Original subtitles

Uh, what'd he say?

I said, "With luck, you will tell us how this incredible condition occurred."

Oh, yeah, sure thing. I'll be glad to let you know.

But let's get this over with first. I can tell you later, huh?

What? What?

Well, they insist, in the interest of medical science,

that you tell us now.

Yeah. Okay.

I might as well start at the beginning.

My name is Dobbs. Fred C. Dobbs.

I own and operate a fishing charter boat out of Boca Negra, Chile.

Oh, Karlotta! Oh, Karlotta!

Help, Karlotta!

Help, Karlotta, help!

Help, Karlotta!

Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Let me get in there.

I'm very ticklish.

Help! Help! Help, Karlotta!

Well, not all my charters ended up that way.

Well, anyhow, there I was, two weeks short of 40,

made my last installment payment on my 50-foot twin diesel beauty,

and I was having a ball.

But things weren't always that good.

Last year

things were lousy.

Morning, dear.

Hi, Pop!

Good morning, Daddy dear.

Nancy!

Here it is, the little old money-maker, Granite Life and Casualty.

"Firm as a rock," and just as friendly.

But it was my home away from home.

Five days a week, 9:00 to 5:00 every week, 50 weeks a year.

And each day of each week, my office... Huh! An office, I called it.

My office got smaller and smaller and smaller,

and all because of pressure.

I hated the phone, but I had to make my daily calls.

Even though people I called were never in.

And when they did return my calls, they weren't in.

And, ah, yes, my secretary.

Did I have a secretary!

A 99 and 44 one-hundredths percent pure winner.

She had to have studied with the Baltimore Colts.

And no matter how hard I prayed each day, she still showed up.

How can I explain how frustrated she made me?

I know. Did you ever try putting an oyster in a parking meter?

At last, fresh air.

Well, that's the way it was.

Monday through Friday, as well as Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Same old routine every day.

But at least Saturday was worse.

Hey, knock it off! We're trying to sleep here!

Every time you come, you knock over the kid with a bike!

You ding-a-ling dummy, you!

Oh, you would, would you?

- Here, Sam. Here, Sam. - Come on, Sam.

Come here, Sam. Come on, Sam.

Come on, Sam. Here, Sam.

Pete, that silly old sink is stopped up again.

Lousy stopped-up sink.

I was just going to do that.

Well, it looks like they're bringing in a pinch-hitter for Weiscarver.

With bases loaded, two out, Pelicans trailing by three runs,

it better be their big gun. And it is.

They're bringing in Harla-Brew, and if anyone can do it, Big Jim can.

He stands up to the plate, Swanson rubs the ball, and he's ready.

He's on the mound, gets the signal from Tacheberry, and here's the pitch...

...by far the longest ball I've ever seen in all my years in baseball!

So that makes it a four to three ballgame,

thanks to Big Jim Harla-Brew,

and to the most exciting grand-slam homer of all time!

Tune in again tomorrow for another exciting edition

of the fun show, Date Your Ex-Wife.

Nancy!

Ah-ha! You got the remotes.

We were only playing.

Pete, do you mind if I take the children to the market with me?

No, as a matter of fact, they could use some air. Sure. Fine.

Take them out. NANCY: Okay.

Take, take them right with you, dear. See you later.

Sell 'em.

Why can't you do your chores first and then play Old Man and the Sea?

But, honey, you don't understand... Oh, never mind.

Just bring in the groceries.

But don't you want to help me, uh, pull...

Oh, Sam. All right, all right. Good boy.

Jennifer, Jimmy, get off of that bed! And straighten it up.

Here, dear.

Oh, thank you, honey.

You know, I hate going tonight.

You're not alone.

Well, let's not. I hate Larry Heath.

Larry Heath hates you worse and he came to our barbeque party.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

That's the baby-sitter.

I'll be right down, dear.

Hi, Mrs. Hardtack. Hi, Mrs. Hardtack.

Hi. Good evening, Mrs. Hardtack.

Put your shoes on.

Pete, hurry up!

In a minute.

We're only gonna be gone until midnight.

Can we watch a Western tonight?

We don't want any old Western. Yes, we do.

Do not! You'll watch what I watch.

...first in a series of major motion pictures.

I left the phone number and address right here, just in case.

Mmm-hmm. Well, I'll call you if anything happens, just in case.

Hi, Mrs. Hardtack. Good night, Jennifer.

Good night. Good night, Jimmy.

Good night, Mommy. Good night, Jenny.

Good night, Jimmy. Don't forget to bring us home something.

Would you please cool it?

...all brought to you by Dr. Liston, Credit Dentist.

Fill now, pay later. And now for our film, They Dare Not Love,

starring George Brent and Roddy McDowall.

Presented by Ron Mangiacavallo, Lincoln Mercury.

Furthermore, Helen, we have to be adults about this.

- No matter how hard it becomes. - I know that, Jeff.

But each day seems to bring more and more hardship.

Just how much can a mother bear?

Now, there you go again. Only thinking of yourself. Hello, Mrs. Hardtack.

That's nice.

Did everything go all right? Right.

Did the children go to bed early? Uh-huh.

Well, good night. Good night.

MAN: I hope so. WOMAN: Oh, don't be trite, Jeff.

It really isn't becoming.

I don't mean to be trite,

but I do mean to stop you from the constant, ever-repeating,

"How much can a mother bear?"

Well, why does that upset you so?

I have a right to have a mother's feelings.

Well, sure you do, but wait until we have a kid first.

Well, if you're going to pick on every little thing...

Hey! I didn't see the finish yet.

It's getting very late, Mrs. Hardtack.

It's probably the same old finish. Boy gets girl.

It was probably the butler who was the murderer, too. Here you are.

There wasn't any murder.

Well, wait till next week. Nice seeing you, bye-bye.

Forgive me, Senor, but you handled that very poorly.

I did? ALL: Oh, si, si.

I would have reversed the procedure.

Let her pay the baby-sitter. Lock the door. Forget about the club soda and...

And get into bed first? Exactamente.

That's exactamente what I did.

And? And...

Help us to overcome life's pitfalls,

unpredictabilities,

and be more likely candidates for your gifts.

We're home, Mrs. Hardtack. Oh.

Everything go all right?

Right. Did the children go to bed early?

Good night. Night.

Oh, it's late, Mrs. Hardtack.

Yes, kind of late. He's an awfully nice clergyman.

Oh, isn't he, though? Yeah, he gives the sweetest good night prayer.

Always puts me to sleep. Oh, thank you.

Say, that was awful good candy tonight.

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it.

We'll see you next Saturday. Bye. Fine. Anytime. Bye.

Oh, a misfortune, Senor. A veritable misfortune.

Well, if you think Saturdays were bad,

let me tell you about Sundays.

Is that you, dear?

Good morning, Mommy. Good morning, Daddy.

Oh. Look out, darling. Good morning, Sam.

Good morning. Sam, down.

Hello, baby. Down. Sit.

Good morning, Daddy. Good morning, sweetheart.

Sam. Sam, down Yeah, good Sam. Wait, Sam.

Lean over... Could you roll over?

Sam, you're... Most of your weight is on most of my stuff. Sam.

That's the way it goes.

No, don't... Just... Yeah.

Uh, Jennifer, pull...

Jennifer, dear, I want you to practice the scales.

Yes, Mommy.

That's very good, Jimmy.

Here, dear.

Nancy Ingersoll,

you're a homemaker extraordinaire.

Perfect wife,

perfect mother,

very attractive,

cheerful, understanding and very, very practical.

Very.

You balance our checkbook every month,

you never dent the car fenders.

You buy two for 25 instead of one for 13.

114 dollars and 93 cents to Granite Life and Casualty every month.

How do you do it? It's in the budget.

150,000 dollars worth.

And if anything were to happen to me,

you and the children would be well provided for.

Well, you can't very well argue with that.

You're in the business yourself.

You can't very well argue with anything you do.

You're the top wife of all time.

May the top wife of all time say something?

Speak.

Are you planning to go fishing again?

Huh? Are you planning to go fishing again?

Oh! Oh, uh, yeah, I was thinking about it.

Well, let's get one thing straight.

You're the boss, you're the breadwinner,

you're the head of the family, and your decision is final.

Now I'm really in trouble.

I hate to point out the following hard facts to you.

Skip the side dishes and get to the meat.

These Sunday fishing excursions of yours are costing us

eight dollars a mackerel.

After they've been filleted and shrink from cooking,

they assay in at 1.85 an ounce. That's roughly the price of silver.

Yeah, but the kids love it, and it's good for them.

They hate it. Don't you, kids?

Yes, Mother! Yes, Mother!

They hate it.

Would you like to know how much it cost to take them last Sunday?

No. But I'm sure you'll tell me.

It was five dollars for you on the half-day boat,

2.50 apiece for the kids,

1.75 to rent a pole for Jimmy.

How much did it cost to replace the dead bait?

Thirty-five dollars?

You're not under oath, but would you like to try for 50?

Yeah, 50.

That means it was more, but we'll settle for 50.

I just can't understand how you let Jennifer toss up her breakfast

in the live bait tank. I mean, the whole Pacific Ocean was only three feet away.

I was busy removing a hook from Jimmy's thumb.

7.50 for the tetanus shot.

That's 69 dollars and 25 cents.

I know, honey, but it's good for me. Look how healthy I am.

That reminds me. Speaking of healthy,

you have your doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 9:00.

This testing jazz again. You know, this makes four times?

I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think it was necessary.

All right, Suzy.

Get your clothes on and come in the office.

Pete, the heart is a muscle.

It has valves that open and close to let in the blood.

It's very similar to your car. Your car engine has valves.

Open, close, open, close, open, close.

You have an arterial coronary malfunction.

Look, I've checked, rechecked and...

And what?

Pete, that's the way these things happen.

One minute you're fine, and the next...

Well, isn't there something you can do? I mean...

Nobody knows as much about doctor stuff as you do.

I mean, what about the heart transplant. Isn't that very popular now?

Pete, you don't get a heart transplant from a Spiegel catalogue.

Maybe later.

Later?

Maybe.

What you need right now is complete bed rest.

An intensive care setup. For how long?

I really can't tell, not yet.

Well, Scott, can't you tell me...

How long do I have to live?

Come, sit down. Just sit down.

Well, like I asked you, how long?

Months.

Months?

Suzy, bring in a couple of Libriums and a glass of water, please.

Oh, I hate being a doctor right now.

I'd be very happy to swap with you right now.

Those are for me.

Cancel all the appointments for the rest of the day.

Mrs. Godfrey? All appointments.

You're a lousy friend, pulling something like this on me.

Where are you going?

I'm going home, to break the tragic news to my wife.

About the terrible thing I'm doing to my doctor.

I'm sure glad you made me take out that insurance policy.

You and the kids will never be a public charge.

With 150,000 dollars, that'll see both kids through college.

And their friends.

Jokes, Pete? Jokes, now?

I'm sorry.

Where are they going?

To sleep over next door.

Here, honey.

I'll cut expenses all around.

Sell the house,

get an apartment,

probably get a job.

How about you?

How about me? I just told you how about me.

How are we going to spend the time?

The time I have left?

Well, you know those one-a-day brand vitamin tablets?

Don't buy the economy size.

And you might as well cancel my subscription

to the Book-Of-The-Month Club. I'm gonna have to learn to read short stories.

Do you know what you're doing to me and the children?

Well, I meant no harm, dear. It's just that I've never died before.

What was your question? Oh, yeah, what am I going to do?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably go down to the office and clean up things there.

The office? Who cares about the office?

What has the office ever done for you, except overwork you?

Pete,

the following words are not the mouthings of a hysterical woman.

Why don't you go fishing?

Go fishing? Did you say, "Go fishing"?

I don't mean the half-day boat out of Malibu Pier, I mean real fishing.

Like you've always wanted.

The Caribbean. The Mediterranean.

Sure, I'd love to have you here, especially these last few weeks together.

I've been so selfish about you.

I could kick myself for every time I've deprived you of fishing.

Oh, Pete, please, get the best tackle. Fly first-class,

where the fishing's best, anywhere.

Oh, Granite Life and Casualty will really love that.

Take a leave of absence. Eat, fish, drink and be merry.

That's sounds marvelous, honey, but where am I going to get the money?

Where's your wallet?

Right here.

Granite Life and Casualty, that's where.

Diners Club, Carte Blanche, Global Express.

You can sign yourself onto any airlines.

You can go into any hotel, any restaurant.

You can buy out the best men's shops.

You can charter a boat even, and hire a crew.

You're serious?

Yeah.

You're really serious.

I'm really serious.

Okay, my administrative genius, what happens when the bills come in?

Pete, sit down.

Peter, just sit down and relax.

Feel all right, dear? Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, you see, when the bills come back from overseas,

it'll take at least two or three months...

Hold it. Hold it, Nancy. They'll collect it from you.

You're going to have 150,000 big ones.

No. No, because it'll look as if you deserted us.

You were under great emotional stress.

Your doctor can testify to that.

You just weren't responsible for what you were doing.

Granite Life is not about to take this lying down.

Granite Life doesn't have much choice.

They spend millions of dollars every year

saying that they're, "The insurance company that's all heart."

Now are they going to persecute a bereaved widow with two small children

just for a few thousand dollars?

It'd be a terrible public image.

Besides, you're only charging it to Granite, and they owe you a lot.

I don't know, Nancy.

I don't know.

But, Pete, what have you got to lose?

Well, she had me there.

See, darling? I'm all set.

You've nothing to worry about.

Nancy, you think of everything.

Do you take those?

And this has always been here? Where have I been?

In suburbia, that's where.

But I'm not there now, and I plan to take full advantage

of the tropic days, tropic nights, tropic water and tropic prices,

Carte Blanche style.

Help!

Hang on, sir, I'm coming!

Why don't you try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Jolly good idea.

I'm coming around now. I think a few more.

That last one was... Yeah, I'm fine now. Thank you.

I'm really fine.

You sure you're all right? Yes, I'm just fine, thank you.

Fine. Take care. Thank you. Yes, I appreciated

all your help.

Help!

Now this was living. Although the lifeguard wasn't bad.

The guys on the half-day boat should see me now.

It's exhausting for my condition, but I feel pretty good.

I think I feel pretty good. Yeah, I feel okay.

I think I feel okay.

Oh, you have rhythm most natural, Senor.

Thank you very much. You sure have rhythm yourself.

Well, should be. I'm dance teacher.

Oh. Oh, you're the dance teacher.

Si. Oh, I see.

They told me there was great fishing in Brazil.

And coffee, and fishing, Cesar Romero, and fishing.

We will be landing in Kingston, Jamaica,

in a matter of minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

Please stay in your seats until we have been cleared by the Jamaica Immigrations.

Thank you.

May I take your order, please?

Oh, yes.

I'll start with the French Turtle Soup,

then the Caribbean Red Snapper,

Austrian boar garni

and a Pepsi.

Uh, you are on Global Express?

Yes, sir.

Splendid.

Heart attack?

Heartburn. Just plain heartburn.

Chew on a couple of these and stay away from the rich food.

Oh. Thank you very much, Doctor, for coming.

I certainly appreciate it. Glad to be of help.

Oh, uh, Mr. Bradley, we can put the doctor's fee on my bill, can't we?

Of course, sir. Will there be anything else?

No, except, uh, in case of an emergency,

you can put my funeral on Carte Blanche, right?

It wasn't very funny. I meant it.

You gave up fishing and concentrated on dancing?

Not a chance.

I heard there was a huge school of tuna boiling off of.

Southern Portugal.

Picturesque Portugal, by the sea.

A beautiful country, with marvelous, hardworking people,

who work primarily with fish.

A very big fish export.

And if you think fish smells,

wait till you hear the rest of this story.

It's a dilly.

I took over the local pub.

Drinks were on me and Global Express.

Senor, your telephone.

Your call to Los Angeles, your wife, she no answer, Senor.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Fine. Thank you. Thanks. She don't answer. Okay.

Miss Freitas, do you really think I have natural rhythm?

Now just as a point of information,

do you think Portuguese brandy is any stronger than ours?

I would assume it's about the same.

It can't be.

Take my word for it.

Okay, wiseacre,

get ready for a power-packed contest of superhuman strength.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

You ringer.

Scott... Scotty!

Hello, Pete. Well, what are you doing here?

Well, I was going...

Come on, old buddy.

I'll get you outside before you ignite.

Couple of deep breaths will do you good.

No, Scotty, better than that, let me just get some fresh air.

That's a good idea. Fresh air, mmm.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

Forgive you?

The chances of an electro-cardiograph malfunction

are one in a million.

And I'm the one, is that it?

Oh, Pete, I know you've been through hell,

the anxiety and all, but I know you want the truth.

The fact of the matter is... Is less time.

You're trying to tell me I have less time.

I'm trying to tell you that your heart is perfect.

It's fine. You're going to live to be a senior citizen.

Isn't that great?

You quack!

I should report you to the AMA.

Why didn't you let me die?

I've been living like I'm dying.

I must have signed 40 or 50,000 dollars worth of tabs on my credit cards.

Forty or 50,000 dollars, Pete?

Or 80 or 90.

Maybe 100, with tips.

A hundred thousand bucks.

Who's counting, not me. You said I was dying.

I wouldn't have to pay.

I wish I were dead.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

A hundred thousand clams.

And now you tell me I'm going to live.

Holy cow! Who's going to pay all these bills?

You are.

For doing the most stupid,

the most dishonest thing that I have ever heard of in my life.

Me?

It's all your fault, pal of mine.

Nancy would have never come up with this

bright idea had it not been for your diagnosis.

There's only one decent thing left for you to do.

Turn yourself in.

Decent thing? That's insane.

I'll be behind you all the way.

Oh, sure you will. A mile behind me.

You do as I say, and they'll understand.

Oh, come on, Scotty, 100,000 dollars worth of high life.

Not Granite Life. No, they'll never understand.

They never acted kindly towards heists or robbers.

No.

You weren't responsible for your actions.

Diners Club will serve me my last supper.

We'll hire a headshrinker to say that you were emotionally unbalanced.

And Carte Blanche will do nasty things to me in French.

We'll ask for a jury trial.

And Global Express, oh, they'll ship me post-paid to Alcatraz.

Oh, they closed that already.

Yeah, look, after what I've done, they're gonna have a grand reopening.

Oh, boy.

What am I going to do, Scotty?

I don't know.

I'm sure there's a way, if we both try real hard.

Let's do that. Let's try very hard.

Well, I... I had this glimmer of a notion.

I don't know whether you're prepared to make this kind of sacrifice.

Well, try me. I mean, I'll do anything.

I have no choice.

Well, Nancy and the kids are prepared for your death.

Emotionally, spiritually, financially.

No, it's too big a sacrifice.

Just say what you were going to say. Let me make the decision.

Get on with it.

Well, very simply,

your problem would be over if you were to die.

You were right. It's too big a sacrifice.

No, no, I don't mean die die. Just make it seem so.

Seem so?

How do we make die not dead?

Like this.

You have your expected heart attack and die.

I witness your death.

And as your doctor, I sign your death certificate.

The coffin is sealed and shipped home for interment.

Nancy and the kids collect your life insurance.

As for all your other debts...

They can't collect from a corpse.

Something like that.

Whose corpse are we talking about?

Well, certainly not yours.

Oh. Then we're talking about... murder?

Look, Scotty, I'm an embezzler already,

I don't need a promotion.

Look, every morgue has a percentage of unclaimed, unidentified bodies.

I find one, claim it,

identify it as you, ship it home.

You...

What happens when Nancy opens the coffin? Shouldn't I be there?

Nancy will not, repeat, not open the coffin. I'll see to that.

I'll prevail upon her to remember you as you were, alive.

Then I'll never be able to see my wife and kids?

Pete, when I spoke of sacrifice, that's what I meant.

I'll never see my wife and kids again.

Not never.

In seven years, you turn up again.

The Statute of Limitations, seven years.

Seven years? Are you nuts?

Or seven years in jail for grand larceny.

I'll take the limitations.

Seven years.

What about Nancy?

Oh, Nancy mustn't know about this.

If she finds out that you're alive,

she'll drop everything and run to your side.

She was always crazy about you.

Yeah, I gotta say that right... Was?

Yeah.

I always had a feeling for a drive in a car on a nice day,

just leisurely enjoying the simple art of sightseeing.

But this is one drive, on a not too thrilling day,

that was sure to give me the willies

seeing the sight I was about to see.

I could think of at least a half a dozen places I'd rather be right now,

most of which are a lot warmer.

Hey, Scotty, this one looks like it'll do.

It's about the right size, huh?

What do you think? Look.

There's only one problem. It's a girl.

Can't you tell the difference?

Oh. Come on.

Thank you.

And on we went

determined and sure about what had to be done.

Scott told me where to go and I went.

I was doing the driving, all right, but he was doing the steering.

What we were looking for wasn't that easy to dig up.

Sorry about that.

I, uh, think I have just what you're looking for.

Oh, yes.

"Male, heart attack, six feet, 175 pounds."

Too tall.

You'd better let me handle this. That's the man.

That's my patient, Mr. Peter Ingersoll, Van Nuys, California.

How do I arrange for his release?

Oh, well, you'll have to talk to the prefect of police,

the district medical officer, and the local undertaker.

Uh, now if you come to my office,

I'll give you the proper papers.

Which one would you like? Diners Club, Carte Blanche, or Global Express?

All your cards are muy good, Senor.

Fine. Try Global Express. We'll give them a break.

Right.

Oh, thank you.

Scotty, it's kind of spooky reading your own death certificate.

Yeah, well, never mind, give me that.

It's time for the heart attack. Make it good.

Oh. All right.

Lower, dummy.

Oh, my... My heart. Oh, my hea... heart.

Oh, my ho-ho-ho-ho.

My heart!

Ohh! I can't breathe.

Oh, my ha-ha-ha. Oh, ha-hey!

Um, um, um. Oh, it's easy, um!

Help, please, man's had a heart attack.

I'm a doctor. Help me get him to the car. I got one outside.

Here we go. Oh, easy, steady. Whoa.

Okay. All in order. You now have a passport to Israel.

I hope this works.

Don't worry about it. The disguise looks great.

Now whatever you do, don't forget who you're supposed to be.

Yeah, I know. Fred C. Hobbs.

No, no, Dobbs. Not Hobbs. Dobbs.

Fred C. Dobbs.

Citizen of Australia, occupation sheep herder.

Uh, rancher.

Yeah, okay, I got it.

Hey, what about the body?

That's all taken care of. It'll be shipped out tomorrow.

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

Believe me, Pete, no one in Israel is going to question you wearing a hat.

Oh, yeah.

Now here's some money. I'll send you more from home.

Thank you. Oh, let me have those matches.

Are you mad? You'll go up in flames.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Scotty,

I know the risks that you've taken for me and I appreciate it.

I mean, with putting your professional career on the line and all.

Now you... WOMAN ON PA: Attention, please.

Passengers holding tickets on Flight 309 to Rome, Tel Aviv,

please proceed to customs clearance. Thank you.

Don't forget, we have a date, right here, seven years from tonight.

Okay.

Senor.

Senor Dobbs?

Fred C. Dobbs. That's right.

Citizen of Australia?

Australia. Right.

Your immunization record, por favor?

My what?

Your health certificate, Senor.

Oh, I don't have one.

You have to have it, Senor.

You had to have a certificate to enter Portugal.

He was right.

I had a medical certificate.

Where was it?

Attached to my old passport,

which was now attached to my new coffin.

Passengers holding tickets on Flight 309...

Sorry, I must have lost it.

No matter, I'm sure I can get me one in Tel Aviv, eh?

Impossible, Senor.

You may not board the airplane without it.

The Minister of Health will provide you with a new certificate.

That means they'd check the record, eh?

Then you'd better get a doctor to provide you with one, Senor.

A doctor? A doctor. Si, Senor.

Oh, uh, a doctor.

I say, good day. Is Dr. Carter registered, please?

Yes, Senor.

Oh, I see. Would you be good enough to ring his room?

Oh, Dr. Carter is out, Senor.

Oh. Very well, thank you. Then I'll come back, eh?

Perhaps, Senor, you wish to speak with Mrs. Carter?

Mrs. Carter?

I'm in reference to Dr. Scott Carter.

C-A-R-T-E-R.

Exactly, Senor. I speak well the English.

Dr. Scott Carter is out,

but Mrs. Carter is upstairs.

Mrs. Carter?

Oh, his mother, Mrs. Carter, maybe?

No, no, Senor.

Mrs. Carter muy Bonita.

Well, I say, that must be his nurse, Suzy.

I never pegged old Scotty to be a swinger, but I guess I was wrong.

Well, I'll be right over here if he should get in.

Senor, there's Mrs. Carter now.

Mommy, look what Daddy Scott bought us.

Oh, that's marvelous. Bought this, too.

Oh, isn't that great, Jimmy.

Hi. Oh, you look so pretty. Hello, dear.

Do you really like it?

Oh, I almost forgot.

For you.

You're just so thoughtful, Scott.

Oh, it's beautiful.

They're just flowers. Oh!

Pooned and harpooned.

I should have leaped over and pried them apart and yelled,

"Get your lips off my wife!"

There's a lot of things I should have done, like,

consulting another doctor when Scotty said I was dying.

Like,

finding out how come Nancy went to Scotty,

instead of a gynecologist.

And like,

asking myself what kind of a doctor prescribes

fake corpses and phony passports,

and one-way tickets to Israel.

And how come my wife Nancy had me carry 150,000 dollars worth of life insurance.

So I had to stand there, watching my best friend

making love to my best wife,

while she laughed at me through teeth I paid for.

And I still hadn't gotten my shots for Israel.

Who wants to go to the Lisbon Zoo?

We do!

And see the elephants and the bears and all...

Okay, the zoo it is.

Daddy Scott. Daddy Scott, are you going to take us to dinner?

Now, who said that?

I did.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea.

I tell you what, after the zoo, after we've seen the elephants,

with their tuskie-boos, and the big bears with their babykins,

we'll all go and have a big din-din.

And we'll grow big and strong if we eat our num-nums!

All right? Okay, let's go. Oh, goody.

And we'll get big and strong if we eat all our num-nums.

Oh, that's sickening.

You know what else is sickening?

Standing around in this creepy hotel lobby,

a wanted man, a criminal. With no money, no future.

Worst of all, no past.

Wearing these hokey clothes,

trying to breathe through a bush that had to come from the rump of an aardvark.

Was it something I said?

I couldn't believe it.

But there it was.

Now things began to make sense.

A pretty sour pill to swallow.

But with a doctor like him, his pills would have to be the worst.

Now what was I supposed to do?

Nothing but walk.

And that's what I did.

I walked and walked.

I was advised overdoing was bad for someone with my condition.

But since that advice came from that creep

I laughingly refer to as a doctor, how bad could it be?

I figured if I got real lucky, I'd get run over.

But with the way things have been going, it would probably be a bike.

Go ahead, everybody else has.

Come in.

Come on in, Senor.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Dobbs is my name. Fred C. Dobbs.

I was made aware of the fact that you're holding a friend of mine,

Peter Ingersoll, I just thought I'd stop by to see how he was doing.

He's fine.

He's just beautiful. Would you like to see him?

Uh, yes. This way, please, Senor.

Someone important?

It seems so.

That's Colonel Durham.

Oh. Is that R.K. Durham of South Carolina?

The same. You knew him?

Knew of him.

No matter what brand of tobacco you'd smoke, he grew it, you see.

We are shipping the remains home to be placed in the family mausoleum,

with full military honors.

And I consider this a great honor for our mortuary.

Oh, you should. It's absolutely marvelous.

After you.

We have been very fortunate, Senor.

Your friend sails with Colonel Durham in the morning.

Take your time,

and ring the bell when you are ready to leave.

Uh, good show. Thank you.

What a way to go.

A long boat trip, together yet,

just you and the little old Colonel.

Little did he know how close to integration he'd be.

What a stroke of luck, a perfect revenge.

We'll show that best friend quack and my fink wife.

I say, what room is Dr. Carter, please?

Room 316, Senor.

The house phone is right there.

Oh, splendid.

Hello!

Hello. Could you connect me with 316, please?

There's no answer?

No, Senor!

Oh, thank you.

Plain printing.

If he ever gets his hands on my insurance money, he'll have these engraved.

Isn't there any privacy in this hotel?

Can't two people be alone in the room without somebody sticking their nose in?

Just get out! Get out! Vamoose!

Come on, honey.

It's a terrible thing. A maid should just clean the room.

But to walk inside when people are trying to find public... Private...

You could get... I would never check-in here.

Colonel Durham would be shipped to Van Nuys, California.

Ingersoll to South Carolina,

to lay in state with the Sons of the Confederacy.

You sent Ingersoll to South Carolina?

One problem remained.

I had to get my vaccination and shots to get out of Portugal.

But I had to find a doctor that would ask no questions.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Now you'll feel more better.

Now, that take care of the smallpox, typhoid, yellow fever and distemper.

That be 20 dollars.

All in order, Senor Dobbs.

All in order. Right.

You now go to Chile.

Yeah, I hear the fishing there is smashing.

But yesterday you were going to Israel.

Oh, yes. So I was. Well, you know,

the only fish you can catch in Israel is smoked salmon, you see.

Thanks a lot. Bang on. Cheerio.

And there I was, at the helm of my own boat,

with a new charter party, steering straight for marlin.

Now then... Forget about the marlin, Senor. What about your wife?

And Dr. Carter.

And the coffins.

Yes, and Colonel Durham.

Oh! Oh, well...

Through hometown newspapers and some shortwave broadcasts,

I pieced together the events that were taking place back in the States.

Parade rest. Cemetery of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Everyone presumed Colonel R.K. Durham lay in state.

Proceed.

Attention!

And then the coffin was opened.

That's not him.

Men!

I meant to ask you about that.

What's happened? Whose body is that?

Let me see that.

Meanwhile, back in Van Nuys, California, at the Haven of Rest,

there was no turnout for my funeral.

The neighbors couldn't come because it was Saturday

and there was a barbeque at Larry Heath's, again.

Oh, Nancy was there.

And good old Scotty, he came with the 385 dollar funeral.

Just as they were getting ready to do the "ashes to ashes" bit,

the place was suddenly lousy with people.

Dr. Carter? SCOTT: Yes?

Dr. Scott Carter?

Well?

Your card, Doctor?

I'm Dr. Everson, the County Coroner.

Just who is in that coffin, Doctor?

Well, the deceased is Mr. Ingersoll, Mr. Peter Ingersoll.

Oh, then you don't mind if we take a look, Doctor.

I most certainly do.

Mr. Ingersoll was my patient.

I witnessed the death and I signed the death certificate myself.

Oh, I'm sure of that, Doctor.

Here's a Portuguese Death Certificate in the name of Peter Ingersoll.

This is your signature, Doctor?

Doctor, I resent... Well, here's mine.

A court order to open,

and/or exhume, and/or examine, and/or perform an autopsy

thereof upon the deceased person of Mr. Peter Ingersoll,

and/or person or persons unknown.

But, Doctor, there isn't any need to...

Forgive me, Doctor, in a pig's eye there isn't.

Open it up, boys.

It's Richard.

Who the hell is that?

And I'm told even Colonel Durham smiled when he saw Scotty's face.

But to continue...

As District Attorney of this city, I demand to know what happened to Ingersoll.

When did you last see Colonel Durham alive?

Does the word "malpractice" mean anything to you?

Surely you don't expect us to pay you 150,000 dollars

without proof of your husband's death.

What happened to Ingersoll?

What about these Global Express charges?

And who pays Carte Blanche?

And Diners Club.

How the CIA got into this, I don't know,

but since we are, just how did you kill him?

Why did you choose a negro to put in the Colonel's coffin?

And just what is your purpose for this die-in?

And were you aware that this negro was Chief of our African Bureau?

That's right. We've got to find out what happened to that negro.

That's right.

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

Gentlemen, please.

Gentlemen.

What we want to know is what happened to Ingersoll?

Now fly, you big sweetheart!

And that's it.

So, you see, the reports of my death were grossly exaggerated.

I'm really fine.

With one small exception.

I'm really fine. Just fine.

I may not look like the healthiest human being that ever lived,

but I'm fine.

I mean, I don't... Mr. Dobbs...

The information you have given us is very important for us to know,

but, really, we must now hurry and do what must be done.

Okay. I understand.

And we must do, and I must tell you, in all honesty,

there is no guarantee that you'll come out of this alive.

Well, if nothing else, you can tell everybody I died a happy man.

A true fisherman, with a smile on my lips

and a fish in my heart.