All language subtitles for Bored.to.Death.S03E03.The.Black.Clock.of.Time.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

[theme music playing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the shadows
in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you
what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions
you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death
cut mad and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death
cut mad and lonely... ♪

- [coughs]
- ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut mad and lonely ♪

♪ ♪

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[curious music]

♪ ♪

- Dad?

Who would burn down
a sperm bank?

- Hey, honey, how are you?
Look what I found at the farm.

Look at that.
it's a free-range chicken.

What?

You know I can't eat
a free-range chicken.

I am allergic
to chicken and besides,

I'm a vegetarian...
- [snoring]

- [whispering] Ray, Ray.
- It's not true, Leah.

- Ray!

- Oh yeah, hi.

[groans]

Go sit with your perverted
uncle Jonathan for a while.

[groans]

- [sniffs]

God,
he smells good, Ray.

- I love to inhale him.

it's better than bacon
or sun block.

He's like baby cocaine.

- [sniffs]

That is good stuff.
- It's Darwinian, actually.

You know, they smell so good
so we'll like them.

- Shhh!
Stop talking, gay dads.

- Sorry.

- Oh God, I could use
a 10-minute nap.

I love being a father
once a week,

but it is so draining.

You know, the vigilance,

having to think
of somebody else.

[groans ]

[upbeat music]

I'd hate to be a fireman
when that sperm bank went up.

Think about all those
little semen screams.

[mimics screaming]

"Eeee! Save me!"

Thank God you got out of there
before the tragedy.

- Yeah, but the problem
is the records are destroyed

with the sperm.

I don't know how I'm
gonna find my dad now.

- Well look, maybe you don't.

You've got your dad
in New Jersey.

You've got George in Manhattan.
You've got me in Brooklyn.

How many father figures in
a 90-mile radius do you need?

- I have to find him, Ray.
I feel like half a person.

I have this image
of a test tube.

I need to replace it
with the image of a man.

- Yeah, I know.

I'd hate for Spencer to think
of me as a urine cup

filled with jizz.

- Wow, can you really
fill a whole urine cup?

- Yeah, if I eat
sunflower seeds.

- Walk me to the subway.
I've gotta go see George.

He wants to prepare me
for Dick Cavett.

Well, I'd say be yourself
on Dick Cavett.

That's what I would do.

I mean I'd be me,
not you.

- That's what everyone says,
but I don't like myself

most of the time

and I really need to do well
to help sell the book.

My publisher isn't
very happy with me.

- Well, I still say just
be yourself, okay?

Cross your legs like a man
and don't wave your arms around

like a little girl.

And don't snack
on your thumb.

[jazz music]

- And the Ferris wheel--
no, carousel!

Carousel was
going round and round

like a mad dream
and we were ducking bullets.

I mean, it was--it was
frightening, but exhilarating.

- Wow.

Well, it's great hearing
all these stories about you

and Jonathan, but, um,

there's something Bernard
and I want to show you.

- Mmm.

- Isn't it beautiful, Dad?

It came from
the earth's mantle.

- And Emily gave me
a hemp dog collar

as my ceremonial
engagement ring.

- But I didn't give
my permission yet.

- We couldn't wait, George.

- Yeah, Lisa, our medium,
said we had to act right away.

- You went to your
medium before me?

- She's telepathic,
but she doesn't mind

picking up the phone.
- I'm sorry.

I--I was going to give
my permission today.

Just so you know.
Great.

Congratulations.
- My new dad, huh?

Good, come here.
We should go camping!

We could share a tent!
- Yeah.

- Spencer, let's go take
a little break

and play right over here,

then we'll go home and do
some finger-painting.

Right, buddy?
You and your hat.

[upbeat music]

Hi, ladies.
Mind if we join you?

I'm, uh, Ray Hueston

and this is
my good-looking son Spencer.

women: Hi.
- Oh, I'm Susan.

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Stephanie.

- Hi.

Sure is a lot
of suckling going on.

Usually when I walk by,

there's one or two women
going at it,

but eight seems like
a lot all at once.

- Well, we're a support group
for breastfeeding.

- Can I join?
[laughter]

- Um, it's kind
of a mothers' thing.

- Oh, a bunch of snobs,
are you?

Yeah, I think in the future

you'll be asking
us men to join.

Maybe we'll start our own
breastfeeding group.

- Really?
- Definitely.

You know, the male nipple
is dormant,

but I think in about 750 years
we'll be able to nurse.

I speak from experience.
- Oh wow.

- Yeah.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- You hungry?

I think all of this is
making him hungry.

I'll just give him this,
unless--

one of you will let
Spencer have a tug.

- I'm tapped, so--

- How about you?

Anything left?
- No, I'm sorry.

- Both--both sides?

- I read a thing that
a woman columnist wrote

about you one time
and she said,

"Mitchum was born the kind
of man that does not have

to seek women because
they come to him."

- [chuckles]

Were that true.

- Is that--that's not true?

- They come to me
with their troubles.

You know.
[George laughs]

- See, now that's the way
to handle yourself on Cavett.

Be cool, manly,
world-weary.

You know,
show a capacity for sin.

Play the rascal.

- Mmm, and should I cross
my legs like this,

or like this?
Crotch open or crotch closed?

Ray says crotch open.

- Yeah, I--I differ from Ray
on this point.

I think that the closed crotch
is more sophisticated.

it keeps 'em guessing.

- Okay, that does seem
more natural.

- I really want you to hit it
out of the park tonight.

With all the bookstores
closing,

this could be your last shot
at literary success.

- Oh God.
- So can we switch to me now?

- Sure, but can we study
Mitchum a little bit more?

- In a second.
I have a pressing headline.

Emily and that crazy Bernard
went ahead and got engaged

without my blessing.
- Would you have given it?

- No!

No, I mean,
she's gonna be hurt.

He's too old
and eccentric.

They do dog role-play.
- Hm.

- Luckily he's the dog,
but still.

- Well, have you tried
talking to her?

Somehow gently expressing
your reservations?

- No, no, I always
screw up with her.

I mean, I try to improve,
but it's--

it seems easier just
to make the same mistake

over and over
again like an idiot.

- I understand.

- You know I'm a better
father to you

than I am to her?
I mean, what's that about?

I don't know.

I think what makes you
a good father to me

is--is that you take
an interest in me--

that we talk.

- Yeah, but it's
easier with you.

You know, I don't care
if you fail at life;

it's not a reflection on me.

- I take back what I just said
about you being a good father.

- [chuckles]

- But I still think
you should talk to her.

[quirky music]

- Okay, little guy,
all set there.

- Excuse me.

- Oh right, gosh.
Of course.

Thank you
very much.

[babies crying]

Same time next week?

Do you guys do like
an E-mail blast

as far as when you meet here?
- We don't.

- No?
All right, all right.

Have a good one.

- You too.
- Bye.

All right, Spencer.

Let's go, buddy.
Are you ready?

Okay.

Bye, ladies.
- Bye-bye.

♪ ♪

- I'm really nervous.
My tongue feels swollen.

Is that a stroke symptom?
- Stop it!

Only positive thinking.
You need to do well tonight.

I want a clip of this
to end up on YouTube.

- Could you just
look at my tongue?

Because it's not fitting
in my mouth.

- No, in 25 years I have never
looked at an author's tongue.

- Sorry.
- Well, that's not true.

[clicks tongue]
Why do all my lovers die?

It's like I'm a black widow.

- All your lovers die?
- No, not all.

But a lot.
- Hi, Jonathan.

I can take you back
to the green room now.

- Okay, sweetie, good luck.
I'll be rooting for you.

Remember, positive thinking.

Don't fail.

[suspenseful music]

- So just be relaxed.

Dick likes it to be
a conversation.

- Right, right.

- And tonight's theme
is young writers,

so you'll just talk
about your book.

Oh, one thing,

maintain eye contact
with Dick at all times.

Don't look at the camera.

- Right, no camera, make eye
contact with his dick.

Sorry, just--
[clears throat]

- And here is the green room.
- Yes, this is the green room.

- Oh, God.

- Jonathan,
this is Louis Greene.

He'll be following you
on the show.

And Louis,
this is Jonathan Ames.

- Hello, Jonathan.

Your most recent publication
was unwarranted

and ill-deserved,
did you know that?

- Okay, I'll be back in a few
minutes to take you to makeup.

- Oh sure, take your time.

So I read your book,
if you can call it that.

I can't believe you plagiarized

my award-winning story
for "The New Yorker" magazine.

- What are you talking about?

We both wrote about
the coke dealers.

Two different takes--
like "Rashomon."

- That's not the "Rashomon"
I remember.

Well, I suppose
you could argue that

your work is derivative
of mine,

but that would be like saying
a monkey with a paintbrush

is a distant relation
of Van Gogh.

- Can you just attack me
in your mind and not out loud?

I'd like to concentrate.
I need to prepare.

- Oh, you need to prepare?
I don't.

No, you see, I was reared
on "The Dick Cavett show."

My father and I
would watch every night.

He made me transcribe

each episode so we could
reenact it the next day.

I used to love
to be Gore Vidal.

Oh, but then you probably
don't know who that is.

- What exactly are
you doing here, Louis?

You don't have a book out.

- No, I don't, but my agent
says my appearance on the show

is going to create
a bidding war for my novel,

"The Black Clock of Time."

- What?
"The Black Cock of Time"?

- Oh, you fiendish baboon.

"The Black Clock of Time."

it's a nuclear
holocaust novel

set in the past.

- Sorry, tricky title.
- it's not a tricky--

- [growls]

- Jonathan, I'll take you
to makeup first.

- Thank you.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, keep sleeping.
Daddy needs a drink.

♪ ♪

- That guy with the beard
was really odd, right?

- He was strange, but it
must have been a mistake.

He'll come back.

You know, he left his
own son here.

- How do we know
that's his son?

I mean, people passing
by him now

probably think my daughter
is his daughter.

- Yeah, he was
a little off.

He wanted us to breastfeed
the little boy.

- Okay,

I just Googled "Ray Hueston"
and it led me to this.

[dramatic music]

- Oh...

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

He's a monster.

- Sorry it took me
so long to get over here.

I was on the phone with mom

and I walked east
instead of west

and then north
instead of south.

- She says hello.
- How is your mom?

- She's good--crazy, manic.
- [chuckles]

Did you know that she turned
her house in Costa Rica

into an eco-friendly
bed and breakfast?

No, I hadn't heard
about that.

You know, actually

my restaurant has a very
minimal eco-footprint.

I only get produce from farms

within 100 miles
of New York City.

- Why do you always have
to compete with Mom?

Why do you have to trump
everything she does?

- I'm not try--

I'm sorry everything I say
seems to annoy you.

- So am I.

Okay, so what did you
want to talk to me about?

- Well, I'm sure it's going
to piss you off again,

but I'm just concerned
that I was such a--a--

such a failure as a father

that Bernard is some kind
of weird Freudian substitute.

- Oh wow, you're really good.
That does piss me off.

Wait, you know
I reject Freud.

- Sweetheart,
Freud's very important.

- I can't believe you're making
my engagement about you.

He's your substitute?
- Yes!

He's practically
the same age as me.

He's gonna be dead
in 20 years.

30--30 years maybe.

- I don't care that he's old.
I'm like Woody Allen.

- My heart wants him.
- No, no, don't--don't--

Don't use Woody Allen.

That's worse--that's worse
than the Twinkie defense.

- No, it's not.

Dad, this is the first time
in my life,

and probably my past lives,
that I haven't felt lonely.

- Oh, sweetheart.
- Dad, I love him.

I wish you could respect that--
or at least pretend to.

- No, no, I do respect that.

I always manage to say
the wrong thing.

It's like I have
a limp emotionally.

Come here, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you more than that.
- See, whoa!

Competitive.

- Well--
[sighs]

- Be sure and pick up
Danny Woodside's new book.

it's called "Splitsies:

A Child's Perspective
on Divorce."

- Thank you, Dick.
- Good to see you.

[applause]

[upbeat music]

Now, our next young writer
has just come out

with a new book
of mystery stories,

and it is called
"The Blonde in the Woods."

So please welcome
Jonathan--uh, Ames.

Jonathan Ames.

[applause]

Jonathan.

[upbeat music]

[audience gasps]
Ooh.

[laughs]

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- We don't require
dramatic entrances.

- [laughs] Good one, Dick.

-Sorry, the glasses--
I couldn't see.

- By the way, it's not terribly
wise to wear sunglasses

on television.

Do you think maybe
you could do without them?

- Oh yes, sorry.
-Yeah.

Now, um, as for your
latest escapade--

Jonathan, we don't have
smoking on television.

- Right.

- You see,
we're in New York City

and you can't even smoke
in your own apartment now.

- [chuckles]

- Sorry, I was trying
to channel Robert Mitchum.

- Oh, this is too delicious.
He's like a mental pygmy.

Oh, I love it, I love it,
I love it.

[Polysic's
"Electric Surfin' Go Go"]

- [humming along]

♪ ♪

- Well, Jonathan,
you not only write mysteries,

you solve them.

Are you working
on a case right now?

My wife hasn't
hired you, has she?

- Um, I'm actually my own
client at the moment.

I'm searching
for my biological father.

- Wow, that's quite a case.

Uh, damn, we have to stop right
now for some commercials.

We'd love it if you
could stay and maybe

talk some more about
all this after the break.

- Sure, really?
- Okay.

We'll be back then,
after this break,

with Jonathan Ames.

Don't go away.

Okay.

- Is everything going okay,
Dick?

- Yeah, good.
Look, listen.

Let's cancel the next guest.

This father stuff is good.
We're in "Oprah" territory.

- All right,
you got it.

[upbeat music]

- What do I think about
the state of American culture?

Well, Dick, I think we could
make penicillin

out of American culture.
I mean, look at Jonathan Ames.

Thank you.

I'm glad the audience
found that amusing.

Perfect.
[door opens]

- Um, Mr. Greene?

- Oh hi, Liz.
Oh, is this it?

Am I going on?
How do I look?

- You know,
actually we're gonna have

to bump you from the show.
These things happen.

Mr. Cavett wants to extend
the segment with Mr. Ames.

- With--with Jonathan?

[laughs]
You don't understand.

I have been preparing
my whole life

to intellectually engage
with Dick Cavett,

not Jonathan Ames.
- There's nothing I can do.

- No, please listen.

My father is watching, okay?
This is everything to us.

I mean, they even took
Daddy off his thorazine

just for tonight
so he could watch, so--

- I'm so sorry, Mr. Greene.

- Just put me on
for a couple of seconds.

Just a few seconds.
Okay, I'll level with you.

I have crippling debt and my
agent says that my novel,

"The Black Clock of Time,"
will not sell

unless I am on the show.
- "The Big Black Cock of Time"?

- No, you subnormal illiterate.

"The Black Clock of Time."

It isn't hard.
I didn't say "big."

Why would you say that?

What's wrong with you?
- You're bumped, Mr. Greene!

- No, please, Liz.

[upbeat music]

[screams]

♪ ♪

- He's some kind
of sick cartoonist.

All he draws are penises,
and he has my little girl.

- Can you describe
the penises?

- B--big.

- I am curious about one thing:
do you have a nemesis,

the way Sherlock Holmes
had Professor Moriarty?

- Well, I don't want to speak
poorly of him on air,

but my nemesis was going
to be your next guest,

Louis Greene.
- What?

- Really?
- But I do feel bad for him.

I was told once that his
father, a child psychologist,

experimented on him.
- Experimented on him?

What kind of experiments?
- Made him sleep in a box.

Sensory deprivation,

transcription of television
shows--

that sort of thing.
- Whew, that's terrible.

The father sounds like
the poor man's B.F. Skinner.

[audience laughs]
- What a kook.

- This must stop.

[quirky music]

- Hi, 52nd, between
9th and 10th, please.

"The Cavett Show."

- Hi, I'm parks commissioner
Adrian Benepe,

letting you know about
a program that offers...

- How do you t--
how do you turn--

- This is an urgent alert

from the New York
Police Department.

- Ray?
Oh, my God.

- If you have any information
pertaining to this matter...

- Oh, Ray.

- Please contact
your local authorities...

- Excuse me,
can I borrow your phone?

I lost mine in--in a mailbox.

I have to call my friend.
He's in trouble.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Uh, but please don't
call Pakistan.

The CIA doesn't like it
when I do that.

- Ah, 917...

917--oh, who am I kidding?

My mind is shot.

I haven't memorized
a phone number in years.

Could you hurry up, please?

[taxi accelerates]
- Okay.

- Well, I don't have
a lot of clues,

but even if I find
my biological dad,

I do want to make it clear
that my dad who raised me

was a wonderful father...
- Eh, excuse me.

Where is the lever that
controls the curtain, please?

- [shushes]

- Especially since
he's watching.

- I'm glad to hear
he's watching.

We could use
the ratings.

[audience laughs]

- My mom's also watching.
- Okay then.

All the better.
You know, we're almost funny.

We should have a comedy show.
- You're funny.

I'm just--

- You know, with all
that we've talked about

I just can't help thinking

that not knowing who
your biological father is

must be a pretty dark place.

- It is dark,
but my spirits are good.

- Hmm.
- I'm kind of an upbeat Hamlet.

- Upbeat Hamlet?

- What does he know about
"Hamlet," that idiot?

- "To be or not to be."

- Mr. Cavett,
I know I'm supposed to look you

in the eye at all times,

but could I speak directly
to the audience at home?

- Well, this is unusual,
but so are you.

And so am I.
Yeah sure, go ahead.

- Thank you.

Hello.

If anyone knows anything

about the Hudson Sperm Bank
that went up in flames

in Fair Lawn,
New Jersey, in 1981,

please help me...

- Always with
the sentimental claptrap!

- Look out, Dick!

[audience gasps, screams]

- Oh dear lord,
that's not the curtain.

Oh, fuckity.

[screams]

[exciting music]

- Who is that?
- That's my Moriarty.

- Mr. Cavett, I was just trying
to bring down the curtain.

- Jonathan, Jonathan.

We have to call Ray.
There's been an emergency.

Hey, Dick.
George Christopher.

We had lunch together
in 1979 with Norman Mailer.

- Whatever.

- It was a while ago.

- ♪ Let me introduce
to you a brand new dance ♪

♪ I know you gonna love it
if you give it one chance ♪

♪ It's not complicated,
it's not too hard ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ You don't even have
to be a hip-hop star... ♪

[phone ringing ]

[baby crying]

[gasps]
God!

[baby crying]

Who are you
and where is Spencer?

[baby crying]

[dramatic music]

[siren blurts]

♪ ♪

[siren wails]

♪ ♪

- And up.
- Be careful, this is a...

- Still not picking up.
- Maybe he's in hiding.

I never would have thought
he'd kidnap a child.

- Oh, Mr. Cavett.
- [grunts]

- Thank you so much
for having me on your show.

I'm sorry about--

- Oh, nothing
to be sorry about.

This was
fantastic TV.

And, my lad, you are going
to sell a shitload of books.

- Thank you.
- [laughs]

Oh, uh, good luck on your dad.

- Get me down,
you oxen.

What do I pay
my taxes for?

- Here, let me go around.
- Whoa, easy, easy.

I had the chicken kiev
at the Russian Tea Room.

So--oh.

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

- Ray Hueston?
You're free to go.

- You're hurting me.
Easy.

♪ ♪

Ray?
Ray, thank God you're here.

- Louis?

- Help me.
- Get in there.

- The sandwiches
aren't half bad!

[door clangs]

♪ ♪

- Hi

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hi.
- [kisses]

- Is Spencer all right?

- Yes, he's with Renee
in Ditmas Park.

Everyone realizes
it was a big mistake,

but, Ray--
- What?

- Renee's worried about you
being alone with Spencer.

She wants to reconsider
the arrangement.

- Oh, God.

- I'm sorry, Ray.
- I'm sure she'll come around.

Yeah, I once left Emily
locked in a car

when she was five years old and
her mom got over it.

We didn't speak
for a year, but...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, of course I'll write a
letter to your parole officer.

- Thank you, papi.
- It's the least I can do.

Oh, thank you, Jose.

They took my cravat,
you know.

- [gasps]

- The navy blue one.
- Oh.

- This is a monstrous place.

- ♪ Oh, my bills are all due ♪

♪ And the baby needs shoes ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm busted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Cotton is down
to a quarter a pound ♪

♪ But I'm busted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got a cow
that went dry ♪

♪ And a hen
that won't lay ♪

♪ A big stack of bills
that gets bigger each day ♪

♪ The county will haul
my belongings away ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm busted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I went to my brother
to ask for a loan ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm busted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I hate to beg
like a dog for a bone ♪

♪ But I'm busted ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I mean, nothing ♪