Original subtitles

You slept with your best friend

This will be a disaster unless you say the right thing

so choose your words carefully

Great job last night, buddy.

Good thing you came along. I've been on four since med school.

Damn it.

We shouldn't feel weird about this.

- Things like this happen all the time. - All the time!

- It's not a big deal. - it's not a big deal.

Stop repeating what I say in that weird tone.

- No more repeating. - What happened last night was

a wonderful mistake.

And it's probably best if we just go back to the way things were.

I totally agree.

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Elliot's amazing and you're crazy about her

If you let her leave I'm gonna do this all day:

I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down

I get knocked down...

Wait, Elliot...

I just...

Just say it. Say, ''Elliot, stay in bed

and have sex with me until neither of us can move.''

Let's do that.

I cannot believe you almost let me leave.

You're gonna pay for that.

I'm good for that.

I got to...

We are really good at having sex. We should take this show on the road.

My mom would sit in the front row

and tell me I'd look prettier if I smiled more.

You don't really smile. You just make this face.

You looked surprised that you were actually having sex.

I was. I mean, four times?

Give it up.

- I think I already did. - You did.

How weird was that this morning?

Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life?

You look hot in that dress

What movie are we watching?

It's Basic Instinct Grandma.

Yeah, once. But all this sex?

It just soothes my soul.

And I really like your nose.

How did that last time even start?

I just know I went to the door

and when I came back, you said I looked sexy holding a pizza.

You did.

For safety reasons, I should go.

You're not going anywhere.

You gotta help me eat this pizza.

Good.

See now, you even look sexy holding that slice.

- I do, don't I? - You do.

I was not. You were.

Sometimes I like a little sugar in my coffee.

I just think it's best if we keep this between us for now.

It's hard enough without everybody talking.

But it'll help people. Like those two, for instance.

They've been dancing around each other for months now.

I'm not afraid to show people here how I feel about you.

You just want the guys to know you're getting some.

Not just the guys.

Good morning, Dr Cox!

We are short-staffed today

because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut monkeys

for some psychologist's research project,

which means you won't be helping patients.

Instead, you'll be blabbering about your feelings,

and what it's like working in the hospital,

and how that affects your personal lives and...

And there he is now, big Bob-o himself.

All nurses and interns, let's gather round

and dance for the puppet master.

Dance!

It's not just the nurses and interns.

Don't be that guy, Bob.

I guess I became a doctor because

ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people.

I don't tell this story very often,

but I remember when I was seven years old,

I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest.

So, I picked him up and I brought him home,

and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and...

My God!

I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does:

Chicks, money, power and chicks.

But since HMOs have made it virtually impossible

to make any real money, which affects the number of chicks

who come sniffing around, and don't ask what tree they're barking up,

cos they're sure not pissing on mine. And as far as power goes, well...

Here I am during my free time letting some 13-year-old

psychology fellow ask me questions about my personal life.

So here's the inside scoop.

Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power?

Check her out.

- Dude, HFFA. - Excuse me?

HFFA? ''Hot from far away'' but up close she's nasty.

That is so messed up.

I am sorry I made an insensitive statement about an ugly person.

I'm taking one of those moments

where I weigh your good qualities against your bad ones

and decide if you're actually worth the trouble.

You made it. That was close.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Elliot's looking for a surgical consult.

- Do you know where she is? - Why should I know?

I know where the Todd would like Elliot to be. In his pants.

Clever.

She's not going out with anyone. You should ask her out.

Elliot and the Todd? That's a terrible couple.

- Worse than Joanie and Chachi. - Joanie loves Chachi.

The Todd is asking Elliot out.

- I think she'd be lucky to ride my... - Please.

...motorcycle.

Gotcha.

God bless him.

When I was seven, the only things that I loved

were my ColecoVision... and Sandy Lowe.

Sandy was as fine as a 7-year-old could be.

She had the body of a 9-year-old.

I joined the T-ball team because she was on it.

I didn't care that much about sports.

But, during the first game, I got all caught up,

and fell in love with competing.

And so, through high school and college,

I pretty much played everything because I needed to compete.

It was my drug.

That's why I became a surgeon. Every day, you get to step up to the table

and go one-on-one against what's wrong with the patient.

And if you're really good at it,

you win most of the time.

I ran into Sandy Lowe last Christmas,

and she didn't look so good.

And that was kind of awkward, cos,

well, I look like this.

Are you following me?

No. You wanna go out some time?

With you?

Me and a bottle of Jagermeister.

No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think

it's because I'm a lesbian or anything.

I find you so creepy, I think you should walk around with a bell around your neck.

All I heard was ''lesbian''.

Let me talk to her for you.

Why did he ask me out?

I don't know. Because you're cute and you're fun,

and I told him to. Plus, there's rumours going around that you're a lesbian.

You told me not to tell anyone about us, so maybe I just wanna make a point.

And now I'm gonna kiss you.

It's cool. JD's in the closet talking to a girl for me.

White boys.

You too.

When I was little, my mom used to have what she called ''episodes''.

''Episodes'' is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and...

Let's just say her stomach talked.

Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket

and she actually passed out.

And out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward

and tells everyone to step aside and give my mother some air.

And everyone did.

You have to understand, in my family, nobody listens to a word anyone else says.

Even screaming at the top of our lungs... nothing.

So when this man said, ''Step aside'', and everyone did,

I asked my aunt, ''Who is this guy?''

And she said he was a doctor.

And I thought,

''I want to be a doctor too.''

But when I lost my first tooth, and nobody left $180,000

under my pillow, I decided to become a nurse.

We do all the real stuff anyway.

- You OK? - Yeah.

I may eventually need a vagina transplant.

Go! Go!

We don't have much time!

You know what?

After I have sex five times with somebody, I like to have the relationship talk.

I know it seems rushed, but five times

usually takes me anywhere between six months and seven years.

Let's do it. Let's have the talk.

- You my boyfriend? - Yep. You my girlfriend?

- Yep. - Cool.

Good to talk things through.

I love that little laugh.

From now on, that is your laugh.

What?

I've seen you naked, so everything you're doing, I'm watching you do it naked.

So, if I go like this...

I just... I saw all of that.

Don't be shy. Come here, baby.

- The echo report on the aorta... - Bravo. Just a big bravo.

Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre.

Honest, I do. It's the way you both play your parts

with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing

that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, pale sex with each other.

What are you talking about?

The whole floor knows. We do. Watch this.

Laverne, did you know?

Was it supposed to be a secret?

And Carla?

Please. I knew before they did.

So, there it is.

And if you go ahead and listen very carefully,

you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.

I like that guy.

When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, PA,

there were two steel mills, three bars,

and not a doctor in sight.

Then my old man set up a shingle

and started delivering babies

and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload.

Everybody loved him.

When they couldn't come up with the cash,

he would gladly accept a handmade sweater

or a bushel of turnips.

Jackass.

Now I get to do this in public.

This is a hospital, all right? People here are already sick.

You guys do it all the time.

- Tell me we don't look like that. - We don't look like that.

You guys are just jealous

cos you're not the hot couple in town any more.

Jealous, my chocolate butt!

I'm telling you, we are so damn hot,

last night, when I was home waiting for Turk,

I put on this tiny negligee. It was so small I took it off my Latin Barbie...

When I got home, you were asleep, drooling like a sheepdog.

You don't have to tell 'em that.

While you guys were sleeping,

we were up in the kitchen fryin' up some love.

Relationships? Well, Sigmund,

relationships are so fragile.

It just takes one thing, one...

...tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you.

And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid,

you better tuck and go.

Why did you do that? How could you think

that's appropriate conversation for work?

- We didn't have sex. - No.

- Especially not on the stove. What? - That is not funny.

Sorry.

We didn't.

That's great. Thanks.

Thanks a lot, JD. Really mature.

Come on.

Elliot.

I am so full.

- Give me another slice. - Really?

Yeah. Big one.

I cannot have any more until I work off the last two slices.

So what do you say? Fat, gassy, bloaty sex?

OK.

- I'm gonna puke! - I don't care.

Mr Lewis,

we're gonna need another stool sample.

Not for medical reasons. My robot needs food.

That laugh.

But it's your laugh. I gave it to you.

I love it so much, I can't stop using it.

It's not as charming if you're mad.

You only laugh at your own jokes. You never laugh at anything I do.

That's not true.

...colonoscopy. Dr Cox, I'm open!

Hit me!

There was nothing funny about that.

Maybe you just don't know funny. Let me help you out.

Silly hats are funny. ALF? Very funny!

Anyone in a chicken suit... Oversized phones are funny.

- JD... - Hold on.

Hello?

She's right here.

It's for you.

You know what? You're not as funny as you think you are.

And bam!

The shine's off the apple.

That's when you find out that that pretty girl you married

isn't a pretty girl at all. No. She's a man-eater.

And I'm not talking about the ''Whoa, whoa, here she comes'' kind of man-eater.

I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel

to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink.

I may have tormented her from time to time,

but that's what I thought marriage was all about.

So much so, that by the end of that relationship,

I honestly don't know who I hated more: her or me.

I used to sit around and wonder

why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were.

And here it turns out the answer's pretty simple.

They weren't unhappy.

We were.

I suck at this.

Sorry.

You look great bent over.

I rolled that damn thing exactly the way the video I bought told me to.

Probably just a bad ball.

You don't have to patronise me. Tell me that I suck.

It's hard to be honest when you're so neurotic

you don't even trust the computer to keep your score.

- I'm neurotic? - I'm sorry!

- Is it always this hard? - Bowling's a tricky sport.

- No, I meant... - I know.

It's difficult for everybody.

- My baby got a strike! - I got a strike!

- My baby did it! - I got a strike!

Knock 'em down! My baby know how to knock 'em down!

- Turk! I'm dizzy! - Sorry.

I'm sorry about him.

My turn!

Want me to pick you up?

Enid has always understood

how much my career meant to me.

She knows I'm an important man in my field,

and it helps her get on all those boards of things her friends are on.

You know, like, bringing art

to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah, blah, blah.

When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist.

But we both decided

that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman.

No offence, sweetheart.

I know she's grateful.

She likes to joke that

I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago.

Now she's just a shell of a woman.

I think that's so cute. I call her Shelly.

You know, when I call her that,

sometimes she laughs so hard,

she cries a little.

You should've gotten a cardiology fellow

to give Mrs Zuckerman a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.

Sir, I was waiting to see...

You were waiting. I'm sorry, that's...

That's my mistake.

I'm gonna wait with ya.

Dr Cox...

Gotta give it time. Because, you see,

when you're waiting for someone to get better all by themselves,

the whole thing becomes about time.

I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart rate,

which is what the textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, JD?

- Is she right, JD? - Technically, yes.

But it's really a judgment call,

and if she really was that bradycardic,

I probably would've called the fellow.

But I... That's me. I...

Always side with the hoochie, Newbie?

It's a rookie mistake.

You hate to see it.

- Tell you about my girlfriend? - Tell you about my boyfriend?

OK.

I can be myself around Carla.

Turk makes me feel completely safe

and totally independent at the same time.

And it's all the same, whether I'm with her or with my boys.

I can say whatever's on my mind.

And even if he doesn't like it,

even if he doesn't understand it, he respects it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not gonna give my boys a back rub.

Sure, if a brother's got an itch, I'll scratch it, but...

He seems to like who I am.

She's a cool lady.

- I love her. - I love him.

I should've stood up for you with Dr Cox.

You should've.

I don't want him to think it's about our relationship.

I know that you want Dr Cox to respect you,

but you should want me to respect you too.

If I didn't respect you, I wouldn't be having sex with you.

- That's not true. I would be. - If you can't talk for real, forget it.

A perfect dismount off her high horse.

If you don't like something, say it. Why hide behind stupid jokes?

Why is it impossible for you to let anything go?

I let stuff go, like when you wouldn't stand up for me with Dr Cox,

or when you told everyone we're having sex.

- When are you letting that go? - You wanna know why I won't let that go?

You wouldn't stand up for me

because you're terrified that someone won't like you.

And that's a bad thing?

Why don't we get all my friends together in a room and we'll fight your friend.

I'm getting so tired of this.

Elliot, this is me.

And there's a lot of people here who like me for who I am.

- I thought you were one of 'em. - I thought I was too.

Relationships don't work the way they do in the movies.

Will they? Won't they? They finally do and they're happy for ever.

Nine out of ten end because they weren't right for each other to begin with,

and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway.

And through all this, I have not become a cynic.

I do happen to believe that love is mainly about

pushing chocolate-covered candies, and you know, in some cultures, a chicken.

You can call me a sucker. I don't care.

Because I do believe in it.

Bottom line is couples that are right for each other

wade through the same crap as everybody else.

But the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down.

One of those two people will fight for that relationship

every time, if it's right and they're real lucky.

One of 'em will say something.

Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship

become so incredibly important when sex is involved.

I just think it'd be easier

if you weren't friends with your girlfriend

at all.

I've always been sure about everything. Sure that I wanted to be a doctor,

and I was sure that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25.

But relationships...

I always heard that when they were right, they were easy.

That even when things got hard

that they were easy.

I don't get that at all.

How is that possible?

Am I in a relationship now?

No. I'm not in one now.

No.

I can't believe today's over.

- I can't believe I ate half a pizza. - Please. You had two pieces.

If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out.

I will, cos I'm a gentleman.

Do you think this is gonna work out?

Yeah. I think it's gonna be great.

I believe you.

I believe me too.