Original subtitles

Look, I have Frank and Monica as parents,

even I know how to show up and turn on a fuckin' TV.

What the fuck happened to you?

First of the month. Pony up.

Fiona's gonna kick me out unless I can pull my weight.

Find husband.

- Where's Derek? - You scared him.

He doesn't want to have a baby.

I've had a hell of a day.

We haven't really spoken in weeks.

You're busy. No time for me and my shit.

Military school changed my life.

Fiona, I want to go to military school.

You serious?

(VERONICA) Svetlana's been going over

our bills and income from the bar.

Our yield on gross revenues are shit.

(FIONA) You know that the woman who owns this place

dropped out of high school,

and now she owns, like, half the South Side?

(ROCK MUSIC)

I'm packing, dummy.

Fuck, you brought a gun in here?

No, I am trans man.

So you don't have a dick?

Tinder rocks... Free sex anytime I want it,

no strings attached.

Welcome, new Gallaghers.

Home sweet homeless shelter.

All in favor of preserving the shelter?

(WOMAN ON TV) One local hero has decided to take a stand.

- Uh, who are you? - Dylan Oswald.

Your new boss.

You knew that you were hooking me up

with a shady business?

(YOUENS) Is it a crime to rip people off

who are ripping other people off?

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Think of all the luck you got

Know that it's not for naught

You were beaming once before

But it's not like that anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

Round up the friends you got

Know that they're not for naught

You were willing once before

But it's not like that anymore

What is this downside

That you speak of?

What is this feeling

You're so sure of?

(CHUCKLES)

Hey.

(GROANING)

Hey. (CLEARS THROAT)

Shit, what time is it?

It's still early.

Oh.

Um, sorry for crashing overnight.

It's all good.

I got to jump in the shower and get ready for work, though.

Oh, so should I wait?

Or, you know, I could join you.

(GIGGLES)

Everybody's gonna be up soon.

Better if you're not still here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay.

I don't like a lot of casual guys hanging around.

It confuses Lucas.

Yeah. No, I-I get that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

I'll see you at the diner later?

Yeah, after my intern gig.

It's the first day back after the Feds busted us,

so I have no idea what I'm walking into.

Sounds fun.

(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(LADDER RATTLING)

- What the hell? - Mm, sugar...

either I'm still high, or we got company.

What're you doing there, amigo?

- Checking the roof, pendejo. - (DELORES) Oh, no.

(GRUNTING) Wait.

Wait.

Oh, God.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Are they throwing us out again?

(GROANING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

- Mr. Gallagher? - No.

Maybe.

I'm Elena Torres

from the Make A Nest nonprofit on Troy Street.

Your news coverage has been making quite a stir

in the social-services community.

It has?

We've got some good news concerning your housing crisis.

You... you, uh...

Here. Uh, Jesus.

Oh, come on, hey, hey.

G-get a room, you two.

Uh, sit, sit.

I-I, uh... Yeah, I-I'll stand.

- Yeah. - Mr. Gallagher...

perhaps you've heard of Simon Epstein,

the real estate mogul?

The billionaire who got busted emailing dick pics?

Mr. Epstein, um, is actually a philanthropist

for the homeless.

After seeing you on the news,

he immediately contacted our community-service organization.

- You're kicking us out? - N-no, no, Mr. Gallagher.

Simon Epstein purchased this house

for the South Side homeless.

A billionaire with a bleeding heart

and a big dick bought this place for me?

Uh, he, uh... He bought it for all of you.

And he's asked our organization to manage the property.

We're getting calls from corporate interests

who would like to become sponsors.

Because of your commitment to the homeless,

this is now public housing.

Mr. Epstein will drop by later today

for a quick photo opportunity with you and your family.

I own this place.

Uh, no. Uh...

not just you, but, yes, it is off the market,

and we are thrilled to be part of your cause,

and we would love to participate in any way we can.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

- (GIGGLES) - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yes.

Do somethin' crazy

(BOTH GRUNTING AND MOANING)

Okay

Good vibes only.

I'll just have to cave

I'ma fill my cup

Got fireworks, got booze

Let's blow some shit up

Tonight I'm goin' stupid

Doin' things I've never done

We all got one thing in common

We just want to have fun

Hey!

So what you want to do?

- (GRUNTING) - (SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

Do somethin' crazy

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY AND GROANING)

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Whew.

I may have broken a Tinder record

for how many places to hit it in one room.

So, uh, take the El or call an Uber?

Wow. Okay.

Down to business, huh?

No offense, it's just I'm running a business,

and I can't save chips unless I'm working.

Oh, I get it...

Sex and back to thinking money.

Just a little word of advice...

If you're really a businesswoman,

you'd stack chips, not save 'em.

(LAUGHS) What are you, my financial consultant?

Marketplace Consulting International?

You mean you're actually a financial consultant?

Let me know when you want to book an investment consultation.

I'm just a swipe away.

Bye, Fiona.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WASHER WHIRRING LOUDLY)

(WASHER STOPS RUNNING)

(WASHER WHIRRING LOUDLY)

(WASHER STOPS RUNNING)

Shit.

Uh-oh.

(WASHER RESUMES WHIRRING LOUDLY)

(WASHER SQUEALS, STOPS RUNNING)

- What was that noise? - I think it was the sound

of the washer dyin'.

Fiona broke it.

I got to get some loads in

before I have to go to work.

- Ugh. - Just call V.

You can use her washer.

No V.

What's wrong with V?

I guess we're on the outs.

We got into it pretty bad about me not being there for her

and her not givin' a shit about me,

and we haven't spoken since.

(CARL) Don't start the wash.

I need to throw in one of my shirts.

- Can't. - Washer's broken.

What am I supposed to do about my military-school interview?

I can't go on there smelling like one of Frank's homeless.

You're still going through with that?

Don't they check your GPA for military school?

Dom's dad wrote me a killer recommendation.

(SIGHS)

Who died?

Another appliance.

Oh, shit, the washing machine?

Yeah, it's the one fucking Jimmy bought for us.

I should've known it would never last.

I guess you're gonna have to date another shithead con artist

to replace it for us, huh?

Somebody has to call to get this fixed,

and it's not going to be me.

What am I supposed to do about my shirt?

Oh, uh, there's such a thing as a sink.

Oh, Flintstones living up in here?

Yo, where's Debs?

I think she's avoidin' me

'cause she doesn't have her portion

of the monthly utilities.

You are being kind of cunty about it.

Yeah, she really thinks you're gonna kick her out.

Maybe you want to set her straight?

Who says that I'm not?

Somebody drop Liam at day care. I got to hit the Laundromat.

Yeah, I'll take him.

Come on, bud.

- Go, go, go, go, go. - Straight cavemen.

(GIGGLING)

How are the books comin', Lana?

Ah, much better with reduced overhead.

Now we just have to collect running tabs

from regulars who don't pay.

Come on, fist bumps, kid. Fist bumps.

Mommy, Mommy, and Daddy are makin' money.

Ha, breaking even.

We are getting out of tax debt.

Can we claim each other's kids on our tax returns?

We're married.

We got tax returns?

We can claim as dependents,

but we would have to do adoption.

Whose kids are we adopting?

She and I would adopt each others'

since we're married.

We would save money on write-offs

and become legitimate family.

Wait, wait, wait.

So, V adopts Yevgeny.

Svetlana adopts Amy and Gemma. Where does that leave me?

That leaves you big, sexy man in boxer shorts.

He either said, "I burnt your breakfast,"

or, "I fucked up your eggs."

He said, "Good morning."

- (LAUGHING) Hey. - (LAUGHING)

Fiona gone?

She knows you're avoiding her.

Don't feel like being harassed about the bills.

I still got two days to pay up.

She's not really gonna kick you out.

She just wants you to make an effort.

She's a bitch.

My stuff will be on the street in 48 hours.

I've got to find financial security for me and Harry.

All right, well, I'll loan you the money.

I get paid on Tuesday.

Hmm, yeah, $372?

You owe $372?

What, is that baby formula made out of caviar or something?

It's cool. I'll get the money.

I've got time. I can handle it.

She's not gonna kick you out.

Hot water?

- Thank God! - (LAUGHS)

Don't got to clean my flaps with disinfectant wipes no more.

- (LAUGHS) - Whoa.

Uh, whoa.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My family and unbathed brethren,

we have won the first battle for homeless dignity

by staking our claim.

We demanded our 40 acres and a mule,

our three bedrooms and a toilet,

and yours truly has delivered it upon you.

- Thank you very much. - Great job, Frank!

But... but listen,

now... now that we got the hot water turned on,

we want to make sure that it stays on,

and let's keep food

and illicit substances in our belly.

So I'm sending you out in groups

to ply the most basic commerce known to mankind...

Begging, okay?

You four, take the bodega.

You three, uh, um, the dry cleaners.

You, sir, you look like you could use a touch of grooming,

so let's send you to the barbershop.

Okay, let's go.

Other people's money waits for no man.

Go out there.

Give 'em homeless! Yeah!

I don't understand why you're not on board.

(KEV) It's just the whole lesbian-wedding thing again.

You and Svetlana are a thing, and I'm the third wheel.

It is just paperwork to secure more money

for Amy and Gemma.

What if somethin' happens to us?

Svetlana will be able to take care of 'em.

I thought you wanted Fiona to take care of 'em

if somethin' happened to us?

Fiona only cares about herself anymore.

Oh, would you please? Fiona's your best friend.

We have the key to her house, and I'm pretty sure

that half our clothes in our closet are hers.

- Then I'll take 'em back. - Is this a permanent thing

between you two, or is it until one of you caves

- and apologizes? - Screw Fiona!

It's time for us to move on and think

about what's best of our family, and that's Svetlana.

Adoption will give our kids stability.

Don't you want them to have more than what we had growin' up?

I still get to be called "Daddy" no matter what.

- Or Big Papa. - Oh!

- (BOTH LAUGH) - Your choice, baby.

Chicks in uniform rule.

Not into dudes,

especially the teenage kind.

Save your compliments.

Impressive letter of recommendation, Mr. Gallagher.

I know some people.

You should definitely reapply next year.

We're at capacity this fall.

All 75 slots for this upcoming term have been filled.

Wait, so that's it? No interview?

We'll definitely keep your application on file.

Well, the brochure says

that incoming classes have 100 students.

(SIGHS) The remaining slots are reserved

for students of color.

We try to strongly encourage

the underrepresented groups to apply...

Native Americans, Pacific Islanders, Hispanic,

and, of course, African-Americans.

I'm part black.

Black Irish doesn't count.

We'll contact you if anything becomes available.

Marco Nunez, you're up.

(DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC)

Go fuck yourself, Pancho.

Slow mornin', Etta?

Change machine's out of quarters.

I brought quarters.

Some of your machines are broken, too, huh?

Ah, people keep using slugs so they won't have to pay.

They get jammed in there

tighter than a string bikini in my ass.

I ain't fishin' 'em out.

My load's not done.

I need change for a dollar.

There's your change.

Gave her too much change.

I did?

You wouldn't have to deal with quarters

if you got swipe cards.

Tell that to the new owners.

Not that they'd care anyway.

You're sellin' the place?

Ah, those North Side suits...

They've been pokin' around, trying to buy out my lease.

I think they're trying to rack up the whole block.

I told 'em to get lost. (CHUCKLES)

What do they want to do with it?

Turn it into a Starbucks

or... or a cheese and wine shop.

I-I can't handle this place since Wendell died.

You know, we tripled customers over at Patsy's when we updated.

I'm too old for that.

Worried about my babies, though.

Seriously? The cats?

Kittie's gettin' her thrills, huh?

The newbies around here don't understand the South Side.

You and me... the lifers...

We still get it.

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC)

(DYLAN) Just rented this new space yesterday,

and I need you to order 25 desks,

5 printers, scanners,

make sure the Trinity gets the swivel seats

with the nice butt cushion.

Uh, need a new espresso machine,

the Breville 870XL,

and a treadmill desk for Joe an...

- You jotting this down? - Yeah, yeah, no, I got it.

All right, got to pimp this place back out, man.

We lost a quarter of our staff,

so we need you to get everyone back on the network.

Lost a quarter of our staff, huh?

Yep.

And your intern got scared off, so you're gonna have

to hire a new one and fetch your own lunch.

Mine too.

Yeah, Game Change is back up and running.

Hey, you'll finally be free now

Take it slow

Let that beat take you home

(FRANK) Good, Candice.

Fifty bucks is a great start,

but, um, we got to talk about technique

to increase our profits.

Oh, an out-of-work vet

is worth at least 40 bucks an hour, Hector.

You're gon... try to triple this, all right?

And, please, just say no to pennies.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Frank, I need to speak with you.

Well, well, well...

the prodigal daughter returns.

How do I make some money, fast?

No, no, no, no, no, no free advice

- for Gallagher traitors. - Come on, Frank.

You've been hustlin' your entire life.

I need expertise.

I already have a Debbie

to bestow my gentle wisdom upon.

- Yes, Daddy Frank? - You see?

She knows who the real papa is.

- Isn't that a boy? - Not to me.

Well, what about your granddaughter?

Don't you care what happens to her?

Oh, you mean that strange mixed-race kid

with the butch name?

What if I change her name back to Franny?

Franny for life? No take-backs.

- (BABY FUSSES) - Fine.

Come here. Can I pick you up?

Oh, I've missed you. Yes, yes, yes.

How much cash we talkin' about?

Three hundred and seventy-two dollars in 48 hours.

Well, that's a fast turnaround.

I hope you're good at hand jobs.

- (BABY CRIES) - I don't know.

Got to shake a lot of snakes to come up with that kind of dough.

Anything that doesn't involve touching male anatomy?

Oh, good sign, Morris.

- Yeah. - Shouldn't that be "homeless"?

(FRANK) No, spelling deficiency is good for the cause.

You know, you're really wasting your best assets.

Young, white, mother, female.

You're a cash cow on the corner.

You want me to be a prostitute?

No, don't be ridiculous.

Competition is way too steep,

but stick a sign with you and a baby in your arms

and just watch the middle-class pity roll in.

- Go. - Begging?

Yep. Hey.

Hey.

Got your text. What's up?

Uh, grab a bag.

- This for Frank's shelter? - Yeah.

One of my teens from the youth center is moving in.

- (IAN) Hey. - Hey.

Ian, this is Gia.

Hi. Appreciate it.

Not as strong as I look.

These shits are heavy.

Cute and got manners?

Nice.

Gia got kicked out of the house.

We're lucky the shelter had some space.

Hey, Frank didn't give him too much shit

about moving in, did he?

Gia's a her, not a him.

Her proper pronoun is "she."

Your dad's a local hero.

Well, Frank is a Frank, not a dad,

and his proper pronoun is "it."

We, uh... we hangin' tonight?

Hope so.

And the boss

Of your will is extreme

And you cannot be stopped

You have to hang around

- And desecrate the town. - Jesus!

I said it...

(QUIETLY) Sorry.

Uh, what are you doin' here?

Uh, lookin' for Margo.

Is this still her office?

Uh, she's out for a deposition today.

What's the problem?

(SCOFFS) No problem.

I just came to report that Patsy's is doing great.

We've been overcrowded on our off shifts,

and our nighttime crowds are so heavy,

we have to take names for tables.

- Good work. - Thanks.

I got a lot more ideas, but I'd like to discuss

me gettin' a reasonable cut.

Cut of what?

The profits,

seein' as how I'm the reason that they increased.

(LAUGHS)

On what planet do diner managers

get a cut of the business profits?

I turned that place around.

Yeah, so we wouldn't close it down.

I worked 24-7 and got it jumpin'.

That's above and beyond manager.

I busted my ass on that shit diner,

and I'm not gettin' paid what I'm worth.

Join the club.

Nobody making a paycheck is paid what they're worth.

Look, you have to own something to make real money,

and Margo's the only owner around here.

Fine. What about an additional 50 bucks a week?

You just got a raise.

Not gonna happen.

(ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC)

You're just a wreckin' machine

You don't know what you're doin' to me

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(SIGHS) So who's married to whom?

- (BOTH) We're married... - To each other.

But we still have relationship with all three of us.

I'm Big Papa.

And who's adopting whom?

She's adopting our daughters.

She's adopting son I have with jailbird.

- And that's him? - No, this is Big Papa.

He's a good daddy and a good husband.

Jailbird in jail.

Not daddy anymore. New daddy, Big Papa.

Huh, fascinating.

A-a-and your triplets?

My son, their daughters.

So weird how we have to keep explaining

our situation to people.

It's like they never heard of a menage-a-three.

This may be the most exciting adoption case

this firm has ever seen.

I mean, I'll be the face of the modern family.

- This is career changing. - So we negotiate discount fee

for mutual benefit.

(BEVERLY) Let's get the paperwork started

to begin the application process.

You'll need to gather

all of your health-care information

to build your case file,

and the same for the children.

All of their checkups, immunizations,

MMR vaccines.

Uh...

- MMR vaccine? - Not now, Kev.

(DOGS BARKING)

What do you want?

I didn't get into military school, sir.

You fail the drug test?

(SIGHS) No.

Said the only slots left were for colored people.

People of color, son.

Don't say "colored people."

That's reverse racism.

So what you call all the white slots?

Reverse reverse racism?

Well, I told 'em I was part black.

They didn't believe me. You've met my brother, Liam.

Somebody in my families been dipping in the chocolate.

Can you write me another letter?

Tell 'em I qualify for a diversity slot?

You want me to vouch for your blackness?

If it wouldn't be too much trouble.

I don't know what you are, Gallagher...

Part black, part white, part dipshit.

Any asshole can claim black by convenience.

- It's not fair, sir. - White man's burden, son.

Until there's some genuine racial balance out there,

you got to take the short end of the diversity stick.

Well, where am I supposed to learn to be a real man?

I'm gonna be stuck in this hood forever.

I ain't got no money

- (ECHOING) - Money

I can't take you to no ball

Go ahead and say somethin' to me

Tell me you love me

Take it all in, take it all

No, that's sad, girl, shake it off

Shake it off

Baby, you know what I want

Ooh

Shake it

You know just what I need

Don't you?

And I just want to do it at all

Ooh, honey

I know it was you

Baby, baby, please do it for me

La, la, la, yes

Shake it, shake it, shake it

(SUE) Ugh, two arson victims,

a 35-year-old heart attack,

and a projectile-vomiting three-year-old,

and it's not even five o'clock.

Yep. (GROANS)

How's your stain coming?

Gonna need something stronger than baby wipes.

That kid got you good.

It's not my first time wearing projectile vomit.

Usually there's cheap beer and fists involved.

Oh, we're all hittin' up the bar after work.

- You want to come? - Ah, no, I'm supposed

to meet up with a new friend later.

A new friend, huh?

Sounds like a rebound.

You got to go slow.

My last rebound

slashed the tires of the rig I was workin'.

I had a patient in the back

with a Coke bottle shoved up his ass.

Not a rebound, all right?

Just a guy I met.

His name's Trevor.

He's a lot of fun to hang out with.

It's just platonic.

There's no such thing as platonic.

You're either bonin',

or you're waitin' to bone.

See, that's why I only hang out with my coworkers,

'cause after a day on the rig

wearin' everybody's piss and vomit,

- none of us are fuckable. - What?

- No offense. - Oh.

No, trust me, this friend is just a friend.

- Can't be any other way. - (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Is that your strictly friend there texting?

Address to a yard party tonight.

Bonin' or waitin' to bone, Gallagher.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Yo, we connected yet? - Uh, nah.

I need someone to log in to complete the network setup.

All right.

(KEYS CLACKING)

There.

Create a temporary password and get it done.

Once we're back on, start tweeting from our account.

Folks need to know we're alive.

(LIP) So one second the offices are getting raided by the Feds,

and the next we're here

like nothin' happened.

How do you guys stay afloat?

(SCOFFS) By makin' a shit-ton of money.

Think we don't budget for that kind of crap?

It's part of the business plan.

Like, the first time we were alive, 14 months.

This time it was 20. Called progress.

Yeah, but won't you guys just end up gettin' busted again?

No, there's no crime in fantasy sports

and processing credit cards.

The Feds can try and fight it till they're blue in the face.

Hey, so I was thinkin', you know,

since we got less staff now, um...

you know, any chance maybe I could get paid?

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES) - Sarah's Pomeranian needs to be

at the groomer before lunch.

Got it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Since we're gonna be new parents,

we should probably all have the same last name.

How about Kev's?

Great. We'll all be Balls.

Pregnant again, V? Congrats.

I'm not pregnant.

We're adopting each other's kids.

Adoptin' kids you already have?

You want to take some of mine while you're at it?

Did we get the kids the MMR shot?

Isn't that linked to autism?

In Russia, we don't do vaccines.

In winter, we send baby out to nap in cold.

It gets immune to virus.

So the doctors inject the babies with a virus

to prevent the virus, but does that mean

that they give 'em a virus that they didn't already have?

The government did that to black soldiers with penicillin.

Gave 'em syphilis. A lot of 'em died.

Government wants to give our babies syphilis?

My sister gave her kid that shot.

Now he just hides in the corner and hums... Showtunes

Vaccines are the greatest medical invention

of all time.

No polio, no smallpox, no measles.

You want your kids to end up with scarlet fever?

- Used to kill thousands. - Sounds bad.

- It was bad. - It's not as safe as they say.

Better than polio.

So we experiment.

Don't give vaccine to all babies, just some.

See what happens.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- This is like my family. - (DELORES) Yeah.

It's like a family. Highs and lows, right, ladies?

- A lot of highs. - A lot of lows.

You're a real people's champion, Mr. Gallagher.

- Thank you. - If there's more you need,

please don't hesitate

to let Elena and the organization know.

Well, good sir, since you're so generous,

we could use a new television

to keep us distracted from the drugs...

and a microwave, new refrigerator,

some appliances, maybe a furniture upgrade.

- We'll send some things over. - Thank you.

Now, which ones of these kids are yours?

Want to make sure they get in the picture.

Oh, this is little Liam right here.

- (CHUCKLES) - Hey, there.

- (LAUGHS) - Nice smile, son.

Okay, show 'em your pearly browns.

(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

- Here's your check. - Thank you.

Hi.

Sixteen dollars and eighty-three cents.

Take it off my tab, and I'll be back with more,

so don't touch my things.

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh

(LUTHER) Gallagher.

Been looking for you.

As much as an annoying

and otherwise rodent-like pest

you've become in my daughter's life...

I've grown to feel a sense of responsibility for you.

Military school might be your best shot

to avoid being human scum.

You're gonna vouch for my blackness?

Still no.

But you can take a DNA test to prove your African ancestry.

All it takes is an oral swab of your cheek.

They swab my ass cheeks?

Oral, Gallagher.

That's the mouth.

Oh, cool.

Pick you up at 10 a.m. sharp.

- (SIGHS) - (TANYA) Debbie?

(BABY FUSSING)

Hey, Tanya, what's up?

What are you doing out here?

Just raisin' money for Franny.

Job scarcity, and nobody's hiring.

Crazy, right?

Got any spare change? (CHUCKLES)

Do you need help or something?

Or, like, a babysitter?

No, we're fine.

Just doing whatever it takes.

If you talk to Derek, tell him I said hi.

- (BABY CRYING) - (DEBBIE) I'll see you later.

Hey...

my corner, freckle face.

Excuse me?

Pack up your stuff and get lost.

This belongs to me and my baby.

I've still got 355 bucks to earn.

Find another fuckin' corner.

Oh, no, you know what? I think I'll keep this one.

(ROCK MUSIC)

- What are you doing? - Marking my territory.

(SCOFFS) So am I, bitch.

- No, no, no! - Hey!

(BABY CRYING)

Oh!

(BABY CRYING)

(GRUNTS)

Back off!

Ooh!

(BABY CRYING)

You're a terrible person!

(BABY CRYING)

- Hey. - Hey.

You get a quote on the washer?

Uh, I didn't have time today.

Can't you handle it?

I was serious about not taking this house shit on.

I'll pay my fair share of whatever it costs to fix it,

but until then, I'll keep taking my quarters

to Etta's at the 'mat.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(CHEERING)

- Uh-huh! - I say

This DJ's wild. Whose place is this?

My friend Kali.

She's a legendary party promoter.

She even planned one for Prince in Paisley Park.

It's been a while since I had someone to party-hop with.

I miss this shit.

It's good to see you let your hair down, Red.

I say

I say

I say

I turned around profits at the diner,

and I asked for a raise, but how can I ensure my future?

Well, you might want to consider a SEP IRA

or a Roth IRA to prepare for the long term.

I'm surprised you messaged me again.

(SIGHS) I know.

My rule's one time, but I could really use the tips,

and, you know, you're a great lay.

(CHUCKLES) No problem.

You might also want to consider bonds.

Some low risk, high yield.

Perhaps something more aggressive.

I can do all this stuff on a manager's salary?

Investing and ownership is really the only way to go

from being poor to rich.

- Ownership? - Yeah.

Anybody who's really rich, owns something.

Or lots of something.

Next time, we can just meet in my office.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Three hundred thirty-seven dollars per pint of blood.

I could sell two pints before my body goes into shock.

Ugh. Nah, you're right.

That would only last us a couple of months.

Ten dollars per square inch of skin.

Seems kind of low.

We still have time. I am not going to let Fiona

kick us to the curb.

How much for one cornea?

(SNIFFS)

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Had some of your things at my house,

so I thought I'd bring 'em by.

Oh, those fit you better than they fit me anyway.

You can just keep 'em.

Not sure what you want to do with the spare key, but...

I can bring by your stuff later.

No need. Kev will pick it up.

- Fine. - Cool.

- Hey, V. - Hey.

Sorry. Kev put that one in with the colors.

Ah, it's okay.

- Thanks. - No problem.

That's what friends do for each other.

Jesus, any colder in here, we're gonna need parkas.

What's with you and V?

Really couldn't go to the Laundromat

just like everyone else?

Well, just 'cause you want to ice everyone out

doesn't mean I have to.

- What's up with you? - What's up with me?

I'm workin' around the clock.

I'm doin' great. What's up with you?

Jesus, how hard can managing a fucking diner be

for you to stop giving a shit about us and V?

Who says I don't give a shit?

I'm not gonna apologize for gettin' my life together.

V will be fine once she realizes that self-improvement

is not a crime, and so will all of you.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Guys, watch your backs.

You fuckin' seein' this?

(FIONA) Is that a new washer/dryer

gettin' delivered to Frank?

Even the homeless get better stuff than us.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Okay, so which one

of you little titans is getting vaccinated first?

This one's first. She gets the whole bundle.

None for her, and for the boy,

can we get, like, half of 'em?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Oh, shit. - Hey!

- (LAUGHS) Yo, bro. - Jesus.

- Sorry to interrupt. - What's up, dude?

Nah, nah, we're... We're good here.

Yeah?

So, uh, catch you later?

(GIRL) Fuck off, Joaquin.

Hey.

Hey, you guys here to get the swab kit?

- That's right. - For both of you?

- Just for the kid. - All right, just so you know,

we got a special promo going on today if you're interested.

Get two DNA tests at half off,

so, basically, you get one free.

Just for the kid, thanks.

What are my chances of being from the Motherland?

As in Africa or as in...

Africa.

It's pretty fair, actually.

You know, I had the test done, and it changed my life.

Found out my family was from the Fulani tribe of Nigeria.

Been there twice now.

Planning on moving there next year.

Even changed my name to Chuku.

What was your name before?

My slave name was Lin.

Hey, what if we're in the same tribe, Mr. W?

- Wouldn't that be cool? - I don't think so, Gallagher.

- How do you know we aren't? - You could find out.

We'll let you know when we get the results.

Our two-for-one special's kind of unbeatable.

If I find out

any of your people owned any of my people,

I'm gonna have to shoot you.

(MELLOW ROCK MUSIC)

(SCOFFS)

- Whoa! - Ow, ooh, oh!

(GRUNTS) I'm sorry.

Need a ride?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

- (DELORES LAUGHS) - (FRANK) Ah.

(TOMMY) Frank, aren't you supposed to be buried

under some bulldozers?

Take more than that to kill this cockroach.

Barmaids, whatever you have on tap for the wife and me.

- We gettin' married? - No.

It's a figure of speech.

No more running bar tab for sewer rat

who never pays.

I assume

you're referring to Kermit,

but I'm ready to reconcile my debt.

Give me the numbers.

Two hundred twenty-three dollars and seventy-five cents.

How about just for the last 30 days?

Two hundred twenty-three dollars and seventy-five cents.

It's gonna take real money, Frank.

Kev's not here for you to confuse.

Mm-hmm.

What other kind of money is there?

What, did you rob a bum there, Frank?

- Or a lousy stripper? - (BOTH LAUGH)

Old-fashioned entrepreneurship, my friends.

I create financial opportunities

for the homeless,

I get to keep a nest egg for myself...

The American way.

Hey, careful spending all that in one place.

How you gonna afford your drugs?

That's a good point.

It may be time to increase my profits.

Two hundred twenty-three dollars...

And 75 cents.

(GIGGLES)

Mm.

(FRANK) Oh, my God, I'm crazy...

(BOTH MOANING)

Properly boozed and debt-free...

What a way to live.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Uh, one second, please.

Neil?

I took the bus.

I met a redheaded girl with big tatas.

- Uh, you two know each other? - (LAUGHS)

This is my brother. Excuse him.

He was in an accident and says whatever he's thinking.

Hey, Neil, no tatas.

Oh, sorry.

He seems sweet,

and Franny seems to really like him.

- (CHUCKLES) - I'm hungry.

I have to work, but I'll bring you a burger,

- all right? - Okay.

- I could sit with him. - You sure you don't mind?

Totally sure.

Okay, uh, if he tries to touch your tits or anything,

just swat his hands away. It's involuntary.

Okay.

I'll bring you guys some Cokes.

Who is that weird, creepy guy sitting with my sister?

(SIERRA) Uh, my brain-damaged brother.

Debbie sitting with him cool?

- Yeah, of course. - All right.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hey. - Hey. Peppermint tea.

Sober tonic before headin' into work.

Good idea. Thanks.

Come on.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I, um... I had a blast hangin' last night.

- Yeah, the party was epic. - (GRUNTS)

Might need to go light a few days to recover.

Oh, we can always hang out at my place next time.

Watch a movie or fuck.

What?

Well, dude, come on.

You were all over me last night.

- We were drunk. - Call it whatever you want,

but, uh, you couldn't keep your tongue off of me.

You were in heat,

ready to hump anything that moves.

I, uh... I get it if you're too scared to admit

that you've got the hots for a trans dude.

I'm not scared of anything.

I-I'm into cock.

(SCOFFS) What, afraid you'll get your world rocked, Red?

You do have a vagina, right?

Like, technically, not philosophically?

I have a cock for packing.

I have a... several silicone cocks for fucking.

I consider to have a cock connected to my body.

The "vagina" is a nonfactor.

It's cool, okay?

There's no need to be freaked out.

We can just be friends...

really hot friends

who both have cocks.

Give me a shout when you're free to hang, all right?

Yeah, yeah.

See you later, friend.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

So workforce or college...

Which one's the bigger scam?

Uh...

I don't know. Maybe equal, I guess.

Look at all this fresh meat.

College has got to have an edge on that, right?

Yeah, higher concentration maybe.

I don't know about an edge.

You not planning to come back?

Nah, I'm, um...

interning for a bunch of rich college friends.

Degrees bought and paid for by trust funds or whatever.

I tutor douche bags like that in Micro Engineering,

and they'll still end up with the jobs.

It sucks ass, but...

We could hack these fucks, and they wouldn't know what hit 'em.

(CHUCKLES)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Wait, w-what?

Look, I'm already into their system

helping them reboot the company, right?

Easy access to reroute credit card payments

to our own account.

This is what you came up here for?

You're the smartest lowlife I know.

So you had an accident?

I rode my skateboard into a bus.

What does your hair smell like?

Uh, shampoo, I think.

- Were you wearin' a helmet? - No.

Like strawberry shampoo or dandruff shampoo?

Closer to strawberry, I think.

Did you sue the bus company?

Yeah, won a lot of money and disability.

And I like babies. And I like your juicy booty.

Involuntary, right?

Uh, do you have your own place?

Yeah, with my sister.

- Is it soft? - My booty?

Uh, sort of, I guess.

Your nipples are hard through your shirt.

Uh, who takes care of you?

Sierra, when she's not busy, but she's busy a lot.

Hmm.

So let me get this straight.

You have your own place,

your own money, and nobody to take care of you?

Neil, do you believe in fate?

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

There's nobody's gonna take my

Name

And nobody's gonna take me to yesterday

And nobody's gonna take my name

No, and nobody's gonna take me to yesterday

No

- Hey. - What's up?

Mind if I use the washer? It's some of Liam's stuff.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Just keep your mouth shut.

The babies are still sleepin'.

Oh, man, they got their shots today.

Well, some did.

We're waitin' to see on who gets sick.

These viruses... Deadly stuff, man.

Oh, uh, Fiona left some, uh, shit for you.

It's V's, I guess.

What, hooker boots and CDs?

Did Fiona tell you what's goin' on with those two?

I-I think I must've missed somethin'.

Uh, not really. She's just being weird

- about the whole thing. - Must be what it's like

for kids whose folks are going through a divorce.

One minute they're BFFs,

the next minute you're picking on

who you want to live with. It's stressin' me out.

I mean, I'm pickin' V, obviously,

but it doesn't mean I don't miss Fiona.

Ah, they're both being stupid.

What's goin' on with you?

Same old, same old.

Ah, dude, don't hold out on me.

I've been dealing with toddlers all day, talking ABCs,

telling 'em what sounds a cow makes.

It's moo, motherfucker. It's moo.

I'm thinkin' about fuckin' one of my friends.

Sweet. Why... why even think about it?

- Just do it. - He's got a vagina, kind of.

What, like a real vagina, or he acts like a pussy?

No, no, like a real, live vagina,

except I'm not supposed to call it that

because the vagina's, like, a fuckin' nonfactor.

- I don't know. - So is it imaginary?

No, I think it's more like a man cave.

I don't even know if we're still talking about body parts.

Uh, you know...

I re... I really like the guy,

and, uh, he's... he's hot.

I don't want to mess up the friendship part,

and I-I don't know if I can suck silicone cock.

Right.

Right. I'm still confused.

Is guy vag different from girl vag?

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Uh, don't worry about it. I'll be back for Liam's clothes.

Yo, thanks for the adult convo, Kev.

Glad I could help, man.

- (BELL RINGS) - Hey, Etta,

those suit guys hassling you again?

Whose suits?

From the North Side, the realtors?

Oh.

They offered me 100 grand for the lease,

but they said I couldn't live upstairs with my cats no more.

They're tryin' to kick you out of your apartment?

I've lived in this place since the '50s,

and now they're tryin' to buy out my lease

and take my apartment, too.

You don't have to get run out by these guys.

I bet if you offered a few perks,

offered free delivery, maybe.

You'd get a ton more people up in here.

Hell, I've been doin' other people's wash

since I was in diapers.

We could split the profits.

You wouldn't even have to worry about it.

What's the use, honey?

Rich people always win.

(MUTTERING)

Seventy-four, 75 bucks!

Not bad, New Lip.

Not bad at all.

I'm gonna take, uh, 50% for the savings fund.

I thought it was 25%?

I'm contributing to home improvement.

Electric bills for flat screens and washers

don't pay themselves.

What do you say, troops? Keep it or send it back?

(ALL CHANTING) Keep it, keep it, keep it.

Don't forget who's lookin' after your financial future.

(ALL CHANTING) Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank,

Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank,

Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank, Daddy Frank.

Hey, hey, hey, we can't hear the TV.

Excuse me.

Tight-ass lady at table two

said she owns the place, asked for you.

Mushroom turkey burger with sweet-potato fries

is our most popular.

Chad said you stopped by today askin' for a raise.

We're doin' great. I think I earned it.

- How are your prime costs? - Food cost is at 35%.

Lots of new items on this menu.

I removed 20 old items that weren't sellin',

and I saved two percent on meat costs

by gettin' rid of the triple beef burger.

- Labor costs? - Down to 28%.

I deserve that raise.

I authorized Chad to give you 25 extra bucks a week.

I asked for 50.

- We're negotiating now? - Yeah, we are.

You got a city block for sale somewhere

or a rundown apartment building

in some up-and-coming neighborhood?

'Cause those are the only people that I negotiate with.

I'm throwin' you a bone. Take it.

And I will take that mushroom turkey burger.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Okay, adoption application is ready for signature.

So I got to admit...

As much as I was worried about this whole adoption thing,

I kind of like bein' Big Papa.

On count of three, we take shots, and we sign.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

To thrupple kids.

(KEYS CLACKING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CELL PHONE WHOOSHES, RINGS)

- Yo? - What's up?

We in the system?

Uh...

All right, hide a transfer beta where they won't see it.

Now.

(LIP) Screw you, Rocky.

Mr. Gallagher, we didn't find

any African lineage in your strand.

Wait, rea... Are you sure?

Ah, but we did find 33.5% Native American ancestry

traceable to the Apache tribe.

- You mean I'm an Indian? - Mmm.

And, uh, Mr. Winslow,

your DNA test reveals 22% Irish traceable to the Puritans.

What? As in Pilgrims?

Mm-hmm, that's right.

You two are the Pilgrims and the Indians.

Didn't your people kill my people?

Don't say another word.

Apache, bitch.

I'm goin' to military school.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - (IAN) Who is it?

(TONY) Deb Gallagher at this address?

Debs, for you.

- Uh, yeah? - Debbie Gallagher?

I'm Tony Casas

from the Department of Children and Family Services.

We want to inform you that we're opening an investigation

to determine whether or not your daughter, Frances Gallagher,

is the victim of child endangerment and neglect.

- (BABY FUSSES) - What?

(BABY CRYING)

This is you, correct?

(DEBBIE AND WOMAN BOTH GRUNTING ON VIDEO)

(SVETLANA) Babies look okay so far.

I don't see any smallpox or measles.

- (BABY COUGHING) - Ooh.

Gemma sounds like she's gettin' a cold.

Did she get vaccinated or no?

Yes. Wait, no.

Wait.

Shit, I forgot to write it down.

No, yeah. I don't know.

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