Original subtitles

Oh, they closed that already.

Yeah, look, after what I've done, they're gonna have a grand reopening.

Oh, boy.

What am I going to do, Scotty?

I don't know.

I'm sure there's a way, if we both try real hard.

Let's do that. Let's try very hard.

Well, I... I had this glimmer of a notion.

I don't know whether you're prepared to make this kind of sacrifice.

Well, try me. I mean, I'll do anything.

I have no choice.

Well, Nancy and the kids are prepared for your death.

Emotionally, spiritually, financially.

No, it's too big a sacrifice.

Just say what you were going to say. Let me make the decision.

Get on with it.

Well, very simply,

your problem would be over if you were to die.

You were right. It's too big a sacrifice.

No, no, I don't mean die die. Just make it seem so.

Seem so?

How do we make die not dead?

Like this.

You have your expected heart attack and die.

I witness your death.

And as your doctor, I sign your death certificate.

The coffin is sealed and shipped home for interment.

Nancy and the kids collect your life insurance.

As for all your other debts...

They can't collect from a corpse.

Something like that.

Whose corpse are we talking about?

Well, certainly not yours.

Oh. Then we're talking about... murder?

Look, Scotty, I'm an embezzler already,

I don't need a promotion.

Look, every morgue has a percentage of unclaimed, unidentified bodies.

I find one, claim it,

identify it as you, ship it home.

You...

What happens when Nancy opens the coffin? Shouldn't I be there?

Nancy will not, repeat, not open the coffin. I'll see to that.

I'll prevail upon her to remember you as you were, alive.

Then I'll never be able to see my wife and kids?

Pete, when I spoke of sacrifice, that's what I meant.

I'll never see my wife and kids again.

Not never.

In seven years, you turn up again.

The Statute of Limitations, seven years.

Seven years? Are you nuts?

Or seven years in jail for grand larceny.

I'll take the limitations.

Seven years.

What about Nancy?

Oh, Nancy mustn't know about this.

If she finds out that you're alive,

she'll drop everything and run to your side.

She was always crazy about you.

Yeah, I gotta say that right... Was?

Yeah.

I always had a feeling for a drive in a car on a nice day,

just leisurely enjoying the simple art of sightseeing.

But this is one drive, on a not too thrilling day,

that was sure to give me the willies

seeing the sight I was about to see.

I could think of at least a half a dozen places I'd rather be right now,

most of which are a lot warmer.

Hey, Scotty, this one looks like it'll do.

It's about the right size, huh?

What do you think? Look.

There's only one problem. It's a girl.

Can't you tell the difference?

Oh. Come on.

Thank you.

And on we went

determined and sure about what had to be done.

Scott told me where to go and I went.

I was doing the driving, all right, but he was doing the steering.

What we were looking for wasn't that easy to dig up.

Sorry about that.

I, uh, think I have just what you're looking for.

Oh, yes.

"Male, heart attack, six feet, 175 pounds."

Too tall.

You'd better let me handle this. That's the man.

That's my patient, Mr. Peter Ingersoll, Van Nuys, California.

How do I arrange for his release?

Oh, well, you'll have to talk to the prefect of police,

the district medical officer, and the local undertaker.

Uh, now if you come to my office,

I'll give you the proper papers.

Which one would you like? Diners Club, Carte Blanche, or Global Express?

All your cards are muy good, Senor.

Fine. Try Global Express. We'll give them a break.

Right.

Oh, thank you.

Scotty, it's kind of spooky reading your own death certificate.

Yeah, well, never mind, give me that.

It's time for the heart attack. Make it good.

Oh. All right.

Lower, dummy.

Oh, my... My heart. Oh, my hea... heart.

Oh, my ho-ho-ho-ho.

My heart!

Ohh! I can't breathe.

Oh, my ha-ha-ha. Oh, ha-hey!

Um, um, um. Oh, it's easy, um!

Help, please, man's had a heart attack.

I'm a doctor. Help me get him to the car. I got one outside.

Here we go. Oh, easy, steady. Whoa.

Okay. All in order. You now have a passport to Israel.

I hope this works.

Don't worry about it. The disguise looks great.

Now whatever you do, don't forget who you're supposed to be.

Yeah, I know. Fred C. Hobbs.

No, no, Dobbs. Not Hobbs. Dobbs.

Fred C. Dobbs.

Citizen of Australia, occupation sheep herder.

Uh, rancher.

Yeah, okay, I got it.

Hey, what about the body?

That's all taken care of. It'll be shipped out tomorrow.

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

Believe me, Pete, no one in Israel is going to question you wearing a hat.

Oh, yeah.

Now here's some money. I'll send you more from home.

Thank you. Oh, let me have those matches.

Are you mad? You'll go up in flames.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Scotty,

I know the risks that you've taken for me and I appreciate it.

I mean, with putting your professional career on the line and all.

Now you... WOMAN ON PA: Attention, please.

Passengers holding tickets on Flight 309 to Rome, Tel Aviv,

please proceed to customs clearance. Thank you.

Don't forget, we have a date, right here, seven years from tonight.

Okay.

Senor.

Senor Dobbs?

Fred C. Dobbs. That's right.

Citizen of Australia?

Australia. Right.

Your immunization record, por favor?

My what?

Your health certificate, Senor.

Oh, I don't have one.

You have to have it, Senor.

You had to have a certificate to enter Portugal.

He was right.

I had a medical certificate.

Where was it?

Attached to my old passport,

which was now attached to my new coffin.

Passengers holding tickets on Flight 309...

Sorry, I must have lost it.

No matter, I'm sure I can get me one in Tel Aviv, eh?

Impossible, Senor.

You may not board the airplane without it.

The Minister of Health will provide you with a new certificate.

That means they'd check the record, eh?

Then you'd better get a doctor to provide you with one, Senor.

A doctor? A doctor. Si, Senor.

Oh, uh, a doctor.

I say, good day. Is Dr. Carter registered, please?

Yes, Senor.

Oh, I see. Would you be good enough to ring his room?

Oh, Dr. Carter is out, Senor.

Oh. Very well, thank you. Then I'll come back, eh?

Perhaps, Senor, you wish to speak with Mrs. Carter?

Mrs. Carter?

I'm in reference to Dr. Scott Carter.

C-A-R-T-E-R.

Exactly, Senor. I speak well the English.

Dr. Scott Carter is out,

but Mrs. Carter is upstairs.

Mrs. Carter?

Oh, his mother, Mrs. Carter, maybe?

No, no, Senor.

Mrs. Carter muy Bonita.

Well, I say, that must be his nurse, Suzy.

I never pegged old Scotty to be a swinger, but I guess I was wrong.

Well, I'll be right over here if he should get in.

Senor, there's Mrs. Carter now.

Mommy, look what Daddy Scott bought us.

Oh, that's marvelous. Bought this, too.

Oh, isn't that great, Jimmy.

Hi. Oh, you look so pretty. Hello, dear.

Do you really like it?

Oh, I almost forgot.

For you.

You're just so thoughtful, Scott.

Oh, it's beautiful.

They're just flowers. Oh!

Pooned and harpooned.

I should have leaped over and pried them apart and yelled,

"Get your lips off my wife!"

There's a lot of things I should have done, like,

consulting another doctor when Scotty said I was dying.

Like,

finding out how come Nancy went to Scotty,

instead of a gynecologist.

And like,

asking myself what kind of a doctor prescribes

fake corpses and phony passports,

and one-way tickets to Israel.

And how come my wife Nancy had me carry 150,000 dollars worth of life insurance.

So I had to stand there, watching my best friend

making love to my best wife,

while she laughed at me through teeth I paid for.

And I still hadn't gotten my shots for Israel.

Who wants to go to the Lisbon Zoo?

We do!

And see the elephants and the bears and all...

Okay, the zoo it is.

Daddy Scott. Daddy Scott, are you going to take us to dinner?

Now, who said that?

I did.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea.

I tell you what, after the zoo, after we've seen the elephants,

with their tuskie-boos, and the big bears with their babykins,

we'll all go and have a big din-din.

And we'll grow big and strong if we eat our num-nums!

All right? Okay, let's go. Oh, goody.

And we'll get big and strong if we eat all our num-nums.

Oh, that's sickening.

You know what else is sickening?

Standing around in this creepy hotel lobby,

a wanted man, a criminal. With no money, no future.

Worst of all, no past.

Wearing these hokey clothes,

trying to breathe through a bush that had to come from the rump of an aardvark.

Was it something I said?

I couldn't believe it.

But there it was.

Now things began to make sense.

A pretty sour pill to swallow.

But with a doctor like him, his pills would have to be the worst.

Now what was I supposed to do?

Nothing but walk.

And that's what I did.

I walked and walked.

I was advised overdoing was bad for someone with my condition.

But since that advice came from that creep

I laughingly refer to as a doctor, how bad could it be?

I figured if I got real lucky, I'd get run over.

But with the way things have been going, it would probably be a bike.

Go ahead, everybody else has.

Come in.

Come on in, Senor.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Dobbs is my name. Fred C. Dobbs.

I was made aware of the fact that you're holding a friend of mine,

Peter Ingersoll, I just thought I'd stop by to see how he was doing.

He's fine.

He's just beautiful. Would you like to see him?

Uh, yes. This way, please, Senor.

Someone important?

It seems so.

That's Colonel Durham.

Oh. Is that R.K. Durham of South Carolina?

The same. You knew him?

Knew of him.

No matter what brand of tobacco you'd smoke, he grew it, you see.

We are shipping the remains home to be placed in the family mausoleum,

with full military honors.

And I consider this a great honor for our mortuary.

Oh, you should. It's absolutely marvelous.

After you.

We have been very fortunate, Senor.

Your friend sails with Colonel Durham in the morning.

Take your time,

and ring the bell when you are ready to leave.

Uh, good show. Thank you.

What a way to go.

A long boat trip, together yet,

just you and the little old Colonel.

Little did he know how close to integration he'd be.

What a stroke of luck, a perfect revenge.

We'll show that best friend quack and my fink wife.

I say, what room is Dr. Carter, please?

Room 316, Senor.

The house phone is right there.

Oh, splendid.

Hello!

Hello. Could you connect me with 316, please?

There's no answer?

No, Senor!

Oh, thank you.

Plain printing.

If he ever gets his hands on my insurance money, he'll have these engraved.

Isn't there any privacy in this hotel?

Can't two people be alone in the room without somebody sticking their nose in?

Just get out! Get out! Vamoose!

Come on, honey.

It's a terrible thing. A maid should just clean the room.

But to walk inside when people are trying to find public... Private...

You could get... I would never check-in here.

Colonel Durham would be shipped to Van Nuys, California.

Ingersoll to South Carolina,

to lay in state with the Sons of the Confederacy.

You sent Ingersoll to South Carolina?

One problem remained.

I had to get my vaccination and shots to get out of Portugal.

But I had to find a doctor that would ask no questions.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Now you'll feel more better.

Now, that take care of the smallpox, typhoid, yellow fever and distemper.

That be 20 dollars.

All in order, Senor Dobbs.

All in order. Right.

You now go to Chile.

Yeah, I hear the fishing there is smashing.

But yesterday you were going to Israel.

Oh, yes. So I was. Well, you know,

the only fish you can catch in Israel is smoked salmon, you see.

Thanks a lot. Bang on. Cheerio.

And there I was, at the helm of my own boat,

with a new charter party, steering straight for marlin.

Now then... Forget about the marlin, Senor. What about your wife?

And Dr. Carter.

And the coffins.

Yes, and Colonel Durham.

Oh! Oh, well...

Through hometown newspapers and some shortwave broadcasts,

I pieced together the events that were taking place back in the States.

Parade rest. Cemetery of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Everyone presumed Colonel R.K. Durham lay in state.

Proceed.

Attention!

And then the coffin was opened.

That's not him.

Men!

I meant to ask you about that.

What's happened? Whose body is that?

Let me see that.

Meanwhile, back in Van Nuys, California, at the Haven of Rest,

there was no turnout for my funeral.

The neighbors couldn't come because it was Saturday

and there was a barbeque at Larry Heath's, again.

Oh, Nancy was there.

And good old Scotty, he came with the 385 dollar funeral.

Just as they were getting ready to do the "ashes to ashes" bit,

the place was suddenly lousy with people.

Dr. Carter? SCOTT: Yes?

Dr. Scott Carter?

Well?

Your card, Doctor?

I'm Dr. Everson, the County Coroner.

Just who is in that coffin, Doctor?

Well, the deceased is Mr. Ingersoll, Mr. Peter Ingersoll.

Oh, then you don't mind if we take a look, Doctor.

I most certainly do.

Mr. Ingersoll was my patient.

I witnessed the death and I signed the death certificate myself.

Oh, I'm sure of that, Doctor.

Here's a Portuguese Death Certificate in the name of Peter Ingersoll.

This is your signature, Doctor?

Doctor, I resent... Well, here's mine.

A court order to open,

and/or exhume, and/or examine, and/or perform an autopsy

thereof upon the deceased person of Mr. Peter Ingersoll,

and/or person or persons unknown.

But, Doctor, there isn't any need to...

Forgive me, Doctor, in a pig's eye there isn't.

Open it up, boys.

It's Richard.

Who the hell is that?

And I'm told even Colonel Durham smiled when he saw Scotty's face.

But to continue...

As District Attorney of this city, I demand to know what happened to Ingersoll.

When did you last see Colonel Durham alive?

Does the word "malpractice" mean anything to you?

Surely you don't expect us to pay you 150,000 dollars

without proof of your husband's death.

What happened to Ingersoll?

What about these Global Express charges?

And who pays Carte Blanche?

And Diners Club.

How the CIA got into this, I don't know,

but since we are, just how did you kill him?

Why did you choose a negro to put in the Colonel's coffin?

And just what is your purpose for this die-in?

And were you aware that this negro was Chief of our African Bureau?

That's right. We've got to find out what happened to that negro.

That's right.

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

Gentlemen, please.

Gentlemen.

What we want to know is what happened to Ingersoll?

Now fly, you big sweetheart!

And that's it.

So, you see, the reports of my death were grossly exaggerated.

I'm really fine.

With one small exception.

I'm really fine. Just fine.

I may not look like the healthiest human being that ever lived,

but I'm fine.

I mean, I don't... Mr. Dobbs...

The information you have given us is very important for us to know,

but, really, we must now hurry and do what must be done.

Okay. I understand.

And we must do, and I must tell you, in all honesty,

there is no guarantee that you'll come out of this alive.

Well, if nothing else, you can tell everybody I died a happy man.

A true fisherman, with a smile on my lips

and a fish in my heart.