All language subtitles for Bored.to.Death.S03E04.We.Could.Sing.a.Duet.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

[bright tone]

[sneaky music]

- ♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you,
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death,
cut, mad, and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut,
mad, and lonely ♪

- [coughs]
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad, and lonely ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[gunshots crack]

[gunfire blasts]

[gunfire continues]

- You know, I think I was
aiming so well

because Emily's making me
go on a date tonight

with Bernard,
and I don't wanna go.

- Well, you don't have to do
anything

you don't want to do, okay?

Just wear two pairs of
underwear;

that'll slow him down.

- No, no,
I can handle Bernard.

That's not the problem.

It's their relationship
that's eating at me.

I need the two of you
to sabotage their engagement.

- Sabotage?

- I know that's
strong language,

but things
have gotten worse.

They're talking about
having children now.

She told me that her e--

that her eggs are
like plums, very ripe.

- Really?
Plums?

- Yes, but the truth is,

she's still maturing
and he's half dead.

You know, I have to save her
from herself somehow.

We gotta get Bernard
out of the picture.

- We could bring him here
and accidentally shoot him.

I'm such a bad shot, we could
probably get away with it.

- No, no, look, here--here's
what we do:

take her out tonight,
show her a youthful time.

Show her what she'll be missing
by marrying some old fart.

- We can do that.
- I can't.

I finally became
un-constipated, creatively.

Only took about a year.
- Okay, all right.

Then it's up to you,
Jonathan.

Please take her dancing,
you know, have an adventure,

go to Coney Island, anything.

Like a date, but platonic.

- Okay, I'm good at platonic.

It's my default sexual setting,
after nervous.

- Thank you.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

- What are you working on,
sweetheart?

- I finally made a breakthrough
on "Super Ray 2."

His son Super Spencer

is kidnapped by
The Emasculator,

kind of a half-woman,
half-plant.

- She looks like
a Georgia O'Keefe painting,

except when you punch her,

she gives you
a urinary tract infection.

- Okay, you know
what you're doing.

You know, just work
a few more minutes

and then get started
on your chores.

- Look, can you do them today?

I'm feeling, like,
really potent and thick.

It's like my pencil
is Ron Jeremy.

Usually I'm like this,

but today I'm more like
just right on target,

like just really
banging it out.

- Yeah, but Ray,
that's not fair.

I work all week
and today's my day

to just be with the girls.

You know that.

- But I wanna to draw!

[dispirited music]

♪ ♪

Of course.

Ow!
God!

♪ ♪

Ow!
God.

[groans]

Slimming.

♪ ♪

- New York is so lit up.

I guess everyone's
afraid of the dark,

but it's a great view.

- Yeah, it's great, but only
a young person like me

would live above a clock that

makes the whole apartment
shake.

- Wait, what?
- You'll see.

In a minute this place
will have

a case of delirium tremens.

Want a glass of wine?
- Oh no, thanks, just water.

- I'm sorry I don't have
anything else to offer you.

As a youthful bachelor,

I live off white wine
and avocados.

[clears throat]
- Thanks.

[gears clank]
Whoa--oh.

- You know, you look
a lot like George.

I can see him hidden
in your features.

- Really?
- You know, we're very close.

He's like a father to me,
which I kind of need.

I'm searching
for my biological dad,

but the trail's gone cold.

- Oh, but aren't you
a private detective?

I saw your ad on Craigslist.

Your slogan was funny.

- But I don't have a slogan.
- Yeah, you do.

"Need a dick?"
[laughs]

- [chuckles]

That is catchy,
but it's not mine.

- No, look.

- Hmm.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

I have a double.

- The girls are
all tucked in.

- That's good.

- Ray, is this the wrapping
from the chicken?

- Yeah, why?

- You took the sticker
off an apple.

- Well, yeah, uh...

the apple is organic, so...

- You let the girls eat
a factory-farmed chicken?

That's in their perfect
bellies right now?

- My back was spasm-ing,
I couldn't walk

the extra block to
Trader Joe's.

I'm sorry.

- I can't believe this.
You poisoned them.

You know I don't allow
any industrial food

in their bodies.

- Leah, I--
- You put hormones into them.

And I showed you that article
on early breast development.

What were you thinking?

- I don't think
one industrialized chicken

is gonna set off puberty.

I didn't start developing
breasts until I was...

I was in my 30s--yeah,
I was in my 30s.

- Ray, the one thing
you're supposed to do

is shop for organic food
and clean the house.

That was our agreement.

- I do.
That's all I do.

You know, I don't even
get drunk anymore,

I only get stoned.

I didn't draw Super Ray today.

I only hang out with Jonathan
three times a week.

I'm sick of being
a Park Slope mom.

- Well, that's because
you're not a Park Slope man.

- Son of a bitch.
[mutters]

- Did you just call me a bitch?

- No, but I would like to.

- Get out!

- Leah, ow!
My back!

- You called me a bitch.
- No, I didn't.

I said I would like to.
There's a huge difference!

- Please leave.
I need some space.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry

and that I'll try to be

a better person.

Okay?

- This restaurant
isn't open yet,

so this is sort of a preview,
like a Broadway show.

You know, like "Spider-Man"
or "Cats."

- You know,
as a T.S. Eliot fan,

I have to say I did love "Cats"
when it first came out.

- Yeah, there was a lot
of pussy in that show, huh?

[chuckles]
- Bernard.

- What?

I thought this was
gonna be a boys' night out.

Emily told me that
you like dirty jokes,

so--I don't know.

Well, here we are.

- Yeah, do you mind if I take
a quick hit of pot?

It makes the food better.

- Well, no, actual--no, act--
actually I do mind.

See, Emily loves to smell me,

and I wanna respect
her sobriety.

I just--I can't have pot smoke
all over my clothing.

- She won't smell anything.
Just--

- No, George, George,
George, please.

You know, Emily would like you
to be more attuned,

like a shaman, to her issues.

That's why we came here,
for you to know her again.

- All right, all right.
Okay, okay, no pot.

Just quit preaching.

- I'm not preaching.
- Let's just go in.

Funny, this sign looks
just like my sign.

[jazz piano playing]

♪ ♪

- George, what a surprise.

Jesus, you look gaunt.

Is the gruel you're serving
at George on Jane

making you sick?

Who's your boyfriend?

- Oh, Bernard, Antrem.

Antrem, Bernard.
What are you doing here?

- What, are you having
a mini stroke or something?

I'm the Richard in
Richard & Sons,

you addled old sissy.

- Thanks for doing this.

After I confront him,

we can go to this magic show
in Williamsburg,

which will be very youthful.

- Why do you keep emphasizing

that we're gonna do
youthful things?

Oh, Jonathan Ames?

- Sometimes.
How can I help you, blondie?

- Who are you?
Why are you impersonating me?

- I was wondering
when you might show up.

Would love to talk to you
sometime, fish bait,

but I'm busy.

- Fish bait?
What do you mean, you're busy?

Explain yourself.

You can't just
walk away from me.

You've stolen my name.

- Another time, skin tag.

I'm on a case and I don't
want to be late.

Won't be good
for our reputation.

- You're on a case?

But you're wearing
a windbreaker.

- ♪ Nothing's too good
for my baby ♪

- ♪ For my baby ♪

♪ 'Cause baby is so good
and kind to me... ♪

- Hey...

- Aren't you that
good-looking kid

who was looking for
his girlfriend's dog?

- Yeah, don't rub it in.

- Why?
What's the matter?

- She kicked me out of
the house.

- Mind if I join you then?

- You're blue, I'm lonely.

We could sing a duet.

- Sure.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

- Yeah.

- Another Bailey's for me,
neat.

And a--

- Whiskey.
- Whiskey for handsome here.

- I can't believe
I have an impersonator.

Why isn't he trying harder
to look like me?

- How do you know
he isn't trying?

We don't know what
he looked like before.

- Good point.

I'm sorry if we miss
this magic show,

but I gotta figure out
what this nut is up to.

- Oh no, are you kidding me?
This is much more exciting.

I feel really stimulated.

- Good.
I love following people.

When I do it, I pretend
like I'm a spy.

- Wait, you're
a private detective

who pretends that he's a spy?

- Yeah, it's like wearing
layers in the winter,

but with fantasy.

- Quit following me, gumshoe!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- How did you know
we were...

Where did you even learn
to be a detective?

- I read your book.
- Really?

Did you like it?

- So-so.

Your endings are weak,
and I found a typo.

- My endings are
intentionally vague.

But one book isn't
enough training.

I read all of
Hammett and Chandler

before I went professional.

- All right, lord it over me,
ass rash,

but you and the frail
better quit trailing me.

I don't like it.

- Tough shit.
We're coming on the case.

- All right, but only because

it'll be nice to have
a broad on a stakeout.

It'll help pass the time.

We can play "Spin the Dame."

- I can't believe Antrem
is cultivating Salman Rushdie.

I mean,
he's my number-one customer.

He loves our line-caught
striped bass.

You should never
have brought me here.

- Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

- George Christopher,
welcome.

Oh, please tell me
that Jonathan hasn't

infected the premises, has he?

- No, no, he's not here.

But what are you doing, Louis?
I don't understand the costume.

- I know it's unusual to see me
in such a reduced station,

but Richard was
good enough to hire me

under the work release program

after I was
arrested for vandalizing

the "Dick Cavett" set.

- Oh, well, I'm sorry--sorry
about that.

But let me ask you something:

why is this place
called Richard & Sons?

Antrem doesn't have
any children.

- No, that's true, but he's
always wanted male heirs

and I think
Richard and I both agree

that I fulfill the role of son
in Richard & Sons.

- I'm sorry to be a fussbudget,
but it's plural, sons.

- Yes, we're also thinking
about adopting

one of the Filipino
busboys, you know,

to complete the family
and tax purposes.

- What did I say about
talking to guests?

- Sorry, Richard.
Excuse me, gentlemen.

I've got to go verbally lash
my coworkers.

Out of my way!

Excuse me!

- He's a good boy.

I love humiliating him.
You can see how deep it cuts.

- Richard, why did you
open a restaurant?

- Saw what you did, hated it,
thought I could do better.

- That's not very pleasant.
- I'll handle this.

You know, that wasn't
very pleasant.

You know something?
You're nothing but a copycat.

- That's pretty tough talk
for someone

who has to go 100 miles
to get his radicchio.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- All of our produce
and proteins

come from within 50 miles
of New York.

And you claim 100, do the math.

I'm gonna dominate
the artisanal scene.

- 50 miles?
Well, that's not possible.

- Looks like lover boy
needs a drink.

- This is bad.

This is very bad.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God, that's obscene.

This is a really good case.

- I wanna look.
- No, it's too upsetting.

Are you a member of PETA?

- Don't protect her;
she's a grown woman.

What are you, a C cup?

- Oh, don't be rude,
and you, don't stop me.

I wanna look.

Oh yeah, mm-hmm.

That doesn't bother me.
I used to be a plushie.

- Really?

- Yeah, I've had a lot
of phases.

- That's good.

I like troubled women,
makes 'em needy.

- So what's the plan?

- I gotta get a picture
of that horny tiger

with his helmet off.

That's the one I'm trying
to catch in the act.

- Who hired you?
- Tiger's boyfriend.

He's a handsome power bottom,
but not a plushie.

Tiger over there
was supposed to give up

his taste for the fur.

- I've worked these kinds
of cases.

- Yeah?

Well, the only thing
to do now is wait.

- That's one way
to go about it.

- What's the other way?

- We could, uh...
- [chuckles]

This is how real detectives
pass the time.

Want a hit, dollface?
It'll improve my looks.

- Um, no, thank you.
- I'll have some.

I've also got pot,
which is another way

that real detectives...
pass the time.

♪ ♪

- I'm on supervised visits
with my son.

I only get to play with him
in front of his mother.

[sighs]

I have no income
and my art career is shit

and my girlfriend hates me.

- I feel for you, Ray.
You got nothing going for you.

- Well, I--
- It's like a bad run in cards.

But these things pass
and then you get a good run.

But I know when you're losing,

it feels like you're
gonna lose forever.

- Yeah, that's where
I am right now--all bad cards.

Plus I have back spasms.

- I had a streak like yours
in my 40s.

My husband Nat got drunk
one night

and slept with my sister.

She was having a breakdown,
going haywire,

wasn't thinking clearly.

And he--he was a man.

- I understand.

- [chuckles]

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- That tiger's head
has a functional mouth,

so I don't think he's ever
gonna remove it.

- He will.

After he comes, he'll lose
interest and take the head off.

Underneath that costume
is a man.

- What's that
supposed to mean?

- After an orgasm,
a male,

even a plushofile,
just wants to move on.

Kiss me a few times

and I'll prove my theory
to you.

- Hey, let's keep this civil.

- Yeah, back off, Romeo,
I'm engaged.

- To this pimple
of a preschooler?

- No, no, to a much, much
older man.

- Wha--

- I'm sorry.
I'm stoned.

That's what George told me.

- Oh, my God.
Ugh, my dad is such a jerk.

What exactly did he say
about Bernard?

- Nothing, just that he's older

and that he wanted me
to show you

a youthful good time
and that's it.

- Bullshit.

As somebody with borderline
personality disorder,

I'm like a human polygraph,
and I can tell you're lying.

- Forget that.
What else did George say?

I really want you to tell me.

You have to tell me.

Otherwise, I'll just make it up
and it'll probably be worse.

- He's just very concerned
about you having children.

He said that you were talking
about your ripe plums--

- He talked about my plums?

- Yes, but in a loving way.

- Ugh!
Grr!

Fuck him!

- Sweetheart, your dad
sounds like a real perv.

But you do have gorgeous plums.
I love a C cup.

Just take a slug and relax.

It'll be good for you.

- Ugh!

- Now we're on a stakeout.

[jazz piano playing]

♪ ♪

- We might as well be
sitting in the kitchen.

- Oh, George, I'm so sorry
about all this.

I wanted us to have
a good time.

I want you to like me.
I like you.

- Look, I don't care about that
right now.

I'm trying to observe
the competition.

If Antrem gets
the artisanal crowd,

it could be the end
of George on Jane.

It'd be the end of me,
because stupidly, I invested

all my money in it.

[glass clinking]

- Can I have
your attention, please?

Thank you so much
for coming

to the opening
of Richard & Sons.

As some of you may know...
- Do you mind?

- We are trying to elevate

New York City's connection
with its food.

We promote
only truly local fare

grown by vegans and
conscientious objectors.

[applause]

Some restaurants
in New York City,

like that salmonella shack
George on Jane,

falsely claim
that 100 miles is local.

I say why travel that far,

when New York City itself
is far greener than that?

And itself provides
an eco-role-model--

- Oh--oh, a rat just
ran up my pant leg.

A large rat.

Oh, my God, there it goes!

- Ahh!
I think I see it!

- Everybody calm down.

- Something just
ran over my foot.

- Fire!
- Fire?

- What?
- I think the rat's on fire!

- Wait.
You senile bitch!

There's no fucking rat on fire.

[clinking glass]

Assholes!

- Tiger is going to the door.

[camera shutter clicks]

Holy shit, threesome.

We could learn something
from these dudes.

- Mm, let me see,
Mr. Borderline.

[chuckles]

- Here you go.

It's hot when you're
dismissive; keep it up.

- Yeah.

Nice dance.

Okay, I'm gonna go down to
the bar and take a squirt.

- Emily?

Are you all right?

- Yeah--yeah, I'm fine.
I just have to pee.

- Be sure to layer the seat
with TP.

That place looked nasty.

Gotta keep that hot ass clean.

She's blitzed.
I like it.

Yeah, this is getting good.
- Yeah.

So why exactly are you
pretending to be me?

- What do you care?
- What do you mean?

Of course I care.

I've never had my identity
stolen before.

I've never been that popular.

- Well, I read about you
in the paper,

and I figured I could
do what you do.

I watch a lot of noir films
and I'm on disability.

- Jesus, that hardly
qualifies you.

- Shut up!
- No, I won't shut up.

And as my impostor,
I think you should be

a bit more respectful
towards me.

- All right, all right,

don't get your braids
in a knot.

Hey, tiger's going
back to the door.

This orgy's getting bigger.

- Oh, my God, that's Emily.

- Good girl.

Now just get out of the way
so I can see his face.

Oh my God, that tiger
smacked her!

Let me see.

Oh, shit.

- Those animals are gonna
eat her!

- Let's go!
We gotta save her!

- A mop?

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[panting]
I'm right behind you.

- We didn't mean to hurt her.

- [panting]

Holy shit.

Smells like fur and jizz
in here.

- [munching]
- I like the way you eat.

You have a nice body.
- Thank you.

- It's like a fat prick.

That's how my Nat was.

- I can't eat more.

My girdle's pinching me.

- You know what you should
try for your back?

Oxycontin, I was on it
when I got my new hip.

It's good for the whole body.

- I've heard that stuff
is great,

especially if you snort it.

- My girlfriend Rita
told me the same thing.

You know, I didn't take
all the pills

after the surgery.

You could come back to my place

and have some if you like.

- You could call Rita,
make it a party?

- Oh.

- I'm really sorry
about everything.

- See you, sugarplums.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

We did it.

We make a great team--
my brains, your name.

- Here's what's gonna happen:
you're gonna take down that ad;

you're gonna stop using
my name;

and I'm never gonna
see you again.

- Fine!

I'm getting out of this
racket anyway.

I just needed the 1,000 bucks
to get certified

as a massage therapist.

- You charge $1,000?

[dogs barking]

- Mm, you know,

whenever I'm depressed,

I'm gonna picture Antrem's face
as it was tonight.

Even if he drives me
out of business,

I will have that to hold onto.

- You should know, George,

that if you ever do need a loan
to keep the restaurant going,

I'm here for you, all right?

- No, I couldn't do that.

- I sold my tech company
for $150 million.

I only tell you this
to reassure you

that I can help you
if you need it.

- You'd really help me?

- Well, anything for my
future father-in-law.

[cell phone ringing]

- Oh hey, you know,
no cell phones--

- Oh, Emily.

She's probably checking up
on us.

- All right, all right,
all right.

- Emily?

What?

I'll be right home.

Emily was attacked by
a homosexual tiger in Brooklyn.

[knocking]

- Emily's perfect
Christopher nose is broken.

- I'm so sorry, George.

- I can't believe that you got
her drunk and stoned.

I mean, she's in AA,
Jonathan.

- You didn't tell me that.

- Well, I'm in denial
about her sobriety.

- You're supposed to be
in denial about her using.

- No, no, no, you know,
I trusted you with my daughter.

- I followed your instructions.

We had an adventure.
I did the best that I could.

- No, you didn't.

And now she won't
talk to me anymore.

I mean, she says I'm a people,
place, and thing,

which is AA speak for
something

that causes a relapse.

- Oh, George--

- Don't you understand
what happened?

I was rebuilding
our relationship

and now I'm not a father
anymore; I'm a trigger.

- I'm sorry.
Things got out of control.

But you were the one
who wanted me to sabotage

her engagement with Bernard.

- No, not anymore.
He's a beautiful person.

But you--you crossed
every line tonight, Jonathan.

Now I just wanted
to tell you in person

I'm very, very disappointed
in you.

That's all.

- George, please.

- You know something?

Emily's taking a break from me,
so I'm taking a break from you.

- Wait, wait.

You mean like
the silent treatment?

- [mouths]

- [snoring]

[Bachelorette's "I Want To Be
Your Girlfriend"]

- ♪ I want to be
your girlfriend ♪

♪ I want to stay up
all night talking ♪

♪ And cook you breakfast
in the morning ♪

♪ We could go
on missions ♪

♪ Missions in the falcon ♪

♪ To the coast
or to Dunedin ♪

♪ We'll just keep on
cruising ♪

♪ Around ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Don't we hang out? ♪

♪ Can't we hang out? ♪

♪ Can't we hang out? ♪