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[Music]
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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Announcer:
Our best minds have determined
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00:00:05,023 --> 00:00:10,076
that the whole universe
is the dream of one ant.
5
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:12,704
[Gasps]
6
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Huh?
7
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[Panicked breathing]
[Music]
8
00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:25,717
Aah!
9
00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:27,211
A-Are you okay?
10
00:00:27,212 --> 00:00:30,555
I was just sleeping,
and I heard troubled breath.
11
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Nothing. Nothing.
I-I'm fine.
12
00:00:32,926 --> 00:00:34,642
I just... had a nightmare.
13
00:00:34,677 --> 00:00:36,011
What are you accusing me of?
14
00:00:36,012 --> 00:00:40,940
I-I didn't shove anything
all up in your ear.
15
00:00:41,733 --> 00:00:42,976
[Drip!]
16
00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:45,111
I never seen that thing
before in my life.
17
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,730
I don't even know what it is.
18
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Besides, my thing would need
one twice that size.
19
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What did you do to me?!
20
00:00:51,736 --> 00:00:53,745
[Sobs]
[Snoring]
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00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:55,830
Stop this!
What d... What did you do?
22
00:00:55,865 --> 00:00:57,032
- Huh?
- Get up!
23
00:00:57,033 --> 00:00:59,993
W-W-What's happening?
W-Why are you hitting me?
24
00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:03,296
What have you done to me
while I was sleeping?
25
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,965
[Panicked cries]
26
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,800
What did you do to me?
27
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:11,672
I ... I didn't do anything.
I don't think I did.
28
00:01:11,673 --> 00:01:13,598
Did I do something to you?
29
00:01:13,633 --> 00:01:15,259
Oh, God!
What did I do?!
30
00:01:15,260 --> 00:01:17,727
What did you do to me?
You monster!
31
00:01:17,762 --> 00:01:20,521
I'm sorry.
I'm so confused.
32
00:01:20,556 --> 00:01:22,815
It's okay.
I forgive you.
33
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:26,319
- These things happen.
- Why are you so good to me?
34
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:30,114
Because you have such tight,
pretty ears.
35
00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:33,534
Not really.
You really wanna know?
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00:01:33,569 --> 00:01:35,870
I've never shown anyone this.
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[Grunts]
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[Music]
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It's huge.
40
00:01:42,578 --> 00:01:45,546
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
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[Squealing]
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[Clicking] _
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1x01 - The Nurple Rainbow
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Announcer: Then again,
toddler prodigy Trudy Glimmer
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00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:08,683
was the greatest peekaboo player
the world had ever known.
46
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Trudy?
47
00:02:09,699 --> 00:02:11,541
W-Where's Trudy?
I just saw her.
48
00:02:11,576 --> 00:02:13,918
She was just here.
Where'd she go?
49
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:15,120
Where'd she go?!
50
00:02:15,121 --> 00:02:17,296
Oh, God.
She was just here!
51
00:02:17,331 --> 00:02:20,091
Oh, my God! Trudy!
52
00:02:20,126 --> 00:02:23,010
Where'd you go?!
Oh, my God.
53
00:02:23,045 --> 00:02:24,421
Oh, Trudy!
My baby!
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00:02:24,422 --> 00:02:25,964
Where's my baby?!
55
00:02:25,965 --> 00:02:29,342
911! Someone stole my baby!
Oh, God! [Sobs]
56
00:02:29,343 --> 00:02:31,011
Someone stole my baby!
57
00:02:31,012 --> 00:02:33,854
Oh, God, oh, God, oh God.
58
00:02:33,889 --> 00:02:35,348
- Oh, God.
- What's going on?
59
00:02:35,349 --> 00:02:37,233
Where's Trudy?
What happened?!
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- Where is she?!
- Aah!
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[Shattering]
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[Sirens wail]
63
00:02:42,773 --> 00:02:45,074
You get that bastard
that took her! [Giggling]
64
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If he hurt a hair
on her head, I swear,
65
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I'm gonna rip God's face off
and ... and ram it down his tip.
66
00:02:51,574 --> 00:02:54,625
I promise
I will find your daughter,
67
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even if I have to
kill her to do it.
68
00:02:58,539 --> 00:03:01,465
Announcer: Police rounded up
every pervert in the area,
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00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,593
torturing them for information,
70
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which, naturally,
the perverts loved.
71
00:03:06,631 --> 00:03:09,682
They undulated
orgasmically for more.
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00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:12,768
The cops were all
too happy to oblige.
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00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:17,064
Nipple twisting,
purple nurples, blue nurples,
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00:03:17,099 --> 00:03:20,985
every nurple in the rainbow
turned up a steaming pile of zilch.
75
00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:26,490
The trauma of losing their child
tore the parents apart.
76
00:03:26,525 --> 00:03:30,703
Last year, I let your brothers
sandwich my business.
77
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Ah, yeah, so did I, Chachi.
So did I.
78
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Before long, a father
finds a suitable outlet
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to properly deal with his grief.
80
00:03:39,455 --> 00:03:45,405
If I don't see my child again
soon, I'm gonna do this.
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00:03:47,845 --> 00:03:52,183
Announcer: Some children
are just naturally talented.
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- We'll never know why.
- Peekaboo!
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Trudy!
Oh, sweetie, where were you?
84
00:03:59,141 --> 00:04:02,401
Oh, my God, Trudy.
Don't ever disappear again. [Giggles]
85
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Trudy?!
Trudy! Trudy!!
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[Screams]
87
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Peekaboo.
Mama? Papa?
88
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[Chicken clucking]
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Announcer: We have long known
that chickens can live for years
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00:04:21,994 --> 00:04:23,453
with their heads cut off.
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00:04:23,454 --> 00:04:25,755
Recently, embedded Mideast
war reporters
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have been dosing with huge
infusions of chicken blood
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to frustrate
their terrorist beheaders.
94
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:36,432
- This is what western infidels get!
- Is that all you got, cha-cha?
95
00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:39,227
[Laughs, yawns]
96
00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:42,021
Shut up and die,
you infidel pig dog.
97
00:04:42,056 --> 00:04:46,434
Uh, correction ... chicken dog.
Bawk-bawk. [Smooches]
98
00:04:46,435 --> 00:04:48,569
You are making me angry.
99
00:04:48,604 --> 00:04:52,031
And you have schmutz
on your dress.
100
00:04:52,066 --> 00:04:55,368
Bonk! Gotcha!
Bawk-bawk, playa!
101
00:04:55,403 --> 00:04:58,329
Announcer: Innocent
bystanders were so amused,
102
00:04:58,364 --> 00:05:00,240
they took the act on the road.
103
00:05:00,414 --> 00:05:03,042
[Laughter]
Why will you not die already?
104
00:05:03,077 --> 00:05:06,337
Uh, why don't you
brush your teeth already?
105
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:07,706
I'm warning you ...
106
00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:11,342
keep it up and I'll stop
this holy war right now.
107
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:14,303
Bawk-bawk, homey.
A-bawk-bawk.
108
00:05:14,338 --> 00:05:17,515
[Slide whistle plays]
109
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:20,643
Mmm, check the hottie
in the front row.
110
00:05:20,678 --> 00:05:23,312
Hey, uh, missy,
you care for a three-way?
111
00:05:23,347 --> 00:05:25,189
Or at least a 2 1/4-way?
112
00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:26,891
[Laughs]
113
00:05:26,892 --> 00:05:30,403
Hey, I'm not severed where it counts.
114
00:05:30,438 --> 00:05:32,655
Please die, for the love of Allah.
115
00:05:32,690 --> 00:05:36,367
Tell you what, I'll die
if you answer one question.
116
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:41,497
- You have a deal. Fire away.
- Why does your faith glorify hate?
117
00:05:41,532 --> 00:05:44,458
[Audience gasping]
118
00:05:44,493 --> 00:05:46,711
You really want to know?
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00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:50,756
For me, it's ...
s-see, I never had a mother.
120
00:05:50,791 --> 00:05:53,551
[Sniffles]
[Audience boos]
121
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Wait, wait,
if you never had a mom,
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then how do you exist at all?
123
00:05:57,423 --> 00:06:00,349
Jumpin' Jihad, you're right.
124
00:06:00,384 --> 00:06:04,812
[Cheers and applause]
125
00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:06,731
Announcer:
At that precise moment,
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00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:11,648
only one man was having
a worse day at work.
127
00:06:12,468 --> 00:06:15,637
Man: We are so freaking
disappointed in your output, Dwyer.
128
00:06:15,638 --> 00:06:17,338
Everyone else
in this department types
129
00:06:17,348 --> 00:06:19,565
at least 10,000
random numbers a day.
130
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,895
- Your average is 19.
- Sorry, sir. It's just ...
131
00:06:23,896 --> 00:06:26,614
- I ... It's just ...
- What's so hard about it?
132
00:06:26,649 --> 00:06:29,367
Just type random numbers
as fast as you can.
133
00:06:29,402 --> 00:06:32,954
See? Ding, ding, ding, ding.
That's it. Easy peasy.
134
00:06:32,989 --> 00:06:36,707
- Now you try. Go!
- Uh. Um...
135
00:06:36,742 --> 00:06:39,252
Let's see, uh...
Ooh...
136
00:06:39,287 --> 00:06:43,548
- Uh... Um...
- Just hit numbers!
137
00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:45,299
Faster. Faster!
138
00:06:45,334 --> 00:06:47,427
But I can never decide
which number to choose.
139
00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,470
Don't think about it.
Just type. It's random.
140
00:06:49,505 --> 00:06:54,142
- I know, but I still want it to be good.
- Well, it isn't good.
141
00:06:54,177 --> 00:06:55,385
And what's this?
142
00:06:55,386 --> 00:06:57,395
There's some type
of Goddamn hole
143
00:06:57,430 --> 00:07:00,348
in the back of your head here...
Whoa.
144
00:07:00,349 --> 00:07:02,567
Weird little critter living in there.
145
00:07:02,602 --> 00:07:05,778
Hey, little guy.
What the hell, Dwyer?
146
00:07:05,813 --> 00:07:08,281
- I wish you could see this.
- What is it?
147
00:07:08,316 --> 00:07:11,318
What is it?! What, Dwyer, how
the hell am I supposed to know?
148
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:12,861
Get your act together.
149
00:07:12,862 --> 00:07:15,580
Let me feed
this little thing for you.
150
00:07:18,249 --> 00:07:20,334
Damn thing was hungry.
151
00:07:20,369 --> 00:07:22,503
Maybe that's why
you're doing a sucky job.
152
00:07:22,538 --> 00:07:25,168
Did it eat?!
What is it?
153
00:07:25,169 --> 00:07:26,869
[Vomiting]
154
00:07:27,001 --> 00:07:28,043
Dagit!
155
00:07:28,044 --> 00:07:30,553
The damn thing's allergic
to peanuts or something.
156
00:07:30,588 --> 00:07:32,930
You're on thin ice
with this nonsense, Dwyer.
157
00:07:32,965 --> 00:07:35,600
I'm sorry. Here, l-let me
help you wipe that up.
158
00:07:35,635 --> 00:07:39,854
Just get back to work.
And get that thing checked out.
159
00:07:41,647 --> 00:07:46,027
[Faint growling]
160
00:07:49,822 --> 00:07:51,991
[Hisses]
What are you doing?
161
00:07:52,026 --> 00:07:54,911
Just keep working, Dwyer.
I'm having a look.
162
00:07:54,946 --> 00:07:59,248
W-What the he...
What the hell is this thing?
163
00:07:59,283 --> 00:08:00,659
[Squeaks]
164
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:05,572
- Ah! What the heck-fire?
- Just keep working. [Screeches]
165
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,990
Oh. Feisty little bastard.
166
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,511
Oh, wait.
That's what's going on.
167
00:08:11,546 --> 00:08:14,138
Feisty little bitch, I should say ...
168
00:08:14,173 --> 00:08:18,267
- protecting her eggs.
- Eggs?
169
00:08:18,302 --> 00:08:20,512
- I'm a little scared.
- It's okay.
170
00:08:20,513 --> 00:08:22,688
She got the little things
hatching right now.
171
00:08:22,723 --> 00:08:24,607
- What does it look like?
- Christ, Dwyer!
172
00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:28,402
Those things are loud.
Buddy, these are disruptive.
173
00:08:28,437 --> 00:08:31,280
[Chirping and squeaking]
This is not appropriate
174
00:08:31,315 --> 00:08:32,774
for a workspace environment.
175
00:08:32,775 --> 00:08:35,618
I'm sorry. I could strap
a pillow to my head.
176
00:08:35,653 --> 00:08:37,828
- Muffle it.
- I can't hear you, Dwyer!
177
00:08:37,863 --> 00:08:40,699
- It's too loud!
- Or could you fill it with water
178
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,117
and drown them? Or piss?
179
00:08:42,118 --> 00:08:46,587
Sorry, Dwyer!
Look, we gotta let you go.
180
00:08:46,622 --> 00:08:50,466
You can fire me,
but one day I'll show you.
181
00:08:50,501 --> 00:08:52,510
I'll show you all.
[Gunfire]
182
00:08:52,545 --> 00:08:55,179
Christ, Dwyer!
It's too loud.
183
00:08:55,214 --> 00:08:59,016
[Whimpering]
184
00:08:59,051 --> 00:09:02,603
Announcer: When he realized
that no one believed in him,
185
00:09:02,638 --> 00:09:06,274
Doug rushed home to see
if he was there.
186
00:09:07,775 --> 00:09:11,654
Dwyer: And the noble prize
for the Most Random Series
187
00:09:11,689 --> 00:09:15,533
of Numbers of All Time goes to...
188
00:09:15,568 --> 00:09:18,452
Dougie Dwyer!
189
00:09:18,487 --> 00:09:21,664
[Smooches]
[Distant cheering]
190
00:09:21,699 --> 00:09:23,666
Announcer: When he reflected
on his strengths,
191
00:09:23,701 --> 00:09:26,085
Doug finally began
to love himself.
192
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,921
And when a man
finds self-esteem,
193
00:09:28,956 --> 00:09:32,341
he can coax himself
to go all the way.
194
00:09:32,376 --> 00:09:36,887
[Music]
195
00:09:36,922 --> 00:09:42,310
It got so steamy, even
his vanity became aroused.
196
00:09:43,811 --> 00:09:47,440
And Doug got to experience
every man's fantasy ...
197
00:09:47,475 --> 00:09:49,775
a two-way with himself.
198
00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:52,278
Dwyer: You're killing me.
Killing me.
199
00:09:52,313 --> 00:09:56,532
Kill me. Kill me harder.
Kill me harder. Kill me deeper.
200
00:09:56,567 --> 00:10:00,020
Kill me harder. Kill me harder,
kill me deeper, kill me harder.
201
00:10:01,037 --> 00:10:05,541
Announcer: But alas, someone
always gets hurt in love.
202
00:10:05,576 --> 00:10:08,044
And when one raw-dogs it
with a mirror,
203
00:10:08,079 --> 00:10:12,923
the fruit of your vain
comes home to roost...
204
00:10:12,958 --> 00:10:15,968
Push! Push!
205
00:10:16,003 --> 00:10:18,554
[Baby cries]
206
00:10:18,589 --> 00:10:22,725
Announcer: ...and our lives are
filled with meaning forever,
207
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,478
as long as the screams
don't get so loud
208
00:10:25,513 --> 00:10:28,606
that they wake the ants
that are dreaming us.
209
00:10:28,641 --> 00:10:30,941
[Babies crying]
210
00:10:36,238 --> 00:10:37,857
[Gasps]
211
00:10:37,858 --> 00:10:40,911
[Panting]
212
00:10:41,696 --> 00:10:44,664
♪ Oh, master, oh, master ♪
213
00:10:44,699 --> 00:10:48,251
♪ Don't lay blame on me ♪
214
00:10:48,286 --> 00:10:49,911
♪ 'Twas the false nurse ♪
215
00:10:49,912 --> 00:10:54,424
♪ And Lankin that
killed your lady ♪
216
00:10:54,459 --> 00:11:00,409
♪ Long Lankin was hanged
on a gibbet so high ♪
217
00:11:00,798 --> 00:11:06,748
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪
218
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:17,258
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
16363
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