
[faint buzzing]
550
00:21:20,118 --> 00:21:21,651
- George?
- Mm-hmm?
551
00:21:21,718 --> 00:21:23,786
- I have an itch just below
my left shoulder blade.
552
00:21:23,853 --> 00:21:26,791
Can you scratch it for me?
It's driving me nuts.
553
00:21:26,858 --> 00:21:28,892
I think it's a new back hair
trying to pop out.
554
00:21:28,959 --> 00:21:30,729
That's why it's so itchy.
555
00:21:34,399 --> 00:21:36,433
[faint buzzing]
556
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:37,868
- Is that better, little buddy?
557
00:21:37,935 --> 00:21:40,070
I know you've had
a pretty rough day.
558
00:21:40,137 --> 00:21:43,106
- A little harder
and to the left.
559
00:21:43,173 --> 00:21:45,943
Aww... yeah.
560
00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:47,911
That's it right there.
561
00:21:47,978 --> 00:21:50,782
Okay, now to the right.
562
00:21:50,849 --> 00:21:52,784
♪ ♪
563
00:21:52,851 --> 00:21:55,648
To the right.
564
00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:57,488
Go to the right.
565
00:21:57,555 --> 00:22:00,152
To the right, George!
566
00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:03,160
- ♪ When I wake up
in the morning ♪
567
00:22:03,227 --> 00:22:04,961
♪ And I'm feeling all right ♪
568
00:22:05,028 --> 00:22:07,964
♪ When I stumble into bed
another Saturday night ♪
569
00:22:08,031 --> 00:22:11,968
♪ All the voices in my head
and all the people I meet ♪
570
00:22:12,035 --> 00:22:16,168
♪ They're all trying so hard
to make a man out of me ♪
571
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:19,376
- ♪ But there's always
gonna be ♪
572
00:22:19,443 --> 00:22:24,281
♪ This little boy
inside of me ♪
573
00:22:24,348 --> 00:22:27,418
- ♪ And there's always
gonna be ♪
574
00:22:27,485 --> 00:22:30,587
♪ This little girl
inside of me ♪
575
00:22:30,654 --> 00:22:33,791
- ♪ 'Cause there's always
gonna be ♪
576
00:22:33,858 --> 00:22:38,629
♪ This little boy
inside of me ♪
577
00:22:38,696 --> 00:22:41,799
- ♪ And there's always
gonna be ♪
578
00:22:41,866 --> 00:22:46,871
♪ This little girl
inside of me ♪
579
00:22:46,938 --> 00:22:53,478
♪ ♪
580
00:22:57,281 --> 00:22:59,484
[bright tone]
40140
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