Original subtitles

[bright tone]

[sneaky music]

- ♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad, and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪

- [coughs] - ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad, and lonely ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

[ball thuds]

- You know, I still say that's not a legal style.

When Jonathan and I used to play games, he didn't cheat.

- Well, call Jonathan and play with him.

- You know we're not talking.

Although we do have therapy today.

- Get the yell--yeah, get those.

Then stop complaining about my technique.

If I throw it underhanded, my back is gonna catch on fire

and flames are gonna shoot out of my asshole.

Get that one.

- I'm sorry.

The girdle doesn't offer any relief?

- No, only OxyContin.

Luckily Belinda renewed her prescription.

She's turning me into Rush Limbaugh.

- Other than the drugs, how's it going with Belinda?

- Well, it's wonderful.

But I feel really, really guilty.

Leah has no idea, and I've never been like this before.

- Oh, I get it. You're leading a double life.

I've been doing that for so long,

I'm probably over 100 years old by now.

- Yeah, this elder love really crept up on me.

Other than coming in my pants all the time,

I used to be pretty normal.

- That's a term I don't know--elder love.

It's sounds like a...like an herbal tea or something.

- It's most common with women. - Hmm.

- Males don't get it as much, but we're out there.

There's a convention every year in Boca.

- Florida.

Jonathan and I were supposed to go down to Key West

to visit the Hemingway house,

but I guess that's not gonna happen.

- Well, maybe therapy will work.

- I don't know, maybe.

When a couple goes to counseling,

it's usually the end.

[bluesy music]

♪ ♪

- Ray said Antrem's restaurant is killing your business.

I wish there was some way I could help you.

It depresses me that Antrem's successful,

because it means that being

a driven sociopath is effective.

At least professionally. - Exactly.

Antrem's a symbol of what's wrong with nature.

If there's sunshine, you have darkness;

if there's health, you have disease;

if there's me, you have Antrem.

- Like me and Louis Greene.

- No, you see, this is why we need counseling.

you suck everything back to you like a needy magnet.

- Sorry. Tell me more about Antrem.

- I open a 100-mile artisanal restaurant

and that engorged tick opens a 50-miler

just to spite me, to destroy me.

- Can't you become a 50-miler?

- I'd love to, but I have no idea where his farms are.

And then Sifton gave him a rave in "The Times."

Said that "You can taste the farmer's hands

pulling the cucumbers from the earth."

- Well, that's not hygienic. - Of course it isn't!

[sniffling]

- This is friendship counseling?

- My three basic tenets of friendship:

no penetration between friends,

friends do not involve friends in Ponzi schemes--

that happened to me--

and a true friend is someone that helps you move.

- This situation is cut and dried:

Jonathan crossed the line with my daughter.

- What kind of line? Inappropriate leering?

Groping? Date rape?

You have very big eyes. - What?

- No, no, no, nothing like that.

But he was responsible for the fracture of

her perfect nose, and he caused her

to stop speaking to me.

- That's terrible.

- George, you can't blame

30 years of miscommunication on one broken nose

and an alcohol relapse.

- She also smoked dope

and saw a stuffed animal have anal sex.

- You told me to show her a good time!

- [growls]

[laid-back music]

♪ ♪

[door opens]

- Oh, you're home early.

- Yeah, I was able to get away for an hour.

Where are the girls?

- Upstairs, melting in front of the television,

but I'm gonna take them to the Botanical Garden soon.

- Oh, that's nice.

When did you start drinking Bailey's?

- I don't know, recently I got a taste for it.

- Oh.

Ray, I came home because I've been missing you.

- Really?

- I don't like the distance I've been feeling lately

with you on the couch... far away.

- Just down the stairs, yeah.

- And I should have been working, but I googled you

and I started getting hot.

I never told you this, but...

I love your drawings of Super Ray's cock.

- Leah, the girls. - They won't leave the TV.

- Okay. [unzips]

[breezy music]

♪ ♪

- Ray, you have a gray pubic hair.

- That's mine, that's mine.

- Of course it's yours.

- Jonathan, based on your technique, I can tell

you are a pathological,

codependent people pleaser, and that's not good.

- I'm sorry. - Don't say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Stop it!

- George? - Yes?

- I can tell you are a very good lover.

- Oh, well... [chuckles]

Oh, thank you very-- oh!

Look at you. [chuckles]

- Jonathan, what is your issue with George?

'Cause he seems perfect to me.

- Well, I don't have an issue, really.

I just want him back in my life.

You see, my whole father-figure situation

is very screwy right now.

- I hear what Jonathan is saying,

but I have nothing to give; I can only take.

My business is under siege.

I'm a needy boy wrapped in the garb

of an elder statesman.

- That sounds fancy and eloquent,

but is it really how you feel?

- Yes.

Also, I've signed up for a musical revue,

so I don't have time for my old friends.

- George, I'm sorry.

- Don't apologize to the people you love!

Show them your affection with your actions.

Dig into my heel. It helps with my menses.

I'm bloated.

I'm usually thinner.

[sly music]

♪ ♪

- Ow.

♪ ♪

Excuse me. With the F.D.A.U.J.A.

What farm does this restaurant use?

- I live in the basement of an American.

I have never been a nanny.

- I don't care about that. I want names of farms, now.

- Please, I love this country.

I'm a Yankee fan,

but I also like the Mets, if that's your thing.

- I'm not with Immigration.

I'm a friend....sort of.

Just tell me,

where does Richard & Sons get its produce?

- All I know is the mucho malo

goes on the run every night to the farms.

- Who is this mucho malo? What is his name?

- They call him Greene.

[giggling]

- Those girls are so beautiful.

You know, we should introduce them to my grandchildren.

- Yeah, maybe. - They call it a play date.

[laughs]

Back in my day we called it,

"Hey, look after my kids.

I gotta go to the doctor for my shingles."

- [chuckles]

Listen, Belinda,

the last three weeks have been wonderful.

- I know, it's a gift.

I'd love to tell Father Melucci,

but he would want me to be married

before having intercourse.

- Father Melucci? - He was trying to set me up.

But all the widowers in my church are a wash,

rheumy-eyed, lumpy with tumors.

I needed someone young like you.

- I do love being with you.

It's just--

- You know how I feel after we make love?

Like an iron's been on top of me

and I get all straightened out like a piece of linen.

You set me right, kid.

- God, Belinda, I...

I just don't know if I can keep this up.

I feel so guilty.

I keep taking baths like Lady Macbeth.

- Listen, I don't want this to stop.

You make me feel as beautiful as these flowers.

The hell with it.

[romantic Italian music]

♪ ♪

You gotta live with the guilt, Ray.

You might be the last good thing

I'll ever have in my life.

♪ ♪

- That's okay, baby.

It's okay.

- So tell me, George, have you ever sung before?

- Well, 40 years ago, I was a Whiffenpoof at Yale.

- Wasn't Cole Porter a Whiffenpoof?

♪ That's why birds do it ♪

♪ Bees do it ♪

♪ Even educated fleas do it ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Let's fall in love ♪

- Oh, that was lovely.

- Thank you.

So, why do you want to take singing lessons, George?

- Well, I agreed to perform in a musical revue

at the Yale Club-- a fundraiser--

and they assigned me "To Dream the Impossible Dream."

- Great, I love that song. This should be fun.

All right, let's do a little breath work first, shall we?

- Yeah.

- Just... - Oh.

All right.

- Gonna warm up that lean Gary Cooper body of yours.

- Oh, Gary Cooper.

- Grab it with both hands and just bend over.

Make your body an "L."

You do it. - Okay.

- All right, we're going to relax the back,

and we're going to breathe and make an "oh, oh, oh" sound.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- George, you're holding a lot of sadness or something.

- I do have a lot of sadness actually.

I've been very melancholic lately.

- Well, let's try to breathe it out, shall we?

Oh, oh, oh. - Oh, oh, oh.

[moaning]

- George, I think this may take more than breathing.

Do you smoke pot? - I do.

[stealthy music]

♪ ♪

- Now Leah's fallen back in love with me.

It must be pheromonal.

All the sex with Belinda has

got me spraying testosterone like a cat.

- You know, I did read about that in

the science section of "The Times."

The more sex a man has, the more sex he gets.

It's like a positive catch-22. [bangs]

- Hello, alpha team. - God damn it!

- What a bunch of nervous nellies.

I thought you guys were battle-tested.

- Why did you do tha-- where'd he go?

Both of my testicles completely retracted when you did that.

- Isn't that your normal state?

Both of your testicles deep in your body

like the ovaries of a woman?

- [mocking laugh]

- You got the tracking device?

- A-ffirmative.

Plus I brought along some bonus surveillance gear.

- Free of charge?

- I'm not a communist.

I charged it to George's account.

- So, Ray, you're the only one who can plant this on Greene.

- What? Why me?

I don't want any part of him.

- Oh, don't be such a swishy Nancy fruitcake.

- It has to be you.

Greene will never let me or Howard near him,

but you guys bonded in jail.

You said you passed him in the hallway.

- We did do time together.

- Excuse me. You have water.

Ray, what are you doing here?

Is that worm-with-legs Jonathan going to be joining you?

- No, I was just, uh...

- Well, we can't serve you dressed like that,

so I guess this is good day.

- No, I wasn't looking to eat.

I just...happened to be walking by

and I was wondering how you were doing

since our time in the hoosegow.

- Really? That's why you're here?

You're concerned about me?

- Well, not a lot of people have been through what

we've been through and I...

How was it for you?

- Oh, I felt like Primo Levi.

But I did make one nice friend, Jose-Luis.

But overall, the experience was traumatic.

I'm not sleeping.

Because of my nerves, I'm developing small ulcers

in my armpits.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, thank you.

Oh.

- I bet those armpit ulcers are really painful.

- I think you're the only one who understands me, Ray.

- When I do sleep, I have this dream

I'm in a tank full of lobsters

and they're all nipping at me with their cruel red claws.

- Shh.

[whispers] it's okay.

Those lobsters are phantoms.

- Oh, Raymond.

- Louis!

Where is that chubby little handmaiden?

Table five needs to be cleared.

- I have to go. - Yeah.

- Ray, if this should continue,

it would be nice if you shaved.

- How'd it go? Everything all right?

- Fine.

- Did the tango suspect anything?

- Nope. - How did you do it?

- I hugged him, like an old...prison buddy.

That's it, okay? That's the end of the story.

- Well, my work here is done.

- By the way, Howard, thank you for recommending Lori.

The session didn't work, but she has really nice feet

and gave good advice.

- Pfft, I love her feet.

You know, I got insight into some of my mother issues

working on her big toe.

- Hmm, but where therapy failed,

I'm hoping that this operation will save a friendship.

- Me too.

You love George, and I don't blame you.

All right.

[enigmatic music]

♪ ♪

- That guy gives me the creeps.

Do you go to him for everything?

- Not everything, just therapy referrals

and detective gadgets.

- I hope you don't think I'm a slut, Josephine,

for sleeping with you immediately.

- Not at all. Felt very 1977.

- [chuckles]

Well, I think it was a great first lesson.

- Yeah, I loved it.

You pierced my heart. - Oh.

- Did I scare you?

- Well, a little.

You--you should know that

I have a long track record of letting women down

and my business is falling apart

so I'm not very available emotionally--or emotionally.

- Well, you should know that I have a long track record

of being let down, and so we're perfect for each other.

And you are a pot-head, so we're doubly perfect.

- [chuckling]

[beeps] [gasps]

Oh, my God. Oh, that's beautiful.

I want one.

[sitar music]

- Ray, I haven't wanted to ask,

but how is Belinda in bed?

- [exhales] Well, here's a little taste.

The other night, I was on top of her and I was stoned,

and it was like all of her past selves fanned out

in front of me like a deck of cards.

- What? Really?

- Yeah, I saw all the women that she's been,

from her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s,

70s, 80s, 90s, naughts.

I made love to them all.

It's like a harem, but with one senior citizen.

- Holy shit, that's incredible!

[door slams]

There's Greene.

I can't believe he's smoking.

He must have picked it up in prison.

- All right. [engine starts]

Looks like he's making a left at the end of the alleyway.

- Yeah, I can see that.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You are like a moonbeam ♪

♪ Easy to behold ♪

♪ I am just a tiger, baby ♪

♪ I was born in a hole ♪

♪ Born in a hole ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey♪

♪ ♪

- What's he doing? That's not an organic farm.

- It's not even a nice supermarket.

♪ ♪

- ♪ You are like a moonbeam ♪

♪ Only come out at night ♪

♪ I am just a tiger, baby ♪

♪ I was born with stripes, born with a stripes ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, ♪ hey, hey ,hey ♪

- Oh, my God.

C-Town is Antrem's farms.

I knew that 50-mile claim stunk like yesterday's fish.

- Call George; he's gotta see this.

- Okay. - But don't tell him I'm here.

Just say you're in trouble.

This way when he gets here, I can explain it to him

and look heroic in his eyes.

[sultry music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Voulez-vous ♪

♪ Voulez ♪

♪ Voulez-vous ♪

♪ Voulez... ♪

- Oh, this is wonderful.

- ♪ Voulez... ♪

[phone ringing]

- Josephine, I'm sorry.

I have to--keep dancing.

Hello.

- George, look, I'm in trouble.

I need you to come to C-Town Supermarket

on 130th and Broadway immediately.

- What--why? What's going on?

- I've been falsely accused of shoplifting.

I need you.

I hope that worked.

- Uh...

I'm so sorry, but I have to go.

My #2 friend needs me.

He's been caught shoplifting in a supermarket.

He has food issues.

- Your #2 friend?

Who's your #1 friend?

- A young boy I was once very fond of,

but we're not talking anymore.

- A young boy?

- [exhales]

- Oh my God, here he is. - Hey, don't be nervous.

I can handle George. Watch this.

- Ray, what's the meaning of this?

Did you lie to me? - Jonathan made me call you.

- George, I'm really sorry friendship counseling

didn't go well.

- Did you drag me all the way up here just to apologize?

Do you know I left a singing lesson to come here?

- At midnight? - Yes.

- Well, this is really important.

- No, not breaking Emily's nose was important.

I'm gonna go.

- George, wait.

There's something I need to show you.

- Son of a bitch!

Antrem and his dirty tricks.

- But isn't it great that I discovered this?

- Yes, yes, but what are we gonna do?

- I have a plan.

You and I will go in deep, and Ray will play defense

to guard against the quarterback sneak.

- Jonathan, you know I don't follow baseball.

- Park me close to him and then act like a stock boy.

- Got it.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- Ah. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

[phone rings]

- Mr. Christopher?

When did you start working here?

- Oh, uh, well, just today actually.

- He doesn't work here, Greene. - [cackles]

- Jonathan, what are you doing here, you maggot?

- We're onto you, Greene, and Richard, and sons.

50 miles?

Your restaurant is a fraud, and we've got proof.

- How dare you belittle what Richard and I built!

- But it was built on a lie.

- Everything's built on a lie, you idiot!

- That is true, Jonathan.

- And anyway, what proof do you have?

I'm buying these chickens for my personal use.

- That's a lot of chickens.

- And also--ha!

- Hey, get-- get--George, push me.

Push me!

Left at the tortillas! Whoa!

- [groans]

You stole my phone.

- Of course I did. What a trite thing to say.

[valorous music]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

- [screams] - Ooh!

- [laughs] - [grunts]

- Incoming! Oop, reloading!

Duck! I mean chicken!

[screams]

- [yells]

♪ ♪

- You'll never get away with this, Greene!

- Clean up in aisle 6. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[victorious music]

♪ ♪

- Louis, stop.

- Raymond?

- Are you all right, George? - [laughs]

- I'm wonderful. - Really?

But I--I've failed you again.

- Yeah, but I've missed this, our calamities.

I've missed you.

- Missed you too, George.

- Oh, look who's here.

- Ray, how'd you do it?

- I have my ways.

- [wheezes]

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

- I've seen enough.

Honestly had no idea this was happening.

Ever since the arrest,

Louis just hasn't been the same, you know?

Gotta get the kid some help.

First I'm gonna take a belt to his ass!

- I did it for you.

- Get back in your coat closet, you twisted little snot!

I will call "The Times" and have them

print a complete retraction.

- I don't wanna destroy you, Richard.

I just want a level playing field.

- Oh, that's so admirable of you, George.

You know you're weak in most every way that's important,

but you do play fair.

- Thank you.

Our business here is done.

- Ray, wait.

- I'll catch up with you guys in a second.

- Tell me it meant nothing to you.

Our kiss?

- Louis...

that erection you felt against your leg

was purely involuntary.

- I didn't feel any erection.

Oh. - Oh, you didn't?

[clears throat]

It doesn't matter, okay? This has to end now.

I have enough women in my life.

- I understand.

For nearly 40 years I've waited for love and sympathy.

[choked up] I can wait a bit longer.

- Okay.

- Ray seems to have a real wizard-like effect on Greene.

- He says it's because Greene's a fan of his Super Ray comic.

- That makes sense, the power of art.

Hey, you and I should start thinking about

our trip down to Key West to visit the Hemingway house.

And then if you want,

we can go on down to Cuba and see his place there.

- Really? - Yeah, sure.

I've always wanted to return to Havana.

I had a lost weekend there once.

Oh, here's our wizard.

Everything all right with Greene?

- Yeah.

Is it too early to get a drink?

- No, never too early for

a well-made organic Bloody Mary.

You get your vitamins from the tomato juice,

and the celery gives you your fiber.

- And the vodka helps you with your mood

first thing in the morning, which is healthy.

- Exactly.

- You guys know a lot about nutrition.

- Well, I do own a restaurant, you know.

[Matt Duncan's "1,000 Boys"]

- ♪ There's a thousand boys ♪

♪ With their hearts in their mouths ♪

♪ So I hadn't had the heart to spit it out ♪

♪ That I'm smitten with my worries and my doubts ♪

♪ No lovelorn prince would ever dare to sing about ♪

♪ This record's skipping on a sigh ♪

♪ You should know it's not that I would rather be ♪

♪ Ambivalent in "C" ♪

♪ But I've been quiet for so long ♪

♪ It's only for the love of song ♪

♪ That I read these tired letters ♪

♪ Give me time, I will do better ♪

♪ Better, better ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, give me time ♪

♪ I will do better ♪